Original subtitles

Julie, come on, the girls are fine.

The movie starts in ten minutes.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Bruce

who was a dress salesman?

One year, he goes to this buyer.

He shows him his merchandise and the buyer says

"Well, I'm not gonna buy any of your dresses

but I wish there was 100 like you."

next year he goes back same buyer

he looks at him, he says, "Well,

"I'm not gonna buy any of your dresses

but I wish there was 100 like you."

my uncle says, "How come every year I come here

"you don't buy anything and you say

you wish there was 100 like me?"

and the buyer says, "Because there's 1,000 like you."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[rain splattering]

[thunder rumbling]

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, are you alright? You look a little depressed.

What's the matter, weather got you down?

It's not the weather, Kotter.

My life.

Dull, dreary, depressing.

Believe me, Kotter, being alive is overrated.

Yeah, but try telling that to a dead person.

I never thought I'd wind up like this

a wart on the face of life.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, you're being too hard

on yourself.

I wouldn't call you a wart.

Maybe a cold sore.

It's a shame, Kotter, I never followed

my true calling.

I was gonna be a fancy Park Avenue podiatrist.

Really, you wanted to be a foot doctor?

I loved feet, Kotter.

Just couldn't stand socks.

Gee, I hope little Juan does okay

at new Utrecht.

These exchange programs, man.

I mean, we have to have an exchange program

why it got to be with new Utrecht?

Why can't it be someplace out of town?

Like Sweden.

Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, is it...

...is it true what they say about Swedish girls?

- What? - You know!

That they, uh...

...that they make great meatballs?

[bell ringing]

Hey, little buddy!

Socks.

Stood between me and happiness.

Okay, now open your books to page 34.

Now we read this chapter already, but it seems...

Okay, Kotter, your exchange students

the infamous Carvelli and Murray

greet 'em and weep.

Oh, come on!

Mr. Kotter, how come we send one person over

and they send us back two?

That's 'cause it takes Murray and Carvelli both

to add up to be one whole person!

Yeah, Washington?

Well, how would you like to have part of your face

subtracted?

How would you like to have your nose

subdivided?

Here, Kotter, I made up a list of numbers you may need.

Police department, SWAT team.

National Guard.

If all else fails, suicide hotline.

If you need me, I'll be in the cafeteria

stringing barbed wire.

Okay, okay, okay.

I think we all know each other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately.

Yeah, unfortunately.

Alright, why don't you guys take a seat?

Okay.

I'll take this one.

Horshack.

Get up.

You can't have my chair.

This couldn't be your chair

because it doesn't have any training wheels.

You hear that, Horshack?

Carvelli said it can't be your chair

'cause it ain't got training wheels.

Hey, Murray, how would you like to land

in your potty seat?

Ha-ha-ha!

That's enough.

Carvelli, you sit down right over there

and Murray, you sit down over here.

Hey, Carvelli.

I heard that your homecoming queen

was late for school yesterday

'cause she had to be wormed.

Hey, man.

She was lucky.

She was lucky, the runner-up

had to be put to sleep.

Hey, Carvelli.

Why don't you sell me some of your home-grown potatoes?

Where am I gonna get home-grown potatoes?

Why don't you look in your ear?

Now, look, Carvelli and Murray are gonna be here

for a week.

Now this is a classroom, not a gang war, alright?

Let's straighten out.

- No more insults. - Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter.

One more.

Did you hear me, Carvelli, I said no more.

Come on, a little one.

Sit down, Carvelli.

I am sitting.

I sit very tall.

Just another little one.

Hey, Kotter, I got 20

says you break 200 by Friday.

Alright. Now these test results were not great

but they were encouraging.

Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, they're here.

The intergalactic visitors.

They've landed.

They Yorkslites have landed.

The Yorkslites have landed.

See, he saw it too.

Think they must have landed on your head.

Put my man Carvelli down.

He's having a close encounter of the fourth kind.

Hey, guys, last night I had a close encounter.

It was with Dolores.

But I couldn't get past the first kind.

He ain't talkin' about girls, fool.

Talkin' about an encounter with another planet.

Murray, Murray, cool it

I told you, this is between me and the Yorkslites.

What are you talking about?

Yorkslites.

They landed on my roof last night.

Have you been sampling glue again, Carvelli?

Hey, what they do, man?

They stop by to sell you some goggles?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I forgot I had these on, you see

they made me wear 'em for the trip last night.

You know, when you go through radiation

the isotopes get inverted

and you could get retina burnout.

Did you hear that?

Carvelli said the isotope--

Murray, Murray.

They heard me. They heard me.

Alright, alright, now back here on Earth

we're about to discuss the test results

so sit down.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I want to hear more about these Yorkslites.

[in unison] Yeah.

Are they all the same or do they come

in your choice of decorative colors?

Well, did y'all hear Horshack or didn't you?

Do they come in different colors?

Alright, Carvelli, you got 30 seconds, go.

Alright, okay, I'll try not to be

too technical.

Okay, last night, I was sittin' in my room

when all of a sudden, somebody turns on

this giant magnet and I'm sucked up

into a spaceship.

Now, come on, Carvelli, now

how anybody gonna believe that some giant magnet came

and sucked somebody off into a ship?

That's the first thing I asked them

when I got on board.

It works on the fillings in your teeth.

Anyways, ten seconds later, I'm on the planet Yorksl.

There's more.

There's more, they're coming back for me.

They're coming back on Zoyel.

Zoyel?

Did I say Zoyel?

Yeah, you said Zoyel.

I said Zoyel.

It's all their language, it's all so new to me.

Zoyel, Hern, Loisch.

In English.

That's tomorrow night.

Carvelli, will you sit down before your Zoyel

gets caught in your Hern?

Don't you care?

Don't you care that Yorksl is dying?

They're in desperate need of something

and Earth is the only place they can get it.

Look, I'm telling ya, I don't care what they need

if you don't shut up, I'm gonna take ya

to Woodman's office.

Belts.

The Yorkslites need belts.

That's it, let's go. Come on.

No, no, for 400 years, they've been walking around

with their pants around their ankles.

Carvelli, let's go, come on!

Let's go!

Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I liked it.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Murray.

I hope Carvelli don't tell Mr. Woodman that story.

He don't believe in life on this planet.

Alright, alright, quiet.

Let's go.

Quiet, come on, come on.

We still got some time left.

[bell ringing]

- Bye. - Buh-bye.

Yo, Mr. Kotter.

What happened with Mr. Woodman?

Well, I left as soon as Carvelli

took out a banana and told Woodman

it was a Yorkslite wallet.

A banana?

That is so stupid.

A banana don't even have a place to hold pictures.

You know something, Mr. Kotter.

When Mr. Woodman gets through with him

Carvelli's gonna need himself

an ear transplant.

Either that or he's gonna have to get himself

a hearing ear dog.

Hey, guys, you know what?

Maybe Woodman will give him a because it's

be kind to stupid people week.

Alright, alright, what are you doin'

don't you have a class to go to?

I'm free this period.

Go ahead, next class.

- Okay, see you Mr. Kotter. - Bye-bye.

Hey, don 't take any Yorkslite nickels.

Yorkslite.

Zoyel.

Hern.

Podiatrist.

Carvelli.

Ah, Mr. Woodman.

Did you straighten out Carvelli?

It's amazing, Kotter.

Truly amazing.

Wasn't that the wildest story

you've ever heard in your life?

Yeah.

The only thing I can't figure out

is why the Yorkslites picked Carvelli.

Well, that's becau...

Anyway, I'm glad you sent him to me.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have known about

tomorrow night's landing.

Mr. Woodman, you got to be kidding me

you can't believe Carvelli's story.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, you say. Ha-ha!

Earthlings are so naive.

I believed in UFOs for years, Kotter.

I mean, how else can you account for those

unexplained phenomena?

The Bermuda Triangle?

The Sex Pistols.

Chuck Barris.

You believe in UFOs?

You, a man who thought electricity was a fad?

Go ahead, Kotter, make jokes.

Look at this.

I clipped this out of the "Midnight Star"

two years ago.

That's the only paper left in the country

you can believe.

"Louisiana couple sucked into spaceship

by fillings in teeth."

See? Matches Carvelli's story.

They're back.

I want to thank you again.

You sent me Carvelli.

You gave me hope.

To carry on.

♪ You light up my life ♪

♪ You give me hope ♪

♪ Carry on ♪♪

I don't know.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Man, you gots to do something.

I mean, Carvelli's making the whole school

look stupid!

Yeah, and I'm tired of looking like a fool.

I can get that at home.

You know what I can't believe is that Woodman

is swallowing this whole thing.

Oh, yeah? You know what's even worse than that?

Know what's even worse than that?

He's lettin' Carvelli use the schoolyard

for the landin'!

And that's crazy.

The schoolyard is a towaway zone.

[knock on door]

Mr. Woodman.

Can't stay long, Kotter, I got a flight to catch,

I'm off to Yorksl.

Uh...

you think six towels will be enough, Julie?

Why bring them, Mr. Woodman?

Steal them from the Yorksl Hilton.

Mr. Woodman, you show up there tomorrow night

they won't tale you to Yorksl

they'll take you to the State Home.

It's okay, he's already packed.

Mr. Woodman, okay, okay.

What if this thing is true, alright?

I saw this movie once where it was about this planet

that was run by a bunch of ugly monsters, okay?

And they had this earthling on it like someone

like yourself, and...

...they ate him.

Course, you'd probably make 'em sick.

Yeah, think about it, Mr. Woodman.

You could end up on a Yorkslite menu.

Filet of old.

Alright, guys, come on, come on.

Julie and I would like to speak

to Mr. Woodman.

Well, Mr. Woodman, good luck, you know.

Just remember, Earth may be losing

a vice principal, but Yorksl

is gainin' a midget.

See you later.

- Bye. - Bye.

Okay, Mr. Woodman, now the guys are gone.

You don't really believe all this stuff, do you?

Why not?

I have nothing to lose, other than more

miserable years teaching savages.

And who knows?

On Yorksl, I might even be tall.

Mr. Woodman.

Look whose word you're taking for this, Carvelli's.

Look, the Yorkslites trust him.

I trust him too, Kotter.

Oh, Julie, I want you to have these.

The keys to my car.

Mr. Woodman, I cannot take...

it sticks a little in third gear

but just hit the clock.

Well.

I guess that's about it. I, uh...

I know you think I'm crazy, but Carvelli told me

how much they pay vice principals up there.

While you're slaving away for peanuts

I will be getting 5,000 gretnas a week!

I think he's finally lost it.

I don't know, Julie.

5,000 gretnas.

That's a lot of shmoyletten.

Alright, alright, countdown starts in five minutes.

Don't forget to get your souvenirs.

The more you buy, the more the Yorkslites

are gonna like you.

Balloons.

Bumper stickers. You'll get your Corksil

when you see Yorksl, don't moan or groan

'cause we ain't alone.

Alright, now ladies and gentlemen

could I have your attention, please?

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration

in cooperation with Carvelli Enterprises

is pleased to present an evening with Yorksl.

But first, I'd like to, uh, to introduce

the brave man who's gonna be making

the return trip

the vice principal of Buchanan,

and former safety officer on the Hindenburg

here's Woodman!

Ready for blast-off, Carvelli.

Yeah, I can see that, Mr. Woodman.

I got a question for you, though.

What's in the bag?

Linguini and white clam sauce, garlic bread

and a carafe of chablis, I didn't know

whether they served dinners on the flight.

Got no silverware?

Don't need any.

In space, the food just floats into your mouth.

Oh, yeah, hey, Murray.

It's about that time, why don't you, uh

start the countdown?

One.

Two, three...

Murray, Murray, Murray.

You're counting the wrong way, Murray.

That's why you're not coming with me.

Alright, come on now, here.

Five, four, three,

two, one...

Well, that concludes the landing portion

of this evening's show, thank you very much

for your support, and there will always be

a Yorkslite on your porch light.

You know, it looks like to me, Carvelli

that you rippin' these people off.

Aw, what's the matter, you guys upset

'cause I made your whole school look foolish?

You ain't gettin' away with it, Carvelli.

- That's right. - Yeah?

Alright, alright, look. Calm down.

Violence never solved anything.

We don't want to solve anything, Mr. Kotter.

We just want to hurt him. Stop me.

Come on. Look, guys. Take it easy.

Everything's gonna be alright. So...

[high-pitched electronic shrill]

[deep gurgling]

They're here.

They must've been held up in traffic.

["5th symphony" by Beethoven]

Carvelli.

It is time to depart.

Huh?

Yorksl awaits you, Carvelli.

Are... are you talking to me?

You must be punished.

Punished? Hey, look, it was just a joke.

There is no humor on Yorksl.

Only torture.

And dancing.

Look, look, I didn't hurt anybody and I thought...

Look, hey, look, you want the money?

Here, take the money, whatever you need, look.

Just don't do nothing to me, alright?

Alright.

[all laughing]

Hey, Carvelli. Hey, Carvelli, what happened?

She out scammed your scheme.

Hey, Carvelli.

May the force be up your nose!

Carvelli, Carvelli was goin', "Oh, it was only a joke

believe me."

Alright, alright, come on, that's enough.

Who is this chick?

Oh, this is my wife, Julie.

That's where you're wrong, honey.

I am from Yorksl

and it is time for me to depart.

Take me with you.

Please?

Oh.

Alright.

You look like a nice enough little feller.

Wow, look, check it out.

They're talkin' off.

- Yeah, without a spaceship. - How did they do that?

My wife.

The Yorkslite.

Kotter?

Oh, Mr. Woodman.

I'm sorry.

I was daydreaming.

Well, not on company time, Kotter.

I thought you believed Carvelli's story

and you and Julie went to Yorkslite with him.

Well, I don't blame Julie for wanting to go.

You never take her anywhere.

You get it, Kotter?

Oh, Kotter.

By the way.

The next time you dream, dream of a raise in pay.

It's the only time you're gonna get one!

Hey, Freddie, how you doin'?

Hey, what's happening, Mr. Kotter?

Come on, you coming in?

No, I'm gonna catch up with you in a minute, alright?

- Okay, good. - Wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.

Hold up, hold up.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Mabel?

- No, you never did. - I never... ooh.

That's the ugliest woman in the world

that I ever saw!

How ugly is she?

Man, she's so ugly that my uncle

bought her a rubber pillow.

Why'd he buy her a rubber pillow?

'cause he wanted to see if she could erase her face.

[laughing]

Bought her a rubber pillow...

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think... ♪♪