Original subtitles

- Hey, how's it going, guys? - Hey, Juan.

I got an extra ticket here for the wrestling matches.

Which one of you guys gonna be the lucky stiff

that gets to go with me, huh?

Thanks anyway, Juan, but me and Freddie here

we have a date with the, uh, Takeuchi twins.

We're gonna go over to their house, man, and they're gonna

cook us some oriental soul food.

Alright, Arnold, I guess that leaves me and you, huh, buddy?

Sorry.

But I have a very heavy date.

Hey, what's with you guys, spending time with chicks

when you could be having some real fun

at the wrestling matches, huh?

Come on, guys, I'm talking hammer locks over here.

I'm talking... I'm talking bear hugs.

I'm talkin' full Nelsons!

Now where else you guys gonna find that kind of excitement?

[both] With the Takeuchi twins.

[knock on door]

Just a minute!

Okay.

Mrs. Kotter. Hi, I'm Kelly Woodman.

- Mr. Woodman's niece. - Oh, hi, Kelly.

Gosh, it is so nice of you to come

baby-sit for me at the last minute.

Now the girls are sound asleep...

The girls are sound asleep and Dr. Melman's phone number

is on the phone and, uh...

We'll be at the high school if you need us.

We're at the faculty dinner dance.

- Hi, Julie. - Hi.

- Evening, Kelly. How's college? - Pretty good, Uncle Michael.

I've got a big midterm I'm studying for tonight.

Just like a Woodman. Nose to the grindstone.

Eye to the sheepskin.

Julie, are you sure Gabe won't mind me taking you

to the faculty dance, seeing as he's out of town?

Um, when I asked him if he minded, uh

he just laughed.

Yeah. I wouldn't want him to be jealous.

Trust me.

In that case, here's a little something for you.

- Oh! What is it? - It's a cauliflower corsage.

I picked it up at the health food store

on the way over, it was the only store open.

Oh. It's very nice.

But it's so special that I don't want to wear it.

- You mean that? - Yeah.

Kelly, would you do me a favor and put this in a vase

with some melted butter?

Sure, Mrs. Kotter.

Well, come on, Julie, we can't be late.

I've arranged for us to lead off on the opening dance.

♪ I'm puttin' on a top hat ♪

♪ Tying up my white tie brushing off my tails ♪♪

We won't be late.

Thank you.

♪ Da da-da-da da-da da-da ♪

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - It's me, Mrs. Kotter, Epstein.

I want to know if Mr. Kotter wants to go

to the fight with me tonight.

Uh, sorry, Mr. Kotter's out of town right now.

I'm watching the twins. Uh, is there any message?

Yeah. Tell him I'd like to meet his babysitter.

Yeah, I'll do that, bye now.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Perhaps you're the kind of girl

who likes a formal introduction.

I'm in Mr. ♪'s class over at Buchanan.

[sighs]

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Juan Epstein. And you are?

Kind of busy right now. Goodnight!

[banging on door]

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this, somebody stole my car.

Wasn't parked outside now more than five minutes ago.

- Oh, no! - Yeah, yeah.

Mind if I come inside here and use your phone?

Oh, sure, come on... Oh. Wait a minute.

Yeah, the phone's right there. Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess it's just the day and age in which we live, you know?

It's getting sodden on a attractive girl

like yourself over here.

Can't even open up the door for a nice guy

I mean, I'm talking nice guy.

Unless he lies and says his car was stolen.

- Oh, now, wait a minute. - Tricky little devil, ain't I?

Look, Mrs. Kotter is not gonna like this one bit.

- Now you have got to go. - Ooh.

Ooh, when you point like that it reminds me

of this puppy we once had.

But then again, we had to get rid of it because

it kept pointing us out to the bill collectors.

- Yeah, gotcha, huh? - Uh-huh, yeah.

- So what's your name? - Fido.

I like you, Fido.

Look, uh, it's nothing personal

but I am responsible for this house, you know?

Oh, sure, sure.

And I'm responsible for the babies.

And so you have got to get out of here.

Um... uh, wha-what I meant was...

What?

Well, I'm just gonna have to ask you to leave.

Of course, maybe you could sit quietly and let me study.

I got a better idea. Why don't I help you study?

Sort of like the blind leading the blonde, huh?

Okay, well, thanks, that would be great. Uh...

Do you know anything about abnormal psychology?

Come on, come on, abnormal psychology

is my life here.

Alright, where do you want to start, Fido?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

No more, no more! I can't do it no more, please!

Please stop, please stop!

Okay, okay.

The Klondike Killer has the Phantom down on the canvas

last ten seconds of the match, okay?

But the Klondike Killer has one trick

hidden up his tank top.

The dreaded half Nelson.

Wait a minute. What's a half Nelson?

Come on, come on, ain't you ever been to the fights before?

No, most of the college guys I date take me

to foreign film festivals.

Look, come on over here, Fido, I'll learn you some new tricks.

- Okay. - Alright.

You're gonna be the Phantom, I'm gonna be

the Klondike Killer, okay?

You come over here, and now what happens is

the Phantom slips his arm underneath it.

Eases his neck just like that, okay?

- Like this? - Right. Now.

You try and twist out of it, go ahead.

Now what we have here is the dreaded...

Dreaded half Nelson.

Do you want to try for a full Nelson?

Let's see who yells uncle first.

- Uncle! - Ah, uncle!

I knew I'd win this round!

I wouldn't be so sure.

Mr. Woodman!

- Epstein! - Mrs. Kotter!

- Kelly! - Juan!

Fido!

This is not at all what it looks like, Uncle Michael.

Uncle Michael?

- You're Fido's uncle? - Stop calling her Fido!

Wait, wait, wait.

I am sure that there is a logical explanation

for all this somewhere.

Yeah, sure, sure, I was just

showing Fido over here a couple wrestling moves--

- Kelly, Kelly. Kelly. - Kelly.

It's really nice to meet you, Kelly.

No, no.

Yeah, yeah, I was just showing Kelly over here

a couple of wrestling holds, that's all.

Wrestling holds?

You animal. You...

You get out of here, or I'll show you a wrestling hold

in your throat!

Alright, alright, I'm going, alright?

I'm goin', but I got one thing I want to say before I go.

I love you, Fido.

Oh, Uncle Michael, how could you?

Juan, wait!

Hey, Mrs. Kotter.

Another field trip like that

and the Sweathogs could definitely become extinct.

Alright, you weasels. Where's Epstein?

Did you give him the note to report to my office

the minute you got back?

Well, we left him the note just like you said

but apparently, Little Juan never arrived.

Yeah, and he never came home last night, neither.

I'm telling you, man, his momma called me up

at 6 o'clock this morning looking for him.

- This is an outrage! - You telling me, man.

I didn't know there was a 6 o'clock in the morning.

How you doing, guys, huh?

Morning, Mrs. Kotter.

Top of the morning to you, Uncle Michael.

Don't Uncle Michael me, mister.

Juan, don't you think you owe us a little bit of an explanation?

[chuckles] Hey, what's to explain, Mrs. Kotter

it was just love at first sight.

Ugh!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Juan, about your behavior... - Yeah, yeah.

I'm real sorry about that, Mrs. Kotter.

From now on, me and Kelly won't be doing

no more wrestling holds in your apartment.

I should hope not.

Me and Kelly got our own apartment.

- What? - That's right.

Me and Kelly are moving in together.

Ah!

Juan, do you have any idea what you just said?

Yeah, I said I'm in love, Mrs. Kotter.

Maybe if you weren't married, you'd understand.

Juan, you know, living with another person

is not just playing house.

Maybe you and Kelly should just take some time

and get to know one another.

Why don't you try being pen pals?

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Kotter, but our minds are made up.

Come on, Juan, listen. Now, look.

You tie yourself down with one woman

before long, she's gonna have you so well-trained

that we won't even know you.

- Come on. - He's right, man.

Pretty soon, man, that chick's gonna have you

taking out the garbage, man, washing your own underwear.

Eating with a knife and fork.

Ah, forget it.

Look, I came in here with good news.

I was stupid enough to think my friends

would be happy for me.

Thanks for nothing.

Hi, Kelly. I'm so glad.

I'm so happy. I just heard the news.

Oh. Well, hello, Emily. What news?

That you are, as we say in the sociology department

going to have a new toothbrush on your bathroom shelf?

And as we say in the psychology department

what's it to you?

Living with somebody is a big responsibility.

It's not something you jump into lightly.

Does he have a friend?

Yes, he does, me.

Look, Emily, um... all I know is that he's...

He's different from any guy I've ever known.

And I really wanna be with him.

Aww. What's he look like?

Um...

You see that cute guy standing over there?

That kid who looks like he's running away from home?

- He looks exactly like that. - Only older.

Exactly like that. Hi, honey.

Hey, how you doing there, sugar lips?

Um, Emily, this is Juan.

Juan, this is my friend Emily.

Nice to meet you.

You're ethnic.

I'm a sociology major.

I love ethnics!

You're fat.

I'm a Puerto Rican Jew.

I love fat people.

You got yourself a real gem, Kelly.

If I were you, I'd switch my major to animal husbandry.

I like your friend, you know. Real kick in the pants.

- Juan, you insulted her. - I did?

Come on, in my neighborhood, that would've been the start

of a beautiful friendship.

Yes, but we're not in your neighborhood.

Yeah, I know, you could say that again.

This place is very Bohemian, you know?

I never been in a restaurant before

that didn't smell like food.

What kind of joint is this, anyway?

Well, this is my favorite health food place.

Get used to it, 'cause we're gonna be eating here a lot.

Sure, sure.

- You folks ready to order? - Go ahead.

Uh, let's see, I'll have a double cheeseburger

with some chili on it, some raw onions

you gotta have onions, don't ya?

And uh, make it rare, I like it real bloody.

We're into purity here. We don't serve meat.

Uh... Honey.

All they serve here are vegetables.

I don't like vegetables.

Matter of fact, I hate vegetables.

They go in my mouth, they get all slimy on me, you know?

And that's not bad, but what happens is then they go

in the back of my tongue and they get stuck, I gotta gag.

Alright, okay.

Listen, can we just have a couple beers?

Sure, uh, does your friend here have any ID?

Hey, guy, it's cool, I'm legal, I'm over 18, alright?

Yeah, but it's a house rule. We gotta check.

You calling me a liar?

Hey, man, now maintain.

- It's a rule. - Yeah?

Yeah, well, I got a rule that says nobody

calls me a liar and lives to tell about it.

Now either you bring me that brew

or I'm gonna bust this place wide open, huh?

Alright, ease off. I'll get your beers.

Did you have to create such a scene?

I'm sorry about that, Kelly, look, I ain't really that hungry

and I brought my stuff over here

so why don't we go over to your place, have a movin' in party?

Oh, well, I-I'd love to, but I've got a class.

- So skip it. - Juan, I can't.

Listen, school is very important to me.

I've got a plan for my life, you know

and getting my degree is a big part of it.

Can't you understand that?

Yeah, sure, sure, I understand that.

I got plans for my future, too.

I mean, like, I never told anybody this

but... I got a dream.

See, when I was about six years old, there was this

tenement house besides ours, it was really run-down

and everything.

So one day the city comes in, tears it down

I mean, they flatten it out, there's nothing left there

but rubble and all.

So in the middle of the night while I'm sleepin'

this fleet of dump trucks comes in.

Clears out the whole lot, I wake up that morning

the lot is clean as a whistle, like magic or something.

Well, it was right then and there that old Juan Epstein

knew what he wanted to do with his life.

I want to really be a part of this city, Kelly.

Sort of like clearing away the old

to make way for the new.

I want my own fleet of dump trucks.

Let me tell you something, Kelly.

There's slums in this city screaming

just begging to be torn down and I'm just the guy to do it.

I mean, I really got a dream, Kelly.

I got a dream that someday

people are gonna pass by a vacant lot full of nothing.

Say to themselves, "Juan Epstein was here."

Oh, Juan.

[chuckles] You!

You really had me fooled.

That's great.

Dump trucks, it's so ridiculous. I love it!

[laughing]

Honey, you got such an imagination

what a sense of humor dump trucks, it's so stupid!

[laughing]

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - It's great.

Well, look, I-I really got to get going, Kelly.

There's something I forgot over here at school.

♪♪

The beer's on me.

Hey, Little Juan, what are you doing here?

Well, uh, there comes a time in a man's life

when he just has to shoot baskets, you know?

Look, it ain't gonna work, guys

I mean, it just ain't gonna work.

'Course it ain't gonna work.

You gotta put it through the hoop.

I ain't talkin' about shootin' baskets

I'm talkin' about me and Kelly.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, for one thing, Beau, she's smarter than me.

Oh, now, that's not right, Little Juan.

- What? - She's smarter than I.

- Look, do you still like her? - Yeah.

- She likes you? - So she says.

So... what's the problem?

Well, look, it just takes more than thinking you love somebody

to be able to move in with them.

I mean there's other things, too, you know?

Stuff like, likes and dislikes

and plans for the future.

- What you talkin' about? - Listen to this.

She only likes vegetables.

You should be close enough.

I ain't talkin' about me, I'm talkin' she only eats

vegetables, can you imagine that?

- Ew! - What are you gonna do now?

I don't know, Beau, I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, no, I don't believe this, she's over here!

It's the last person I want to see right now.

Hey, uh, you guys, uh, I just remembered.

Uh, we got something very important to do.

- What? - Leave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Juan. Um...

You be cool, man, we check you later, alright?

Later, Juan. Good luck.

Juan, I-I waited for you at the apartment.

What are you doing here playing ball?

It's where I belong, playing ball.

Not playing house with you.

What are you talking about?

Juan. What's the matter?

Look, Kelly, it ain't gonna work, okay?

Me and you, it ain't gonna work.

I mean, uh, I could live with your vegetables.

And I could learn to like your fat friend...

But you laughed at my dump trucks.

I mean, you should never laugh at a man's dreams.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, me, too.

I mean, like, you're in college, you know

I'm gonna be lucky if I get out of high school.

You're gonna be busy shrinking heads

and me, I'm gonna be, uh...

Look, Kelly, don't you understand? I...

I'm just not ready to live with somebody.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess so.

- Well, look, if you-- - Well, look...

Go ahead, you go first, you talk first.

No. You go ahead.

Maybe we could see each other again, huh?

Yeah, I-I'd like that.

'Cause I want you to know something.

You are the nicest girl I have almost moved in with.

Goodbye, Juan.

I'm gonna miss you, Fido.

Hey, y'all look! I got the tickets, man.

I got the tickets for the fight tonight, man.

And I hope Juan appreciates us breaking our dates

with the Takeuchi twins just so we can take him

to these fights.

Hey, Juan, Juan, my man, what's happening?

What's happening? Check this out, baby.

Tickets for a fight tonight.

Ooh, I would if I could, but I got a date tonight.

Man, what you mean, jelly bean?

Little Juan.

How did you get a date so fast?

You guys ain't gonna believe this.

But two knuckleheads went and stood up the Takeuchi twins.

Hey...

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪♪