Original subtitles

Yo, Mr. Kotter, you gotta help me for my English class.

I need a sentence with the word "officiate."

Sentence with the word "officiate," okay. Um...

My uncle got sick because of a fish he ate.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who's have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who's have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Please, Vinnie, no more.

No more. I'll be good... I'll be a good boy.

Please, just don't tell no more of your jokes.

Sit down. Sit down, will ya?

Okay, look, this last joke, it's really funny.

Everybody last night really laughed at this joke.

Okay. Umm...

Alright, this guy, he goes, uh, to a parkin' meter.

He puts the dime in the parkin' meter and the needle goes to 60.

Right? And he says, "Oh no. I've lost a hundred pounds."

[all groaning]

And then, um, I got this other one that's really funny, too.

Um... alright.

I taught my dog how to eat by the sound of the bell right.

So what happens yesterday, he eats the Avon lady.

[all groaning]

What, uh, what are you groaning about? I just got here.

Uh, hey, Vinnie, ask Mr. Kotter one of those jokes.

He'll know if it's old.

Okay. Alright.

Mr. Kotter, okay, now everybody thinks that-that, um...

...Columbus had three ships, right?

But, you did not know he really had four.

- Yeah, I knew, Vinnie. - Okay the reason was because...

What do you mean you know?

You're not supposed to say you know, you're supposed to say

"How come, Vinnie?" Then I tell you the punch line.

I'm sorry, Vinnie, I know the joke.

Why don't you go finish it? You already ruined my timing.

I didn't mean to, Vinnie. I just know the joke.

Columbus started out with four ships.

But only three reached America because one fell over the edge.

[all laughing]

Go ahead, laugh at him just because he's the teacher.

If I was to tell the joke you wouldn't have laughed.

You'd have said, "Old joke, Vinnie, not funny."

Doi!

What's all this joke business about?

Well you see, Mr. Kotter, last night

Vinnie here went to the Comedy Connection.

A place that features new comedians with old jokes.

Comedy Connection? I've been there. It's a lot of fun.

- You went last night? - Yeah.

Sunday's amateur night. That's great.

Did you ever think about maybe performing there?

I mean, you'd fit right in.

You're jokes is as old as anybody's.

You know, one time I almost got up there.

Yeah well, what happened?

Well, I wanted to go on stage but my stomach didn't.

Come on, Mr. Kotter.

Aren't you the boss of your body?

What are you, stomach-pecked?

Look, being a comedian to me has always been like a secret dream

and I, uh, I think I should leave it that way.

Mr. Kotter, it's great to have secret dreams.

I got one.

It involves one of "Charlie's Angels."

Mr. Kotter, ain't you the guy who told us

we have a chance to go for that brass ring, to grab it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, ain't you the guy that told us

if you wants to win, you gots to play?

Yeah.

And didn't you tell me yesterday

that if you don't have confidence in yourself

no one will?

Yeah.

[all] Well?

Trapped, by my own words.

Alright, I'll do it. This Sunday night.

[cheering]

What's all the noise about, Kotter?

Well, this Sunday night I'm going to a night club

and I'm gonna do a comedy routine on amateur night.

Come on, Kotter, there's no night club

with a night that amateur.

Mr. Woodman, I mean, what do you know about night clubs?

Last time you was at a night club

the car hop parked your dinosaur.

[all jeering]

Mr. Woodman, ain't you ever heard of it?

It's the Comedy Connection. It's the in thing to do now.

What, are you gonna be there?

I wouldn't miss this for anything in the world.

You know, Kotter, in my day I was a champion heckler.

You're such a sweet guy, Mr. Woodman.

My picture hangs in every post office

in the Catskill mountains.

You ever heard of Shecky Rabinowitz?

Of course, you haven't.

I ruined his career with one heckle.

Today, he's raising earthworms in New Jersey.

Sunday night, the Comedy Connection.

Ha ha ha!

You're on next, honey. They just called number 41.

I don't believe I had to take a number when I came in.

What is this? A night club or a bakery?

I'm not sure.

But just to cover yourself, when you go out there

you can start with

"Good evening, ladies and muffins."

Julie, what're you making jokes for?

I gotta go on in five minutes, and you're making jokes.

- I'm sorry. - That's not bad.

You know, that might be a good opening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, I got here, they made me take a number.

I wasn't sure if this is a club or a bakery.

Anyway, good evening ladies and muffins.

Don't use it.

Honey, just be yourself.

You're funny, you're charming and you have a twinkle.

I think my twinkle just went out.

I gotta get 'em right away, you know?

I mean, you need a good opening. Something that really grabs 'em.

Oh, if you wanna grab 'em, instead of a tuxedo

you should have rented a gorilla.

Muffin was funny, gorilla, forget about it.

You all set, Shecky? Huh?

Hey, guy, what's the matter?

You look as nervous as a gorilla.

Where'd you get that gorilla from?

Out there. Number 41.

Said the audience was so bad

that the only thing that could grab them was a gorilla.

Did he say anything about muffins?

Nah. Uh, that was number 38.

Yeah, he came out there and said

"Good evening, ladies and muffins."

I don't believe it. I'm number 42.

They've probably heard every joke in the world.

Yeah, you're right.

Well look, I just came in here to wish you good luck and...

...tell you to break an arm.

The expression is break a leg, Juan.

Whatever it takes.

Well, might as well go out there.

- It's gonna be any minute now. - Good luck, honey.

You think I'm gonna get any laughs?

Well, if you don't, your suit will.

- Very funny. - Yeah.

As Ed Sullivan used to say

[imitating Ed Sullivan] Really big, really big.

Right here on our stage, we have World War II

and the original cast.

Really big, really big.

Excuse me there fella, how much do you charge to hoard a house?

If you people ever get a chance to be an audience

don't take it.

Hey, why don't you call Christiaan Barnard

and get a joke transplant.

[male announcer] Number 42 is next. A school teacher from Brooklyn.

Gabe Kotter.

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- It's nice to be here tonight. - Excuse me.

What did the penguin do after you mugged him

and took away his suit?

Mr. Woodman, give him a chance!

Uh, it's nice to be here tonight.

I have some funny relatives. Like there's my Aunt Rhoda.

She's been married so many times she has rice scars on her face.

[laughing]

She's the only lady I know

that has a wash and wear wedding dress.

[laughing]

Well, come on! Don't you get it?

Wash and wear wedding dress. Laugh!

Uh, I have an Aunt Elsie who

used to yell at my Uncle Al.

In the house she would say, "You give me so much trouble...

...when you die, I'm gonna dance on your grave."

Well, my Uncle Al would say...

...I'm gonna be buried at sea. Let her dance."

Why don't you bury your act at sea?

You afraid it'll kill the fish?

[laughing]

Hey, hey, hey, wait a second. Wait a second.

Where you folks going? The man ain't done with his act.

That would be very impolite for you to leave and very unhealthy.

- Have a seat, then. - It's a very nice comedy show.

Sit down, relax.

Yeah, uh, everybody, no one has to leave yet.

- I got a million jokes. - Oh yeah?

Why don't you take the rest home in a doggy bag?

[laughing]

Hey, Mr. Woodman, why don't you put

your false teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death?

Come on, folks, come on, listen.

Let me tell you, let me tell you about another aunt I have.

She, uh, she's, uh

she's so skinny she wears snow sh-shower...

Wait a second, she's so, uh, she's so skinny

she wears snow shoes in the shower

otherwise she'll get sucked down the drain.

There's my Uncle Max. My uncle Max he's, uh...

Look, I don't know, I'm sorry.

I'm not a comedian. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be up here.

It was... it was stupid for me to...

Have a good time.

Well, I hope you'll are happy now.

That man's got babies at home.

Oh, yeah?

They're lucky they don't have to listen to his act.

Alright, bring on number 43. Ha ha ha!

It was okay. You had some nice moments.

You did alright, Mr. Kotter. Better luck next time.

It's alright.

Oh, wasn't that bad, honey.

It was that bad.

Yeah, you was really doing great till you opened your mouth.

At least your suit was funny.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Chin up, little buckaroo.

You did your best.

Yeah, I guess so, Arnold.

I mean, it's not my fault if my relatives aren't funny.

That's the spirit, honey.

You have got nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah well, I got something to be ashamed of. I laughed at him.

I can never come back here again.

Everyone's gonna think there's something wrong with me.

They're gonna think I'm weird.

Look, guys, you wanted me to try and I did.

Now, uh, if you don't mind

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Right on, man. Sure. - You take care.

You did alright, you know.

- Yeah look, that's showbiz. - Yeah.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, honey. Everything's gonna be alright.

- Yeah, let's go home. - Okay.

Hey, uh, don't tell the girls what happened.

Okay.

- Gabe Kotter? - Yeah.

Nice to meet you. Peter Charnoff.

Oh, hi. This is my wife Julia. This is Mr. Charnoff.

- Hi. - Hi.

Creative talent agency? I think you got the wrong guy.

I'm in the night club division.

We're always looking for new talent.

Well, now I know you got the wrong guy.

Forget about tonight.

There's some crazy old man out there heckling everybody.

You know, I hope I never see him again.

I wish I could be that lucky.

Look. I think you're a funny guy.

Your trouble is material.

Number one, you need somethin' fresh.

Somethin' that fits you. Have a seat.

- Have a seat. - Oh.

Now, what do you do for a living?

- I'm a teacher. - Alright, what do you teach?

Uh, social studies for under achievers.

Not bad. That could be funny.

Oh, it is funny. You should meet the Sweathogs.

Yeah, you should meet the Sweathogs.

Sweathogs? What's Sweathogs?

Sweathogs are the kids I teach.

I love it. I'm laughin' already.

You don't look like you're laughing.

It's inside here.

Where it counts.

Now tell me about these kids.

Well, um, see, there's Arnold Horshack.

Great name. Love it. What's he like?

Well, he's short, he's got a kinda pointy nose.

He laughs...

[grunting]

You wouldn't believe the laugh that's going on

inside me right now.

You know, you better watch out.

You could get an ingrown chuckle.

I'm serious. This stuff is great.

- You got more? - Sure, I got more.

There's Juan Epstein. He's a tough guy.

He was voted most likely to take a life.

- Then there's uh-- - No. Stop.

You're killing me here.

Look, you put these kids in your routine

you got yourself a nightclub act.

Now, I'll see you here next Sunday night.

What?

Next Sunday. Do the new stuff.

Talk about the kids, right?

- Yeah, sure. Right. - Great. See you then.

Honey, remind me next week to bring my stethoscope.

Stethoscope? Why?

For once, I would like to hear that man laugh.

- Funny, Julie, very funny. - I'm getting funnier.

Alright, guys, I think I got it. Let me try it. No interruptions.

Just a minute!

Mr. Music, can I have a drum roll, please?

[imitating snare roll]

[imitating drum kit]

Thank you, boys.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here he is!

Gabe Kotter!

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a school teacher in Brooklyn.

I got this crazy bunch of students.

They call themselves the Sweathogs.

Let me tell you about 'em.

Well, there's Freddy Washington, we sorta call him "Boom Boom."

That's his nickname and he walks like this.

You see him walking down the streets, walking like this.

And he says "Hi, there."

Wrong. Relax. Take a break.

Now, Mr. Kotter, I don't walk like this.

I don't do that, see? What I do is I relax, let myself hang.

I let it stay back and just give it.

- Hi, there. Checkin' me out? - Yeah, yeah.

Think you can handle it? Think you can hang?

Lemme see you hang. You loose? Get rhythm.

Move 'em hips. You doin' nice.

Hang back and give it to me. You ready?

- Yeah. - Let it go.

Hi, there.

It's gonna take more than practice

to get him to look like me.

How fast do you tan?

- Sit down. - Coppertone?

Sit down.

Alright, the next Sweathog is Juan Epstein.

Juan Epstein is half Jewish and half Puerto Rican.

His favorite dish is matzo ball tacos.

[laughing]

Funny. That's funny.

Juan has a very strange walk.

He walks like he's got his lunch in his shoes.

Somethin' like this.

Come on, come on. Don't be crazy. Nobody walks like that.

Lookie here, you gotta go for the gold, you know?

Why don't you try some of my old notes on 'em?

One of your notes! That's a great idea.

Yeah, alright, now what you gotta do is

you gotta ask for a category and improv it.

Okay. Give me a category. Go ahead.

Uh, space program.

Alright, that's good, that's good. Let's see, uh...

Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan for being absent.

He got chosen by NASA to be the first punk in orbit.

See? Use the A stuff.

That's funny. Alright, I'll do it now. Great, okay.

Epstein always has these...

- What're you doing? - I'm the cocktail waitress.

You gotta get into the reality of this.

Will you sit down? Come on.

Keep your hands off me.

I'm goin' steady with the owner.

I give it six months.

Mr. Kotter, don't you pay them no mind at all.

Go ahead, talk about me now. Go ahead, go ahead.

Arnold Horshack. That's right.

That's the actual name of a kid in my class.

His name's Arnold Horshack. He goes like this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

I thought you said that you weren't gonna interrupt.

Well, if you wanna be sloppy about it...

Alright, alright, alright. What am I doing wrong?

Well, first of all, it's more rounded tones.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Now cut it off.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- You got it, you got it! - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Now with the arm, now with the arm. And hold it up.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Louder! You got it!

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! - You got it!

Nice to hear the old songs, Kotter.

Mr. Woodman, Mr. Kotter's rehearsing his act here.

- You're gonna do it again? - Yes, yes.

Some guy figured out why I bombed last time.

Oh, I could've told you that.

You went on stage.

[laughing]

Alright, forget about him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have another student.

His name is Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie Barbarino is very popular with the ladies.

In fact if Information can't find a number, they call Vinnie.

[cheering]

He's the only student I know

that's listed in the Guinness of Hickies.

[laughing]

Yeah, I gotta say one thing about the Sweathogs.

They're non-violent. They don't believe in guns.

They insert the bullets manually.

[laughing]

Remember what I said about Juan Epstein?

Whenever he's late or absent

he always brings in a note and he writes it himself.

Here's one. An actual note that Juan handed in.

"Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan

"for being absent for two days.

"He was flown to Rome

for an ecumenical council with the Pope."

[laughing]

It's uh, it's signed "Epstein's mother."

[laughing]

Well, what can I tell you people about the Sweathogs

that you already haven't heard on your police radios?

Hey, thank you.

Or as the Sweathogs would say

"Up your noses with rubber hoses." Goodnight.

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

You were beautiful! Sweetie, baby!

Hear that Julie? I've been promoted to, "Sweetie Baby."

Excuse me, lady.

I'm Eddie Mincer, the owner. You did a great job tonight.

Well, thank you very much, Eddie.

Starting Tuesday, I can get you two weeks in Jersey city

at the Steamy Chips Inn.

- 500 a week. - 500 a week?

If you do good, after that I get you Playboy Clubs

colleges, concerts...

I'm really very happy for you.

Inside here. Where it counts.

Wow, that's, that's a really tempting offer.

[indistinct shouting]

Hi, you guys. You know something?

I come here a lot and always wanted to get up on stage.

I'm glad you did. See you next week.

You've got a great talent. Don't waste it.

- Hey baby! - So what do you say, Gaby baby?

Well, I don't know. This is all happening so fast.

That's, I suppose I could get a leave of absence.

- Yeah well, come on. - What do you think, Julie?

Kotter. Kotter, you're over 30.

Come on, take the shot while you got it.

Yo, Mr. Kotter, you was terrific.

[indistinct shouting]

[Gabe] Thank you, guys.

You know, this is like a dream come true for me.

I dreamt that something like this would one day happen

and I cant believe it.

How many people get to see their dreams come true?

You know, it's the right move. I can feel it, here. Inside.

Come on, what do you say?

Well, I guess if you get a chance to grab at that

brass ring, you better take it, right?

Alright. Quiet everybody. Quiet. I have an announcement.

Starting this Tuesday, for Mr. Gabe Kotter

it's goodbye teaching, hello show business.

[applause]

♪♪

[Gabe narrating] Is Gabe Kotter serious about doing stand up comedy?

More important, is he funny doing stand up comedy?

Will he hit the heights, the skids or the road?

Will Woodman quit his job and become a professional heckler?

Has Kotter turned his back on the Sweathogs?

Now, who will teach these delightful lads?

Does Julia want this for Gabe?

Can a man make a whole career out of Epstein's walk...

...Horshack's laugh...

...Barbarino's charm...

...and Washington's cool?

Find out next week on part two of "Welcome back, Kotter."

Personally, I think the kid's gonna make it big.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ We tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ You always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I... ♪♪