Original subtitles

Hey, come on guys, you're gonna miss

the big fight on the football field.

Oh, wow, who's fightin'?

Football team.

Yeah, somebody, I don't know who

put itching powder in their sweat suits.

Who they gonna fight?

Each other.

It'll be the greatest display of open field scratching

of the season.

You guys, you all go ahead.

Me and Juan, we gotta rehearse.

That's right, that's right.

Me and Freddie, we're entering

the annual Buchanan talent contest.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, I will not permit this.

Don't you remember what happened to you last year?

They came in last.

Further back than that.

The scenery came in ahead of them.

Yeah, well, you see, last year we-we-we had a bad audience.

- Right? - That's right.

Yeah, man, even the Beetles got booted when they

first started, right?

- That's right. - Right.

Oh, that's right, but nobody ever came up on stage

and tried to set them on fire.

Hey, what kind of act you guys gonna do?

It's top secret.

Oh, I should've known.

Most big bombs are.

Come on, guys, uh...

Why you gonna work so hard over this lousy trophy?

You can pawn that trophy for $10.

Come on, let's get to class.

Hey, Mr... Woodman, have you heard the good news?

I hate good news.

Go ahead anyway.

Freddie and Juan here are entering the talent show.

Oh, that is good news.

Come on, Mr. Woodman.

Last year, they barely escaped

with their lives.

I know.

This year, I'm gonna seal off the exits.

[laughing]

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, look at this.

It's a threatening letter

actually threatening bodily harm.

These little animals have gone too far.

Nobody sends threatening letters to my teachers.

Oh, no, it's not for me.

It's from me, to you.

What's your problem, Jean?

Well, I don't think that I, as the English teacher

should have to be in-charge of the talent show.

And who do you think should run it?

Well, what about the captain of the football team?

He's used to getting kicked when he's down.

Don't mention the football team to me.

I have another problem with them.

What happened?

Some clown put itching powder in their sweat suits

and now they're all scratchin' themselves silly.

Now, what's your problem with the talent show?

Well, I wanna cancel it.

- Why? - Orders of my dentist.

He says I'm just grindin' my teeth away.

Jean, I have no time for your little jokes.

But, Mr. Woodman, if we put this show on

it's gonna be terrible.

These kids are just gonna get up there

and make fools of themselves.

And that's what I like best about it.

But I like these kids.

And I just hate to see 'em do bad.

Why don't we postpone it so I'll have

more time to work with them?

We are gonna have a talent show on schedule

and you are the teacher in charge.

And you're just gonna have to face the music.

Music?

The closest we come to that

is a little boy that plays

"Lady of Spain" on stolen hubcaps.

I don't understand all the fuss!

I mean personally, I love that show.

I mean, the people throwin' fruit and garbage.

And the booing and the hissing and the profanity.

♪ Oh there's no business like show business ♪

♪ like no business I know ♪♪

♪♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪♪

Now try to keep that up, now.

Here, put this ball back with the rest of 'em.

Alright, now who's up next for audition?

We are!

My brother and me got an acrobatic act.

We'll set it up right now.

Alright.

- You ready, Ms. Tremaine? - Yeah, go ahead, honey.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute!

Hold it! Come on down off of that ladder.

I don't know about this act here.

We done it before. We always find him again.

Uh, uh, you kids just go on home.

- I'll call, you hear? - We ain't got no phone.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'll beat out somethin' on a hollow log.

Go on home.

Alright, now, who's next up for the audition?

We, we, we, we are, we are, Ms... Tremaine, yeah.

- Curtain up! - Light the lights!

Call the cops!

Alright, let's see your act before my rolaid wears off.

Alright.

Quiet!

I want everybody to settle down because to begin this act

we need silence.

Yeah, that's all you're gonna hear when it's over.

Yeah, Carvelli, see that's all you gonna hear

when it's over.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Murray and Carvelli.

What are you punks doin' here?

Well, we thought we'd come down and watch you guys audition.

You see, Murray here likes animal acts.

Yeah, Epstein, roll over.

How would you like to play dead, Murray?

Hey, Ms. Tremaine, I don't got to perform in front

of these guys, they shouldn't even be here.

They've got a right to be here.

They're performers, and this is

an equal opportunity disaster.

Oh, yeah, what do they do?

Musical muggings?

Are you gonna audition or aren't you?

No, absolutely not, I will not perform in front of them.

No way.

Don't get so uptight, Epstein. We're leavin' anyway.

You see, I hate to associate with losers

except of course, my good friend, Murray.

Yeah, I'm the only looser he associates with.

So, uh, you can look for us in the winner's circle, alright?

Come on, Murray, let's go skin an alligator.

- Hey, Arnold. - Huh?

How bad is this talent show?

Oh, it's not that bad.

Last year's winner, Guido Venelli

had a very unusual act.

He would chew up crayons and then spit

a beautiful painting.

Oh, everybody in the audience loved Guido.

Except for maybe the first two rows.

That's nothin', we had a guy down in New Orleans.

He did a three dimensional wall plaque.

Oh, yeah, with crayons?

No, he spit grits.

Well, well, well, if it ain't Romulus and Remus.

Hey, uh, you fellas plannin' to go

to the talent show this year?

Sure, what's it to ya, Carvelli?

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you better

take your sunglasses 'cause when, uh, when your

two little friends is up there,

even the foot lights is gonna turn around.

That's not funny.

Hey, look, what are you gonna be doin'

in the talent show, Carvelli?

Well, I'll tell ya, beau

I'm gonna be takin' home

that beautiful gold trophy.

Come on, Carvelli.

You got about as much chance of winning

as the hunchback of Notre Dame has of buying

a suit off the rack.

That's funny!

Hey, everything's been takin' care of, Carvelli.

That's good, Murray, that's real good.

You see, that's real good.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me.

I'd like to introduce you fellas here.

This is Mr. Arnold Horshack, Mr. Beau de Labarre.

This is his honor Mousey, his honor Rick

and of course, you know, his honor Murray.

- His honor? - It's a term of respect.

You see, these are the fellas that Ms. Tremaine

has selected to be the judges

of the upcomin' talent show.

- Hey, Arnold. - Huh?

I think the fix is in.

Okay, Carvelli, did you bribe them?

How could you say such a thing?

Arnold, let me put it to you this way.

They think that I'm Santa Claus

and he's Murray the red nose reindeer.

Come on, fellas, I'll buy ya a yogurt pizza.

Well, poor god, are we gonna let Murray and Carvelli

get away with this?

Are we gonna let our two best friends

work this hard and have their pride

stolen out from under 'em?

Would the little beaver turn his back

on the Red Ryder?

Would superman turn his back on Lois Lane?

- Not in a phone booth. - Not in that outfit.

Shazam.

Back in Louisiana, we used to have this fox

that would sneak into the chicken coop every night.

My daddy put an end to that.

Oh, yeah, how?

Put a mountain lion in there

and taught him how to lay eggs.

Mister... Oh, Mr. Woodman!

You're just the man I wanted to see.

I never thought I would say that.

What do you want?

Well, we would like to volunteer our services.

Good, why don't you run down to the cafeteria

and defuse the meatballs?

You talk to him, Beau, he's in a great mood.

Hey, look, Mr. Woodman, we wanna help out

in the talent show.

Why don't you learn to play the flute

and lead all the sweat hogs into the river?

Oh, Mr. Woodman, you're such a scamp.

No, we're serious.

We would like to volunteer our services

to be the alternate judges in the talent show.

Ha, ha, you can't be judges!

You gotta mark a ballot.

I know you're not up to the X's yet.

- Oh, Ms. Tremaine, hi! - Hi.

We would like to volunteer our services to be

the alternate judges in the talent show.

Why do we need alternate judges?

Uh, you talk, talk.

Suppose somethin' happened to the regular judges?

You can't have a talent show without judges.

We're havin' it without talent.

Yeah, but, uh, if you didn't have any judges

than you wouldn't have any winners

and then you'd have to have the talent show all over again.

All over again?

Congratulations, alternate judge number one

alternate judge number two.

Be in the auditorium Friday night

and wear old clothes.

If you like it, you mark an X over here

and if you don't, you mark an X over there.

It ain't that deep.

Alright, now, everybody settle down.

How did you get rid of the other judges?

I just told the football team who put

the itching powder in their uniforms.

What?

Oh, I get it!

The sooner we get this show started

the sooner we can get it over with.

Alright, now, I'm about to introduce to you the judges

but before I do, just remember this one thing

these people are human beings just like me

and one or two of you.

Now, our judges are Wilbur Murray.

Stand up, Wilbur.

Listen, what happened to the other two judges?

Well, they were just itchin' to be here

but they just couldn't make it.

I don't know about you two. There's somethin' smelly here.

You think somethin' smells now, wait 'till the show starts.

Alright, now, these are our two alternate judges.

This one is Beau De Labarre.

[crowd booing]

Alright, all quiet now.

Sit down, Beau, go sit down.

And this is Arnold Horshack.

Quiet, will you be quiet, Arnold, stop that!

Sit down!

Now, they're gonna be fair and square.

I'll certainly be fair. We all know how square Arnold is.

Beau De Labarre, I'm tellin' you to sit down, now sit down.

Alright, now on with our show.

For our first contestants, we have the Bonnavittacola

dancing girls.

They are Terry, Linda and Carol.

And they are going to do for you their version

of the nutcracker suite.

They're gonna do this all on pogo sticks.

You're gonna love some of this.

[crowd booing]

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Cut that out. Put that tomato down.

Stop it!

You go to the nurse.

Alright now, for act number 23.

We have a mind reading duo here

called Medium and Rare.

Everybody now, I wanna introduce everybody over here

to the great swamy.

But first, I gotta blindfold him.

Oh, great swamy, are you blindfolded?

- Right. - Alright, okay.

Now, everybody, the swamy, he's gonna baffle your minds

with feats of extra sensory perception and mind readin'.

Okay now, swamy, you ready?

- Yeah, yeah. - Alright.

Come here, baby.

Okay now, swamy, I got a volunteer

from out of the audience.

Now, tell me, swamy, with your great mind

is she male or female?

He's female!

Fantastic! What do you think?

That's right!

Swamy, okay now, okay, now this girl

she has something on her wrist.

And believe me, you'll get this in no time.

- A hat? - No, no, look.

She's got somethin' on her wrist.

- Handcuffs. - No, no, no, swamy.

Now, think, think!

Now, come on now, listen up.

The seconds are tickin' away.

So, watch out.

Watch out?

Watch out?

Watch... Watch... Watch...

On her wrist, she wears a watch!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

The swamy, the swamy knows, he knows.

Come on, come on, give me somethin' tougher

give me somethin' tougher.

Okay, now, swamy, this chick now

she's got somethin' on her foot.

Ew!

Come here now, swamy.

This is gonna be a real shoe-in.

Now, swamy, if you don't get this, you gonna feel

like a heel, so, please don't be a loafer.

Come on, Freddie, give me some clues.

Come on now, swamy, think, think with all your heart

and soul.

Soul?

- Soul, I have it! - Uh-huh!

On her foot, she wears a fish!

I know, the swamy, he knows!

Hey, what's the matter with you?

You did it real good in rehearsal!

In rehearsal, I didn't have to wear a blindfold!

Hey, let's get out of here.

The swamy will return!

Settle down.

For the final act of the evening...

[crowd cheering]

Alright, alright.

We will have songs from the sewer by Carvelli.

Thank you very much for that round of appeal.

It's time for my friend and compatriot, Oyster.

He's over there, Oyster, can we have a round

of applause for Oyster, please?

Thank you very much.

Oyster's telling me something now.

Oyster's gonna be a mother.

Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

Little oysters.

It's alright, she already has two kids.

I'm gonna change a three of clubs

to a one and a half of clubs.

And right now, watch again as I tear it up.

Now, as I tear this up, many things are probably

going through your mind.

I wish I could say the same for myself.

And now, my impression of a parade.

[crowd booing]

I ordered soup.

This first song, it's called lunch.

It's dedicated to dirt.

♪ I was born in the gutter, that's why I'm so smelly ♪

♪ I don't like peanut butter ♪

♪ Unless it's smooshed with jelly ♪

♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪

♪ That's all I put in my belly ♪

♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪

♪ That's all I put in my belly, everybody ♪

♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪

♪ That's all I put in my belly ♪

♪ I'm a peanut butter and jelly kind of guy ♪

♪ Peanut butter and jelly on rye ♪♪

[crowd cheering]

Alright, here we go.

This is called

Carvelli's theme.

♪ My name's Carvelli ♪

♪ I live in New York ♪

♪ I'm so mean and nasty ♪

♪ I eat my soup with a fork ♪♪

Quiet, you're throwin' me off.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Alright, quiet down now, quiet down.

It's now time for the decision of the judges.

We have one vote for Carvelli.

One vote for Medium and Rare.

And one vote for Carvelli.

The winner is Carvelli.

I'm telling you, I've seen shows on Broadway that were worse.

I can't believe this, guys.

Hi.

So, um, what happened, friends?

Yeah, pals?

You guys stank.

I mean really stink.

I mean, whoa!

Alright, I get the picture.

Yeah, I got where you comin' from.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If you voted for Carvelli, and you voted for Carvelli,

who voted for us?

- I did! - You?

Yeah, you were terrific.

Epstein here figured out that she was a girl

and was wearin' a watch.

Epstein, you a great swamy.

Alright, you guys, come on, get that sound system put up.

And get these chairs all folded up.

I'd like to get outta here by 10 o'clock.

Hey, listen, I'm really kind of proud of you guys.

I mean, I like the way you stuck up for your friends

but you were honest with them and honest with yourselves, too.

We did all that?

Hello there, Mr. Woodman. How'd you like the talent show?

- It was too short. - Too short?

Yeah, I got four rotten eggs left over.

Good night, you guys, I'm sorry you didn't win.

You gonna do somethin' different next year?

Nah, I kinda liked this act, you know, the blindfold

protects my eyes against the tomatoes.

With your act, you oughta give the blindfolds to the audience.

I'm tellin' ya, man, we shoulda stuck with the act

that we did last year, that works.

Oh, yes, it was called the hustle, bustle, rustle

bump, lump, grind, rock, sock, lock and boogie.

It sounds like somethin' that happens to my car.

Let Freddie and I illustrate it for you.

Freddie, if you would, one, a two, a one, two three four.

♪ Ba, da, da, da, da, da ♪♪

[eggs crushing] Oh!

♪♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene ♪♪