Original subtitles

Well, guys, here it is. Lunch time again.

Otherwise known as mother's revenge.

Yeah, I hear you, Arnold.

That's one form of child abuse

that they ain't doin' nothin' about.

Well, let's see what those little mothers

packed for us today, huh?

- Alright. - Oh, my.

What you got, Arnold?

Peanut butter and prune.

And she knows I hate peanut butter.

Hm. Well, it beats what I got.

A leftover turkey sandwich.

Oh, what's wrong with that, Freddie?

It was left over since last Thanksgivin'.

What do you got, little Juan?

I got my typical Wednesday afternoon special.

Chopped liver burrito.

Oh, startin' to eat without me?

- Ah. - Hey, what's that?

I got a good lunch today. Listen to this.

Swiss cheese and cornflakes on rye.

Suddenly my peanut butter and prune sounds very tasty.

No, it's neat. You know what you do?

You take the Swiss cheese and you take cornflakes

and you stuff it in the little holes.

This way, when you eat it

you don't get any cornflakes on your lap.

Hey, guys, what do you say we have a grab bag, huh?

- Go ahead, put it on in it. - Yeah, that's a good idea.

- That's a great idea. - Here you go.

Shake it up. Alright, let me, let me get a hold.

Okay, now everybody close your eyes.

- Alright? Okay. - Okay.

Get on your mark

get set.

Grab!

[Freddie] Give me that!

- Give me that sandwich. - Come on, Juan.

[laughing]

What you got, Arnold?

Peanut butter.

Turkey.

Chopped liver burrito.

I got cornflakes. Hey, this, this was a good idea.

Well, well, well. Look at this, Murray.

Little babies is eatin' their lunches

that their mommies made for them.

He say you eatin' baby food.

Hey, guys, don't you know that it was bad manners

to look so ugly while people was eatin'?

[laughing]

Yeah, well, uh, any way you look at it, uh

you guys are sittin' there, uh, brown-baggin' it

and, uh, I'm eatin' the lunch

that's been made by a professional.

Aah...

A real-life burger.

Hey, I know they didn't make that in the school cafeteria.

- Of course not. - He say, "Of course not."

I got this at the Burgerzaar...

...where the burgers are.

See, uh, this is a, uh, a Rasputin special...

...with a Russian dressin'.

He's talkin' about a Commie burger to go.

Hey, guys, maybe we could go there tomorrow for lunch, huh?

Forget it. Unless you got a car, you can't eat there.

It's a strictly a-a drive-in joint.

He say, no wheels, no meals.

Oh, wow. Now, we gotta forget about it, man.

No, no, no. W-wait a minute, wait a minute.

I-I hate to see you guys

confined to eatin' this meagre fare

for yet another day.

Do you mean to say that you would drive down

to the Burgerzaar where the burgers are

to get a burger for us?

I'm gonna do better than that, Arnold.

I'm gonna sell you my car.

- Aah! - Aah!

Wait a, wait a, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

No need for hesitation here.

Gentlemen, I'm prepared to offer you

a very, very sweet deal.

Yeah, that sounds like what happened

when my Uncle Louie tried to sell us a car.

Yeah, which turned out to be the worst experience

of all our lives.

Hey, uh, Murray, uh, pull up a burger.

I think I will take a listen to this little story here.

Alright, it all started w-when we all saved up enough money

when we thought we could buy a car, alright?

So my Uncle Louie said he can get us a good deal on it.

So we all call Uncle Louie

and he comes back to us and he says...

...$150.

Hey, Vinnie, don't forget to add in my life savings.

Oh, yeah, a $150 plus 87 cents.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Guys, we just bought ourselves a car.

[all cheering]

Oh, our own car.

I just can't wait until the local peasantry

gets a load of me behind the wheel.

[imitating car]

Wait, Arnold. Slow down. Arnold, slow down.

[imitating tires screeching]

Whiplash!

Call my lawyer.

Psst. I'm doin' all the driving.

Here.

'Cause it's my Uncle Louie who gave us a good deal on a car

and I put in most of the money, 90 bucks

and, and I-I got most of the experience

behind a wheel, anyway, so I get to do it all.

Yeah, but, Vinnie, you spent most of your time

in the back seat.

Well, that's behind a wheel, ain't it?

Yeah, well, I put in the next highest amount.

So, uh, I get to ride shotgun.

Yeah, yeah, well, my 25 bucks

bought me a window seat in the back.

Hey, what do I get for my 87 cents?

You-you get to ride up front, under the hood.

[laughing]

Yeah, you can use your nose for dipstick.

[laughing]

Hey, uh, tell me now, uh

when do we get the car?

Alright, well, I told my Uncle Louie

that I'd give him the money this afternoon

and he said he'd drop the car by the hospital after school, so...

Ooh! Look out, nurses, here we come!

[clamoring]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Girls, you better go off to class, okay?

Something has to be done about all these students

in these hallways. They're everywhere.

Why can't we be like other schools and have more dropouts?

[door shuts]

Good morning, Mr. Woodman.

Where is Ms. Sherbeck?

She called me to sub for her again today.

- And what is it this time? - I don't know.

She said she has too many white cells in her blood.

I'm not quite sure what it means.

There's a white sale at Bloomingdale's...

...and there's a white sale at Macy's

and there's a white sale at Gimbels, and I could go on.

No, don't. I get the picture.

Send Gabe into my office, will you, please?

You know, these halls would not be nearly as crowded

if he got on the ball

and started expelling some of these students.

Gabe isn't here, either.

Oh, oh, you think maybe, uh

Gabe and Ms. Sherbeck have a little something...

- Uh... - No, Mr. Woodman.

He's at that-that school-board seminar upstate.

Another seminar? I give him a promotion

and right away he's a social butterfly.

Mr. Woodman, when you were vice principal

you went to those school-board seminars all the time.

Yeah? And what did I get out of it?

Year after year, seeing the same dreary faces

hearing the same boring lectures

eating the same stale finger sandwiches.

God, how I miss them.

- Hey, what's happenin', Woody? - Oh.

- Hey. - How you doin', Mr. Woodman?

Gangsters.

- Gangsters. - Mrs. Kotter.

So where's the mister?

He's at a seminar, Arnold.

- He'll be back late tonight. - Oh.

Oh, yeah? Well, we got some good news for him.

Perhaps we could, uh, drop by your-your residence tonight.

[chuckles] Not drop by, Vinnie.

Yeah, yeah, it'd be more like cruise by! Ha-ha.

Never exceeding the maximum speed limit, of course.

What are you guys talking about?

- We got ourselves a car. - What?

Are you crazy? That's grand theft!

Now, I don't know where you got this car

but take it back and turn yourselves in

and maybe you'll get suspended sentences.

Mr. Woodman, I am ashamed of you.

As long as you've known these boys

and you are ready to think of the worst of them.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Come here, fellas, come on.

Now, I don't care where you got that car.

I want you to take it back, turn yourselves in

and maybe you'll get suspended sentences.

Uh, come on, Mrs. Kotter. This ain't no hot car.

Well, it is when we we're in it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Now, look here, Mrs. Kotter, Vinnie's Uncle Louie

he sold it to us for a $150 bucks.

And 87 cents.

Which should put us on the road to a car full of kissy-face.

[chuckling]

- Girls. - That's right. Girls.

- Oh, yeah. - Hubba-hubba-hubba.

Before you get your engines all revved up, let me remind you

no decent girl would be caught dead with a Sweathog.

What does that make me? I married one.

You're different. You're from Nebraska.

You were brought up with hogs.

[laughing]

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- Hi, girls. - Hi, Mrs. Kotter.

We came to see if the tickets

for the victory dance are in yet.

Oh, yeah, just a second, I'll check.

Hold on to your hats, boys.

Tonight we make the big touchdown in the sky.

Oh, yeah, we're about to join the major league.

Oh, come on, those girls are cheerleaders.

- They'd never go out with us. - Oh, yeah?

Well, you watch old Juan

circumnavigate this situation here.

Good mornin', ladies.

Would you and your friends like to go out with me

and my co-horses?

Buzz off, busters.

[buzzing]

You're up.

Check this out.

Now, baby, uh, uh, think of what

being seen on the arm of the star basketball player

will do for your image.

Yeah, it'll make me look short.

Your mama's short.

Ain't that the truth? Ain't that the truth?

[indistinct chatter]

You guys don't know how to do anything.

You want to see a pro get the job done?

- Yeah. - Alright.

Take notes if you like.

We got a car!

Pick us up at 7:00.

[chuckles]

See?

- He's a genius. - Yeah, yeah.

[Juan] He's a genius.

- You did nice. - Alright.

[Vinnie] I'm a genius.

I hate hospitals.

Why do we got to pick our car up at a hospital?

It's because Vinnie works here

and his uncle's gonna drop the car off here.

Gee, I, I wonder if this car comes fully equipped.

Well, I know them cheerleaders sure enough did.

[chuckles]

Hey, Arnold, I got us a decoration for the car.

Oh, no, little Juan.

A nice St. Christopher belongs in the front.

Let him bring his own dice.

Little Juan, you don't understand.

- Those dice are illegal. - Why? They ain't loaded.

[chuckles] According to the "New York Driver's Manual"

and I quote

"Nothing may be placed

"in or on a vehicle

"so that it obstructs the driver's clear view

through the windshield." I'm sorry.

Arnold, I gotta use the dice. I ain't got no baby shoes.

Yeah, his family's still usin' 'em.

They kept the shoes and they bronzed his feet.

[laughing]

Well, okay, fine.

Well, I talked to my Uncle Louie's house

and they said that Uncle Louie left home about an hour ago

so he should be here any minute.

- Oh, good. - Hey, Vinnie.

Since you're gonna be doing all of the driving

I would like to test you on the laws

that govern our local highways

and our byways, okay?

- Okay. - Let's start with page one.

Hand signals. Alright.

- What does this mean? - That?

Oh, I know what that means. That means...

It means your underarm deodorant ain't dry yet.

[chuckles]

[siren wailing]

- Jesus! The cops. - The cops.

[male 1] Let's go. Come on. Come on.

- What's happenin'? - What have you got here?

Automobile accident.

Corner Bay, Park Wayne, 86th street.

No doubt, from not using the proper hand signals.

Get this patient into exam room three, stat!

Barbarino, move that patient now!

- Right. Right. - Come on.

See that, when they would need a real doctor

they get Barbarino.

Look at this poor guy.

He probably didn't even know what hit him.

Hey, this ain't no patient. This is my Uncle Louie.

Oh, how terrible.

It's Vinnie's Uncle Louie.

- It's a sad day in Brooklyn. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, man, that's bad news, what to be in a car accident.

[all] In our car?

Hey, Murray, give me another hamburger.

This is definitely a two-hamburger story

if I ever heard one.

He say this is a meaty story.

Yeah, yeah, l-let me ask you somethin'.

If your uncle wrecked the car before you got it

why didn't you just get your money back?

I didn't know whether the-the car was wrecked

before I bought it.

Look, the only thing I knew was it was the worst thing

that ever happened to us, right?

- Yeah. - Tell me about it, yeah.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

My favorite Uncle Louie, my own flesh and blood

and he's lyin' in there with multiple confusions.

Well, that sounds real bad, Vinnie, uh...

- Did he say where he was hit? - In the arm.

Yeah, but was his arm inside

or outside of the car when he was hit?

I don't know. I guess it was the door.

They said it was broken in two places.

[all] The door?

- No, his arm. - Oh.

For a second there, I thought I lost my window seat.

Hey, Vinnie

I don't want to sound indelicate

at a time like this

but did your uncle happen to mention

the state and condition of the car?

Of course not. He was just in an accident. Why would he do that?

Vinnie, I want you to take a wild guess now, buddy.

[clears throat] What do you think your uncle was drivin' in

when he had the accident?

He was deliverin' the car that we just bought.

He wrecked our car.

He wrecked our car! My life...

- He wrecked our car! - Epstein.

Wait, Vinnie, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, hey, ho, look, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, look. We don't know if the car is wrecked.

All we know is that your uncle is wrecked.

That's true, Vinnie.

There are a lot of accidents

in which a person is seriously injured

and the car has but a scratch on it.

Of course, those accidents usually involve a pedestrian.

Louie! Louie! Where's my Louie?

Louie! Louie! Mama's...

Oh, Vincenzie, Vincenzie

where, where is my Louie?

What have they done with my husband?

You must be Mrs. Barbarino.

What do you think, I'm Mama Celeste?

Of course, I'm Mrs. Barbarino. Where is my husband?

The doctors have just finished setting his arm.

Dio mio!Setting the arm?

Wait here just a minute and I'll check with the doctors

and see if the family's allowed in yet.

I'm not a family! I'm his wife!

Aunt Josephine, please don't worry.

I'm sure Uncle Louie's gonna be just fine.

Oh, Vincenzie.

[sobbing]

Oh, you, you are so... nice to be here.

You are so...

In my hour of need, you are a saint.

You are a saint, I tell you. You are a saint!

- You're th-the nicest saint. - Don't, don't, don't!

- Don't! The guys are watchin'. - Oh!

How wonderful!

These are your little friends.

And they are so concerned about your Uncle Louie...

- I wanna meet them. - Alright. This is Horshack.

- Hi. - Hi.

- And that is Washington. - Hi, mamma mia.

- And he's Epstein. - Hello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and his stupid Uncle Louie

went and wrecked our car.

Just hold on here.

Nice to meet ya.

Now, look, don't worry, girls, you just show up here

at the hospital and we'll take care of everything.

Oh! So these are your wonderful friends, huh?

[laughing]

Punks.

How many times have I told you not to hang around punks?

You're gonna break your mother's heart. You know that?

- Mrs. Barbarino? - Yes?

The doctor says you can visit your husband just for a minute.

- Oh. - He's in room 110.

Well, Aunt Josephine, before you go in there

you gotta find out some things for us, okay?

Anything, anything.

You boys are so, so good

to be so considerate about his Uncle Louie.

What do you wanna know?

- How bad was the car hit? - Will it still run?

If not, can the back seat be salvaged?

- What did I tell you? Punks! - Ow!

Oh, tell me, where is my Louie? My Louie...

Come on, seven. Come on, seven.

A five and three'll do it. Hah!

[no audio]

Too bad. Snake eyes, you lose.

- Lady luck on my side. - Hey, what are you guys doing?

You know you shouldn't be shootin' craps here.

Yeah, we should be shootin' your Uncle Louie.

Vincenzie, Vincenzie.

How did my Louie end up like this?

Oh, no. He died of a broken arm?

No, he's going to be fine.

It's what he's done that is so horrible.

I tell you, it is the will of God.

The man is being punished.

Uncle Louie did somethin' to God?

Worse than that!

Your Uncle Louie's in some shady business deal.

You see...

Hey, don't you punks have homes?

Hey! What do I look like? Little Orphan Annie?

Well, now that you mention it, little Juan...

Back off. This here's family stuff.

Alright, alright. We're gonna back off, we're gonna back off.

But if my family ever starts some shady business deal

see if I'll let you listen.

What did Uncle Louie do that was so bad?

This never would have happened

if he hadn't have bought that wreck.

Oh, no. The car is wrecked, huh?

The car was a complete wreck

when he bought it in the junkyard for $25.

- Twenty-five dollars? - Yeah.

And he's gonna try to sell it

for a $150 to some sucker.

Four suckers.

But don't worry, I did the right thing.

- Yeah. Broke his other arm. - No. No.

I got his wallet right here

with the $150 I got this morning.

And I'm gonna take it to the church

and put it in the poor box.

But you can't do that, Aunt Josephine.

But, Vincenzie, these things are best left in God's hands.

Yeah, but may-maybe God is busy.

God is never too busy to take a $150.

Well, you don't understand somethin', Aunt Josephine.

That-that money is mine. I'm the sucker he sold it to.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, you have such a sweet mouth.

How can you say such lies about your uncle?

They ain't lies, Aunt Josephine.

Would I lie about my favorite Uncle Louie?

The guy who, when I was a little kid

he took me in to Coney Island

and he, he made me play stickball

and bought my first mitt.

Would I lie about my favorite uncle?

I'm telling you, that rotten lout stole my $150.

Just give me the money. It's no big deal.

Vinnie, if this is your money, I want you to have it.

Good. Thank you.

Not until your uncle looks me in the eye

and tells me with his own lips.

Okay, come on. Let's go find out.

- Good. - Mrs. Barbarino?

You might as well go home and get some sleep.

We've just given your husband a sedative.

Aunt Josephine, look.

I'm sure Uncle Louie can't sleep with all this stuff on his mind.

Well, why don't I go see if he's awake and-and you stay here

and-and wait for us to come back, okay?

- Alright. - Come on.

[Vinnie] Okay, you guys know what to do, right?

Vinnie, I'm telling you, man, this ain't gonna never work.

She ain't gonna believe this is Uncle Louie.

- Do you want your money back? - Of course.

- Then do it. - Hey.

For 87 cents, I'll try anything.

Alright. Epstein, Epstein, do you know what to do?

- It's alright. - Good. Let's go.

- Aunt Josephine. - Oh, Louie! Louie!

Oh, my Louie! My Louie. Oh, my Louie!

Aunt Josephine, we gotta act quick now

'cause he's under the influence of a sleepin' pill.

And then I gotta get him to the in

uh, uh, intensive restroom.

Uncle Louie, tell her that it's my money.

[Juan groaning]

See, he said it was my money.

Vinnie Barbarino, what are you doing with this patient?

[screaming]

Hey, nurse, nurse, you gotta help my friend!

- What is it? What's wrong? - Aah!

Uh, I-I think he's got appendicitis!

[screaming]

I can't believe it.

Not until my Louie looks me in the eye and tells me

that this is your money.

Tell her, Uncle Louie.

- I thought he had a broken arm. - It spread.

Hey, Juan, tell her whose money it is.

Thank you, Uncle Louie.

Hey, we can stop this now. We got our money back.

Oh. Thank you. I feel so much better.

You have wonderful hands.

- Hey, hey, come on, you guys. - Hey, girls.

We're gonna be late for the game.

Oh, we ain't gonna be late, baby

'cause we're ready to move anytime.

Oh.

Aunt Josephine, when you see Uncle Louie again

he's gonna be a different man.

So you see, it-it all turned out alright anyway

'cause we still got to keep the date with the cheerleaders.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

And may I say we also got our money back, too.

[chuckles]

And Uncle Louie turned out just fine

for Uncle Louie.

Well, gentlemen, uh, this lunch has proven to be

a most, most educational experience.

Sure. Never buy nothin' from a Barbarino.

- Shut up. - No.

Never eat nothin' from a Burgerzaar.

He say...

[groaning]

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪