Original subtitles

Hey, Mrs. Kotter.

Do you think Mr. Kotter will be home tonight?

I mean, I know he's flying in from Buffalo.

Arnold, it's not that simple.

He's gotta come by way of Montreal.

Wh-what's in Montreal?

His luggage.

Well, come on, Mrs. Kotter, I'm serious. I need help.

Well, Arnold, is it something that I can help you with?

Well, see...

I got this friend on death row

who's gonna be executed tomorrow

and I don't know what to do.

What will you do?

I would call Charles Bronson.

If he's not available, I would call Clint Eastwood.

Come on, Mrs. Kotter, I'm serious.

Arnold, who do you know on death row?

It's not a who?

It's a biology frog.

He's gonna be chloroformed and dissected tomorrow.

Who's being chloroformed and dissected?

One of the Sweat hogs, I hope?

Mr. Woodman, if you don't mind

Arnold has a problem and I'm trying to help him with it.

Well, never mind Arnold's problem.

I have a bigger problem.

Someone tipped over the bloodmobile

in the parking lot, now, get your pad.

I wanna question everybody.

Mr. Woodman, I-I would rather stay here and help Arnold.

Forget Horshack, this is more important!

This school is losing a lot of blood!

Hurry up, get your pad.

And a pail.

Well, come on, let's go! Let's go!

Arnold, I'm...

Don't worry, Mrs. Kotter.

I'll do what I have to do.

[croaking]

[croaking]

- Freddie, you cover the door. - Alright.

Juan, you get those frogs over here

as fast as your little legs can carry it.

And, Juan, when you take 'em out

don't take 'em out by the feet.

Frogs is very ticklish.

I think this frog napping idea

is the dumbest idea you ever had.

Oh, come on, don't you get it?

When Ms. Garland comes into class tomorrow and finds out

that there are no frogs for dissection

she's gonna burst her pantyhose.

[laughing]

Come on, somebody is coming! Somebody is coming!

[squealing]

Ralph, you're in charge.

- Arnold. - Y-a-a-h!

I was just looking at the little amoebas here.

[chuckling]

They're so cute.

And they make friends so easy.

Especially the tall ones.

Arnold, I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave.

You know students aren't allowed in the lab

without proper supervision.

Oh, please, Ms. Garland, please.

Let me stay just a little while longer so I can, uh...

...feed the snails, you know.

Well, alright.

As long as you don't feed them to the turtles.

[laughing]

Bye.

Okay, you guys, let's get these frogs to my house.

Arnold, what's your mother gonna say when you show up

with 14 frogs?

Oh, wow, man. I know what my daddy would say.

Put 'em in the soup.

Hey, hey, wait a second now.

If them frogs ain't gonna be here tomorrow

I better write them a note, huh?

Uh, let's see here, "Dear, Ms. Garland

"Please excuse us frogs.

"Ah...

We got a man in our throat."

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[frogs croaking]

Hey, Arnold.

Now, look, we helped you rip those frogs off

but you said you was gonna keep 'em at home.

Well, maybe they ain't house broken, Freddie.

I had to bring 'em back.

My mother couldn't stand the way

they was belching and burping all night long.

I think I put too much horseradish in their tacos.

Now, look, Arnold, if somebody finds them frogs

in your locker, we all get busted.

You should've hid 'em someplace else.

I did hid 'em someplace else.

I put 'em in the laundry hamper

until my mother opened it up

and three pairs of my shorts jumped into her arms.

Horshack, Ms. Garland wants those frogs back.

All 14 of them.

Well, who says Arnold Horshack took 'em?

I do. He was the last one in the lab before they went missing.

Yeah, well, just 'cause he was the last one in there

Mr. Woodman, didn't mean that, uh, he did it.

Now, looky here, Mr. Woodman.

If you wanna find these frogs

what you gotta do is

you gotta think like a frog, see?

And then what you gotta do is you gotta look like a frog.

Oh! Oh, that's perfect. That's perfect.

[croaking]

Knock it off, Epstein.

[frogs croaking]

Oh, yeah, tha-tha-that was, that was good, Juan.

He's really good, he's talented.

He's um... You see, what he was just doing was, um...

...um, the bull frogs mating call.

Check it out! Ha-ha!

Uh, I think the mate is answering

from one of these lockers.

Whose locker is this?

Oh, that's mine but...

You ain't gonna find no frogs in there.

My life!

[frogs croaking]

Nothing in this world is gonna make me open up this locker.

Nothing.

Not threats. Not knives.

Not bamboo shoots under my finger nails.

- Nothing! - Please, Arnold.

Mr. Woodman.

I never thought you would stoop

to using good manners.

[bell dinging]

[frogs croaking]

Get these back to biology. Now.

Biology is the other way.

Arnold, sit down.

[giggling]

Son...

I know why you stole those frogs.

It's not that you're a bad boy, it's fear.

You know today is dissection day, it's a big day for fear.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, I am not afraid.

I went through the same thing myself on dissection day.

I couldn't look that frog in the eye.

My hands were like this.

But I did the only thing I could.

You ran.

You screamed, you cried, you fainted.

I never cry.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, if you didn't wanna do that

you shouldn't have gone through with it.

Arnold, when your teacher says, "Get it over with

or I'll tear you apart in the alley."

- He said that to you? - No, to my frog!

Suddenly, these golden hands steadied.

Yeah, well, these golden hands

are staying right in my pocket.

No. They're gonna come through.

Just as mine did. Brilliantly.

It's just, uh...

I can't kill anything.

[bell dinging]

Sure, you can, my boy. Now go pick up that knife.

I'm sure you're frog would want it that way.

Which brings us to the subject

of man's inhumanity to frogs

in the 18th century.

The Boston Tea Party.

Where your forefathers and your forefa...

...dumped 20,000 pounds of tea into Boston Harbor.

For three weeks, those poor frogs

were swimming around in cold tea.

Yeah, without no sugar or lemon.

I never realized that frogs was the first ones

to take the Nestea plunge.

[all laughing]

Think if you will, what the world would be like

if we did not have frogs.

You wouldn't have any warts.

Try getting a wart

from a chipmunk.

It cannot be done.

Of course, you all know that you don't get warts from frogs.

Hey, check it out, Ms. Garland.

I mean, don't forget now, don't forget.

Without frogs, I mean...

...some of the best fairy tales, they'd be gone.

A princess has gotta kiss a frog

to turn him into a prince.

Of course, the frog has gotta take her out

for a couple of drinks first.

Maybe some dinner, little bit of boogie.

Alright, that's enough.

Come on, come on, come on.

Forget your fairy tales.

Just imagine going outside and sayin'

Hey, everybody. Wanna play some leap?

Alright, boys, that is enough. Now get back to your seats.

Now, it's not going to work, Arnold.

In the time we have left

I suggest you start dissecting.

I'm waiting, Arnold.

- I'm not going to do it. - I beg your pardon?

The only thing that I'm gonna do with this frog

is leave him right where he is.

Arnold Horshack, if you walk out of this class

you will have Mr. Woodman to deal with.

I don't care.

That frog is a living thing

and you can't make me kill it.

Once it's dead, nobody can bring it back to life again.

Not you, not me.

Not Mr. Woodman.

I think this is a stupid experiment.

[frogs croaking]

Thank you, Ralph.

Hey, man, I hate this book.

Keep losin' my place.

Ah, that's because you ain't using

the Epstein markin' system.

- What's that? - Well, uh, uh...

Let's say you have to remember page 46, okay.

Turn to page 45. Fold it in half.

Alright.

Turn to page 47.

Fold it in half...

Viola.

Why didn't you just fold 46?

That's good, too.

Hey, check it out, I bet you, I bet you a quarter

Arnold carves up that frog today.

Come on, come on. That's a suckers bet.

I bet you Arnold goes to cut it up and the frog has to give him

mouth-to-mouth regurgitation.

[laughing]

- Hey, what's happening, Arnold? - Hi!

Is the doctor in for surgery today?

No, way.

Hey, Arnold, listen to me.

Runnin' away like you did yesterday

I mean, that ain't no good.

I mean, killing a little frog ain't the end of the world.

It is for the frog.

Come on, come on. What's with you?

You probably stepped on three ants today

and didn't even know it.

That's right, I stepped on three winos today

and they didn't know it.

Hey, Arnold. Arnold.

This biology story is great stuff

for the school newspaper.

Ah, step into my office.

Listen, you got a picture we can run on the front page?

Hey, what are you trying to do? Scare off your readers?

No, no, no, listen.

What I wanna do is, I wanna super impose your head

on the body of a frog.

[laughing]

That's too bad. Mother nature already beat you to it.

[laughing]

Will you guys cut it out? This is very important.

Hey, Epstein, I got another one for you. Check it out.

"Arnold gives you more cluck for your buck."

Will you guys please cut it out? I am not a chicken!

This is my interview now. Come on, Sidney.

You ask me some more questions. Go ahead. Go ahead.

N-n-now what about your parents? How do they feel about all this?

Well, you see, Sidney

my mother really isn't into animals that much.

And they don't like her either.

I once had a snail

that went straight for her throat.

Arnold! Arnold.

Hi, ma, hi. What are you doing here?

I got a call from the principal

who said my son won't cut up a toad.

Ma, it's not a toad. It's a frog.

- Come on. - Ma, ma, that's my ear.

[indistinct arguing]

There you go, Sidney. There go your headline.

"Mother plucks chicken."

[laughing]

Ma, come on, that really hurts, mommy. Come on.

Thanks for coming, Mrs. Horshack.

Oh, it's Mrs. O'Hara now.

But that's another story all together.

- Arnold, sit down. - Yeah.

Mrs. O'Hara, I'm sorry about this inconvenience.

Good.

This is Ms. Ilona Garland, Arnold's biology teacher.

- Oh, of course. - Hello.

The frog lady.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter.

Hi, Mrs. O'Hara.

I've asked Julie to be here

to take a transcript of our little meeting.

Mr. Woodman, do you really think a transcript is necessary?

It's just a conference, it's not a trail.

Oh, I think Mr. Woodman's idea of a transcript

is an excellent one.

Thank you, Ilona.

Oh, don't thank me, Michael, it was your idea.

Well, that's true.

Mrs. O'Hara, as I explained to you on the phone

Arnold refused to dissect a frog.

Refuses and will continue to refuse.

Frankly, Mrs. O'Hara, I was amazed.

Up until yesterday Arnold has been

an excellent biology student.

Why, he even sometimes stays after class

to feed the turtles and the fish.

You know, I once walked in and saw Arnold turning

the treadmills so that the hamsters wouldn't get winded.

Oh...

Oh, listen, he's the same little Dr. Dolittle at home.

Look, ma, they don't care about the animals.

Oh, Arnold, that's not true.

The purpose of dissection is to find out more about them.

It's a very useful tool of science.

Definitely.

Why, dissection has been going on for years and years.

It's paved the way for cures

that have saved people's lives.

Definitely.

Hey, listen, I think all of that is terrific

but who's curing the little animals?

Has anybody found a way to bring them back to life?

Would you care to try another "Definitely?"

Arnold, let me put it to you this way. Do you eat meat?

Oh, listen, you think I'd make pot roast

three times a week if he didn't.

And my brisket's no slouch either.

Usually, I put a little garlic--

Arnold...

Those animals have to be killed before you can eat them.

- Definitely. - Ditto.

Listen, I know all of that but somebody else

is gonna have to do the killing, not Arnold Horshack!

You know something, Arnold? I'm with you.

When I was in high school, I had to kill a frog.

I didn't wanna do it but I did it 'cause I was

too much of a coward to take a stand.

Are you finished?

Mr. Woodman, I just happen to agree with Arnold

that it is within his rights not to kill.

Definitely.

Well, then, Mrs. Kotter

maybe you'll happen to agree

that I am within my rights

to fail him if he doesn't.

I'm not gonna do it, Ms. Garland.

Arnold, you will do it this afternoon

or you will repeat this course.

[bell dinging]

Has anyone seen Arnold Horshack?

Not me.

Personally, I never could see Arnold Horshack.

[all laughing]

Alright, everyone, can we please have some quiet?

I said, can we have quiet!

That's better.

[imitates frog croaking]

Hey, don't look at me. I only do chickens.

I do camels.

Water.

Water.

Get these Arabs off my back.

Hey, that was good, man.

I-I think you got a genius in you.

Alright, everybody, now, that is quite enough.

Enough.

Well...

I'm so glad that we're all here today.

Especially you, Arnold.

Will you kindly step to the dissecting table?

Ms. Garland, could I say something?

No.

Oh, Arnold, you held us up yesterday with your filibuster.

I do not want to hear anything more about the glory of frogs.

But I never said frogs is glorious.

I don't even like frogs.

They're dirty and smelly and ugly. Bleh!

Good, then you won't mind doing your assignment.

Well, I just want everybody to know

that I'm not afraid to carve up a frog.

That's my man, Arnold Horshack.

I'd knew he was gonna come through.

Sit down, Washington.

Believe me, Arnold doesn't need your help. Or yours.

That's right, I don't need anybody's help.

Uh...

I'd like an "F," please.

I know I'll have to repeat this course.

But so will you.

And I can come back

just as long as you can come back.

Even longer, I'm younger.

And every time you say to me "Arnold, kill"

I'm gonna say no.

Excuse me.

Alright.

Washington, you're next.

Tarad! Ha-ha!

Who gets the legs?

Hey, yo, um, Ms. Garland?

I think you better, ah, you better lay

one of those "F's" on me, too.

Make it three.

Anybody else?

Come on.

Well, if we're going to learn dissecting

someone has to do it.

Excuse me, Ms. Garland, couldn't we, ah...

...uh, cut this up instead?

Oh, no, not-not that.

That's personal property, Arnold.

Oh, uh-uh, Arnold. Mr. Woodman gave me that.

Please. No, Arnold. Wait a minute, Arnold.

- No, no. - It's only a little plant.

- Oh, oh, Arnold. - Eee-ya!

What do you mean only a little plant?

This is a climbing Tasmanian

split-leaf arborvitae.

Why, in the South Seas, the natives worship it.

It's their only source of mulch.

Oh, gee, Ms. Garland.

I had no idea you were so into mulch.

Don't make fun of my plant, Arnold.

Remember, today's mulch

is tomorrow's peat moss.

Look, uh, uh, we should be able to find

some sort of compromise here.

Why don't we just cut up something nobody cares about?

Yeah, that's right, Ms. Garland, why don't we cut up something

that-that ain't worth nothing?

Something that's totally useless.

Hey! Alright.

Hey, Arnold!

[clapping]

As duly elected spokesman

please accept our apologies for calling you chicken.

Alright.

Or turkey, huh?

[laughing]

As self-elected spokesman

for Arnold Horshack

I wanna thank you guys for backing me up.

- You got it. - Come on, come on.

- What are friends for? - Hey, so...

Keep the applause going. I still got two more bows left.

You got it.

Aren't, uh, you supposed to be in biology?

Uh, no, we got out early. We had to dissect a flower.

And it wasn't that easy.

Yeah, the bee was still in it.

Hey, yo, uh, Mr. Woodman, um, tell me something, man.

When you was in, uh, biology class, what did you dissect?

- A dinosaur? - Oh, no!

No, but my Uncle Grunt did.

Oh, Mr. Woodman

not you too.

I've got a family, too. My Uncle Grunt was a caveman.

He lived in cave seven upstairs in the back.

And it took him a month to dissect his dinosaur.

But that wasn't the hardest part.

Yeah, what was?

Putting it back in the jar every night.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think ♪

♪ How you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene ♪

♪ You were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪