Original subtitles

My Uncle Balzac...

[laughing]

...was a mercenary.

One time, he was in the country of Bosnia

when he was caught for his mercenary deeds

and he was put in front of a firing squad.

What happened to Uncle Balzac, dear?

What happened, well, the general came over

and he's about to put the blindfold...

He was the general of Bosnia.

He came over, about to put the blindfold on...

What did the general of Bosnia say to your uncle?

He said, we're going to shoot you

through the heart and through the pancreas.

[laughing]

And my uncle said, you are a pig.

Your country is run by pigs.

You have pigs in your streets and pigs in your parliament.

And there's pigs in your pigs.

What did the general say to that?

He said, look, if you keep talkin' this way

you're gonna be in big trouble.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Okay.

Now, who can tell me when the first transcontinental

flight was?

I think it was 1911.

Right,1911,now, why was that flight significant?

The plane took off on time.

What else?

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

It was the first time an airline lost somebody's luggage.

[laughing]

Yes, and you know in those days, they didn't have movies.

The pilot just passed around snap shots

of his vacation.

Okay, I think it's important for you people to...

What's happenin'?

Well, well, well, well, well, look what we have here.

Only 15 minutes late.

What do you guys bother coming at all?

Well, that's what I told them, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Well, where were you?

Ah, old man Kripps, he kept us late after shop class again.

But here, I carved ya a note.

Mr. Kotter, if they're late, I'm sure it's for

a very good reason.

That's right, Mr. Kotter, it ain't our fault.

Mr. Kripps was yellin' so loud, we never heard the bell.

He was tellin' us the difference between us and human beings.

It took him a real long time.

You know, Kripps has never liked Sweathogs.

I remember when I went to school here

he used to try and keep my friend

Banzo Moretti after school.

Wasn't easy, he had to put his head in the vice.

Okay, what happened today?

Everything was alright...

No, everything was alright until, until Vinnie

started to use that electric saw.

[laughing]

I used it to cut up a salami.

[laughing]

Vinnie, you do not use an electric saw

to slice your salami.

Oh, I didn't use it to slice my salami.

I used it to slice Mr. Kripps' salami.

[laughing]

Check it out, check it out, Mr. Kotter, that wasn't so bad.

But Vinnie's judgment was a little bit off

and he couldn't tell where the salami stopped

and the desk started.

[laughing]

You sliced his desk?

Yeah, into nice, thin slices.

It was delicious, right?

You know, Mr. Kripps has a bad temper.

Why don't you guys leave him alone?

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter, sometimes we just can't help it.

He's right, Mr. Kotter.

It's just so much fun to make him mad, you know?

You know what, you should check out the way that his lip

can curl up and do somersaults.

And then, and then, his eyes roll so far back into his head

he can see what he's thinkin'.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah, but Vinnie's the best, you know?

Vinnie, he gets him so mad, that the veins start

bulging out in his neck, all different colors

like a subway map.

[laughing]

Look, guys, come on, lay off the guy.

He's gonna retire next year.

Oh, he can't retire next year, I want him to quit.

Barbarino!

This has to be yours.

Yeah, just... just put it anywhere.

Good morning, Mr. Kripps.

That's your opinion.

What is this piece of junk?

It's a head board for a water bed.

[laughing]

I took the danger out of sleeping.

Kotter, I wanna see this moron in my office.

Right now!

Mr. Kripps, can it wait 'till after this class?

No, it can't wait, Kotter!

I want him now.

But you're right in the middle of my class.

Now, Kotter.

Now!

Mr. Kotter, I'd better go.

I don't want him to lose his temper.

You know, when Mr. Kripps retires, he's gonna become

the loud speaker system at Yankee Stadium.

Okay, what were we talkin' about?

The first transcontinental flight.

Now, what contribution did the Wright Brothers make?

Oh, well I know all about that.

You don't know anything about the Wright Brothers.

Oh, yes I do.

- Do not. - Do so.

- Do not. - Do so.

Do not!

Watch this.

♪ You lost that love you feelin' ♪

♪ Whoa that love you's feelin' ♪

♪ You lost... ♪♪

You wanna hear a good vocal, listen to Kripps

screaming his lungs out at Barbarino.

The man's a prince.

Mr. Woodman, screaming does not a good teacher make.

You're right, you also need a whip and a chair.

What about barbed wire, search lights and guard dogs?

It's a good idea, Kotter, I'll try to get it

in the next school budget.

[laughing]

Alright, come on, let's get back--

Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter, I think Mr. Kripps is dead.

- What are you talking about? - What are you talking--

All's I know that I was out in the hall

and he was yellin' at me, and then he grabbed his heart

and he fell to the ground.

He stopped breathing.

I got scared.

I called the nurse.

Well, what she say?

I don't know, I got scared, I left.

Well, let's go out and see if...

what happened, did Mr. Kripps faint?

It was no faint, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kripps is dead.

What a rotten day to have a funeral.

I hate February funerals.

You mean there are good months for funerals?

June, July are alright.

August, of course, is too hot.

Incidentally, the best place to die

is Fort Lauderdale.

Have you been getting brochures, Mr. Woodman?

Hi, guys.

- Hi, honey. - Hey, Mrs. Kotter.

- How ya doin'? - I'm okay.

I guess it was pretty rough, huh?

Well, look, I've got some nice hot soup

all ready for ya.

Oh, not me, honey, I couldn't eat a thing.

You sure?

- Me neither. - No, thank you.

Yeah, none for me.

I could eat a horse.

Mr. Woodman, don't take it so hard.

Alright, I'll have some soup.

So, tell me all about it.

Oh, no, was it a nice fune...

Let me try another one.

Did you have a good time?

No.

Try, was it a dignified service?

Okay, was it a dignified service?

Yeah, it was, but it was kind of strange.

The organist was playing "If I were a Carpenter."

Oh, but the most beautiful part of the eulogy

was when the minister said, Buchanan may have lost

a teacher

but heaven has gained a handy man.

Hallelujah.

Amen.

Where's Vinnie, wasn't he with you?

Here, Mr. Woodman.

He wanted to walk home from the cemetery.

Said he needed time to think.

Oh, Vinnie's taking it all very hard.

He even offered to marry the widow Kripps.

But she said she's in mourning and to give her a call

in a couple days.

Yeah, Vinnie even swiped the wreath to go on the grave.

I think he swiped the wrong one though.

It said, "Good luck in your new location."

"From all the gang at Nick's bar and grill."

Honey, don't you think you better have a talk with Vinnie?

I did, it took me a half hour to convince him

not to wear a veil.

I don't know what's got into Vinnie.

He seems to blame himself now for all the problems

of the world.

[knock on door]

I'll get that, maybe that's him.

Vinnie, come on in, we're worried about you.

You was worried about me?

I'm sorry you was worried about me.

I'll leave now.

Where you goin'?

Vinnie, come on in.

It still raining out there, Barbarino?

Yes, Mr. Woodman, and I'm sorry.

You should be, it's your fault.

Mr. Woodman, you know, you was always right about me.

You know, I was never no good.

Horshack, I'm sorry I broke your dump truck.

Vinnie, that happened when we was three years old.

I know, I was born bad.

And Epstein, I'm sorry 'bout your father's hair.

What are you talkin' about?

My father's bald.

I know, I'm sorry.

Vinnie, Vinnie, come on you gotta stop this now.

Come on, you gotta pull yourself together.

You gotta stop apologizing.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Vinnie, listen.

Look at me, what happened to Mr. Kripps

it wasn't your fault.

It's no use, Mr. Kotter.

Don't try to talk me out of it.

I know what I did.

I miss Mr. Kripps.

I miss him so much.

The way he used to have those nails

that would hang out of his mouth.

And in the morning, he used to say

you're no good, Vinnie, you're nothin'

you're nothin'.

He was a saint.

Saint Kripps.

And the smell of that turpentine and that filthy smock.

- Alright, that's enough. - Vinnie, that's enough.

You're taking it too far.

Hey, you guys don't no nothin'.

I murdered a man.

And I'm responsible, I'm gonna pay for it.

This is good soup, Julie.

Yeah, Mrs. Finkle, I told you before.

This here is homicide.

We can't arrest your superintendent.

How do you know he's a Cuban spy?

Lots of people play bongos.

Look, Mrs. Finkle, if I was you, I'd pay my rent.

Right, goodbye.

Never fails.

Five minutes left on my shift, and I get a screwball.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

I come to turn myself in.

Couldn't come back in five minutes, could you?

No, I gotta do it now 'cause I killed a man.

Hey, Eddie.

Got it.

Eddie, look you gotta put me away right away.

Put me in solitude.

Give me a black and white TV, the worst you got, right?

Give me bread and water and take my hairbrush away from me.

Come here, kid.

Sit down.

[crying]

You wanna tell me about it?

I got no time to talk to ya, Eddie.

Just rough me up.

Do whatever you want. I believe in police brutality.

What do you guys use now, you use the rubber hoses or what?

No, teflon is in this year.

Doesn't stick.

But let's get serious.

You have the right to remain silent.

Rights, rights, I don't got no rights, I don't deserve 'em.

Will you let me finish?

If you give up that right, anything you say

can and will be used against ya.

Good, thank you.

You're welcome.

Next, you have a phone call.

Tell 'em I ain't here.

Alright, where did the crime occur?

Alright, the crime occurred

in the Buchanan High School hallway.

Buchanan High School hallway.

No, don't use hallway, use corridor.

Corridor.

No, no don't use corridor, use dark corridor.

It sounds worse.

Can you give me the approximate time?

Time?

It's a quarter to 12 right now.

I didn't mean that time.

Not the time now.

What time did the crime occur?

I don't know.

Look, Eddie, this is my first murder.

I didn't wear a watch.

Alright, weapon?

My mouth.

Your mouth? Right.

Is your tongue loaded now?

Hey, look, how come it's so hard to get arrested these days?

When I was a kid, my Uncle Linzio, he just

was a pick pocket and he used to be able

to get arrested like that.

Okay, kid, what was the victim's name?

Kripps.

First name?

Mister.

Goodbye, Mr. Kripps.

We couldn't find him nowhere.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, we're gettin' real worried

about Vinnie now.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah, so am I.

I called his house.

His mother's out lookin' for him too.

- I spoke to his grandmother. - What she say?

I don't know, my Italian's a little rusty.

Oh, I hope Vinnie don't become a monk.

They're gonna shave his head, and put his picture

on a wine bottle.

Well, look, while you guys have been out wastin' time

I been out doin' some real work.

Now, what we gotta do is we gotta forget

where we think Vinnie is.

We gotta eliminate the places that he ain't.

Now, we can assume that he ain't gonna be at the library.

And he ain't gonna be at the ballet

or the opera, the art museum

or the symphony which leads me

to one conclusion.

What?

We don't need this list.

Now, where is he?

Look, I think it would be a good idea if you guys

try to find him in the places that...

Are you Mr. Kotter?

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm Detective Lieutenant Lasky, homicide.

Now, looky here, officer, I put that sausage in my sock

because I had six items, and I was in

a seven item line.

I don't care where you put the sausage!

I'm here to investigate a possible murder

possibly perpetrated by one Vincent Barbarino.

[chattering]

Cool it, cool it.

Look, officer, this has to be a mistake.

Who was murdered?

A Mr. Kripps.

[chattering]

Calm down, will ya?

Look, I can explain this whole thing, you see Mr--

Look, let me be the detective, okay?

Lionel, bring in the suspect.

- Oh, no. - Hey, Vinnie!

- Oh, Vinnie. - What happened?

What they do to you, son?

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Take a piece of advice from an old and very good friend.

Run, Vinnie, run!

I turned myself in.

Vinnie, how could you do this to me?

How could you rat on your own self?

'Cause I'm guilty, Juan, that's why.

Why make their job any easier?

Officer, if you'll give me a second, I can clear this up.

Do me a favor, professor, don't clear it up.

Leave it muddy, okay?

I wanna ask a few questions.

- You. - What, what, what!

- What is your name? - Uh...

Freddie Washington, sir.

Officer, this is absolutely ridiculous.

Save it, professor.

Go 'head, Lincoln.

That's Washington, sir.

[coughing] Well, well you see, Mr. Kripps usually started class

by yelling at Vinnie.

Then what?

Then he'd sandpaper his throat

and yell at Vinnie again.

So, what you're sayin' here is that this Mr. Kripps

had a temper, right?

Yes, sir.

Alright, anybody else got anything to add?

I refuse to testify on the grounds.

You may incinerate me.

What did you guys do, escape from a juvenile court?

Get out of here, everybody clear out.

Alright, let's go to the movies.

Not you, Barbarino, stay.

Hey, Vinnie, one more piece of advice.

You're in trouble enough.

Stay away from the warden's daughter.

Vinnie, chin up, man.

I'll be waitin' for you when... you get out.

Now look, I want you to get a job at the laundry

this way when you come out, you learned a trade.

I don't deserve good friends like that.

Nobody does.

Psst, hey, Vinnie, if you see my uncle up there

tell him thanks for them license plates.

[Eddie] Get out!

Professor, you've been wanting to do my job

for me ever since I walked in here.

I'm gonna give you a chance.

Go ahead, talk.

You sure it's alright?

Go ahead.

Be my guest.

Thank you.

Mr. Leonard Kripps died four days ago

of a heart attack.

He did?

Yeah, but it was my fault.

Vinnie, it wasn't your fault.

It could've happened at any time.

Yeah, but I was the one who made him mad.

The world made him mad, Vinnie.

It wasn't your fault.

- Yes it is. - Vinnie, it isn't.

Yes, it is!

You just happened to be there.

No, it's, I did it.

You didn't do it.

- I did. - No, you didn't.

- I did! - Hold it!

I'm gettin' a whip lash here.

Vinnie, come over here.

Sit down a second.

Look, right after the funeral, Julie and I went over

to visit Mrs. Kripps.

I know, I saw that, I feel so bad about her.

She told me that Mr. Kripps had a heart condition.

His doctor told him to retire two years ago.

If anybody's responsible for Mr. Kripps' death,

it's Mr. Kripps.

You're not just sayin' that to make me feel better?

Vinnie, he just wanted to teach.

I think yelling at you guys was his greatest pleasure in life.

Really?

- Really. - Really?

Oh, wow, I don't believe this.

Now my mother can stop calling the Pope.

You know, it's a toll call, you know.

Hey, Barbarino, come here.

Another wasted day.

Look, do me a favor, will ya?

If you ever do decide to kill somebody

do it in another precinct.

Alright,10-4.

Hey, guys, I'm a free man!

I got my stigma removed.

Hey, professor, let me ask you somethin'.

You really teach these guys?

I can't help it, I'm in it for the money.

Kotter, some jerk parked a blue sedan

right behind my car, and I can't get out.

You know what I did?

I kicked his fender, I gave it quite a dent.

It sounds like my vehicle.

Oh, yeah, well why don't you move it, stupid?

Mr. Woodman, I'd like you to meet Police Lieutenant Lasky.

Nice car, how is it on gas?

Why don't we find out?

Come on, take a ride with me down to the precinct.

Oh, it's just a small dent, officer.

I can't kick very hard, I'm an old man.

Tell him, Kotter.

He's old.

Mr. Woodman, we have a lot of old people

down there on the row.

There's one guy by the name of Al

he's a lifer, you'll love him.

He'll teach ya how to knit.

Come on.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, he didn't take you to jail?

No, he just took the number of my insurance company.

You ever had any uncles in jail?

Are you asking me to tell you an uncle joke?

Well, anything would cheer me up after that.

Okay, I had an Uncle Willie who was in jail for 99 years.

- Ninety-nine years? - Ninety-nine years.

One day, they threw another prisoner in jail.

My uncle said, how long you in for?

The guy says, 98 years.

My uncle said, well you take the bed near the door.

You're gettin' out first.

You oughta do time for that joke, Kotter.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend... ♪♪