Original subtitles

- Julie! - What?

There's an article in here about my Uncle Zoltan.

Not your famous Uncle Zoltan, the mad scientist?

Yes, that's what it says here

"Gabe's famous Uncle Zoltan, the mad scientist

"has just baffled the whole medical world

"by crossing a lion and a parrot

and he got something."

Well... um, this thing that he got.

- Yeah. - What did it say?

It says, "Polly wants a zebra."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

Okay, okay, alright.

Now today, I'd like to talk about

the equal rights amendment.

Now, before we get into that

let's get some background on the constitution.

Now, who remembers what the first part

of the constitution is?

Oh, I know it, I know.

[Gabe] Freddie.

Page one.

Open your books to the constitution.

Alright. Now, what is the first thing you see?

"Willie loves Edna."

Willie loves Edna.

Yeah, that's what it says right here.

"Willie loves Edna, but Edna loves Herman.

Herman loves Lila, but Lila loves everybody."

Somebody should tell Willie.

Enough, Arnold.

The first part of the constitution

is called the preamble, preamble.

The last part is made up of the amendments.

Now, how were the amendments created?

I-I can do that, I know that answer.

Alright, 'member the guy, he was an old guy

with a big white beard, right?

And-and he goes up the side of the mountain, right?

And when he gets to the top

he hears a lot of lightning and thunder

and-and boom!

And then he comes down, and written on a big rock

he's got the ten amendments.

But you see, then after, after that

it went to intermission, I got popcorn.

Vinnie, that's the commandments, Vinnie, not the amendments

the commandments, not amendments.

Oh.

Never mind.

Anybody else here wanna ramble aimlessly for a while?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Sit down!

That's enough aimless rambling for today.

- Kotter? - Now...

Alright, woo-hoo!

[class cheering]

Quiet, quiet!

Kotter, this is a new student.

Angie Grabowski, transferred from the Bronx.

Angie, Angie!

Alright, quiet down!

Quiet down, or we won't sweep out your cages.

Now, don't forget, Angie

until the shipment of mace arrives

my office is just a scream away.

In the meantime, you've entered the wild kingdom.

Get that, Kotter, the wild kingdom.

Hello, Angie, I'm Marlon Perkins.

Today, we will journey to the deepest, darkest

jungles of Brooklyn

where you will meet the Sweathogs

in their natural habitat.

First off, we have Arnold Horshack.

He's the last of a dying species.

Yeah... but he ain't dyin' fast enough.

Hello.

How are ya?

Are you here permanently, or are you just temporarily here

to drive us crazy?

Next, over here, we have an Epstein.

Now, he can be dangerous

so you gotta keep your windows rolled up at all times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't understand

what all you cats are gettin' all bent outta shape about, huh?

I mean, she's just another beautiful woman

you know what I mean?

Please touch me, look at me, anything!

Now, the Epstein can also be very gentle.

In fact, he'll take the food right out of your hand.

Alright, get out of here.

Hi, my name is Vinnie Barbarino.

And very shortly, you're gonna start to feel faint

and your knees are gonna start to buckle

and then, you'll fall in my arms

- And the, you're gonna-- - Alright, Vinnie, sit down!

Alright, Ralphie baby!

Now, last but not least, we have the Washington.

Now, he's smooth and suave and fast.

In fact, he can go up to 40 miles an hour...

...and that's just with his mouth.

Hi there.

Well, that's it, Angie, you met the Sweathogs.

Aw, everyone knows the Sweathogs.

They're legends, they're larger than life.

Yeah, everybody except for Arnold Horshack

he's shorter than life.

Okay, Angie, we were right in the middle of a lesson.

- So why don't you sit down? - Sure, Mr. Kotter.

Come sit over with me!

No, no, here!

You know, guys, I think we're gonna be great friends.

Oh, I certainly hope so.

Oh, I'm great at cheating.

Did you ever try writing the answers

down the front of your dress?

No, but I'd gladly erase 'em for you anytime you need it.

Oh, I'm great at hot-wiring cars.

Hey, baby, I can sneeze at will.

- Oh, but I can also-- - Angie, come on!

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter, but please don't spoil it.

This is, really, my greatest moment.

Your greatest moment?

Yeah... this is the moment that Angie Grabowski

becomes a Sweathog.

But, Angie, you're a girl.

Hey, Freddie, I don't remember us

ever havin' a girl in the Sweathogs.

Yeah.

Well, couldn't you start with me?

Look, Angie baby...

I would like to start somethin' with you

but this ain't it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should know that.

- Girls can't become guys. - That's right.

That's why they have separate washrooms.

We do?

Well, couldn't you at least make me an exception?

Look, um, Angie's the name, right?

Yeah.

Lemme, lemme put this to you

in a different kind of way... forget it!

Alright, now, no exceptions.

We start this up, and pretty soon

they'll be call the Sweathogs Vienna Girl Choir.

- But, guys, you just don't-- - Baloney!

[bell ringing]

Hey, guys, what do you feel like doing?

- You feel like shooting pool? - Okay.

Nah, we shot pool yesterday, let's go to a movie.

Okay.

No, man, we should do some stuff outdoors.

We can go over to the George Washington bridge

and hope that somebody jumps.

Nah, it's too cold outside.

Yeah, Angie's right.

It's too cold outside for anything like that.

Oh my, what did I say?

Hey, who asked you?

Well, I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn.

I-I'm just kinda new to the Sweathogs.

- Look, Angie Grombaslewski. - Grabowski.

Well, whatever your name is, sweetheart.

Now, look, for the last time

sittin' in that classroom over there don't make you

no Sweathog, understand?

Yeah.

Yeah, you see, the Sweathogs ain't a club.

It's a state of mind.

But I wanna be a Sweathog, I can do anything you guys can.

Oh?

Can you pick up girls?

Well, no.

Neither can I.

What's the matter with you guys, this is the 20th century!

Haven't you heard that women have been liberated?

How do you like that, huh, Vinnie?

I mean, I miss the 11 o'clock news one night

I don't know what's goin' on!

Hey, look... Angie, that's your name?

You gotta earn your way into the Sweathogs...

look at me baby, I'm talkin'.

My lips, they movin', understand... alright.

Now look, it ain't easy.

Now you take Arnold Horshack over there, for instance.

Now, how you think he became a Sweathog?

How did he become a Sweathog?

I don't know... during the membership drive.

Come on!

He's got a point there... well, anyway, look.

You wanna be in the Sweathogs, you gots to prove yourself.

But how can I?

- Well, one thing that you-- - Don't worry about it.

[commotion]

- I'll talk to you later. - No, he won't talk.

Alright, alright, alright, up-down, up-down, hey, hey, hey.

- Alright. - Thank you.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, here we go.

- You know something? - Yeah.

Them Bronx people, them people in the Bronx

they weird, man.

Of course, they're weird, you know?

Comes from living in the weirderness, oh yeah.

Yeah, I had a cousin of mine went up to the Bronx once.

Came back with some real horror stories.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

Took some picture of some lions and tiger and bears.

[in unison] Oh my!

- Lions and tigers and bears. - Oh my!

- Lions and tigers and bears. - Oh my!

Yeah, well, I don't think that that Angie's weird at all.

You know, comin' from you, Horshack

that don't mean nothin'.

Well, what is so weird about worshiping Sweathogs

all your life?

I think I'll forget I asked that.

Guys, pull up a seat, I got something to tell you.

Now, you see, I've got a plan that could get rid

of this Angie baby for good.

What we're gonna do is I'll take her home to my house, right

and lock her in a room with my mother.

You know what's gonna happen, right?

In two hours' time, that Angie Grabowski, right

she's gonna come out sister Angelina Theresa Philharmonica.

- Guaranteed. - Alright!

Okay, who did it?

Which one of you did it?

Hey, Mr. Woodman, didn't they tell you?

The wet look is out.

Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman... oh.

How many times do we gotta tell you?

First, you take your clothes off, then you take your shower.

Now say it with me first, you take your...

First, you take... come on!

One of you thieves set off the sprinkler system

in my office.

Freddie, did you do that? That's a great idea.

Wait a minute, man, wait a minute

I ain't did nothin'.

Well, someone here did.

Only a Sweathog would stoop so low.

Uh, I didn't stoop, Mr. Woodman.

I stood on a chair.

You?

Oh, how cute.

Convincing her, convincing her to take the blame

for something you did, what do you take me for

some kind of sap?

Well, you are drippin'.

Well, it won't work.

And when Principal Lazarus hears what you did

you have my promise, every one of you will be expelled

by tomorrow morning!

Expel me too, Mr. Woodman, just expel me too.

Angie...

...what did you go and do that for?

Well, I was just tryin' to prove myself.

Oh yeah, sure, sure... you proved that we can all get expelled.

Well, I'll get myself expelled too, I promise.

It's just hard being one of the Sweathogs.

We gotta stick together.

All for one and one for all.

Angie, go do me a favor, will ya?

Go gargle with glue.

Yeah, then try hanging from a ceiling...

...by your tongue.

Come on, Arnold, let's go, come on.

Guys, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I'm coming. - Right now.

Yeah, you're right Sweathogs don't cry.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter-er-er!

Listen, I thought that maybe you could help Angie out.

She's in a lot of trouble.

Yes, I heard.

Angie, how'd you do that it only took you four hours.

I think that's a new school record.

Look, Mr. Kotter, you see, I thought that maybe

you could give her a little advice

how to become a Sweathog the proper way, you know

like you taught me, remember?

Well, all I taught Arnold, Angie

was you gotta be yourself.

That's right.

And when that didn't work

I told him to be somebody else.

Oh, come on... help her.

Okay, Angie's problem is a little different, Arnold.

Come over here to my office, right over here.

Right this way.

Angie, what you were doing

was your old, basic trying too hard.

I mean, you really wanted to be accepted

and you got everybody in a lot of trouble

and Woodman get all wet.

Not that he wasn't in the first place.

Yeah, I guess I was just trying much too hard.

Yeah.

Lemme tell you a little story.

Oh, I love stories, Mr. Kotter.

You do?

Yeah, especially ones about relatives and aunts and uncles.

Angie, we're gonna get along really well.

As a matter of fact, that's all you're gonna hear.

He has more uncles than Alex Haley.

Well, I wanna hear it anyway.

Alright, but this one's not about my uncle.

It's about a guy I went to school with.

His name was Bullets Bernstein.

Now, bullets wanted to be a Sweathog

more than anything in the world, so what he did is

he tried to act tough.

Come to school every day with his hair slicked back

leather coat, try and pick fights with people.

[deep voice] Started to talk like this... "Hey, I wanna be a Sweathog.

I wanna be a Sweathog, yeah, I wanna be a Sweathog."

Well, did he get into the Sweathogs?

No... no one could understand what he was sayin'.

But, Angie, do you understand?

Mr. Kotter, if she says yes, will you stop?

Say yes, Angie.

- Yes. - Boy, she learns fast!

- Lemme tell you another story. - No, no, Mr. Kotter.

That was a terrific story, you helped her so much.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. Kotter.

There is it... oh no, that ain't it.

Try it again?

Boy, Mr. Kotter's really a funny guy.

Yeah, he sure is funny, ain't he?

If only his jokes were.

Oh, Horshack, I didn't know you were so smooth.

What?

I didn't know you was a traitor.

That's right, Arnold as in "Benedict."

Hey, listen, you guys, I was just trying

to help Angie out here.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'd like to know who let her in here.

Will you come on, little Juan?

I'm sure that Angie realizes that it is not as easy

to become as Sweathog as she thought, alright?

Yeah, I just want you guys to like me, that's all.

Listen, listen to me.

You have given us the greatest honor yet.

[in unison] Arnold, what are you talkin' about?

Well, she got us expelled, that's gotta be worth something.

Expelled?

Hey, well, I ain't never figured myself to be expelled.

I mean, drop out gracefully, or honorably demoted, maybe.

But completely expelled... I mean, that was

that was just a crazy dream.

Yeah, come on, come on, Angie.

To pull a stunt like that, I don't know...

...it's bizarre.

Yeah... you know what, Angie?

You see, our stunts always had two things.

That was, they were original, and two, they have no evidence.

We're so smart.

Like the time we put the kitty litter

in Mr. Woodman's hairspray?

For two weeks, he thought he had impacted dandruff.

See, Angie?

Your stunt was purely amateur night.

Well, yeah, I know.

I thought it would be a lot noisier than it was.

You mean, more than the screams of a man drowning

in his own suit?

I thought the fire alarms were supposed to go off too.

Hey, wait a minute.

The fire alarms were supposed to go off.

You know, you're right.

If there was a fire, man, we woulda all been fried.

Hm, well, who's responsible for that?

Three guesses, our little white-haired friend.

[in unison] Woodman.

[bullhorn sounding]

[Arnold] Make a way. Make a way.

Alright, alright.

You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Epstein, what's going on here?

Stand back, we may have to build a firewall here.

Alright, get on with it.

Alright.

What'd you do that for?

- Because! - Because why?

Because I didn't want you to see

Dolores Delvecchio's phone number, that's why.

Alright, alright.

What are you doing dressed up like a fireman?

What are you doing dressed up like a vice principal?

Wait a minute, I worked years for my credentials.

You probably stood in the wrong line.

Ready with the report from the men's room, sir.

Angie!

You went in a men's room?

Oh, it's alright, I kept my eyes closed.

Alright, any violations on the code there.

No, but I just sunk the tidy bowl man.

What is going on, there's no fire here.

Well, how would you know?

It's simple, we have a fire alarm.

Right.

Break it, Freddie.

Alright, alright.

I got this pitch here from Hank Aaron, personally.

Wait a minute, you can't do that.

Sure I can.

Pull it, Freddie.

No!

If he pulls that handle, the alarm will go off

all over the school.

Oh.

Pull it, Freddie.

Mr. Woodman, it doesn't work.

- Mr. Woodman... - I can't hear you.

The sound of that alarm is deafening!

- It doesn't work. - What?

Now, I just wonder whose responsibility it is

to make sure that that fire alarm system

is operational, Mr. Woodman.

It's not mine, I'm just a student

pretending to be a fire chief.

Yeah, and it's not mine, you know why?

'Cause I'm just a student pretendin' to be a student.

Yeah, and I don't know about me, I'm just a tin man.

How was I supposed to know it was defective?

Well, you'd better come up with an answer

before the next school board meeting, Mr. Woodman.

Well, now, come on, there's no reason

why they have to find out about it.

Oh, no reason at all, unless we get expelled.

This is blackmail.

Do you prefer the term "Extortion"?

Alright, alright, alright.

Go get out of those stupid outfits.

You, give me that.

- No. - Oh, oh!

Here, here you go, take it, it's yours.

Mr. Woodman, I've seen you mad before

but I've never seen you foaming at the suit.

I don't believe it... two suits in two days.

Well, Mr. Woodman, they came with two sets

of pants, didn't they?

Yeah.

So wear one of the sets of pants as a top tomorrow.

Don't be so stupid they don't match!

Alright, first of all

I do not want a ticket to the firemen's ball.

Second of all, what's going on here?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, everything's cool.

We saved... the school.

You did, huh?

How'd you get Woodman to resign?

No, Mr. Kotter, we just got Mr. Woodman to realize

that the fire alarm system don't work.

Look, I don't care, you... It really didn't work?

Take a look over there.

We pulled the lever down, nothing happened.

Well, look, I really don't approve of your methods

but if the system wasn't working, uh

you did a worthwhile thing.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, it was Angie that done it, though.

That's right man, she did nice!

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be a Sweathog.

Well, it was worth it!

Wait a second... who said that she was a Sweathog?

That's right, you gotta remember now

consider yourself with the lowest of the low.

[Vinnie] Yeah.

Well, what does that mean?

I think, Angie, that means they just made you a Sweathog, right?

Alright, baby!

Mr. Woodman, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Ebenezer Kotter?

Ebenezer Kotter.

He was the cheapest man in the world.

- Cheapest man in the world. - That's right.

One time, he was reading a newspaper

he sees an ad, color televisions, $40 each

for the first five people in line.

So you know what he does, he's so cheap?

He goes there the night before and he camps out

in front of the department store.

Waiting there all night.

He's third in line, there are two people

even cheaper than him.

Next morning, he stands up

little man tries to walk in front of him.

He says, "Hey, you, get to the back of the line."

two minutes later, the same little man

tries to get in front of him.

He said, "I thought I told you to get to the back of the line."

little guys says, "Okay, but who's gonna open the store?"

Who's gonna open the store...

...it was the owner, couldn't open the store.

Oh, he's the owner, ha-ha-ha, I get it!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪