Original subtitles

[Gabe] Here's what happened last week on "Welcome Back, Kotter..."

What's all this joke business about?

Last night Vinnie here went to the Comedy Connection

a place that features new comedians with old jokes.

Did you ever think about maybe performing there?

Look, being a comedian to me has always been like a secret dream.

Now ain't you the guy who told us when we have a chance

to go for that brass ring, just to grab it?

Yeah.

[all] Well?

Alright, I'll do it. This Sunday night.

- Alright! - Yeah!

You know, Kotter, in my day, I was a champion heckler.

[laughs]

I'm number 42. They probably heard

every joke in the world by now.

[audience cheering] I got a million jokes.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you take the rest home in a doggy bag?

Give him a chance.

I'm sorry. I'm not a comedian.

I shouldn't be, I-I shouldn't be up here.

[laughing]

I'm in the night club division.

We're always looking for new talent.

You put these kids in your routine

you got yourself a nightclub act.

Here he is, Gabe Kotter!

[all cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a, I'm a school teacher

in Brooklyn and I got this crazy bunch of students.

They call themselves the Sweathogs.

[all laughing]

Up your noses with rubber hoses.

[cheering]

Alright, quiet, everybody. Quiet.

I have an announcement for Mr. Gabe Kotter.

It's goodbye, teaching, hello, show business.

Stay tuned for Part II of "Welcome Back, Kotter..."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

I just can't believe this is happening.

Mr. Kotter is really leaving.

This man, this man who made me everything I am today.

It was Mr. Kotter?

I thought it was a hit-and-run driver.

Oh, come on, come on, we can't let Kotter know

how bummed out we are.

Yeah, little Juan is right.

Gentlemen, we must be brave. We're not losing a teacher.

Mike Douglas is getting a co-host.

Alright, Horshack, just let me give you some advice, okay?

Now this is what I'd do when I ain't gonna see someone

I really like no more, okay? I pretend they're dead.

This way, this way, if they don't call me

I don't get mad at them.

And people say he's not deep.

Let's see our presents here, Freddie.

Well, I've got every one for y'all.

At the top of the list, my personal choice

a mustache comb. Check it out.

Who'd wanna use a mustache comb?

My Aunt Helen.

Sometimes she even uses wax.

Oh, Freddie, did you get my needlepoint framed?

Oh, yeah, I got it right here. The Sweathog motto.

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it."

Oh, this is, this is real nice here, Angie.

Only thing, y-y-you forgot the Sweathog emblem

of a teacher havin' a nervous breakdown, you know.

[gibberish]

This is so sad.

This is so sad, you know.

It reminds me of that episode of "Lassie" that I saw.

When, when, when Lassie was caught in that coal mine

and, and Timmy went out to look for her

and, and she, he-he kept on saying

"Lassie, Lassie, where are you?"

And-and all the coal was coming down

on Lassie's nice fur coat, right.

And Timmy kept on saying, "Lassie, where are you?"

And then, and then Lassie's little paw

went up in the air, right?

And he said, and Lassie said...

[barking]

She said, "Timmy, I'm down here."

I wanna tell you somethin'. That Lassie is some actor.

[bell ringing]

- Morning. - Hi, Mrs. Kotter.

- What are you doing here? - What you doing here?

Well, where's Mr. Kotter?

Overcome with grief in the hall?

Mr. Kotter couldn't be here.

He was halfway out the door and his agent called

and said he had to go to this big audition.

He, he hopes you understand, guys.

Oh, sure, we do.

As soon as they become a hit, they forget the little people.

Hey, that's not the Mr. Kotter we know and disobey.

He's a big phony now, ain't he?

I bet he's around a, around a corner deli

eatin' a sandwich named after him.

Yeah, ham on ham.

With a side of baloney.

Okay, guys, now none of that is true.

- He just wanted me to come-- - To what?

To drop by? Pick up his presents?

Forget the presents.

Take them back to the store where you stole 'em.

Uh, Mr. Woodman, those presents are for Gabe.

He's gone. It's over. Forget Gabe.

I've got you a new teacher outside in the hall.

Well, what's he doin' out there?

Saying goodbye to his next of kin.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. Hi, Mr. Charnoff.

Pete. From now on, it's Pete. Just think of me as family.

Oh, it's just what I need. An agent-in-law.

- How's my baby? - Okay.

How'd the interview go, honey?

- Alright. - Oh, alright?

I'm telling you, Schultz went right through the roof.

He was on the floor.

How can he go through the roof if he was on the floor?

He lives in a duplex.

Does that mean that they liked you?

I don't know, the man had this big cigar

he stood there for 20 minutes, I told him about the Sweathogs

and all he did was choke on his cigar.

[grunting]

You kiddin'? That's how Schultz laughs.

He loved you.

You got five chokes, three gasps and a wheeze.

Sounds like if he liked you any better

you could call the paramedics.

Forget about Schultz. How did it go with the Sweathogs?

Well, honey, they were disappointed.

Uh, I left as soon as the substitute got there.

Poor guy. It's gonna be rough to talk with a desk in your mouth.

Desk in mouth? That's funny stuff.

I'm screaming.

You're screaming?

Yeah, in here. In here, Julie.

Ah, well, you better watch it.

We don't wanna wake the babies up.

[knock on door]

[laughs] That's funny.

- Be quiet, so you don't wake... - Yeah.

Mr. Kotter, we've got somethin' we wanna discuss with you.

Well, listen, guys, why don't you come in and sit down?

Now, uh, you know Mr. Charnoff?

Yeah, sure.

He's the guy who feels it right here.

I felt it in there a couple of times.

Usually after a bad meatball sandwich.

Now, look, Mr. Kotter, what we've done is

we collected all of our thoughts

put them down on this here piece of paper

and now I'm just gonna read 'em to you.

"Dear Mr. Kotter, don't go."

Don't go? That's, that's what you call a speech?

That's like President Lincoln showin' up at Gettysburg

and sayin', "Hey, guys, don't fight."

Listen, I think what Juan said was fine.

I can see what's going on here and it, it chokes me up.

Yeah. I can feel it right here.

Yeah?

Well, how'd you like to feel it right here?

Juan! Come on, sit down.

Look, you guys don't want me to go...

...and I'm really touched by that.

Well, we don't want you to stay forever.

Just till we graduate.

Yeah, what's another 10 or 20 years?

Guys, look, what happens after you graduate?

- I can't stay with you forever. - You can't?

Well, nobody told me that.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, we could grow old together.

The two of us, riding on buses at half fare...

...listening to Lawrence Welk...

...throwing prune pits at each other.

That's funny, Arnold. You know, maybe I'll use that in my act.

Come on, guys, let's get out of here.

I'm tired of bein' a punch line.

- Yeah, let's leave. - Hey, guys.

Hey, look, we can still be friends.

You guys come over anytime you want.

This door will always be open.

Yeah, what for? You-you need some more material?

I guess that's all we were to you, huh, Mr. Kotter?

Jokes that passed in the night.

Arnold. Hey, guys!

Boy, I never thought they'd take it this hard.

Why don't you tell her the good news?

- What good news, honey? - I'll tell her later.

You know, I really thought they'd understand.

Listen, the deal's almost set.

Thirty two glorious weeks on the road.

I don't wanna spoil the surprise. You tell her.

Check you later.

Thirty two glorious weeks on the road?

The guy has to come to see me tonight.

Boy, I hope they don't do anything crazy.

Did you take it, Gabe?

Maybe I should go after them, huh?

Did you take it, Gabe?

Yes. If he offers it, I'm gonna take it.

I was gonna tell you.

Oh, when? On the plane to Peoria?

Julie, you weren't there. What do you want me to do?

Oh, that's right.

And I suppose you and Pete felt it in here.

What's the matter?

I started this scrapbook for you.

Let me know what happens after page one.

[door slam shuts]

Julie!

Julie!

Julie!

Esther, hi. Can you be here in a half hour?

Fine. Okay. Sure. I-I'll see you in a half hour.

Right. Okay, the formula's asleep

and the twins are in the refrigerator.

I mean... You know what I mean, Esther, okay?

Alright, I'll see you then. Bye.

Julie, are you coming out of the bedroom?

Julie, you can't stop a scrapbook on page one.

You dirty rat.

Mm, alright, come out of that bedroom.

Mm, otherwise it's curtains for you

'cause I got a rod and it's a curtain rod.

Aah.

Julie, if you don't get out, I'm gonna do wife jokes.

I'll do jokes about you tonight.

Good evening, ladies and gentleman.

My wife is so skinny

she's gotta run around in the shower to get wet.

You hear that one, Julie?

Ah, you wanna know what kind of cook my wife is?

Flies come to my house to commit suicide.

You hear it, Julie?

You know how my wife makes waffles?

She throws the batter on the floor

and runs over it with hot sneakers.

Out of hibernation, darling?

Gonna tell wife jokes, Gabe?

Well, I could tell some husband jokes

and they'd all be true.

Like the one about how you won't take a shower

without your Snoopy washcloth?

- A total fabrication. - Ah.

How you won't buy a pair of pajamas

unless it has the feet in them...

...and a back flap?

Hey, this is great stuff. We can do an act together.

We could be the next great husband and wife team.

The next Burns and Allen.

No. I would just like to be the old Gabe and Julie.

[sighs]

Julie...

...I didn't mean to make you mad.

Honey, it is not as much that I care

whether the twins and I go on the road with you

as much as I wanna be included in the decision.

You're right, and I'm sorry.

You just have to realize when your dreams start coming true

it's hard to think rationally.

There's a guy offering me $600 a week

to do what I wanted to do my whole life.

I said yes before he had a chance to change his mind.

Gabe, does that mean that every time there's an offer

of more dollars, you're just gonna grab at it

without consulting me?

I'm sorry, honey. It will never happen again.

Can I help it if my agent's a fast talker?

You can say that again.

I've never met a man with a suede tongue before.

- Suede tongue? That's funny. - Thanks.

[chuckles] Okay, from now on, you and me 50-50, right?

Okay. We share everything.

- We share everything. - Right.

Now why don't you go change your 50% of the twins?

I don't have to. See, Esther's coming over.

The formula's asleep and the twins are in the refrigerator.

Honey, you were great.

You're getting better all the time.

I know.

My act's not bad either.

[chuckles]

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't wear yourselves out, kids. Gabe's got a second show to do.

[chuckles] Oh, Mr. Ten Percent. How's it goin'?

Oh, I think I better see if Schultz got here yet

and get him a good table.

If your second show goes half as well as your first, you're in.

Listen, your material's outside. They wanna come in.

The Sweathogs? Sure, let 'em in.

Okay.

- Hey, how you doin', Freddie? - Peace, peace, peace.

[Julie] Look at you guys.

Hey, you guys out there for the first show?

Nah, nah, nah. The hip crowd always hits the late show.

Well, I'm proud of you. Look how nice they look, Julie.

They got dressed up and everything.

- Freddie, you look great. - Oh, you like my suit?

- Uh-huh. - Nice suit, right?

I got it from my friend. He's in the dry cleaning business.

My friend, he gives me first pick

on anything left over 30 days.

Hey, Gabe, that's a funny joke.

Dry cleanin'. You ought to use it in your act.

Use it in the act.

This backstage banter is so exciting.

You know, I once saw Captain Kangaroo

waiting for a cab.

[laughing]

He didn't see me.

Hey, Arnold, shut up, huh?

So we can tell Mr. Kotter the real reason why we came here.

Well, I'm sorry. It was a very important moment for me.

Well, you had your moment. Now it's over.

Hey, what'd you guys come to see me about?

Well, we wanted to let you know how happy we was

about your newfound career and all

and to wish you mazel tov.

Well, thanks, that's really nice of you.

How about you guys? How's it going?

Oh, um, everything is, is great.

- Perfect. - Couldn't be better.

That's real good.

Of course, we did miss you at first.

That was until we got our new teacher.

Oh, I bet you're givin' him a real hard time, aren't you?

Oh, not him, Mrs. Kotter, her.

[laughing]

Her?

They gave you guys a woman teacher?

[chuckles] Wow.

Vinnie means yes.

I never knew school could be so stimulating.

Alright, uh, she might be pretty, but, uh

the important thing is, you guys learnin' anything?

Yes, we are.

We learned that your legs got a lot to be desired.

Hey, you're gonna come back after the show to say hello?

Uh, nah, nah, I don't think so.

I mean, I gotta get up early for school.

I don't wanna be late.

If you catch my drift.

Well, we gotta go. See you later.

- Take it easy. - Hasta la vista.

Tommy Lasorda.

Well, uh...

...they seem to be, uh, really enjoying their new teacher, huh?

Yeah, they do. You a little jealous?

[male 1] I told you to walk by. You can't go in there.

Come on, Gabe Kotter's a close personal friend of mine.

Kotter, will you tell this punk you know me?

Oh, he's alright. He's my wife's hairdresser.

Very funny, Kotter. Save it for the stage.

I've gotta talk to you.

Sure, Mr. Woodman. Sit down.

It's about the Sweathogs. They've gone crazy.

Mr. Woodman, the Sweathogs were just here. They seemed fine.

Uh, they were just putting on an act.

Kotter, they went berserk ever since you left school.

First, they put casters under all the office machines

and started a demolition derby.

[laughing]

You think that's funny, Julie?

Well, the school nutritionist wasn't laughing

when they locked him in the frozen food locker.

That wasn't bad enough, they tried to take his temperature

with a meat thermometer.

Oh, how awful.

Funny but awful.

No, it wasn't. It was wonderful.

What? Did you just say it was wonderful?

It was a chance to punish with abandon.

I gave out more pink slips in one day than I did...

...in eight years.

It was Woodman's golden reign of terror.

That glorious time is gone.

What's goin' on now?

Now they won't do anything.

They're withdrawn. They're depressed.

They're like extras in a zombie movie.

Kotter, I'm only gonna say this once. I'm...

It's too humiliating to repeat.

Say what?

- We need you. - What?

Oh, come on, Kotter. Don't tor, don't torture me!

I'm not trying to torture you. I'm sorry. I-I didn't hear you.

We need you, alright! You're happy now?

I'm a broken man, you sadist!

You wanna hear it again? We need you!

We need you! We need you!

Well, I never thought that I would see the day

that Mr. Woodman says he needs me.

Well, I'm glad he finally admitted it.

How about those guys, huh?

Comin' in here and puttin' on a number like that?

I know, their act was better than yours is.

What are you gonna do, honey?

As Vinnie Barbarino would say, I'm so confused!

- What do you think I should do? - I think you should go back.

Those kids love you, honey, and you love teaching.

You're right. But how can I now?

I mean, what do I tell 'em?

Look, guys, when your dream comes true

you just forget about it.

Julie, if I go out there and do good

that's 32 weeks on the road.

But if you go out there and do bad

that's back to the classroom.

How am I gonna do bad? I've been doin' good every night...

I heard of bombs, Mr. Kotter.

But what you did last night, that was a nuclear explosion.

Hey, yo, hey, Mr. Kotter, um

they got a review of your act right here in the newspaper.

In the obituary column.

Mr. Kotter, it was a noble effort.

At least you tried.

Yeah, he should be tried and convicted for joke slaughter.

Okay, people, if you've had your fun, can I get back to--

I agree, Kotter.

And specially after last night.

It was the first time I ever saw an audience

jump up and form a posse.

You know, Mr. Woodman walked out three times.

Twice on you and once on the check.

Well, straighten up, Kotter.

You're lucky to have your old job back.

Step outside a minute?

Yeah, okay, I'll be right back.

Kotter, you couldn't have been worse last night if you tried.

- Did you? - Did I what?

Did you bomb out on purpose?

What's the difference, Mr. Woodman?

Look, I got a chance to live out a dream.

- That's the important thing. - Well, your dream is over.

You better get back to your nightmare.

[laughing]

Well...

...guess that's the end of your show business career.

Not quite. Story time.

[sighs] Which uncle?

Pick one.

- Uncle Herbert. - Uncle Herbert. Okay.

One day Uncle Herbert's in a movie theater.

He starts crawlin' around under the seats.

Usher comes up and he says, "Sir, what are you doing

crawling around under the seats?"

Uncle Herbert says

"I lost a piece of butterscotch caramel."

He keeps on crawling under the seats.

"Yeah, sir, what is so important

about a piece of butterscotch caramel?"

My Uncle Herbert looks up and says, "My teeth are in it."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪