Original subtitles

[bell ringing]

That's Friday, gentlemen.

We survived another week of education.

- Yeehaw! - Yeah?

Well, I don't feel no smarter than I did last week.

Well, I think that our school work is a credit.

To the letter F.

That us just the four Fs.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

May I remind you all that tonight

is the mid semester dance.

- Alright. - Yeehaw!

A time for wine, women and songs.

Great. Where we gonna find a singing lady wino.

[laughing]

Well, sounds to me like you don't have no date.

So, I'll check my out of town book.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Now, don't you do me no favors.

I remember the first time you fixed me up.

Remember, huh? Your first day at school.

- How can I forget? - Yeah.

Oh, hey, Doris, Doris

we're all set for tomorrow night.

Look at who's fighting in the main event here.

We got "Grease Gun" Gomez versus al "Three Toes" Tortellini.

Tortellini eats barbed wire for lunch.

Juan, I can't stand blood.

You know, me neither.

I'd rather see lumps, bruises, and contusions.

Good, then you go to the fights with him.

Oh, Doris, why don't you do what I do?

Keep your eyes closed and throw cushions at the referee.

I'm not going.

I paid good American dollars for these tickets.

What do you mean you ain't going?

The principal's office is right over there, Beau.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm new here and somewhat dependent

upon the kindness of strangers.

Thank you for this, too.

"555-2161."

you just stay by your phone tonight, hear?

You'll remember my number, too, won't you, Beau?

Oh, darling, there are three things

Beau de Labarre never forgets

names, phone numbers

and how to hang up if your daddy answers.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

Excuse me.

Hi, my name's Beau de Labarre from New Orleans.

I'm new here, and I wondered if you might direct me

to the nearest principal's office.

Well, hush my puppies!

I tell you what you got to do, darling.

What you got to do is you go around the old magnolia bush

down tobacco road, then... up your plantation.

But... us poor white trash

we just take the third door on the left.

And land safe now child, land safe.

You make sure your mama know where you is.

She gonna be worried about you.

I'm sure you gentlemen wouldn't mind

if this young lady showed me the way.

Not if you wouldn't mind getting a boll weevil

shoved up your nose.

Listen, fellas

I'm not looking for any trouble.

I'm just looking for the principal's office

or anything else I might find along the way.

Well, fiddle-de-dee, Master Juan.

The south done rose again.

Get off my back.

That new southern dude's just a mouth.

Yeah, it's too bad his mouth

is gonna be all over Doris' lips.

How would you like your lips all over your face?

I wouldn't like that at all.

- Well, I didn't think so. - Well, you're very psychic.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Now, Gabe, don't forget that the chicken soup

is on the stove, and please don't walk around the apartment

without your slippers and bath robe, okay?

Don't forget to take your medicine either.

Bye-bye.

Julie, get your pad, please.

This memo has to go out right away.

"To all students taking driver education

unless the steering wheel and transmission are returned...

...Driver ED classes will be terminated."

Exclamation point!

Hi, Mrs. Kotter.

Oh, hi, Doris.

This is Beau... de Labarre?

No, "Beau de Labarre."

It should flow.

He's from New Orleans.

That's "New Orleans."

That should flow, too, just like "Mississippi."

Doris, why don't you flow off to class?

Pretty little lady's right.

I think I can handle it from here.

You can handle anything from anywhere at any time.

[sniffs]

My, I like what I'm smellin'.

May I inquire what it is?

Why, yes you may.

It's typing cleaner.

Boy, I... You know, I love office humor.

- My daddy once told me-- - Uh, Mr. Woodman.

This is Beau de Labarre, a new student from New Orleans.

De Labarre?

Where have you been?

Ooh, I love that voice, sir.

You were supposed to report here a week ago.

Without even being told

I can hear I'm in the presence of the head honcho.

You can tell that just from the voice?

Yes, indeed!

And your flair for fashion.

[chuckles]

Well, thank you, De Labarre.

Polyester breathes so well.

Julie, let me have his transcript.

I want to get Mr. De Labarre situated.

After you, sir.

No, no, no, after you.

Oh, I insist.

Thank you.

That's a nice kid.

You were expelled from seven schools?

It's not a record I'm proud of, Mr. Woodman.

It would be very easy for me to point a finger

at the decadent conditions that existed at that point in time.

Oh, I can imagine how you suffered.

I know none of this excuses my past behavior

but my daddy taught me there are three things

a real man never does...

...cheat at cards, lie at love

or step on a pregnant alligator.

That's so true.

Unfortunately, your grades put you

in the remedial guidance class.

That makes you a Sweathog.

Sweathog?

That sounds gross.

It is.

That don't look nothin' like Mr. Woodman.

It ain't supposed to be Mr. Woodman.

It's supposed to be that southern fried phony

Beau Diddly.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I see it now.

It's almost perfect, little Juan!

Except for the eyes, the nose, and the hair.

♪ Look for the confederate label ♪

♪ When you are buying your BVDs ♪

Hey, man, how you get that dude's shorts?

They came with his pants.

Yeah, he's in gym class right now takin' a shower.

Uh, you left his zipper open.

So, uh, that's what they call, a southern exposure.

[laughing]

[girls cat calling]

Now, now, now, now, honey child, honey child

honey child, that will never do!

We have a dress code here.

Sir, you are a disgrace to your regiment, sir.

Oh!

I used to have an uncle like that

only he used to work with a raincoat.

Mr. Epstein.

Mr. De Labarre!

I underestimated you.

Allow me to salute your cunning your dexterity

and since you're holding that staple gun

your choice of weapons.

Well, you just stay away from my women, De Labarre

because the next time I staple up these clothes

you're gonna be in 'em.

I can't believe that little, cotton picker.

How many girls does he need?

I saw him in the library.

He returned one book

and checked out two cheerleaders.

Excuse me, ladies.

Juan, Juan.

You know, I'm new here

I wondered if I might pick your brains.

Well, uh, you can try

but you're pickin' at an empty field.

Ah!

Come on, come on.

Yeah, sure, sure.

That little dental hygienist over there

she needs a date for tonight.

I'd ask you to fill in, but I'd hate to risk you

falling behind on your school work.

He's two years behind now, what's another night?

Hey, uh, you could recommend me, little Juan.

No offense, Arnold, but this is a, uh, physical woman.

Her taste doesn't run toward the, um--

Intellectual.

What do you say, Juan, are you gonna help me out?

Yeah, sure, sure, I'll do you a favor this time

but you owe me one.

Come on, let's go over and check out the goods.

Oh, Freddie...

we never should've let little Juan go out

with that dental technician.

Don't let that smile fool you.

She probably gave him a good flossing

and sent him straight home.

Yeah, sure, sure, that's why I got

another appointment with her for tonight.

Come on, guys, I'm talkin' about a sophisticated lady here.

Marlene Palumbo happens to be a graduate

of Dr. Waldheim's school of Oral Hygiene.

That's a terrific school.

They advertise on every matchbook in the city.

That's right and after I dumped Beau and his date

I took Marlene to the fights.

Now, come on, Epstein, come on.

Let's get down to the real nitty-gritty.

What happened... after you took her home?

What do you think happened?

She's a dental hygienisist, isn't she?

Ooh, I get it, I get it.

They drank beer out of a waterpik.

Nothin' happened, that's what happened!

Oh, yeah, sure, nothin' happened.

Juan, Juan.

I just want you to know, I'm mighty sorry about last night.

It's just your own fault, Beau, you just picked

the wrong girl, that's all.

Yeah, Juan got the swinger with the waterpik.

That's right, she saw Juan through his cavity-prone years

in one night.

I wish that hadn't happened.

Well, Beau, she just couldn't help herself, you know?

You're just looking at a man here with animal magnitude.

That may be true

but it's not gonna put you in good stead with her husband.

[in unison] Husband?

Hey, man, you didn't tell us that chick was married.

Hey, don't blame Juan, he didn't know.

I just found out myself.

She's got an old man?

Well, unfortunately, he's not that old.

Juan, I feel terrible about all this

and I'm gonna do everything I can

to smuggle you out of the country.

Smuggle me out of the country?

Well, I presume that's how you got in.

Hey, guy, Juan Epstein don't run from nobody.

I mean, I've worked over more faces than a plastic sturgeon.

That kind of courage may serve you well

because Marlene... Mrs. Palombo, that is...

likens her husband to the incredible hulk.

[both] The incredible hulk?

Juan.

Juan, there's a phone call for you in the office.

It's a Mrs. Palombo.

Juan, she is hysterical.

Something about you and her husband

and killing.

Santos gevalt!

I wish I had been there when that phone call came.

You must've been shakin' in your boots.

Oooh. Whoo.

Hey, guy, Juan Epstein don't shake.

He don't tremble. He don't run.

He just sweats a lot.

[laughing]

And then he faints a lot.

Come on. Come on, you guys.

I remember that day more than anybody.

I was very cool.

Juan, Mrs. Palombo's on the phone waiting for you.

No speak the English.

Hi, there.

Yeah, yeah.

Just hold up, I'm listenin', alright.

Well, I just missed the part where you say

your husband was gonna tear off Juan's arm

and use it to break both his legs.

Oh, these are violent times, Mrs. Kotter.

Guys, since when has Juan started dating married women?

Well, since last night.

That southern dude really fixed Juan up.

With Mrs. Palombo, the wife?

Enter Mr. Palombo, the gorilla.

Exit Juan, the frightened.

Soon to be Juan, the pulverized.

- Let's split. - See you at the funeral.

- See you later. - Bye now.

Juan, Juan, you been in there for three hours.

You can come out now.

- Any signs of godzilla? - No.

If you ask me, that dude ain't showin'.

Look, Freddie

if I don't make it through this day

there's somethin here I want you to have.'

"My last will and tenement."

Do you think he's gonna bump himself off?

How, flush himself down a toilet?

"I, Juan Sanchez Jose Martinez Guadalupe Sandoval

Ortega Valdez Jesus Angel Cordero

Di Huevos Epstein... the third...

I hereby leave to my good friend, Freddie Washington."

Oh, Freddie, hey!

"The priceless contents of the top shelf of my locker

two hubcaps from a police car."

"To my dearest and best beloved friend

Arnold Horshack..." Oh, Juan!

"I leave all of my excuse notes," Oh!

"And also my mother's recipe

for matzah balls ranchero."

Hey, Juan, hey, man

that's beautiful, brother, that's beautiful.

Hey, Juan, don't give up the hope, man.

You got us to protect you, don't worry.

Oh, yeah, Juan, don't worry.

You'll make it through the day

but just in case you don't

how come Freddie gets more than me?

Sorry, Arnold.

I ran out of paper.

Mrs. Kotter, these supplies just came in for you.

Thought I'd bring 'em up just to lighten your load.

You shouldn't have bothered.

Just trying to be helpful.

Like you were with Juan?

I heard about the big favor you did him last night.

From your tone, I gather your response

is less than enthusiastic.

You gather right.

You know, I think you knew

that Mrs. Palombo was married

before you ever fixed Juan up with her.

You were just angry because he stapled

your clothes to the wall.

Mrs. Kotter, imagine how you'd feel

with a whole school full of people

staring at your panties.

On the wall, I mean.

Is this how you did things down in New Orleans?

Well, to correct your low opinion of me, Mrs. Kotter

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

There is no Mrs. Palombo.

Don't lie, Beau.

I spoke to the woman on the phone myself.

Oh, you spoke to Marlene, alright.

I had Marlene make the call

but Marlene isn't married,

which of course means there is no Mr. Palombo either.

But there is a terrified Juan Epstein

hiding somewhere and missing all of his classes.

He can thank me for that later.

Beau, this may not mean anything to you

but Juan Epstein has a learning problem

which means he cannot afford to miss any classes.

You really care about these Swinehogs.

Sweathogs.

And yes, I do.

And so does my husband.

He has years of aggravation invested in them.

Well

I was gonna let Juan sweat it out the rest of the week

but thanks to you

he'll be back in class first thing tomorrow.

But you are gonna let him squirm for the rest of the day.

Yes, ma'am!

See, I can't let these guys push me around.

But don't you worry now.

There are three things I never take away from any man

his dignity, his honesty, or his puberty.

Do you just make those things up?

Yup.

Don't!

The flying fish have polyps!

The albatross is naked!

Let's move, let's get out of here.

I don't know what the rush is.

I'm always in a rush-a

when there's a contract out on my face-a.

Scusi!

Juan, Juan.

Relax, come here.

Look, Marlene isn't married.

There is no Mr. Palombo. I made him up.

You mean to tell me I spent four hours

in a bathroom for nothin'?

Where do I find Juan Epstein?

Hello.

What do you want-a with this-a Juan Epstein?

To kill him.

He took out my girl last night.

See, Marlene don't know it, but we're practically engaged.

Now, where's Epstein?

You want to see Epstein?

Okay, big boy, I'm gonna give you Epstein.

I'm Epstein.

Juan!

Juan, are you alright?

I love a good joke, but I hated the punch line.

Come on.

Come over here, why'd you tell him you was me?

I coulda handled that guy.

There are three things I never run from

a good fight, a good offer, or a bad woman.

Besides, I had it comin'.

Well, let me tell you somethin', Beau.

There's three other things you shouldn't run from.

What?

I'm one.

I'm two.

I'm three.

Hey, you guys are alright.

- Yeah. - That's alright.

[indistinct chatter]

I must admit. You were pretending to be Juan Epstein

was stupid.

But it was also a very classy thing to do.

Yeah, that's right.

Most people that pretend to be Juan get deported.

[laughing]

Well... I'm glad we all are though with Marlene Palumbo

and her boyfriend.

You maybe through with her.

But I'm still datin' her.

What for?

Wha... You wanna get killed?

Hey, guy, I ain't gonna get killed.

Her boyfriend still thinks that you are me.

You know, what I mean.

I'm the lover. You are the fighter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how it must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was the song... ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ And what good ever lead ya? ♪

♪ What good ever lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪