Original subtitles

Julie, you know, I have an amazing family.

Yeah, I know.

My family reaches into every field, every endeavor.

Sports, education, show business

science, everything.

In fact, do you know, Julie

my wife, my lover

do you know that I have an uncle, his name is Herman

and my Uncle Herman is a sports mechanic?

A sports mechanic?

A sports mechanic. He fixes basketball games.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya. ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya. ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Hey, uh, Mr. Kotter, you wanted to see me about somethin'?

- What's up? - Not me, Freddie.

Woodman wants to see you.

Well, why here in the classroom?

I don't know, he's been acting very strange today.

Real ethnic.

He asked me where he could buy some Afro-Sheen.

Yeah. You know, Mr. Woodman, man, he's really out of it.

You know, he thinks

that Hank Aaron is a country singer.

Well, you're gonna have to face him alone, Freddie.

I got to take the twins to the doctor.

They're six months old.

You know, the warranty is gonna run out pretty soon.

Good luck. See you tomorrow.

Okay, I'll check it out, man. You be cool.

Hey, blood!

You, you're talkin' to me?

Right on, bro.

Bro?

Skin, man.

- Skin. - You got it, baby.

Now that that square's out of room

maybe we can get down to it.

Do you know where I'm comin' from?

Yeah, but I don't know where you're goin'.

Have a squat, baby.

"Have a squat, baby."

Uh, you've had some experience

uh, working the radio station, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh...

I worked part-time for Willy DeVille.

You still got your chops?

- Yeah. - That's groovy.

'Cause I want you to start a radio station

here at Buchanan.

Me? Seriously? Oh, why, hey-hey, that's cool.

It is for us.

You see, the board of education

they want young people to get into broadcasting

so they're willing to put up the money to any school

to start a station.

Hey! What do you say?

You could be boss, jockin' your own radio station.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it, I like it, but, uh, wait.

Wait a minute. Well, uh...

Why is this radio station

so important to you, Mr. Woodman?

Why?

Because, uh, they're offering a trophy

for the station with the highest ratings.

You know something, Freddie?

We've never had a trophy.

You mean, we ain't never won anything?

All I've got is a picture from Clean Skin Week...

...of me shaking hands with Peter the pimple.

I want that trophy, Freddie.

And you're gonna win it for me.

Take off your shoes, expose your feet

and get on down to the funky beat.

[chuckles]

This is WGIM. That was a new group.

Alanso Messam and the Luderers with their latest single

"You're So Vain You Probably Think

This Riot's About You."

[chuckles] That's right, you're listening to WGIM

comin' to you from our brand-new studio

at James Buchanan High School.

And now, it's time for our special feature

Juan Epstein, our consumer reporter.

Ah, Juan Epstein here

your consumer reporter and comparative shopper.

It's my job to make sure

your shopping dollar goes farthest.

So you just send 'em in to me

and I'll take care of it for you.

[laughs]

Now, uh, today's report is on erasers.

Uh, we all make mistakes, don't we?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So what do you look for in a good eraser?

Well, first of all

you want one that's gonna last a long time

and erases real, real good, you know

without, wit-without, uh

wit-without putting any holes in the paper.

Uh, or else you're gonna have a bigger mistake

than the one you started with, right?

And you want an eraser that when you're erasing

there's not little, tiny, little pieces of itself

you know, all over the paper.

And then what happens is

you gotta take all your time of blowin' 'em off the paper.

And like this. Watch.

[blowing]

Hey, who knows

you might accidentally breathe some of this stuff in.

You're gonna wind up erasing a lung or somethin', huh?

- That's right. - Now, you think about that.

Washington, I wanna talk to you.

Shh! We're on the air, Mr. Woodman.

- Get him out of here. - Go ahead.

Come on. What's the, what's the problem?

- Washington. - What?

No one's listening to WGIM.

Look at these ratings. Numbers never lie.

Oh, look, I-I'm still holding my time slot.

- Keep reading. - Okay, look.

So we got Juan Epstein, our consumer reporter.

He's doing very well, it's a very informative show.

And we got Arnold Horshack in the 4 o'clock news

which takes us right down the drain.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, I'm real sorry I'm late.

- Hi, Freddie. Um, excuse me. - Hey, Arnold.

Well, that's about it for erasers.

Uh, tomorrow's consumer report

is on where to buy gym socks, new and used.

So until then, this is Juan Epstein sayin'

don't touch that dial.

I know where most of you live.

Take me away, Arnold.

Why, thank you, little Juan.

You sure look groovy today.

[chuckles]

You little scamp. Hm.

Hello, everybody. This is Arnold Horshack.

It's, uh, uh, 4:14

and it's time for the 4 o'clock news.

Well, uh, uh, speaking of news

I got some good news and I got some bad news.

The good news is I have no bad news.

[chuckles]

The bad news is I have no news at all.

He's costing us the whole night.

Well, cou-couldn't we move him to another time?

Good. Let's try the ice age.

"Dateline. Beep, beep, beep. Times Square.

"We were expecting a very special human-interest report

"from our roving reporter

"Vincent 'Scoop' Barbarino

"who has been conducting women-industry interviews

"since last Tuesday.

"Unfortunately, we haven't heard from him since last Tuesday.

"Vinnie, if you can hear my voice

call when you catch your breath."

He's the worst.

Yeah, but you know, you gotta listen to that voice.

I mean, he could be like a-a-another Conrad

or another Harry Reasoner.

Uh. Well, he does remind me of a famous radio star.

Tokyo Rose.

Bye-bye, younger J.I.

So for those of you tryin' to make your sock budget stretch

here's a helpful handy hint.

Used socks.

Yeah. Listen to that again. Used socks.

They're real easy to come by.

All you gotta do is check out

those supposably empty dryers at the laundromat.

Remember, what you put on your feet is your business.

Did you dump Horshack yet?

Oh, why I gots to be the one to do it, Mr. Woodman?

Well, I would do it, Washington

but I don't want to deprive you of a chance of learning

one of life's greatest lessons.

How to step on a friend.

Alright, alright. I'll do it, alright? I'll do it.

But only because I'll let Arnold down a lot easier

than you would.

Hi, everybody. Look, I'm real sorry I'm late.

Arnold, I-I gotta talk to you, my man.

Hey, Freddie, co-co-could it wait for, wait for later?

I gotta get my notes organized and I'm almost--

Relax, Horshack. You've got more time than you think.

[laughing]

Come on, Arnold, I-I...

Sit down. Well, I got to talk to you. Come on.

- You okay? - Yeah, sure.

- How's your day been-- - What's up, Freddie?

- Uh, well, how do you feel? - I feel fine.

Good. Yeah, Arnold, how-how, how long we've been friends?

Oh, come on, Freddie, you know that.

We've know each other since the, since the fifth grade.

We got to know each other real good

'cause we was both in there for two-and-a-half years.

[laughing] We've been through a lot together, right?

- We sure have. - We're good friends, right?

- We're the best friends. - Yeah.

I got some heavy stuff to tell you right now

so I hope you can deal with it.

You can tell me anything, Freddie.

Oh, wait, you see, like, um, you know

I-I got to take you off the radio show

because your ratings, they're lousy.

Yeah, I tried, I tried talkin' Mr. Woodman out of it

but he wouldn't listen to me.

I mean, he says you're bringin' the whole show down.

Cancelled?

Because of lousy ratings.

[sobs]

I feel like Betty White.

[chuckles]

Hey, listen, Arnold, I'm...

Hey, man, there's nothin' I can do about it.

I-I really tried talkin' to him. I really did, man.

Hey, listen, Freddie, it's not your fault.

Don't feel bad, really.

You're the one who, who gave me my start. Huh.

It was great while it lasted.

Yeah.

Hey, Freddie?

Could I ask you one last favor?

Well, sure, Arnold, anything you want. Go ahead, shoot, go ahead.

Could I go on one last time, just to say goodbye?

Sure, my man, y-y-you got it.

- Thank you, Freddie. - You go on after Epstein.

- Come on. You're alright. - Yeah.

And that's the way they work.

So stay tuned for tomorrow 'cause my special report

is hair in the cafeteria.

Alright, it's 4:25

and here's Arnold Horshack with the 4 o'clock news.

Thank you, little Juan.

[chuckles]

Hello, everybody.

This is Arnold Horshack.

Today... I have

a very important announcement.

This is my last broadcast.

I am being cancelled because of bad ratings.

What is he talking about?

Of course, I, I'm not really surprised.

This is just another example

of the win-at-any-cost attitude of our school system.

Win at basketball, win at baseball

win the ratings.

We're so busy winning

we're forgetting what we're losing.

Our integrity, that's what!

Somebody must've spiked Arnold's Twinkies.

Come on, come on, let's just pull the plug on him.

No, no, if this is the way Arnold wants to go off, let him.

Look, I'm just a little guy.

And I'm not sayin' I got all the answers

but we gotta start somewhere.

So I want everybody who can hear my voice right now

to get up...

...go over to their windows...

...and I want you to yell

"I'm fed up, Arnold

and I don't care who knows it!"

That's right, that's right. Come on.

Get up, out of your chairs, open the window.

Open it up. Go ahead, go ahead.

And I want you to yell.

"I'm fed up, Arnold

and I don't care who knows it!"

[listeners] "I am fed, Arnold

and I don't care who knows it!"

Alright!

Big exposetomorrow.

Beep, beep, beep!

The school dietician.

She calls it chicken, I call it seagull.

[chuckles]

Look at these ratings.

Horshack's a liar, scandalmonger, a mad man.

Sir, are you goin' to take the mad man off the air?

Are you kidding? He's a hit.

I'm expanding his show and cutting yours down.

Hey, wait. Hey, my listeners, man, they're gonna be upset.

They'll get over it.

Shh, quiet, it's time.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Here he is

that mad broadcaster Buchanan himself

Arnold Horshack.

- Alright! - Alright!

[cheering]

[whistling]

[indistinct chatter]

[applauding]

How do you feel?

[in unison] We're fed up, Arnold

and we don't care who knows it!

Why can't Johnny read?

We have schools like this one

filled with books and teachers.

And still, Johnny cannot read.

Why?

Maybe Johnny's dumb.

Johnny cannot read

because there are not enough books.

There are not enough good teachers

because there is not enough money.

- Oh, yeah. - Right.

The kid's gold! I love him, I love him.

And why isn't there enough money?

Because the school board

has voted on a pay raise

for vice principals.

[indistinct chatter]

It's a long-overdue pay raise. Yeah.

But who are these

so-called vice principals?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Where do they live?

How do they live?

With whom and with what do they live?

[indistinct chatter]

Shocking?

Well, I should say.

If a vice principal were a nice principal

he would not be called a vice principal.

I want you to send telegrams

and let your voice be heard!

All you people, get on your feet. Let's hear it.

[in unison] We're fed up, Arnold

and we don't care who knows it!

We're fed up, Arnold

and we don't care who knows it!

Hallelujah!

...Arnold, and we don't care who knows it!

Well, I'm telling you, Mr. Kotter

I'm fed up and I don't care who knows it.

Freddie, I am surprised at you.

I should think you'd be happy about Arnold's success.

Julie, I don't think it's jealousy.

I think we're all a little ticked off

at how Arnold's handling this.

Well, speaking as a consumer-affairs person

I think you're using the wrong kind of peanut butter.

Juan, we are talking about Arnold's problem.

And, Mr. Consumer Reporter

I don't see that 69 cents is throwing our money away.

It is when you can buy Mr. Cheaps for 27 cents a jar.

Twenty seven cents a jar? How do they do that?

He leaves the peanuts in the shells.

Look, Freddie, there's nothin' I can do.

Woodman is not gonna take Arnold off the air.

He's got the biggest rating for a high-school radio show

since, uh, "Name That Street Gang."

I remember that show.

I can name that gang in two victims.

Yeah. Well, it ain't fair, right?

You know what I think, Mr. Kotter?

I don't think Arnold knows what he's talking about.

Now, in class that's okay.

I mean, in your class, nobody knows what he's talkin' about.

Thanks a lot, Freddie.

[Arnold] They call them schools, but no one learns.

- Oh, that must be Arnold. - Now, what's he doin' here?

I asked him to come here.

Listen, guys, give me a few minutes alone with him.

- I got an idea, okay? - Yeah, okay.

But believe me, one of your stories

ain't gonna help him this time.

Why can't Johnny read?

Why can't Arnold shut up?

Hey, Arnold, I got a consumer tip for you.

Call a plumber. Your mouth is backin' up.

They look familiar.

But maybe not. I know so many people.

[chuckles]

Uh, honey, why don't you see how the girls are doing?

I'd like to, uh, talk to the mad broadcaster here.

That's a good idea, honey.

When the girls are ready for kindergarten

will kindergarten be ready for them?

He's all yours.

Arnold, how you doing?

- Fine. - Good. Everything all together?

Your mind, your body, all functioning as one unit?

Yeah. I guess so.

Oh, I'm happy to hear that.

You know, Arnold, I've been a teacher now

for about three years. Let's sit down.

- Go ahead, have a seat. - Oh, thank you very much.

Some folks say I can teach anybody almost anything.

Well, this afternoon I'm gonna try and teach you somethin'.

- You ready? - Go ahead, go ahead.

[chuckles]

Last week you came out against pay raises for vice principals

and you got big ratings, right?

Right, right.

So this week you came out against pay raises for teachers.

- Yes? - Yes.

Arnold, you think it's easy for teachers?

I'm a teacher.

I have a wife and two children to support.

I gotta buy two sets of clothes.

What am I gonna tell the girls if I can't do that?

That they're one person with a lot of arms and legs?

Well, uh, maybe you could tell--

Quiet!

Arnold, you know who makes more than a teacher?

Everybody.

The girls that work at the Fotomat

they make more than a teacher.

Gee, I... I-I didn't realize that.

Well, you know it now.

And you, Arnold

are not just a Sweathog

and I am not just a teacher.

We... are the classrooms of the world.

And you

are tampin' with the primal force

of education!

And you

will atone!

Am I gettin' through to you, Arnold?

Arnold, let me make it simple.

You can have as much flare

and as much pizzazz as you want to

but you got to be honest.

You can't build a career based on half-truths

because if you do, your fame and your popularity

are just a facade...

...based on a lie.

I guess you're right, Mr. Kotter.

Of course, I'm right.

And you're lucky. At least, I didn't tell you any stories.

[chuckling]

[Gabe narrating] In the days that followed, Arnold Horshack reported

the complete story.

But with the end of his bombastic tirades

also came the end of his high ratings.

This has been Arnold Horshack with the 4 o'clock news.

[knock on window]

We're fed up with you, Arnold

and we're not gonna listen anymore.

And she's the president of my fan club.

Hey, I'm sorry it's goin' this way for you, my man.

Yeah, you know

before I was unfair, but flashy.

Now I'm fair and a flop. Hm.

Well, at least you don't resent me anymore, Freddie.

Oh, Arnold, I-I never resented you.

I just wanted to stuff you in your lunch box.

[laughs] I guess I'm just a flash in the pan.

You are the one who really belongs behind this mic.

- Hey, thanks, Arnold. - It's okay.

- High five. - More lousy ratings.

You know, you got beat by Jefferson High Special.

The armadillo, nature's little tank.

It's exciting, huh?

Pull your doors off, Horshack. We'll never win that trophy.

- Look, Mr. Woodman, I think-- - It won't do you any good.

Horshack, 'cause I've got you now.

Ms. Fishbeck tells me that you have not been doing

your English homework since you started this radio stuff.

And now you're staying after school with me

till you catch up in English.

[Gabe narrating] This has been the story of Arnold Horshack

the first person in history to be kept after school

for bad ratings.

Uh, Mr. Woodman, did I tell you my Uncle Simon died?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Kotter.

Why, that's alright. It happened twelve years ago.

Twelve years ago?

Yeah, well, anyway, it's an interesting story.

You see, my Aunt Rose, she didn't have much money

so she asked my father if he could pay for the funeral.

And he was happy to.

Only, he kept getting these bills for $15 a month.

He called her up, he said, "Look, I was happy

"to pay for the funeral, but what's all these bills

for $15 a month?"

My Aunt Rose said, "Well, I had to burry him

in a rented tuxedo."

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again? ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya? ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪