Original subtitles

Hey, Juan Epstein, just the guy I've been wanting to see.

Okay, now, you see this right here?

Pick a card, any card, go ahead.

Alright now, both of y'all look at that card.

- Y'all lookin' at it? - Yeah.

Okay, rip it in half.

Okay, rip it in half again.

Okay, throw it over your right shoulder.

That card was the... seven of clubs.

- Wrong. - Okay, pick another card.

- Okay, rip it in half. - Guys, guys, oh, guys.

Boy am I in trouble, you gotta help me.

This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Don't tell me.

You wore out a foot in your Dr. Dentons.

Will you come on? This is serious.

Oh, you wore out both foots.

Now, look, Arnold, don't mind these clowns over here.

You just tell Uncle Juan what ails ya.

Well, Uncle Juan

last night... Mary Johnson called me up

and asked me to that party tonight.

Oh, you... you turned her down, huh?

Oh, worse, I said yes.

What am I gonna do?

Well, for starters, you can go

to the party with her.

I can't do that! E...

Every time... I'm around her

I-I freeze up, my-my...

My tongue gets all tied and my hands get all sweaty.

Ooh, Arnold.

Sounds like, uh, you in love.

Ooh!

Either that, or you got a case of hoof-and-mouth disease.

That's it, that's it.

Every time I'm around her, I open my mouth

and I put my hoof in it.

I mean, it was a lot easier

to talk to her when, when we was just friends, you know

but now, now she's a date and everything is different.

Arnold, Arnold, now look.

Communicating with the opposite sex isn't that difficult.

Just forget they're girls and pretend they're regular people.

Yeah, come on, guy. You're a man, she's a woman.

You're tough, she's soft.

Blow in her ear, she'll love it.

But what if it makes her mad?

Oh, Arnold, don't worry about nothin', man.

Most chicks don't throw a punch on the first date.

Okay, okay, I'll try, I'll be tough.

- I'll be mean. - Macho man!

I'll be macho man.

[indistinct chatter]

Macho man, alright, here we go.

Hi, guys.

Can Arnold come out and play?

Hi, Arnold.

Is our date still on for tonight?

What time will you pick me up?

Okay. See ya at 7:00.

Bye.

You see what I mean? If I don't find some way

to impress her at that party tonight

she's never gonna go out with me again.

Oh, Arnold, come on, man.

Relax. Take it easy, you're gonna be alright.

You're gonna do just fine, don't worry about nothin'.

Yeah, but what am I gonna say to her

when she asks why I'm not talking?

Just tell her you're a little hoarse.

Hey, Arnold. Listen, I couldn't help but overhear.

You know, you're having a little problem

with the females of the opposite sex, huh?

That's none of your business, Carvelli.

Well, Arnold, come on, look,

I'm not gonna spread this around the school, you know?

Look, I'm not that kind of guy.

Yeah, there ain't no money in that.

Look, for a small fee

I can fix you up with a magic potion

that will give you the, uh, the courage that you need.

- Yeah, what is it? - Come over here.

Murray. Arnold, check it out.

Liquid backbone.

[sniffs] This is whiskey, I don't want this.

You don't want it? Hey, no problem.

Look, Arnold, there's lots of people

who pay cash for this, you know?

It's fine, look, you want to make a fool

outta yourself in front of Mary

that's alright with me. Here, I'll bill ya.

Come on, Murray, let's go steal a girl.

Hey, Carvel...

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Have you seen Arnold this morning?

He was acting so strangely at the party last night.

Berserk was more like it.

You know, he was even acting weird when he picked me up.

Kept calling my mother Tootsie.

You think that's weird?

That's what he was calling me

all last night, too.

When I got a ride home with Sally

he was dancing on a tabletop.

Yeah, well, you should have stuck around

till 2 o'clock in the morning.

He challenged the football team to a fight.

Arnold? That's crazy!

No, the crazy thing was that he had

the whole football team all scared.

[bell ringing]

Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

As you know, your poetry assignments

are due this morning.

Mr. Epstein, I think we'll start with you.

Epstein!

Your poem.

The title of my poem is "Fleas."

Adam had 'em.

I see.

In that case, the title of your mark is F

Tough stuff.

Alright, Tremaine, what's the big idea

starting class without me?

Well, you'll have to forgive me, Arnold

I just don't know what came over me.

The bell rang, and before I knew it

I'd started the class.

Alright, alright, alright, I'll let it pass this time.

But next time, you watch it.

Thank you so much.

Now, I'm not trying to push my luck here

but, uh, you wouldn't happen to have

a tardy excuse on you, would you?

You want a tardy excuse?

I'll give you a tardy excuse.

I'm tardy, excuse me!

[laughing]

You're gonna have to excuse Arnold.

He gets a little cranky when his malt-o-meal is lumpy.

[laughing]

Yeah, how would you like a lumpy lip, sheep head?

[scoffing]

Boy, you people are dreary.

Not you, baby.

Alright, Mr. Horshack.

Since you seem to have the attention of the class

why don't you just get up on your feet

and give us your poetry assignment?

It would be my pleasure.

[chuckling]

[clears throat]

There was an old man from Nantucket

who got his head stuck in a bucket--

- Arnold, that is enough! - Oh, come on!

Come on, loosen up, this is a killer.

Arnold, that's enough. I want you to sit down.

I will not sit down, I want to read my poem

and anybody that tries to stop me is looking for big trouble.

Well, trouble is my middle name.

Arnold, guy, come on, huh?

Grab a seat, it ain't worth all this, huh?

Are you gonna let me read my poem or not?

Hey, Arnold, come on, man, cut it out, man.

- She said sit down, sit down. - I will not sit down!

Arnold, please.

You people are all makin' fun of me.

Don't think I don't know it, you've been makin' fun of me

all my life, but you're not gonna do it anymore.

Nobody's making fun of you, Arnold.

And another thing!

You're going to the prom with me on Friday night.

I'll pick you up at 8:30.

Well, he sure got over his shyness with girls.

- Here, two bucks? - Yeah.

Say, Arnold, we're here to pick up our tickets for the prom.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, guys

but we sold out the prom tickets yesterday.

Well, what are you talkin' about?

You said you were gonna save those discount tickets for us

so we can get our cash together.

Yeah, now we gotta pay full price at the door.

Yeah, I-I never said any such thing.

You did to, how could you forget?

It was just the day before yesterday.

- Are you calling me a liar? - I'm not calling you a liar.

I'm calling you a pea brain, pal.

Anybody with half a mind would remember a promise to a friend.

Oh, Juan, Juan, you know me.

I don't forget my promises...

...to my friends.

I don't believe this.

I gotta get going here, Mr. Benedict Arnold Horshack.

I don't believe it!

Looks to me like Arnold's had a blowout of the brain

and he's ridin' on the rims.

Hey, guys! Guys!

Guys, don't you run away mad!

Just run away.

[laughs]

"Just run away," that's pretty good, "just run away."

[laughing] "Just run away."

Hey, hey, Freddie, my main man! What's shakin', huh?

Your teeth if you don't straighten up.

Arnold, where's your head at, man, you're leaving the counter

here with nobody here. What's wrong with you?

Hey, come on, man, ease up, don't blow a gasket.

I was just... I was just around the corner at my locker.

Look, I don't care what you was doing, you understand me, man?

You're never supposed to leave the counter with money on it.

- What's wrong with you? - Oh.

You don't like the money on the counter.

No, I don't like the money on the counter.

- That's the problem? - Yeah, that's the problem.

End of problem.

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?

Yeah, I'm crazy, I'm crazy to think

that I could ever be partners with you.

Look, you want to run the store school, you got it!

Run it into the ground for all I care.

It's alright, I'll take care of this.

Here, Freddie, let me help you.

You want to help me? You just keep Arnold out of my sight

before I make him a permanent part of that locker.

Just cool down a little bit now.

Let me see what I can do about this.

You redecorating, Arnold?

What's it to you?

Well, I've been wondering what's been keeping you

out of my class for the last couple of days.

Is something the matter?

Yes, something is the matter, Mrs. Tremaine.

You see...

I'm sick and tired of everybody asking me

if something's the matter. I'm fine, okay? I'm just fine.

Never better.

Now why don't you just go peddle your poetry

and leave me alone?

And I'm telling you if you don't cough up

more money for lab animals, the students are gonna

start dissecting each other!

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Mr. Woodman, I hate to interrupt you

when you're having such a good time.

I have to speak to you on a very serious matter.

Uh, it has to do with a drinking problem.

Well, if it's a student who's drinking, we'll expel him.

That wasn't so tough, was it?

Well, Mr. Woodman, let's just forget that you're the principal

and that I'm the teacher for a moment

and let's just say I'm talking about a friend of mine.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

- Have a seat, Jean. - Uh, thank you.

Now, uh... tell me all about your friend's troubles.

Well, this just started recently, um

but already I've seen some signs of alcohol abuse

and there's been a personality change

and a lot of snapping at the, um, kids in class

and just a general decline in the school work.

Oh, sorry.

What about... loss of coordination?

Yes, and that, too, uh, Mr. Woodman, this person

has already come to school drunk.

Tell me, dear.

Does this person take a drink first thing in the morning?

I don't know, only my friend could answer that for sure.

Well, of course, your friend is very clever.

Mr. Woodman, I just don't know what to do.

- I feel so helpless. - Well, of course you do.

But at least you recognize there's a problem.

That's half the battle right there.

Now what do I do about it?

Well, the first thing you have to do is get off the sauce.

Get off the sauce?

You're too bright a woman to drown your future in a bottle.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, this is not about--

I say pull yourself up by your bootstraps

and never look back!

But Mr. Woodman, you've got this all wrong.

I have not, I read the same advice

in Ann Landers' column yesterday morning

and Annie's never wrong! God, I love that woman!

Alright, now, alright. Now, listen to me.

I've asked you all here because I'm very concerned about Arnold.

Why didn't you make Arnold miss his lunch?

Yeah, couldn't make him act any meaner

than he's been acting anyway.

You can say that again.

I've called you here because

you're all Arnold's friends.

That lets us out, Murray.

- Let's get out of here. - Yeah, let's get out--

Sit down.

And as Arnold's friends, I think

you should be made aware

that, well, Arnold's got a drinking problem.

You mean he has trouble swallowing?

I mean that this personality change that's come over him

is because of alcohol.

Come on, come on, Horshack doesn't touch anything

stronger than Ovaltine.

That's right, and even then he says

the bubbles tickle his nose.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong

but I found this in Arnold's locker

and I just do not think this is Ovaltine.

[sniffs]

It ain't Ovaltine. This is Louisiana stunt blower.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me see that here. Let me see it, Beau.

I beg to differ with you, Beau.

This is the finest Kentucky whiskey you can buy

for a dollar and 37 cents.

Yeah, he say it's high-class rotgut.

Just how much do you know about this, Carvelli?

All I know is I sold the guy a little something before a party

to help him calm his nerves, that's all.

How much have you sold him since?

Madam, you offend me deeply.

Now, Carvelli is an entrepreneur, sure

I'm always out to make a fast buck

but I'm not a corruptor of youth.

Now, look, Arnold may be drinking like a fish

but he's not gettin' it from me anymore.

He hasn't even paid me for the first bottle yet.

Maybe he's collecting the empties for a refund, huh?

I think Arnold's problem is too serious to be laughed off.

Are you saying that Arnold is a... alcoholic?

No, I don't think he has a physical dependency on alcohol

but he may be developing an emotional dependency

that could lead to a physical dependency.

- Why haven't we seen him drunk? - Oh, you have, Beau.

You don't have to be sloppy to be drunk.

Alcohol affects everybody differently

and with Arnold, it's a personality change.

Are you accusing Arnold Horshack of having a personality?

I haven't told Mr. Woodman about this yet

but I will if Arnold doesn't stop drinking.

Now, that's where you guys come in.

You're Arnold's friends.

He looks up to you, he trusts you.

Not anymore, he doesn't.

Arnold, I was just saying to your--

What were you gonna say?

"Arnold, I've been going through

"your personal property so I can get

"evidence against you?

"Arnold, I gathered your friends, your friends

so that they could stab you in the back?"

Arnold, come on, now, back off, man.

- You got the wrong idea. - Come on, Arnold.

We're here, we care about you.

Arnold, man, drinking that junk, man,

that's not your answer, man, that's your problem.

Come on, give it to him!

The only problem I've got is finding myself

a new set of friends.

Arnold! Arnold, wait.

Arnold, wait!

Now, I can't stop you from drinking,

but I won't stand for you doing it on my time.

You bring one more bottle into this school

and I'll personally see to it that you and the bottle

are tossed out.

Alright, now, you listen to me.

I am sick and tired of your interference.

You stay out of my locker, and you stay out of my life!

What's all the commotion?

I can hear you clear down the hall.

It's nothing, Mr. Woodman, just a personal problem.

- So I see. - Oh, Mr. Woodman!

That's a good start, Jean.

[door slams]

♪♪

♪ Shake shake shake shake shake shake ♪

♪ Shake your Booty shake your... ♪♪

Oh, Jean. I want to ask you a question.

- Yeah? - What's a booty?

Why do you ask?

I wanna make sure I'm shakin' the right thing.

Don't worry about it, Mr. Woodman.

If you shake it, you'll know it.

♪ Shake shake shake... ♪

The boys has arrived.

Let the good times roll.

- My, you look fine. - Yeah, yeah.

That's one of the advantages of having an uncle

in the dry cleaning business, you know?

Yeah, it's just a shame that we gotta get 'em back

in their plastic bags by the morning.

Hey, Mrs. Tremaine, have you seen Arnold yet?

No, but I'm keeping an eye out for him.

Well, you know what they say, eight eyes are better than two.

- So we'll help you. - Alright.

Hey, why don't you take the girls and powder your corsages.

We'll meet you over here in a couple minutes, alright?

See you later, baby.

[laughing]

Never fear, the Horshack is here.

Mary, Mary, what have we here?

Epstein. Where's the funeral?

Arnold, Arnold, please.

Um, uh, Mary, uh, you look lovely.

She looks lovely, doesn't she?

Mary, you look great, and, um...

You mind if, um, if we have a little talk

with Arnold for a few minutes?

We have a little unfinished business.

We'll bring him right back,

don't worry about it, alright?

- Guys, get your hands off me! - You better shape up, pal.

If Mrs. Tremaine finds you in this condition

she's gonna kick you out the dance.

Forget about the dance, she's gonna kick you out of school.

Arnold Horshack, kicked out of school?

- I'll drink to that. - Not in front of me, you ain't.

Alright, Epstein, give me that bottle!

Come on, you don't need that stuff!

What's happening here? What's going on here?

You've been asking for this all week long!

Mary! Oh, Mary!

Mary, what have I done? Mary!

It's only our second date, and I've killed her!

Somebody call a doctor, quick!

Arnold, Arnold, listen to see if her heart is beating.

Listen to see if her heart is beating!

Mary, forgive me!

[panting]

It's beating, it's beating!

It's beating, she's alive! She's alive!

So why don't she wake up?

She's knocked out, give her some air, Arnold.

Give her air. Give her air, everybody.

Move back, give her air. Mary, Mary, please.

Mary, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean... Really I didn't.

Mary, please. Mary, wake up!

Mary, why won't you speak to me?

Arnold?

I don't go this far on a second date.

Mary? Are you alright?

I've been better.

Mary, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I don't know what happened, it's just...

It's just that you were drinking, Arnold,

and you've got to stop.

Well, I only did it to impress you.

I would never do anything to hurt you, Mary, never ever.

Arnold, don't you see, when you hurt yourself

you hurt me the most.

Besides, it's the real you I'm impressed with.

You really mean that?

I really do.

Who needs liquor?

I got love.

Nice, huh? What's wrong, Freddie?

Oh, I-I-I just got something in my eye.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ Then what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪♪