Original subtitles

An amazing story, my dear

was the story of my Uncle Julian.

Oh, why don't you tell me about Uncle Julian?

Uncle Julian was raised by wild dogs.

Oh, interesting.

Yes, and when he was 12-years-old

he was brought to civilization and he went to school

he learned everything, he graduated from high school

took the civil service test, and became a mailman.

You're kidding!

That's great, what happened to him?

What happened? He got fired.

He used to bite himself on the leg

when he was delivering the mail.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

I don't understand it.

Somewhere there's gotta be a girl for me.

Aw, Arnold, come on, of course there is, Arnold.

And someday, someday you're gonna meet her.

I even heard this rumor goin' around

that Godzilla has a daughter.

Come on, Arnold.

Come on, cheer up, I'm only kiddin' around, eh?

Cheryl Kipnus ain't the onliest chick in Brooklyn.

Yeah, and this ain't the worst thing

that ever happened, either.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie

you don't know what it's like

to always get dumped by girls.

No.

But you do.

Hey Arnold, Arnold, don't worry about it.

Look on the brighter side, one day you're gonna be able

to look back on all of this and...

...burst into tears.

Yeah, lookit, Arnold, maybe this Cheryl Kipnus

you know, she's just playin' hard to get.

Oh, little Juan, you don't understand.

A girl is not playing hard to get when she says

"Arnold, if you was the last man on Earth

I'd start dating trees."

Look, Arnold, girls like you.

Watch this.

Angie, come here.

- Yeah? - I'm gonna prove this to you.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

How about showin' Horshack a good time?

Are you kidding?

She's busy.

Laura, Laura, come here!

Yeah, Vinnie?

How about takin' Horshack out?

Sure, long as I can bring a date along.

Aw.

Face it, Vinnie, I'm just a loser.

Last night I called dial a date.

They hung up on me.

Hey, it's after 3:00.

You feebs are holding a seance?

See if you can contact your brains?

Hey, come on, let it be, Mr. Woodman.

Arnold Horshack here, he's got the blues.

We're tryin' to cheer him up.

Cheer him up?

That's insane, every man has a right to misery

and depression.

Arnold more than most.

Hey, Mr. Woodman

why don't you go find a volcano

and check it out from the inside?

Manana, guys.

[Epstein] What do you mean "Manana?"

What are you talkin' about?

We're gonna be over your house

watchin' TV tonight.

Why don't you stop by?

Yeah, and don't come empty handed like you did last time.

That was tacky, very tacky.

Go stop by and get some Fig Newtons.

Fig Newtons? You sure you don't want

some milk to wash it down with?

You know they get stuck in your throat.

Well, what is the part that gets stuck in your throat

the fig or the Newton?

Vinnie, I think your figs got stuck to your Newton

a long time ago.

Doi, doi.

Look, guys, uh, I don't think

there's gonna be any TV watching.

I, uh, I'm gonna be busy every night this week.

Hm, busy every night this week.

So, starting already.

I figured a man like you would get the itch

sooner or later.

I don't have any itches, Mr. Woodman.

I'm teaching a class at NYU.

That's what he tells the old lady.

Tell me, uh, Kotter, this class...

Does she have a sister?

[laughing]

Why is that Mr. Woodman have to be like that?

Mr. Kotter would never cheat on the missus.

Yeah, who could he get?

[laughing]

Look, Mr. Kotter, if you need somebody

to stop by and, uh, check up on the wife and kids

well, we'd be glad to.

You know somethin', Juan? Maybe that's not a bad idea.

Why don't you guys check in on Julie and the girls?

Say no more, Mr. Kotter.

We won't leave your woman alone for a minute.

That's not exactly what I meant.

Oh, it's okay, Mr. Kotter.

Where else does a person like me have to go?

Yeah.

Hey Mr. Kotter, don't worry about nothin', huh?

Just-just leave a phone number in case we drop

one of the twins or somethin'.

[chatter on TV]

Come on, Arnold, come over and check out

the television.

Oh, Cheryl, Cheryl.

How could you turn down a face like this?

Look at that guy, look at that guy with the big bazooka!

He's goin' right after the tank all by himself.

Ooh, man, he's got guts.

[explosion on TV]

Ooh, he do got guts.

All over the place.

Hey, he looks like a waffle with a helmet on.

Guys, please.

Hey, hey, what are you doin' here, hey?

Juan, do you really expect the babies to sleep

through machine gun fire and rocket attacks?

Well, they do at my house

and I don't even have a TV set.

Okay, now I don't want to be rude

but who invited you over?

Ms. Kotter, you ought to be grateful.

An hour ago, this place was a total wreck.

That's because an hour ago you totally wrecked it.

But it's spotless now, ain't it?

But that's because you have trained Arnold

to clean up after you.

You know, sometimes you guys really treat Arnold

like a dog.

Are you kiddin'? I wouldn't treat my dog like that.

He might get dishpan paw.

It's alright, Mrs. Kotter, I don't mind, really.

Yeah, he's a little Horshack homemaker.

Ah, come on, let's go.

There ain't nothin' on TV anyway

except some old movie, "The Ear that Ate Nebraska."

Ooh, I didn't see that one yet.

Oh yes, you did, Vinnie, you checked it out, man.

You don't remember?

They got saved in the end by a giant Q-tip.

[Julie] Well, bye.

Yep, thanks a lot, Mrs. Kotter.

- Night. - Arnold, ain't you comin'?

Oh, I'll meet ya.

I wanna finish this.

Oh, alright.

Arnold, you know, I really appreciate you staying

and cleaning up.

You know, I wanna do something nice for you.

Mr. Kotter's gonna be gone every night this week.

Why don't you come over one night and have dinner?

Oh, sure. Thank you, Mrs. Kotter, you're very kind.

Okay.

Get my mind off of other things.

Hey, you know, Mrs. Kotter

this detergent really is milder to your hands.

Goodnight, Mrs. Kotter.

Arnold, are you okay?

You seem troubled.

A man has to learn to hide his pain.

Arnold, you're a boy.

Oh.

In that case

I'm miserable.

Aw, come on, Arnold, sit down.

Let's talk about it, okay?

Cheryl Kipnus.

Yes?

She'd rather date a birch tree.

She would rather date a birch tree.

Are we talking about a girl here or a woodchuck?

A girl.

Okay, you asked Cheryl out and she said no?

How'd you ask her out?

How? With my mouth, how else would I ask her out?

Okay, Arnold.

I want you to ask me out the same way you asked Cheryl out.

Mrs. Kotter, come on!

Come on.

Come on, Arnold.

Now I want you to approach me the same way you approached her.

Come on.

- Okay. - Okay.

Uh...

uh, uh, Cheryl?

Uh, I'd like to ask you something.

Okay.

Uh, uh, uh, Cheryl, uh...

...would you like to, uh, to, uh...

To what, Arnold?

Would you like to go out with me tonight?

No.

You, too, huh?

Arnold, how can you ask a girl out from another room?

Well, I just didn't want to be there when she said no.

Arnold, you have to be... You have to be direct.

You've gotta be assertive.

But you also, you've gotta be romantic.

Romantic?

Yeah.

Me?

Arnold, "Ooh, ooh" Horshack?

[laughing]

yeah, you, Arnold, "Ooh, ooh" Horshack.

You know, Arnold, one day

a girl's gonna open up that romantic part of you.

And she's gonna be a very lucky girl.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Kotter.

You're very understanding.

You've gotta take chances, Arnold.

I will.

If you want something, you've gotta reach out and grab it.

I will!

Is there somethin' you want, Arnold?

My hat.

Then reach for it.

Pretend it's Cheryl.

- Cheryl? - Cheryl.

Cheryl, could I have my hat now.

Arnold, don't ask, reach!

Reach!

I did it!

See, it was easy.

- It worked! - Uh-huh.

It really, really worked.

Goodnight, Arnold.

Goodnight

Julie.

Julie?

Julie.

Julie Horshack.

- I don't believe it. - It's true.

I can't Arnold Horshack in love with me?

That's right, he says you're the first woman

who ever turned him on.

That's right.

And we didn't even know Arnold has switches.

Arnold and me?

I know, it just don't make sense, do it?

I mean, how could anyone fall in love

with a person who has glasses?

Mr. Kotter managed.

Yeah, but he's into that mind stuff.

You know what, boy, you should have checked Arnold out

today in lunch, man, he was goin' nuts, boy.

"She loves me, she loves me not.

"She loves me, she loves me not.

She loves me, she loves me not."

That's the first time I ever seen the guy

pluck mashed potatoes.

And then he said you touched him

in a whole new way.

Yeah, you know, because most girls

who are involved with Arnold

they touch him with a ten-foot pole.

Yeah, so get this, okay?

Arnold Horshack thinks you're madly in love with him, too.

But all we did was talk.

Yeah, but that's the farthest Arnold ever got with a girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, they usually just shake his hand

and lead him over to a quiet corner

and just leave him there.

But you, you had to go leadin' him on

treatin' him like a full-length person.

Hey, look, come on, Vinnie.

Now Ms. Kotter here is a happily married woman.

Oh, come on, how happily married could she be

if she's foolin' around with Horshack?

I am not interested in Arnold Horshack.

Come on.

We've all been around the corner.

I mean, you did invite him over to dinner, didn't you?

That's right, because he helped me clean up.

Yeah, but then you held his hand, didn't you?

And then you put your arm around him, didn't you?

And then you kissed him, didn't you?

- Yes, I kissed him. - See, I told you!

Now he won't wash his face for another year.

I kissed him because he was hurting.

I would have done the same thing for anybody I cared about

that was hurting.

[yelling]

Guys, it's serious!

Alright, now what are we gonna do?

Arnold's gonna be here in an hour.

Oh, well, that don't give you much time to get yourself

fixed up, do it?

Now look, get yourself all pretty and everything

because this is very important for him.

He even brushed his teeth.

You know, Vinnie, you better stay away from squirrels

because one day one of 'em's gonna mistake your brain

for an acorn and bury it.

That's not very nice.

Now look, Mrs. Kotter, Arnold's just a young kid.

He ain't even got all of his pimples yet.

I mean, just go easy on him.

Juan, what kind of a woman do you think I am?

Do we really have to talk about that right now?

Bye.

Alright, Mrs. Kotter, alright.

Okay, now we all know that you can handle this, alright?

Now all you gotta do is explain to Arnold

that he's experienced a school boy crush.

And if that... And if that don't work

do the very best next thing.

Marry him.

- Out. - Check you out.

This experience tonight has been a maxi-bummer.

Julie?

Honey, I'm leaving.

Have a nice time.

[Julie] You, too!

Who did you say was coming over for dinner?

Arnold Horshack.

Oh.

Do you have enough Handi Wipes?

Yes.

Okay.

See you later, baby.

Okay, bye.

[knock on door]

Who is it?

[glass breaking]

[Arnold] It is I, my little cupcake.

My little apple dumpling.

My cherry cheesecake.

Oh, Sara Lee.

No, it's Arnold Horshack.

Arnold, you're an hour early.

Dinner isn't till 8 o'clock.

I know.

I figured why torture her any longer?

Here.

How original.

A clump of dirt.

Oh, wait, there's more, there's more.

Oh, good.

I thought I'd let it breathe.

Arnold, I'm a mess.

My hair is soaking wet.

I just got out of the shower.

Oh, you've always been such a kidder.

[laughing]

Julie, Julie, Julie!

What is that exquisite aroma.

Strained carrots and succotash.

My favorite.

It's not for you, I haven't fed the babies yet.

Oh, you're always so thoughtful as usual.

Julie, about the children

I think they have a right to know about us.

Arnold, no.

Right again.

Why drag them into this?

Is this woman ever wrong?

Arnold, come back to Earth.

Sit down, we've gotta talk.

It's real important.

I understand.

No, I'm afraid you don't.

Listen, Mrs. Kotter, Julie

you feel-you feel guilty about Mr. Kotter.

You needn't.

Dump him.

Arnold!

Julie, Julie, we're young.

We have a right to be selfish.

You've gotta grab all the gusto you can get.

Arnold, no one but Mr. Kotter's allowed to grab my gusto.

I get it, I get it, you are an old-fashioned girl.

You wanna hear it in an old-fashioned way.

[in French accent] Julie, my beloved...

Arnold, get up.

Arnold, I do love you, but as a friend.

[laughing]

I knew that all the time.

Arnold, would you stop that ridiculous accent?

Now, I love you as a friend.

It's totally different.

But, but you said that if I wanted something

I should reach out and grab it.

But I didn't mean me.

Well, what did you mean?

Hats?

I'm supposed to spend my whole life

reaching out for hats?

You were the one that opened up this romantic part of me

in the first place.

I know, and I'm flattered, Arnold.

See, now you're gonna have the courage

to go after girls your own age

and stop getting crushes on older women.

You are an older woman, aren't you?

I'm not that old.

Well, how old are you?

What's the difference?

I'm just curious, you know.

I'm older than you, okay?

Yeah, but how much older?

What? It doesn't make any difference

how much older, Arnold.

Gee, when I'm still in my prime

you're gonna be a very old lady.

I'm not gonna be that old.

Oh yeah, old, old lady, sure.

I'm gonna have to wheel you around.

I'm gonna have to feed you.

Wipe the gruel off your chin.

Hey, hey, Mrs. Kotter, I'm sorry

but that's not the kind of life for an energetic young buck

such as myself.

Sure didn't take you long to get over me, did it?

[baby crying]

[knock on door]

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, I'll get that.

Hey, what are you doing here?

We stopped by to pick up your remains.

My remains?

Yeah, after Mrs. Kotter broke your heart.

Mrs. Kotter didn't break my heart.

She didn't?

Well, she didn't break your liver.

Hey, listen, you guys.

Mrs. Kotter and I have come to an understanding.

Hi.

Wow.

Will you guys stop bein' ridiculous?

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, allow me.

Sometimes these boys here can be a little dense.

Really?

I never noticed that.

Listen, fellas, I simply explained to Mrs. Kotter

that an energetic young buck such as myself

cannot be slowed down by an old...

...by a middle-aged lady.

How come you got that, uh, robe on?

Yeah, that's right.

Now how you gonna explain that to Mr. Kotter?

Listen, Arnold Horshack has acted with a clear conscience.

He is afraid of nothing.

Julie, I forgot some of my notes--

Julie, the wet look is out.

What's the matter with you, Arnold?

Nothin' happened, nothin' happened.

I swear nothin' happened.

I never touched her.

I'm a good boy, don't hurt me.

I got small bones.

I'm a good boy, I'm a good boy!

Goodbye. I'm a good boy!

Relax, Mr. Kotter.

Nothin' really happened.

At least, uh, that's what he told us.

You really oughta buy your wife a new bathrobe.

I don't suppose I should ask you what went on here tonight.

Nah.

I didn't think so.

Why don't you tell me anyway?

Well, you see, first there was this girl

who would rather date a birch tree

and then he was rejected by a woodchuck.

Then he suddenly turned into either Charles Boyer

or Cary Grant, I'm not sure which one.

- Then he came-- - Alright, alright.

Save it, we'll have something to talk about tonight.

What is this?

Oh, Arnold brought that for dinner.

I don't know how many times I've told him

it's red wine with dirt.

My Uncle William was a pharmacist.

- But he got fired. - He did?

Yeah, they fired him when he was typing out

the directions on the labels.

Why'd they fire him for that?

Well, he kept trying to fit the bottles

into the typewriter.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪