Original subtitles

MyUncle Magnanovich Kotter?

- Magnanovich? - Yes, he was my uncle.

One time he reads this ad in the paper

"construction workers wanted 150 miles out of town."

He goes there, gets the job.

Week later, he wires back

"Sylvia," that's my aunt's name

"Sylvia, I've gotten job, and you know what

I've been promoted to foreman, a feather in my cap."

- Terrific, huh? - That's terrific.

- But that's not over yet. - Ah!

Two weeks later, he wires, "Sylvia

I've been promoted to manager, another feather in my cap."

Outstanding, right?

- Outstanding. - Outstanding, but not over yet.

Not over yet, no. Three weeks later, he wires back

"Sylvia, I've made vice president

another feather in my cap."

He was doing great.

- What a guy, wasn't he? - What a guy.

Except two weeks after that, he wires

"Sylvia, I've been fired.

Send money so I can take the train home."

Sylvia wires back, "use all your feathers and fly home."

[laughs]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Go on, Arnold, go on, man, you can handle it.

Deal, just deal with it. Mind over matter.

Go ahead, bend that spoon. Go ahead, bend that.

[grunting]

Oh, something's happening, something's happening!

Something is definitely happenin'!

What, what?

I-I think you just shrunk my shorts.

Get bent.

Get bent!

Mind over matter.

Get bent.

There you go, Arnold.

Hey, that's even better.

Epstein over matter.

[giggling]

Morning.

Arnold, have you had some of my mother's matzah ball soup?

Mr. Kotter.

Speaking about, uh, speaking about matzah balls

where's Barbarino?

Uh, his family took him to Jersey.

Why, was he being punished?

Nah, nah, his cousin had an accident.

Oh, wow, in a car?

Well, I don't know, but Vinnie's gonna be the best man.

Alright, enough about that.

Today I'd like to talk about pre-Columbian exploration.

Now open your books and no interruptions.

- I think we should... - Delighted to interrupt.

Kotter, I have great news for you.

What, your pet scorpion had a litter?

Very funny, Kotter.

Today is the day Buchanan enters the computer age.

Oh, that's right. Ladies and gentlemen

we have a big surprise for you today.

Okay, you can bring it in.

Thank you, Ms. Schwartz.

Careful.

♪ Da-da-da-dum ♪♪

Here it is, greatest educational advance

in 50 years.

Hey, um, does that thing get "Soul Train?"

Of course not.

It's a highly experimental computer terminal

loaned to us by the university.

You people should feel honored.

The university searched for three months to find exactly

the right class to try out this computer.

Yeah, and if it works here, we're gonna take it up a step

and try it on some chimps.

[mimicking apes]

Settle down, settle down, you get no bananas for lunch.

♪ Yes you get no bananas for lunch

♪ Or for dinner today ♪

♪ You get scallions and onions... ♪♪

And that's enough of that, okay.

Now, this is what you call a terminal.

Terminal. It is hooked up to a computer.

Now, in order to activate the computer

I have to give it a message in code.

Oh, code!

Like, "it's snowing in Berlin."

So move to Miami.

No, the password that this computer

is supposed to recognize is "Mr. Kotter."

Let's try it.

Turn it on.

"Mr... T-t-e-r."

[computer beeping]

[computer] Mr. Kotter, you have been recognized.

Oh, wow! Oh, that's pretty cool. Wow.

How'd you do that without movin' your lips?

It wasn't me, Epstein, that was the computer.

Well, drink a glass of water and see if it talks then.

Okay, now watch. I'm gonna program it for data information.

[computer beeping]

[computer] What information do you require?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

I got a question for the computer.

- What, Arnold? - Can I go to the bathroom?

Arnold, there are some questions the computer can't handle.

Now, do you really have to go to the bathroom?

Well, not that I know of, but you never know

when nature will ring its little bell.

Ding!

Alright, now today, we're supposed to learn

about pre-Columbian exploration.

Now, does anybody have a question on that?

Yeah, me.

Well, what is it?

That's my question, what is it?

Okay, let's find out.

American history, pre...

...Columbian exploration.

[computer beeping]

[computer] In 986, the first Norse colony was established

on the coast of Greenland by Erik the Red.

Erik the Red?

That's right, and that was 1200 years

before James the Brown, Slappy the White

and Shecky the Greene.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Eh, let's check it out.

Let's see what that machine thinks about that, Mr. Kotter.

Alright.

"James the... Brown."

[computer beeping]

[computer] Not funny.

Okay, Robin, plane taking off for Omaha

Kansas City, and Detroit.

Open the hangar, here it comes.

[mimicking plane]

Good girl, good girl.

- There you go. - Honey?

Rachel's asleep, how's Robin doin'?

She's gonna be fine just as soon as we land in Bombay.

We're goin' all the way to Bombay.

Bombay plane coming in, Bombay plane.

Come on, what's the matter, you don't like the movie?

Come on, open up, one more, one more, Robin, one more.

That's great, honey, she usually hates strained bananas.

That's how they got on the walls.

Well, they've done somethin' with this.

Says, "new and improved."

Yeah, the probably left out the bananas.

You know, it's great to see you

spending more time with the girls, honey.

Usually now you're preparing tomorrow's lesson.

Come on, baby, come on, baby.

I don't have to do that now, honey. The computer does that.

Oh? Well, what about grading papers?

The computer does that, too.

[clears throat] Marking tests?

Computer.

So who needs you?

I was hoping that you did.

- Oh, well, that depends. - On what?

Depends on how tall the computer is.

[laughs]

Isn't your mommy a funny lady, Robin?

Isn't she funny? Look, say "funny mommy."

Stick your tongue out at her, that's good.

Say goodnight to your daddy.

- Come on. - Goodnight, Robin.

- Go to mama. - Say goodnight to daddy. Aw.

- Say "goodnight, daddy." - Goodnight, baby!

- Buh-bye. Buh-bye - Goodnight, daddy!

You know, honey, that computer's really terrific.

The kids love it and it makes my job a lot easier.

But, uh, what do you do now?

- What do I do now? - Yeah.

I turn on the computer.

- That's it? - No.

At 12 o'clock I turn it off

and at one o'clock, I turn it back on again.

Oh, that-that's just great, honey.

It gives you all sorts of free time

to fix things around here.

Yeah, well, I'll be happy to fix anything.

You know, I can't remember the last time

I had so much free time.

I can.

Really? What happened?

We had twins.

[computer] Major generals Sir William Howe, Sir Henry Clinton

and John Burgoyne arrived May 25th to assist Gage.

Hey, that machine, it's really pretty smart.

Oh, yeah? Well, my uncle's got somethin'

even smarter than that.

Well, what's it called?

My aunt.

[computer continues indistinctly]

Did you guys know that Gage was the first general...

Shh! Come on, you're wreckin' the recording here.

[Freedie] Be cool, baby.

[computer continues indistinctly]

Oh, incredible strategy, oh!

"Incredible strategy!"

I mean, what's the big deal about all this stuff?

I taught this to you two months ago.

Mr. Kotter, this is a key.

Now don't you got nothin' to do?

Can't you see we're busy here learnin'?

- Yeah. - I got plenty to do.

There's over 300 ways to play solitaire.

[computer continues indistinctly]

Solitaire, Kotter?

You run out of Play-Doh?

[Arnold] Hey, come on!

[indistinct yelling]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Wait a minute!

I-I have exciting news.

Look at this.

Hey, look at that.

Mr. Woodman learned to color inside the lines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And tomorrow we gonna let you color a horsy.

I am trying to tell you nerds that the grades of everyone

in this room have gone up dramatically.

Do you know what it means?

Yeah, it means you're in the wrong room.

Now turn on the machine, turn on the machine!

It means, it means, it means I'm gonna look great.

It was all my idea. They'll definitely make me principal.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about Principal Lazarus.

He's an old guy.

Can I see that, Mr. Woodman? You're right.

By bringing this computer in here, you did a great thing.

Your averages are over 75.

Congratulations.

- You're a genius. - You're a genius.

- You're a genius. - Yes.

Face it, Kotter.

You're out of date.

You're a DeSoto in a world of Datsuns.

[laughs]

[Freedie] Come on, turn the machine back on.

- Come on! - Turn on the machine.

- I wanna hear the machine.' - Turn on the machine.

- Come on. - Turn on the machine.

[Juan] I wanna hear the machine.

[computer] The Redoubt was garrisoned by 1,600 men

with six can...

Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally...

Just a second, Oliver.

You know, honey, you should not be so upset

about that computer, it's only temporary.

Yeah, that's what Woodrow Wilson said about income tax.

You know what bothers me the most, honey?

Teaching just isn't fun anymore.

Well, that's because you are

letting the computer program you.

You are the one who's supposed to push the buttons.

I can't help it, J... Where's the salad dressing?

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot it, honey.

- What kind do you want? Okay. - Any kind, doesn't matter.

I can't help it, I feel like the computer's the meat

and I'm the hamburger helper.

Oh, Gabe.

I'm sorry, honey, I don't like this kind.

Well, what kind do you want, honey?

Any kind beside this.

- I'm sorry, you know... - I know, honey, it's okay.

Don't worry about it.

There you go, sweetie.

- Not on your life. - It'll be fine, it'll be fine.

I always like dressing that's four months old.

Two. Look, honey, it's only a toy.

The kids will get bored with it.

I think they are getting tired of it.

This afternoon I caught Washington

trying to make it play Pong.

You're kidding?

Kidding? I am not programmed for kidding.

I am only programmed for joshing.

Joshing?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Josh?

He was a model 324x0.

One time this pretty computer program trainee came in

and started to punch his buttons.

He said, "hey, wait a second.

Take me out a few times first."

- On February 26th... - Hey, baby, deal.

[computer] ...military supplies but were turned back without violence

on March 23rd...

Alright, Freddie, the truth.

- I think you're bluffing. - Oh, yeah? Go fish.

Good morning.

[computer continues indistinctly]

Excuse me, uh, for interrupting

but isn't anybody listening to the computer?

No.

Sit down.

[computer continues indistinctly]

[beep]

Epstein, what's the computer been talking about?

Paul Revere's Ride.

That's amazing, you can hear things when you're sleeping.

What do you think put me to sleep?

[all laugh]

Mr. Kotter, for an hour that thing's been doin' nothin'

but talkin' about Paul Revere's Ride.

I mean, what's the big deal?

It's just a story about a man and his horse.

Actually, do you know that there were two men?

William Dawes rode along with Paul Revere?

Gee, that's really cheap.

Two men on a horse.

Hey, um, Mr. Kotter, I... I didn't know

that Paul Revere had a partner.

Well, not too many people do, Freddie.

You see, William Dawes was like a regular guy

he wasn't a show-off.

So when they rode into town, he said

"Go ahead, Paul, you tell 'em."

[all laugh]

Anyway, I think it's important that you learn

about William Dawes because there's a lot of people

in history that don't...

I thought so, Kotter.

Back to your old tricks...

...teaching.

Mr. Woodman, I think the guys are getting a little

tired of this computer.

Nonsense.

They love it.

Machines aren't boring, people are boring.

Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to our new show

"People are boring!"

And here's our new host, Al Doe.

America's favorite bore.

Not gonna spoil my day, 'cause I have great news.

Oh?

You ran over Benji?

Better!

The university has offered us the computer

for the rest of the semester.

- Oh, man! What? - Oh!

Alright, alright, alright, cork it, clowns.

Mr. Jan of the school board is coming by tomorrow to decide.

Kotter, this machine is my ticket to the top

and nothing better go wrong.

What could go wrong?

That's the same thing General Custer said

the night before Little Bighorn.

- Think that'll do it, Freddie? - Are you kiddin'?

It worked on mission impossible.

- Got it covered. - Hey, they're coming.

They're coming. Shh, shh, you all know what to do.

Okay.

Good morning, good morning, everybody.

You all remember Mr. Jan from the school board.

[all] Hello, Mr. Jan, from the school board.

I, uh, I was just telling Mr. Jan that only last week

this class was stupid.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Kotter, as you know, we have the opportunity

to use this machine for another semester.

Well, Mr. Kotter, I'd like to see a demonstration.

Before I do that, I would like to say

I think this machine can help as an aid

but what's happening here is the machine...

Cork it, Kotter, turn it on.

Chop, chop, no offense, Mr. Jan.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, maybe you ought not turn that...

Ah, nah, it's okay. Go ahead, turn it on, Kotter.

[Freedie] It's okay, go ahead, turn it on, go ahead.

[beep]

Alright, any particular subject?

Mm, how about the Battle of Waterloo?

Okay.

European history, Battle of...

...Waterloo.

[beeping]

Now wait till you hear this.

[computer] The Battle of Waterloo was fought in 1815.

The Duke of Wellington commanded the allied forces

which included England, Austria, Prussia

and the Harlem Globetrotters.

What?

They all banded forces to fight the armies of Napoleon

Julie Andrews, and the Muppets.

[clears throat]

Mr. Woodman, you better have an explanation for this.

I do! He did it!

Him and his punks, they ruined my machine!

You can't prove nothin'.

Alright, cork it, Epstein.

Mr. Jan, I'm afraid Mr. Woodman is probably right.

But you have to understand why they did it.

He made them think that their teacher was being

replaced by a machine.

I had a dream.

Look, like I was trying to say before

this machine is valuable.

It should be used by a teacher, not instead of a teacher.

I agree, Mr. Kotter.

However, we may find a better place for this computer...

Say, in administration.

Mr. Jan! Mr. Jan, wait!

I'll be back, Kotter, as soon as I have my spasm.

My Jan!

[all laughing]

Why did you do it?

Hey look, Mr. Kotter, we had to do somethin'.

I mean, one more week with that computer machine

...man, we would have got a diploma in sleepin'.

Washington, that machine belongs to the university.

Now you guys had no right to tamper with it.

Come on, come on, Mr. Kotter, it was a crisis.

We was desperate people in a desperate hour.

I mean, just like Paul Revere and Mr. Dawes.

Don't make any analogies here, Epstein.

You were wrong and that's that.

Okay, okay, Mr. Kotter, we was wrong.

Go ahead, sit down.

Now, we'll get back to teaching the way it's supposed to be.

One human to another human.

[mimicking computer] On June 26th,1783, William Gage was the first general...

[indistinct]

[theme music]

One... night

my aunt... Marian

sent my uncle Bill out at 3 o'clock in the morning

for a... pizza.

[computer] To get a pizza.

It with... anchovies.

[computer] With anchovies.

The pizza man said, "hey, Bill...

...it's snowing and raining outside.

Why did you come to get a pizza?"

[computer] Why did you come to get a pizza?

My uncle Bill said, "it wasn't me, my wife sent me out."

[computer] My wife sent me out.

The pizza man said

"your wife sent you out 3 o'clock in the morning

to get a pizza?"

[computer] To get a pizza?

My Uncle Bill said

"do you think my mother would send me out

on a night like this?"

[computer] On a night like this?

Don't you... get it?

[computer] No.

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And a smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there somethin' that made you come back again... ♪♪