Original subtitles

Arnold, wait a second, hold the door.

I wanna pass out the latest edition

of "The Buchanan bugle."

Oh here, let me carry some.

Oh, butterfingers.

You know, Mary, you're doing so much on this school paper.

You're the writer, the editor, the paperboy.

- Boy, Arnold? - Paper person.

[chuckles]

Oh, and everybody just loves the paper.

They just can't wait for the next issue to come out.

They read it from cover to cover.

Oh, thank you, Arnold.

Listen, I know we were gonna study Friday night

for that exam on Monday but I have to beg off.

I-I have to lay out some ads.

Oh.

Oh, well, that-that's okay.

How about on Saturday then?

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to type up the new stories.

Sunday for sure.

Okay.

See you later.

Hi.

Extra, extra, read all about it.

"The Buchanan bugle," hot off the presses.

Hand 'em out now, Arnold.

It'll be a while before Epstein figures out

what he's supposed to do with that projector.

Informed students make better lovers.

One for you, and some for you, and some...

There are plenty of pictures if you can't read, you know?

One for you and one for you and one for you

and one for you. And one for me.

Alright, sit down, Horshack.

Now we'll have a film about Bolivia.

And then we'll have a test.

- Oh. - Roll it, Epstein.

Ready and action.

[clatter]

Forget picking up the film, Epstein.

- Just take your seat. - It's alright.

I will be ready for take two in a second.

Get your buns in your chair.

Come on, just give me a second here.

That's what you said yesterday when you broke the sprocket

and the day before when you ran the wrong film.

Are you saying I ain't incompetent?

I'm saying you're washed up as school projectionist.

I don't want you touching the equipment anymore.

Wait a second now. You can't do this to me.

I gave meaning to this crummy job.

I'm sick of your blundering, Epstein.

I'm assigning you to something you can't make any worse.

From now on, you're working on the school newspaper.

Wow, man, "The Buchanan bugle"?

Hey man, I wouldn't put that paper under my dog.

Put that film away and take your seat.

Can we talk about Bolivia?

Uh, forget Bolivia, Mr. Woodman.

The white mice are loose in the biology lab.

We've got to get them back in their cages.

Well, can't you take care of it?

Mr. Woodman, you're so much better at that.

You've got a way with mice.

Beauregard, you're in charge. I'll take care of the mice.

You watch the rats.

[laughs]

Class dismissed.

Hey, little Juan, don't feel so bad.

Look, my friend Mary Johnson is the editor

of "The Buchanan bugle."

Maybe I can pull some strings

and she could do something for you.

Like get you off it.

I just might surprise you guys

and turn that newspaper into something.

Hey, you wouldn't surprise me.

You already turned that projector into a Mixmaster.

C'mon, c'mon, I'm working with inferior equipment here.

Yeah. Your hands and your brain.

- Juan. - What?

Let me fill you in with something, okay?

There's only one paper in this whole

country that's worth reading.

And that's this right here, "The National Insider."

Yeah, I read that every day.

Hey, Murray. It only comes out once a week.

Hey, I'm a slow reader.

Oh, Murray, if you ever donate your brain to science

put a little note on it so they know what it is.

Hey, Carvelli, man, that-that paper there, man

that-that "Insider," that's junk, man. That's-that's trash.

What are you kiddin' me? Where do you see headlines like this?

Look at this. "Three-headed cow

survives elevator fall."

Who cares about a three-headed cow?

A three-headed bull.

Alright, Arnold. Here's something for you right here.

- Look at this. - What?

"Burt Reynolds reveals secret sex appeal diet."

- Look at that. - Oh, let me see this.

Hey, this is what I had for breakfast.

I'd better go home, I might be getting a call from Sally Field.

Bye now.

Get back here. This here's my encyclopedia.

This has got everything and it's stuff they're afraid to put

on television, stories and stuff like that.

Well, I for one am certainly glad that

"The Buchanan bugle" does not stoop

to that kind of shabby reporting.

Maybe that's the problem, Arnold.

The "Bugle" ain't telling the untold story.

Look at this here, "Swiss doctor proves Osmond family

cloning six new brothers."

[theme song]

♪Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪To same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪Well the names have all changed ♪

♪Since you hung around ♪

♪But those dreams have remained ♪

♪And they've turned around ♪

♪Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

I'll tell you something, Mary.

That stuff you're printing is dull.

Dull, dull, dull.

[Mary] What do you mean?

Last week we had a map of the school fire exits.

What's your next biggie? A tour through the air ducts?

Mary, you ain't digging deep enough.

Like, look at this here.

This story you're doing on Mrs. Kotter, right?

Says here, she says

"Mr. Woodman is warm and wonderful."

How does she know he's warm and wonderful, huh?

You're reading too much into it.

Really?

To me, "Warm" covers a lot of territory.

Obviously, Mrs. Kotter's got something goin'

with the old Gray Fox.

Juan, Mrs. Kotter isn't that kind of a person.

I'm telling you that there's an untold story there.

You think we should print those kind of stories?

Hey, let me tell you something, sugar lips.

With my ideas and your spelling, we're gonna

set this school on its ear.

Alright. Who died?

Alright. Who's about to die?

Did you hear the one about the priest

that opened a fish and chips place?

Customer walks in and he looks at him

and he says, "Are you the fish fryer?

"He says, "No, I'm the chipmunk."

You know, it may be hard for you guys to believe this

but sometimes that joke does not get a laugh.

"Basketball star stops wearing diapers.

"Mother admits Freddie "boom boom" Washington

was big laundry problem."

[laughs]

"Southern Sweat hog, Beau DeLabarre

admits he has Klan ties."

Mrs. Kotter, I'm not in the Klan.

I'm gonna need a police escort just to get home tonight.

Juan crucified me too, Mrs. Kotter.

He said that my parents abandoned me in a supermarket.

They left me in a shopping cart somewhere

between the Gorgonzola and the Knackwurst.

Well, I guess I better go have a talk with Juan.

Nah, nah, Mrs. Kotter, you gotta do more than talk to Juan.

You know what you gotta do?

You gotta get him off that paper.

Oh, Freddie, I don't think it's that serious.

Well, wait till you read the untold story

about you and Mr. Woodman.

Page two.

Catch the last line.

[clears throat]

"As he moved closer to Julie, her breath came in short pants.

""Oh, Michael, warm, wonderful Michael," Julie sighed.

"without hesitation, Michael reached for her...

To be continued next week."

[knocks on door]

Come in.

I'll be right with you.

I guess I know why we're all here.

Then again, why don't you just tell us why we're all here?

Freddie's in diapers.

Beau is in the Klan.

Mrs. Kotter's in love with me.

Two of those stories are totally unbelievable.

It's pretty tame stuff. Wait 'til you see next week's paper.

There's not gonna be another issue like this, Epstein.

This is junk journalism.

Junk? You're calling the truth "Junk"?

Look, you can't tell me Freddie didn't wear diapers.

- I know he did. - Yeah.

- When he was only 6 months old. - Well...

I wore diapers myself when I was that age.

Put that notebook away.

Now, look, Mr. Woodman.

Sometimes you just gotta go back to get a story, right, Mary?

Right. Gotta go back.

This article, "DeLabarre has Klan ties."

I didn't read anything about any Klan ties.

C'mon, give me a break here, huh?

This is a misprint.

Supposed to read "DeLabarre has clean ties."

Mr. Woodman, the lab mice are loose again. Let's go.

Not now, Julie, this is more important.

I'm taking Juan off the school paper.

- What? - Don't let him, Mrs. Kotter.

He's tampering with freedom of the press.

Uh, well, Mary, you have to admit that that article

about Mr. Woodman and I was very tacky.

Julie's not my type. She's too tall.

Look, Mr. Woodman. You yank me off that paper

you're gonna lose a great deal of advertising retinue.

We're showing a profit, Mr. Woodman.

The paper cleared over $300 this week.

That is no excuse for the gossip and all that trash.

I got the figures in my office.

Next week, I'm projecting 500 bucks.

Five hundred b-b-bucks?

Juan, I think that you're forgetting what's important.

So are you, Julie. Go catch the mice.

These kids have a paper to put out.

[keys clacking]

Uh, may I?

May I?

Thank you.

That's a good way for you guys to get your

teeth extracted for nothing.

Yeah? Well, if I was you, I'd start worrying about you.

C'mon, c'mon, Freddie.

What's got your nose all out of joint here?

What's got my nose all out of joint? I'm a show you what is.

This right here, this week's issue

is what got me goin' crazy.

There ain't nothing inflammable about you in here, Freddie.

That's the whole problem, Juan.

You got the entire school still thinking that I wear diapers.

You got to print a retraction, man.

Looks like you guys got troubles, huh?

I assume that this is your story, "Backstage at Buchanan"?

I think the people have the rights to know

what goes on behind the footlights, Arnold.

How could you accuse me

of holding up the opening night curtain?

I was there, Arnold. You were ten minutes late.

Well, I had to go to the bathroom.

I saw the play. You should have stayed there.

And then, and then you say that I, I

that I, I, have a temper tantrum.

I do not have temper tantrums!

I don't! I never have temper tantrums.

You said I was yelling and I was fussing.

Never! Never, mister, I never yell and I never fuss.

You mostly scream.

Yeah? Well, you would too if the stage manager

put a lit cigar in your suit of armor.

C'mon, you guys, huh? Knock it off.

You're taking this way too personal.

There's a difference here between friendship and business.

You guys are just gonna have to develop a detached altitude.

Oh yeah? We'll, we're detaching ourselves from you right now.

'Cause I think your head is getting too big for your hair.

You're so twisted, you should model pretzels.

Goodbye, little Juan.

You know, you have really turned into a 24-karat creep.

And you can quote me.

It's alright.

The same thing happened to Citizen Kane.

Hello, Mary.

Look, I want you to cover that girls' basketball game.

I want more than just the score.

I want locker room talk. I want to be able to smell that sweat.

Gotcha.

Well, well, well. Juan Epstein.

Cub reporter.

C'mon, Carvelli, come back later, I'm busy.

Yeah? You're too busy for what I call a scoop headline?

Alright, spill it.

Alright. Dig this.

School mascot kidnapped.

- When? - Tomorrow night.

I told you guys don't make up your own story.

I told you to get the lowdown on the school crossing guard.

Why? She ain't been hit by a car in two weeks.

I tell you, there's still a story there.

Yeah, yeah. Alright.

Epstein, I think I got it. Listen to this.

We will take her sign away and see

if she can stop cars then, huh?

Look, Epstein, what about my expense account?

You know, I got a lot of expenses.

- C'mon, Carvelli, blow, blow. - Yeah.

[blows air]

C'mon, Murray. Hey, Murray, Murray.

Murray, c'mon, let's get outta here.

You know, it's a good thing he didn't tell you to split.

I thought I told you guys to spl--

What's happening, man? How you feeling?

I got something to tell you, man. It's pretty good.

Look, if you came here to heckle me, Freddie.

- You can just forget it. - Oh, no, it ain't that, man.

I got some information, man. It might turn into a hot story.

Yeah? What is it?

You know, you know them cats, the Bendoffo Brothers?

Yeah, yeah, Bonzo and Bruno. Who'd they bust up now?

Nobody yet but get ready for this.

- You ready? - Yeah.

Somebody made a pass at their sister.

Oh-ho-ho-hohh.

Somebody made a pass at Bonita?

Right.

[laughs] This is great.

This gonna be a great story.

Let's see, the last guy to do that

was the captain of the football team, Crash Kawalski.

Hey, whatever happened to him?

Uh, the last I heard

he was back on solid foods.

This is great, Freddie, this is gold.

- This is front-page stuff. - Tell me about it.

Alright, sling the mud. Who was he?

Uh, Arnold told me it was you.

- Me? - Yeah.

Must be some mistake. That's not true. I can't print that.

Hey Juan, that is too true.

Remember, remember when you was out and you was playing in the

schoolyard, you was playing basketball in the schoolyard?

And you took the ball and you threw it to her

and she caught it?

Well, that's what Arnold told 'em.

You made a pass at her.

Freddie, I can get killed.

I mean, didn't anybody say I was just

fooling around with a basketball?

Oh, yeah, I told 'em that. I told 'em

you was fooling around with her.

Basketball. Didn't anybody say anything about the basketball?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beau took care of that.

He says you and Bonita had a ball.

Freddie! Freddie, I can get killed for something like this.

I mean, the Bendoffos, they're liable just to rip off my head.

You got to do something, Freddie.

I mean, you got to tell 'em that that wasn't true.

There's got to be some kind of mistake here.

[knocks on door]

It's them. It's them, it's the Bendoffos.

Freddie, look, I never asked for this. You've just got to help

me, just this one time.

Well, what can I do, Juan? what can I do?

Tell 'em anything. Tell 'em I'd rather die

than go out with their sister.

Alright, Juan.

I'm gonna tell the Bendoffo Brothers that Juan Epstein

says, "He's ready to die."

So... ain't you gonna ask us in?

[wheezy laughing]

What are you guys doing here? You ain't the Bendoffos.

No, we're here for the same reason.

Pound some sense into your head.

That's right. You gotta stop writing all of these, these

half truths these innuendoes, all this sensationalism, Juan.

That's true, Juan. All that stuff you're printing, man

it can do a lot of people harm, cause a lot of people trouble.

So you guys didn't say anything to the Bendoffos?

No. Hey, real friends wouldn't do anything like that.

Yeah, not real friends.

But I guess an ex-friend would.

See you around.

[door closes]

The point I am trying to make is that history

is filled with inaccurate reporting.

Then how come we have to learn it?

Papers, papers, read all about it.

There's more to life than news, weather and sports.

Yeah, there's class work, Epstein. Sit down.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman, I had to

get out the bulldog edition here.

- Unbelievable. - Sensational.

Epstein exposes himself.

"At the tender age of four, a Ragtag Juan Epstein

began his life of crime by stealing the hub cabs

off his own baby carriage."

"At the age of twelve, he hotwired a subway car

and collected fares for three days."

It says, "Later, Juan failed at many jobs.

"As a parking lot attendant

he lost more cars than he parked."

It also says, "Juan was dismissed as a lifeguard

for trying to start a nude beach."

Hey, oh, Juan, I guess

our little talk did you some good, huh?

C'mon, c'mon, you guys, don't flatter yourselves, huh?

I wanted to go out of this newspaper business

in a blaze of glory.

This centerfold is disgusting.

It's the only picture I could find of Mr. Woodman.

What? What?

[Mr. Woodman] Ahh.

Look at those dimples.

Eh, what's happening, Mr. Woodman?

Hi, Mr. Woodman.

Take your seats, will you please?

Right on. Hey, Juan.

Heard you got your old job back, baby.

Yeah, yeah, you can't keep me away from film, you know?

I'm just a 16-millimeter kinda guy.

You mean Woodman gave you your old job back?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, he saw the light.

I think the question is, is he gonna see the film?

Is it gonna work right this time, Epstein?

Oh, sure, sure, I checked the sprockets.

I checked the reel, I checked the plug.

What can go wrong?

The sprockets, the reel and the plug.

Watch this here.

Lights!

Camera!

Action!

[projector whirring]

There it is, it's perfect.

- Hey, Juan? - Yeah.

Juan, you know I don't wanna say anything

about the movie business because, you know

you know all about film and stuff.

But don't you think it'd be a lot easier

if there was a screen up there?

[laughs]

Alright, go easy, huh?

The kid's gonna fix that right now.

[clatter]

[theme song]

♪Welcome back ♪

♪Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪Well the names have all changed ♪

♪Since you hung around ♪

♪But those dreams have remained ♪

♪And they've turned around ♪

♪Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot our friends ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think ♪

♪How it must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene ♪

♪ You were turning in ♪

♪ Was there something that ♪

♪Made you come back again? ♪

♪ Then what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him... ♪♪