Original subtitles

He didn't make any effort.

But I think what's important is he's gotta stay.

He's gotta go home...

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, would you, uh, take your seats, please?

Thank you.

Uh, everyone.

Uh, before we come to the end of parents' night

I think I'd be remiss if I didn't thank Mrs. Epstein

for bringing the chilli pepper dip.

[all cheering]

Mrs. Lambardo for the mocha java carrot cake.

Delicious.

Yes, and I'd, uh, I'd like to thank Mrs. Delvecchio

for bringing the Rolaids.

[all laughing]

After seeing my report card, my father needed some Rolaids.

Alright, alright. We'd like to thank you all for coming.

We'll see you next month at parents' night.

Drive safely, take care.

- Alright! - Take your seats, please.

Just a second, Kotter. Take your seats, please.

- What? - It's not over yet.

What do you mean it's not over yet?

We have a tradition here at Buchanan.

What would parents' night be without

the Buchanan School Song?

- Oh! - Oh, no.

Enjoyable! We'd all like to sing it.

But we gotta leave right? You guys gotta leave?

Wait, everybody, please.

Where's your spirit, Kotter?

And now, parents, would you join me

in rendering our song, "Oh Buchanan, My Buchanan

Fair Buchanan, Oh Buchanan, My fair."

♪ Hail to thee Buchanan fair ♪

♪ Walls and halls covered with care ♪

♪ Where we read and write and learn ♪

♪ Feasting from all the wisdom's urn ♪

♪ When we part we will leave ♪

♪ Smart ♪

♪ My Buch-a-a-a... ♪

♪ ...nan ♪♪

You see, Kotter, that's how you end

a parents' night with a song ringing in their ears.

I don't know about them, but my ears are still ringing.

Be careful, Kotter. Don't start up with tradition.

What is with you and that terrible song?

- What do you mean? - What I mean?

You use any excuse to sing it.

Assemblies, faculty meetings...

Yesterday, you sung it in the cafeteria

when you fired the cook.

Well, why can't I sing it? I wrote it.

You wrote that? "Oh Buchanan, My Buchanan

His Buchanan, Fair Buchanan."

Every word. Every note.

Wasn't easy, Kotter.

I composed that on a kazoo.

And I'll tell you somethin' else.

There'll be people singing that song

fifty years after you're dead.

I hope so, Mr. Woodman.

I hope they sing it at my funeral.

I hope they sing it anywhere

where I don't have to listen to it.

Halls and walls covered with air--

That's not how it goes.

♪ Hail to thee Buchanan fair... ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Okay, I want you all to know, I'm very happy

with the turnout we had for parent's night.

And, oh, Epstein, your father was really impressed

with your term paper on "The Whiskey Rebellion."

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's his favorite subject.

Freddie, what'd your parents think?

Freddie, what're you doin'?

Hey, come on, Mr. Kotter, you cuttin' off my flow.

Let me see, now.

I need somethin' that's gonna rhyme

with "Buchanan High."

Why?

That's a good try.

Fly, die--

- Squirrel pie. - Stye in your eye.

Captain Bligh, Joanne Laigh.

Alright, alright, come on!

- Let's pass this by. - Oh, oh!

♪ Let's pass this by Buchanan High ♪

Alright, alright, alright!

Sit down!

I don't know what we're doin'

but it's certainly not school work.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.

T-t-this, this is school work.

See, check it out, man.

I'm doin' my rendition of the school song.

- A song that we can dig on. - Yeah, yeah.

Something we can lay back with

not that funeral march of Woodman's.

Hey, Mr. Kotter...

...the only thing musical about Mr. Woodman

is that he's the same size as Paul Williams.

[laughing]

Hey, come on, Mr. Kotter

at least give my song a listen.

- Alright, let me hear it. - Alright, man!

I-I got a cassette over here.

See, we've been workin' on this, me and Epstein and Beau.

We've been workin' this out, man.

You gonna really dig it, man. Check this out.

♪♪

♪ Hail to thee ♪

♪ With a capital 'B' ♪

♪ And a little 'U' ♪

♪ You got you got the 'C' ♪

♪ And 'H' comes next ♪

♪ Yeah that's the text ♪

♪ Grab an 'A' shove in an 'N' ♪

♪ Let's do it again ♪

♪ An 'A' and an 'N' ♪

♪ Now what does that spell ♪

♪ Buchanan ♪♪ Who ♪

♪ Buchanan ♪♪ I say say what ♪

♪ Buchanan the high school ♪

♪ Buchanan ♪♪ What does it spell ♪

♪ Buchanan ♪♪ Yeah ha ha ♪

♪ We love you darlin' ♪♪ What does it spell ♪

♪ We love you baby ♪♪

That song lays there, man.

That's a bummer, brother.

Mr. Woodman, Freddie was just trying to do--

Take five, Kotter.

Hey, uh, Mr. Woodman, uh, don't it move you?

Yes, to tears!

Hey, no, it's great, Mr. Woodman.

You see, Freddie put new lyrics to that old song.

He put some sauce on that old turkey.

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

He made a foot-stomper out of a tail-dragger.

♪ Buchanan baby Buchanan ♪♪

Come on, come on, here, here, here.

See, Mr. Woodman, man, it's nice now. I mean...

See, now, now, you can hustle to the song

or you can bump or you can do the jerk to it.

No offense.

Knock it off, you feebs!

I didn't write "Oh Buchanan, My Buchanan

Fair Buchanan, Oh Buchanan, My fair"

to be recorded by Gladys Knight

and the Bee Gees.

He's getting better, it used to be Gladys Knight

and the Sons of the Pioneers.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, uh...

I-I didn't know you wrote that, the school song.

And, and I-I wasn't trying to be disrespectful.

It's just that, that I, that I...

I think we need a new one, right?

Yeah, yeah, your song was okay when they sang with megaphones.

♪ Ho-ho dio do ♪♪

Whoo!

Songs from that time don't need improvement.

You don't see anybody changing

"Flat foot floogie with a floy floy."

Mr. Woodman, I-I didn't write those lyrics to put you down.

I didn't... I mean, I really felt them.

You know, I-I...

I just wanna do something for the school.

Try graduating.

Mr. Woodman?

Mr. Woodman, I think you should give Freddie's lyrics a chance.

I mean, it's obvious the class likes him.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm amazed at you, Kotter.

What're you doin', chucking all the traditions?

I mean, this high school only has two.

My school song

and throwing the smallest freshman

against the electric fence.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman.

Look, w-won't you at least...

...think about changin'?

Well...

Maybe, next year we'll, uh

try throwin' a sophomore.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Gabe, dinner's ready!

Shh! Just got the girls to sleep.

How'd you get them to sleep so fast?

Easy, I put on "Return To Gilligan's Island."

What kinda salad dressing is this?

Ranch-style Russian.

- "Ranch style Russian?" - Mm-hm.

Put it on salad or barbequed yak?

[knocking on door] Very cute. Why don't you get the door?

I'll get it.

Listen, uh, why don't you use the salad dressing

and unclog the drain?

"Ranch-style Russian." I'm coming!

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter, I know this is your

dinner hour but this just can't wait.

I got something important to tell you.

I don't wanna interrupt you from eatin'.

You sit down here. This can't wait, man.

- Go ahead, eat, go ahead. - Alright, alright, alright.

- What's so important? - Go ahead and eat your food.

I don't want you to miss out eatin'.

Well, what's so important, Freddie?

I need a lawyer.

What do you need a lawyer for, Freddie?

- Are you in some kinda trouble? - No, Mr. Kotter.

Sit down, I don't want you to interrupt your meal, alright?

See, it's just that...

I got this contract right here, man.

J. Bubba-Hampton wants to record my school song!

Who's Hampton J. Bubba?

Not Hampton J. Bubba.

J. Bubba-Hampton!

Honey, you know who that is.

J. Bubba, you know all his hits, um...

"Hoopin' And Jerkin' And Jumpin'" um...

"Crocodile Mustard"

"Smoke In The Wrong End."

"Hot Tub Saturday Night."

Gabe, you know who he is.

He works barefoot and has a snake on each arm.

Oh, yeah, and I suppose he has a mongoose on his guitar.

Oh, no, man, he broke up with the mongoose six months ago.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, you're tryin' to say

that this big recording star wants to record, uh

"Oh Buchanan, My Buchanan, Your Buchanan?"

Yeah, yeah, but except he don't wanna go

with that old prune juice title, man.

Check this out.

Got a new title.

Dig this.

"There ain't no other

like your groovy alma mother."

Whoo-hoo!

Freddie, how'd you ever meet J. Bubba-Hampton, anyway?

You remember my uncle, my Uncle Willie?

The one who sold you that vacuum cleaner?

- Yeah - Well, he got a car wash now.

You know, and, um, Bubba came in there the other day

and we was waxin' his purple Packard.

Does he also buff his snakes?

Now, what happened is that, man, when he came inside

and what not, you know, I just decided that...

...you know, I'll lay my song on him.

He heard it. He flipped!

He says he wants to put my song in his next album!

Great! That is freaky.

That is freaky. I mean, that is really freaky, man.

Uh, listen Ms. Freak City...

Now, there's one thing that you two are forgetting.

You cannot use Woodman's song.

It ain't, it ain't, it ain't his song, Mr. Kotter, it's mine.

No, Freddie, the title and the lyrics are yours

but the music is still Woodman's.

All you did was change the tempo.

I know, but that's what makes it sound great.

That's what makes it a little thing called plagiarism.

And before you sign this, you better get Woodman's okay.

Oh, no, no, no, man. Forget about it, Mr. Kotter.

He's too pig-headed, man.

H-he's not gonna, gonna change one part of that song.

Honey, why don't you talk to Mr. Woodman?

You know, he really likes you.

Remember, you signed that petition with him

to bring back the Johnny Mann singers?

You're really funny tonight, Julie.

You're a regular laugh riot tonight.

Freddie, look, I'll talk to Woodman

but I can't promise anything, okay?

Alright, Mr. Kotter, but hey... Hey, what-what...

What do you think my chances are?

As good as, uh, Dolly Parton drowning.

I don't care, Kotter.

The answer's still no.

I'm not sharing my song with Washington.

"There ain't no other, but your groovy alma mother."

Mr. Woodman, just think of what it would do

for Freddie, emotionally.

What a lift it would give him.

You want to give him a lift? Bus him to Cleveland.

Alright, listen, if you don't care

about Freddie, think about yourself.

Think of all the money you can make from royalties.

Think about all the exploding cigars

you could buy for your next lodge meeting.

Kotter, I didn't write my song for the Top 40 tradition.

That's where it's at.

My song's been number one in this school for 30 years.

Number one? The number one cause of drop-outs.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, check it out!

And here's...

...Freddie.

[imitating guitar music]

Hi, there.

How's this for bread?

Ha-ha!

- Hey, yo, Epstein. - Yeah, yeah?

Here, get yourself a haircut.

And this time, don't go to a pet shop.

Hey, Freddie, where'd you get that outfit?

What'd you do, mug Doc Severinsen?

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter, here's that $20

that I borrowed from you, from last semester.

- Alright. Thank you. - Plus a little interest.

Don't take it, Kotter, it's hot.

Probably held up a gas station.

It happens to be an advance

from J. Bubba-Hampton for Freddie's song.

Oh, yeah, a very small advance, I might add.

The rest is coming by way of Brink's Truck.

Hey, yo, uh, Brother Epstein. Bless you.

Yes, Brother Washington.

Here, man, hey, take this and buy yourself

a new shirt and use this one for a doormat.

[chuckles]

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're, you're not taking my song to the bank.

That melody belongs to me.

Hey, you can keep your song, Jack.

It's my lyrics that J. Bubba-Hampton digs.

You dig?

I suppose you're just gonna have to put him to some other tune.

Won't lay down like mine.

How could it? Yours has been laying down for over 30 years.

I think it rolled-over and died.

See man, with all this money

this cash money that I got here

I'mma be needin' myself some tax shelters, you know?

So I was thinking of maybe opening up a combination

three-minute car wash and mortuary.

For 98 cents, we push you

and your car in the east river, ha-ha!

Ah, you feebs are dreamin'.

Oh, man.

You just don't know nothin' about the record business.

How can you say that, Freddie?

Why, this man just bought a new crank for his phonograph.

J. Bubba-Hampton says, man, that my record would sell...

[rattling]

...five million copies minimum.

Son...

...I've been selfish.

If it's Motown Records you won...

...who am I to stand in your way?

But Mr. Woodman, what happened to tradition? What happened to--

Stay out of this, Kotter.

This is between me and my lyricist.

Now, wait a minute. Now, you...

You mean, you willing to sacrifice...

...your music?

Small, uh, p-p-price to pay for...

...for your happiness.

- Skin brother - Right on, partner.

[laughing]

When he saw all this money, he went crazy.

This trick really worked.

Yeah, he hasn't seen so much money

since they took away his paid toilet in Seychelles.

[all laughing]

Hey, y'all, I-I gotta split, man.

I gotta tell J. Bubba that we got ourselves a deal.

- Alright, cool. - Ah, just one second.

Aren't you forgetting that it's my Christmas club money

we put up for this scam?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, man, here you go, sir.

They've already, uh, penalized me for early withdrawal.

Maybe give back my free, uh, Farrah Fawcett calendar.

Hey, yo, I gotta go, man. Yo, come on, let's go.

- Okay. - See you later.

- Can you loan me 20? - Get out of here.

Alright, guys, here's something to nibble on.

Hey, what is this in the dip here?

Looks like shoelaces.

That's low-cal asparagus, Epstein.

They don't knock if the price is right.

Yeah, we wanted Mr. Woodman to go to Freddie's apartment.

You know, to sign the contracts and he chickened out.

Yeah, he was afraid to go into Freddie's neighborhood.

So am I.

I-I only go there to sleep.

Well, why didn't you just meet at Woodman's apartment?

That's real safe, he's got a guard dog.

Yeah, Woodman looks really cute in his choke chain.

[all laughing]

[knocking on door] Oops, I'll get it.

[knocking continues]

Coming!

Hey, Julie... what's shakin'? What's goin' down?

[sighs] Mostly, the buttons on your shirt.

♪ Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Stayin' alive ♪♪

Stayin' alive, huh? Could've fooled me.

Don't tease Mr. Woodman. It's a big night for him.

I bet you're real excited about meeting J. Bubba-Hampton, huh?

I'm not impressed with celebrities.

I met a lot of biggies in my time.

I shared a cab one time with the Andress Sisters.

Even carried their luggage into Grand Central Station.

Nice kids.

Big tippers.

[knocking on door]

Alright. Alright.

Okay, t-that's gotta be J. Bubba-Hampton.

- Alright. - Oh, let me get it.

- Let me, let me, let me-- - Relax, Mr. Woodman.

He probably doesn't have any luggage.

Alright, Brother J. Alright, man, happy you came by.

Hey, J, show me some skin.

Yeah, hubba-hubba.

Hey, J, come on, I want you to meet

the rest of my buddies, alright, okay.

We have a Epstein type over here.

Hey, it's good to meet you. Good to meet you.

And that's Beau DeLaBarre.

- And that's Mrs. Kotter. - Hi.

And that's Mr. Kotter. He's my teacher.

Nice to meet you. Got your snakes in there?

Snakes is just my act.

I don't see you carrying a blackboard.

I have it in my other sweater.

[Freddie] Yeah.

And this man...

This is the man that makes

the whole world sing.

He writes that kinda music.

He wrote the music for the song.

Mr. Woodman.

Hey, Freddie, drop the mister.

We're all gonna be working together.

Just call me Woodie.

Mr. Hampton, why don't you sit down?

You know, my husband and I love your music.

Especially, your last album

"If You're Losing Traction You're Losing Action."

Thank you. You really liked it?

Me? Oh!

Yeah, good stuff, good. Cover was terrific.

I like it with the snakes.

Nice skin tone on the snakes.

Thank you.

- I have the contracts here. - Alright!

Now, all you two have to do is just sign 'em.

Oh, groovy!

Uh, incidentally, my lawyer says

in case they sue, all you have to do

is just claim that it was unintentional.

- What sue? - Sue?

- Sue who? - The Irvine Russell Estate.

What're you talkin' about? Who's Irvine Russell?

Come on, pal, he's the guy who's song you ripped off.

What do you mean "Ripped off?"

I wrote "Oh Buchanan, My Buchanan

Fair Buchanan, Oh Buchanan, My Fair" in 1948.

What did he ever write?

"Oh Beloved, My Beloved, Fair Beloved, Oh Beloved, My Fair."

1938.

Ball's in your court, Mr. Woodman.

But my song's completely original.

I wrote every note myself!

Unfortunately, you put those notes in the same order he did.

Mr. Woodman, you, plagiarist.

Worse than that, he's a crook.

Now, wait a minute, guys.

I don't think Mr. Woodman had any idea.

That's why he stole that song, 'cause he ain't had no idea.

Relax, now, this kinda thing has happened before.

Now, you just might get away with it.

Yeah, you can use the Andress Sisters

for character witnesses.

I don't know, another man's song...

Come on! Come on, Mr. Woodman.

Take a shot, huh?

They never sent a songwriter up to the big house.

Besides, you can always write prison tunes, you know?

Like, "Stripes And Stripes Forever."

I can't do it, Freddie. It's not right, and...

I'm too classy a guy.

Hey, yo, look, Mr. Woodman.

Hey, look, man, um...

Look, I-I know where you're coming from, alright?

And, um...

I couldn't do that either, man.

Well, I guess that's it then.

I guess, I'll just have to find another song for the album.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

I have this wonderful little lullaby

that I sing to the twins every night.

You'll just love it. It puts them right to sleep.

Oh, that's nice, but I make my money

keeping my audience awake.

Maybe some other time.

- Goodnight. - Bye-bye. Goodnight.

- Thanks for coming. - Goodnight, now.

I knew I should have pitched it as a boogie.

I'm sorry about the bread, Freddie.

Ah, man, Mr. Woodman.

The money was only part of it.

After all, I did write the song for the school.

Wait a minute, guys, I have an idea.

Why don't you just have two school songs?

Oh, that's a good idea!

Uh, one Woodman can sing, and one we can enjoy.

No, no, it'll never work.

But, uh, what if we had two school songs?

See, a-at formal school functions

we can sing Mr. Woodman's and we can sing Freddie's

at basketball games and pep rallies.

Terrible idea.

We're all forgetting tradition.

You know, you, you're right, Mr. Woodman.

Absolutely right, we're forgetting tradition.

But I'mma have to be honest and, um...

...tell everybody where your song came from.

Although...

...there's certainly more to life than tradition.

♪ Hail to thee capital 'B' ♪

♪ Buchanan ♪

♪ I gotta see ♪

♪ Buchanan Buchanan ♪♪

Okay, that about does it.

We'd like to thank you all for coming

to this month's parents' night and, uh...

...drive safely, we'll see you next month.

Hold it, hold it, Kotter.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, no, Mr. Woodman, can't we skip it?

Tradition, Kotter.

Well, if we're gonna be singing any song

we're gonna be singing my song.

Check it out.

This ain't no formal affair.

Anytime guacamole is served

it's a formal affair.

Listen, Mr. Woodman, if you wanna end

the evening on a high note, why not give these people

what they came to hear anyway, okay?

My Uncle Seymour.

My Uncle Seymour always wanted to be a great composer.

So he was a little weird anyway.

So, he thought he was gonna dig up Shubert's grave

to find the unfinished symphony, right?

So, he started to...

...dig up Shubert's grave and, uh...

...he opened the coffin and, uh...

...Shubert said "Leave me alone, I'm decomposing."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think ♪

♪ How you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need... ♪♪