Original subtitles

My Uncle Thomas.

Your Uncle Thomas.

My Uncle Thomas is walking down the street one day

and he sees a man lying on the sidewalk

with his ear to the ground like this.

And?

My Uncle Thomas says, "What are you doing lying on the sidewalk

with your ear to the ground like that?"

The guy goes, "Shh!"

So my Uncle Thomas lies down on the ground and listens.

He says, "Mister, I don't hear anything."

The guy goes, "I know, it's been like that all day."

[laughs]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Okay.

Now Harris kidnapped Helen which started the Trojan War.

Who can tell me what was inside the Trojan Horse?

- Barbarino. - What was what?

What was inside the Trojan Horse?

I don't know.

I, I guess the usual stuff, you know?

Hay, horse guts.

Wrong. Epstein.

There was an army inside the Trojan Horse.

It was an army inside the Trojan Horse, Barbarino.

Oh, you're so smart, aren't you?

You know, I hope the housing never gets that bad here.

I wouldn't mind living in a horse.

So long as they didn't try and stick me

with living in a rear apartment.

[laughs]

Okay. Now the Greek army was inside the Trojan Horse.

That is so crazy.

H-how could they put a whole army in a horse?

They disguised themselves as carrots.

This is really ridiculous. An army inside a horse.

I wonder where they put the navy? In a, in a cow?

Yeah, they were commanded by Rear Admiral L.C., low fat.

[all booing]

Hey, it's early. What do you want?

Kotter, would you, uh...

Will you, please, stop telling jokes?

The groaning disturbs the other classes.

What are you feelin' bad about today, Mr. Woodman?

Find out somebody else is playin' the Grinch

this Christmas?

As a matter of fact, I'm feeling rather jovial today, Kotter.

I've just seen Mr. Sloan, the English teacher.

Washington here got a 90 in his literature test.

A 90?

Out of how many?

Out of a 100, dumb-dumb.

A 90? That's an A. Freddie got an A in English. Yeah.

[all cheering]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much

but I just really wanna say one thing and that is

if you're slow, you blow

but when you're fast, you pass.

[all cheering]

[all] Mr. A! Mr. A--

Uh, alright, alright, clock it, clock it.

Fs are what Sweathogs get.

And the only reason you get Fs is because the school board

won't let us give out Gs.

Admit it, Washington. You cheated.

Wait a second, Mr. Woodman. You have proof that he cheated?

Kotter, they couldn't take a blood test without cheating.

Are you calling me stupid?

That's close, Barbarino.

I'm calling all of you stupid.

Oh, th-that's better.

- Hey, can he do that? - Come on, come on.

Kotter won't stand for that, will ya?

No, I won't.

Look, Mr. Woodman, if you got nothing better to do

go out and coach the Olympic mudslinging team.

Sorry, Kotter. Work before pleasure.

He cheated.

Mr. Woodman, you don't know what you're talking about.

The reason I got that A

is because the facts are right here.

I knew it, Washington.

You had the answers written in your hair.

Look, Mr. Woodman, if Freddie says he passed legitimately

I believe him. I believe in Freddie.

So what? I believe in music.

Wait. I know, I know a way to prove whether or not he cheated.

How?

Let him take a make-up test with Sloan and myself in the room.

Why should I do that?

He's right. Why should he do that?

I mean, he passed the test fair and square and that's that.

- He did not and that's that. - What's what?

Come on, come on, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please calm yourself.

We're all, uh, rational people here.

I'm not.

- Not now, Arnold, please. - Well, I'm sorry. I'm not.

I still cry when somebody sits on my teddy.

Alright, alright, alright, everybody here's rational

but Arnold. Everybody got that?

Now, my dear man, uh, Washington here obviously passed the test

and he's under no obligation to take another one.

However, to silence his accuser

he'll be more than delighted to take another one.

[all cheering]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the way y'all, y'all feel about it, y'all got it.

[cheering]

Attaboy, Freddie.

- I'm proud of you. - Alright.

He'll take your test, Mr. Woodman.

Now what do you have to say about that?

[Juan] Yeah.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The skies above are clear again ♪

♪ Let us sing a song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days... ♪♪

Okay, what do you wanna do, Robin?

I have a 6.

You got 17.

You wanna hit? Okay.

You're not supposed to, you know?

You're supposed to stay on 17.

Yes, you are.

Don't eat the cards, Robin.

Come on, here you go.

You got 21.

No, no, no, no. You don't eat 21.

21's a good hand. I got 17. You win.

You win, Robin-bobbin.

Okay, honey, cash her in.

She's gotta go to sleep. Her sister's already tucked in.

Hey, nobody leaves this casino a winner.

[chuckles] You can get even tomorrow.

You can play her for her string carrots, okay?

Let's go. It's time to go sleepy.

Yes, it is. It's time to go sleepy, Robbin-bobbin.

Yes, it is.

Here we go. Sleepy time.

Say hello to your sister. Where is your sissy?

[knock on door]

I'll get it, honey.

- Hi, Freddie. - How you doin', Mrs. Kotter?

- Um, y'all busy? - No, come on in.

- How's the Kotterittes? - Oh, they're fine.

Uh, honey, Freddie's here.

[Gabe] No, he's not. He's home studying.

His test is tomorrow.

Oh, well, then you better call the police

'cause somebody stole his face.

You will never get away with this, my good man.

Freddie Washington was loved by all.

Now take that thing off.

[chuckles] Yeah, I just, I just wanna thank you, Mr. Kotter

for stickin' out for me today in class.

Don't mention it. Now go home and study.

See, if it wasn't for you, Mr. Kotter, man, us Sweathogs

wouldn't have nobody on our side, man, you know.

Well, Freddie, you know that Gabe always pulls

for the underdog.

You know, he is still pulling for Amelia Earhart

to land in Newark.

She just had a lousy travel agent.

Uh, I don't know about tomorrow. I-I just don't know.

You know, w-what if something goes wrong?

- Look, stop worrying, okay? - Yeah.

- But something could go-- - Freddie, no more buts.

You're gonna do fine.

Look, Freddie, you know the material

you got a 90 on the first test, all you gotta do is brush up.

- I'll tell you what. Sit down. - I don't know--

I'll play you one-handed blackjack, okay?

Now if you win, you get a soda and then you go home and study.

If I lose?

You go home and study and maybe get a soda.

Go ahead and deal.

Uh, what kind of soda you want, Freddie?

- He didn't win yet. - He will.

I'll take a root beer.

- Hey, Mr. Kotter. - Oh, you want another card?

No, I got blackjack.

Give him the soda.

How do you get blackjack on the first hand? How'd you do that?

I cheated.

How could you cheat? Gabe was dealing.

Well, I'm not talking about in-in the cards. I'm...

See, I, I cheated on Mr. Sloan's test.

I don't know what to say.

Go ahead, yell at me, Mr. Kotter.

I know I got it comin'.

Yelling isn't gonna solve anything, Freddie.

Freddie, why don't you just go home? Go ahead. Go home.

We'll talk... I'll tell Woodman tomorrow, okay?

Honey!

What do you want me to do, Julie?

I thought I had a relationship with this guy

built on two years of trust and understanding.

He just threw it all out of the window.

Go ahead, Freddie. Go home.

Alright.

Where you goin'?

- Home. - Sit down.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you got to make your mind up, you know?

Things are bad enough, you know.

- Why did you cheat? - Why did I cheat?

'Cause I really knew that stuff about "The Three Musketeers."

What?

Look, dig what I'm saying, alright? Alright.

Okay, like, look, now in a subject like Geometry

if I get a 65, I don't care, 'cause, see, I-I expect to fail.

See, I mean, I can't, I can't tell one triangle from another.

I mean, they all look alike to me.

Now are you with me?

I am hanging by my thumbs.

Okay, now, okay, what I'm saying here, Mr. Kotter

is about them three musketeers.

I know all about them dudes.

I read the book eight times, I saw the movie twice.

In fact, it's even my favorite candy bar.

Well, then why did you cheat, Freddie?

'Cause I wanted to pass.

But you just said you know the material.

The fact is...

...I-I don't trust myself.

I understand, Freddie.

No, I'm, I really understand.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I went to school up in Yucatan

there was a guy named Too-Tall Tannenbaum.

You know, this also reminds me of a story

of the long-necked crane.

Wait a second, Julie, my story comes first.

Yeah, well, uh, maybe so

but I think I'd rather hear about the long-necked crane.

Well, you see, Freddie, the long-necked crane

used to fly on gossamer wings.

Yeah.

On second thought, tell me about Too-Tall Tannenbaum.

Okay, Too-Tall Tannenbaum was a great basketball player.

He used to stand at the foul line and take shots.

Jump shots, hook shots, every kind of shot.

- Make 49 out of 50. - Just like the crane.

What are you talking about? Could the crane play basketball?

No, but he was a great flyer when he was all alone

not when the other cranes were watching him.

Same thing with Too-Tall Tannenbaum.

He could shoot great

but he couldn't play basketball in a real game.

You see, it's the same story, Freddie.

Do you understand?

I think so. Let me see if I got this now.

[clears throat] Now you're sayin' you got a basketball player who can't fly

and you got a crane that can't shoot baskets.

Not exactly, but it's the same general idea.

Let me tell you what the windup was.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm way ahead of you.

Now I got it, now what you're sayin' is that

Too-Tall learned to trust himself

and became a leader of the team, right?

Right. You got it.

And what you're sayin' is that the crane learned

to trust himself and became the leader of the flock, right?

Wrong. He tried to fly with his eyes closed

and smashed into a mountain.

What kind of story is that?

It's a funny story.

Well, if you don't mind, I'm gonna stick

with the Tannenbaum story, alright?

And, uh, Mrs. Kotter, if I see a crane in a neck brace...

...I'll give him your regards.

Hey, thanks a lot, Mr. Kotter. You're alright.

And, Mrs. Kotter, thank you, you've been a big help.

Right on. I'll check you later!

- You're welcome. - Alright.

Thanks a lot.

What kind of story is that? A crane crashes into a mountain?

Well, what kind of story is that? Too-Tall Tannenbaum!

Well, Too-Tall Tannenbaum happens to be a real person.

You don't know any real people. You only know joke people.

Let me tell you about Too-Tall Tannenbaum's uncle

Too-Short Tannenbaum.

Now one time, he was walking

down the street and he sees this, uh, guy...

[Arnold] Freddie.

Freddie!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on now, Freddie. No need to strain your brain.

We got it all figured out here.

Check it out. Check it out.

You got all what figured out? What are you talkin' about?

How you can cheat so you can pass

that-that-that test of Sloan.

- Yeah, yeah. - No, guys, I'm not gonna cheat.

No offense, Freddie, but if you had to cheat the first time--

Yeah, well, Arnold, it's different this time, alright?

- Just be cool. - Exactly. Here.

- What? What? - Give me this here, Vinnie.

We got the answer to all your problems.

Viola.

The answer sandwich.

See, now this is perfect.

When you go in, you tell Mr. Sloan

that you ain't had no breakfast

and you brought this sandwich here

to chomp on during the test.

Now dig this.

[chuckles] Dig this.

Dig this.

Everything about "The Three Musketeers"

has been carefully written on the cold cuts.

- Come again. - Look, look.

It's very simple, Freddie. Look.

You have this sandwich like this, alright?

You're sittin' in a classroom and then you say

"Hey, Mr. Sloan, why don't you come over and check out

"and see if I'm cheating in there?

See if I got somethin' written on the wax paper?"

Then he comes over, right?

And he sees that there ain't nothin' on the wax paper

but wax.

We're so smart.

Here, here. Here, let me circumnavigate this here.

Now, now the cold cuts

uh, they're divided into, uh, into three categories.

Yeah, uh...

The tongue is Alexandre Dumas.

Uh, the three musketeers are baloney.

And, uh...

...France is a Polish sausage.

Arnold, you used mustard!

So? Freddie likes mustard.

Yeah, but I told you not to use mustard.

You can't see through mustard. I told you to use mayo.

Don't worry about it. Give it to me.

I-I'll write it on the pickles.

That's alright. Don't worry about nothing.

In fact, don't bother about nothin'

'cause I ain't gonna use it, alright?

What are you talking about?

These answers cost us $1.95 a pound.

Yeah, yeah, and not only that

I mean, this is the perfect cheating system.

I mean, when you finish the test, you eat the evidence.

Now look, no way. I'm not gonna cheat.

Freddie, you gotta cheat.

You-you can't let Woodman go around calling you a cheater.

Hey, Vinnie, look.

Vinnie, Juan, Arnold, listen to me, alright?

Now look, I'm gonna try to take the test

and pass on the up and up.

Hey, Freddie. Well, you ready?

Yeah. Yeah, I-I think so.

Well, just remember. Two-Tall Tannenbaum.

Yeah.

I gotta trust myself.

Well, if it isn't the four musketeers.

Hoppo, Groucho, Chico and Flunko.

Have your fun now.

Just wait till this test is over.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪♪

[bell ringing]

Well, um, I-I guess I, I-I better go in, right?

Yeah, and, uh, the rest of you guys, uh

there's a class starting right now inside, so...

Good luck, Freddie.

Wait a minute, little musketeer.

You are not going to sally forth into battle

without the support of your friends, are you?

[in unison] All for one and one for all.

Some way you live, Freddie.

Yeah. Rah-rah, that's the spirit.

This is the best test I ever ate.

Alright, so the windup was that Andrew Johnson

narrowly missed impeachment.

Epstein.

Uh, Mr. Kotter, why do we gotta read

about people who lived a hundred years ago?

Now they ain't never gonna read about us.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I wish that I was born a hundred years ago.

That way I have a hundred less years of history to remember.

Aren't you people interested in how other people lived?

Mr., okay, Mr. Kotter

we-we learn about history in this class, right?

Once in a while, it does come up.

Alright, I got a question pertaining to history.

Now in the Dark Ages, did they have sunlight?

- Okay, now-- - So you see, Mr. Woodman.

See, uh, what Dumas was really talkin' about was that

a man's man was not afraid to show affection for another man.

You dig what I'm saying, right?

Alright, Washington. Don't rub it in.

Freddie, how did you do in the test?

Uh, I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Kotter.

Now, Mr. Woodman, what I'm saying is that--

Freddie, did you pass?

Did I, did I pass?

Got a 84.

[all cheering]

I'll be in, uh, Sloan's room, Kotter.

I wanna check the test result again.

Maybe Sloan made a mistake.

♪ Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky ♪

♪ Stormy weather ♪♪

[bell rings]

- Lunch. Let's go get lunch. - Alright.

Come on, Freddie, I'm gonna go buy you lunch

pick up the check and, uh, give it to Arnold here.

[chuckles]

Hey, you know what, Freddie, the really beautiful thing about--

- What? What? - About not cheatin'.

You-you, you never gotta worry about gettin' caught.

Freddie, can I see you a second?

Sure. Hey, I'll catch you all up in a minute, right?

Y'all wait up.

What's up, Mr. Kotter?

Freddie, isn't there something you have to do now?

What?

You gotta tell Mr. Sloan about the first test.

Let me ask you something, Mr. Kotter, alright?

Now suppose, now just suppose

I was gonna tell you that

I was never gonna cheat on a test again

would you believe me?

Yes.

What's done is done, Mr. Kotter.

It don't make no sense in diggin' up dead bodies.

Freddie, the fact that you got an 84 in this test

that doesn't erase the fact that you cheated on the first test.

Okay. What does?

The only thing that does is going into Mr. Sloan's class

and fessing up, telling him that you cheated.

Oh, wow. Man.

I guess, I guess I gotta do that little thing, huh?

Freddie, it's up to you, but, uh...

...if you don't go, I...

...I'll be forced to tell you another

Two-Tall Tannenbaum story.

Okay, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, it's not going to be easy, you know, but...

...there is one thing I'd like to say.

You're a pretty good teacher...

...but you're a better friend.

Well, my brother will be over any second, honey.

You did a terrific job.

And with a broken arm no less.

Oh, thanks, honey, it's gonna be a real happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

Hey, ever tell you what happened to my uncle--

Uh, honey, let's keep it happy, okay?

Now this is a really cute story. You see, my uncle went--

Oh, oh, Gabe, I think I hear the babies.

I don't hear anything.

Oh, well, they're gonna start crying any second.

It's a good story.

It's a good story.

Did I ever tell you what happened to my uncle

on Thanksgiving?

Why...

That's better.

My Uncle Robert goes into this restaurant

for Thanksgiving dinner.

Now the owner comes up to him after the meal, he says

"Mr. Kotter, how did you like dinner?"

My uncle said, "It was good, but you only gave me

two slices of bread."

Now the next year, my uncle goes back to the same restaurant

and the owner remembers him, so he says to the waiter

"See that guy over there?

Make sure this year, he's got four slices of bread."

So he goes up to my uncle after the meal, he said

"Well, Mr. Kotter, how'd you like it this year?"

Now my uncle said, "Well, uh, it was okay

but you still didn't give me enough bread."

So the next Thanksgiving, he comes in and the owner says

"Well, that's the guy that never thinks he has enough bread."

He takes a big long French bread

and he cuts it right down the center.

He says, "Here, give him this."

So after the meal, he walks over to my uncle, he said

"Mr. Kotter, how'd you like it this year?"

And my uncle says, "Well, it was okay

but why'd you go back to two slices?"

You got no sense of humor.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪♪