Original subtitles

Julie, hold all my calls.

I want to eat in peace.

Mr. Woodman, you should've let me pick up that sandwich.

You shouldn't be walking on your foot.

Julie, I've been in the school a long time.

I've learned to live with pain.

If you wanted pain, you should've eaten

in the cafeteria.

Why punish my stomach

just because my bunion is killing me?

Besides, I love these submarine sandwiches.

They give you a two-pound sandwich

for 89 cents.

All that for 89 cents?

Well, it's a day old.

Well, don't worry, Mr. Woodman

when you check into the hospital tomorrow

you'll get great food, and it'll be free.

Yeah, but the bed's costing me $90 a day.

Maybe they'll give you day-old sheets.

You're a regular Annie Nightingale.

- Hi, Mrs. Kotter. - Hi, guys.

Mrs. Kott-air, you know, like we all know that, uh, Mr. Woodman's

going into the hospital tomorrow, right?

So, we all chipped in

and we bought him a present.

Aw, that was real sweet of you guys.

Ah, that's the least we could do for him.

Yeah, and that's what we're looking for.

The least we can do for him.

So we was wondering if you could wrap it up for us.

Maybe something in blue and white.

You know, to match his legs.

I don't have anything here to wrap it up with

but I'll improvise.

Why don't you just leave it here

and pick it up? It will call later.

- What'd you get him? - Ah, something special here.

Arnold Horshack picked it out.

There you are, huh? Ha ha ha.

And they're very practical too, Mrs. Kotter.

Mine wear like iron.

Well, Arnold, they are beautiful

but, uh, I don't think Mr. Woodman's

gonna be able to wear 'em, you see

his foot will be bandaged after the operation.

Oh, Mrs. Kott-air, it ain't gonna be no problem.

I'll take care of that in a jiffy.

Hey, guys!

Look at this here.

I got... I got Mr. Woodman a Get Well card.

And I got all his friends to sign it. Look.

I bet that didn't take long.

Yes, it did, it took-took me a long time to go

over the other side of school where they both work.

Vincent, this is not a Get Well card

this is an Easter card.

They was out of Get Well cards.

Besides, I like the little bunny.

Oh, yes.

You know, that probably is the right card.

'Cause by the time he get out of Vinnie's hospital

it will be Easter.

[laughing]

You know, Vinnie, I hope you're gonna keep an eye

on Mr. Woodman while he's in the hospital.

[Vinnie] Oh, well, this ain't do what I did last week.

Nurse Bonney, she asked me to, to shave this guy

for abdominal surgery.

Aah!

Maybe she wanted him to look nice

for the operation.

No, Arnold, they shave people

where they're going to operate on 'em.

I didn't know where the abdomen was.

So, I shaved his whole body.

I bet he was sore.

Well, he wasn't sore until after

I put the after-shave lotion.

That's enough, Vinnie.

Vinnie, if you had a question

you just should've asked Nurse Bonney.

Oh, no, I wouldn't ask her a question.

She gives me a lecture, not an answer.

But how are you gonna learn anything

if you don't ask?

Yeah, but she specializes in making me feel stupid.

You mean, you need a specialist for that?

[laughing]

Hey, Mr. Woodman, don't you worry about nothin'

'cause tomorrow we're gonna take good care of you in the hospital

and get you the best pediatrician.

That's a baby doctor, Vinnie.

No, this guy's a full-grown man.

Julie, I'm worried.

I don't feel safe in the same hospital

with Barbarino.

Oh, shame on you, Mr. Woodman.

And after the wonderful present they bought you.

Show him, Juan.

I already got a pair like that.

They wear like iron.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

There we are.

Now, see, surgery wasn't that bad was it, Mr. Woodman?

You know what? When you wake up and you see me standing here

you're gonna think that I was the one who did the operation.

You're gonna have a new respect

for Vinnie Barbarino, that's for sure.

New respect for Vinnie Barbarino.

This must be that power suggestion thing.

Vinnie Barbarino is a straight A student.

Vinnie Barbarino is a straight A student.

Hey, it's working.

Vinnie Barbarino is a straight A student.

Vinnie Barbarino is a straight A student.

Barbarino! Snap it up.

Only the patients are allowed to sleep here.

- Yes, ma'am. - Now, pick up these side rails.

You want him to fall off?

Look at you. You are a disgrace to County General.

If you're gonna be working on my floor

you're gonna look like an orderly.

Now, button that shirt.

Tie your shoelaces.

Fix your collar.

Pull up your socks.

- And fix that hair! - I am so confused!

Now, listen to me, and listen carefully.

This is your patient's chart.

Do not, I repeat, do not lose it.

Okay, fine.

Now, take the patient back to his room.

- Right. - And don't forget the chart!

Hang it on your gurney.

Hang it on yourgurney.

What?

I said, "I'm going on a journey."

Oh, she is such a clam, Mr. Woodman.

[speaking Spanish]

No, I'm not, I'm not a doctor.

I'm not a doctor. I'm just an orderly.

[speaking Spanish]

Miss, will you calm down.

This guy's suffering from bunionectomy.

[speaking Spanish]

Just relax, relax. Come on, sit down.

Shh! Shh!

Now, do you speak English?

No. Do you speak Spanish?

No.

Do you speak Italian?

No.

Me neither.

[speaking Spanish]

Ah, what does it sound like? What does it sound like?

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Alright, how many words?

[mimics kissing]

Oh, Weight Watchers, that's...

[indistinct chatter]

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah, you can solve the problems

of the world with good communication.

Where's the gurney?

Hey, did you see my gurney?

Did-did you take my gurney?

You didn't?

How about you? Did you see...

I'm in trouble.

- Hey, yo, Vinnie. - Vinnie!

Vinnie, what's troubling you?

You look like you just saw a ghost.

I think I just made a ghost.

I lost Mr. Woodman's body.

Are you sure he just didn't go for a walk under his bed?

No. I, I'm telling you.

His body was here, and then-and then I lost him.

I'm telling you, if Nurse Bonney finds out

I'm gonna lose my job.

Yeah, man, you might also get a ticket for littering.

Let this be a lesson to you, Vincent.

You should always put things away

when you're through with them.

Alright.

I'm in big trouble.

Come on. Come on.

Vinnie, look, your friends are here, huh?

Alright? We'll help you allocate Mr. Woodman.

Look, do you really wanna help me?

- Sure. - Sure.

Don't help.

Okay. I got enough trouble as it is.

I'm the one who lost him, I'm gonna find him.

Okay, man, we got you covered.

- You do what you got to do. - Yeah. Yeah.

- You think he's right? - Of course, he's right.

This is only a five-story hospital.

Sure. It's only got 700 rooms, that's no problem.

Sure. At most, it'll like take him, what? A couple of weeks?

- That's... - Hey, hey, hey.

Alright. Where do we start looking? What's the plan?

Okay. I got a idea. I got a idea. I know.

Lost and found.

That's great. That's a good idea.

Go there, just be cool

and ask 'em if they found something, uh...

short, gray, and wrinkled.

That'll be good.

And if they don't have Woodman, I'll get Dumbo.

Arnold, what do you think he looked like

when he came down from the operating room?

He was looking the way he always looks.

Oh, we better check the morgue.

Oh, I can't, little one.

I faint at the sight of tile.

Then I'll check the morgue.

And you go over to the coffee shop, alright?

Now, Woodman's probably gonna be

sitting at the table with no tip.

I'll go check the nurse's quarters.

He's not gonna be there. You're wasting your time.

I'll let the nurses be the judge of that.

[baby crying]

[whispering] Mr. Woodman?

Mr. Woodman?

[yelling] Woodman, is that you?

[humming]

[screaming]

Oh, he's not in there.

[singing]

Barbarino, I've been looking for you.

I have work for you to do.

Oh, I got something more important to do right now.

I doubt that you have anything important to do.

Now, go in there and take Mr. Saunders down to X-ray.

Nurse Bonney, I really--

Right now!

- Are you, are you Mr. Saunders? - Yeah.

Good. We got to go down to X-ray.

And I got to do it quick too, 'cause I just lost a patient.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

No, I didn't lose him that way.

I-I misplaced him.

Maybe I-I can walk to X-ray.

- Oh, you can't walk to X-ray. - Too far?

I got to help you. Nurse Bonney said so.

- Now, just stay there. - Ah!

[Saunders groaning]

Alright.

- Now, get in. - Ah!

No! I said, get in the wheelchair.

[Saunders groaning]

Did this come with instructions?

How do I know?

Hey, I did it. Alright.

[Saunders moaning]

You forgot to get in.

[yelling] Who are you?

[sobbing]

Hey, Mr. Woodman, we've been lookin' all over for you.

Oh, man, I'm so happy we found you. Where you been?

We couldn't find you for the longest...

Oh, excuse me, um, I didn't know that, uh... you had company.

[man over PA] Dr. Morgan, report to surgery.

Dr. Morgan.

Dr. Burger, report to the emergency ward.

[mumbling] Dr.--

[Arnold over PA] Mr. Woodman.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Alright, here we go. Off to X-ray we go.

[screams]

[screams]

How'd they get you in here?

I was unconscious when they brought me in.

Yeah, but that don't make you smaller.

Alright, we're gonna have to do a little measuring here.

Impossible. We'll have to do in two trips.

[video game beeping]

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'm-I'm looking

for one of your patients.

Rather short guy with gray hair.

[video game beeping]

One of your patients is lost.

You sewed his feet on backwards.

And we got to find him before he tries to sit down.

[video game beeping]

Ah, forget it.

Dave Sporting Goods having a real big sale on golf balls.

Oh, Mr. Saunders, I didn't know you could dance so good.

Alright.

Alright, now, we're really on our way, aren't we?

[clanking]

It doesn't look like my old nose at all.

As a matter of fact, this one's straight.

And that big lump I had...

Well, you'll see when I get home.

I'll be home in about 30 minutes.

I'm gonna get dressed right now. Bye-bye.

[screams]

Hi. Did you see a little guy with gray hair?

[crying]

Oh. Hey, hey.

You don't have to cry about it.

It's not your problem.

Come on, cheer up.

[crying]

- Vinnie. - Hi, Vinnie.

Hey, the Kotters, they came to visit me. How nice.

And flowers. You brought me flowers. Thank you.

No, no, no, Vinnie, we had some chocolate for you

but we ate it on our way over here.

The flowers are for Mr. Woodman.

We'd like to see him, okay?

Boy, so would I.

So, uh, where's the old bunion ward?

Well, you don't wanna look at the bunion ward.

Why-why don't I just give you the tour

of the hospital instead, okay?

It's a great hospital, you know.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, you know they got babies

and I know you like babies.

Maybe you'd like to pick one out.

Two's enough. Thanks, Vinnie.

Yeah, besides, we'd rather make our own.

Honey, why don't you go over to the nurse's desk?

I'm sure we need passes or something.

- Right. - No. Don't-don't go to her.

No. She's old penicillin push.

You know what? They use her face to scare germs out of people.

Yo, Vinnie, Vinnie. Vinnie.

What are you doing here?

Oh, wow, man, I was trying to...

Oh, wow, Mr. Kott-air and Mrs. Kott-air.

Freddie, how're you doing?

Oh, wow, that's really nice of you guys.

I mean, to get me flowers. You're so thoughtful.

Uh, relax, Freddie.

We've already done the flower routine.

If you guys will excuse us, we're here to see Mr. Woodman.

Hey, Mr. Kott-air, you'll sure you wanna do that?

I mean, you got young children at home and all.

Young children? What are you talking about, Freddie?

I'm talking epidemics.

I'm talking contagiousnesses.

I'm talking disease. I'm talking--

Wait a minute!

Mr. Woodman came here to have a bunion removed.

I know.

And one time in a medical profession

they didn't believe that a bunion epidemic was possible.

Alright. That's it.

Uh, something smells around here

and it's not the disinfectant.

I get the distinct impression

you guys are trying to get rid of us.

So do I. You know, I wouldn't be at all surprised

to see Juan Epstein running here

with some sort of half-baked story about how--

Hey, guys.

I know it's gonna sound like a half-baked story, but...

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Kotter, nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Vinnie, you know that old bag of bones we was talking about?

Well, it ain't in cold storage.

Oh. Mr. and Mrs. Kotter, lovely to see you.

Yeah, Beau, um, ahem, did you find

what you were supposed to be looking for?

I certainly did.

But I didn't find what Vinnie was looking for.

Alright. Enough.

- I want-- - Vinnie!

Vinnie, I couldn't find Mr. Woodman anywhere.

But I found out where babies come from.

You couldn't find Mr. Woodman?

I want you to start talking

and I want to hear some answers, okay?

Alright, alright. Look.

I was wheeling Mr. Woodman back from surgery

and I turned around, he disappeared.

[sobbing]

Poor Mr. Woodman.

A brave and courageous principal.

That man... that man was a credit

to corporal punishment.

Censorship.

Ring around a collar.

Will you cool it, Arnold?

Go ahead, Vinnie, finish the story.

Well, this is the finish of the story.

I got his chart, and I don't got his body.

And I'm afraid anyone who finds him ain't gonna know who he is.

You mean, that chart's the only thing left of Michael Woodman?

- Yeah. - Hey, let me see that.

Well, it certainly looks right.

It's short and it's square.

Don't have much of a personality.

Sure, sure, look we just, uh, dress it up

in one of his three-piece polyester suits

prop it up behind his desk

nobody's gonna be the wiser.

Now, come on!

Vinnie, you know what you got to do.

I mean, you have lost a person.

A human being.

[sobbing]

What a lovely tribute.

I never thought of Mr. Woodman like that before.

A human being.

You mean, I got to tell the hospital.

- Huh? - Yes.

You mean, I got to tell old Nurse Bonney, huh?

- Yes. - I may not come back alive.

Vinnie, you know what you have to do.

- Now, just go ahead and do it. - Alright.

- Miss Bonney. - Not now, Barbarino.

I'm figuring out my overtime.

Yeah, but it's really important. Something you got to know.

What?

What? What? What?

Uh, your hat's on crooked.

You are getting on my nerves, Barbarino.

Thank you.

- Vinnie. Vinnie. Vinnie. - No, not now, Bobby.

- Don't got time for your type. - Oh.

No, but, Vinnie, I'm in big trouble.

You're the only one I can turn to.

- What's the matter? - I got this patient.

I found him in the basement.

You found the patient in the basement?

Yeah, but I can't find his chart.

I don't know what to do with him, so I've been...

...rolling him all around the hospital.

So far, so far I've been in the linen closet

the maternity ward, the psychiatric ward, the cafeteria.

I'm running out of places.

Okay, did this guy have gray hair?

- Dyed. - He died?

No, dyed gray hair.

Yeah.

Okay, how tall was he? About this tall?

I don't know, he's always lying down.

Okay, this tall?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's him.

What am I gonna do? He's just starting to wake up.

If he starts to talk, I'm gonna lose my job for sure.

Okay, Bobby, you've done the right thing by coming to me.

This is what we do, we gotta help each other.

That's how you learn. Ask.

Okay, now you go off and do what you're supposed to do

and I'll take care of this guy.

- You just get him to me. - Oh, thanks, Vinnie.

I knew I could count on you. I'll get him.

- Okay. - Vinnie?

I heard what you told that guy. It's good advice, isn't it?

Yeah, it is good advice, huh?

Hey, hey, where are you going?

You can't leave me here.

Old sick man.

Oh, Barbarino.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

I was having a terrible dream.

It was like I was a man without a country.

Rolling from place to place.

And then that other orderly just left me here.

I... I don't think he knows what he's doing.

Okay, give him air. Give him air.

This guy just lost a bunion.

Now, look.

Vinnie Barbarino, your orderly

is gonna take good care of you

just like I promised you.

I have a new respect

for you, Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie Barbarino is a straight A student.

Why did I say that?

Just don't worry about it. When you're right, you're right.

Hey, look at him, he's gettin' the old color back in his face.

Gray.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, you know, it's really good to

see you back on your feet.

He ain't on his feet.

I know, but with him it's hard to tell the difference.

Don't pay attention to these guys.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, did I ever tell you about my uncle--

Not now, not now, Kotter.

I feel rotten enough. My foot hurts.

I hate my doctor. I hate the room.

I hate this food. I hate this hospital.

Barbarino!

I want that patient back in his room.

And I want all these people out of here.

Especially those little monsters.

Now her I like.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome ♪♪