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1
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Here you are, Kotter.
2
00:00:03,641 --> 00:00:06,083
Uh, Mr. Woodman.
3
00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:08,086
Did I ever tell
you about my Uncle Murrow?
4
00:00:08,168 --> 00:00:10,652
He was a biologist.
5
00:00:10,735 --> 00:00:13,639
One time he crossed
a tarantula and a horse.
6
00:00:14,435 --> 00:00:16,354
- What'd he get?
- He doesn't know.
7
00:00:16,437 --> 00:00:19,965
But if it bites you,
you can ride it to the doctor.
8
00:00:20,048 --> 00:00:21,681
[laughing sarcastically]
9
00:00:23,661 --> 00:00:25,815
[theme song]
10
00:00:31,321 --> 00:00:34,285
♪ Welcome back ♪
11
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,854
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
12
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:40,247
♪ Welcome back ♪
13
00:00:40,330 --> 00:00:44,991
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
14
00:00:45,074 --> 00:00:49,516
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
15
00:00:49,599 --> 00:00:54,087
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
16
00:00:54,170 --> 00:00:56,089
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪
17
00:00:56,172 --> 00:00:58,004
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
18
00:00:58,087 --> 00:01:00,137
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
19
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:02,400
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
20
00:01:02,483 --> 00:01:06,360
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
21
00:01:06,443 --> 00:01:08,928
♪ Welcome back ♪
22
00:01:09,011 --> 00:01:14,473
♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪♪
23
00:01:18,803 --> 00:01:20,263
Hey, Epstein.
24
00:01:21,197 --> 00:01:23,743
Epstein, come here.
Come here.
25
00:01:25,606 --> 00:01:27,695
What's taking him so long,
huh?
26
00:01:27,778 --> 00:01:29,319
Hey, look, are you sure
Carvelli's gonna show up?
27
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:30,451
Sure. Sure. I'm sure.
28
00:01:30,521 --> 00:01:31,699
Yeah, well, I can't
stand out in this cold
29
00:01:31,782 --> 00:01:32,766
much longer, you know?
30
00:01:32,804 --> 00:01:35,446
My afro's liable
to freeze and snap off.
31
00:01:36,947 --> 00:01:37,909
Hey, look, Carvelli's rotten
32
00:01:37,909 --> 00:01:40,191
but the man is reliable.
33
00:01:40,191 --> 00:01:41,691
Hey, look, are you sure
Mr. Kotter don't know nothin'--
34
00:01:41,693 --> 00:01:43,292
He don't know nothin'
about this.
35
00:01:43,375 --> 00:01:44,894
Well, I just hope Carvelli's
bringing enough term papers
36
00:01:44,977 --> 00:01:46,418
for all of us guys to pass.
37
00:01:46,418 --> 00:01:48,140
Yup. Five bucks a piece.
38
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,060
They're all guaranteed A's.
39
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:53,284
- Top quality, huh?
- You bet. Just the top.
40
00:01:58,658 --> 00:02:00,118
Hi, there.
41
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:02,781
Hi, there.
42
00:02:04,346 --> 00:02:05,804
Oh.
43
00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:08,026
Hi, there.
44
00:02:09,090 --> 00:02:10,550
Bye, there.
45
00:02:11,971 --> 00:02:13,071
What's the matter
with Freddy, uh...
46
00:02:13,154 --> 00:02:16,057
Does it have something
to do with my deodorant?
47
00:02:16,657 --> 00:02:18,757
What're you doin' here?
48
00:02:21,704 --> 00:02:23,532
I work here.
49
00:02:23,615 --> 00:02:25,628
[chuckles] Why, I-I bet you'd like to
be up in your classroom
50
00:02:25,711 --> 00:02:27,717
right now preparing
for your classes, huh?
51
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,710
I mean, a teacher like you
must prepare 15, 20 minutes
52
00:02:29,710 --> 00:02:31,009
just for one class.
53
00:02:31,092 --> 00:02:33,873
Look, I know I go into your
class, you're one prepared--
54
00:02:33,956 --> 00:02:35,979
Epstein! I'm going upstairs,
right now.
55
00:02:35,979 --> 00:02:38,483
- Are you coming?
- Uh, no.
56
00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:40,343
No. I-I'm gonna stay in here
57
00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,890
and, uh, break in
a new pair of socks.
58
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:45,291
Alright, well, come on. Class
starts in a couple of minutes.
59
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,035
Yeah. yeah. Ha-ha.
60
00:02:57,407 --> 00:03:01,195
Well, well, well, Epstein.
61
00:03:01,278 --> 00:03:04,823
The man who put
the sweat into Sweathog.
62
00:03:05,864 --> 00:03:07,447
Hear that, Epstein?
63
00:03:07,530 --> 00:03:10,380
Carvelli say you put
the sweat in Sweathogs.
64
00:03:11,445 --> 00:03:14,251
Yeah, I heard him, Murray.
65
00:03:14,845 --> 00:03:16,843
Look, you got the term papers?
66
00:03:16,926 --> 00:03:19,631
Yeah, I got that.
I got a more important question.
67
00:03:19,714 --> 00:03:23,152
- Have you got the money?
- Yeah. I got 20 bucks.
68
00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,544
- I want four of 'em.
- Yeah. You sure?
69
00:03:25,627 --> 00:03:28,395
Because, uh,
with another five bucks
70
00:03:28,395 --> 00:03:29,755
you can have your teacher...
71
00:03:29,838 --> 00:03:32,210
...pushed under a bus.
72
00:03:33,066 --> 00:03:35,211
And, uh, for an extra ten
73
00:03:35,211 --> 00:03:37,813
I'll make it look
like an accident.
74
00:03:39,139 --> 00:03:41,102
That's cute, Murray.
I like that.
75
00:03:41,185 --> 00:03:42,607
Alright, come on, come on,
hurry up.
76
00:03:42,607 --> 00:03:44,478
I don't want nobody
to see me here talkin'.
77
00:03:44,530 --> 00:03:47,451
I feel disgusted at what
I'm doing. I feel sick inside.
78
00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:50,416
Yeah, yeah, I heard that before.
Sure, alright, let's see.
79
00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:52,759
Epstein, your category
80
00:03:52,842 --> 00:03:56,280
was social studies
for $20. Heh!
81
00:03:56,354 --> 00:03:58,723
That sounds like a gameshow,
don't it?
82
00:03:59,712 --> 00:04:01,552
Hear that, Epstein,
Carvelli wants to know
83
00:04:01,635 --> 00:04:03,963
if it sounds
like a gameshow.
84
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:08,944
Sure.
I'll take Paul Lind to block.
85
00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:11,531
[laughing]
86
00:04:12,529 --> 00:04:13,999
Alright, alright, come on,
come on, Murray.
87
00:04:14,082 --> 00:04:16,504
Let's, let's go here,
let's show, uh, Mr. Epstein
88
00:04:16,586 --> 00:04:19,480
our impressive line
of, uh, term papers.
89
00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:25,707
Alright. I think
you're gonna like this.
90
00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:27,732
Oh, this is a beautiful one.
91
00:04:27,815 --> 00:04:30,135
"Do you mind if I smoke?"
92
00:04:30,219 --> 00:04:33,781
The real story of Joan of Arc.
93
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,801
Take a look.
94
00:04:35,885 --> 00:04:37,987
It's a good paper.
It's a strong paper.
95
00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:39,765
Lot of vowels.
96
00:04:39,849 --> 00:04:41,310
You'll like it.
97
00:04:41,393 --> 00:04:43,697
Are you sure these papers
is on the up and up?
98
00:04:43,697 --> 00:04:44,879
Hey, hey, hey, come on!
99
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:49,046
These papers are guaranteed,
or your money back.
100
00:04:49,046 --> 00:04:51,357
Oh. That's what I like
about you, Carvelli.
101
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,769
You stand behind
what you steal.
102
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,791
- Hey, what's happening, Marky?
- Hey, Mark.
103
00:05:00,575 --> 00:05:03,135
- Hey, I got 'em. I-I got 'em.
- What? Wait, yo!
104
00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:04,719
Okay, what are they on?
What are they on? Yeah.
105
00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:07,404
Uh, Freddie,
you got "The Dust Bowl."
106
00:05:08,988 --> 00:05:10,448
Hey, Epstein.
107
00:05:11,715 --> 00:05:14,080
I can't do
no term paper on dust.
108
00:05:14,163 --> 00:05:16,000
I hate dust.
109
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,497
Besides...
110
00:05:18,553 --> 00:05:20,665
...dust killed
my great grandmother.
111
00:05:21,539 --> 00:05:22,339
What?
112
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,524
Dust killed
your great grandmother?
113
00:05:24,607 --> 00:05:27,671
Oh, no, Freddie,
tell me it ain't so.
114
00:05:29,712 --> 00:05:32,195
Okay, I'mma tell you all. I'mma
tell you just how it happened.
115
00:05:32,278 --> 00:05:33,778
See, one day,
my great granny was shaking
116
00:05:33,861 --> 00:05:35,219
her mop out her window
117
00:05:35,303 --> 00:05:36,445
when all of a sudden
118
00:05:36,445 --> 00:05:38,187
this big powerful gust
of wind came in
119
00:05:38,187 --> 00:05:40,588
and sucked her
and the mop straight up
120
00:05:40,671 --> 00:05:43,493
and took 'em
clear over New Jersey.
121
00:05:44,259 --> 00:05:46,159
You're lyin'.
122
00:05:48,784 --> 00:05:50,765
Would you believe Pennsylvania?
123
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,912
Here, now that we got
that settled, here, Vinnie, uh
124
00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:57,416
you got "The great
Irish potato famine."
125
00:05:59,303 --> 00:06:01,405
"The great Irish potato famine?"
126
00:06:01,488 --> 00:06:04,253
What's, what's so good about,
uh, great Irish potato famine?
127
00:06:04,253 --> 00:06:07,578
Well, I know, I know what
that was about. I know that one.
128
00:06:07,578 --> 00:06:10,624
That's when, uh, the whole
country ran out of potatoes.
129
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:13,042
The whole country
ran out of potatoes?
130
00:06:13,126 --> 00:06:14,126
Yeah.
131
00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:15,648
Imagine all of the butter
and sour cream
132
00:06:15,731 --> 00:06:17,714
that was left over.
133
00:06:17,714 --> 00:06:18,638
[laughing]
134
00:06:18,722 --> 00:06:20,943
Well, uh,
speaking of sour cream...
135
00:06:21,027 --> 00:06:23,127
...where's Arnold Horshack?
136
00:06:23,351 --> 00:06:24,293
Uh, Arnold's already in there
137
00:06:24,293 --> 00:06:26,214
having his conference
with Mr. Kotter.
138
00:06:26,297 --> 00:06:27,661
So, Arnold, have you decided
what you're gonna do
139
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,761
your term paper on?
140
00:06:29,985 --> 00:06:32,547
So, Mr. Kotter...
141
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,190
...how's the family?
142
00:06:36,883 --> 00:06:37,924
Fine. Everybody's fine.
143
00:06:38,008 --> 00:06:39,328
Arnold, I think an interesting--
144
00:06:39,411 --> 00:06:41,932
The twins are getting big.
145
00:06:42,392 --> 00:06:43,854
Yeah, they're growing every day.
146
00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:46,219
You know, Arnold, I'd like
to see you do something--
147
00:06:46,302 --> 00:06:48,005
And ain't it amazing how fast
148
00:06:48,005 --> 00:06:51,028
Mrs. Kotter got her figure back?
149
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,570
Amazing.
150
00:06:53,795 --> 00:06:55,255
You too.
151
00:06:57,181 --> 00:07:00,618
Arnold, are you gonna do
a term paper on my family?
152
00:07:17,474 --> 00:07:20,498
Alright, Mr. Kotter,
I gotta go to the bathroom.
153
00:07:21,218 --> 00:07:23,328
I'm glad Epstein reminded you.
154
00:07:24,622 --> 00:07:27,244
- Don't go away, okay?
- I'll be here.
155
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,305
Epstein,
I don't wanna be pushy
156
00:07:30,388 --> 00:07:31,529
but would you mind telling me
157
00:07:31,529 --> 00:07:33,429
what I'm doing my term paper on?
158
00:07:33,512 --> 00:07:37,232
Sure. You got
"Joseph Stalin and the purges."
159
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,960
Who were the purges?
160
00:07:44,043 --> 00:07:46,946
Uh, I think they was
Joe's back-up group.
161
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,054
Yeah, yeah, they had
a big hit a while back
162
00:07:49,137 --> 00:07:51,857
called "The Vulgar Boatmen."
163
00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:55,080
"The Vulgar Boatmen?"
Oh, I hate "The Vulgar Boatmen."
164
00:07:55,163 --> 00:07:56,084
- Why?
- Because...
165
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,451
On the Staten Island ferry,
you see them all the time.
166
00:07:58,452 --> 00:08:00,019
T-t-they're dirty,
they talk dirty.
167
00:08:00,072 --> 00:08:02,614
They spit on themselves.
168
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:04,537
Disgusting. I hate 'em.
169
00:08:05,472 --> 00:08:06,778
Hi, guys!
170
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,123
- Hey, Angie, what's happening?
- Hi, Angie!
171
00:08:08,123 --> 00:08:09,732
Have you started
your term paper yet?
172
00:08:09,765 --> 00:08:11,945
Yeah, I already finished mine.
Look, right here.
173
00:08:12,028 --> 00:08:13,928
Oh, I was thinking
about doing mine
174
00:08:14,011 --> 00:08:16,192
on Marilyn Monroe.
175
00:08:17,071 --> 00:08:19,553
Why stop there, why not
do all those bleach blondes
176
00:08:19,636 --> 00:08:21,738
and call it "Roots?"
177
00:08:25,696 --> 00:08:27,153
Thanks.
178
00:08:28,706 --> 00:08:30,642
Listen, little Juan.
179
00:08:30,725 --> 00:08:32,266
I just don't feel right
about this whole thing.
180
00:08:32,349 --> 00:08:34,191
I mean, turning in
somebody else's term paper.
181
00:08:34,191 --> 00:08:36,716
- That's not right. I'm sorry--
- Come on, Arnold Horshack!
182
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,353
It's time you faced
the facts of life!
183
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,720
[screaming]
184
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:44,600
Not those facts!
185
00:08:45,737 --> 00:08:47,151
Come on!
186
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:48,315
Now, look...
187
00:08:48,355 --> 00:08:50,634
...it's better
to cheat with honor
188
00:08:50,717 --> 00:08:52,915
than fail with disgrace.
189
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:57,481
Alright, now, I want
you to get back in there
190
00:08:57,564 --> 00:09:00,166
and I want you
to remember one thing for me.
191
00:09:00,186 --> 00:09:02,125
Joseph Stalin.
192
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,127
- Joseph. Joseph Stalin.
- You say it.
193
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,049
- Joseph Sta...
- That's it. He got it.
194
00:09:06,131 --> 00:09:09,569
- Would you repeat that for me--
- Will you get in there?
195
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,521
- Everything okay, Arnold?
- Joseph Stalin!
196
00:09:21,026 --> 00:09:23,929
Was he in the bathroom
with you and Epstein?
197
00:09:24,093 --> 00:09:25,148
[chuckling]
198
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,039
Mr. Kotter. He-he-he!
199
00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:32,485
That's what I wanted to do my
term paper on. Joseph Stalin.
200
00:09:32,568 --> 00:09:35,812
Oh, I admire Joseph Stalin.
201
00:09:36,752 --> 00:09:39,842
Arnold, if you wanna do a term
paper on Stalin, that's fine.
202
00:09:39,925 --> 00:09:41,687
Let's not admire the man.
203
00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:44,267
He sent 25 million innocent men,
women and children
204
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,573
to labor camps in Siberia.
205
00:09:46,573 --> 00:09:48,572
What do you admire about that?
206
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,558
The trains. He always
got them there on time.
207
00:09:55,359 --> 00:09:57,061
Arnold, go to the library.
208
00:09:57,144 --> 00:09:59,587
Read a little bit
about Joseph Stalin.
209
00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:01,168
You'll find him
in between "Attila the Hun"
210
00:10:01,208 --> 00:10:03,663
and "Jack the Ripper."
211
00:10:03,746 --> 00:10:06,089
Right you are, Mr. Kotter.
212
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:09,312
And as they say in Siberia...
213
00:10:09,395 --> 00:10:10,939
...br-r-r!
214
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:13,620
Yeah!
215
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:20,958
Mr. Kotter?
Are you ready to see me now?
216
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:24,478
- I'm ready to see you now.
- Good, 'cause I'm running late.
217
00:10:25,548 --> 00:10:27,130
Mr. Kotter,
I just want to tell you
218
00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:30,829
how excited I am about this,
this term paper.
219
00:10:30,912 --> 00:10:34,038
I-it's, it's all
I can think about lately.
220
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:35,203
- Really, Vinnie?
- Yeah.
221
00:10:35,223 --> 00:10:36,804
I'm happy
to see you so involved.
222
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,655
Oh, yes, I-I'm really into it.
223
00:10:41,252 --> 00:10:43,888
Well, what subject
are you gonna write about?
224
00:10:44,138 --> 00:10:45,638
What?
225
00:10:47,202 --> 00:10:50,639
What subject have you decided
to do your term paper on?
226
00:10:55,458 --> 00:10:56,918
Um...
227
00:10:57,102 --> 00:11:00,064
I... Just give me a sec,
I'll think of it.
228
00:11:00,147 --> 00:11:01,948
Does it have anything
to do with history?
229
00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:06,116
Yeah, oh, t-t-the
great French fry phantom.
230
00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:14,181
The French fry phantom?
231
00:11:14,264 --> 00:11:17,071
Yeah, I just heard the news.
No potatoes.
232
00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:22,974
I think, I think it happened
in, i-in England or Ireland.
233
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:25,635
Some place where they, where
they speak English really funny.
234
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:28,701
As opposed to Brooklyn
where we speak it perfectly?
235
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:30,161
[Vinnie] Yes.
236
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,343
What are you talking about,
French fry phantom?
237
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,466
The phantom, you know, when
you can't get nothing to eat
238
00:11:35,549 --> 00:11:37,659
you have a phantom.
239
00:11:39,373 --> 00:11:40,833
Famine!
240
00:11:41,103 --> 00:11:43,206
A famine. French fry famine?
241
00:11:43,289 --> 00:11:46,773
- Irish potato famine?
- Yeah, that's it. That's it.
242
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:50,312
It's, it's the same thing. I
just said it a little different.
243
00:11:50,395 --> 00:11:51,496
Of course, it's the same thing.
244
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:55,041
French fry phantom,
Irish potato famine.
245
00:11:55,124 --> 00:11:57,865
Must've been really terrible,
huh, Mr. Kotter?
246
00:11:57,948 --> 00:11:59,730
I mean, imagine,
go any place in the country
247
00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:01,970
you could order a hamburger...
248
00:12:03,475 --> 00:12:05,976
...and get a
side order of nothin'.
249
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,524
♪♪
250
00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:24,790
Hi, there, sweet stuff.
251
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:33,410
How are you doing,
my spicy pumpkin?
252
00:12:35,344 --> 00:12:36,726
I'm in a great mood today,
Kotter.
253
00:12:36,809 --> 00:12:39,433
Did you see that new
Spanish teacher I hired?
254
00:12:39,453 --> 00:12:40,852
Oh, yeah,
I just saw her in the hall.
255
00:12:40,853 --> 00:12:43,197
She's a little difficult
to understand, isn't she?
256
00:12:43,198 --> 00:12:44,498
She talks a lot better
when she takes
257
00:12:44,499 --> 00:12:46,627
the rose out of her mouth.
258
00:12:47,964 --> 00:12:49,564
Whenever she speaks
I can almost hear
259
00:12:49,647 --> 00:12:52,527
the sound of... castanets.
260
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:54,633
I think it's loose dentures.
261
00:12:57,267 --> 00:13:00,075
What happened to the fire
in your soul, Kotter?
262
00:13:00,158 --> 00:13:03,594
Oh, don't mind me, Mr. Woodman,
my pilot light just went out.
263
00:13:03,677 --> 00:13:04,725
Fire!
264
00:13:04,808 --> 00:13:07,380
[tap dancing]
265
00:13:07,463 --> 00:13:08,920
Ole!
266
00:13:15,983 --> 00:13:17,445
What's with him?
267
00:13:17,528 --> 00:13:20,248
He, uh, he's in love
with the new Spanish teacher.
268
00:13:20,331 --> 00:13:22,594
Really? Does he speak Spanish?
269
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:23,796
Only two words.
270
00:13:23,879 --> 00:13:25,685
"Taco" and "Bell."
271
00:13:27,465 --> 00:13:30,767
- What's that?
- Oh. We're having a picnic.
272
00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:32,590
A picnic? I thought
we were going out to eat.
273
00:13:32,673 --> 00:13:35,024
Oh, I thought
this would be more fun.
274
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:37,058
Oh, yeah, that's sweet.
275
00:13:37,141 --> 00:13:39,524
A picnic.
Did you bring the ants?
276
00:13:41,565 --> 00:13:43,215
I'll tell you what...
277
00:13:43,298 --> 00:13:45,000
...I won't bring any ants
278
00:13:45,083 --> 00:13:47,540
if you won't bring
any uncles.
279
00:13:54,809 --> 00:13:56,690
Very funny.
280
00:13:56,989 --> 00:13:59,126
Which tree should I spread
the blanket under?
281
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:00,109
Well, not this one.
282
00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:02,329
There's too many
pigeons up there.
283
00:14:02,412 --> 00:14:03,512
How about the one
over there?
284
00:14:03,512 --> 00:14:05,775
- By the bend in the chairs?
- Okay, honey.
285
00:14:05,776 --> 00:14:09,475
- How's the grading going?
- Very strange.
286
00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,999
Well, what's
so strange about it?
287
00:14:11,082 --> 00:14:14,643
Well, so far, every paper
I've read has been terrific.
288
00:14:14,726 --> 00:14:16,402
Well, what's wrong with that?
289
00:14:16,485 --> 00:14:18,728
Julie, they are Sweathogs.
290
00:14:18,811 --> 00:14:21,225
Sweathogs do not get A's.
291
00:14:21,308 --> 00:14:22,361
Well, what about Vinnie?
292
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:24,908
I always save Vinnie's
for last.
293
00:14:24,928 --> 00:14:27,831
He always reads better
when I'm a little tired.
294
00:14:29,795 --> 00:14:31,399
I better grade
Juan's while we eat.
295
00:14:31,482 --> 00:14:32,942
Okay.
296
00:14:33,025 --> 00:14:35,332
He's writing it
on Franklin Roosevelt.
297
00:14:35,415 --> 00:14:38,914
"Franklin Delano Roosevelt
by Juan Delano Epstein."
298
00:14:38,914 --> 00:14:41,537
Let me see it.
299
00:14:44,130 --> 00:14:46,270
You know, it's really strange,
when I was in high school
300
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,713
I did my term paper
on Franklin Roosevelt.
301
00:14:48,796 --> 00:14:50,215
I called him
a mighty white knight
302
00:14:50,298 --> 00:14:52,257
that fights for what's right.
303
00:14:52,315 --> 00:14:53,772
[chuckles]
304
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:58,329
Really? So does Juan.
305
00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:05,703
"Mighty white knight
who tried to do what was right."
306
00:15:09,021 --> 00:15:12,992
This is it. This is the paper
I handed in 11 years ago.
307
00:15:19,175 --> 00:15:20,496
Hey, Epstein,
what happened, huh?
308
00:15:20,579 --> 00:15:22,098
I mean, what happened,
tell me what happened, huh?
309
00:15:22,181 --> 00:15:24,163
These papers here
were supposed to be guaranteed.
310
00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:25,003
What happened?
311
00:15:25,003 --> 00:15:27,105
Mr. Kotter, he gave us all F's.
312
00:15:27,105 --> 00:15:29,209
Yeah, five bucks for an F,
Epstein.
313
00:15:29,209 --> 00:15:32,379
I could have done it
for free and gotten one.
314
00:15:33,329 --> 00:15:35,272
Well, look, I-I-I don't
know what went wrong.
315
00:15:35,355 --> 00:15:36,791
I mean,
these were foolproof, uh...
316
00:15:36,857 --> 00:15:38,842
They never failed
to get good grades before.
317
00:15:38,842 --> 00:15:41,505
He knows.
Mr. Kotter knows.
318
00:15:41,588 --> 00:15:43,285
He knows. He knows!
319
00:15:43,368 --> 00:15:44,873
Mr. Kotter knows!
320
00:15:44,956 --> 00:15:47,327
He knows. He knows!
321
00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:50,094
[groaning]
322
00:15:52,032 --> 00:15:54,299
Arnold, u-uh,
he doesn't know.
323
00:15:54,382 --> 00:15:56,170
How do you know
he doesn't know?
324
00:15:56,253 --> 00:15:57,769
'Cause if he knew,
we'd know he'd knew
325
00:15:57,852 --> 00:16:00,488
because if he knew,
he'd let us know.
326
00:16:01,497 --> 00:16:03,912
That's easy for you to say.
327
00:16:04,861 --> 00:16:06,660
Well, I don't care
if he knows or not.
328
00:16:06,743 --> 00:16:09,647
All I know is that
you better get our money back.
329
00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:12,631
Alright, Jack. Be cool, sly.
I'm working on it.
330
00:16:12,711 --> 00:16:15,039
- I'm working on it.
- Oh, yeah?
331
00:16:16,315 --> 00:16:18,415
Well, work a little harder.
332
00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:20,598
Yeah, work overtime.
333
00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:22,660
Yeah.
334
00:16:24,627 --> 00:16:26,737
[grunting]
335
00:16:29,611 --> 00:16:31,742
Come on, you guys.
336
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,006
Get our money back.
337
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:38,630
Hi, Juan, how you doing?
338
00:16:38,713 --> 00:16:40,676
I've seen better days,
I've seen worse.
339
00:16:40,696 --> 00:16:44,321
How'd you do in your term paper?
I got a B-minus.
340
00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:46,432
I should've bought mine
from you.
341
00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:51,750
Well, well, well.
342
00:16:52,332 --> 00:16:56,055
You must be the, uh,
the new little Sweathog-ess.
343
00:16:57,698 --> 00:17:00,841
When you get tired of these
guys, look me up, you know?
344
00:17:00,924 --> 00:17:05,388
Do you hear that? When you
get tired of them, look us up.
345
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,310
I will,
in the Yellow Pages...
346
00:17:08,393 --> 00:17:09,947
...under "Sleaze balls."
347
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,277
[Juan] Doi! Doi!
348
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:13,821
Doi!
349
00:17:14,177 --> 00:17:15,744
That's cute.
She's real cute, you know?
350
00:17:15,828 --> 00:17:20,354
But, uh, she'd be cuter
with a mouthful of marbles.
351
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:24,386
You know, Carvelli, you have
to move up just to be the pits.
352
00:17:25,762 --> 00:17:28,661
That's what you think,
Epstein.
353
00:17:28,744 --> 00:17:31,731
My man, Carvelli,
don't have to move up.
354
00:17:31,814 --> 00:17:34,142
He's already the pits!
355
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:43,533
Hey, Murray, you know,
if you ever find yourself...
356
00:17:43,617 --> 00:17:45,778
...you're gonna be
very disappointed.
357
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:49,401
- Hey, Carvelli.
- What is it?
358
00:17:49,484 --> 00:17:51,226
I want you
to take a look at this.
359
00:17:51,289 --> 00:17:54,009
'Cause this here,
the bum term papers you sold us
360
00:17:54,091 --> 00:17:55,333
they all got F's,
take a look.
361
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,132
What do you mean?
This is impossible.
362
00:17:57,215 --> 00:18:00,013
These papers always
got good grades before.
363
00:18:00,097 --> 00:18:02,497
I know what it is, Epstein,
I'll tell you right now.
364
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:05,398
You are stupid,
and so are your teachers.
365
00:18:05,482 --> 00:18:07,263
And dumb!
366
00:18:08,686 --> 00:18:12,348
Hey, Murray, stick to what I say
and don't paraphrase, alright?
367
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:15,009
Hear that, Epstein?
368
00:18:15,092 --> 00:18:16,852
Don't paraphrase.
369
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:21,833
Yeah, well, uh, these papers,
you know, they was guaranteed.
370
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,717
So, uh, why don't you
just cough up our money?
371
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,205
Oh, yeah? O-or what?
372
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:28,780
Or you're gonna be
coughing up internal organs.
373
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:30,178
Do you think
I'm gonna cough organs?
374
00:18:30,178 --> 00:18:33,123
I don't think you, you know
who you are speaking to.
375
00:18:33,124 --> 00:18:34,466
Are you talking to me?
376
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:36,331
No, I'm talking
to the bushes over there.
377
00:18:36,331 --> 00:18:37,814
Well, you must be
talking to me
378
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:39,382
'cause there
ain't nobody else here.
379
00:18:39,382 --> 00:18:41,493
[indistinct clamoring]
380
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:46,207
Hey, hey, hey. What's goin' on?
381
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,872
Nothin'. Nothin'. Nothin'.
382
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:49,814
Hey, that's a nice coat.
383
00:18:49,898 --> 00:18:51,997
Youse another one?
384
00:18:52,438 --> 00:18:53,995
I'll let you know.
385
00:18:54,078 --> 00:18:56,496
You guys, uh, helping each other
with your geometry homework?
386
00:18:56,579 --> 00:18:57,972
Yeah, yeah, that's it,
geometry.
387
00:18:58,042 --> 00:18:59,521
Come on, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
388
00:18:59,584 --> 00:19:02,739
Let's go, little, uh, obtuse.
Let's go get hypotenuse.
389
00:19:04,471 --> 00:19:06,554
Obtuse. Hypotenuse.
390
00:19:08,597 --> 00:19:12,880
Hey, Mr. Kotter, uh, do you mind
if I ask you a question?
391
00:19:12,964 --> 00:19:15,063
No, go ahead, Juan.
392
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:18,467
How come these perfectly
good term papers got F's?
393
00:19:18,551 --> 00:19:19,850
Well, I don't know what
you're complaining about.
394
00:19:19,934 --> 00:19:22,256
They're perfectly good F's.
395
00:19:22,914 --> 00:19:24,474
Besides, you didn't
write 'em yourself.
396
00:19:24,557 --> 00:19:26,817
In fact,
I think you bought them.
397
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:29,785
You are accusing me,
Juan Epstein, a...
398
00:19:29,785 --> 00:19:31,787
a perfectly good
and upstanding citizen
399
00:19:31,788 --> 00:19:34,391
of this here, community of,
of cheatin'?
400
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,112
I-I-I'm at a loss for words.
401
00:19:37,196 --> 00:19:41,434
The paper you handed in was the
one I handed in 11 years ago.
402
00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:48,962
It's a small world, isn't it?
403
00:19:50,618 --> 00:19:53,940
Well, look, you ain't gonna get
it outta me who I got 'em from.
404
00:19:54,022 --> 00:19:55,322
I mean, that
would be rattin' right? And...
405
00:19:55,323 --> 00:19:56,702
And even though,
I'd be rattin' on
406
00:19:56,785 --> 00:19:58,770
a dirty rotten fink, uh, I-I...
407
00:19:58,771 --> 00:20:00,308
I just ain't gonna tell you.
408
00:20:00,309 --> 00:20:02,272
Well, you don't have
to rat on anybody, Juan.
409
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:04,295
I already know it was Carvelli.
410
00:20:04,296 --> 00:20:06,580
Good. Wanna know where he lives?
411
00:20:08,060 --> 00:20:09,699
You don't have to
tell me that, Juan.
412
00:20:09,782 --> 00:20:12,882
Honorable father already know
where he lives.
413
00:20:12,965 --> 00:20:15,163
Gee, pop, you know everything.
414
00:20:16,311 --> 00:20:19,071
Honorable father very smart,
number one son.
415
00:20:19,155 --> 00:20:21,524
Buy Xerox at 42.
416
00:20:22,434 --> 00:20:24,379
Sell it at 43.
417
00:20:24,462 --> 00:20:27,660
Well, how did you figure
on Carvelli, pop?
418
00:20:27,744 --> 00:20:30,430
Ah, good question,
number one son.
419
00:20:30,513 --> 00:20:32,294
Old Chinese proverb.
420
00:20:32,378 --> 00:20:34,704
"Man who try to pull
wool over eyes...
421
00:20:34,724 --> 00:20:37,327
...wind up with
sheep on face."
422
00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:44,855
[Carvelli] Psst! Hey, Epstein.
423
00:20:45,112 --> 00:20:45,954
Epstein.
424
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,079
- Carvelli, what are you--
- Shh. Shh. Epstein.
425
00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:49,317
I'm outta business.
426
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,942
Half of Brooklyn's out
to break my face.
427
00:20:50,962 --> 00:20:52,380
What's the story, Epstein?
428
00:20:52,464 --> 00:20:54,705
Well, Kotter blew the whistle
on the phony papers scam.
429
00:20:54,705 --> 00:20:57,709
- The man knew all along.
- Oh, I can't believe it.
430
00:20:57,729 --> 00:20:59,568
Yeah, he passed out a list
of all the phony papers
431
00:20:59,651 --> 00:21:01,052
to all the teachers
in the district.
432
00:21:01,071 --> 00:21:02,754
That dirty rat!
433
00:21:02,773 --> 00:21:05,537
Every time one of 'em
turns up, they get a big F.
434
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,115
Guy's the lowest.
435
00:21:07,198 --> 00:21:08,637
I've never heard
of anything so dirty
436
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,874
or rotten
or under-handed.
437
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,307
I could use a guy like that.
438
00:21:15,923 --> 00:21:17,011
So, what are you gonna do
with yourself
439
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,045
now that the heat's on?
440
00:21:18,045 --> 00:21:19,424
I don't know,
I think maybe I'll, uh
441
00:21:19,507 --> 00:21:21,335
steal a motor home
and just
442
00:21:21,349 --> 00:21:23,328
sleep until the heat's off,
you know?
443
00:21:23,411 --> 00:21:25,370
See ya later.
444
00:21:25,454 --> 00:21:27,824
Don't forget
to back over yourself.
445
00:21:29,916 --> 00:21:32,119
Epstein, I'm glad
you're here. Come on.
446
00:21:32,202 --> 00:21:34,382
Alright... now, I have decided
447
00:21:34,465 --> 00:21:36,744
to give all you guys
one more chance.
448
00:21:36,828 --> 00:21:39,430
Now, count it. One.
449
00:21:41,531 --> 00:21:42,991
[all] One.
450
00:21:44,806 --> 00:21:46,925
And I want you
to make sure you do
451
00:21:47,008 --> 00:21:49,367
your term papers
yourselves this time.
452
00:21:49,450 --> 00:21:50,491
Alright, but, Mr. Kotter
453
00:21:50,491 --> 00:21:53,287
can I still do
the potato famine?
454
00:21:53,370 --> 00:21:55,013
Oh, I don't think so, Vinnie.
455
00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:57,118
Mr. Kotter, I'll do it
different this time, I'll...
456
00:21:57,118 --> 00:22:00,823
I-I'll do it from the point
of view of the potato.
457
00:22:04,563 --> 00:22:07,225
Make sure you go
to the library this time, okay?
458
00:22:07,309 --> 00:22:09,008
I mean, like, what for,
nobody ain't sellin' no
459
00:22:09,090 --> 00:22:10,892
term papers there right?
460
00:22:10,892 --> 00:22:13,045
[laughing]
461
00:22:15,326 --> 00:22:16,708
Hey, just kiddin', foolin'.
462
00:22:16,792 --> 00:22:18,793
Well, I for one, am very happy
463
00:22:18,856 --> 00:22:21,518
to vindicate myself,
Mr. Kotter.
464
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:23,881
And I've even
made up my own topic.
465
00:22:23,965 --> 00:22:25,425
"King Tut.
466
00:22:25,829 --> 00:22:29,375
The story of a man
all wrapped up in himself."
467
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:33,459
Hey, Mr. Kotter.
468
00:22:33,542 --> 00:22:35,384
How come you're gonna give us
a second chance, huh?
469
00:22:35,467 --> 00:22:36,849
- How come?
- Yeah, how come, man?
470
00:22:36,869 --> 00:22:38,391
What made you change
your mind on us?
471
00:22:38,474 --> 00:22:41,208
Well... I told you guys that, uh
472
00:22:41,208 --> 00:22:44,648
when I went to school here,
I handed in that term paper.
473
00:22:44,732 --> 00:22:46,130
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
474
00:22:46,214 --> 00:22:47,674
But, uh...
475
00:22:49,348 --> 00:22:51,589
I never said I wrote it.
476
00:22:56,002 --> 00:22:58,324
He is kidding us, isn't he?
477
00:22:58,407 --> 00:23:01,732
Ah, he must be kidding. He would
never do anything like that.
478
00:23:01,732 --> 00:23:03,792
Oh, yes, he would,
Arnold Horshack.
479
00:23:03,855 --> 00:23:04,852
He wasn't kiddin'.
480
00:23:04,936 --> 00:23:06,977
Kiddin' about what?
481
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,190
What's the matter,
you got no brains in your mind?
482
00:23:11,190 --> 00:23:13,344
[indistinct clamoring]
483
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,076
I'm so confused!
484
00:23:17,609 --> 00:23:18,875
Come on.
485
00:23:18,958 --> 00:23:21,069
[clamoring continues]
486
00:23:25,264 --> 00:23:28,486
- Hi, honey.
- Hi. Another picnic?
487
00:23:28,939 --> 00:23:30,261
The other one went over
so great
488
00:23:30,281 --> 00:23:31,763
I thought
you deserved another one.
489
00:23:31,763 --> 00:23:34,545
Okay, but this time
I gotta bring one of my uncles.
490
00:23:34,628 --> 00:23:37,349
- Okay, which one?
- My Uncle Joe.
491
00:23:37,432 --> 00:23:38,392
The drunk?
492
00:23:38,475 --> 00:23:39,736
That's right.
My Uncle Joe, the drunk.
493
00:23:39,815 --> 00:23:41,776
Now, one time, he was in a bar,
he's making a lot of noise
494
00:23:41,859 --> 00:23:43,798
and this woman comes over,
and she says
495
00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:47,166
"Sir, you are drunk and
you're making too much noise."
496
00:23:47,186 --> 00:23:48,623
- What did he say?
- He said...
497
00:23:48,628 --> 00:23:52,252
"My dear woman,
you're ugly."
498
00:23:53,538 --> 00:23:55,860
And she says, "Why,
you're the drunkest man
499
00:23:55,944 --> 00:23:57,545
I've ever seen in my life."
500
00:23:57,628 --> 00:23:59,373
- And he sa--
- And he says...
501
00:23:59,373 --> 00:24:02,016
"But I'll wake up
tomorrow morning sober
502
00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:04,642
and you'll still be ugly."
503
00:24:08,267 --> 00:24:09,727
♪♪
504
00:24:15,796 --> 00:24:18,081
[theme song]
505
00:24:23,151 --> 00:24:25,941
♪ Welcome back ♪
506
00:24:26,024 --> 00:24:29,135
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
507
00:24:29,723 --> 00:24:32,033
♪ Welcome back ♪
508
00:24:32,117 --> 00:24:36,647
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
509
00:24:36,730 --> 00:24:38,995
♪ Well the names
have all changed ♪
510
00:24:39,079 --> 00:24:41,303
♪ Since you hung around ♪
511
00:24:41,387 --> 00:24:43,219
♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪
512
00:24:43,302 --> 00:24:45,787
♪ And they've turned around ♪
513
00:24:45,870 --> 00:24:47,918
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪
514
00:24:48,002 --> 00:24:50,008
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪
515
00:24:50,091 --> 00:24:51,879
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
516
00:24:51,963 --> 00:24:54,099
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
517
00:24:54,182 --> 00:24:55,971
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
518
00:24:56,054 --> 00:24:58,014
♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪
519
00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,454
♪ Welcome back ♪
520
00:25:00,537 --> 00:25:04,715
♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪
38358
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