Original subtitles

[theme music]

Oh my!

What a sea of bright and shiny faces.

Well, come on, coming back to school isn't so bad.

We can all use the sleep.

[wheezy laughing]

Man, you know what I hate about the first day of school?

[Arnold] What?

It's too far away from the last day of school.

I love the first day of school.

It's the only day I don't gotta lie

about what I did yesterday.

Hey, where's Vinnie?

I don't know, Arnold.

I really haven't seen him in about a week.

Oh, don't worry, man. Vinnie, he's gonna be here.

Sometimes he just likes to straggle in a month or two late.

You know, Arnold, the old school still looks the same, don't it?

Yeah, just like they tore it down

but forgot to haul it away.

[sniffs] Gee, it even smells the same. Whoo, whoo.

Yeah, well that's either Epstein's old locker

or Mr. Kotter's old jokes.

Well, well, well, well, well, well.

Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

Have a nice summer vacation?

Oh, hello Mr. Washington.

Hi there.

Listen, I'm ready for a great school year!

Oh, that makes me feel so great, Mr. Washington.

Now, why don't you just have a seat right over there.

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir. - Okay. our lesson for today--

Will you shut up!?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Come on, sit down, everybody, let's go, go, go!

Move it, move it, move it!

I have a very important announcement to make.

You're in my chair, missy.

Relax, Epstein what's the difference?

What's the difference?!

This is the chair I flunked math.

This is the chair I flunked history.

This is the chair I flunked biology.

- So? - So, it's my lucky chair.

Miss, if you're not terribly attached to this chair

would you mind sitting somewhere else?

As you can see, this young man is slightly disturbed.

Sit down, Epstein, sit down, sit down.

You got your chair, you feel okay?

Ah, that's much better.

- Can I continue? - Oh, please do.

- Please do. - Okay.

Now, as I said, I have an announcement to make.

Another announcement, you never finished the last one.

- This is the last one! - Alright everybody.

Mr. Kotter's gonna make his last announcement! Yeah!

[clapping and cheering]

Thank you Freddie Washington and the Buchanan brass.

Now, can I continue?

Certainly.

I'd like to say that there are worse things in life

than listening to my announcements.

And here comes two of them now.

Murray and Carvelli, what are you guys doing here?

They cleaning out your cages over at your school?

Hey, how about that, a joke from the human brillo pad.

He said he got a joke from a human brillo pad.

Ah, what are you guys doing here?

Yeah, you see, we got transferred, it's all in there.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I'm sorry I'm late.

You see, I had to help my aunt throw some stuff

out of the apartment.

Two chairs and my uncle.

He said he's talking 'bout two chairs--

I heard what he said, Murray.

Alright, Carvelli, why don't you and your echo find a seat.

So, what are they doing here, Mr. Kotter.

Well, it looks like they moved into

the Buchanan school district.

So, why'd you move?

Vigilantes?

[laughing]

Oh no!

It just so happens, Arnold...

...that the city tore down the building where I live.

Now ain't that just like the city?!

They tear down a perfectly good building

and they leave you standing.

Hey, you think I gotta sit here and get

insulted by you, Washington?

Yeah, you think he got to sit there

and get insulted by you, Washington?

Alright, alright, look!

That's enough.

That is enough, you understand Carvelli?

Yeah, you wanna know what I understand?!

Any time, any three of you guys

I'll take all three outside and personally

switch your noses.

Yeah, Carvelli said he'll

put your nose on him

and your nose on him, and your nose on...

Hey, Carvelli, I think we gonna have

one nose left over.

[laughing]

That's it!

I have an announcement to make.

Is this announcement gonna be good news?

Yes and no.

Oh wow, man, then you better give us

the bad news first.

Boy, that was fast.

May I have your attention please?

[students] No.

Thank you.

I would like to make an announcement.

When I started teaching here we had 73 teachers.

By the second year 23 of them left

to go into other occupations.

Oh, oh, oh, call on me!

I know this one, call on me!

I do, I know this one, I do!

Oh, call on me please, call on me!

What is it?

Is this the one where you have to guess

the age of the bus driver?

This is not a riddle, Arnold.

This is an announcement, you are a riddle.

The announcement is that I am the new

principal of Buchanan high school.

Oh, tell me it isn't so!

Wait, wait, wait a minute man.

What happened to principal Lazarus?

He got an easier job.

Warden at a high security prison.

Principal Lazarus retired.

The school board in its infinite wisdom

selected the most talented, the most capable

and the most able man for the job.

Oh, so where is he?

I'm going around making this announcement

to all the classes Kotter, and I thought

I'd start at the bottom.

Oh, Mr. Woodman.

Let me be the first one to congratulate you.

Thank you.

And I'm happy to see that

success has not gone

to your head.

In fact, I don't see it

in any part of your body.

Sit down!

I would also like to announce...

No, no! No, I'll do it!

You wanna tell 'em that you're the new vice principal?

What?

You did it, you had to come in here and do it!

You had to come in here and blow my whole surprise!

Wow, Mr. Kotter, man, is that true?

You're the new VP?

Yeah, yeah, that's the announcement I was gonna make.

But I'm also gonna be teaching this class and a few others.

Well, congratulations to you.

You're the first one of us to make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A mazel tov on your face.

This is great, really, really great.

What's so great about it?

Well, they're happy Mr. Woodman.

You remember the way you were when you were named

poster boy for poison oak?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, I get it, you punks are delighted

because you think you have a friend in high places.

- I never said that! - Well, now that you say that.

I didn't see it like that.

I said it!

[Arnold and Freddie] Said what?

Now that you're partner in crime

is the vice principal, you think you can get away

with anything you want!

The possibilities are mind boggling.

How's it going, Kotter?

Smooth, under control.

Just give it time, Kotter.

That's what general Custer said.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Surprise!

What is going on here?

We got you presents.

A matching set of dummies.

It was the strangest thing, Mr. Kotter.

We were all just sitting around

when suddenly Carvelli says

"I think I'd like to tie myself up."

That's right Mr. Kotter, and then Murray said

"I think I'd like to tie myself up, too."

Alright, alright, now untie Carvelli and Murray

and I want you guys to meet me in the vice principal's office

in five minutes.

[door closes]

Excited Mr. Kotter.

So this is what the new vice principal's office looks like?

- This is all right. - Aha, aha.

Very nice layout ya got here, very nice.

Well, I for one am very impressed.

Why thank you, Arnold.

Why, to get an office like this I too

might step on some of the little people.

Why did you guys pull a cheap trick like that?

Come on, Mr. Kotter, it was only Carvelli and Murray.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, it's not like we tied up real people.

Well, you guys broke the rules of the school.

You gotta suffer the consequences.

These are detention slips.

I'm giving you detention for one week.

[all] Ohh!

You almost fooled us!

Oh, wow!

I get it, I get it, you're joke

is much funnier than our joke.

[laughing]

Sure, sure. I get it, Mr. Kotter, here you go.

No joke, Epstein.

Scotch tape this back together and report

to the detention hall after your last period.

Are you for real?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, look.

I get that all of a sudden you ain't one of us anymore.

You're one of them.

I never thought you'd turn into a "them"

Mr. Kotter.

Hey, wow, man. You're deserting us.

Guys, I'm not deserting you at all.

I just have to do my job as vice principal.

Are you dropping out on us, Mr. Kotter?

Look, I'm not doing anything of the kind.

I'm gonna be here whenever you need me.

Well, what happens, uh, if we

ain't gonna be here when you need us?

That's right, you wanna drop out on us

well, we can drop out on you too.

I'mma tell you something, man

I was thinking of quitting anyhow.

Right, and as a matter of fact

I was thinking about dropping out

three years ago.

- I guess I was too. - There it is.

All this is happening because I gave you detention?

That ain't the reason, Mr. Kotter.

We in trippin' over that, man.

The thing is that is if we used to get

in trouble or something like that before

you used to cover for us with Mr. Woodman.

But now, you are Mr. Woodman.

So you're gonna drop out of school, huh?

What are you gonna do? Where are you gonna go?

Don't worry about it, we can all find jobs.

What kind of jobs?

We can get good jobs for big bucks.

That's right!

That's right, you tell him Freddie.

Well, um, okay personally, I ain't got no job right now

but I-but I guarantee you this much, man.

I'mma be rich and famous in three years.

What a coincidence, just the same amount of time

it took you to pass geometry.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Look guys, if you wanna do anything with your life

you gotta get a high school diploma

and the only place you can get that is right here.

Oh great, we'll be by this afternoon to pick it up!

It's not that simple, Epstein!

You gotta earn it.

I knew there was a catch.

Look, you know, I can make some big speech

but I'm gonna just tell you the truth the way it is.

You gotta stay in school and that's all there is to it.

Well, we are quitting school and that's all there is to that.

That's right, that's all there is to that.

I guess that's all there is to that.

Look, guys, I'm the vice principal now.

If you guys do something wrong I gotta reprimand you.

But also as vice principal I can help you.

Like, if you need some work experience

I can help you get that experience.

Oh wow, Mr. Kotter, you're gonna tell me

you're telling us that you can go out and get us jobs, man?

No, no, I can't get you jobs on the outside, Freddie.

That's not what I said but there are jobs

right here in school that have to be done.

Yeah, sure, sure, like what?

Like what? There's dozens! You could work in the cafeteria!

What could we do there?

Lots of things, you can clean up

you can serve lunch to the kids.

Great, and after lunch we get to

scrape it off the cook.

You don't like the cafeteria

you can work in the school store

there's visual aids, you can run the projector.

And what do you get for that?

You get credit, Arnold.

It counts like going to a regular class.

Hey, hey what do you say you guys?

A class where there's no tests.

No homework, no teachers, no offense.

No offense taken, Arnold.

You learn what it's like to have a business.

You deal with customers, you take inventory

and most important of all, you get that diploma.

What do you say?

We'll stay if there's no detention.

Three days detention.

One day firm.

Two days that's my final offer.

You got yourself a deal.

[honks]

Hi there.

Who's responsible for this?

My man, Mr. Kotter.

I don't want any sweat hogs in my school store.

It's bad enough I have one as vice principal.

Well, perhaps you'd like to speak to the head

of our complaint department.

[dings]

So, what's the problem?

The problem is I think I'm losing my mind.

Sorry, we don't handle small appliances.

Ha-ha!

[honks]

Monsters!

Kotter! Kotter!

Well, well, well.

Hey look, Murray, it's our punch and jewy.

[honks]

[honks]

Hey, Murray Murray, once is enough.

You guys got a nice little setup here.

It's cute, you know, little bells but what you need

is something you can make a little money on, you know

a little Christmas club money, you know?

Yeah, like what?

Just so happens, I got the most extensive

line of auto parts in all of Brooklyn.

If I don't have it, just show me where it's parked.

Alright, listen Carvelli, we have no intention of--

Right, what Horshack is saying we have no intentions

of letting you down. We'll see you on your offer, right?

Now look we like, oh, he said he'd like

to start with some mad wheels.

Beautiful, write this down, Murray.

The racing car type, you got those?

- The round ones? - Yeah, the ovals, right okay.

- Could they be steel belted? - Hey, no problem.

I knew you could do it, alright and we want them in

raised white letter, you got that?

- Beautiful choice. - Okay.

- There's one more thing though. - One more.

Yeah, we want you to get them off a moving car.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh no! Oh no!

You guys are wasting my time, you know that?

Come on, Murray!

[Epstein] You ought to be in pictures.

You ought to be a star!

Juan Epstein, tell me about it.

Juan Epstein's my name, visual aids is my game.

- Let me take a spin. - Oh, sure, sure.

Check it out, check it out.

Hey, hey, don't monkey with it, don't monkey with it.

Took me hours to learn how to use this machine.

Oh, come on, man, can you really work that thing?

Oh, sure, sure I can.

I just ran this-this film over here for biology class.

- Which one is that? - This one right over here.

See what you started, Kotter?

Monkeys! The school is being run by monkeys!

Alright, what's going on here?

What do you mean what's going on here?

I'm showing a film, can't you see?

Look at this! Look!

Come here!

Look what your little creepy crawlies are doing!

Look at that store! This projector!

They're destroying school property!

You gave them these jobs, Kotter.

This is your responsibility!

I want this mess cleaned up!

Now, get it, get it done now. Right now Kotter!

Woo, boy that little midget still got a lot of fight

left in him, check him out! Ha-ha.

Mr. Woodman is right.

- What? - What?

Mr. Woodman is 100% right.

You guys are destroying school property.

Come on, Mr. Kotter, I can roll this film up blind folded.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, we'll take care of that mess.

- We'll clean it up. - Look!

That's not the point and you know it.

Hey, come on Mr. Kotter, it's not like

this is "Gone With The Wind."

It's just some crummy nature film.

"The Armadillo Nature's Little Tank."

Alright, I want you to clean everything up inside the store

I want you to clean the projector and the film up

and I want you all to meet me in my office in five minutes.

Your office?

Yeah, yeah, you know.

His highness, the vice principal's office, right?

Oh boy, Mr. Kotter.

You really have gone over to the other side.

It's a sad day in Brooklyn.

Hey!

Hey guys, Mr. Kotter, how's it going?

Hiya, Vinnie, where you've been.

- How you doing? - What's happening Vinnie?

Check it out!

You dig my new threads, huh?

Where'd you get the money to buy those new clothes, Vinnie?

I got a job.

- You got a job?! - Yeah.

Look man, I quit school, I'm through with it now.

I got me a good job in a county hospital.

- You don't say! - Vinnie, congratulations!

Hey Vinnie, man, how'd you get a job in a hospital?

You got experience in doctor stuff?

Nah, just... I just walked in I got this terrific job.

Vinnie, what kind of job do you get by

just walking in and asking for it?

You mean you didn't have to play store?

What are you talking about?

You mean to tell me you didn't have to wheel

around a projector for a year?

Vinnie, this job, is there any room for advancement?

- What kind of money you making? - Money, check this out.

Alright, 47 big ones.

- Wow! - Look at that!

Yeah, wow, that's almost a million dollars.

Gee, how do you like that?

We get credit and Vinnie gets cash.

Vinnie, you still didn't tell us what kind of job you got.

Oh, he's in a bummer. Come on, take you guys out for pizza.

Yeah, I don't gotta take this negativity.

From now on you can consider me out to lunch.

Permanently.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, Horshack.

I guess I'll be seeing you, Mr. Kotter.

Wait a minute, you guys are making a big mistake here.

You just say goodbye to my lucky chair.

[honks]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ and I... ♪♪