Original subtitles

- Hey, Julie! - What, Gabe?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Arnold?

Wasn't he the one who needed a hearing aid?

No, no, no. He was the one who needed a hearing aid.

Like one of his relatives I know.

Yeah, well, anyway, my Uncle Arnold

buys this expensive hearing aid.

And he's showing it to his friend Saul.

He says, "Saul, this is

"the greatest hearing aid on the market.

"Boy, can you hear things with this hearing aid.

"It's terrific. A wonderful invention, this hearing aid."

His friend Saul says, "What kind is it?"

My uncle says, "It's a quarter to 3:00."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

[Gabe] Julie!

I found the rest of the decorations.

Got some more tinsels...

- Uh-oh. - What?

I think I put 'em a little too close to the heater.

Oh, honey. The three wise men all melted together.

Yeah, well, just think of 'em now as, uh, one wise blob.

On Hanukkah I didn't melt your menorah, Gabe.

Oh, come on, honey.

This is the first Christmas Eve when we've all been together.

Just you... me... the babies...

[knock on door]

...and the door.

It's supposed to be Christmas Eve.

Not even a creature's supposed to be stirring.

You're not gonna believe what's coming in the door.

Whoo-ho-ho-ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Merry Christmas and a bad New Year.

I'm Arnold, the littlest reindeer.

And I am here to spread some seasonal cheer.

Boy, pullin' that sled up them stairs.

That's-that's murder.

I-I don't know how Santa Claus does it.

Well, that's why Hanukkah's a better holiday, you know.

At least you get eight days for delivery.

Yeah. Well, I'm tired of being Bambi.

I'm gonna be Santa Claus now.

Alright, Vinnie, you can be Santa

right after we stop off at my house.

And remember, ain't everybody dreaming of a white Christmas.

You know, guys, it's times like this Christmas.

We're all together and... just thinking about it I realize

how close we've all gotten

and how much we all mean to each other.

Hey, Horshack! Big news flash.

You're short!

You too, munchkin.

The whole room is short!

Hi, there.

When I'm in that classroom, I think of myself

as a missionary among savages in New Guinea.

Come on, guess who's coming to dinner.

Okay, what're you cooking?

My world famous tuna casserole.

It's nobody that we ever want to see again.

Vinnie, this report card's soggy.

My mother cried on it.

- Hi, there. - Hi, there, buddy.

- Hey, buddy. - Where's your report card?

Oh, my report card, well, you see I don't happen to

have it right here handy.

You know, Horshack's a very old and respected name.

It means, "The cattle are dying."

Have you bitten anybody lately?

Oh, you know how it is in China, boss.

You bite somebody, two hours later

you wanna bite him again, huh!

Hey, that's pretty good.

They do a lot of pretending in that class.

They pretend to be students, he pretends to be a teacher.

You lovemy tuna casserole.

No! Youlove your tuna casserole.

Nobody puts prunes in a tuna casserole.

- You makin' fun of me? - What?

Well, listen, I got something to tell you.

Your sister, Juan, your sister.

Oh, yeah?

Forget my sister. Your mother.

Not my mother. That woman's a saint.

Oh, yeah?

The light around the head don't fool me.

Hey, Vinnie!

They tell me your mother--

Alright, alright, alright!

Hi, there.

Yeah, hi-hi there. Whe-where's you notebook?

My notebook? Well, I just don't happen to have it here handy.

I am ready, Kotter, to see you

make a complete and utter fool of yourself.

[mumbling]

I tried something new with the tuna casserole.

The hard things are coffee beans.

Hey, Kotter, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Why don't you take one end of a rubber hose

and put it in your mouth.

And then, you take the other, and you put it up your nose.

And then you blow till your brains fall out!

They can't be allowed to mingle with people.

Take them to the zoo, so they can see family.

What do you guys got to eat?

Here, Vinnie, why don't you have some of this nice fruit cake

that my mother sent us.

Oh. Oh, no. I couldn't eat that.

No, they get stuck in my teeth.

Yeah, that last time I ate it, I couldn't get it out for weeks.

You got, you got those-those cookies?

The kind that's shaped in little Santa Clauses and little bells

with little candies on 'em. Little candy buttons.

Oh, they're delicious!

Vinnie, by now I would think you'd learn

to settle for what we have.

Remember what happened the last time

you tried to ask for something else?

Strawberry tarts. You like strawberry tarts, Vinnie?

They're alright.

Look, Julie, you know when the Sweathogs

have a problem. you know how that makes me--

You got chocolate pudding?

We don't have any chocolate pudding, do we, Julie?

No. We don't have any.

We don't have any chocolate pudding.

They've a problem and they won't talk to each other

If they won't talk to each other I can't teach 'em anything.

And if I can't teach 'em anything I just get cranky.

- I know, honey-- - How 'bout spumoni?

You got spumoni?

Do we have any ice cream?

No. We have tarts, Vinnie.

Tarts. That's it!

Look, I know that, honey

but when you keep making jokes about my tuna--

How 'bout Danish? You got, like, cherry Danish?

Nice cherry Danish.

Vinnie, look, you wanna have dessert, have a tart.

If you don't wanna have a tart, don't have anything.

That's all we have, okay?

- It's tarts. - Okay.

Julie, when you say things about my jokes

you know how that makes me feel.

It wouldn't have to be cherry

it could be like, you know

prune or cheese.

We could send out.

Wanna know what the biggest joke in this house is?

- What? - Your tuna casserole.

If you just wouldn't make tuna casserole anymore--

Gabe, you wanna know what I think about your Uncle Abdul?

I can't believe you did that, Julie.

[Julie] Believe it.

Wanna know what I think about your family, Julie?

I have something I'd like you to send back to Nebraska.

Special delivery.

How about espresso? You got some nice espresso?

My mother, my mother, she always gives espresso.

Only the finest.

Oh, very funny. Big joke, right?

That almost got me killed.

- Hell, it was only a tart. - Only a tart?

Do you know, do you have any idea what it's like

to walk through Brooklyn in the middle of the night

with whipped cream on your eyebrows?

Hey, man. But, Mrs. Kotter, Vinnie's right, man.

A person gotta be careful where they walk in Brooklyn.

I ain't lyin'. You ain't...

You never know what could happen to you.

It's just like that time...

Remember that time when I went to the other side of town

and that rival gang came up on top of me?

Where've you been, Freddie?

Oh, man, I had some trouble.

- Hey, you okay? - What happened?

Hey, man, those guys over at Nyutrix

said that I invaded their turf.

- Well, did you? - No, not exactly.

Actually, I invaded Pearl Jackson.

Oh.

Unfortunately, she happens to live

right in the middle of their turf.

But y'all don't worry.

Ol' boomer knows how to take care of himself.

See, man, I got surrounded by these seven big, bad--

Wait, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.

There were seven of 'em?

There were seven or two. I don't know.

Anyway, I look 'em right in the eye

and then I say, "Hi, there."

They don't say nothin'.

They just look at me mean.

So I holds my ground, and I look them straight back in the eye

one more time and then I say to them

"Bye, there."

Hey, well, you guys

you probably didn't know it at the time

but... I-I was scared.

Oh, come on. You're kidding?

Yeah, you know, when those guys from Nyutrix

really put the scare into Freddie?

- Yeah. He ran home. - Nah.

We almost got into fisticuffs with Carvelli and his gang.

Looks like we don't have to go to the dance.

Here's the entertainment committee.

I didn't think they was gonna show up.

Alright. Who's the leader here?

Ah, we heard you Sweathogs...

...was lookin' for us.

So, uh, we thought we'd make ourselves easy to find.

You got a disease?

Was you lookin' for us?

What?

Was you... lookin...

...for us?

Where?

I thought we was remedial.

Hey, enough of this lip service here.

I came here for some action.

Who's the first guy who wants to lose control of his face?

- Will you cool it? - Who is this guy?

Him? He's our teacher.

Your teacher?

It's a tough school.

- Alright. Let's go. - No, wait!

Alright, now you can start.

I don't like to watch him dismember people.

That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

You a senior?

I'm the vice principal.

Vice principal!

This isa tough school.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, is it true that you was one of the tough guys

when you was in school?

- Well... I could hold my own. - Yeah?

Well, Frankie Brown's brother told me that you was in a fight

with one of the toughest guys in school. What happened?

Hey, you know, this is a good time to open the presents.

[indistinct chatter]

This one's for Epstein. There you go.

Washington. There you are.

- Horshack. - Oh, another one for Arnold.

Aw, thanks, fellas. A planter in the shape of a cow.

Yeah, when you water it, you're not gonna believe how it drains.

[knock on door]

Well, thanks a lot, Juan.

That's the kind of presents I like.

Things I would never buy for myself.

Oh, look who it is. It's Santa Fraud.

I mean, uh, Santa Claus.

Ho ho ho! And a Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman, but, um, you're a little late

because Santa Claus, he's already here.

Check him out. Alright!

Hey, that's right, Mr. Woodman.

Anyway, you look more like an elf.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Barbarino.

Up your nose with some mistletoe.

Alright, come on. Cut it out.

Remember what happened last time you guys had a fight?

Ooh, yeah.

This your locker, Barbarino?

What?

This locker. Is this your locker?

Where?

What! Where!

Barbarino, the only reason you've got a head

is to separate your ears.

[both] Ooh! Oh!

Separate...

I think Mr. Woodman just ranked you.

Well, can I rank him back without getting in trouble?

Can I do that?

I don't know. Can he do that?

Sure. I used to be pretty good at this.

Go ahead. Give me your best shot, clam breath.

[laughing]

And I won't get in no trouble.

- No. - You mean it?

Sure, I mean it, pepperoni puss!

Well, listen, you snow-cap leprechaun.

You look like somebody played Danny Boy in your face

with an ugly stick.

[all] Ooh!

That's very funny, Barbarino.

That's so funny you can stay after school for two weeks.

[indistinct chatter]

Just wait a second.

Mr. Woodman, you told him that it was alright.

Just cool it, brillo head.

Boy, you know, it's really dumb to fight.

Who you callin' dumb?

Hey, Vinnie, come on, I didn't mean nothin' by it.

It's just very good advice.

And after what I went through, I'm lucky I got a mouth

to be able to say it.

You don't scare us, Carvelli.

Any one of my boys here can make you feel

like you've just been through a blender.

Yeah. How would you like it if we frappe'd your face?

Hey, I didn't hear that, Horshack.

He asked you if you liked your face frappe'd, Carvelli.

- I heard him! - Hey, Carvelli.

I sure hope you ain't allergic to canvas.

Because that's where you're gonna be spending Friday.

Face down!

Are you threatening me, Horshack?

- This is getting out of line. - He didn't mean it.

Out of line, huh?

The only thing that's gonna be out of line

is your spine. Ha ha.

You're face is gonna be so ugly...

...we're gonna have to close it down on weekends.

Alright. Alright.

That's it, Horshack. I want you.

[indistinct chatter]

You heard what he said.

- Me? - Yeah, you! Mouth!

Me?

What did I say?

Hey, Arnold, you've gotta be some kinda jerk

to get into a fight with that guy Carvelli.

I mean, he could've rearranged your face.

Might've helped.

Well, is that so, little Juan?

Well, let's not forget the time

that you got beat up by Todd Ludlow

and was afraid to face us.

Well, I didn't get beat up, I just slipped.

Oh, sure.

Your head slipped into his fist

about ten or twenty times.

Juan? This is Julie.

I've got your flat soda for you.

Pour it under the door.

Juan, the only way you're gonna get this soda

is to get your tail out.

Look, Mrs. Kotter's out there

and I don't feel like facing a woman.

Don't worry, Juan, I'll lock myself in the bathroom.

Okay, look, you gotta promise me one thing, Mr. Kotter.

I promise!

What did I promise?

- That you don't look at me. - Okay.

I look at a lamp.

Well, Epstein, nice to see you again.

You lost a little weight, haven't you?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, the second rule after don't look at me

is don't make fun of me.

Epstein, if you didn't want me to look at you

then why did you come here?

To say goodbye.

I'm running away to join the circus.

- Don't you know-- - Don't look at me!

Look at the lamp!

Don't you know?

That the one thing that you can't run away from is yourself?

Because no matter where you go, lamp, you go with you.

So, why don't you go back to school?

I can't.

Epstein, can I please look at you?

I can't get through to this lamp.

Okay, but, like, kinda like have no expression on your face.

Epstein.

Now, tell me why you can't go back.

'Cause I'm a punk.

My friends were right when they said it.

I'm a punk.

Ah, a child on the streets.

A flyspeck on the highway of life.

Ain't nobody cares about me, man.

Okay, then you tell me why those kids been combing the city

lookin' for you.

They have not.

They have.

In their own way, of course.

Hey, they care about you, Juan.

We all care about you.

Then, how come you didn't write?

Well, Juan, you learned something important from that.

I did?

You learned that violence can't solve your problems.

Yeah, remember the all night sit-in at school?

We got them to improve the food in the cafeteria

through a peaceful demonstration.

- Hey, Horshack. - Huh?

Tell me something.

You ever think about what God is like?

Oh, yeah.

I think he's short.

And he has a marvelous sense of humor.

And a great laugh.

Hey! God can do anything.

He can?

She can.

You know, I-I think God is, uh, he's kinda tough, you know?

But he's fair.

Sort of like, like John Wayne in a white beard, you know?

Alright, pilgrims, move those clouds in a circle.

Well, I got my own idea of what God is like.

I know he's a sharp dresser.

And he's good lookin'.

And of course, he's Italian.

Yeah?

Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps

is a lot of jive.

God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section.

He got a piano, a bass guitar

and a drummer with a good right foot.

Well, I think that God is love.

And if God were here, he would love my tuna casserole.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, what's your feelings on this subject?

Well, I think that God is everywhere.

Even in liver?

He's everywhere.

He's in Times Square.

Used to be in Ebbets Field.

He's spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field.

He's moonlight in Vermont, autumn in New York.

All the standards.

He's everywhere.

With the possible exception of Epstein's gym locker.

You know, guys, all of us being here together Christmas Eve.

Reminds me of a little story.

- You see, my uncle-- - A story!

Gee, we'd really love to hear it

but, uh, we gotta go spread around

a little Christmas cheer here.

I'd love to stay and hear your story, Kotter

but I already gave you a gift.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, we've just got to split.

- Merry Christmas! - I really appreciate now.

You be cool.

And Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kotter.

- Merry Christmas. - The Kotterettes too.

To all, a goodnight.

Well, honey, sugar plum, baby...

this is it. All alone.

Yeah.

Let me tell you this little story.

[gasps] The babies!

[theme music]

Julie?

Julie?

[groans]

Oh, Santa Claus.

Nice to see you again this year.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my Cousin Frida?

Well, you see, she had her nose fixed.

But it grew back.

Ho ho ho!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪