Original subtitles

[theme music]

Where's Vinnie?

I don't know, Arnold.

I really haven't seen him in about a week.

Murray and Carvelli, what are you guys doing here?

Well, it looks like they moved in to

the Buchanan school district.

That I am the new principal of Buchanan high school.

[students] Oh.

Now that your partner in crime is a vice principal

you think you can get away with anything you want.

The possibilities are mind-boggling.

Surprise!

I'm giving you detention for one week.

I get that all of a sudden you ain't one of us anymore.

You used to cover for us with Mr. Woodman.

But now you are Mr. Woodman.

- I got a job. - You got a job?

Man, I quit school, I'm through with it now.

I guess I'll be seeing you, Mr. Kotter.

From now on you can consider me out to lunch.

Permanently.

[honks]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

I'll send someone up as soon as I can.

Yes, I'm shorthanded right now.

Yes, one of my orderlies didn't show up yet.

I know it's a mess, but I'll get s--

Barbarino.

I'll call you back.

Hey, Nurse Baker, you been there all the time?

I-I didn't see you.

I've been here since 8 o'clock.

The same time you were supposed to be here.

You-you know what the problem is

I'll tell you what the problem is.

All the stuff in the hospital is painted white

and then you put your nurses in white uniforms.

It's a wonder why we don't lose more nurses.

When you're supposed to be here

at eight, I want you here at eight.

You know what they ought to do, I'll tell you what they

ought to do, they ought to paint the stuff black

and then you nurses will stick out like sore thumbs.

Look, I don't have time to stand around here and argue with you.

Get that gurney down to the emergency room

drop these dirty linens off at the laundry room

get up to the operating room as soon as you can.

They need help in getting it cleaned up.

Right, Nurse Baker, Nurse Baker.

Yes?

The operating room, could I skip it?

Why?

Icky.

Well, Barbarino...

...do it for me today and tomorrow

I'll tell the doctors to try and be neater.

Alright.

Dr. Barbarino wanted in surgery.

Dr. Barbarino wanted in surgery.

- What are you guys doing here? - Woo-woo!

Vinnie Barbarino, you're lookin' good.

Gimme a double dip of pistachio.

Come on.

Vinnie, you look just like a regular doctor.

He ought to, he's been playin' doctor since the sixth grade.

Hey, look, if you guys came to hang out

this ain't no hang out, so you should leave.

Hey, yo, Vinnie, is-is that a dead guy?

No, this is just some...

...it's a patient of mine.

And he ain't dead?

How come his face is all covered up like that?

He's probably sick of looking at Vinnie.

What are you people doing here?

Oh, how do?

Oh, my, but that is a very smart outfit.

White.

Well, we came here because we wanna get a job

like our friend Vincent.

You do that at the personnel office.

Barbarino, I told you they need you in the operating room.

Barbarino, you're the only one on this floor

who can take care of these things, so do it.

Okay, fine.

Wow, okay, Vinnie, man, you're really a big man

around here, ain't you?

Yeah.

You got your own patients, huh?

Hey, look, do you think they put you in one of these

white suits for nothing?

Now, look, Vinnie, we came down here 'cause we wanted to fill

out applications to get a job just like you.

We figure all you gotta do is talk to somebody

in the front office and we're in.

[snaps]

Yeah, well, yeah, I could, but I don't know.

Hey, Vinnie, check it out. Just check it out.

All you gotta do is you just gotta go down there

and tell them that we do as good a job as you, man

and then we'd be over like fat rats in a cheese factory.

Yeah, yeah, I could do that

but it wouldn't be fair to you or the patients.

Vinnie, what are you trying to say? That you can't help us?

I'm not, look, I could help you, sure.

I mean, one word from me and boom you're in

like flint, alright?

I don't know, I feel a responsibility

to me and the patient as a medicinal person.

You know, I mean, look at this guy, look at this.

I mean, well, this guy, how would he feel if he knew that

the only chance he had was on a guy who got his job just because

he knew someone important, huh?

Yeah, I got you, I dig where you're coming from, Vinnie.

I've got it, man. Hey, y'all, Vinnie's right, man.

Hey, um, where do-where do we go, man

to get those doc-doctor applications?

Alright, you go down to the end of this corridor

you go downstairs to the bottom of the steps

you got a laundry room on your right, next to that

is a broom closet with a bunch of trash barrels.

Make a left, and it's down the hall, you cannot miss it.

Oh, boy, Vinnie.

You really know your way around here.

Yeah.

- Right on, man. - Thanks a lot, Vinnie.

Right on.

Okay, see you later, guys.

Hiya, Vinnie.

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Vinnie, I gotta talk to you.

- What about? - About quitting school.

Oh, gee, Mr. Kotter, you think it's the right decision?

Not me, Vinnie.

I wanna talk to you about you and the guys quittin' school.

Oh, that, yeah, the guys came in here this morning

lookin' for applications, ain't that great?

No, I don't think it's great, Vinnie.

Listen, can you take a minute off so we can talk?

Oh, yeah, sure, look, I make my own hours here.

Alright, come on, sit down.

Alright, now what can I do for you?

Vinnie, you know that the guys look up to you.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, they ain't no dummies.

Well, things have changed around the school, you see.

- I became vice principal. - Hey, yeah, I heard!

Hey, congratulations, right on, heavy duty stuff.

- Thank you, thank you. - No kidding. Really.

Thank you!

Now, as vice principal--

Yeah, I heard, congratulations!

Alright!

As vice principal, I'm in charge of discipline.

And if somebody does something wrong

I gotta reprimand them.

The guys don't understand this.

They think that I'm deserting them.

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Vinnie, I want you to talk to the guys about quittin' school.

It's gonna affect their whole life.

And if you said somethin'.

If you told them not to, they might listen.

Oh, I don't think I could do that. It'd be dishonest.

I'm not asking you to be dishonest, Vinnie.

I'm just asking you to tell 'em the facts.

Mr. Kotter, the facts are that I quit high school

and I got myself a good job with good pay.

That's another thing I wanna talk to you about.

You, my friend, are making a big mistake, too.

Hey, look, there ain't nothin' I learned in school

that's gonna help me with this here job.

Vinnie, if this is the kind of job you wanted to wind up with

you never had to go to school in the first place.

Now you tell me.

Vinnie, there's nothing wrong with doing this

it's honest work, but I think you're better than this.

Look, don't tell me what I'm better than.

Look, you ain't my teacher no more

so you just can't tell me what to do.

I'll see you later, Mr. Kotter.

Come on, come on, guys, Let's fill out these applications

and then the money's gonna start rollin' in.

Well, I don't know, man.

That lady in the personnel department

didn't seem too happy to see us.

Okay, here's the first question here.

"Do you have Social Security?"

Yes.

But only among close friends.

"How far have you gone in school?"

Not too far in school, but I had a couple of good nights

at the drive-in.

"What job are you applying for

and how much do you expect to make?"

Well, if I gotta guess what I'm gonna make

let them guess what I'm gonna do.

"Have you had any nursing experience?"

No.

I was a bottle baby.

Oh.

Here comes a hardy.

"High school graduated?" Huh?

Mmm. Just leave it blank.

- Yeah, that's it. - That's good, that's good.

"Previous employment."

Blank.

"Special skills.

"X-ray, lab technician

computer operations, clerical."

Blankety-blank-blank-blank.

"Chances of getting a job around here."

[all] Blank.

Mr. Howard, are you awake?

Yeah.

Good.

You're kinda late today, Vinnie. I didn't think you were coming.

Didn't think I was coming, are you kidding? Would I do that?

Look, how else would you get your baseball scores?

Alright, last night the Mets lost again.

Sorry to tell you this.

Bases loaded at ninth inning

two men out, they didn't score.

I can't do it, I would, I'd give you better news

but if those guys won't hit, you can't help it, you know?

How do you feel today?

Oh, not real good today, Vinnie.

You know why?

'Cause I've been putting stuff in your water.

Yeah. You would have been out of here

a week ago if it wasn't for me.

You're such a kidder.

Why would you want to keep an old grouch like me around here?

Well, why should I want you to go, you're my favorite patient.

I bet you say that to all your patients, Vinnie.

Well, almost all of 'em.

I was only kidding.

Look, no, the real reason is 'cause you're the only patient

that-that saves me their pudding.

Do you mind if I stick around and make your bed?

I love to make beds.

You know, it's really my favorite thing here.

Nurse Baker also says that I'm probably

the best bed maker she's got.

I even took bed in school.

See, the trick of all this

is that it's-it's in the wrists.

You see, like this. It's real finesse like.

You go like this. Let 'em wrung.

See, that's why they give you two

in case the first one gets dirty.

Yeah, you know what else, I also like up in the third floor

with-with all those little kids.

The other day, this little kid came in to see me

he had a, he had a broken leg, and he asked me

if I would sign, if I would sign his cast.

So, I signed it "Burt Reynolds."

Now you've gotta get the hospital corners.

The little kid next to him thought that

I really was Burt Reynolds, right?

So...

...I figured I'm kiddin' him, but what the heck, you know?

So...

You know, before I got this job, I couldn't even make a bed.

Mr. Howard, you sleepin'?

Mr. Howard, are you sleep--

Mr. Howard, are you okay?

[groaning]

Oh no.

Mr. Howard, you alright?

Oh no.

What do I do?

Nurse, doctor!

50 cc's adrenaline, stat.

How long has this man been like this?

I-I was just telling him a story, I was making the bed

right and then, and then I-I thought he was sleeping

I came over and then he started to moan

and that's when I ran and got you guys.

Why didn't you push the emergency button?

I didn't know where it was.

Everybody who works in this hospital

should know where that is.

Are you moving him to intensive care, doctor?

We can't move this patient yet.

- Barbarino? - Yes?

Get a crash cart down here immediately.

Right away.

Where is it?

It's down the hall.

What is it?

A crash cart, you idiot.

I'm so confused.

Nurse Baker, how's Mr. Howard?

He's gonna be fine.

I was, I was sort of worried about him, you know?

I know you were.

- Can I talk to you? - Yes, what is it?

Well, I feel like everything in there

was sort of my fault, you know?

I didn't know where the emergency button was

I didn't know where the crash cart was. It was so stupid.

Vinnie, everybody's stupid when they first start.

All you have to do is watch and learn.

Yeah, well, I don't think I can do that.

Vinnie, if you can learn in high school, you can learn here.

Yeah, well, I guess I gotta learn somewhere, you know?

So is Mr. Howard up, can I talk to him?

Yes, he was even talking when I left.

He didn't make much sense though.

He told me to say hello to Burt Reynolds.

- Thanks, Mrs. Baker. - Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, we need a little help, buddy.

Yeah, we're not having such good luck down there at personnel.

Oh, you guys are wasting your time.

Look, if you'd go down and put in a good word

for us we wouldn't have to waste any time.

Why do you even want this job?

To make a lot of cash money.

I make $68.50 a week and ten of that goes to Uncle Sam.

Oh, sure, you get your uncle a job here but not your friends.

Hey, Vinnie, check it out, man.

We wanna get a job here so we could get over like you, man.

Yeah, you know how I get over?

This is how I get over. Watch this.

I mop all day. You think you can do this, huh?

We could learn.

Yeah, well, this ain't the place to do it.

That's why they got schools and that's why

they got teachers like Kotter.

Man.

I have here before me your first assignment

which was to write a one page composition

on the most important current event during the summer.

And I am very happy to say that everybody handed one in.

Hey, a new record.

Yes, a new record.

Unfortunately, some of them are not acceptable.

Like this one over here by Richard.

"The most important current event during the summer.

I reached puberty."

And this one over here I don't understand at all.

"Eight hubcaps, three side-view mirrors

and one eight-track tape player."

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Kotter, I think

there's been a little mistake here.

Yeah, that's-that's not my homework.

That's my shopping list.

Here, here's my homework right here.

That's our homework right there.

Carvelli, do you really intend to steal these things?

I was gonna lease 'em.

I asked you a question, Carvelli.

Do you really intend to steal what's on that paper?

I refuse to answer that question

on the grounds I might incinerate myself.

He said we take the fifth.

Why don't you just take your seat, go ahead.

Sure. Was trying for a little bit of levity, Mr. Kotter.

We are not here to levitate, Carvelli.

Okay, now turn to page 23 in your work book.

But I don't wanna turn to page 23, Mr. Kotter.

See, those are the first two numbers of my

old man's prison uniform.

Alright, let's get something straight right now.

If you wanna get anything out of school

you gotta do the work.

You don't wanna do the work...

...I wanna tell you something.

What's out there can be pretty ugly.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Kotter.

See, I told you I should have been in front.

What are you guys doing here?

I miss my lucky chair.

And I just couldn't stay away, big buckaroo.

I guess I got chalk dust in my veins.

Hey, yo, check it out, Mr. Kotter, we decided

to give you one more chance.

Yeah, but this is your last chance 'cause if we're still

stupid next year, forget it.

Okay, now, your assignment for tomorrow

will be to read pages 32 through the end of the chapter

which is on page 58, and write a brief summary on them.

Mr. Kotter, I've gotta be excused from homework tonight.

I'm working at the hospital, night shift.

Yeah, Vinnie works much better after dark.

Vinnie, listen, if you really wanna be a doctor

I suggest that you finish school

so you better find some time to do your homework.

If this guy becomes a doctor

the newspaper's gonna need much bigger obituary columns.

Hey, let me tell you something.

Vinnie's gonna be a great doctor.

He already knows two things you can say to any patient.

"Where does it hurt?" And "That'll be $35."

Yeah, Vinnie might even find a cure for acne.

Okay, okay, that's enough. Let's get to work.

Yeah, well, we didn't come back to school to work

we came back for the annual Woodman lookalike contest.

Check it out, Mr. Woodman.

Kotter, I got good news for your class.

Flea collars are now coming out in school colors.

Hey, Freddie, Freddie, that was good.

But it wasn't surly enough. You gotta get real surly.

Kotter.

Let me say one thing, Kotter.

We're gonna fumigate the school.

So we have to get rid of the sweathogs for a week.

Understand that, Kotter?

I hate sweathogs, they're not people. They're little monsters.

They're little monsters, Kotter, they're just little monsters.

What's going on here, Kotter?

We have a winner!

[cheers and applause]

You little monsters.

Okay, everybody, turn to page 23

and welcome back.

[applause]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪♪