Original subtitles

♪ There's no business like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪♪

Hold it, Epstein. Hold it.

Where are you goin' with that projector?

- Nowhere. - What do you mean nowhere?

You're obviously going somewhere.

Where are you going?

Nowhere, I'm there.

If you had asked me out there, I would have said here.

But I'm not there, I'm here. So, I ain't goin' nowhere.

♪ There's no business like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪♪

I'm willing to start again. Good morning, Epstein.

What are you doing with that projector?

Mornin', Mr. Woodman.

I'm in charge of visual aids here, and I'm just, uh

settin' up this projector to show a motion picture.

Why, Epstein, why didn't you tell me that before?

You didn't ask me before.

I hate days that begin like this. They only get worse.

♪ There's no business like show business ♪♪

Epstein, I've been, uh, lookin' all over for you.

It just got worse.

Carvelli.

Hey, Murray, I think we're about to be harassed by the principal.

Hey, Mr. Woodman. I didn't do nothin'.

I'm clean.

He says, he's clean.

Yeah, go ahead, search me.

He said, go ahead and search him.

I wouldn't touch your body. How do I know where it's been?

Well, in that case, uh... I gotta go, see ya later.

- Yeah, see ya later. - Come on, Murray.

I thought you wanted to see Epstein.

Epstein, is he here?

I'm going back to my office

I'm gonna think about what you said.

And if any of it makes any sense

I'm gonna have myself committed.

Well, well, well. Juan Epstein, the original Mr. Movies.

Come on, come on, I'm busy. What can I do ya out of, Carvelli?

You doin' your little job, right Juan?

He said, you're doin' your job, right Juan?

Hey, uh, what kind of job are you doin' anyway?

I'm in charge of visual aids, why?

'Cause, uh, that's exactly what we need...

...is a little, uh, visual aid.

You don't need no visual aid, Carvelli.

- You need mental aid. - Oh, yeah.

Murray.

Juan, I'm talkin' genuine

adults only, triple-x rated

Technicolor, hardcore, motion picture.

What?

He said, we got a hot flick.

You guys are crazy, you didn't bring

an x-rated movie here to school.

Come on, come on, you're lying to me.

Hey, if I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

And the proof is-is right here.

So look, why don't you just set up the projector.

We can have a little look at it, what do you say?

- Hey there. - What's good y'all?

Goodie, we're gonna see movies.

What did I do?

You never, ever touch another man's property.

It's like, it's like an unwritten law.

See, if a man has a skin flick and he wants you to see it

he'll say, "Here, look at my skin flick."

And then you look at it.

Y'all sayin' that y'all got a x-rated movie?

Yeah... but look, we can't look at it until Juan

sets it up on the projector.

An x-rated movie?

C'mon, c'mon, you guys.

I can't show an x-rated movie here in the class.

Oh.

An x-rated movie!

Where the really show the x's?

- Hey Juan, Juan, Juan. - Yeah?

I know you can't show that film in class, but, um...

What about the projector in the school auditorium?

Hey, we could use that projector there to show that film, huh?

That's right. In the school store, baby!

Yeah!

Oh, no.

No, no.

The school store is open all day

except during lunch, no. Mm-mm.

- Horshack. - Hm?

- Horshack, you're a genius. - Why?

School store at lunch hour.

Ooh yeah, oh yeah.

Oh, no.

No, no.

The lunch hour is for eating your food in the cafeteria.

It is not a time to enjoy yourselves, no.

- Yo, um, yo, Carvelli. - What?

Carvelli, let me ask you somethin'.

- What if we get caught? - We're not gonna get caught.

Look, it's my film, I'll take the heat, alright?

It's my tail. Don't worry about it, you guys

You guys are nothin' but-but innocent bystanders.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Porn flicks for lunch!

Porn flicks for lunch!

- Porn flicks for lunch. - What was that?

Uh, uh, I said cornflakes for lunch.

You know, um, cornflakes, man.

You know, cornflake's delicious, mmm, good!

Oh, I just love cornflakes for lunch.

It's my favorite, mm-mm good!

I tell ya. Mm.

Just keeps getting worse.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Mr. Woodman, you wanted to see me?

Oh, uh, Julie.

We got a big problem.

Some fool parents are coming in here right now

with some fool complaint.

And how did that get to be my problem?

Wasn't it your idea to show a sex education

film to the senior class?

And weren't you the one who selected the film?

Yes, I was.

Well, I told these people that.

Did you also tell these people that

all this was done with your approval?

That's none of their business.

Now, these people are very upset by this program, Julie.

You can use your, uh, womanly charms to settle 'em down.

But, Mr. Woodman, this whole program was set up

with the approval of the board of education.

If these people are against sex that's their problem.

Let them complain to mother nature.

It's sex education in the schools they're against

and that's your problem.

And they may have a point.

This film seems a little unnecessary.

I mean, I never had any sex education.

Look how I turned out.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

I'd better talk to these people as soon as possible.

Good. There's no reason why

that stuff can't be taught in the home.

Is that where you learned it?

Well, of course.

When I was 16, my, uh, father took me aside.

And he said, "son."

He called me that.

"I bet you're gonna hear a lot of talk about the things

men and women do together when they're alone."

He said, "Don't you believe any of it."

I've always tried to live by that.

[knock on door]

Oh, hello folks, you're here already.

This is Mrs. Kotter, she'll answer any questions you have.

This program is entirely in her hands.

You see, mine are clean.

Goodbye.

- How nice that you could-- - Now, let's not waste time.

Miss Kotter. Now, I'm Mrs. Zugler.

This is Mr. Finch, and Mrs. Jones.

Now, we're concerned about the sex education in the schools

and we'd like to get it out of our school system right now.

Oh, well, I can understand your concern, but our program--

Stinks.

That wasn't exactly the word I was going for.

Uh, why don't you all sit down her.

Now listen, we are really here because we are very concerned

about this program that you're initiating.

Well, Mr. Finch, I can understand your concern.

But if you were more familiar with our program

I think you might feel differently.

For instance, the film that we're showing today

we're gonna show to some of our freshman.

Oh no, you're not.

We send our kids here to get an education

not to watch disgusting sex movies.

Disgusting may be a little strong, Mrs. Zugler.

Thank you. We are trying to show our children

that sex is not disgusting.

I've been married for 27 years.

Don't tell me what's disgusting.

Look, we don't tell our children that they have to drive cars

but they're going to do it.

So we offer them driver's education.

So they can go to drive-in movies and fool around.

Isn't there a chance that programs like yours

give our children ideas?

Wouldn't they get along fine if you just left them alone?

They don't get along fine.

Do you people have any idea about the teenage pregnancy

rate in this country? Or the teenage VD rate?

Alright, if you're gonna talk dirty, I'm leavin'.

Mrs. Kotter is simply trying to discuss the issue.

Alright, Miss Kotter, but if you try showin' this sex movie

to our children, we're gonna come down on you hard.

Mrs. Zugler, please.

We're concerned parents, but we're not unreasonable.

Now, I don't think that we should judge the film

without seeing it first.

- I agree. - Thank you.

Mrs. Zugler, would you please sit down?

This is a simple animated movie

depicting the biological facts of life.

You know, birds, flowers, butterflies.

That sort of thing.

But, how do we know that?

Okay, I tell you what

I will show you the film, and I'll stand there with you

I'll explain the film to you, just the way

I would explain it to our students.

Then, if you still find it objectionable, we'll cancel it.

[all] That seems fair. That seems fair.

Okay, okay, we'll look at your movie.

But I don't want you there, because I don't want you

standin' over me, tellin' me something's clean

when I know it's dirty. And if it's dirty...

If it's dirty, you're in for trouble.

Well, I'm not worried about that, Mrs. Zugler.

You see, I happen to like the kids in this school.

And I wouldn't show them anything that

I wouldn't show my own mother.

Now, I'll have one of the students run the projector.

Now, wait a minute, I can run the projector, alright?

I mean, we don't want any of the children involved in this.

Okay, fine, the projector is set up in room eleven.

You can just start it, it's up at the top of the stairs.

- Okay, thank you. - You're welcome.

You know Juan, before you start the movie

uh, I gotta go get some popcorn.

I can't watch a movie without hot, buttered popcorn.

Hey, Arnold, just get an ear of corn

because this film is so hot

the corn will pop itself!

Yeah, he said the corn'll pop itself.

Alright, alright, quiet on the set.

Quiet on the set.

Lights!

Camera!

Action!

Hey Juan, turn it on.

Right.

Action!

♪♪

What is that?

What is that! Oh, ho-ho-ho!

He don't know, you don't know what that is!

Haha. It's a flower.

No it ain't, it's a... it's, uh...

That's right Horshack, it's a... flower?

Oh.

Here comes a hummingbird.

Hey, Carvelli.

What is that hummingbird doing?

- This ain't it! - What?

Oh, here comes a butterfly.

Whaddaya mean, whaddaya mean this ain't it?

This is the film you gave me.

No way, man, this is not the film.

He say, uh-uh.

Here comes Mr. Bumblebee.

Wait-wait-wait a minute, man.

If this is not your flick--

It must be Mrs. Kotter's flick.

Yeah, well I wanna know where's my flick?

Shh, Mrs. Kotter probably got your flick.

In the other projector!

- Disgusting. - Oh!

Most disgusting film I've ever seen...

Filth, this is filth! Heads are gonna roll for this!

I've never been so offended in my life!

There is a possibility we may be too late.

This day keeps getting worse and worse.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

When those people see that film,

this day'll get better and better.

This piece of filth is all the evidence we need.

I have to go along with Mrs. Zugler

this is nothing but pure filth.

And you are nothing but an irresponsible trollop.

Now, just a minute. Just a minute.

I will remind you that we are ladies and gentlemen

and we should behave with dignity and decorum.

And as for you, you sawed-off little twerp.

You are going to jail.

You're gonna ruin my career and put me in jail

for something this trollop did?

Mr. Woodman, please, how can you say a thing like that?

I'm sorry, Julie, I...

...I don't understand what's going on here.

Well, I'll tell you what's going on here.

You're showing pornography to innocent schoolchildren.

We just looked at this so-called sex education film

and it's nothing but trash.

May I see this film, please?

Don't give it to him, it's evidence.

That's alright, we have three

witnesses who've seen this vile film.

I saw that film myself, I cannot believe that this is happening.

I cannot believe this is happenin'.

I can't believe this is happening, either.

We'll be back tomorrow morning.

And if either one of you is still workin' here,

we gon' blow the whistle.

Take your hands off me.

Mr. Woodman, I just cannot understand those people

getting so upset about a little film called

"The passionate plumber?!"

Mr. Woodman, this is not our film!

What are we gonna do?

With time off for good behavior, I'd say about ten years.

Mrs. Kotter, is it true Mr. Woodman may get canned?

Both of us.

And not may, will.

What if you said it wasn't your fault, huh?

What if you said somebody switched the movies, huh?

What do you guys know about this?

Oh, uh...

Hey, that's-that's a long, sad story.

Indeed.

It's a veritable comedy of errors.

Make me laugh.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter. Now, speakin' for the tongue-tied trio

here's how they explained it to me.

You see, Carvelli brought this certain film to school.

And he didn't have it, Murray did.

But Murray just carried it for Carvelli

and Horshack picked it up.

However, you know, the film that Horshack picked up

it wasn't Carvelli's.

But Carvelli grabbed it and gave it to Murray.

So the film Epstein put in the projector

wasn't yours, it was Carvelli's.

And the one that Carvelli took from Horshack and gave

to Murray, that was yours.

Are you followin' me?

No.

Well, anyway, now-now, when Washington said--

Uh, thank you very much F. Lee De Labarre.

Uh, will you take your place back with the other guys?

Thank you, thank you.

I would like to talk to the parties involved.

Juan.

Okay, okay, Carvelli brought this film into school.

"The Passionate Plumber".

The very one.

- So, when I decided that well-- - Wait, wait, wait.

Who put that film in my projector?

I did, but you gotta understand the circumstances.

That's enough. Um, guys, if you don't mind

I'd like to talk to Juan alone.

It's okay.

Deal with it.

Juan, just say you didn't know what you were doin', you know?

That covers about 95 percent of what you do, anyway.

Hey, thanks a lot guys, huh?

C'mon, I'll face the music.

Juan!

Oh, yeah... Juan, that's me.

You know, sometimes I get myself mixed up with the other guys.

Okay Juan, if you put that film in that projector

I want you to go to the parents and tell them.

Oh, no-no-no. I can't do that.

I mean, I can't tell 'em the truth.

I'm gonna get expelled.

My mother's gonna find out.

Socially, I'll be ruined.

I'd be the laughin' stock of the ghetto.

Juan, we're talking about responsibility, here.

You were responsible for that film

and we are responsible for you.

Couldn't you tell them the Butler did it?

No, I'm sorry, I can't.

Okay Juan, don't worry. I won't fink on you.

The parents want blood, I'll just give 'em mine.

C'mon, c'mon, that ain't fair, now.

- It wasn't your fault. - Yes it was, Juan.

You see, I made one very big mistake.

What was that?

I trusted you.

Look, it's unfortunate that this had to happen.

But, it was all a misunderstanding

and it was my fault.

Mr. Woodman had nothing to do with it.

Now, just a minute, Miss Kotter.

No, let her finish.

I started the program, I selected the film

I should be the one to suffer the consequences.

Well, I appreciate that, Julie, but, uh...

I can't let you do it.

I authorized this program and I'm responsible for it.

Isn't this quant?

First, she says she's responsible.

Then, he says he's responsible.

Who's gonna take the blame next, the school mascot?

I did it.

I set up the projector, I put the film in it.

So, go on, go on, send me up to the big house, alright?

Hey, hey, hey, come on, take it easy.

One bad movie a day is enough.

You dear, dear people.

You saw the wrong film.

This is the film that you were supposed to see.

Do you expect us to believe that the whole thing was a mistake?

Can you get these children out of the room?

Oh.

That's the first time anybody called us children.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I-I'd like to hear what they have to say.

Well, why, we know what we saw.

Well, that's true, but I've been thinking.

I mean, they're intelligent people.

Why would they suggest that we see a film

that was sure to insult us?

Hey, hey, Shakespeare, read my lips, huh?

I told ya. I set up the wrong film.

Okay, that's enough.

Look, I appreciate you boys tryin' to take the blame

but Juan was just following my orders.

I gave him the film to put in the projector.

What are ya talkin' about?

Why Mrs. Kotter?

To prove a point.

To show you the difference between

sex education and pornography.

Too many of our kids get their sexual knowledge

from films like you saw yesterday. Think about it.

Is that how you want your kids to learn the facts of life?

Yeah, yeah.

No.

That's what we're trying to stop.

That's right, then we should try and stop it together.

Instead of trying to stop responsible sex education.

Are you sayin' that your sex education class

will keep our kids out of these filthy movies?

No. We can't always control what they see.

But, if the school, the home, the community

and the church all work together

we can arm our kids with the truth

so that movies like this won't mislead them.

I think I'm gettin' the message, Miss Kotter.

Well, I knew you would, once, uh, we came up with the truth.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last favor.

I want you to see the right film.

And then, if you still don't approve

I'll hand in my resignation without another word.

She'll do it, too.

I guarantee it.

Well, personally, Miss Kotter

I want my children to learn about sex at home.

But, I'm beginnin' to see your viewpoint and, if this movie's

what you say it is, I won't oppose it.

Good, okay.

Mr. Epstein, would you bring in the projector, please?

Certainly.

Oh, uh, here's the film, Mrs. Kotter

the birds and the bees movie.

Are you sure you want them to see that butterfly?

Uh, you know, it might be better if the children left the room.

Just in case.

Oh!

Hey, come on Horshack, come on.

You know, you surprised me.

I thought you knew everything about sex.

I do!

But I just wanna see the end of the movie.

I wanna find out if the hummingbird

and the Daisy get married.

Hey, uh, Mrs. Kotter, we'll just show it up

against this wall over here.

Thank you, Mr. Epstein.

Thank you, Mrs. Kotter. Want me to load it up for ya?

No, I think I'd better do it myself, this time.

Here. You do it.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Kotter.

Trust, huh?

That's right, Juan.

[scatting]

Hey, uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh

there's a certain piece of property that's, uh

rightfully mine, and, uh

I think it should be, uh, returned.

He said, fork over the flick!

Yeah, well, your certain piece of property

is in a certain place in the basement.

The incinerator.

Yeah, yeah, your movie was elected to the hall of flame.

Yeah, Carvelli, it sounds like your film's hotter now

than it was before.

Hey, you guys don't understand, that's an expensive film.

Now, I think we should take up a little collection

so I can get my film back. Now, what do you think, huh?

What was that about a film, Carvelli?

Oh, no, I-I didn't say anything about a film, Mrs. Kotter.

I was talkin', Murray! Murray, did I say anything about a film?

Yeah, Carvelli, you were sayin' that you--

'Scuse us, Mrs. Kotter, Mr. Woodman, but, uh

we got a, uh, a choir practice.

- Yeah. - See you later.

About this film business.

Will somebody please explain to me what happened?

Oh, Mr. Woodman, allow me to elucidate.

You see, the female butterfly...

...with her wings all aglow in black and yellow...

C'mon, c'mon, that ain't what he's talkin' about.

No, wait a second. Let him finish.

[indistinct]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ Then what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya... ♪♪