Original subtitles

[knock on door]

Uh, Vinnie. Vinnie, you better get the door.

Oh, yeah, the door.

Look, you stay here and you cover up the rips on my couch.

Oh, hi, Juan. Goodnight.

Vinnie, who is he? Don't make him stand in the doorway.

Yeah, o-of course not.

Go stand down the street!

Now, look, I hate to have to bother you like this, Vinnie.

But it is a matter of life and death. Excuse me.

I'll bring him right back.

Uh, Vinnie, do you remember when we was kids

and you was trapped underneath your bicycle

and I pulled you out?

No.

Okay, forget that one.

Uh, do you remember that gangland murder

that we saw over at Pasquale's, huh?

Thirty-two bullet holes.

[laughing]

And we thought the blood was spaghetti sauce, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I held up the cops and let you run away.

Why? Because we like you.

Because you're my friend, you're my buddy.

Yeah, well, I don't need a buddy now, I need her.

Hey, look, Vinnie. I'm callin' in all my favors right now.

The way I figure it you owe me one big one.

Okay, okay, fine. Just make it quick.

I'm talkin' marriage, Vinnie.

Look, Juan, I think you're very cute

but you're too old for me.

Not me, my cousin Angelina.

Oh, come on, now, you're gettin' a little crazy

with your favors now here, Jaun,

Alright, alright, I didn't wanna have to do this

but I guess I'm gonna have to call in the big favor.

Remember last year, the Giovanni twins, huh?

Oh, don't you bring that up now.

That's right, we couldn't split 'em up.

You wanted to be alone with Josephine

so who took the other one off your hands?

- Alright, alright, you did. - That's right, I did.

You got a chance to go up to the balcony

and make out with Josephina.

I got a chance to go to the docks

and shoot rats with Dominique.

Okay, I owe you a twin, but I don't owe you a life.

- I ain't marryin' nobody. - Come on!

Vinnie, look, relax.

It's all gonna be over within three days.

You see, Angelina's from Guatemala.

She gets her citizenship, you get a divorce

bing-bang-a-bong, favor's completed. What do you say?

Why don't you get Horshack?

Come on, gosh, she's scared enough as it is, huh?

Now, look, Vinnie, this ain't just for me.

It's for my poor Uncle Sanchez. Okay?

He said he'd die a happy man if only his daughter Angelina

would become an American citizen.

Vinnie, he's 96 years old.

I mean, don't you wanna see the guy

die with a smile on his face?

- I must be crazy. - Alright, Vinnie.

You wait right over here. I'll bring her right up.

Wha... She's here?

Epstein delivers, guy.

- Now, go on, get rid of Sally. - How?

I don't know. I can't do everything.

I gotta take care of the marriage ceremony

I have to take care of the reception...

Look, doll baby, I-I gotta ask you to leave.

I gotta do a favor for a friend. You understand?

- Okay. Yeah. - You understand, don't you?

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay, I'll call you later.

- Okay, uh, soon? - Yeah.

Uh, as soon as I get the divorce.

What?

I'm-I'm gonna see a man about a horse.

Vinnie, meet your new bride.

- Buenas noches. - Yeah, buenas tacos.

Ah, television, television! Ah!

[speaking in foreign language]

- Don't she speak English? - Uh, not a blessed word.

Uh, she's only been here one day.

Hasn't left that box since she got here.

My name is Little Orphan Annie.

My curls are auburn

and my dog is Sandy.

[barking]

[laughing]

And you thought she was gonna be dull.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Hey, Vinnie, what're you doin' here?

I've been lookin' all over the place for you.

School's the last place I figured you'd be.

Yeah, well, look, I couldn't sleep last night.

I kept on dreamin' about Angelina.

Well, beauty does run in the Epstein family.

Yeah, well, it's runnin' downhill. I woke up screamin'.

I can't marry your cousin, Juan.

You know what she did to me last night?

She took the pretzels, and she licked the salt off the pretzels

and put 'em back in the bag.

Look, guy, you ain't backin' out now. We made a deal.

And with us a deal's a deal.

Besides, I already got the wedding ring right over here.

- Take a look. - Ooh, that's nice.

A Girl Scout ring.

Yeah, yeah. She thinks you're rich, you know.

Workin' in a hospital, doctors, money, all that.

Yeah, no wonder she asked me if I'd get her teeth done at cost.

Hey, look, guy, Angelina just needs a little bridgework

you know.

They just got jarred loose in the truck on the way up here.

Now, look, I've been thinkin' about the wedding.

And how about Freddie Washington as the best man?

Juan! Nobody's gotta know about this. This is our little secret.

- Not even the guys? - Especially not even the guys.

- Oh, here they come. Shh! - Shh!

- I can't believe she said that. - Mornin', Juan, Vinnie.

- Mornin'. Mornin'. - Good mornin', fellas.

Well, I guess it's-it's time for me to get these books

down to the library.

What for? The place is full of them.

[laughing]

Well, these-these books are 10 weeks overdue.

Perhaps I should learn how to read faster.

Juan, shh!

Yeah, Vinnie seems a trifle bit nervous today.

Come on, guy, he ain't nervous. He's as steady as I am.

Butterfingers.

Hey, you dropped your ring.

Come on, come on, gimme that. Hey!

[laughs] Nice merchandise. Check it out.

Ohhh!

My sister gets a ring just like this

if she graduates from the Brownies.

Pardon me, Arnold Horshack. Will you, excuse me please.

Hey, Juan, Juan, Juan, uh...

You got somethin' goin' with a Girl Scout?

It ain't mine, it's Vinnie Barbarino's.

Vinnie and a Girl Scout?

And he don't even like cookies.

First, it's nurses, and now it's Girl Scouts.

Well, he's turned into a regular uniform freak.

Yeah, man, pretty soon meter maids

won't be safe on the street.

[laughing]

Come on, come on, knock it off. This is Vinnie's wedding ring.

- Oh, get out! - Ho-ho-ho!

You ain't gonna go to the weddin'

'cause Vinnie didn't want you to go anyway.

Do you mean to say those wedding bells

are breaking up that old gang of mine?

Guys, don't say anything to Vinnie, okay?

'Cause he's gonna deny it, just don't

say anything that I told ya.

Little Juan, my lips are sealed.

What's the big secret anyway?

Look, Vinnie's been going out with Sally for a long time.

Oh, no, no, it ain't Sally. It's this girl from outta town.

Way outta town.

Like an out of town manicurist...

...in town on a cuticle convention.

What're you, some kinda joker?

Lemme tell you somethin', Arnold Horshack.

If word gets out around school that Vinnie's marryin'

a manicurist, I'm gonna shove your cuticles

all the way up to your armpits.

And that goes for everyone of ya.

And he's just the guy to do it, too. Mm-hmm.

Mr. Woodman, you wanted to see me?

Sit down, Barbarino.

Sit down, Vinnie.

What's all this about about, uh, you getting married?

- What? - Sit down, Vinnie.

- It's all over school. - You're kiddin'!

- I'm gonna kill Epstein. - Sit down, Barbarino.

Sit down.

I don't approve of high school marriages.

They all end up in a sewer.

That's right, Vinnie, both parties get hurt

especially the girl.

Nobody ever cuts in on her at the school dance.

Not easy on the boy either.

He has to dance all night with his wife.

But, uh, on second thought...

...I think he should get married.

- What! - You heard me, Julie.

Barbarino's an exception to the rule.

He's played the field long enough.

He's had enough fun. Let him get married.

He's a baby. He could be ruining his whole life.

So? He's dated every girl in Brooklyn.

He's been behind more billboards than a motorcycle cop.

It's time he settled down.

I am telling you that he is too young to get married.

He lives on stale pizza

he doesn't have two socks that match.

He is not ready.

- I'm telling you he is! - He isn't!

- He is! - He isn't!

- He is! - I'm so confused.

Here you go. Here's your root beer.

Look, w-why don't you take Miss Universe home

so I can save some root beer?

No, no, no, Vinnie, come on, we gotta make

the final arrangements for the wedding here.

Yeah, well, you tell her I ain't rentin' a tuxedo.

I'm wearin' a red T-shirt.

Alright, uh...

[speaking in foreign language]

Yeah, yeah, roja.

Uh, look, uh, what about the reception?

No, no, uh, no reception.

Vinnie, guy, come over here.

Come over here, and sit down right over here.

Now you look into my cousin Angelina's eyes

and you tell her no reception.

No reception.

Ha! Come on, come on!

Alright, alright, we'll get some cheap sangria

some bean dip, but no guacamole.

[speaking in foreign language]

Sangria, y,uh, bean dip.

- Perono guacamole. - No, no, no!

Hey, go easy on me here. I'm just interpolatin' here.

[speaking in foreign language]

Sure, sure.

She says she wants a wedding like her sister's.

Twenty-two hot dishes, no substitutes.

She's gettin' bean dip!

She wants you to use the bean dip money to hire a band.

- A band? - That's right, a band.

Forget it, the wedding's off.

Uh...

[speaking in foreign language]

- No orquesta? - No.

[speaking in foreign language]

[chuckles]

Alright, Vinnie, here's the bottom line.

Nine hot dishes and one marimba player.

N-now where am I gonna get a marimba player?

Oh, it's okay, it's okay

Angelina met one in my apartment.

- Come on, Vinnie, open up! - Yeah.

Let's get this bachelor party happenin'.

It's your last night of freedom, bachelor number one.

Just a minute, guys. I-I gotta put somethin' away.

Come on with me, Angelina.

Come on, we'll go get root beer and pretzels.

- And everything nice. - Root beer?

[Juan] Hey!

Lock her in here and keep her face out of my refrigerator.

I'm comin', guys.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - How're you doin'?

- Hey, Vinnie, how're you doin'? - Good.

Hey, uh, Vinnie, man, we thought we'd start the night off

with, you know, a little bit of... light poker, you know.

The winner gets to... kiss the bride.

I wanted to get a girl come out of a cake.

I couldn't even get a girl to come out of her house.

Oh!

No salt.

You're gonna break a lotta hearts, Vinnie.

Especially Dolores.

She just had your name tattooed on her chest.

Yeah, right out of the aircraft carrier.

Look, guys, I-I'm really gettin' tired.

You know, I got a big weddin' day tomorrow

and, uh, I really think it's time for you guys to scat.

Savin' up the old strength for tomorrow night, huh?

Yeah, but tonight we gonna drink, eat, and get crazy.

Freddie, don't! Don't-don't go in there.

Don't go in there. There ain't nothin' in there. No.

There's no root beer. There's no food for you or nothin'.

So, we'll do somethin' wild with Cool Whip.

- Ah! - Don't.

Vinnie, I'm very proud of you.

But would you do me one little favor?

Would you name your first one little Arnold?

Oh, come off it. I ain't havin' no babies with her.

That's very wise, Vincent.

Get that high school diploma first.

I told you not to go in there.

I wish I had listened.

Hey, um, ahem...

...your bride-to-be?

That's a lotta woman.

Hey, come on. Get that little filly out here, Vinnie.

Oh, no, come on, you're gonna see the little filly tomorrow.

Right after she finishes a bucket of Cool Whip.

Cool... Juan, get her outta my fridge!

[Angelina] Juan!

Come on, Freddie, spill the jalapenos.

- What's she really like? - Well, ahem...

Let's just say, she goes well with the apartment.

Guys, I want you to meet my cousin Angelina.

- Angelina, mis amigos. - Hola.

What's happenin'?

Come on now, explain it all. Go on.

Alright, alright. Guys, pull up a sofa.

The facts of this case are thus.

She's illegal, he ain't.

She needs a husband, he owes me a favor.

She gets a citizenship, he gets a divorce.

She goes to confession.

Case dismissed.

Isn't that illegal?

Hey, guy, who's ever gonna know?

You know, I think it's beautiful

that she wants to become a citizen.

Hey, you know, me too.

Hey, congratulations, Angelina.

I think it's pretty hip what you doin'.

You know, y-you're gettin' hooked up to a-a real good guy.

El Vinnie...

...hombre muy bueno.

Vinnie bueno?Hmm.

[speaking in foreign language]

What's she sayin'? She always keeps sayin' that.

Just some silly little fantasy she happens to have.

She says she wishes you were shorter

chubbier, had a mustache, and played guitar.

What's wrong with the way I am?

Hey, guy, can she help it if she has a thing for Freddy Fender?

[gasps] Freddy Fender, si!

[speaking in foreign language]

Alright, look, Epstein said that

that Angelina wouldn't even do this

until the marimba player came.

Well, I have nothing against marimba players, of course

but I do have another wedding to go to at 7:30.

I'm sure they'll be here in a minute.

Oh, there he is, look...

Oh, Sally, am I glad to see you!

D-do you got an extra marimba player on you?

No, but Juan told me everything

and I think what you're doin' is very noble.

Ain't it wild?

Look, I even got a Girl Scout ring, too.

Yeah, look at this. I put a prescription on it.

It says, "Toros de Bazlon."

- That's so romantic. - Yeah, ain't it?

I got it off one of 'em bullfight posters.

Oh!

Uh, excuse me, uh, really...

Really, we-we must get started.

Yes, I know, uh, look, you just keep an eye on Sally

'cause I date with her after the weddin'.

I'll get-I'll get Angelina.

[Angelina] No, Juan, no!

[speaking in foreign language]

Ay,chihuahua!

[screaming]

Uh, what's wrong now?

N-nothin', she just wants to wait out in the hall

for the, for the, for the marimba player.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Is that the bride? - I would think so.

It's a beautiful dress.

[sighs] Nice gloves.

[shouting in foreign language]

Roberto's here, he brought his marimba with him

so let's get this thing rollin'.

A-alright, everybody, uh, uh...

Friends of the groom on this side please.

- Yeah, alright. Yeah. - Okay, alright.

Gee, just look at this place. It looks so festive, you know?

Too bad they don't have a wedding photographer.

Well, obviously Vinnie don't want no evidence.

Alright, Mr. Music, if you please.

[marimba music]

♪ Hava nagila hava ♪

♪ Nagila ve-nismeha Hava ♪♪

Alright, come on, cut it out. Wrong side of the family here.

Alright, try this one.

♪ Ta da ta da ♪♪

[marimba music]

Beautiful.

♪♪

- Oh! - Ooh!

Everybody...

...may I present Angelina Maria Conchette Madria--

We don't got time for her whole name.

He's got a weddin' at 7:30.

"Dearly beloved--"

[sobbing]

[clears throat] "Dearly beloved--"

[all sobbing]

"We are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony--"

Un momento! Un momento!

Juan...

[speaking in foreign language]

Come on!

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, great, great. Now she tells me.

Will you tell her to shut up and get back to the weddin'?

Hey, Vinnie, it doesn't look like

she's gonna be your old lady.

Doesn't look like she wants to be.

What, well you mean she's not happy still?

Look, you got your wedding, you got your reception

you got you-your ring. You even got your marimba player.

Vinnie, that's the problem.

She's in love with Roberto the marimba player.

Says he looks like Freddy Fender.

[speaking in foreign language]

Lo siento.

Hey, um, Vinnie...

...you've been dumped.

Hey, gang, what say

we save all of the rice and eat it for dinner?

I don't understand, what're you guys talkin'--

Vinnie, listen to me.

Don't you understand Spanish?

She ain't in love with you. She don't wanna marry you.

She's in love with Roberto the marimba player.

I love you!

You're the best thing that's happened to me.

- I'll never forget ya. - Gracias,Vinnie.

Not you, him.

Yeah, you too. Come here.

Well, Vinnie, how'd it feel to almost get married?

Ain't so bad I imagine.

- Thank you. - I might get married one day.

If I can-I can find a lady marimba player.

With a mustache.

Well, you two can joke, but, uh...

...I know how it feels to be left at the altar.

No kiddin'.

That's right.

I was only 19.

She was 22, a barnstorming aviatrix.

Finished third in the Powder Puff Derby.

Loved to watch her pour it all on the turns.

We were to be married in midair, but it never happened.

What went wrong?

Well, one day, they...

...they found her goggles...

...her leather jacket, and her white scarf

scattered in a corn field.

Ran off with a field hand.

I'll never go near Iowa again.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪♪