Original subtitles

Here you are, Kotter.

Uh, Mr. Woodman.

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Murrow?

He was a biologist.

One time he crossed a tarantula and a horse.

- What'd he get? - He doesn't know.

But if it bites you, you can ride it to the doctor.

[laughing sarcastically]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Hey, Epstein.

Epstein, come here. Come here.

What's taking him so long, huh?

Hey, look, are you sure Carvelli's gonna show up?

Sure. Sure. I'm sure.

Yeah, well, I can't stand out in this cold

much longer, you know?

My afro's liable to freeze and snap off.

Hey, look, Carvelli's rotten

but the man is reliable.

Hey, look, are you sure Mr. Kotter don't know nothin'--

He don't know nothin' about this.

Well, I just hope Carvelli's bringing enough term papers

for all of us guys to pass.

Yup. Five bucks a piece.

They're all guaranteed A's.

- Top quality, huh? - You bet. Just the top.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Oh.

Hi, there.

Bye, there.

What's the matter with Freddy, uh...

Does it have something to do with my deodorant?

What're you doin' here?

I work here.

[chuckles] Why, I-I bet you'd like to be up in your classroom

right now preparing for your classes, huh?

I mean, a teacher like you must prepare 15, 20 minutes

just for one class.

Look, I know I go into your class, you're one prepared--

Epstein! I'm going upstairs, right now.

- Are you coming? - Uh, no.

No. I-I'm gonna stay in here

and, uh, break in a new pair of socks.

Alright, well, come on. Class starts in a couple of minutes.

Yeah. yeah. Ha-ha.

Well, well, well, Epstein.

The man who put the sweat into Sweathog.

Hear that, Epstein?

Carvelli say you put the sweat in Sweathogs.

Yeah, I heard him, Murray.

Look, you got the term papers?

Yeah, I got that. I got a more important question.

- Have you got the money? - Yeah. I got 20 bucks.

- I want four of 'em. - Yeah. You sure?

Because, uh, with another five bucks

you can have your teacher...

...pushed under a bus.

And, uh, for an extra ten

I'll make it look like an accident.

That's cute, Murray. I like that.

Alright, come on, come on, hurry up.

I don't want nobody to see me here talkin'.

I feel disgusted at what I'm doing. I feel sick inside.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that before. Sure, alright, let's see.

Epstein, your category

was social studies for $20. Heh!

That sounds like a gameshow, don't it?

Hear that, Epstein, Carvelli wants to know

if it sounds like a gameshow.

Sure. I'll take Paul Lind to block.

[laughing]

Alright, alright, come on, come on, Murray.

Let's, let's go here, let's show, uh, Mr. Epstein

our impressive line of, uh, term papers.

Alright. I think you're gonna like this.

Oh, this is a beautiful one.

"Do you mind if I smoke?"

The real story of Joan of Arc.

Take a look.

It's a good paper. It's a strong paper.

Lot of vowels.

You'll like it.

Are you sure these papers is on the up and up?

Hey, hey, hey, come on!

These papers are guaranteed, or your money back.

Oh. That's what I like about you, Carvelli.

You stand behind what you steal.

- Hey, what's happening, Marky? - Hey, Mark.

- Hey, I got 'em. I-I got 'em. - What? Wait, yo!

Okay, what are they on? What are they on? Yeah.

Uh, Freddie, you got "The Dust Bowl."

Hey, Epstein.

I can't do no term paper on dust.

I hate dust.

Besides...

...dust killed my great grandmother.

What?

Dust killed your great grandmother?

Oh, no, Freddie, tell me it ain't so.

Okay, I'mma tell you all. I'mma tell you just how it happened.

See, one day, my great granny was shaking

her mop out her window

when all of a sudden

this big powerful gust of wind came in

and sucked her and the mop straight up

and took 'em clear over New Jersey.

You're lyin'.

Would you believe Pennsylvania?

Here, now that we got that settled, here, Vinnie, uh

you got "The great Irish potato famine."

"The great Irish potato famine?"

What's, what's so good about, uh, great Irish potato famine?

Well, I know, I know what that was about. I know that one.

That's when, uh, the whole country ran out of potatoes.

The whole country ran out of potatoes?

Yeah.

Imagine all of the butter and sour cream

that was left over.

[laughing]

Well, uh, speaking of sour cream...

...where's Arnold Horshack?

Uh, Arnold's already in there

having his conference with Mr. Kotter.

So, Arnold, have you decided what you're gonna do

your term paper on?

So, Mr. Kotter...

...how's the family?

Fine. Everybody's fine.

Arnold, I think an interesting--

The twins are getting big.

Yeah, they're growing every day.

You know, Arnold, I'd like to see you do something--

And ain't it amazing how fast

Mrs. Kotter got her figure back?

Amazing.

You too.

Arnold, are you gonna do a term paper on my family?

Alright, Mr. Kotter, I gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm glad Epstein reminded you.

- Don't go away, okay? - I'll be here.

Epstein, I don't wanna be pushy

but would you mind telling me

what I'm doing my term paper on?

Sure. You got "Joseph Stalin and the purges."

Who were the purges?

Uh, I think they was Joe's back-up group.

Yeah, yeah, they had a big hit a while back

called "The Vulgar Boatmen."

"The Vulgar Boatmen?" Oh, I hate "The Vulgar Boatmen."

- Why? - Because...

On the Staten Island ferry, you see them all the time.

T-t-they're dirty, they talk dirty.

They spit on themselves.

Disgusting. I hate 'em.

Hi, guys!

- Hey, Angie, what's happening? - Hi, Angie!

Have you started your term paper yet?

Yeah, I already finished mine. Look, right here.

Oh, I was thinking about doing mine

on Marilyn Monroe.

Why stop there, why not do all those bleach blondes

and call it "Roots?"

Thanks.

Listen, little Juan.

I just don't feel right about this whole thing.

I mean, turning in somebody else's term paper.

- That's not right. I'm sorry-- - Come on, Arnold Horshack!

It's time you faced the facts of life!

[screaming]

Not those facts!

Come on!

Now, look...

...it's better to cheat with honor

than fail with disgrace.

Alright, now, I want you to get back in there

and I want you to remember one thing for me.

Joseph Stalin.

- Joseph. Joseph Stalin. - You say it.

- Joseph Sta... - That's it. He got it.

- Would you repeat that for me-- - Will you get in there?

- Everything okay, Arnold? - Joseph Stalin!

Was he in the bathroom with you and Epstein?

[chuckling]

Mr. Kotter. He-he-he!

That's what I wanted to do my term paper on. Joseph Stalin.

Oh, I admire Joseph Stalin.

Arnold, if you wanna do a term paper on Stalin, that's fine.

Let's not admire the man.

He sent 25 million innocent men, women and children

to labor camps in Siberia.

What do you admire about that?

The trains. He always got them there on time.

Arnold, go to the library.

Read a little bit about Joseph Stalin.

You'll find him in between "Attila the Hun"

and "Jack the Ripper."

Right you are, Mr. Kotter.

And as they say in Siberia...

...br-r-r!

Yeah!

Mr. Kotter? Are you ready to see me now?

- I'm ready to see you now. - Good, 'cause I'm running late.

Mr. Kotter, I just want to tell you

how excited I am about this, this term paper.

I-it's, it's all I can think about lately.

- Really, Vinnie? - Yeah.

I'm happy to see you so involved.

Oh, yes, I-I'm really into it.

Well, what subject are you gonna write about?

What?

What subject have you decided to do your term paper on?

Um...

I... Just give me a sec, I'll think of it.

Does it have anything to do with history?

Yeah, oh, t-t-the great French fry phantom.

The French fry phantom?

Yeah, I just heard the news. No potatoes.

I think, I think it happened in, i-in England or Ireland.

Some place where they, where they speak English really funny.

As opposed to Brooklyn where we speak it perfectly?

[Vinnie] Yes.

What are you talking about, French fry phantom?

The phantom, you know, when you can't get nothing to eat

you have a phantom.

Famine!

A famine. French fry famine?

- Irish potato famine? - Yeah, that's it. That's it.

It's, it's the same thing. I just said it a little different.

Of course, it's the same thing.

French fry phantom, Irish potato famine.

Must've been really terrible, huh, Mr. Kotter?

I mean, imagine, go any place in the country

you could order a hamburger...

...and get a side order of nothin'.

♪♪

Hi, there, sweet stuff.

How are you doing, my spicy pumpkin?

I'm in a great mood today, Kotter.

Did you see that new Spanish teacher I hired?

Oh, yeah, I just saw her in the hall.

She's a little difficult to understand, isn't she?

She talks a lot better when she takes

the rose out of her mouth.

Whenever she speaks I can almost hear

the sound of... castanets.

I think it's loose dentures.

What happened to the fire in your soul, Kotter?

Oh, don't mind me, Mr. Woodman, my pilot light just went out.

Fire!

[tap dancing]

Ole!

What's with him?

He, uh, he's in love with the new Spanish teacher.

Really? Does he speak Spanish?

Only two words.

"Taco" and "Bell."

- What's that? - Oh. We're having a picnic.

A picnic? I thought we were going out to eat.

Oh, I thought this would be more fun.

Oh, yeah, that's sweet.

A picnic. Did you bring the ants?

I'll tell you what...

...I won't bring any ants

if you won't bring any uncles.

Very funny.

Which tree should I spread the blanket under?

Well, not this one.

There's too many pigeons up there.

How about the one over there?

- By the bend in the chairs? - Okay, honey.

- How's the grading going? - Very strange.

Well, what's so strange about it?

Well, so far, every paper I've read has been terrific.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Julie, they are Sweathogs.

Sweathogs do not get A's.

Well, what about Vinnie?

I always save Vinnie's for last.

He always reads better when I'm a little tired.

I better grade Juan's while we eat.

Okay.

He's writing it on Franklin Roosevelt.

"Franklin Delano Roosevelt by Juan Delano Epstein."

Let me see it.

You know, it's really strange, when I was in high school

I did my term paper on Franklin Roosevelt.

I called him a mighty white knight

that fights for what's right.

[chuckles]

Really? So does Juan.

"Mighty white knight who tried to do what was right."

This is it. This is the paper I handed in 11 years ago.

Hey, Epstein, what happened, huh?

I mean, what happened, tell me what happened, huh?

These papers here were supposed to be guaranteed.

What happened?

Mr. Kotter, he gave us all F's.

Yeah, five bucks for an F, Epstein.

I could have done it for free and gotten one.

Well, look, I-I-I don't know what went wrong.

I mean, these were foolproof, uh...

They never failed to get good grades before.

He knows. Mr. Kotter knows.

He knows. He knows!

Mr. Kotter knows!

He knows. He knows!

[groaning]

Arnold, u-uh, he doesn't know.

How do you know he doesn't know?

'Cause if he knew, we'd know he'd knew

because if he knew, he'd let us know.

That's easy for you to say.

Well, I don't care if he knows or not.

All I know is that you better get our money back.

Alright, Jack. Be cool, sly. I'm working on it.

- I'm working on it. - Oh, yeah?

Well, work a little harder.

Yeah, work overtime.

Yeah.

[grunting]

Come on, you guys.

Get our money back.

Hi, Juan, how you doing?

I've seen better days, I've seen worse.

How'd you do in your term paper? I got a B-minus.

I should've bought mine from you.

Well, well, well.

You must be the, uh, the new little Sweathog-ess.

When you get tired of these guys, look me up, you know?

Do you hear that? When you get tired of them, look us up.

I will, in the Yellow Pages...

...under "Sleaze balls."

[Juan] Doi! Doi!

Doi!

That's cute. She's real cute, you know?

But, uh, she'd be cuter with a mouthful of marbles.

You know, Carvelli, you have to move up just to be the pits.

That's what you think, Epstein.

My man, Carvelli, don't have to move up.

He's already the pits!

Hey, Murray, you know, if you ever find yourself...

...you're gonna be very disappointed.

- Hey, Carvelli. - What is it?

I want you to take a look at this.

'Cause this here, the bum term papers you sold us

they all got F's, take a look.

What do you mean? This is impossible.

These papers always got good grades before.

I know what it is, Epstein, I'll tell you right now.

You are stupid, and so are your teachers.

And dumb!

Hey, Murray, stick to what I say and don't paraphrase, alright?

Hear that, Epstein?

Don't paraphrase.

Yeah, well, uh, these papers, you know, they was guaranteed.

So, uh, why don't you just cough up our money?

Oh, yeah? O-or what?

Or you're gonna be coughing up internal organs.

Do you think I'm gonna cough organs?

I don't think you, you know who you are speaking to.

Are you talking to me?

No, I'm talking to the bushes over there.

Well, you must be talking to me

'cause there ain't nobody else here.

[indistinct clamoring]

Hey, hey, hey. What's goin' on?

Nothin'. Nothin'. Nothin'.

Hey, that's a nice coat.

Youse another one?

I'll let you know.

You guys, uh, helping each other with your geometry homework?

Yeah, yeah, that's it, geometry.

Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go.

Let's go, little, uh, obtuse. Let's go get hypotenuse.

Obtuse. Hypotenuse.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, uh, do you mind if I ask you a question?

No, go ahead, Juan.

How come these perfectly good term papers got F's?

Well, I don't know what you're complaining about.

They're perfectly good F's.

Besides, you didn't write 'em yourself.

In fact, I think you bought them.

You are accusing me, Juan Epstein, a...

a perfectly good and upstanding citizen

of this here, community of, of cheatin'?

I-I-I'm at a loss for words.

The paper you handed in was the one I handed in 11 years ago.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Well, look, you ain't gonna get it outta me who I got 'em from.

I mean, that would be rattin' right? And...

And even though, I'd be rattin' on

a dirty rotten fink, uh, I-I...

I just ain't gonna tell you.

Well, you don't have to rat on anybody, Juan.

I already know it was Carvelli.

Good. Wanna know where he lives?

You don't have to tell me that, Juan.

Honorable father already know where he lives.

Gee, pop, you know everything.

Honorable father very smart, number one son.

Buy Xerox at 42.

Sell it at 43.

Well, how did you figure on Carvelli, pop?

Ah, good question, number one son.

Old Chinese proverb.

"Man who try to pull wool over eyes...

...wind up with sheep on face."

[Carvelli] Psst! Hey, Epstein.

Epstein.

- Carvelli, what are you-- - Shh. Shh. Epstein.

I'm outta business.

Half of Brooklyn's out to break my face.

What's the story, Epstein?

Well, Kotter blew the whistle on the phony papers scam.

- The man knew all along. - Oh, I can't believe it.

Yeah, he passed out a list of all the phony papers

to all the teachers in the district.

That dirty rat!

Every time one of 'em turns up, they get a big F.

Guy's the lowest.

I've never heard of anything so dirty

or rotten or under-handed.

I could use a guy like that.

So, what are you gonna do with yourself

now that the heat's on?

I don't know, I think maybe I'll, uh

steal a motor home and just

sleep until the heat's off, you know?

See ya later.

Don't forget to back over yourself.

Epstein, I'm glad you're here. Come on.

Alright... now, I have decided

to give all you guys one more chance.

Now, count it. One.

[all] One.

And I want you to make sure you do

your term papers yourselves this time.

Alright, but, Mr. Kotter

can I still do the potato famine?

Oh, I don't think so, Vinnie.

Mr. Kotter, I'll do it different this time, I'll...

I-I'll do it from the point of view of the potato.

Make sure you go to the library this time, okay?

I mean, like, what for, nobody ain't sellin' no

term papers there right?

[laughing]

Hey, just kiddin', foolin'.

Well, I for one, am very happy

to vindicate myself, Mr. Kotter.

And I've even made up my own topic.

"King Tut.

The story of a man all wrapped up in himself."

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

How come you're gonna give us a second chance, huh?

- How come? - Yeah, how come, man?

What made you change your mind on us?

Well... I told you guys that, uh

when I went to school here, I handed in that term paper.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

But, uh...

I never said I wrote it.

He is kidding us, isn't he?

Ah, he must be kidding. He would never do anything like that.

Oh, yes, he would, Arnold Horshack.

He wasn't kiddin'.

Kiddin' about what?

What's the matter, you got no brains in your mind?

[indistinct clamoring]

I'm so confused!

Come on.

[clamoring continues]

- Hi, honey. - Hi. Another picnic?

The other one went over so great

I thought you deserved another one.

Okay, but this time I gotta bring one of my uncles.

- Okay, which one? - My Uncle Joe.

The drunk?

That's right. My Uncle Joe, the drunk.

Now, one time, he was in a bar, he's making a lot of noise

and this woman comes over, and she says

"Sir, you are drunk and you're making too much noise."

- What did he say? - He said...

"My dear woman, you're ugly."

And she says, "Why, you're the drunkest man

I've ever seen in my life."

- And he sa-- - And he says...

"But I'll wake up tomorrow morning sober

and you'll still be ugly."

♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪