Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

Good morning.

Day shift orderlies, fall in.

Barbarino, you got in just under the wire.

No, I didn't, I came in in the employees' entrance

just like you told me.

Okay, here are today's assignments.

Emergency.

You, in emergency, stat.

Let's see, operating room.

Very nice, Barbarino.

All you need is a tutu

and you'd be another Rudolph Nureyev.

Back.

Now, the operating room... let's see.

Uh, you, assist in the operating room.

Okay, Barbarino, you've been trying

to get my attention. Now what is it?

What, what, what?

Look, I want an important job to do.

- Oh, you do? Good. - Yes.

Because I'm putting you in charge of tile hygiene.

Alright, tile hygiene!

What is it?

Same as usual.

Nurse Bonney, all I ever do around here

is mop floors a-and make beds.

Practice makes perfect.

Well, how come you don't put me in the emergency room

like you do with the other guys?

You in the emergency room?

[laughing]

[sarcastically laughs]

What's wrong? I can handle an emergency.

You get confused when you change the mop water.

♪ Macho macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ Macho macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be... ♪♪

Barbarino, don't come in here without knocking.

Didn't anyone ever teach you manners?

Yeah, the same guy who taught you how to dance.

Oh, look, Mr. Woodman, look at this.

Some guy with little teeny weeny feet

walked all over your book.

What do you want, Barbarino?

Nurse Bonney at the hospital, she's been giving me

these dumb jobs lately and I want to show her

that I can do more.

What are you gonna show her?

How to hot wire an iron lung?

[laughs]

That's funny.

Hot wire an iron lung.

I got to send that to Johnny for his monolog.

[laughs]

Look, I want you to call and recommend me

to do some better jobs.

Michael Woodman recommend Vinnie Barbarino?

What is this, "Candid Camera?"

Look, all I want is a chance to show her.

Barbarino, look, nothing comes easy in this world.

I mean, let me ask you something.

How do you think I got to be principal of this school?

That's what everybody wants to know.

If Nurse Bonney doesn't think you're ready

for more responsibility, you're probably not.

I mean, I can't influence her decision.

So that means you ain't gonna call her?

That's right.

♪ Macho macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ Macho macho man ♪♪

How'd you do, huh? How'd you do?

Did you get Woodman to soften up?

I knew it. The only thing soft about Mr. Woodman is his head.

Well, his body ain't exactly a piece of the rock.

I can see it now, 50 years from now

I'll be the oldest mopping orderly.

They're gonna give me a-a gold bucket and a gold mop.

Well, look, if Woodman won't put in a good word

for Vinnie, then somebody else is gonna have to.

Yeah.

Now, look, I know you guys are upset

but don't do anything foolish.

Uh, w-we wouldn't do anything foolish.

That would be... foolish.

- We're cool. - Me, foolish?

[Arnold] Innocent as can be, come on.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

- Nurse Bonney? - Yes?

I'd like to talk to you about Vinnie Barbarino.

If you have a complaint about him

you file it with the administrator's office.

I don't have a complaint about him.

You don't have a complaint about him?

Then why do you want to talk about Barbarino?

[sighs] Nurse Bonney, I'm working at Buchanan High School now

and I've known Vinnie a very long time.

- How long? - Four years.

Oh, you poor dear.

How did you manage to stay so young?

Well, I find Vinnie exhilarating.

Well, one woman's exhilaration is another woman's aggravation.

Nurse Bonney, despite his rough exterior

there's a very trustworthy, honest

and level-headed young man.

You know, he'd work very hard if you'd give him a chance.

Where is he?

Where is he?

I wants to see orderly, orderly...

- Vinnie Barbarino. - Yes, yes, yes.

I want to shake the hand of the man

that performed this miracle.

Guys, don't you think you're going...

Hey, don't say another word, sister.

You must hear what this giant

of the world of medicine has done.

Yes, yes! This young man here

he was minding, he was minding his own business.

You see, he was walking down the street

he was eating a tuna fish sandwich

when all of a sudden a runaway hotdog truck came

and ran him over.

If it wasn't, I said

if it wasn't for the quick action

of orderly, uh, orderly...

- Vinnie Barbarino. - Vinnie Barbarino.

Yes, yes, that soothed this broken and shattered limb.

- Oh, yes, broken and shattered. - Broken and shattered.

Using the only material at hand

some napkins and some soggy hotdog buns.

And now, and now, in this moment of revelation

we shall see if Vinnie Barbarino's

extraordinary efforts on medical science worked.

Oh, please, let it be good news.

I only wish that his one arm be like the other.

[grunts]

Moveit, son!

Move that arm. See the glory of being healed.

Agh, agh, agh! It works, it works.

It's a miracle. It's a miracle.

It works, it works, oh, it works.

I'm whole again.

And I owe it all to Vinnie Barbarino.

That's B-A-R-B-A-R-I-N-O.

I know who it is.

And I know who you are.

Now I'm a very busy woman. If you'll excuse me.

Well, guys, looks like you struck out.

Do me a favor, the next time use your heads

not your hearts.

How are we gonna explain this to Vinnie?

I don't know.

Come on, let's split, y'all.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

I told you not to hang out here.

[Bonney] Barbarino, I want you to take Mrs. Fishbein

and her husband up to 604 immediately. Right now.

Listen, get lost 'cause I'm trying to make

a good impression on Nurse Bonney.

[Arnold] Okay, Vinnie. We'll see you tomorrow.

How many times have I got to tell you

not to hang out with me?

Hi, just relax now.

And we're gonna take you up to your room.

- So just sit back and relax. - Relax?

We left the game with the Jets on the five-yard line

four minutes to go and you want me to relax?

[clanking]

What the heck was that?

Well, either the elevator jammed or the building sank.

We're trapped!

Trapped like rats in a sinking ship.

Just like, uh, Shelley Winters in the "Poseidon Adventure."

Oh, quick, let's crawl towards the propeller.

If we crawl towards the propeller

we'll be able to feel the sun in our face.

Arnold Horshack, listen to me. Listen to me.

We will be happy!

What's the matter?

I got to think.

Are you thinking?

I have a hard time thinking straight in small places.

Or big places.

Or cold places.

Or hot places.

Or high places.

Oh, orderly.

Yes, don't... Please, just relax now.

Look, everybody, calm down.

I'm gonna push the alarm button

and we'll be outta here in no time.

[alarm ringing]

- Orderly? - Yes?

- He's coming. - I know he's coming.

He's coming to fix the elevator.

No, not the elevator repairman.

The baby.

What?

I'm gonna have a baby.

I know you're gonna have a baby.

Congratulations.

- That's nice. - He's coming right now.

Oh, oh!

- Wait a minute. - Wait, wait!

[all clamoring]

Vinnie. Vinnie. She can't, she can't have no baby here, man.

We-we don't got... We-we got no hot water.

I wonder what my daddy would say at a time like this.

Help me!

Excuse me. Help me!

There's a teenager in trouble here.

No, that-that don't sound like my daddy.

[in southern accent] Help me!

Help me!

There is a teenager in trouble here.

That sounds like my daddy.

Oh, my.

Oh, Sidney, what are we gonna do?

Myrna, why can't you have your babies

like ordinary normal people?

Why do you always put me in a predicament like this?

Sure, always think of yourself.

You never think of me, do you?

Sweetheart, if I never thought of you

would you be in this condition?

Alright, alright. Everybody, quiet!

- Quiet, everybody! - Oh, will you stop it?

I'm the one in charge here. I'm the medical person.

[groaning]

I can't look. Is it born yet?

No, it's not born yet.

Look, I'm gonna call Nurse Bonney.

We'll be out of here in no time.

[Myrna] Oh, we'd better be

because that's exactly what we got.

No time.

Nurse Bonney, listen, w-we're in the elevator now

a-and we're in a terrible fix

a-and w-we're gonna have a baby and every...

It's Vinnie Barbarino.

No, I-I must have got the wrong number.

No, I-I would like to take rumba lessons

but not at this moment.

[dialing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

No, Barbarino, I do not give rumba lessons.

I know you're stuck.

The repairman's on his way up to the roof.

She's giving birth now?

Oh, now you j-just calm that poor woman down

and tell her not to cry.

Alright, then tell Arnold Horshack not to cry.

Listen, now, stay on the phone

because I'm gonna put a doctor on

because you just may have to deliver this baby.

[chuckles] Okay, fine.

Look, miss...

- Mrs. - Mrs.

Look, uh, we... we're gonna have to have a baby together

and I think we should introduce ourselves.

My name's Vinnie Barbarino.

- Myrna Fishbein. - Hello, Arnold Horshack.

Many happy returns of the day, I'm sure.

And this is my husband, Sidney.

- Oh, Sidney! - Hey.

[all clamoring]

[groaning]

Is it born yet?

Sport, let me ask you something.

Have you had much experience in delivery?

Yeah, I delivered dry cleaning.

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm an old hand at this.

Ha, ha, ha. Oh, ohh, ohh.

Uh, I-I'm gonna get the doctor on the phone.

No problem, no problem.

We've done this many times before.

Seven times, to be exact, huh, Myrna?

Sidney, I'm trying to relax.

Don't remind me that I've already got seven children.

Ah, come on, Myrna, they're all great kids

and this isn't the worst place you ever gave birth.

Take our fourth kid.

He was born in Shea Stadium, on the 50-yard line.

So we call him Broadway Joe.

Broadway Joe Fishbein?

Yeah, it's very original.

Mm-hm.

Ooh, he's a great athlete that kid

but not as good as his brother Muhammad.

- Muhammad Fishbein? - Yeah. Born ringside.

The Ali-Norton fight.

So an elevator, big deal.

What are you gonna name this kid, Otis?

Wecan handle it, huh, Myrna?

All this talk about how tough it is to have a baby

is just a lot of malarkey.

Easy for you to say.

When the going gets rough, you take off.

Sidney thinks a man's place during childbirth

is with his bartender.

[mumbling]

Guy's gonna have a hard time

getting out of this one, huh, Sid?

[groans]

[moans]

What? What's going on here?

Quick thinking, huh, Sid?

The pride of the Yankees just went down for the count.

Alright, the doctor says that you got to take deep breaths

in order to feel better. Ready?

[all breathing heavily]

Ohh!

I got to see what he says.

Doctor, listen, I got to ask you a question.

Look, now, if it's a boy

do I got to take care of religious stuff?

No? Oh, good, good.

Hey, come on, doc, look.

I'm in the medical profession, you know.

Oh, no, okay, fine.

Okay. Oh, he wants to talk to you.

Come here.

Hey, lemme give you a hand. Sit down, lay down.

Take it easy. Take a load off your feet.

- There you go. - It's okay.

Hello, doctor?

Uh, yeah, the contractions are about a minute apart.

N-no, the other births were all normal, no complications.

Oh, hello, Nurse Bonney.

Yes, we have medical insurance.

My Social Security number?

Is that necessary right now?

521-460...

[groaning]

[all clamoring]

Come on, now hang in there. I'm with you.

[phone ringing]

Maternity elevator.

Uh, Vinnie, it's for you.

Hang on to my calls.

Barbarino, Barbar... Barbarino!

What's happening?

[baby crying on phone]

[Bonney] Okay, clear the way, everybody.

Out of the way, come on, clear the way.

Here we go. Barbarino, you get out of the way.

- I'll take care of this. - Hey, I can help you with it.

Go away.

Hey, you're welcome!

Oh, thank you. Thank you, but r-really it was nothing.

Nothing, really.

What's that, Mr. Cronkite?

Oh, you want to give me the key to the city?

Oh, thank you.

That's beautiful.

But i-it was really nothing.

It was, you know, just the average day

in an average orderly's life.

You know, the elevator gets stuck

you deliver a-a baby.

I was ignored.

Oh, Barbara Walters, really, no

I'd love to go to dinner with you

but I just can't.

I-I... Really, I got more important things

to do right now.

Like tile hygiene.

[Arnold] Vinnie! Oh, Vinnie!

Vinnie, oh, wait 'til you see him.

He's all pink and healthy and ready to face the world

like a brave little soldier.

Oh, that's good, the baby's okay?

I don't know. I'm talking about Mr. Fishbein.

Hey, Vinnie, let me tell you something.

If I was you, I'd get out of town right away.

I just got a look at that kid.

The kid's all red, wrinkled and distorted.

Yeah, it kinda looks like a little Mr. Woodman, you know?

You know, come to think of it

Mr. Woodman looks like a little Mr. Woodman.

Yeah, come on, let's go and see the baby again.

[Arnold] Oh, yeah, I love babies.

Hey, Vinnie, check it out, bro.

The doctor said that the kid is perfect.

He said he couldn't have done a better job himself.

- You did good. - You were great.

We're all proud of you, Vinnie.

Yeah, well, thanks, Mr. Cronkite, but it's just

an average day in average orderly's life.

Walter Cronkite?

Hey, Vinnie, you been sniffing Mop and Glo again?

No, it's just that, you know, I try real hard to do something

to impress Nurse Bonney and I get ignored, you know?

Hey, look, nobody's ignoring you.

Look, just give 'em a chance and they're gonna...

Look, here comes Mr. Fishbein now.

Stand back and reap your reward.

What a wonderful day.

A wonderful day!

- What'd I tell ya? - The Jets won.

Seventeen to 14, pulled it out at the last minute.

Oh, listen, I want to thank you

for everything you've done, everything.

And to show our appreciation

we want to name the baby after you.

So what's your name again?

Vinnie. Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie.

Vinnie Fishbein.

- You play baseball? - Yeah.

- What position? - I used to play right field.

Great. In your honor, we're gonna name the kid Reggie.

Reggie Fishbein.

Don't that have a ring to it?

Reggie Fishbein.

See that? I delivered a guy's baby

and he names him after a candy bar.

Nothing ever changes.

Hey, Vinnie.

Things do change, man. Don't worry about it, man.

That's not important. That don't matter.

You know what matters?

What matters is the way Nurse Bonney's

gonna be treating you from now on.

Check it out, man. She'll worship the ground you mop on.

[chuckles]

- Barbarino? - Yeah?

I want you to stop entertaining these delinquents.

I've got work for you to do.

Out, out!

I was leaving anyway, baby.

I want you to take the mop and the pail

and put them in the closet.

Because you're working in emergency.

You're kidding?

Well, Barbarino, if I'd known you were gonna do that

I'd have given you this assignment sooner.

Ah...

What a rewarding experience, you know?

Bringing a new life into the world.

Who are you kidding, Arnold?

Mrs. Fishbein brought a life into the world.

We were more worried about bringing you back to life.

[laughing]

That's not true, Beauregahhhg.

Come on, come on, Arnold, you were turning

all kinds of colors, huh?

I mean, for a while there you looked

like the jolly green midwife.

[laughs] That's right, Arnold, man.

Your eyes, your eyes were so bugged out that

that it took two of us to help you blink.

[laughing]

Well, listen to you.

You helped deliver one baby and you think you know

Mr. Stork personally.

I could do it again, man, just give...

[all clamoring]

Hey, guys, we got the baby cleaned up.

We can look at it through the window.

[Freddie] Alright, let's go check out the baby.

Right on.

Hey, um, look, why don't we, um, walk up?

- It'd be good for the exercise. - Yeah.

Sure, sure, it's only nine floors.

Yeah, we'll take the scenic route.

Yeah, I-I'll make sure you don't get lost.

So?

Is this your first baby?

There's really nothing to it.

I have found in my experience

that if you, if you do heavy breathing

breathe in and out, it's much better.

You want to try it. In with the good air.

Out with the bad air.

In with... That's it.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there somethin' that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome... ♪♪