Original subtitles

- Listen to this one. - Okay!

My Uncle Leonard bought an octopus.

And my Aunt Sophie, she says, "Why'd you buy an octopus?"

He says, "Because I'm gonna make a million dollars

I'm gonna teach this octopus to play the bagpipes."

Uh-huh.

So he locks the octopus in a room with the bagpipes

and he checks an hour later

to see if the octopus is playing the bagpipes

comes back outta the room, my Aunt Sophie says

"Well, was the octopus playing the bagpipes?"

He said, "No, he was making love to it."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct whispering]

What do you say, Judy?

Will you sign our petition here?

Petition?

What are you guys trying to do, get one of the Sweathogs

a stay of execution?

[laughing]

Nah, it been two or three semesters

since there was any Sweathogs on death row.

Oh, excuse me, I gotta go to class.

Sure.

Right after you sign a petition to can Mr. Woodman

and get Mr. Kotter as vice principal.

Go on, sign it.

But I like Mr. Woodman.

You like Mr. Woodman?

Nobody likes Mr. Woodman.

Liking Mr. Woodman is like, like liking gook.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tough!

- Alright, what's the deal? - Hey, little Juan, hi, Vinnie!

Alright, Freddie, how many names you got so far?

Well, that depends, how many times am I allowed to sign?

Good morning!

[softly] Hey, how're you guys doing?

Ah, that must be the famous

"Kotter for Vice Principal" petition.

Oh?

You've heard about it?

Heard about it, the entire school knows about it.

The nurses office is filled with students

Epstein persuaded to sign.

That's my little Margie.

[chuckles]

Ah, some of 'em just needed, you know, a little incentive.

Yeah, I saw the nurse putting an icepack on somebody's incentive.

Yeah. Mr. Kott-aire, Mr. Woodman's contract is up.

Yeah, a-and the school board, they might not

renovate the contract.

Renew the contract.

Yeah, renew, renovate, reconcile

it's all the same thing.

I have certain reason to believe that a certain job was discussed

with a certain Mr. Kott-aire?

Yeah, and you are that certain Mr. Kott-aire.

How do you guys know all this?

Well, yesterday, Principal Lazarus, he wrote out a memo

and then he-he showed it to Epstein.

Habadababa!

Principal Lazarus showed it to Epstein?

Yeah, more or less.

It was sitting in the bottom of his desk drawer and, uh...

...you know old Jack Lazarus, he stepped out for a moment.

He obviously wanted me to see it!

Obviously. Alright, guys, come on, sit down.

Listen, I want to thank you for thinking of me, but, uh

I'm happy doing what I'm doing and that's what I told Lazarus.

Okay, now can we turn to page 24, I wanted you...

Hi, hello, everybody.

Uncle Woody here.

Mind if I pop in for a sec?

Oh, look!

It's Pop'n Fresh.

The Buchanan Doughboy.

How exhilarating to be the brunt of your jokes.

Can this be the same Mr. Woodman who has dedicated his life

to the overthrow of laughter and happiness?

[laughing]

Another delightful bit of ridicule at my expense.

You know, boys, it's time we got closer.

What do you say I take you to the Jets game on Sunday?

The Jets are playing in Oakland.

So, it's just a five-day bus ride.

Yeah, it'd be terrific, five days on a bus.

Bring along an extra set of kidneys.

[laughter]

He ain't bussing me nowhere.

Alright, boys.

How about dropping this silly petition?

No way, Mr. Kotter's gonna make a great vice principal.

What does Kotter have that I haven't got?

For starters, more than one suit.

Yeah, and he doesn't crawl behind a rock twice a year

to shed his skin.

Mr. Woodman, I...

You know what's wrong with you, Kotter?

Ruthless ambition.

Now, remember... power corrupts.

Look at me!

Mr. Woodman, I don't want your job!

No, your sister has been asleep for two hours already, Robin

you cannot stay up and see who Johnny Carson's guest host is.

No. You can't, I'm sorry, huh?

- Hello, lefty! - Hiya, honey.

And who's this?

How're you doing, Robin Bobbin, how're you doing?

Wanna know how you feel today, you feel okay?

Oh, Julie, look, you made the school newspaper.

I did?

Yeah, right under "Teachers are human too."

Oh.

"Everyone wished Mrs. Kotter a speedy recovery after breaking

her arm trying to act like a teenager on a skateboard."

Teenager?

You know, I read today that three orthopedic surgeons said

that skate boarding's good.

Yes, for their business.

Julie, you gotta watch out for those things, you know

my school insurance only covers pregnancies, right?

You mean if I carry this thing around for nine months

they'll pay for it?

You'll need to go through natural cast-off.

Robin Bobbin, time to go to sleep, let's go, come on.

[Julie] Night.

- Hey, Julie? - What?

[Gabe] Julie, guess what happened in school today?

What?

Guess what happened in school today?

What?

What are you yelling about?

The kids found out about my meeting with Lazarus

and they signed a petition to get me to replace Woodman.

Really?

Really, those crazy kids.

Well, what's so crazy about it?

You know I told you last week that I thought you'd make

a great vice principal.

- You really think so? - Sure.

All you have to know how to do is say

"I'm gonna call your mother," in five different languages.

There's more to it than that.

You gotta know how to say, "I'm not gonna call your mother

so get your hands off my neck."

[Julie laughs]

Anyway, what would Woodman do if I took his job?

But, you know, at least it would give him more free time

to train his tarantula.

You know, I think I sort of...

I'm used to Woodman, he's comfortable

sort of like an old shoe.

[laughs]

Oh, I can understand it, honey, but just think about

what all the extra money'd do.

I mean, we could pay off some of these bills.

Why are you always worried about these bills?

Honey, I pay these bills the same month they come in.

Different year, but same month.

Oh, well, I didn't marry you for your money anyway.

Julie, we're gonna be alright as far as money goes.

As long as the twins pay their rent on time.

You know what bothers me though?

- What? - The kids.

I mean I'm always telling 'em, "improve yourself."

Mr. Kotter, big teacher, improve yourself.

Now, when I get my own opportunity to do it

I don't take advantage of it.

Well, honey, what are you gonna do?

- I know what I'm gonna do. - What?

I'm gonna sign your cast.

Now, there's a solution, okay, here.

I'm gonna write something really sexy.

[chuckles] Okay, but you gotta take me out to dinner first.

Hello, Kotter.

I'd like a word with you before class.

Okay?

It's about your plans to oppose me for vice principal.

Mr. Woodman, that's not exactly true

I've been trying to tell you...

Kotter, do you think it's easy to be vice principal?

I don't care.

Let me tell you what's involved in this job.

You think I'm happy doing this, Kotter?

I have to do this...

...three hours every day

five days every week, fifty weeks every year.

Mr. Woodman, it doesn't matter!

And besides that, Kotter, I have to go to every basketball game

every football game, to prove to the school that I care.

You have to have spirit, Kotter.

I even have my own pom-poms.

♪ Cock-a-locka cock-a-locka won't you try? ♪

♪ Get another goal for them and take us high ♪♪

That's great, Mr. Woodman, can you do the splits too?

Listen, I don't want your job.

Mr. Woodman, listen to me, I don't want your job.

Really?

Really.

Well, then why did you make me crawl, Kotter?

I didn't make you crawl.

Yes, you did, you embarrassed me for nothing.

Mr. Woodman, I've been trying to tell you for two days

that I don't want the job.

Well, let me tell you something, Kotter

you wouldn't last two days on this job!

That's not exactly fair, Mr. Woodman.

I think that I would make a good vice principal.

I'm just, uh, I'm happy being a teacher.

Come on, Kotter, face it, you're scared to be vice principal

takes real courage to ride herd over 2000 rampaging ruffians.

Alright, come on, come in here!

You don't have to sneak around here, there's no secrets.

Mr. Woodman, "riding herd" is not the only way

to be vice principal.

In fact, I think there's a much better way.

Well, Mr. Kotter, if you really believe that

why won't you go after the job?

Because he hasn't got the guts!

Mr. Woodman, tomorrow morning I'm gonna go

down to the school board and I'm gonna tell them

I wish they would consider me for the job of vice principal.

- Hooray! - Alright!

[cheering]

Okay, Kotter...

...maybe you have the guts

but you haven't got the pom-poms!

♪ You asked for it you got it ♪

♪ Vice Principal ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Julie, how'd I get myself into this?

The kids pulling me one way, Woodman pushing me another way.

I'm not a man, I'm a pool toy.

Look, honey, I know you can do it

the Sweathogs know you can do it.

Woodman's challenging you to do it.

The only one standing in your way is you.

What about the twins?

Do they think I can do it?

I'll go ask them.

But I'm sure that they feel the same way I do.

Whatever you want is okay with us.

Meanwhile I'm gonna go fix you a nice cup of hot cocoa.

Hmm.

Vice Principal Kotter.

Woodman's wrong, power won't corrupt me.

Vice Principal Kotter.

Principal Kotter.

Emperor Kotter.

King Kotter.

[Freddie] Now, just, just in case, just in case

come on, hand me the ball, I wanna see if I can do it.

I'mma get it, just be patient.

You was never good.

Alright, class, settle down here, settle down now.

This here

is the year 20,050

and one of...

...one of the things that we celebrate

at this time of the year is...

That's the third time you've fallen asleep this week!

What did you say?

I said he's fallen asleep!

He fell in the creek?

Asleep, dog-gone-it!

Sleep, sleep, sleep!

Oh, sleep.

[snoring]

His Highness, the Vice Principal.

♪♪

It's Vice Principal Kotter-er-er-er-er.

I told you to call me "King."

Get down.

- Hail to the king. - Hail the king!

- Hail, hail! - Hail to the king.

[indistinct chatter]

Will you please stop this groveling?

You'll get runs in your orthopedic stockings.

Hey, you, kingie, king, king, hey, you!

When you gonna let me graduate?

My dear Washington, it's quite out of the question.

We need you for the basketball team.

Basketball team?

I've been playing basketball for 75 years.

I know.

And don't you think it's time you took a shower?

[laughter]

What did he say?

I said, "Take a shower, take a shower!"

Why, is there one missing?

That is a old joke!

What do you want from an old fool?

[loud chuckling]

[coughs]

Stop this, stop this!

You know I banished laughter when I exiled Woodman.

You banish laughter, then, why'd you hire me?

Simple. You're not funny.

Horshack?

Yes, sire?

I have something very important to discuss with you.

Ah, congratulations, my son.

I most certainly am not your son!

Isn't this the Fairchild wedding?

Lemme see that, this isn't the Fairchild wedding

you're in the wrong dream, that's the fourth dream

to the left, come on, get out of here.

Sorry, this is the first dream I've ever really been in.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, something important.

Horshack, my spies tell me there's a plot

afloat to kill me.

Why shouldn't we kill ya?

You're getting to be a real drag.

[laughter]

Yes and I'm going to be the new vice principal.

Never, never, never!

You shall never be vice principal!

As long as I am the king.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we'll put a fix to that.

I used to be so good looking.

Oh, yes, look who it is, my charming daughters

Robin and Rachel, and my wife, The Fossil.

Tell me, who told you you could buy a new dress?

Had to have something to wear to your execution, sonny.

So!

You're part of the plot too!

No more uncle jokes for me, just dead uncle jokes.

[laughing]

So everybody's a part of it, all of you!

Now, now, now, don't look at it as a beheading.

I want you to look at it as a crash diet.

Halt, fool!

He's mine!

I've waited a long time for this guy.

You might have my job, but you never had my pom-poms.

♪ Cock-a-locka cock-a-locka cock-a-locka cock-a-locka ♪

♪ Cock-a-locka cock-a-locka cock... ♪

Excuse me, excuse me?

Would you mind speeding up the execution?

This is the room for the Fairchild wedding.

♪ Cock-a-locka cock-a-locka ♪♪

No, no, no, no, no...

No! No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Honey, honey, wake up, honey, Gabe, wake up.

- Come on, wake up! - Oh, oh, oh, Julie, oh, honey!

- It's okay, it's all over. - Oh, honey. Oh!

Honey, I had the worst dream, I wa...

I was almost cock-a-locka'd to death.

It's okay, it's all over, honey.

Oh, Julie, I don't wanna be king.

Oh, and I was just gonna have your throne reupholstered.

That's what I was trying to tell myself in the dream.

I don't wanna be vice principal. You know it all makes sense.

Except for that Chinese minister.

Hey, Freddie, here's some more names.

Right on, Arnold Horshack, right on, Epstein.

Right on, Vinnie Barba... Alright!

We got it here, we got them things on the petition, you...

- Good morning, good morning. - Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, uh, Mr. Kot-taire, our "Dump Mr. Woodman" campaign

is right on target, we got enough signatures here

to put you over the top.

Fourteen-hundred and seven names.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, and not counting forgeries.

[laughter]

- Mr. Washington? - Sure, Mr. Kot-taire.

Anything for you, my man, Mr. VP.

[Freddie laughs]

Guys, I got something to say.

- Yeah? - Yeah?

I don't want to be vice principal.

- What? - What?

What?

Woodman hijacked the babies, huh?

Look, this is how I figure it, leaving a job

that you really love for one that pays more money

isn't necessarily a promotion.

I knew it, nobody ever gets promoted outta this class.

Vinnie, I think I, uh, I better stick around

and make sure you guys do.

You know, that's kinda nice, you not wanting to leave us.

There you are, Kotter.

Read it and weep, you and your gang didn't move fast enough.

The board never got your petition.

I've been renewed for two years.

Congratulations, Mr. Woodman, they must've figured

you're the best man for the job.

Well, you know, with Woodman staying as vice principal

we aren't gonna have to change our graffiti.

Mr. Jan from the school board gave me the news himself.

Oh, Mr. Jan? Come in please.

Mr. Jan, this is Mr. Kotter

unsuccessful candidate for my job.

Oh, Mr. Jan, nice to meet...

You look, uh, very familiar.

So do you, Mr. Kotter.

Perhaps we met at the Fairchild wedding?

[theme music]

Mr. Woodman, we're in heaven, okay?

We're in heaven?

It's a joke, we're in heaven, okay?

Alright, we're in heaven.

Okay, now there's two doors, one door has a sign above it

that says "Men that were henpecked by their wives."

The other door has a sign above it that says

"Men that were boss."

Now there's a long line of guys waiting

to get into the door that says, "Men that were

henpecked by their wives."

But there's only one guy waiting to get into the door that says

"Men that were boss."

- One guy? - One guy.

So St. Peter comes up to him and says

"I wonder how come you're the only guy waiting in this line?"

And he says, "I dunno, my wife told me to stand here."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could... ♪♪