Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Cousin Janet

who's away at school?

No.

She just wrote my aunt and my uncle a letter.

[Julie] Mm-hmm.

She said, "Dear mom and pop

"I know I haven't written to you for a week

"but there have been some extenuating circumstances.

"First of all, I had an accident and I hurt my leg.

"It's not serious, the doctor said I should

recover full use of it in about a year."

Uh-huh.

"The reason I didn't need your support was

"because I'd met a boy.

"In fact, I met him over a year ago

"and I have neglected to tell you about him.

"He's much older than I am, and he's not of our religion.

"But I think that you'll get to like him.

"Uh, we are going to get married.

"Not that we want to, we just have to.

"I'm sure you'll understand. Jerry should find a job.

He's been looking quite hard for the past year."

Then she signed her name, "Your loving daughter, Janet."

- Yeah. - "PS."

"Everything I've written you is absolutely false.

"However, I did get a "D" in English.

And I wanted you to see it in its proper perspective."

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

- How are you doing? - Check it out.

- Alright. - Hey, y'all.

What are you people doing with all those merchandise?

Gonna open up a pawnshop?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you kidding me?

You couldn't find stuff like this in a Picasso garage sale.

Hey, man, all this stuff here

these are our projects for art appreciation class.

Well, I thought it was "Be Kind to Trash Week."

Now, Mr. Kotter, there's a big difference

between garbage and art.

The art collector don't come twice a week.

Alright, let's see what you got.

Arnold Horshack, come on down.

[all applauding]

Thank you, thank you, my friends.

Thank you, Don Pardo.

[chuckling]

Here it is, Mr. Kotter. Do you like it?

Do I like it? Well, this is one of the best, um

one of these I've ever seen.

Then you know what it is?

Of course, I know what it is, Arnold, I'm a teacher.

Let's see if one of them knows what it is.

Yeah, I know what it is, I could check

that out from any distance, let me check

this out a little slow.

It's a swimming pool for pigmies.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's a hat for a monkey.

[imitating monkey]

You better put a strap on it, though.

Go ahead, Mr. Kotter, you tell them what it is.

Go ahead, go ahead.

- Well, uh... - Go ahead.

- This is, uh... - Go ahead.

Arnold, it's your project. Why don't you tell them?

It's a combination ashtray and denture cup.

You see, you can put out your cigarettes and your teeth

at the same time.

Alright, you wanna see art? Okay, I'll show you art.

Check it out, check it out. Look at this.

Alright, this, this is a plaster of Paris pizza.

Alright, the, the, uh, nice screws are made

as anchovies.

A-and the, uh, washer's the pepperonies.

What's, uh, what's that? Right over there?

Oh, t-that's a fly that fell in when I was making it.

It looked so good to him. He didn't know the difference.

You want a piece?

No, no, no, I like, uh, sausage pizza.

Oh, I can't make you that. I ran out of bolts.

Okay, Mr. Kotter, now since you dispensed

with the amateurs, it's time to repay it

with a visit from the old master.

Better known as "Vincent Van Gogh of the Ghetto."

Got it right on here. I made a bust.

Check it out.

This hand symbolizes man

reaching out to his fellow man.

Wow, Fredrick.

I think his manicure has turned on him.

That's what happens when you don't tip.

- Thanks, huh. - It's terrific, Freddie.

Thanks a lot.

Okay, now, today I--

Buenosmorning. Buenosmorning.

Epstein, Epstein!

Come here.

First of all, you're five minutes late.

And second of all, where's your project for art class?

My project's out the window.

- Out the window? - Yeah.

- Where? - Right out there.

The wino on the park bench is your project?

Come on,come on, you gotta look down.

Yeah, look down.

- Oh, that sheet on the wall? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, every year a student is picked to paint a muriel

for art appreciation week.

And this year you were picked to paint the muriel?

Well, actually, I was a runner-up.

Uh, the guy they picked first

met with a very unfortunate accident.

I guess the art game can be real rough, you know?

Yeah, I guess so. What'd you paint?

Well, look, it's not just the painting, see, I mean, it's...

Look, Mr. Kotter...

...once in a lifetime, a man knows a moment...

A wonderful moment.

When fate takes his hands.

♪ And this is his moment ♪

♪ It's once in a lifetime ♪♪

- Let's see it. - Hang on, hang on.

May I present to you

"Epstein's Madonna."

[hooting]

- Alright. - It's nice, it's really nice.

That's very nice.

It's... It's the first time I've seen an artist

sign his name up somebody's nose.

Well, it's a good thing she ain't alive.

One big sneeze and you'd be anonymous.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, you guys ain't seen nothin' yet.

The rest of her is around the corner.

Well, uh, Juan, why did you paint her around the corner?

It's a heck of a lot easier than straightening out the wall.

[hooting]

Oh, boy.

Kotter, this is an outrage. She's nude.

I'm an artist. I paint what's inside of me.

The problem's not what you've got on the inside

it's what she's got on the outside.

Ah...

Now I know why my sister has her own room.

Epstein, she's supposed to have clothes on.

- I ran out of paint. - Yeah, he ran out of paint.

Now, listen, Epstein, either you put those grapes

where they do some good...

...or I'll send you to Principal Lazarus' office.

[indistinct chatter]

Wait a sec, wait a sec.

Mr. Woodman, that's not for you to decide.

I mean, this mural is his art class project.

That's wonderful.

And what's he doing for social studies?

Invading Poland?

- Hey. - Hey, take it easy, huh?

Juan, Woodman does have a point.

I mean... the lady's nude.

Come on, I know my rights.

This is a schoolyard wall.

A lot of people go by here every day.

Now, if you wanted to paint something like this

you could've done it on a canvas.

Look, you don't understand. It's art.

Now, that's my vision of life, and I ain't gonna change it.

- That's right! - That's right.

- So listen to him. - He's got a right.

Besides, once I connect the dots, that's that.

[bell ringing]

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Here are the art books that you wanted

us to pick up in the library.

You know, some of the pictures in here

are definitely not suitable for family viewing.

Uh, we got some bad titles inside them books.

Well, right here we got, Renaissance paintings, uh-huh...

We got over here, mm, "The great masters."

That's a good one, that's bad, boy.

And right over here, we have "To loose the trick.

And other short stories."

I can tell this book's really old.

Van Gogh still has both his ears.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you know what?

I ain't never been to a library before.

Man, that was really stupid. Everybody's going, "Shh!"

Were they, were they, they afraid of wakin' up the books?

Did, uh, did you take out a book, Vinnie?

No, but I'm gonna take out the librarian Saturday night.

Vinnie, you better get it back on time.

It's three cents a day if she is late.

I can afford that.

Kotter, there's another one.

Third complaint this morning about that nude...

Epstein's not gonna get away with this.

Relax, Mr. Woodman, Juan's in Mr. Lazarus' office right now.

Lazarus is gonna decide.

What's all this? More filth?

Mr. Woodman, I don't know if what Juan painted belongs

in a schoolyard or not, but I had the guys get you

these books to show you that it wasn't filth.

Look. Look here, look at this painting by Botticelli.

It won't work, Kotter.

There's a big difference between this nude and Epstein's.

Why?

Well, this one doesn't have "Born to Boogie"

tattooed on her thigh.

Juan, Juan!

What did Lazarus say?

Well, uh, Jack said that I could keep it up

until Miss Holtzgang grades it.

And then if it passes, well, heh-heh

I can keep it up all week.

[all cheering]

What about morality and public decency?

We've gotta keep the human body out of our schools.

Let's start with yours.

Mr. Woodman, the human body is a beautiful thing.

Kotter, if God wanted us to be naked...

...why would there be leisure suits?

- Hey, how're you doin'? - How're you doin'? How are you?

Thanks a lot. Glad you like it there.

Listen, uh, Juan...

You won your first battle, now, it's up to

the art teacher to decide.

Yeah, you know, Mr. Kotter

up until now, everybody just thought of me as, uh

just another pretty punk, you know?

But that painting over there, that proves

that they're wrong, huh?

Right. Proves you're a pretty punk that can paint.

Thanks.

- Juan, you know... - Yeah.

I can't put my finger on it

but there's something about that painting.

Do you know where I can find Juan Epstein?

Look, officer, I was nowhere near the place.

- I got an alibi. - No.

No, no, I'm a reporter.

From Eye To Eye News.

Are you the artist?

Yeah.

Then you must be one of his teachers?

Yes, I'm, uh, I'm Mr. Kotter. ♪-O-T-T-E-R and, um...

We're all very proud of Juan.

As his teacher, Mr. Kotter

what do you think of the painting?

What do I think of the painting? Oh, well...

I think the painting's great.

I think, uh, it shows a lot of depth

for a high school student.

'Cause to me, uh...

...there's something about that face

that looks awful familiar, you know?

I know I've seen her somewhere before.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, you have.

That's Mrs. Kotter.

Well, that's why. That's why it looks familiar.

- He painted a nude of my wife... - Yeah.

You put a nude picture of Julie in the schoolyard?

What are you, crazy?

Come here, Juan.

Come here, I wanna talk to you a second.

Come here, Juan. Come over here.

Come here.

We do this all the time. It's... Come here.

Epstein.

We just kid around like this.

Come here, Juan!

[theme music]

How could Juan do that?

Put your face on someone else's nude body.

I don't know. In a way, honey, I'm kind of flattered.

Flattered? Julie, it's ridiculous.

Your face on Dolores DelVecchio's body.

Honey, how do you know it's Dolores DelVecchio's body?

Well, I got Juan to admit it, after I tackled him.

I kinda knew it all along.

I mean, that it wasn't your body.

I mean, Dolores could really fill out a wall.

And I can't?

Oh...

Julie, my honey, my sweetie, my poopsie.

What else?

Julie, the difference between you and Dolores

is about 18 bricks.

Well, if it's just my face, what are you so worried about?

Julie, you think I wanna go to school

and have to look at your face everyday?

Uh, what I mean is, you know, look at your face

on somebody else's, uh, naked body.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get it. You know what I meant.

What are you looking at me for?

Hello.

Yes, this is the nude's husband.

No, I don't have any pocket-size pictures of my wife.

Julie, this is getting serious.

You know, there was a TV news guy down today.

They wanna do somethin' on the news tomorrow.

But, honey, you were so proud of Juan.

You said he was, he was finally

expressing himself in a socially positive way.

Yeah, well, let him be social and positive

with somebody else's wife.

I'm gonna call him up. This thing has got to stop.

It's really gone too far.

Hello, Mrs. Epstein, can I speak to Juan?

Buenos noches.

Mrs. Epstein, you can speak English.

This is not the police.

It's Mr. Kotter.

Juan? Buenos nochesto you.

Juan, listen, it's mister...

Can you meet me in the schoolyard right now?

Yeah. What do you mean you don't go out in the dark?

I'll see you there, okay?

Alright. Buh-bye.

I'm just gonna talk to him.

It's really getting to bother me, honey.

- Uh, baby? - What?

Keep your clothes on till I get back.

[spray can hisses]

There.

That's better.

Maybe a little more there.

[spray can hisses]

Maybe one more touch there.

[spray can hisses]

My nude wife is not gonna be on the 11 o'clock news.

Oh, no.

Who would do this to Juan's painting?

[indistinct chatter]

- Say hi to Mr. Kotter. - Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, the guys and I, we talked it over

and I decided that I ain't gonna change the painting.

Yes, so, uh, you can just turn around

like a good little buckaroo...

...skip on home with your spray can of paint.

- Uh, I won't... - Spray, spray can?

[Arnold] What?

[all gasp]

[Arnold] Don't look!

Don't look. Don't look!

Mr. Kotter!

How could you do this?

I didn't do anything.

Come on!

I know you're bummed on me

on account I used Mrs. Kotter's face.

But she's the only girl I know that don't have zits.

Guys, look, you gotta believe me.

I didn't do anything.

Then who did?

Someone who didn't like your painting.

Someone who's really destructive.

Somebody who's reallytwisted.

Somebody who's really short.

[in unison] Woodman.

I'm ruined.

What difference does it make?

It's the first thing I ever do in my life

it just goes to pot.

Look, Juan.

If it's really important to you

we can't let Woodman get away with this.

Yeah, yeah, Juan, you know, like

w-we could all stay here with you all night

and we can help.

In fact, Arnold could be the drop cloth.

- Hey, you know what, Juan? - What?

It could be really interesting

if I get to paint the part that I want.

Well, look, I...

I'm the one who, uh who painted it...

...so, I'm gonna be the one who fixes it.

- Alright, that's fine. - Yeah.

Right, come on, guys, let's leave the artist to his work.

- Come on. Good luck, Juan. - See you later, Juan.

[Freddie] Be cool, my man.

Hello, this is your Eye To Eye News reporter

Jerry Cronkite.

No relation.

In a few moments, the school art teacher

will tell us if Epstein's Madonna

is obscenity or art.

It's, uh, it's neither.

Can you tell us, Mr. Epstein

uh, does your painting have any message?

Yes, but I'm not old enough to know what it is.

Come on, come on, this is my interview.

You just ask me the questions here.

Um, exactly

what painters influenced you?

Uh, well, uh, uh

Rembrandt for the eyes.

Picasso for the mouth.

And the body, Earl Scheib.

[Gabe] Uh, everybody.

Uh, everybody, uh

Miss Holtzgang is ready to grade the painting.

- Oh! - Alright.

Uh, just one more question, Mr. Epstein.

Um, conceptually thinking

um, what does your naked body eating grapes represent?

A-a naked body eating grapes.

Juan, Juan, I am ready

to give you your grade now.

- Oh, this is it. - Oh, l-let's hear it.

This is the moment we've been waiting for.

The fate of the Epstein Madonna is about to be decided.

[indistinct chatter]

There's no bikini!

Where's my bikini, Kotter?

Relax, Mr. Woodman, we'll give you a bikini

when you go to the beach.

Alright, okay, now.

Before I give Juan his grade

I would like to say that I think

he has a great eye for color, space and proportion.

[all cheering]

Especially proportion.

[cheering continues]

Get, get to the point.

Is it obscene or isn't it?

No, it is not.

[all cheering]

Some very small minds

might think this is just a naked lady

but we artists

feel that the human body

is the greatest artistic image

that can be painted.

- Right. - Right.

And therefore, therefore

I'm going to give Juan

a B-plus.

[all applauding]

A B-plus?

A B-plus for no bikini?

Now, you're gonna have all kind of weirdoes around here.

Will you stop it, Mr. Woodman?

We're not gonna have any weirdoes around here.

Repent! The world is coming to an end!

[screaming]

You see?

It started already.

That's no weirdo, Mr. Woodman.

That's one of my uncles.

This is Jerry Cronkite saying

maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight and good luck.

- Goodnight, Dolores. - Bye.

- So long. - Oh, u-uh...

Am I off?

You guys were all way off.

Well, how did we do, huh?

Well, Juan, look, you got something to be proud of.

Your painting's gonna stay up all week.

Well, well, thanks a lot.

I-I really appreciate your support

and all, Mr. Kotter, but, uh, I hope

I didn't mess things up with Mrs. Kotter, you know?

Puttin' her face on Dolores DelVecchio's nude body.

Heh.

- Wait a minute. - Huh?

That's, that's Dolores DelVecchio.

- My Dolores DelVecchio? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Vinnie, I mean, sure you didn't recognize

the... oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, come on, Vinnie!

Even I knew it was Dolores.

I mean...

[indistinct chatter]

Vinnie. Vinnie, Vinnie, come on!

Hey, guys.

Vinnie!

So, that's Dolores DelVecchio.

[theme music]

Okay, okay.

Voila!

Here it is.

What... Honey, I don't think

it looks anything like me.

On second thought...

You're right, it doesn't look anything like you.

Come on.

- Julie. - Oh!

Did I tell you about my Uncle Willie?

Um, Gabe, what does your Uncle Willie

have to do with my portrait?

You see, my Uncle Willie

looked exactly like James Cagney.

Every time he went anywhere, people would say

"Hey, aren't you James Cagney?"

And all his life, he had to say

"No, I'm not James Cagney," right?

So, one day this beautiful lady

comes up to him, she says, "James Cagney!"

And my Uncle Willie says, "No, I am not James Cagney."

And she says, "Well, that's too bad.

You know, I always wanted to make love to James Cagney."

Yeah.

- You know what my uncle said? - No.

What did he say?

[imitates James Cagney] "You dirty rat. You come with me."

[both laughing]

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must have been ♪

♪ And I know... ♪♪