Original subtitles

Honey, did I ever tell you about my uncle Milton the Medium?

Medium rare?

So funny--

No, he was a famous spiritualist.

Every Friday night he would have a seance.

They would join hands and try to contact the spirit world.

Did he have any luck?

Well, one night, they're all joining hands

and they were trying to contact the spirit world.

And Milton said, "I feel a spirit in the room.

Come forth, spirit."

The spirit says, "Okay, I'm here.

My name is Max."

And Milton said, "In life, Max, what did you do?"

And the spirit said, "I was a waiter."

And Milton said, "Come closer, Max."

And Max said, "I can't, it's not my table."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Now... the eruption of Mount Vesuvius

was one of the great natural disasters of all time.

Who can name another natural disaster?

Juan.

Arnold?

No, I want youto name a natural disaster.

I did. Arnold.

[laughing]

- Yeah, yeah. - I'm a natural disaster, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This from a man whose socks burst into tears

every time they pass a laundry mat.

Hey, hey, guy, my socks don't cry.

They're men.

Now, who else wants to say somethin' about my socks?

Sit down, sit down.

Alright, we're talkin' about natural disasters.

Now, I'd like someone to give me...

You mean, earthquakes for example.

Quiet, Vinnie. What's your...

Very good, Vinnie.

I didn't know that you knew about earthquakes.

I know a whole lotabout 'em.

Well, good, tell us something.

What?

What do you know about earthquakes?

Which ones do you know about?

The third one.

Did anyone do their homework last night?

I did my homework, Mr. Kotter.

Yeah, what'd you study?

Eye shadow through the ages?

Beauty is a gift.

It requires maintenance.

Hey, I know about... I know where you're comin' from.

Epstein's got a gardener that comes in twice a week

to weed out his hair.

[laughing]

A gardener won't do it.

What he needs is an exterminator.

Douh, douh.

That's enough douhing.

Laura, what did you do your homework on?

Herself.

It's her favorite subject.

Actually, Mr. Kotter, I studied all about natural disasters.

You know, how to survive in them

what kind of foods to eat, things we never thought

were edible before.

Like what, mascara?

[laughter]

No, like tree barks and wild roots.

Oh! Ooh!

Hey, Freddie, did you have your wild roots today?

I don't use wild roots no more.

I use Afro Sheen.

Alright, alright, alright.

Come on, let's not make fun of Laura

just 'cause she did her homework.

Alright, let's make fun of her for something else.

Okay, how 'bout her nose?

It's too small.

Arnold, give her some nose.

[bell ringing]

Alright, alright, now everybody

I want your homework tomorrow.

- Yes, sir! - Yes, sir!

You got it, right after we finish going to Coney Island.

Coney Island can wait.

Oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not this time.

This time, they got a new attraction.

Half man, half woman.

Yeah, the sign outside that says, uh

"He can't keep his hand of herself."

Laura, can I see you a minute?

- Sure. - Uh...

That's a very interesting topic you picked about

natural disasters, you know, how to survive.

Thank you.

Uh...

But, I'd like to talk to you about

putting make up on in class.

It's distracting the rest of the students.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Kotter.

Next time you come to school, leave the Avon lady at home.

Okay, you see I, I only meant to...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I... Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't look fine, you look-you look kinda pale.

Well, I'm having trouble...

Laura, Laura!

Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura, are you okay?

Laura!

Kotter, what are you doing?

Leave that child alone!

You okay?

What happened?

Why are you kissing me?

I've learned to live with my loneliness.

Why can't you?

Come on, Laura, try to get up.

Try to get up.

Mr. Woodman, Laura fainted.

Well, of course she fainted.

Who wouldn't with a 200 pound ox on top of her?

You won't get away with this.

Mr. Woodman, you got it all wrong.

She-she couldn't breathe. I was tryin' to help her.

What happened?

- What happened, Laura-- - What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

Teacher goes berserk, film at 11.

Mr. Woodman, that's not true.

Is it, Laura?

Well, I, I don't know, I, I only remember that Mr. Kotter

asked me to stay alone after class--

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Alright, Kotter, I've got you now.

I'm gonna make two phone calls

the school board and The National Enquirer.

I know the untold story.

- Laura, come on-- - Back, Kotter, back!

Haven't you had enough?

- Laura, tell him what-- - Stay away, Kotter!

I have a whistle in my pocket.

Honey, nobody at Buchanan takes Woodman seriously.

It's why they made him Vice Principal.

You're right, it's just that the whole thing

is so ridiculous.

Best thing to do is just put it out of my head.

Right.

Not that it matters, honey, but, how pretty is this girl?

She's very pretty, why?

It's really funny that the homely girls

never seem to faint.

They do, but nobody pays any attention.

Why am I doing jokes?

Julie, I just don't know what happened.

One minute she was fine.

She was putting on make up in the middle of the class

and the next minute she falls down in front of me, why?

Maybe her make up was too heavy.

Look, I'm sure by now Laura's told Woodman everything.

You think so?

Sure, the whole thing's ridiculous.

You're right, the whole thing's ridiculous.

I mean, a paramedic gets paid for what I did.

They'll probably give me a metal.

Right, either that or they'll bronze your lips.

Honey, why don't you go say goodnight to the girls?

Yeah, okay.

Just don't kiss them.

They have colds, remember?

[knocking]

We heard what happened.

Not a pretty picture.

Everything going okay between you and the old man?

Yeah.

We just want Mr. Kotter to know that we believe

he would never do anything bad.

But then we're just innocent children...

...like Laura used to be.

How could he do this to me?

I didn't even date her yet.

Look, guys, this is not funny!

You are talking about the molester I love.

[sniggers] Now, that's funny.

We just want Mr. Kotter to know that we gonna stand behind him.

Because we know that he would never do so dastardly a deed.

Hi, guys.

[all] Shame on you!

Guys, quit it.

Now, believe it or not, Gabe is very upset

by this ridiculous accusation.

He's upset?

Baby's havin' a tantrum.

Who's Baby?

Well, that's Laura's younger brother.

Yeah, we come by to tell you that he's on his way over here.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I mean, I'll buy him an ice cream cone.

I'm very good with kids.

[knocking]

Julie, did you send out for a long showmen?

That's Baby.

Good luck.

[laughing]

Hey, w-where are you guys goin'?

[Freddie] Goin' to the pool room, baby.

Movies, gotta go to the movies.

Library.

Hey, Baby, how are you?

Look, if you wanna change your diaper, don't worry about it

'cause they got, they got twins here.

Oh, so your Laura's brother, Baby.

Um... come in.

Gee, don't you, uh, don't you have any winter clothes?

These are my winter clothes.

What do you wear in the summer time?

Sunglasses.

Well, Baby, can I offer you something?

A tire?

Would you like a new set of luggage to jump on?

I'd like to jump on your face.

Oh, come on, you're much too intelligent for that.

Let's-let's talk about it.

Yeah.

I let my arms do all the talking.

Here.

"Born to kill?"

Oh, here's a great one.

"Honk if you like bleeding."

And it's really-it's really a nice touch

how his freckles dot the I's.

Hey, look, what'd you do to my baby sister, huh?

I didn't do anything to your sister.

Didn't she tell you what happened?

Well, she's not home yet.

What?

You mean you didn't talk to her?

Well, didn't it occur to you to talk to her

before you go around threatening people?

No.

Well, it should have.

That's right, it should have.

Well, it didn't.

Listen, you Missing Link, I've had enough of this.

You are not a guest.

You are not a friend.

You are not even a person.

Get out!

Out, now!

Does this mean I gotta leave?

It certainly does mean you have to leave

before I make a rug out of you.

Out!

Out!

Alright, Julie, I'll take it from here.

Oh, honey, I just love it when I see that streak

of meekness in your eyes.

[banging]

Meekness?

I'll show you meekness.

Alright, listen to me, you grunt.

You keep your hairy meat hooks off my door.

You know what you are, you're nothin' but a parasite

living off the emotions of decent people.

Kotter, how did you know it was me?

Hi, Mr. Woodman, just drop by to heckle the molester?

No, actually I have some good news.

Oh, yeah, what happened, did you get Laura to press charges?

No, as a matter of fact, she refuses to lodge

a criminal complaint.

What'd I tell ya, honey?

I also have some bad news.

I'm afraid Lazarus got wind of what happened.

I wonder who blew that wind by him?

Come on, Kotter, I know I threatened you this afternoon

but everyone knows I thrive on threatening people.

You're a charming man, Mr. Woodman.

Thank you, Julie, but it won't help him.

Lazarus is bringing you before the board tomorrow morning.

He got the girl to make a sworn statement.

What could she swear to?

"Mr. Kotter asked me to stay after class.

"The last thing I remember was he put his arms around me.

When I woke up, he was bending over, trying to kiss me."

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not all bad, Kotter.

You may teach again, somewhere.

Maybe at one of those little one room schools

along the Alaskan pipeline.

I understand they're not too fussy.

[laughing]

Hey, Judy.

Don't touch me, stay away from me!

You just keep your mouth to yourself!

I see you heard the news.

Heard about it?

I know.

I've been there many times myself

a poor, defenseless sex object like me.

Everybody knows you're a sex object, Judy.

We just can't figure out to who.

Are you kidding?

Inside this gorgeous body lives a person.

Yeah when we find her, we're gonna tell her

she picked a bad location.

I'm sorry, Judy, I'm just a little tense.

[Judy] Yeah.

Okay, Kotter, Mr. Jan of the school board

is ready to see you now.

Has Laura finished yet?

Laura?

Laura, hasn't she told them what happened?

No, Lazarus read her statement to the board.

He feels that's enough.

That's enough?

That's enough, yeah, that's enough to get me thrown

out of school.

Mr. Woodman, I'm being railroaded.

Toot-toot.

[laughing]

Cork it, Judith.

There's nothing to worry about, Kotter.

I told him the truth, exactly what happened.

Believe me, he understands.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Woodman.

You don't know how much I appreciate that.

You saved my life.

Think nothing of it, Kotter.

[Jan] Mr. Kotter, naughty, naughty, naughty.

Here she is.

Darling, we've been looking all over the beauty shop for you.

Oh, Mr. Juan.

Mr. Juan?

I think Ms. Laura is ready for her comb out now...

Yes, well, Mr. H, I think what we should do is...

...perhaps we should have a silver blue streak

down the front, and perhaps a Dorothy Hamill in the back.

Oh, short and sassy.

Now, look, I've been a hair dresser a lot longer

than you girls.

And what I think this, this doll needs

is-is something exciting, like a hat.

Now, look, y'all must be mad now, child.

Now, look, look, you just look at the shape

of Ms. Thing's head there, now.

Now, now, she needs-she needs something that's gonna go

help pull it all together, you know.

Now, girl, look, your hair is screamin' for effort

now whatever that might be.

Hun, hun, if you tease your hair anymore

it's gonna bite you.

Guys, do you mind? This is my lunch hour.

How can you sit here and pork up

when a man's future's gonna be flushed down the toilet?

How? I'm hungry, that's how.

Oh, yeah, well, chomp on this. Take a look at this here.

What we've done is we circumnavigated a few words here

to tell what really happened.

This is the real version of what happened here.

Go ahead, now you read that.

How could you? You weren't even there.

Oh, yeah, well, neither was you, baby.

Remember, you was out cold.

Arnold, read it.

Okay.

"Cottage cheese, milk, rye bread, taco sauce, call Murry..."

Hey, hey, turn it over, turn it over.

"Corn flakes, cue tips."

Nah, nah, lower, lower.

"Corn flakes, cue tips."

[clears throat] "I, Laura Stevens hereby declare that I luredMr. Gabriel Kotter

"into his very own classroom in order to act like

a shameless hussy."

I did not.

Oh, yeah, you did too 'cause it says it right here

in this note here.

Look, it says "Shame on your hussy."

Look, guys, he asked me to stay after class.

He just wanted to tell me not to put on make up during class.

Now, will you let me finish my hair and my lunch?

You eat your hair for lunch?

These happen to be bean sprouts.

Oh, yeah, well, let me see this here, let me see this.

Oh, look at this, no wonder why you're so skinny

eatin' all this narrow food.

Gee, thanks, you really think I look thin?

I hope so, this is all I've been eating for two weeks.

Bean sprouts?

How do you keep goin' on bean sprouts?

She don't.

She faints.

Ain't that right, Laura?

Well, maybe once or twice.

Like yesterday in front of Mr. Kotter, right?

I don't remember.

Well, let's refresh your memory here, huh?

What we want you to do is, we want you to go and talk

to the school board, tell 'em what really happened

not how Kotter attacked you, but how you OD'd

on the bean sprouts.

Oh, come on, guys, I can't do that.

I don't want them to know I'm dieting.

They might think I'm vain.

Well, what do you want, vainor pain?

Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[laughing]

- Uh, Mr. Woodman, I... - Shh, shh!

What are you doing?

Kotter's in there with Mr. Jan of the school board.

- I'm listening to him sweat. - Oh!

Yes, dear child, what can I do for you?

Uh, Mr. Woodman, I don't think the board understands.

You see, I've gotta tell them that Mr. Kotter

didn't attack me.

Not now-not now, Laura.

Just wait a second and see if Kotter breaks down

on the stand.

But Mr. Woodman, I have to tell them the truth.

What and deny an old man what little pleasure he has

left in life?

Just one last listen.

Are you alright, Laura?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Laura!

[screaming]

Not another one!

Oh, shut up, Judy, the child fainted.

Go call the nurse.

Oh, I can't stand this.

I-I'm gonna transfer to a private girl's school.

Oh, you're all alike.

You only have one thing on your mind.

It's just disgusting!

Quiet, please, we're trying to...

She'd better be drowning, Woodman

or you're in a lot of trouble.

Laura, Laura, are you okay?

What happened?

I think you had another faculty attack.

Gee, it really was the bean sprout diet.

Bean sprouts?

Let's get up.

Yeah, you see I've been on this bean sprout diet

and Mr. Woodman and Mr. Kotter were just trying to help me.

I guess it's time to forget the diet, huh?

Bean sprouts, you know, Mr. Jan

they're on the number three dinner.

Laura, please go down to the cafeteria

and have something substantial to eat.

Yeah, uh, uh, tell them not to give you

the roast legger surprise.

Thanks, Mr. Kotter.

Well, you're both to be commended for your

quick thinking and your knowledge of first aid.

Thank you, Mr. Jan.

Of course, I was much faster than Kotter.

In two seconds, I was all over her.

I mean, uh...

I mean... You know what I mean.

Sure, we know what you mean, Mr. Woodman.

You got nothin' to worry about

except maybe Laura going around telling everybody

you're a wet kisser.

Woodman, in the office.

She said that?

She said that?

Well, Mr. Kotter, on behalf of the school board

I'd like to apologize for what happened.

Oh, don't worry about it, Mr. Jan.

Uh, I'm curious about something, is it true

that you don't like oriental food?

Yes, that's true, I prefer Italian.

Really? Listen, I gotta tell you a story

a true story, happened to one of my uncles.

Your uncle?

Uh, my uncle goes into a-an Italian restaurant

and he's got a Chinese waiter.

And the Chinese waiter comes up and speaks perfect Italian.

Takes his order in perfect Italian.

My uncle can't believe it. He calls over the owner.

He said, "How come that Chinese waiter speaks perfect Italian?"

The owner said, "Well, he's only been in this country

for two months. He thinks we're teaching him English."

[laughs]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪♪