Original subtitles

[car honking]

"Revival smellin' salts.

To revive, hold two to three inches on the victims nostrils."

Ugh! What a smell.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie.

We never promised you a rose garden.

I'm so glad you guys are here.

I-I, I need your help desperately.

Sally's coming over any minute.

You need our help with a girl?

What's the matter, Vinnie...

...losing your suction?

[laughter]

Hey, come on, guys, quiet down.

Looks like our friend here is having trouble

with his little filly, and as gentlemen

we should extend him every courtesy.

Come on, hound dog, spill the grits.

You know...

...I really like the way you talk, you know?

It's just like watching a rerun of "Hee Haw."

Look, I think this-this, this girl Sally

is getting a little too serious with me.

Last week, I caught her spelling my name in cotton balls.

- Ahh. - That's disgusting.

[Juan] That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

[indistinct chatter]

That's why I gotta break up with her.

But, you know, I know exactly

what breaking up with a girl does.

Well, you know, when they-they break up with me

I mean, it could ruin their life.

Yeah, at least spoil their whole weekend.

No, I ain't kiddin', the-the last time I broke up with a girl

she jumped in the Harlem River.

Oh, come on, Vincent, I saw that girl jump.

Believe me, very few suicides wear a bathing cap.

Alright, come on, Vinnie.

I broke up with a girl once, but, uh, she got over it.

Eventually, she replaced me.

Oh, with what?

A seeing eye dog?

[laughter]

Alright, now listen, guys.

Now, look, if Vinnie thinks this is gonna be devastating

to the young lady, well... well, maybe he's right.

How can we be of help?

I figure, you guys being around, you know, would ease the blow.

There's gonna be tears all over the place.

That's why I got these tissues.

Now, look, Horshack, you-you...

If she starts to cry, you take care of it, right?

It's all in the flick of the wrist.

"All in the flick of the wrist."

All in the wrist. I ain't got no more.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

All in the wrist, all in the wrist.

Oh, a young girl's tears.

This is heartbreakin'.

Yeah, yeah, Vinnie, this whole scene

is very, very heartbreaking to me.

Is there anything I can do for you, little buddy?

You cannot get tears on my shirt.

Now, look.

The worse part of this is she's gonna faint, right?

So you be there to catch her, Beau.

Oh, have no fear, Vinnie.

I will cradle her gently in my arms.

Now, look, you-you take the smelling salts.

Hmm-mmm!

Why, I see they-they found a way of bottling Epstein's locker.

No, no, that's to revive her.

Now, look, when she faints just

just stick it under her nostrils, two to three inches.

And-and, and, Epstein, you-you guard the window, okay?

And don't let her jump, whatever you do.

- Ten-four. - Hey, Vinnie.

I just want you to know, no matter what happens

that your concern for Sally's wellbeing is mighty chivalrous.

Yeah, when, when babies were given chival in heaven

I got an extra scoop.

Oh, yeah, Vinnie got an extra shovel of chival.

[knock at door]

Oh, hi, Vinnie.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Do you think we could be alone for a minute?

Did you hear that?

"Do you think we can be alone for a minute?"

No.

My friends are always with me when I'm alone.

That's nice. I can't stand to be alone.

[sobbing]

Now look, uh, I don't quite know how to tell you this, uh, Sally

but do-do you like to go down to the docks?

Look, Vinnie, I have to talk to you--

I like to go down to the docks.

You know why, 'cause I like to see the ships

go all over the world, right?

Now, why don't you think of yourself as

sort of like a port, right? And I'm a ship.

And I'm gonna go from port to port to port to port to port.

Okay?

[imitates ship horn]

No.

I'm just trying to set the mood.

Look, Vinnie, we have to talk.

I know, and, heh, I'm afraid, sweetheart

this is probably gonna hurt me a little more than it hurts you.

Yeah, I know that and that's why I'm sorry, Vinnie. See...

[car honking]

Oh, just a second, Vinnie.

Oh. Excuse me.

Uh, I'll be right down, baby cakes.

[all] "Baby cakes?"

That-that must be her mother's name.

I'm sorry about this, Vinnie, but we're just

gonna have to stop seeing each other.

See, you were getting too serious.

And I knew that when I saw you spelling out my name

in those cotton balls.

[all exclaiming]

Shh!

And besides, Vinnie, I-I met somebody else and...

Well, I'll be seeing you around though, okay?

Yeah.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

It's a good thing I stopped her from jumping, huh?

Right out of Vinnie's window into the front seat

of baby cakes' Cadillac convertible.

[laughter]

Hey, yo, hey, Juan, um, you can get down from the window now

now that the big crisisis over.

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, pushing all jokes aside.

Come here, man. Come here.

Hey, look, man, it-it ain't no big trip, man, getting dumped

by a pretty girl that's got a nice personality

a gorgeous shape, a terrific smile.

I mean, come on, man, it ain't t-the worst thing in the world.

- It ain't? - No, but it is in the top five.

[laughter]

- I gotta go. - Yeah, yeah, guys, come on.

I think we can get going now.

Now that the big crisisis over.

I mean, Vinnie, you've had a big day, huh?

Isn't this the first time a port ever sailed away from a ship?

[snickering]

Speaking for all of us...

...welcome to dry dock.

It's all in the wrist.

[laughing]

Hey, Vinnie, what happened to the old zip-a-dee-doo?

Yeah, well, it's zip-a-dee-don't now.

Come on, Vinnie, when you were a little boy

and you fell off your bicycle, what did you do?

Well, um, I got Mercurochrome.

My mother, she'd take a little glass stick

and she would put it on a...

Vinnie, yeah, but--

Sometimes, sometimes she'd kiss the boo-boo.

Man, that lady, what a saint.

Too bad I ain't gonna be able to give her no grandchildren.

Uh, Vinnie, I think we've lost the point.

See, you didn't give up riding your bicycle.

You got right back on and you tried again.

Unh-unh! No.

- No? - No.

By the time I get downstairs, they took the wheels.

They... They even took the little bell I had.

Alright, forget the bike. Forget the bike.

What you gotta do is think dates, dates.

Now where's your little black book?

- You ain't seen my black book? - No.

Oh, it's in my safe, I'll show you.

Give me one second.

Alright, what-what do you want?

Volume one, two or three?

Uh, i-it doesn't matter. Volume one.

Yellow pages or white pages?

Just get the book.

[mumbling]

- Here you go. - Alright.

Okay, now listen, come on. We're gonna go find a phone.

One or two phone calls, you're gonna have

women up to your ears.

Yeah, but no taller than that, huh?

Ten phone calls, nine rejections.

I don't understand how that can happen.

[door slams]

Oh, Beau.

I don't even think it's them, I think it's me, I-I...

...I lost my power over women.

Oh, Vinnie.

Vinnie! Vinnie.

[Vinnie] Pound on the door.

Okay.

It happens all the time.

Sometimes in the middle of the night.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Now, now, Vinnie, just 'cause a few women are-are busy

for the next few weeks, it-it doesn't mean that much.

What about-about Jenny, uh, Rooney?

Vinnie, she said she's getting married, Saturday.

Yeah, but I-I asked her out on Friday.

That's just a coincidence.

No, Beau, I'm telling you it's me.

Look at this, look at this. I got a gray hair here.

Vinnie, what's one gray hair?

That means that there's a whole lot of other gray hairs

all squinched up in my head, waiting to pop out.

Ah, Vinnie, you're crazy.

There's nothing inside your head.

Tell me the truth, Beau.

My body, it's gone, huh?

No, it's not.

I should've known the end was near the day my skin cleared up.

Come on, Vinnie, get a grip on yourself.

Now, listen... you're just going through a dry spell, that's all.

Dry spell! This ain't no dry spell.

I lost it, Beau.

I lost my power of women, I-I, I lost my magic.

But, Vinnie, it's not that bad.

[thud]

I'm so depressed.

[indistinct chatter]

Julie, would you take a note to the principal

of Fillmore High School?

We regret the unfortunate incident

after last Friday's football game.

And I assure you, that every effort is being made

to find your coach.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, have you heard from Vinnie?

He hasn't been to school in three days.

No, I haven't heard from him, Arnold

but I know that he hasn't shown up at work either

because the hospital called here.

Oh, that girl.

That girl, that cruel, crazy, impetuous girl.

He was her man, but she done him wrong.

Yeah, yeah, the girl ruined his life.

She went and ripped out his heart.

Yeah, now he ain't got nothin' to hold

when they play the national anthem.

Look, I-I know he's upset.

Well, another contender bites the dust.

It isn't everyone who keeps his allure, his oomph

his rugged magnetism, the way I have.

Where do you keep it, in your sock drawer?

[laughter]

Come one, you guys, let's go. We know what Vinnie needs.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

But he gonna have to settle for us.

Let's split.

Beau, I think all you guys are exaggerating.

Just give Vinnie a few days, he'll get over it.

I wouldn't count on that.

You see, there are three things you don't get over in a hurry.

Losing a woman, eating bad possum or eating good possum.

[knocking continues]

[all] Vinnie, we're all here, open the door!

[banging on door]

- What are you doing? - Come on.

Just a minute. Hold your horses.

[knock at door]

And shut up.

[banging at door]

Alright.

What are you guys doin' in the closet?

Hi, Juan.

I'm Arnold.

Well, I'm Vinnie.

And I'm so very happy to meet you.

Come on in if you want.

Can I get you something?

I made some delicious bread pudding.

- Vinnie, come on. - Oh.

Wanna hear something funny?

I thought you guys were the Salvation Army.

They're coming to get my loveseat.

They said they'd be glad to get it back.

So, so I said, "Okay, fine."

You know, I-I, I can't believe Vinnie's bombed.

[Juan] It's a sad day in Brooklyn, huh?

Hey, come on, Vinnie, you gotta pull yourself together.

Hey, it's all good, man.

Come on, come on. What, you wanna fight?

I'll fight ya. Come on.

Come on, I'll fight any of you. Come on.

Come on, how about you? Come on.

- Vinnie... - Ahh-aah-ah!

Vinnie, come on, big buckaroo.

You sit down, we're gonna cheer you right up.

[Freddie] Come on, man. Get up.

- Ain't you boys nice. - Come on.

- You're so nice. - Come on.

Hi, Vinnie.

Hi, sweetheart.

You know, you look like you're thirsty.

That's enough.

[burps]

♪ Once there was a little old ant ♪

♪ Trying to move a rubber tree plant ♪

♪ Everyone knows an ant can't move rubber tree plants ♪

♪ But he's got ♪

♪ High hopes ♪

♪ He's got high hopes ♪♪

Stop!

Stop!

Now, go on, get out of here.

You little creeps.

I'm gonna talk to this guy.

Hi, little fella.

Alright, look, guys.

We gotta handle him very, very carefully.

The guy's in a very delicate condition.

We should just handle him like we got on kid gloves.

Come over here, you. Come here.

Now, look, look. I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I want you to get out, I want you to go and have a good time.

Come on, go out and meet some girls.

I can't go out without my magic wand.

"Magic wand?"

Come on, Vinnie, come on, you gotta pull yourself together.

Hey, hey, you still have your magic.

And you can go out in public.

Look, Arnold's allowed out in public.

He was born without magic.

Perhaps he should stay inside with me.

Hey, Vinnie... now, look

either you get dressed or we're gonna do it for you.

No!

Ain't there a law against disrobing a minor?

You're not gonna do it.

I need a drink.

[indistinct chatter]

[Arnold] You're not gonna drink anymore!

Vinnie, no!

[all clamoring]

- Give it to me. - Vinnie!

A and W Root Beer.

Well, that's all they had in the store.

Hey, buddy, you can't get drunk on this stuff.

- No? - No!

No kiddin', really?

Isn't that a really-really beautiful picture?

He made fools out of us.

[all clamoring]

[Arnold] Come on, Vinnie, this is just what the doctor ordered.

A place of laughter, gaiety, eskimo pies.

[chuckling]

I can't stay in here, th-there's girls in here.

Come on, Vinnie. Cut it out.

Of course there's girls in here.

It is an equal opportunity clip joint.

It's hard to believe this is the same guy

who used to spend all his spare time on double dates.

Oh, I know it.

Hey, Vinnie, you order what you want, man.

The drinks, they on us.

So shoot for the works.

You can have anything up to 35 cents including tip.

I'll have a warm cocoa, thank you.

Now, come on, Vinnie, we're only trying to cheer you up.

Yeah, you know how you could cheer me up?

- How? - Let me go home.

- Oh, come on. - Sit down, sit down.

Sure, go on home.

Watch the mole grow on your dimple.

Hey, Vinnie, how are ya?

Long time no see, Vinnie.

Where have you been hiding yourself?

I, I ain't been hiding.

Eh, watch it.

I don't get no chocolate chips in my hair.

Come on, Marianne.

Come on, Vinnie, you're only making matters worse

by chasing ladies away.

[Freddie] What's the matter with you?

You don't think I knew that you guys set that up?

I don't need your pity.

Hey, Vinnie, nobody set that up.

Look, I'm not blind. I know my magic is gone.

So just... You know, you guys are just makin' it worse.

Oh, Vinnie, I'm glad you're here.

Well, that makes one of us.

Have you got a minute?

No, I'm too busy going from party to party to party.

No, Vinnie, I'd really like to talk to you.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna talk to you, baby.

Now, Vinnie, maybe you should

listen to what little Sally has to say.

I heard what she has to say.

"I'll be right down, baby cakes."

Hey, Vinnie

why don't you come on down here, little buddy

so you and I can have a couple of syllables?

You know something, Vinnie?

When you and I got problems, we listen to each other, right?

- Yeah! - We sit down, we talk it out.

So why don't you talk it out with this girl?

'Cause if you don't, it's just gonna keep on bothering you

and bothering you.

You like her, don't you?

Yeah!

So it ain't gonna cost nothin' to talk it out.

Now go on, scram.

Look, I'm gonna talk to you only because my good friend here

Epstein wants me to talk to you.

So, uh, make it fast.

'Cause you don't baby cakes to wear out his horn.

Look, Vinnie, what I did was wrong, and-and the way I did it

was rotten, and I'm sorry.

- It don't matter. - Well, it matters to me.

And you matter to me.

Vinnie, you've always been honest and open

and you always made me feel like I was important.

Well, I don't know how to describe it.

Magic.

Yeah, maybe that's it. Magic.

Anyway, I... I'd like to see you again if you wanna see me.

Well, uh, miss sweetheart, baby cakes...

...remember the night you came over to talk to me

and I was going to tell you somethin'?

Yeah, what was it?

We're through. It's over.

Okay, did I hurt your feelings?

Good, now we're even.

Come on, I'll treat you to a somethin'.

Alright, how much money you got to spend?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪♪