Original subtitles

Epstein, crazy. Okay.

I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you.

That's the last time I'm comin' to your house.

Yeah, well, that's the last time you ever gonna be invited.

- Yeah? - Alright, alright, alright.

What happened with you two?

He invited me to his house last night

to watch the Knicks play the Lakers on television.

So what are you mad about?

We started watchin' the game, right?

All of a sudden, man, one of them little Epstein brothers

of his, man, came over a-and threw a fit

and he pulled the coat hanger out of the antenna hole.

We got a picture, didn't we?

Yeah, you got a picture, but it was all scrunched up

with a lot of snow all over the screen.

Man, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looked like Mr. Woodman.

Well, I fixed it, didn't I?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you fixed it, alright, you fixed it real good.

You know what happened then next?

That little that vertical, um, whatcha i'mma call it, man

that went out of whack.

And for the rest of the night, I had to watch

the television like this...

[babbling]

You're lucky you didn't get called for double dribblin'.

Well, why didn't we watch the game on your TV set, Freddie?

Down at the pawn shop, huh?

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't need to watch at your house.

- I can get my TV-- - Are you talkin' to me?

- Alright, alright, alright. - I am talkin' to you.

- You must be talkin' to me. - You're crazy!

Because there is nobody else here.

- We can be taught. - Look, just sit down.

Alright.

[squealing]

What is this?

It's Arnold. Sleepin' like a baby.

I wonder what's the matter with him.

I think he was out with Mary Johnson again last night.

Oh, that's four nights in a row.

I wonder how she's holdin' up.

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

If that's the tooth fairy, I gave it to the dentist.

Wake up, Arnold. Look, here's $15 for last night.

Hey, that's not fair, considering we started so late.

- I gotta run. See you later. - Okay, bye. Goodbye.

[yawning]

[sniffles]

Dah!

She pays you to take her out?

She didn't pay me.

We're working together.

I knew you couldn't get that poop from puckering.

Will you guys come on?

Mary's uncle has this small mail order business

and we've been helpin' him out. You know, stuffing envelopes.

[yawns] That sort of thing.

I don't believe it. Arnold's got himself a job.

Well, if he can get a job, I oughta

be able to get a job, huh?

If you can get a job, my dog ought to be able to get a job.

So little guy's growin' up, huh?

Yeah, you know, man, it seems just like yesterday

we were wipin' the pabulum off his chin.

It was yesterday.

[school bell rings]

- Come on, y'all. Time to go. - Yes.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To the same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Hello, Mary.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Don't worry about it, Arnold.

Well, I was so exhausted

that I fell asleep at the dinner table.

Luckily, my little brother woke me up.

Did he know you had to go to work?

No, my head was on the last piece of roast beef.

[chuckles]

Do you wanna nap some more?

Nah, once you've had hot gravy

pourin' on your head, you're awake.

Well, why don't you take, uh, those envelopes

and put 'em in the boxes there and tie 'em up?

Okie-dokie, smokie. Heh-heh.

You know, Mary, we've been together here

for four or five nights in a row now.

We have a lot to get done.

So much as if we was goin' steady.

What do you mean?

Oh, uh, I just meant that if, uh

we weren't working together

you probably wouldn't have seen me for five nights in a row.

Oh, yes, I would.

Ah!

Arnold.

You're really something.

Mary, do you know what you just said?

Yes, I said, "You're really something."

No, before that.

- What do you mean? - No, after that.

Arnold, start over.

Well...

You practically say you'd go steady with me.

Arnold, for your information

I've been going steady with you for some time now.

How come I'm always the last to know?

Oh, Arnold. I love you.

Oh, Mary.

[whirring]

Oh, Mary. Listen to the pounding of my heart.

That's the mimeograph machine.

Hm? Oh, okay!

Mary, I...

I lo...

Ah!

Ah!

I'll clean this up.

Arnold, not that. It has Stick-Em on it.

Eeh!

You know, Mary...

I didn't know that being in love would be this tough a work.

Arnold, come here.

I, uh...

I love you.

[machine whirring]

[school bell rings]

Hey, what's happening, Mr. Gibbons?

If you think this is Mr. Gibbons you just flunked biology.

Uh, Mr. Gibbons has the flu, guys.

Oh, I knew he was sick on account of the way

he was foamin' at the mouth and everythin'.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

You know what? He also forgot to give us homework.

You know, Epstein that is amazing

since I just happen to have all the assignments he gave out.

- Sit down. - Nice try, Juan.

Hey, can't beat me for tryin', huh?

[door slamming]

Good morning, everybody!

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late

but I stopped to smell the roses.

That's pretty good, Arnold, man, um...

Most people in this neighborhood they just stop and smell.

Arnold, do you have an excuse?

Ah!

It's good.

I wouldn't try it in wood shop though.

- Sit down, Arnold. - Yeah.

Did you smell the roses or did you smoke 'em?

I've always admired your wit.

He smoked 'em.

Alright, Arnold. What hit you? Cement truck?

[laughing]

I have been struck by an arrow.

Well, it must've been dipped in local weed.

We happen to have an English class going here?

- Oh, is this English class? - Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is my favorite class in the whole wide school!

In fact, I even wrote a little poem for extra credit.

It is entitled, "An ode to love." By Arnold Horshack.

"How do I love thee let me count the ways

"One...

"Two...

Three..."

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Four..."

Arnold Horshack here?

[clearing throat]

That, Mr. Woodman, is debatable.

His body came in alright.

But his brain is still in a holding pattern.

Here I am, Mr. Woodman!

With my head in the clouds.

Your head, I don't care about.

Get your buns down to my office.

Julie, would you, uh, come along, please, too?

Arnold, my boy, sit down.

What'd I do, Mr. Woodman, what?

You didn't do a thing, my boy. Just relax.

This is probably the happiest day of my life.

Arnold, I have all your school transfer forms right here.

Transferred? Just for being late?

I mean, you stop and smell one lousy rose.

What transfer? I haven't seen these.

No, I drew these up myself.

I wanted to make personally sure

there were absolutely no errors in them.

Wait a minute, I don't understand this.

You don't have to understand it. Just do like I do, enjoy it.

[laughs]

Arnold, your mother called me this morning from Atlantic City.

And guess what?

She got married again.

That's right, aren't you excited?

No.

Well, I am.

That's the first answer you've gotten right

the whole school year.

Well, who is it this time?

She is now Mrs., uh, Swifty Growman.

He's a blackjack dealer in one of the Atlantic City casinos.

Well, I guess it's better than the last guy.

He was a circus performer.

I can't tell you how I hated takin' a bath

with that trained seal.

Arnold, I think you should be happy for your mother.

Yeah, I guess I am.

But why am I being transferred?

Well, your mother says your new father Swifty

wants you all to live in his motorhome.

Behind the casino.

Do you mean to say that me, my brother, and my sisters

are all gonna have to leave Brooklyn?

Yeah.

Ain't that wonderful?

I can't do that. I'm not gonna leave.

Arnold, if you don't go, you're gonna break your mother's heart.

Yeah, and I'll break your arm.

I'm not going. I'm not leaving Buchanan.

Arnold, you don't have any choice.

Look at the bright side. Your new father's a blackjack dealer.

You'll learn to count to 21.

Arnold, you'll have to excuse Mr. Woodman.

He got up under the wrong side of the bed.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, what am I gonna do?

Arnold, I guess you're just gonna have to go.

You see, your mother requested the transfer papers

and Mr. Woodman signed them...

...probably laughing hysterically.

You gotta understand, Julie.

Sweathogs are hard to get rid of.

They're, uh, sort of like warts.

I'm not gonna go to Atlantic City.

Arnold, you don't have any choice.

Yeah, but you don't understand.

Things are really startin' to go great for me.

My-my grades are coming up a little.

What other way could they go?

I even got a job

where I'm makin' a little money on the side.

Really? Doing what?

Mary Johnson and I are doing some work for her uncle.

- Oh, Mary Johnson. - Yeah.

Hey, you guys have been seeing a lot of

each other, haven't you, Arnold?

Yeah.

Well, that's another thing.

Neither one of us has ever amounted to much

in high school or anywhere else.

But when we're together...

...we feel like we are somebody

for the first time in our lives.

We've got something that we never had before.

Uh, a-a little bit of hope for the future.

A way out.

And I am not gonna give any of those things up.

And that's final!

Arnold, come on. Don't-don't, don't take it so hard, my man.

W-we'll figure somethin' out.

I'll tell you what, Arnold.

Uh, you could just move into my place.

My mother never counts kids.

Counts them? She won't even name 'em anymore.

Oh, thanks a lot, little one.

But I don't think your mother could stand

another mouth to feed.

Come on, you guys.

Hey, don't worry, Arnold, man. We'll take care of you, man.

- We'll find something. - I'll tell you what, Arnold.

The problem is, we gotta keep you

right within the school district here.

Hey, wait a minute, Arnold! Arnold, that's the answer.

You could stay right here in the school, that's perfect.

No one has ever called this school perfect.

No, I mean-I mean, perfect for Arnold.

See, man, what you can do is, you could, um...

You could sleep in Mr. Woodman's office.

Yeah, and you can shower in the locker rooms.

And eat in the cafeteria.

Now, wait a minute, now.

We tryin' to find him a place to live

not a place to die.

Well, guys...

Why don't I just put myself in a-in a pet shop window?

Maybe some nice family would take me home for their kid.

I'm very good at looking sad and lonely.

[whimpering]

Just go on the paper.

I got it, I got it. I got it right up here.

We're gonna get you into Vinnie's hospital.

A room, bed, three meals a day.

Yeah, how you goin' to get me in there, break my arm?

No, just a finger.

One finger would keep you in there ten weeks.

Oh, thank you, guys.

I know your hearts are all in the right place.

Why did this have to happen now?

Yeah, another four or five years he would've graduated.

Oh.

Arnold.

[gasps]

Mary, what have you done?

I wanted the place to look a little more cozy.

Oh, look! The curtains...

Makes me feel like a regular Heathcliff.

- Who? - Heathcliff.

From "Wuthering Heights."

Oh, he was this poor bedraggled waif

until he came to Merle Oberon's beautiful home.

Another old movie?

Yeah.

You love those things, don't you?

Yeah.

Well...

It's a way to get lost in your fantasies.

I can sit and watch movies for days on end.

In fact, I have.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Why, uh, I even saw "Gone With The Wind" 15 times.

Frankly, Arnold. I don't give a damn.

[both laughing]

That's very funny, Mary.

Now, can I get back to my decorating?

Hey, but what about all the work

and don't you have a report due in class tomorrow?

Boy, we've been going steady for one day

and already I'm in the doghouse.

Yeah.

But you're a very nice doghouse decorator.

Thank you, Rover.

- Okay, back to work. - Right.

I'll do this. You do your report.

We agreed that, that stuff would come first.

Mary, staying in Buchanan is the most important thing

in our lives right now.

Since when did school become so important to you?

Since my mother learned to count to 21.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Arnold, do you have a problem?

Nah!

I never have any problems when I'm with you.

I know it. What's wrong?

There is no problem, Mary.

Now, we got a lot to do here, please.

[alarm ringing]

[yawning]

"My dearest Arnold..."

[Mary] I finished all the envelopes, but one.

I've gone to school early to work on my report.

See you in class.

I love you. Mary.

And Napoleon died of a stomach ailment

on the small island of Saint Helena in the year 1821.

Alright, Mary. You're a smart chick.

That was very good, Mary.

Especially the part about Napoleon losing

to the British at Waterloo.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hi, Mrs. Kotter. I'm sorry I'm late.

What'd you stop and smell this time, Arnold?

Oh, I didn't have time to smell. I overslept.

Well, you missed an excellent report on Napoleon.

Ah.

Congratulations, Mary.

I got the coffee and donuts you left me this morning.

And I also got the news that you're moving to Atlantic City.

Uh, does anybody have any questions

for Mary on her report?

I do, I wanna know why Napoleon went to Saint Helena

if he didn't want to go.

There was nothing he could do about it. He had no choice.

He was forced to go there by other people.

One man has to go to Saint Helena

another man has to go to Atlantic City.

Atlantic City?

Was Napoleon happy in Saint Helena?

No, he was probably very unhappy...

...because he didn't wanna be there.

Maybe, he just didn't try hard enough

to stay where he wanted to be.

But he must've known that I didn't want him to go away.

Then why you givin' up on him so fast?

Arnold, Arnold, God.

Go easy, it's just a report on Napoleon, huh?

Does everybody know that Napoleon has a job now

and can take care of himself?

Have you guys got the same book everybody else has?

- I can't find it... - Hey, hey, look, man.

Guys, guys...

Does everybody know that Napoleon has somebody

that he cares for very much, right here in Brooklyn?

Yes, but they also know that Napoleon has to go away

because his mother is marrying a blackjack dealer.

Well, let me ask you this.

What would Napoleon do

if he didn't go to Atlantic City?

Certain things Napoleon has to figure out for himself.

Maybe...

Maybe, Napoleon could work for Josephine's uncle?

And live right there in the storefront?

I don't see why not.

Then...

...I have one last question for you, Mary Johnson.

Yes, Your Highness.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

[all cheering]

Do you guys believe this, our little, Arnold Horshack

grown up and gettin' married?

Yeah, I can believe he's gettin' married but that

grown up part's a little hard for me to swallow.

[all laughing]

Hey, do you guys really think he's gonna go through with this?

Oh, sure. What could go wrong?

I don't know, but if there's a wrong way of gettin' married

believe me, Arnold will find it.

- Right this way. - Alright.

Hey, good to see you. What're you doin' here?

Well, I've never seen a Sweathog get married

and I love freak shows.

[laughing]

You're nervous, aren't you, Arnold?

You know, generally, I don't believe in teenage marriages.

But I'll tell you somethin' I do believe in.

- I believe in love. - Arnold's gone.

Arnold Horshack has gone and joined the marines.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have ♪

♪ All changed since you ♪

♪ Hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams ♪

♪ Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought ♪

♪ They'll lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought ♪

♪ They'll lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪♪