Original subtitles

Hey, what's happenin', Juan?

I got to complain about this pencil you sold me.

It don't work.

Ahh, ahh, ohhh.

What seems to be the problem?

Every time I write with it, it gets duller.

And then when I sharpen it, it gets shorter.

What we have here is a vicious cycle.

Duller, shorter, duller, shorter.

I don't know what to do.

You know what they say around here?

Anytime something keeps getting duller and shorter

they make it the principal.

[laughs]

Hyenas! You're all hyenas.

Hi, Mr. Woodman.

You know, I admire a man who knows his zoology.

Thank you, DeLabarre.

[laughs]

Gee, you guys sure have a lot of fun.

You know, I've always wanted to kind of like...

Hey, Arnold, did you study for that test?

Oh, I couldn't, Juan, there was this

good TV program on last night.

- My mother was on... - What test?

[chuckles]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Can I help you?

Uh, I'm here to see Mr. Kotter.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter's away at a teachers' conference.

Mr. Woodman's taking all his appointments.

You have an appointment, don't you?

Oh, yes. Mary Johnson.

- Mary Johnson? - I was here yesterday.

Gosh, Mary, I don't see your name down here.

Uh, there is a blank space at this time though.

That's me.

Julie, I'm going to lunch.

If I have to do my job and Kotter's

I must have a decent meal.

Right now, I'll settle for the cafeteria.

You have another appointment.

I don't care. I have low blood sugar.

If I don't eat on time, I get grumpy.

Cancel the appointment, tell whoever it is

to come back later.

Um, you're looking at her. This is Mary Johnson.

Mary?

Ah, good to see you.

You want to step into my office?

If it's inconvenient, I can come back.

No, no, no, come right in.

Don't suppose you have a twinkie on you?

Pull her file for me, will you, Julie?

Yeah.

Okay.

Have a seat.

Are you a new student here?

I don't think I've seen you before?

I'm the kind of person it's easy not to notice.

It's funny, sometimes, like

I'll be talking in class, you know, and--

Mr. Woodman, there are three Mary Johnsons

in the file so I brought 'em all.

[sighs] Nobody ever hears me.

- Thanks, Julie. - You're welcome.

Um, I'm just gonna be gone for 30 minutes or so now.

I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and, you know...

You mean you can actually eat lunch knowing that

I'm up here on the verge of malnutrition?

Yes.

You see, if I don't eat on time, I get grumpy.

And I thought Kotter was the flaky one in the family.

Well, this is quite an impressive record

you have, Mary, straight A average

president of the pep squad.

No, that's not me.

That's Mary Johnson, the cheerleader.

That's too bad.

Well, talk about impressive, interscholastic swim chair

captain of the girls' softball team.

No, that's Mary Johnson, the jock.

Well, of course, here you are, Mary Johnson.

Uh, this is really some, uh...

...quite an impressive dental record you have.

That's me. Mary Johnson, the regular brusher.

What can I do for you?

I want to be transferred to the special guidance

remedial academics group.

You want to be a Sweathog?

What is this? Be-kind-to-animals week?

You see, I've thought about it a lot and if I were a Sweathog--

Hey, man, Mr. Woodman, man, somebody got the gym

all decorated for some pep rally.

Now how I'm supposed to practice for the game tonight?

Washington, can't you see I'm trying

to have a conference with, uh...

Mary Johnson.

Mary Johnson?

Hey, listen, tootsie, are you the one

that got all the decorations hanging from the hoops?

No, that would be Mary Johnson the cheerleader.

I'm the Mary Johnson with the good teeth.

Look, Washington, call off the practice 'til after the rally.

Call it off? Alright.

But don't blame me in the game tonight

if my old slam dunk ain't got no funk.

That is a typical Sweathog.

His idea of nature study is watching meadowlark lemon.

Herbert Hoover melted.

Now, Epstein, ma-

Herbert Hoover what?

Oh, it was horrible, Mr. Woodman, just horrible.

He started with a little blue drip

right around his vest, okay?

And then slowly it spread all over his three-piece suit.

It was turning blue and orange and green

all the time bubbling, bubbling, bubbling.

It wasn't a pretty sight.

What are you talking about?

I was showing this film on Herbert Hoover

in Mr. Wilkes' class and the projector

the projector jammed up on me.

What am I gonna do?

Well, how do I know? Do I look like a projectionist?

No, but you look a little bit like Herbert Hoover.

Go report it to maintenance. And, Epstein?

- Yeah? - Next time, knock.

Now, looking at your record I don't see how I can possibly

put you in with the Sweathogs as, I mean

that's a remedial class and you have a strong C average.

That's my problem. I'm average.

Oh, I see you've talked to your counselor

about this problem before.

You know, I think you'll find most teenagers

feel the same way.

See what I mean?

I can't even have a life crisis

that isn't average.

Look, I'd like to help you, but if I transfer you

to the Sweathogs, that would be like sending Albert Einstein

to the planet of the apes.

And you'd stick out like a sore thumb.

That's what I want. Don't you see?

That's one place I could be special.

If my grades aren't bad enough, I'll fail a few tests.

Don't you understand? I've just got--

Mr. Woodman.

I'm in dire need of a man with your power and influence.

DeLabarre, my boy, what can I do for you?

As you know, I haven't been here very long

and I still don't know my way around very well.

As a result, I made a wrong turn in gym class

this morning and found myself in the girls' locker room.

That's a natural mistake.

Well, when I saw all those girls I was so ashamed.

I immediately started to leave

but being new here, I couldn't find the door.

Are you sure you're alright?

Oh, just fine, sir, except for the gym teacher

she's real upset about all this, and...

...I was hoping maybe you could explain my presence to her

and smooth her ruffled feathers.

Consider it done, my boy. I'll take care of everything.

You just go on back to gym class.

Oh, boy.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I admire a man who can take charge

of a potentially explosive situation and nip it in the bud.

There goes a fine, young man.

Mr. Woodman, hurry up, you've got to come with me.

There's a food fight in the cafeteria.

Well, that's nothing new. Get the coach to stop it.

He started it.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, we need a man of your stature.

You mean you need a strong authority figure?

I mean we need a low target.

I've been telling you, there's no justice.

I'm up here starving to death and down there

half the school is wearing my lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to leave. I'll be right back, uh, Ruth.

It's Mary.

Mary Johnson.

Mary Johnson of the one-page file.

Mary Johnson, the nobody.

♪ I'm eating my lunch oh yeah ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch let me tell you now ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch 'cause it's good for me ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch ♪

♪ I love my lunch it's good for me ♪

♪ It's good for you ♪♪

Hey, Arnold, Arnold.

They got this dynamite food fight

going down in the cafeteria, man.

Come on, let's go check it out. Come on.

No, I don't like the soup they're throwing today.

Alright, alright, which one of you guys did it?

I didn't do it, little Juan

I would never do a thing like that.

I swear I would never do

a thing like that.

- Didn't do what? - That's a very good question.

Little Juan, what exactly was it that I did not do?

Well, I just took my projector down to maintenance

'cause somebody stuck some bubblegum in the sprockets.

I didn't do it.

- I think you did it, Freddie. - I'm surprised at you, Juan.

How could you accuse me of something like that?

As long as I knew you, I would never

never do nothing like that.

If I did anything like that

may I be struck dead right there.

What was that?

Well, either it came from the building

or they've started throwing the meatloaf.

Look, look, I think it came from up there.

And that girl on the ledge must have kicked it off, huh?

Wow, man, what's that chick doing up there?

A person could get killed

from falling off a ledge that high.

Hey, you know something?

I think that's what she's got in mind.

Come on, we'd better get some help and fast.

Come on.

What do you mean there's a girl on the ledge?

Doesn't she know that loitering on school property

is in violation of the city ordinance?

I don't think she's planning on staying there

that long, Mr. Woodman.

My God!

That girl was just in my office. That's Mary Johnson.

Now look, Mary, I want you to stay very calm.

Maybe if you'll just come inside, we can talk

over whatever's bothering you.

Just stay very calm.

Get away from that window.

I told you to stay calm!

Is this some kind of a stunt

to get me to make you a Sweathog?

What? Do you think I'm crazy?

I don't care about being a Sweathog.

I'm out here because I wanna jump.

You all tried to ignore me. Well, now, I'll show you.

So get away from that window.

I'm through talking. Especially to you.

Hey, she's not kidding. She's really gonna jump.

I've called the police. They're on their way.

They said to keep her talking until they get here.

We can't keep her talking.

She won't let us near the window.

She won't listen to us.

Well, somebody's got to keep her talking.

Hi, Mary, honey.

Listen, I-I don't know what your problem is

but we all really want to help you if we can.

Get away from me.

I'm sorry. I thought I could help.

You can help, Julie, go see if you can reach her parents

and get them down here.

Hi there.

This is just a big joke to you, isn't it?

Well, we'll see how hard you laugh when I jump.

O-o-okay, just-just take it easy, baby

and okay, I'm not laughing, it's no joke.

It's just that I don't know what to say to you, man.

You got me all scared.

Well, that makes two of us.

Hey, look. Look, baby, why don't you come back inside?

You're not gonna solve nothing by checking out on us like this.

Sure. That's easy for you to say.

Everybody knows "Boom-boom."

Yeah, that is true. So?

So nobody knows me.

There are three Mary Johnsons in this school.

I'm the one that needs the nickname, not you.

Okay, alright. Just come back inside.

I mean, if you got the guts to come back in through this window

I'll give you one of my booms.

Get outta here!

Nice try, boom.

What are you gonna do, Epstein?

Don't worry, don't worry, I saw this

on an old Beretta rerun once.

Hey, kid. I know where you're coming from.

I've been out on the streets, I know what it's like

when nobody cares.

But I swear to you, kid, I care.

Look, right now, I'd like to wrap my arms around you

and hold you so nobody would ever bother you never, never.

And you can take that to the bank.

Look, kid, if you don't believe me I'll jump, huh?

What do you think of that, huh? Listen to me, sugar lips.

I'll jump first. I'll jump right in front of you.

What do you say, huh?

Go ahead.

Uh, I can't right now.

I-I got a book report due sixth period.

That girl's crazy. She wanted me to jump.

Well, I for one was very moved, Little Juan.

Thank you.

But I think it loses something

without the cockatoo.

Hey, I heard that Mary Johnson's out on a ledge.

- Yeah. - I know her.

You gotta let me talk to her.

[sighs]

My dear Miss Johnson.

If this has anything to do with our little misunderstanding

of the other night, I assure you that...

Hey, this ain't the cheerleader.

No, it's not the cheerleader.

It's the plain, ordinary Mary Johnson.

The kind of girl you wouldn't take the time to notice

because you're so stuck up, you're afraid to date a girl

that isn't as pretty as you are.

Well, you talk big standing out there on a ledge.

Well, miss, yeah, I dare you to step inside this room

and say that to my face.

I'll say it anywhere you like.

Oh, no. You think you're pretty smart.

Well, I'm staying right where I am.

Alright. Don't go away.

- Well, almost worked. - You did the best you could.

- It's alright. It's alright. - Don't worry about it.

- We'll think of something. - How's it going?

Where are the police, did you tell them

about the girl on the ledge?

Of course.

If she were double parked they'd have been here

ten minutes ago.

She doesn't need the police. She needs a friend.

No, man, you be careful out there.

- You're no hero, Arnold. - Just take it easy, alright?

[Julie] Arnold, be careful.

Come on, Arnold, be careful.

You're alright? You're alright, huh?

I'm okay.

Hello, Mary.

I...

I've come in answer to your cry.

What cry?

Well, I've read that when somebody

tries to take their own life it's really a cry for help.

So, uh... I'm here to help.

Oh, Arnold.

Why should you care what happens to me?

Mary...

...before anyone can care about you

you first have to care about yourself.

And, if you don't mind my saying so

jumping off a ledge is not the act

of a person who is fond of herself.

You cannot come out here and talk to me like that.

It's a free ledge.

Well, I wish you'd go back inside.

I got enough problems as it is.

You know, Mary...

...it's a funny thing about problems, you know?

The next morning your problems don't seem half as important.

Oh, Mary...

...I would hate to think what would happen

if there were no next morning.

Well, I wouldn't have any problems

if I could just be popular.

Oh.

Oh, Mary, being popular ain't gonna solve your problems.

You may not believe this but there are times when even I

Arnold Horshack, do not feel very popular.

But you don't see me out on a ledge.

Ordinarily.

Well, nobody likes me.

In fact, I don't even like me.

Do you like me?

Yeah. Sure.

Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, uh, Coney Island?

- Sure. - Yeah.

Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, oh, the roller coaster

they got, you know?

No. I'm afraid of heights.

But I love the bumper cars.

Oh, sure, the bumper cars.

Then don't jump.

Because if you do you're gonna lose

all the things you care about.

Not to mention all of us that care about you.

Oh... come on, Mary.

You said you liked me.

If you jump I'll think you didn't mean it

and, you know, I'm a very sensitive kind of a guy.

Oh, I do like you. And I love Coney Island.

And I don't want to jump. I don't want to jump, Arnold.

I-I don't want to jump!

Arnold! Give me your hand.

Right now, you can have my entire body.

Pull yourself up by your arms.

No arms.

Arnold, you can't stay out there forever.

Just throw me a coat in the winter, I'll be okay.

Arnold. I want you to follow my feet.

- Follow your feet. - One hand at a time.

One hand at a time. Okay.

You're my friend, Arnold.

You're my friend, Arnold!

I'm your friend, Arnold.

I'm your friend, Arnold!

I'm gonna help you up, Arnold.

Oh, no, you're not, Arnold.

- I can't watch. - No, no, he's doing alright.

- You're looking good. - Grab his arm, grab his arm.

[Julie] Come on, get him, pull him up

Mary, you can do it, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

- Come on, Mary. - Come on, Mary.

Come on, give me your hand, give me your hand, come on.

Come on. Come on, flex yourself.

[crying]

I'm so sorry.

He could have been killed and it's all my fault.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Mary.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

You were all so wonderful.

You saved my life and I don't know how to thank you.

Especially you, Arnold.

Mary.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way

[breathing heavily]

but I don't ever want to hang out with you again.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Julie

my body won't stand many more days like this.

You mean coping with students on ledges?

No, I mean missing my lunch.

Well, I am just glad that

we got Arnold and Mary in safely.

Well, Mary anyway.

You know, Mr. Woodman, despite all her problems

she's-she's really a very bright girl.

I think with the right professional help

she's gonna be just fine.

Well, when she comes back to school

I'm gonna make it my business

to see that she's not ignored.

Every student deserves our full attention.

Well said, Mr. Woodman.

I'm very eloquent on an empty stomach.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought ♪

♪ They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought ♪

♪ They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪