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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,549 --> 00:00:03,572 Yo, Mr. Kotter, you gotta help me for my English class. 2 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:05,570 I need a sentence with the word "officiate." 3 00:00:05,636 --> 00:00:07,737 Sentence with the word "officiate," okay. Um... 4 00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:13,428 My uncle got sick because of a fish he ate. 5 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,435 [theme song] 6 00:00:22,763 --> 00:00:25,465 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 7 00:00:25,548 --> 00:00:29,339 ♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪ 8 00:00:29,422 --> 00:00:31,471 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 9 00:00:31,554 --> 00:00:36,346 ♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪ 10 00:00:36,429 --> 00:00:38,327 ♪ Well the names have all changed ♪ 11 00:00:38,327 --> 00:00:40,594 ♪ Since you hung around ♪ 12 00:00:40,677 --> 00:00:42,901 ♪ But those dreams have remained ♪ 13 00:00:42,984 --> 00:00:45,337 ♪ And they've turned around ♪ 14 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,296 ♪ Who's have thought they'd lead ya? ♪ 15 00:00:47,379 --> 00:00:49,168 ♪ Who's have thought they'd lead ya? ♪ 16 00:00:49,251 --> 00:00:51,170 ♪ Back here where we need ya ♪ 17 00:00:51,253 --> 00:00:53,172 ♪ Back here where we need ya ♪ 18 00:00:53,255 --> 00:00:57,741 ♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪ 19 00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,700 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 20 00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:01,832 ♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪ 21 00:01:01,915 --> 00:01:04,722 ♪ Welcome back ♪♪ 22 00:01:07,714 --> 00:01:09,674 Please, Vinnie, no more. 23 00:01:09,757 --> 00:01:14,001 No more. I'll be good... I'll be a good boy. 24 00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:17,004 Please, just don't tell no more of your jokes. 25 00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:18,908 Sit down. Sit down, will ya? 26 00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,234 Okay, look, this last joke, it's really funny. 27 00:01:21,254 --> 00:01:24,236 Everybody last night really laughed at this joke. 28 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:25,745 Okay. Umm... 29 00:01:25,828 --> 00:01:28,623 Alright, this guy, he goes, uh, to a parkin' meter. 30 00:01:28,706 --> 00:01:32,950 He puts the dime in the parkin' meter and the needle goes to 60. 31 00:01:33,033 --> 00:01:36,374 Right? And he says, "Oh no. I've lost a hundred pounds." 32 00:01:36,375 --> 00:01:38,007 [all groaning] 33 00:01:40,405 --> 00:01:44,049 And then, um, I got this other one that's really funny, too. 34 00:01:44,132 --> 00:01:45,592 Um... alright. 35 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,818 I taught my dog how to eat by the sound of the bell right. 36 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:52,186 So what happens yesterday, he eats the Avon lady. 37 00:01:53,595 --> 00:01:55,836 [all groaning] 38 00:02:04,855 --> 00:02:08,207 What, uh, what are you groaning about? I just got here. 39 00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:11,111 Uh, hey, Vinnie, ask Mr. Kotter one of those jokes. 40 00:02:11,194 --> 00:02:13,097 He'll know if it's old. 41 00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:14,640 Okay. Alright. 42 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:19,982 Mr. Kotter, okay, now everybody thinks that-that, um... 43 00:02:20,065 --> 00:02:21,647 ...Columbus had three ships, right? 44 00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:24,665 But, you did not know he really had four. 45 00:02:24,748 --> 00:02:27,552 - Yeah, I knew, Vinnie. - Okay the reason was because... 46 00:02:27,635 --> 00:02:29,654 What do you mean you know? 47 00:02:29,737 --> 00:02:31,337 You're not supposed to say you know, you're supposed to say 48 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,060 "How come, Vinnie?" Then I tell you the punch line. 49 00:02:34,143 --> 00:02:36,386 I'm sorry, Vinnie, I know the joke. 50 00:02:36,386 --> 00:02:39,823 Why don't you go finish it? You already ruined my timing. 51 00:02:40,868 --> 00:02:43,091 I didn't mean to, Vinnie. I just know the joke. 52 00:02:43,174 --> 00:02:45,156 Columbus started out with four ships. 53 00:02:45,156 --> 00:02:47,921 But only three reached America because one fell over the edge. 54 00:02:48,004 --> 00:02:50,071 [all laughing] 55 00:02:51,924 --> 00:02:54,862 Go ahead, laugh at him just because he's the teacher. 56 00:02:54,945 --> 00:02:56,727 If I was to tell the joke you wouldn't have laughed. 57 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,240 You'd have said, "Old joke, Vinnie, not funny." 58 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,700 Doi! 59 00:03:01,794 --> 00:03:03,994 What's all this joke business about? 60 00:03:04,077 --> 00:03:06,379 Well you see, Mr. Kotter, last night 61 00:03:06,379 --> 00:03:08,999 Vinnie here went to the Comedy Connection. 62 00:03:09,082 --> 00:03:13,602 A place that features new comedians with old jokes. 63 00:03:13,685 --> 00:03:15,527 Comedy Connection? I've been there. It's a lot of fun. 64 00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:16,872 - You went last night? - Yeah. 65 00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,594 Sunday's amateur night. That's great. 66 00:03:18,594 --> 00:03:21,074 Did you ever think about maybe performing there? 67 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:22,879 I mean, you'd fit right in. 68 00:03:22,939 --> 00:03:26,351 You're jokes is as old as anybody's. 69 00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,414 You know, one time I almost got up there. 70 00:03:28,497 --> 00:03:30,079 Yeah well, what happened? 71 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,723 Well, I wanted to go on stage but my stomach didn't. 72 00:03:34,664 --> 00:03:36,587 Come on, Mr. Kotter. 73 00:03:36,670 --> 00:03:39,476 Aren't you the boss of your body? 74 00:03:41,157 --> 00:03:43,858 What are you, stomach-pecked? 75 00:03:46,622 --> 00:03:49,967 Look, being a comedian to me has always been like a secret dream 76 00:03:50,050 --> 00:03:52,674 and I, uh, I think I should leave it that way. 77 00:03:52,674 --> 00:03:55,503 Mr. Kotter, it's great to have secret dreams. 78 00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:57,165 I got one. 79 00:03:57,248 --> 00:03:59,532 It involves one of "Charlie's Angels." 80 00:04:03,136 --> 00:04:04,916 Mr. Kotter, ain't you the guy who told us 81 00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:08,616 we have a chance to go for that brass ring, to grab it? 82 00:04:08,699 --> 00:04:09,762 - Yeah. - Yeah. 83 00:04:09,845 --> 00:04:11,144 Yeah, ain't you the guy that told us 84 00:04:11,227 --> 00:04:14,130 if you wants to win, you gots to play? 85 00:04:14,991 --> 00:04:15,951 Yeah. 86 00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:17,896 And didn't you tell me yesterday 87 00:04:17,896 --> 00:04:20,796 that if you don't have confidence in yourself 88 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,880 no one will? 89 00:04:23,121 --> 00:04:24,061 Yeah. 90 00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:25,604 [all] Well? 91 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,962 Trapped, by my own words. 92 00:04:32,469 --> 00:04:34,340 Alright, I'll do it. This Sunday night. 93 00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:36,015 [cheering] 94 00:04:38,338 --> 00:04:41,299 What's all the noise about, Kotter? 95 00:04:41,383 --> 00:04:43,927 Well, this Sunday night I'm going to a night club 96 00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:46,688 and I'm gonna do a comedy routine on amateur night. 97 00:04:46,771 --> 00:04:48,354 Come on, Kotter, there's no night club 98 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:51,270 with a night that amateur. 99 00:04:51,353 --> 00:04:54,757 Mr. Woodman, I mean, what do you know about night clubs? 100 00:04:54,758 --> 00:04:55,960 Last time you was at a night club 101 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,141 the car hop parked your dinosaur. 102 00:04:59,224 --> 00:05:01,112 [all jeering] 103 00:05:01,195 --> 00:05:03,197 Mr. Woodman, ain't you ever heard of it? 104 00:05:03,197 --> 00:05:06,120 It's the Comedy Connection. It's the in thing to do now. 105 00:05:06,121 --> 00:05:07,563 What, are you gonna be there? 106 00:05:07,563 --> 00:05:10,022 I wouldn't miss this for anything in the world. 107 00:05:10,106 --> 00:05:13,543 You know, Kotter, in my day I was a champion heckler. 108 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,934 You're such a sweet guy, Mr. Woodman. 109 00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,878 My picture hangs in every post office 110 00:05:19,961 --> 00:05:21,680 in the Catskill mountains. 111 00:05:23,507 --> 00:05:26,304 You ever heard of Shecky Rabinowitz? 112 00:05:26,388 --> 00:05:27,830 Of course, you haven't. 113 00:05:27,913 --> 00:05:30,282 I ruined his career with one heckle. 114 00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:33,989 Today, he's raising earthworms in New Jersey. 115 00:05:35,742 --> 00:05:37,746 Sunday night, the Comedy Connection. 116 00:05:37,829 --> 00:05:39,929 Ha ha ha! 117 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:44,304 You're on next, honey. They just called number 41. 118 00:05:44,388 --> 00:05:46,974 I don't believe I had to take a number when I came in. 119 00:05:46,974 --> 00:05:50,440 What is this? A night club or a bakery? 120 00:05:50,679 --> 00:05:52,243 I'm not sure. 121 00:05:52,326 --> 00:05:54,549 But just to cover yourself, when you go out there 122 00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:55,832 you can start with 123 00:05:55,915 --> 00:05:58,476 "Good evening, ladies and muffins." 124 00:05:59,758 --> 00:06:01,782 Julie, what're you making jokes for? 125 00:06:01,865 --> 00:06:03,789 I gotta go on in five minutes, and you're making jokes. 126 00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:06,335 - I'm sorry. - That's not bad. 127 00:06:06,336 --> 00:06:08,355 You know, that might be a good opening. 128 00:06:08,356 --> 00:06:09,357 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 129 00:06:09,358 --> 00:06:11,238 You know, I got here, they made me take a number. 130 00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:13,582 I wasn't sure if this is a club or a bakery. 131 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,507 Anyway, good evening ladies and muffins. 132 00:06:17,732 --> 00:06:19,829 Don't use it. 133 00:06:19,912 --> 00:06:21,796 Honey, just be yourself. 134 00:06:21,879 --> 00:06:26,222 You're funny, you're charming and you have a twinkle. 135 00:06:26,306 --> 00:06:28,882 I think my twinkle just went out. 136 00:06:28,965 --> 00:06:30,448 I gotta get 'em right away, you know? 137 00:06:30,531 --> 00:06:33,403 I mean, you need a good opening. Something that really grabs 'em. 138 00:06:33,414 --> 00:06:36,234 Oh, if you wanna grab 'em, instead of a tuxedo 139 00:06:36,317 --> 00:06:38,602 you should have rented a gorilla. 140 00:06:42,142 --> 00:06:44,904 Muffin was funny, gorilla, forget about it. 141 00:06:46,187 --> 00:06:49,108 You all set, Shecky? Huh? 142 00:06:50,649 --> 00:06:52,972 Hey, guy, what's the matter? 143 00:06:53,055 --> 00:06:55,536 You look as nervous as a gorilla. 144 00:06:57,570 --> 00:06:59,150 Where'd you get that gorilla from? 145 00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:01,373 Out there. Number 41. 146 00:07:01,457 --> 00:07:02,920 Said the audience was so bad 147 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,357 that the only thing that could grab them was a gorilla. 148 00:07:09,132 --> 00:07:11,242 Did he say anything about muffins? 149 00:07:12,595 --> 00:07:15,200 Nah. Uh, that was number 38. 150 00:07:15,283 --> 00:07:17,625 Yeah, he came out there and said 151 00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:20,410 "Good evening, ladies and muffins." 152 00:07:21,518 --> 00:07:23,161 I don't believe it. I'm number 42. 153 00:07:23,244 --> 00:07:25,243 They've probably heard every joke in the world. 154 00:07:25,326 --> 00:07:26,868 Yeah, you're right. 155 00:07:26,888 --> 00:07:29,868 Well look, I just came in here to wish you good luck and... 156 00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:32,062 ...tell you to break an arm. 157 00:07:33,555 --> 00:07:36,666 The expression is break a leg, Juan. 158 00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,426 Whatever it takes. 159 00:07:42,802 --> 00:07:44,464 Well, might as well go out there. 160 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,590 - It's gonna be any minute now. - Good luck, honey. 161 00:07:50,786 --> 00:07:52,708 You think I'm gonna get any laughs? 162 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,161 Well, if you don't, your suit will. 163 00:07:58,550 --> 00:08:01,618 - Very funny. - Yeah. 164 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,167 As Ed Sullivan used to say 165 00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:08,671 [imitating Ed Sullivan] Really big, really big. 166 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:14,041 Right here on our stage, we have World War II 167 00:08:14,041 --> 00:08:16,098 and the original cast. 168 00:08:16,181 --> 00:08:18,904 Really big, really big. 169 00:08:18,987 --> 00:08:23,110 Excuse me there fella, how much do you charge to hoard a house? 170 00:08:25,895 --> 00:08:28,879 If you people ever get a chance to be an audience 171 00:08:28,879 --> 00:08:30,421 don't take it. 172 00:08:30,441 --> 00:08:32,203 Hey, why don't you call Christiaan Barnard 173 00:08:32,203 --> 00:08:34,384 and get a joke transplant. 174 00:08:38,721 --> 00:08:43,328 [male announcer] Number 42 is next. A school teacher from Brooklyn. 175 00:08:43,411 --> 00:08:44,871 Gabe Kotter. 176 00:08:44,978 --> 00:08:47,219 [cheering] 177 00:08:53,251 --> 00:08:55,395 Thank you. Thank you very much. 178 00:08:55,477 --> 00:08:57,559 - It's nice to be here tonight. - Excuse me. 179 00:08:57,642 --> 00:08:59,446 What did the penguin do after you mugged him 180 00:08:59,446 --> 00:09:01,808 and took away his suit? 181 00:09:03,035 --> 00:09:05,570 Mr. Woodman, give him a chance! 182 00:09:05,653 --> 00:09:07,877 Uh, it's nice to be here tonight. 183 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,876 I have some funny relatives. Like there's my Aunt Rhoda. 184 00:09:10,904 --> 00:09:14,830 She's been married so many times she has rice scars on her face. 185 00:09:14,913 --> 00:09:16,414 [laughing] 186 00:09:20,618 --> 00:09:22,181 She's the only lady I know 187 00:09:22,181 --> 00:09:24,911 that has a wash and wear wedding dress. 188 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,433 [laughing] 189 00:09:32,609 --> 00:09:35,394 Well, come on! Don't you get it? 190 00:09:35,477 --> 00:09:38,110 Wash and wear wedding dress. Laugh! 191 00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:44,601 Uh, I have an Aunt Elsie who 192 00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:46,722 used to yell at my Uncle Al. 193 00:09:46,722 --> 00:09:49,940 In the house she would say, "You give me so much trouble... 194 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,026 ...when you die, I'm gonna dance on your grave." 195 00:09:52,109 --> 00:09:54,631 Well, my Uncle Al would say... 196 00:09:54,631 --> 00:09:58,832 ...I'm gonna be buried at sea. Let her dance." 197 00:09:59,496 --> 00:10:02,598 Why don't you bury your act at sea? 198 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,797 You afraid it'll kill the fish? 199 00:10:04,797 --> 00:10:07,802 [laughing] 200 00:10:07,885 --> 00:10:09,587 Hey, hey, hey, wait a second. Wait a second. 201 00:10:09,587 --> 00:10:12,309 Where you folks going? The man ain't done with his act. 202 00:10:12,349 --> 00:10:16,267 That would be very impolite for you to leave and very unhealthy. 203 00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:18,254 - Have a seat, then. - It's a very nice comedy show. 204 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,410 Sit down, relax. 205 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:22,186 Yeah, uh, everybody, no one has to leave yet. 206 00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:24,405 - I got a million jokes. - Oh yeah? 207 00:10:24,488 --> 00:10:26,804 Why don't you take the rest home in a doggy bag? 208 00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,300 [laughing] 209 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,126 Hey, Mr. Woodman, why don't you put 210 00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:36,592 your false teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death? 211 00:10:41,688 --> 00:10:43,971 Come on, folks, come on, listen. 212 00:10:44,054 --> 00:10:47,696 Let me tell you, let me tell you about another aunt I have. 213 00:10:47,697 --> 00:10:50,008 She, uh, she's, uh 214 00:10:50,091 --> 00:10:54,095 she's so skinny she wears snow sh-shower... 215 00:10:54,171 --> 00:10:56,890 Wait a second, she's so, uh, she's so skinny 216 00:10:56,973 --> 00:10:59,634 she wears snow shoes in the shower 217 00:10:59,717 --> 00:11:03,240 otherwise she'll get sucked down the drain. 218 00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:10,789 There's my Uncle Max. My uncle Max he's, uh... 219 00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:15,465 Look, I don't know, I'm sorry. 220 00:11:15,548 --> 00:11:20,553 I'm not a comedian. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be up here. 221 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:24,133 It was... it was stupid for me to... 222 00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:26,056 Have a good time. 223 00:11:30,862 --> 00:11:33,302 Well, I hope you'll are happy now. 224 00:11:33,385 --> 00:11:35,496 That man's got babies at home. 225 00:11:37,590 --> 00:11:39,050 Oh, yeah? 226 00:11:39,271 --> 00:11:42,441 They're lucky they don't have to listen to his act. 227 00:11:43,842 --> 00:11:47,946 Alright, bring on number 43. Ha ha ha! 228 00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:54,433 It was okay. You had some nice moments. 229 00:11:54,516 --> 00:11:56,559 You did alright, Mr. Kotter. Better luck next time. 230 00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:57,918 It's alright. 231 00:11:58,001 --> 00:12:00,923 Oh, wasn't that bad, honey. 232 00:12:01,726 --> 00:12:03,357 It was that bad. 233 00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:08,347 Yeah, you was really doing great till you opened your mouth. 234 00:12:09,468 --> 00:12:11,209 At least your suit was funny. 235 00:12:11,292 --> 00:12:12,779 [laughing] 236 00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:14,033 Yeah. 237 00:12:14,116 --> 00:12:17,117 Chin up, little buckaroo. 238 00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,623 You did your best. 239 00:12:21,419 --> 00:12:22,901 Yeah, I guess so, Arnold. 240 00:12:22,984 --> 00:12:25,922 I mean, it's not my fault if my relatives aren't funny. 241 00:12:26,005 --> 00:12:27,246 That's the spirit, honey. 242 00:12:27,328 --> 00:12:29,428 You have got nothing to be ashamed of. 243 00:12:29,511 --> 00:12:33,482 Yeah well, I got something to be ashamed of. I laughed at him. 244 00:12:35,074 --> 00:12:36,356 I can never come back here again. 245 00:12:36,439 --> 00:12:38,398 Everyone's gonna think there's something wrong with me. 246 00:12:38,481 --> 00:12:40,316 They're gonna think I'm weird. 247 00:12:41,026 --> 00:12:44,371 Look, guys, you wanted me to try and I did. 248 00:12:44,453 --> 00:12:47,381 Now, uh, if you don't mind 249 00:12:47,381 --> 00:12:48,550 I'll see you tomorrow. 250 00:12:48,632 --> 00:12:50,913 - Right on, man. Sure. - You take care. 251 00:12:50,914 --> 00:12:52,662 You did alright, you know. 252 00:12:52,663 --> 00:12:55,426 - Yeah look, that's showbiz. - Yeah. 253 00:12:56,925 --> 00:12:59,207 I'm proud of you. 254 00:13:00,635 --> 00:13:03,376 Come on, honey. Everything's gonna be alright. 255 00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:05,261 - Yeah, let's go home. - Okay. 256 00:13:05,261 --> 00:13:08,309 Hey, uh, don't tell the girls what happened. 257 00:13:08,310 --> 00:13:09,770 Okay. 258 00:13:09,908 --> 00:13:11,451 - Gabe Kotter? - Yeah. 259 00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:13,833 Nice to meet you. Peter Charnoff. 260 00:13:13,916 --> 00:13:16,280 Oh, hi. This is my wife Julia. This is Mr. Charnoff. 261 00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:17,562 - Hi. - Hi. 262 00:13:17,645 --> 00:13:21,088 Creative talent agency? I think you got the wrong guy. 263 00:13:21,171 --> 00:13:22,271 I'm in the night club division. 264 00:13:22,354 --> 00:13:24,604 We're always looking for new talent. 265 00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:26,609 Well, now I know you got the wrong guy. 266 00:13:26,692 --> 00:13:27,650 Forget about tonight. 267 00:13:27,732 --> 00:13:30,636 There's some crazy old man out there heckling everybody. 268 00:13:33,038 --> 00:13:35,998 You know, I hope I never see him again. 269 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:38,579 I wish I could be that lucky. 270 00:13:38,662 --> 00:13:41,664 Look. I think you're a funny guy. 271 00:13:41,747 --> 00:13:43,466 Your trouble is material. 272 00:13:43,549 --> 00:13:45,371 Number one, you need somethin' fresh. 273 00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,761 Somethin' that fits you. Have a seat. 274 00:13:51,117 --> 00:13:53,908 - Have a seat. - Oh. 275 00:13:53,991 --> 00:13:55,513 Now, what do you do for a living? 276 00:13:55,596 --> 00:13:58,134 - I'm a teacher. - Alright, what do you teach? 277 00:13:58,217 --> 00:14:00,360 Uh, social studies for under achievers. 278 00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:01,942 Not bad. That could be funny. 279 00:14:02,025 --> 00:14:04,602 Oh, it is funny. You should meet the Sweathogs. 280 00:14:04,685 --> 00:14:06,047 Yeah, you should meet the Sweathogs. 281 00:14:06,130 --> 00:14:07,890 Sweathogs? What's Sweathogs? 282 00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,632 Sweathogs are the kids I teach. 283 00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:12,217 I love it. I'm laughin' already. 284 00:14:15,703 --> 00:14:18,124 You don't look like you're laughing. 285 00:14:18,207 --> 00:14:19,967 It's inside here. 286 00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:21,617 Where it counts. 287 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:23,394 Now tell me about these kids. 288 00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,730 Well, um, see, there's Arnold Horshack. 289 00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:27,888 Great name. Love it. What's he like? 290 00:14:27,971 --> 00:14:30,715 Well, he's short, he's got a kinda pointy nose. 291 00:14:30,798 --> 00:14:32,303 He laughs... 292 00:14:32,303 --> 00:14:33,924 [grunting] 293 00:14:35,025 --> 00:14:36,929 You wouldn't believe the laugh that's going on 294 00:14:36,929 --> 00:14:38,648 inside me right now. 295 00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:42,515 You know, you better watch out. 296 00:14:42,598 --> 00:14:45,100 You could get an ingrown chuckle. 297 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,093 I'm serious. This stuff is great. 298 00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:49,958 - You got more? - Sure, I got more. 299 00:14:49,958 --> 00:14:52,100 There's Juan Epstein. He's a tough guy. 300 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,643 He was voted most likely to take a life. 301 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:57,143 - Then there's uh-- - No. Stop. 302 00:14:57,226 --> 00:14:59,031 You're killing me here. 303 00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:02,992 Look, you put these kids in your routine 304 00:15:02,992 --> 00:15:04,974 you got yourself a nightclub act. 305 00:15:04,994 --> 00:15:07,194 Now, I'll see you here next Sunday night. 306 00:15:07,277 --> 00:15:08,472 What? 307 00:15:08,555 --> 00:15:10,257 Next Sunday. Do the new stuff. 308 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:12,460 Talk about the kids, right? 309 00:15:12,543 --> 00:15:15,865 - Yeah, sure. Right. - Great. See you then. 310 00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:21,992 Honey, remind me next week to bring my stethoscope. 311 00:15:22,075 --> 00:15:23,535 Stethoscope? Why? 312 00:15:23,937 --> 00:15:27,107 For once, I would like to hear that man laugh. 313 00:15:28,864 --> 00:15:31,407 - Funny, Julie, very funny. - I'm getting funnier. 314 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,612 Alright, guys, I think I got it. Let me try it. No interruptions. 315 00:15:36,695 --> 00:15:39,719 Just a minute! 316 00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:43,289 Mr. Music, can I have a drum roll, please? 317 00:15:43,289 --> 00:15:45,312 [imitating snare roll] 318 00:15:47,728 --> 00:15:49,447 [imitating drum kit] 319 00:16:00,930 --> 00:16:03,651 Thank you, boys. 320 00:16:05,176 --> 00:16:09,920 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here he is! 321 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:10,952 Gabe Kotter! 322 00:16:11,035 --> 00:16:13,500 [cheering] 323 00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,024 Thank you. Thank you. 324 00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,909 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a school teacher in Brooklyn. 325 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,331 I got this crazy bunch of students. 326 00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:20,288 They call themselves the Sweathogs. 327 00:16:20,371 --> 00:16:21,471 Let me tell you about 'em. 328 00:16:21,554 --> 00:16:24,057 Well, there's Freddy Washington, we sorta call him "Boom Boom." 329 00:16:24,097 --> 00:16:26,337 That's his nickname and he walks like this. 330 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:29,362 You see him walking down the streets, walking like this. 331 00:16:31,885 --> 00:16:34,886 And he says "Hi, there." 332 00:16:35,205 --> 00:16:38,428 Wrong. Relax. Take a break. 333 00:16:38,511 --> 00:16:42,008 Now, Mr. Kotter, I don't walk like this. 334 00:16:42,091 --> 00:16:44,920 I don't do that, see? What I do is I relax, let myself hang. 335 00:16:44,945 --> 00:16:47,186 I let it stay back and just give it. 336 00:16:47,227 --> 00:16:50,010 - Hi, there. Checkin' me out? - Yeah, yeah. 337 00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:52,130 Think you can handle it? Think you can hang? 338 00:16:52,774 --> 00:16:54,911 Lemme see you hang. You loose? Get rhythm. 339 00:16:54,994 --> 00:16:56,094 Move 'em hips. You doin' nice. 340 00:16:56,157 --> 00:16:58,180 Hang back and give it to me. You ready? 341 00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:59,739 - Yeah. - Let it go. 342 00:16:59,822 --> 00:17:01,542 Hi, there. 343 00:17:04,027 --> 00:17:05,207 It's gonna take more than practice 344 00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:07,350 to get him to look like me. 345 00:17:08,291 --> 00:17:10,619 How fast do you tan? 346 00:17:11,746 --> 00:17:13,205 - Sit down. - Coppertone? 347 00:17:13,288 --> 00:17:14,627 Sit down. 348 00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:16,810 Alright, the next Sweathog is Juan Epstein. 349 00:17:18,012 --> 00:17:20,795 Juan Epstein is half Jewish and half Puerto Rican. 350 00:17:20,879 --> 00:17:23,315 His favorite dish is matzo ball tacos. 351 00:17:23,381 --> 00:17:25,013 [laughing] 352 00:17:28,890 --> 00:17:30,990 Funny. That's funny. 353 00:17:31,149 --> 00:17:32,733 Juan has a very strange walk. 354 00:17:32,816 --> 00:17:35,986 He walks like he's got his lunch in his shoes. 355 00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:38,702 Somethin' like this. 356 00:17:42,331 --> 00:17:46,096 Come on, come on. Don't be crazy. Nobody walks like that. 357 00:17:48,852 --> 00:17:52,031 Lookie here, you gotta go for the gold, you know? 358 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:54,854 Why don't you try some of my old notes on 'em? 359 00:17:54,936 --> 00:17:56,236 One of your notes! That's a great idea. 360 00:17:56,237 --> 00:17:58,579 Yeah, alright, now what you gotta do is 361 00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:01,298 you gotta ask for a category and improv it. 362 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:03,244 Okay. Give me a category. Go ahead. 363 00:18:03,328 --> 00:18:04,128 Uh, space program. 364 00:18:04,128 --> 00:18:05,910 Alright, that's good, that's good. Let's see, uh... 365 00:18:05,911 --> 00:18:09,893 Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan for being absent. 366 00:18:09,976 --> 00:18:14,495 He got chosen by NASA to be the first punk in orbit. 367 00:18:14,579 --> 00:18:16,545 See? Use the A stuff. 368 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,930 That's funny. Alright, I'll do it now. Great, okay. 369 00:18:19,013 --> 00:18:20,600 Epstein always has these... 370 00:18:23,522 --> 00:18:26,066 - What're you doing? - I'm the cocktail waitress. 371 00:18:27,891 --> 00:18:30,229 You gotta get into the reality of this. 372 00:18:30,312 --> 00:18:31,656 Will you sit down? Come on. 373 00:18:31,739 --> 00:18:34,461 Keep your hands off me. 374 00:18:35,005 --> 00:18:37,507 I'm goin' steady with the owner. 375 00:18:40,962 --> 00:18:43,403 I give it six months. 376 00:18:44,644 --> 00:18:48,268 Mr. Kotter, don't you pay them no mind at all. 377 00:18:48,351 --> 00:18:52,270 Go ahead, talk about me now. Go ahead, go ahead. 378 00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:53,635 Arnold Horshack. That's right. 379 00:18:53,718 --> 00:18:55,280 That's the actual name of a kid in my class. 380 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,916 His name's Arnold Horshack. He goes like this. 381 00:18:59,926 --> 00:19:00,609 Ooh, ooh, ooh. 382 00:19:00,609 --> 00:19:02,191 Ooh, ooh, ooh. 383 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,622 No, no, no. 384 00:19:03,631 --> 00:19:04,431 No, no, no. 385 00:19:04,432 --> 00:19:06,474 I thought you said that you weren't gonna interrupt. 386 00:19:06,474 --> 00:19:08,734 Well, if you wanna be sloppy about it... 387 00:19:08,817 --> 00:19:11,560 Alright, alright, alright. What am I doing wrong? 388 00:19:11,643 --> 00:19:14,702 Well, first of all, it's more rounded tones. 389 00:19:14,702 --> 00:19:17,851 - Ooh, ooh, ooh! - Ooh, ooh, ooh. 390 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:18,838 Now cut it off. 391 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:20,066 - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 392 00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:24,276 - You got it, you got it! - Ooh, ooh, ooh. 393 00:19:24,276 --> 00:19:26,693 Now with the arm, now with the arm. And hold it up. 394 00:19:26,693 --> 00:19:28,391 - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Louder! You got it! 395 00:19:28,391 --> 00:19:30,887 - Ooh, ooh, ooh! - You got it! 396 00:19:36,590 --> 00:19:38,960 Nice to hear the old songs, Kotter. 397 00:19:40,175 --> 00:19:44,321 Mr. Woodman, Mr. Kotter's rehearsing his act here. 398 00:19:44,404 --> 00:19:46,266 - You're gonna do it again? - Yes, yes. 399 00:19:46,306 --> 00:19:48,487 Some guy figured out why I bombed last time. 400 00:19:48,570 --> 00:19:50,048 Oh, I could've told you that. 401 00:19:50,131 --> 00:19:52,052 You went on stage. 402 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,002 [laughing] 403 00:19:57,058 --> 00:19:58,600 Alright, forget about him. 404 00:19:58,683 --> 00:20:00,511 Ladies and gentlemen, I have another student. 405 00:20:00,546 --> 00:20:02,268 His name is Vinnie Barbarino. 406 00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,052 Vinnie Barbarino is very popular with the ladies. 407 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:08,986 In fact if Information can't find a number, they call Vinnie. 408 00:20:09,070 --> 00:20:10,657 [cheering] 409 00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:14,280 He's the only student I know 410 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,496 that's listed in the Guinness of Hickies. 411 00:20:16,579 --> 00:20:18,037 [laughing] 412 00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:23,789 Yeah, I gotta say one thing about the Sweathogs. 413 00:20:23,872 --> 00:20:26,555 They're non-violent. They don't believe in guns. 414 00:20:26,575 --> 00:20:28,633 They insert the bullets manually. 415 00:20:28,633 --> 00:20:30,482 [laughing] 416 00:20:31,982 --> 00:20:33,822 Remember what I said about Juan Epstein? 417 00:20:33,905 --> 00:20:35,106 Whenever he's late or absent 418 00:20:35,106 --> 00:20:38,147 he always brings in a note and he writes it himself. 419 00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:41,423 Here's one. An actual note that Juan handed in. 420 00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,609 "Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan 421 00:20:43,648 --> 00:20:45,391 "for being absent for two days. 422 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,553 "He was flown to Rome 423 00:20:46,553 --> 00:20:48,657 for an ecumenical council with the Pope." 424 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:51,176 [laughing] 425 00:20:51,259 --> 00:20:54,006 It's uh, it's signed "Epstein's mother." 426 00:20:54,089 --> 00:20:55,720 [laughing] 427 00:20:57,427 --> 00:21:00,131 Well, what can I tell you people about the Sweathogs 428 00:21:00,131 --> 00:21:03,153 that you already haven't heard on your police radios? 429 00:21:05,659 --> 00:21:06,799 Hey, thank you. 430 00:21:06,882 --> 00:21:08,391 Or as the Sweathogs would say 431 00:21:08,391 --> 00:21:11,859 "Up your noses with rubber hoses." Goodnight. 432 00:21:11,859 --> 00:21:14,875 [cheering] 433 00:21:21,861 --> 00:21:23,760 [indistinct chatter] 434 00:21:23,843 --> 00:21:26,562 You were beautiful! Sweetie, baby! 435 00:21:26,646 --> 00:21:28,805 Hear that Julie? I've been promoted to, "Sweetie Baby." 436 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,387 Excuse me, lady. 437 00:21:30,470 --> 00:21:34,713 I'm Eddie Mincer, the owner. You did a great job tonight. 438 00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:36,434 Well, thank you very much, Eddie. 439 00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:38,796 Starting Tuesday, I can get you two weeks in Jersey city 440 00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:40,059 at the Steamy Chips Inn. 441 00:21:40,118 --> 00:21:42,956 - 500 a week. - 500 a week? 442 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,142 If you do good, after that I get you Playboy Clubs 443 00:21:45,142 --> 00:21:46,523 colleges, concerts... 444 00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,107 I'm really very happy for you. 445 00:21:48,164 --> 00:21:50,535 Inside here. Where it counts. 446 00:21:51,427 --> 00:21:54,591 Wow, that's, that's a really tempting offer. 447 00:21:54,674 --> 00:21:57,045 [indistinct shouting] 448 00:22:00,643 --> 00:22:01,826 Hi, you guys. You know something? 449 00:22:01,909 --> 00:22:04,514 I come here a lot and always wanted to get up on stage. 450 00:22:04,514 --> 00:22:06,734 I'm glad you did. See you next week. 451 00:22:06,734 --> 00:22:08,717 You've got a great talent. Don't waste it. 452 00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:12,106 - Hey baby! - So what do you say, Gaby baby? 453 00:22:13,186 --> 00:22:14,972 Well, I don't know. This is all happening so fast. 454 00:22:14,972 --> 00:22:18,061 That's, I suppose I could get a leave of absence. 455 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,407 - Yeah well, come on. - What do you think, Julie? 456 00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:22,408 Kotter. Kotter, you're over 30. 457 00:22:22,492 --> 00:22:24,477 Come on, take the shot while you got it. 458 00:22:24,561 --> 00:22:26,690 Yo, Mr. Kotter, you was terrific. 459 00:22:26,691 --> 00:22:27,491 [indistinct shouting] 460 00:22:27,522 --> 00:22:28,422 [Gabe] Thank you, guys. 461 00:22:28,422 --> 00:22:31,245 You know, this is like a dream come true for me. 462 00:22:31,328 --> 00:22:33,348 I dreamt that something like this would one day happen 463 00:22:33,431 --> 00:22:34,693 and I cant believe it. 464 00:22:34,693 --> 00:22:37,196 How many people get to see their dreams come true? 465 00:22:37,217 --> 00:22:40,339 You know, it's the right move. I can feel it, here. Inside. 466 00:22:40,422 --> 00:22:44,567 Come on, what do you say? 467 00:22:44,650 --> 00:22:48,211 Well, I guess if you get a chance to grab at that 468 00:22:48,294 --> 00:22:50,936 brass ring, you better take it, right? 469 00:22:51,759 --> 00:22:55,630 Alright. Quiet everybody. Quiet. I have an announcement. 470 00:22:55,713 --> 00:22:59,717 Starting this Tuesday, for Mr. Gabe Kotter 471 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,992 it's goodbye teaching, hello show business. 472 00:23:02,992 --> 00:23:05,694 [applause] 473 00:23:05,777 --> 00:23:07,237 ♪♪ 474 00:23:22,217 --> 00:23:24,175 [Gabe narrating] Is Gabe Kotter serious about doing stand up comedy? 475 00:23:24,258 --> 00:23:27,723 More important, is he funny doing stand up comedy? 476 00:23:27,723 --> 00:23:30,863 Will he hit the heights, the skids or the road? 477 00:23:30,946 --> 00:23:34,789 Will Woodman quit his job and become a professional heckler? 478 00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:37,532 Has Kotter turned his back on the Sweathogs? 479 00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:40,837 Now, who will teach these delightful lads? 480 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,343 Does Julia want this for Gabe? 481 00:23:43,363 --> 00:23:46,845 Can a man make a whole career out of Epstein's walk... 482 00:23:46,928 --> 00:23:48,388 ...Horshack's laugh... 483 00:23:48,770 --> 00:23:51,051 ...Barbarino's charm... 484 00:23:51,273 --> 00:23:53,372 ...and Washington's cool? 485 00:23:53,997 --> 00:23:57,741 Find out next week on part two of "Welcome back, Kotter." 486 00:23:58,282 --> 00:24:01,186 Personally, I think the kid's gonna make it big. 487 00:24:06,507 --> 00:24:09,400 [theme song] 488 00:24:10,335 --> 00:24:13,170 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 489 00:24:13,253 --> 00:24:16,781 ♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪ 490 00:24:16,864 --> 00:24:19,263 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 491 00:24:19,346 --> 00:24:24,007 ♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪ 492 00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:28,141 ♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪ 493 00:24:28,225 --> 00:24:30,317 ♪ But those dreams have remained ♪ 494 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,886 ♪ And they've turned around ♪ 495 00:24:32,969 --> 00:24:35,148 ♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪ 496 00:24:35,232 --> 00:24:37,150 ♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪ 497 00:24:37,234 --> 00:24:39,413 ♪ Back here where we need ya ♪ 498 00:24:39,496 --> 00:24:41,241 ♪ Back here where we need ya ♪ 499 00:24:41,324 --> 00:24:43,243 ♪ We tease him a lot ♪ 500 00:24:43,326 --> 00:24:45,375 ♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪ 501 00:24:45,458 --> 00:24:47,377 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 502 00:24:47,460 --> 00:24:49,728 ♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪ 503 00:24:49,811 --> 00:24:51,860 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 504 00:24:51,944 --> 00:24:53,906 ♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪ 505 00:24:53,989 --> 00:24:56,648 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 506 00:24:56,732 --> 00:25:00,478 ♪ You always could spot a friend ♪ 507 00:25:00,561 --> 00:25:02,871 ♪ Welcome back ♪ 508 00:25:02,955 --> 00:25:04,652 ♪ And I smile when I... ♪♪ 38580

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