Original subtitles

Honey, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Bart?

Bart Kotter?

Yes, Bart Kotter, the famous prospector.

One time he was prospecting for gold with his friend Jesus

and his friend Jesus gets bitten by a rattlesnake

right on the foot!

- The foot! - Yes.

So he says, "Bart, you gotta help me

"I got bitten by a rattlesnake right on my foot.

Go get a doctor quick, do somethin'!"

What did Bart do?

Bart rides into town to get a doctor and the doctor said

"I can't go now, I've got to deliver a baby this afternoon.

"I'll tell you what you do though

"you gotta cut open the wound

"and you gotta suck out all the poison

otherwise your friend is gonna die."

My, my.

So, Uncle Bart rides back there and Jesus is there and he says

"Hey, Bart, did you see the doctor?

"What are we gonna do about the rattlesnake bite on my foot?

What did the doctor say?"

and Bart says, "Doctor said you're gonna die."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

You ready, my man? Yeah? You ready?

Freddie is ready also.

Okay, here we go.

♪ Shada-dada dig dig dig ♪

Hold it, hold it

This is the part where I'm supposed to sing

"Dig, dig, dig" all by myself.

No, it ain't because you ain't been doing

the "Dig, digs" right, you dig?

It doesn't sound like much to me.

- What are you talking about? - This is gold here!

It's not the digs, it just lays there.

It gotta set in the groove, be hep

hoppa, hoppa, floy, floy.

Floy, floy?

Hey, Mr. Woodman, this is for the city

semi-final talent competition not for the over-30 crowd.

Well, you guys better be good

the competition's in three hours.

Well, don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

We'll grab 'em by the floy floys.

Freddie is ready, here we go.

♪ Shada-dada dig dig ♪

Gabe come on, we don't want to be late.

Honey.

Rachel went to sleep an hour ago

but Robin doesn't like the babysitter.

She says Esther's weird.

Esther's right in the other room

she's gonna hear you.

Did you explain to Robin that Esther took care of you

when you were a baby?

I know, that's what I told her.

But she says that's what's makin' her nervous.

Come on, honey, give Robin back to Esther.

We don't want to be late for the talent contest.

Come on, Robin bobbin', time to go to sleep.

Come on, let's go.

You know, I still cannot believe

the Sweathogs made it to the semi-finals.

Julie, how could they miss?

They were so great in the bathing suit competition.

Besides, it's not the Sweathogs.

Oh, how could I forget, "Three do's and a don't."

Where did they ever come up with that name?

Vinnie's idea.

I think it was the answers he got from his girlfriends

on Friday night.

Get it?

- I got it. - Good.

I'm gonna give Esther some last-minute instructions.

- Be right back. - Honey!

You have given her all the instructions she needs.

You have told her to make sure the door is double locked

to pull down the curtains

and you've made her memorize the numbers

of the fire department, the police, and the FBI.

Okay, but what, just what if a helicopter lands on the roof

and a regiment of armed Vulcans come over

and take siege of this apartment, huh?

- What if that happens? - Come on.

It could happen, you know, Vulcans are all over the place.

I know they are, let's go.

- You don't care about this. - I don't care about this.

Watch out for the Vulcans, Esther!

[shouting]

Mr. Woodman, when are the guys going on?

They're going after this guy.

Who's he?

Says here, "Number seven Eugene 'blowfish' Bigalow."

He's a novelty act from Erasmus High School.

What's he doing? He's just standing there.

No, he's not, he's holding his breath.

Yeah?

He's been doing it for 70 seconds

he's gone from white to red to blue.

A very patriotic act, Kotter.

If he doesn't win the contest

he can find work as an inner tube.

Three Do's.

Three Do's, one, two, three, and a Don't.

Featuring Vinnie Barbarino.

♪ Do ♪♪ Do ♪

♪ Do ♪♪ Don't ♪♪

Very catchy.

So, how do you like these snappy outfits?

They're 10 percent polyester

Twenty percent glitter, and 70 percent rented.

Alright, get your act together.

This is the first chance Buchanan's had

at the city championship since '54

when Crazy Delaney played three musical instruments.

Yeah, so...

What's so difficult about that?

He never took them out of the case.

Ah, don't you worry, Mr. Woodman

when we win, you're gonna be the first person we brush off.

Hey, not me, Mr. Woodman.

When I buy my estate, you're gonna be my lawn ornament.

Who would have thought that all of my hopes

would be ridin' on Three Do's and a Don't.

♪ Do ♪♪ Do ♪

♪ Do ♪♪ Don't ♪♪

No, no, no, no!

Hey, guys, I think you're on.

Blowfish just passed out.

So, now, ladies and gentlemen

we bring you our last entry in the citywide semi-finals.

From Buchanan High School, Three Do's and a Don't.

Featuring Vinnie Barbarino.

- What's he sayin'? - Alright, alright, alright.

Look, come on, come on, go out there, get on!

Wait, wait, we can't go on, we can't go on.

Why not?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Get out there!

[cheering]

Before we start, I have to say

thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

I really appreciate it, you beautiful, beautiful people.

Beautiful.

How come they're just sitting there? They're not applauding.

They're supposed to applaud after the act.

Oh, that's right.

Okay, Mr. Piano-type man person, hit it!

[piano trills]

♪ I don't care what the weather man says ♪

♪ When the weather man says it's raining ♪

♪ You never hear us complaining ♪

♪ Complaining ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm certain the sun will shine ♪

♪ Jee jee jee-jee jee ♪

♪ Jee jee jee-jee jee ♪

♪ Jee jee ah-jee-jee jee ♪

♪ Hubda hubda hubda hubda ♪

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

Jeepers, creepers!

♪ Where'd you get them peepers ♪

Where'd you get those peepers?

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ Where did you get those eyes ♪

♪ Golly gee no hope for me ♪

♪ When you start to turn those heaters on ♪

♪ Can't you see oh woe is me ♪

♪ I got to put my neat-o cheaters on ♪

♪♪

♪ Golly gee no hope for me ♪

♪ When you start to turn those heaters on ♪

♪ Can't you see oh woe is me ♪

♪ I gotta put my neat-o cheaters on ♪

♪ Dig dig dig ♪

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those peepers ♪

♪ Oh those weepers yeah yeah those creepers ♪

♪ Where... ♪

♪ Did you get those... ♪

♪ Eyes ♪♪

They'll never win, Kotter.

It's gonna be Blowfish Bigalow all the way.

Yeah.

Maybe the news'll snap him out of his coma.

[indistinct announcement]

Shh!

Our judges have selected the winner

who will go on to represent the city

at the statewide finals.

And the winner is...

...Three Do's and a Don't.

[cheering]

[shouting]

Go on, get out there, get out there!

[cheering]

Congratulations, Kotter, I knew we could do it.

"We", Mr. Woodman?

Well, of course, I haven't forgotten

your part in it.

You should be out there taking bows, too.

You really think I should go out there?

I'll take care of it.

[applause stops]

Looky here, I don't care what the first offer is,

we say no.

Well, all I know is I want to change my name.

Elton Horshack.

I've got a better one than that.

How about Arnold blood, sweat, and tears?

You know what I want?

I want one of them snakes like Alice Cooper got.

You can keep the snakes, I'll take his groupies.

Hey, guys, it's onto the state finals.

I'm really happy you won.

I gotta go home, I got a babysitter

that charges by the diaper.

Did you really think we was good?

Oh, look at this, look at this

the heartbreak starts already.

Hi, I'm Cassy, I'm the winner from upstate.

Oh, I bet you're winning downstate too.

I know that we'll be competing

against each other in the finals

but I just wanted to come backstage

and wish you guys luck anyway.

- Thank you! - Alright, thanks a lot!

Hey, listen, you better kiss me real quick

'cause there's gonna be a big line forming in back of you.

Kiss you? We're barely at the handshaking stage.

Whoa, oh, Vincent.

A handshake instead of a kiss.

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Just give me a big wet one in between my petals.

Vinnie, I am not interested in your petals.

As a matter of fact

I don't even want to shake your hand anymore.

Hey, guys, she likes to get right into the heavy stuff.

Heavy stuff?

Man, I have never met anyone like you

in my entire life.

Oh, well, thank you, people tell me that all the time.

And I never want to.

Hey, Vinnie, my man, I know you ain't never heard

one like that before, did you, right?

Hey, you guys, come here.

Why don't you take your friend here

and put him in front of a mirror

and watch him wear out his petals.

[laughing]

I cannot believe what I have just witnessed.

A little bee who has tasted Vincent Barbarino's honey...

...and gagged.

[laughing]

That was nothing.

You don't gotta tell us it was nothin'.

We was standin' right here.

Hey, wait a minute.

You, you can't do that.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Nobody puts Vinnie Barbarino down.

Well, now someone has.

What's the matter with you anyway?

You know, Vinnie, you just seem to treat girls

like they're things, you know, like they're just objects

that are automatically gonna fall down

and kiss your feet.

You been talkin' to Delores?

Forget her, she's got no class.

She's got no class?

Then who are you, the Duke of Windsor?

Oh, I see you like the gentleman type

the kind that'll kiss your hands hello

and give you flowers, right?

Ow.

You had something in your eye I had to get it.

Yeah, your finger.

That is not how a gentleman acts.

You're telling me that I do not know how a gentleman acts?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you.

Well, then why don't you just show me how a gentleman acts?

Alright, I will. Come here.

Come over here and sit down.

Maybe you can teach me somethin'.

Yeah.

Ready?

Okay.

Hi, I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

This is ridiculous.

I want to thank you for coming backstage

and congratulating me.

Well, Vinnie, you were so good, I had to.

Do you know something, Cassy?

You are very pretty.

There's something so warm and feminine about you.

Oh, thank you.

My mama, she always told me to be feminine.

Well, if she could see you now

she'd be very proud of her lovely daughter.

Oh, Vincent, let's stop this craziness.

Vinnie, why don't you just stop the phoniness

and ask me out for a date?

- Ask you out? - Yeah.

You wanna go out with a guy like me?

Well, you're such a gentleman.

And I am, I'm such a lady.

What do you say, Cassy?

You wanna see Brooklyn?

I could be your guide.

Well... why not?

I've never been out with anyone like me before.

Yeah, me either.

Oh, Vincent, Vincent, wait

I forgot my purse.

Here's your change, Mr. Gabe, teach.

Thanks, professor.

I had a wonderful evening, honey.

Thanks.

You mean it's over?

You're not gonna invite me back to your place.

Only if you promise not to wake my babies.

Babies? You have babies?

You probably have a husband, too, huh?

Honey, what's with you and Melody Mishkin?

Who's Melody Mishkin?

And after what you did to that poor girl.

What did I do?

It says right here, "July 5,1962."

Graffiti doesn't lie.

Julie, you cannot believe everything you read

on the top of a table.

Come on, let's go.

Bye, Lou, see ya!

- See ya later, teach! - Bye, Lou.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Uh-oh. - Hey, the Kotters!

How you doin', vin?

- Sorry. - It's okay, Vinnie.

The gentleman in you isn't very old.

- Hi, Cassy, how are you doing? - Hi, how are you?

I'd like you to meet my wife. Julie, this is Cassy.

- Hi, Cassy. - Hi.

So, you been having fun with Vinnie?

Oh yeah, we're having a lot of fun.

I took her to all the hip places in Brooklyn.

Yeah, we went to the Fulton Fish Market

and he took me to the barbershop

where "Clams" Cassini got bumped off.

I let her sit in the chair and everything.

You know, when "Clams" went into that barbershop

and said, "Take a little bit off the top"

he didn't know what he was in for.

Joke.

So, you been rehearsing all weekend?

Oh yeah, it's been great, huh?

We've been rehearsin' a lot.

Good, we've got some stiff competition.

You know, there's a guy from Syracuse

that pulls hats out of a rabbit.

We better go, we've gotta be in by 11.

My father is very strict.

You livin' with your father now?

Joke. Vinnie, joke.

See you around.

Bye, nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, Cassy.

I didn't order this.

Those Kotters are nice people, you know.

Yeah.

They always ask me for advice and stuff.

Vinnie, um, why did you tell 'em you've been rehearsing?

You've been with me all weekend.

Well, listen, sweetheart

the reason I did that was because, you see

he don't understand when someone digs someone else, you dig?

I mean, he's married.

I'd ask you what's on your mind

but since you haven't got one...

What's on your stomach's mind?

You're embarrassing me in front of this lady here.

Just give me the usual.

Separate checks?

What'll you have?

I think I'll have a banana split please.

Alright, make it two banana splits

with the pistachio and the lemon ice cream

and a strawberry.

You're out with a baboon.

He knows I only got chocolate and vanilla.

[snapping]

Cassy, don't pay no attention to them

they're babies, they're just babies.

Vinnie.

You're still trying to hold my hand?

No, I think it's time that we went beyond that stage.

Ooh.

Well, I don't know if I can do that

you see, I'm a gentleman and you're a lady.

And this is a public place.

Well, why don't you just pretend that you're Vinnie Barbarino

and give me a great big, wet one

right between the petals?

Hello.

You are... you are disgusting.

I just came by to inform you that some of your friends

are sitting over in the next booth.

Bye.

Well, next time, have the maître d'

bring me a note.

Go on, go on and sit with your friends.

Alright.

You know, you're knuckleheads, all of ya

can't you see I'm entertaining a lovely young lady?

Oh, yeah? Where?

On the roof or behind the billboards?

This ain't like that, Epstein, so you better watch it.

We don't care what it's like, I don't care what it's like

alright?

Only thing I know is that since you met that chick

you ain't been to rehearsals once, man.

Now the finals, they're this Friday,

and we want to win, it's important to us.

Well, I want to win, too.

Yeah, well, to be brutally frank, Vincent

you sure don't act like it.

Yeah, yeah, and you can bet that your girlfriend over there

she wants to win more than anything in the world.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, that's right, I guess she probably does want to win, huh?

You better believe it.

I forgot. I forgot, guys.

I forgot that she was even in the contest.

No, no, no, no, you forgot that you was in the contest.

Yeah.

I can't do it, guys.

You can't do what, Vincent?

I can't be in the contest.

What?

How can I compete against Cassy?

Oh, man.

Oh, wow.

Shoo.

Oh, wait... come on, Epstein

you understand these men-women love story things.

I'll catch you later, Vinnie.

Oh, come on, Horshack, come on, buddy.

Vinnie, I got caught in the middle once too often.

You make your own decision.

Her or us.

[Gabe narrating] Has true love finally come to Vinnie Barbarino?

Will the Three Do's and a Don't

become the Three Do's and a No-show?

Has this face taken the place of these faces?

Why does this girl keep turning Vinnie's head?

Why does this man's food keep turning everyone's stomach?

Is this the girl who comes between

the Sweathogs and Vinnie?

For the answers to this two part question

see part two of "Welcome Back, Kotter..."

I don't have a question for these two

but I thought they were so cute you'd like to see them.

Rachel, did I ever tell you the story

about the father who was about to put his son to sleep?

Listen to this, Rachel, it's good.

The son says, "Daddy, is it true

that the stork brings us babies?"

The father says, "Yes."

He says, "Daddy, is it true that Santa Claus

brings us Christmas presents?"

He says, "Yes."

He says, "Daddy, is it true that the Lord

gives us our daily bread?"

and the father says, "Yes."

So then the son says, "Daddy, what do we need you for?"

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ Then what could ever lead ya ♪♪