Original subtitles

♪ It's gonna be a lonely Christmas ♪

♪ I'm telling you baby lonely Christmas ♪♪

Alright, you look very good, b-but what you

what you need is a snow job.

There you go.

[sighs] Alright, now what you need is a top.

We can let you go around being topless.

There you go.

[knock on door]

- Hey. - Hey, Juan.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year ♪

♪ And many more ♪♪

Come on in. Check out the tree.

- Ooh! - Look at this.

Oh, wow, Vinnie got a present under there, man.

There's a present under there. Is that for me?

Oh, that's nice, man. Hey, Horshack.

Remind me to have my chauffeur come and pick that up

in the mornin', alright?

"To my very closest friend

"in the whole wide, wide world, Vinnie.

From Vinnie."

Nothin' wrong with that. I can buy myself a good gift.

I work hard in the hospital. I deserve it.

Since you know what it is, why wait till Christmas?

- Open it. - Oh, yeah, open it, open it.

- Let's see what you got. - Open it, open it.

Alright, be patient.

[Freddie] Oh, yeah.

- Wow. - Ooh-hoo-hoo!

- Wow! - I love the material. Oh!

Oh, Vinnie.

Vinnie, you always pick such perfect gifts.

Why don't you try it on? Go ahead.

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, Vinnie.

Oh, Vinnie. It-it looks just great.

You, you look as good as a mannequin in a window.

Be sure to send yourself a thank you note.

One hundred and eighteen bucks? Must be real camel hair.

No, it's pure virgin camel hair.

I don't know, Vinnie. I mean, how can you be sure?

I mean, you know how camels lie.

Look at this. Check this out.

- It's got hand-sewn interior. - Wow, look at them.

And they give you these little extra buttons

in case you lose one.

And right here it says dry clean only.

What's so great about dry clean only?

Because dry cleaners, they got that rack

where you push the button and the coat comes to you.

Vincent, I only hope that that coat brings you

better luck than it brought the camel.

Well, look, I'm gonna take this for a walk. I gotta break it in.

It's the best gift I ever bought myself.

Even better than the electric train that made real smoke?

Oh, you was crazy about that.

That was last year. This year I'm grown up.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Mr. Woodman, I cannot teach the Sweathogs.

- I'm not a certified teacher. - Julie, it's an emergency.

The regular substitute called in sick.

But I don't know how to teach a class.

Forget teaching, think riot control.

There's mace in the bottom drawer.

If that doesn't work, set off the overhead sprinklers.

I feel like a one-woman SWAT team.

Mr. Woodman, what are you doin' hangin' out here?

Checkin' for screams.

- You're late, Barbarino. - I know.

Doris didn't finish my homework on time.

But don't worry about it, I bawled her out.

Barbarino, take off that coat.

I'm sure the owner's lookin' for it.

Hey, wait a second, I bought this from my hard-earned money.

Look at this, I got a tag with a name and address and everything.

I don't believe it.

I'm a high school principal. I can't afford a coat like that.

Yeah, but even if you could afford it

Marty's wouldn't have your right size.

They don't take odd sizes.

Vinnie, what's wrong with your body?

Nothin'. I'm doin' modelin' window-like.

Vinnie. Shh.

The class is trying to study, okay?

Oh, in that case, I'll come back later.

[all] Shh!

Vinnie, just sit down in your seat and be very quiet, okay?

- Okay, be quiet. - Be quiet.

Shh.

What are you doin'?

Sorry.

But I always blow my eraser crumbs to my right.

Yeah, if you wasn't so stupid and make mistakes

you wouldn't blow eraser crumbs to your right.

So shoot me, I'm only human. I make mistakes, you know.

Well, the first mistake that you made

was thinkin' that you're human.

- Oh, yeah? - Shh!

Come on, switch seats with me.

I wanna sit in a no crumb section.

[all] Shh!

I can't study! I can't study!

Juan, sit down and be quiet.

Alright. I'm better now.

- Freddie, switch seats with me. - What for, Vinnie?

Because I don't want you blowing eraser crumbs on me.

I don't blow crumbs.

Come on, switch with me, anyway. I don't trust you.

Oh, Vinnie, alright.

What'd you do that for?

Oh, I can't help it. I always brush it to the left.

Oh, w-wait a minute.

What do you do? Do you blow or do you brush?

Neither.

I flick.

[all clamoring]

That's enough!

Stop!

Sit down!

Vinnie, you go sit by the window.

- Yeah, sit by the window! - Yeah, Vinnie.

Why don't you go sit by the window?

Gladly, so you guys can erase yourselves to death.

Mrs. Kotter, it's gettin' hot in here.

I wanna open the window a crack, okay?

Alright, Vinnie, open it and then sit down!

[Vinnie] Alright.

- Hey! Oh! Hey! - This is crazy!

- Tell him, Mrs. Kotter. - Sit down!

[Arnold] Sit down!

Okay. Who wants to read their composition--

Oh, oh! I do, I do. Oh, oh! Me, please!

I got the spirit of Christmas right here

in my composition, Mrs. Kotter.

"Christmas time at the Epsteins

"is a time for sisters and brothers.

"For relatives and eating and drinking

"and drinking and eating...

"...with everybody thinkin' the same thing.

I gotta get to the bathroom next."

May I ask, uh, when did your tenement get bathrooms?

Juan, your, uh...

...your speech had, had the Christmas feel...

...uh, without being too sentimental.

Well, frankly speaking, it left me cold.

- And so does that window. - Yeah, close the window.

It's stayin' open!

It's good for the, for the, for the nap.

It keeps it perky and firm.

Vinnie, would you, please, just close the window

and then take your coat off?

Yeah, ah!

Julie, are you alright? Do you need the police yet?

Mrs. Kotter, is it my turn now?

- Mine, Horshack. - No!

[chuckles]

"No two snowflakes are alike.

No two people are the same--"

Arnold, that was very, very nice.

I've written a little poem entitled

"Christmas In Brooklyn."

- Alright. - Alright, alright.

"I know why Santa flies from roof to roof to roof

"deliverin' toys and goodies with never a single goof.

"'Cause if he had to walk the streets like us

they'd grab his bag and push him under a bus."

Excuse me. "No two snowflakes are alike.

No two people--"

Hey, Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman.

Check it out, check it out, man. I got a poem, man.

Everybody's gonna dig my poem, man.

Check it out.

♪ Santa Claus' reindeers ran too fast ♪

♪ And they dumped him in the snow ♪

♪ I couldn't understand a word he said ♪

♪ But it wasn't ho ho ho ♪♪

Right-o!

"No...

"...two snowflakes are alike.

No two people are the same--"

[alarm blaring]

Alright! Back up! Fire!

[all clamoring]

Now, now, calm down! Calm down. It's just, just a drill.

If that were a real fire, you'd smell smoke.

[sniffs] To show you how safe it is, I'm leavin' first.

Last man has to listen to Horshack.

- Fire! Fire! Fire! - Ow! Ow!

Wait, hold on a second. Hey, wait a second.

Let me have my coat. What are you doin'?

Come on...

"No two snowflakes are alike.

No two people are the same."

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Vinnie. - Hey, Vinnie.

- Hey, man, what's happenin'? - Vinnie.

What did they say at the cleaners about your coat?

There ain't no more coat no more.

Oh, no.

They had to put it to sleep?

Well, uh, let me tell you somethin', Vinnie.

I-I think you should've taken it to my uncle's cleaners.

Oh, yeah, his place can get anything out of a coat

including bullet holes.

No, you guys don't understand. It's been ripped off.

- What? - Stolen?

- Somebody stolen your coat? - Yes, somebody stole it.

Two big guys, they was like gorillas.

One guy tripped me and the other guy grabbed the coat.

Big dudes, huh?

Well, don't you worry, big buckaroo.

You still got your electric train.

Yeah, but the smoke don't work no more.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, what's happenin', Mrs. Kotter?

- Hi, Mrs. Kotter. - Hi, guys.

- Mrs. Kotter. - What, Vinnie?

I gotta take off class this afternoon. I gotta find my coat.

You know, I know what you could do, Vinnie.

All you gotta do, all you gotta do is

you gotta find some guy with a filthy overcoat

covered up with a whole bunch of feet prints.

That's not an easy task.

Everyone I know in New York has a coat like that.

Well, we better get started. See ya.

- Let's go. - Hold it. Wait.

[bell rings] Just take your seats, guys.

- Okay. - Alright.

Sit down!

Sit down in them.

There, there is a difference, you know.

Good one, yes.

Yes, okay. Vacation starts at 3:30.

Vinnie, you can look for your coat then.

3:30? I can't wait till then.

By that time, that coat could be in New Jersey at some pawn shop.

I can see it now, hangin' between a saxophone

and a bowie knife.

And some cheap hood comes in and, and buys it

'cause he needs it for some big bank robbery.

And then, then the police come and they arrest him.

They send him up the river, right. Five, six years.

Maybe even electric chair.

You know what that could do to the nap of my coat?

I don't even feel like spaghetti.

I feel like my coat.

No, I shouldn't throw it out. I should give it to the pigeons.

Come on, pigeons, come and get it.

It's Christmas Eve.

Come on, it's the best stuff you're gonna get tonight.

Nah, stupid pigeons.

Stupid pigeons.

They eat all the bread and then you got nothin' left

for the main course.

[knock on door]

Just a minute.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, what's happenin'?

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, guys.

Yeah, Vinnie, you know, we, um, we all felt

kind of bad on you losing your coat

so we thought we'd come by and cheer you up.

Hey, we even chipped in and got you a present.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Oh. - It's from us to you.

Yeah. We wanted to see you smile again, guy.

Yeah, we figured your coat would want it that way.

Why did you go and mention the coat for?

Go ahead, open it up, Vinnie.

- Alright. - Come on, Vinnie, open it.

Oh, yeah. Let's see what we got you.

- Come on. - Nice. Check it out.

Ooh-la-la.

- Oh, guys. - Woo-hoo.

Man, this is what I always wanted.

- Yeah. - What is it?

It's electric can opener, Vinnie. See?

So you can... You put cans this side there.

You could put in cans of corn, cans of peas

and it'd go buzz-buzz-buzz, succotash.

That is... Oh, that is great.

You know, it-it really makes me feel good

that you guys got this 'cause...

Like, sometimes I come home at night

and I, I won't even eat because I gotta open my cans

with a, with a screwdriver and a hammer.

But with this... You-you guys are really great.

- Thanks. - Oh, don't thank us.

- It's alright, Vinnie. - Merry Christmas.

Alright, alright. That's enough of the mushiness.

Now where's the chow?

Oh, there's some hot spaghetti on the tree.

Spaghetti on a tree?

Where do you keep the ornaments? In the refrigerator?

Mm. Where's the meatballs?

He's gonna color them for Easter.

[knock on door]

Can't stay long, Barbarino. I have, uh, three places to go.

Really, man? You got three parties to go to?

I didn't know you were that popular.

I'm not. They don't know I'm comin'.

Here. It's not much, but neither are you.

Vinnie. Vinnie, he got us all the same thing.

What time is yours set to go off?

[Freddie] Vinnie.

Vinnie?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

I think he did. A camel hair ghost.

Aah!

Hey, look, Vincy.

Mr. Woodman's got a coat just like yours.

Was.

Yeah, but his is, uh, real camel hair.

Still got the hump with it.

It's really what I came by to show you, Barbarino.

You looked terrific in that coat today. And so, uh...

Now since you and I are built so much alike

I, uh...

...I went and got myself one.

Yeah, but the, the nap, it ain't as perky as mine was.

Mr. Woodman, um, Vinnie got his coat stolen today.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Sure it was stolen, Barbarino?

Maybe, uh, maybe it saw your apartment and ran away.

[laughs]

Yeah, I'm sure. It was stolen by two big gorillas.

They-they jumped me.

[knock on door]

- The muggers! - What?

- They're the muggers? - Get back.

- Relax, relax, relax, relax. - Alright, alright, alright.

Don't open.

[all clamoring]

- Shh, shh, shh, shh. - We got to protect the door.

- Okay. - Ready? On the count of three.

On the count. Are you ready? One, two, three!

[Freddie] Those are the muggers?

[laughs]

Those, those are the two gorillas?

[laughing]

They don't even scare me.

Yeah, well, they jumped me from behind.

- Now give me this. - I don't want your lousy coat.

Yeah, well, what'd you take it for, anyway?

Why do you care? You gettin' it back, ain't ya?

Yeah, we didn't take nothin' out of the pockets neither.

Yeah, well, there was nothin' in 'em.

We know.

Look, guys, I think you brought that coat back

'cause you're decent punks.

I bet you believe in Santa Claus too.

Hey, when Epstein says you're decent, you're decent.

- You dig it? - Yeah, I dig it.

Now put me down, sheep head.

Punk's probably from Jersey.

We're sorry we stole your coat, mister

but things ain't been too good around our house.

Aww!

Yeah, the old man's out of work

and he ain't been feelin' too good.

And we thought this would put some life back in him.

Aww!

Is he diseased?

Anyway, we couldn't give him something that was stolen.

No, he never taught us that way.

You think you kids are gonna make me feel sorry for you

just because you got some big sob story?

Well, look, I got my problems too.

I mean, sure, I live in a, a beautiful nice apartment.

But it ain't everything, you know.

I mean, what about this?

I mean, how many trees you run into

that are decorated with spaghetti?

Too salty.

I didn't wanna say anything.

You kids are too much. Everything is Christmas, right?

You think that's gonna solve all of your problems, huh?

Big expensive gifts, big presents, right?

All I got this year was a lousy can opener.

You don't think when I was a little kid

I wanted to get my father somethin' good?

Here. Go on, take it and get out of here.

- Hey, thanks, mister. - Merry Christmas.

That settles that, so, uh

why don't we open up our presents

before Vinnie gives them away?

Well, that was the most, uh, touching display

of the Christmas spirit that I have ever seen.

This will be a Christmas that I'll remember

for a long, long time.

Come on, let's open the gifts.

Let's go see what little Arnold got.

[knock on door] What's for me? What's for me?

Barbarino, you nitwit!

You gave those little creeps my coat!

Mm. Now look, Mr. Woodman, you just gotta relax, you know.

Santa ain't gonna forget about you.

Uh, with your luck, he'll probably make you an elf.

That coat was the only Christmas gift I got.

I was gonna wear it to the New Year's Eve party at the automat.

- Here you go. - Oh, you got it!

- Alright. - Ah!

- Hey, Vinnie. - Alright.

Of course, I got it. Now come on, put it on.

When I walk you to the door, take it out with you.

I got things to do, guys.

What do you mean you got things to do?

I gotta fill the stocking.

It's the wrong stocking, Vinnie. Santa don't fill these kind.

No, stupid. I get it filled across the hall.

Merry Christmas.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again? ♪♪