Original subtitles

Julie, one time, my Uncle Edmond

he's on a plane, right?

He sits down and next to him on the aisle is this big guy

about six foot, seven, the big guy sits down there

and goes right to sleep.

[snoring]

So, my Uncle Edmond, right, he's having lunch.

He's got his tray table up there and he's having lunch

and the big guy's next to him...

[snoring]

And all of a sudden, some turbulence happens

and the whole tray table falls on the big guy.

Yeah?

'Bout five minutes later, the big guy wakes up

sees all this, he says, "what happened?"

My Uncle Edmond says, "Mister, you feel better now?"

[laughing] Oh!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[knocking]

Coming!

♪ Hello hello hello hello ♪♪

- Hello. - Hello.

Are you the lady who ordered the totem pole?

- Come on in, guys. - How you doin', Mrs. Kotter?

Look, we just came by to see if Mr. Kotter

was gonna come to school or not tomorrow.

Yeah, you know, 'cause like if he isn't

we better untie the substitute.

Oh, guys, you shouldn't of done that.

You know somethin', you're right.

We should've tied up Woodman.

He's been actin' very weird lately, even for Woodman.

Well, look, Gabe's gonna be back on Sunday.

He called, his father's appendectomy went fine.

He's already complaining about the scrambled eggs and Jell-O.

Ah, well, you see, there's a reason why hospitals

only serve soft food.

So that when you throw it out the window

it don't hurt nobody.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, how come they took out his appendix.

I mean couldn't they just put a cast on it?

Hey, what-what is there here you're eatin'?

This lettuce and carrots and cottage cheese

that's rabbit food.

Well, when Gabe's away, I don't cook much.

See that, she don't know how to take care of herself.

That food is terrible, I'm gonna go out

and get you and the babies an anchovy pizza.

[Julie] Um...

Vinnie, babies don't eat anchovy pizzas.

Well, how 'bout a mushroom one?

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, better than that

you get the babies a half pepperoni

half pabulum, no problem.

See you later, Mrs. Kotter, we'll be back.

Okay.

Mrs. Kotter's got a male visitor, the weirdo.

Wo-wo-a-a-h!

Hi, Mr. Woodman, come on in.

Julie, there's a little cottage cheese on your upper lip.

Mr. Woodman, how sweet, did you come all the way across town

just to tell me that?

No, no, how did I know you'd be eating cottage cheese?

- Can I come in? - Sure, make yourself at home.

Julie, I'm sitting on a time bomb.

Sit on the couch, it's more comfortable.

I've written a novel.

It's a behind-the-scenes account of the day-to-day struggles

of a great administrator.

"The swamp rats of Savannah?"

Says it all, doesn't it?

It takes place during the Civil War at Applegate Hall

finest private boys school in the South.

Oh, I see, you wrote about Buchanan.

Shh, if anyone knows I'm doing this sensational expose

they'll try to stop it before it's published.

Now, forget Buchanan

think Applegate.

Anyway, there are these four incorrigible, disgusting lads.

- The Sweathogs. - No, no, the swamp rats.

No relation to the Sweathogs.

No, no, these boys are rich, I mean they're-they're-they're

dripping in money, even though it's Confederate.

Now-now, their teacher is a deserter from the army

who grows a mustache to hide his identity.

You made Gabe a deserter?

It has nothing to do with Gabe, the teacher's name

is Gaylord Teesdale.

He's a yellow-bellied turncoat.

I take it he's not the hero.

Of course not, the hero is the headmaster, Beauregard Ravenna.

I call him the silver-haired fox.

You get it, silver, grey, Confederate?

- It all ties together, you see. - Ah-huh.

Mr. Woodman, do you really think that a book about

a Southern boys school is gonna sell?

You think I care if it sells?

I mean this is art, Julie!

This was a story that was burning inside of me

and had to get out!

Alright, Mr. Woodman, it's out, it's out.

Calm down, okay now, what do you want me to do?

Alright, I'd like you to read it.

I, ah, I need an honest opinion.

Okay, I would be glad to read it.

Do it.

You want me to read it now?

I've gotta get your reaction to Beauregard Ravenna.

You see, he comes in on page four

I may have to bring him in earlier.

Would you read it, go ahead.

- Okay now, we're page four? - Page four.

Okay.

[clears throat]

"Dawn came over the delta.

"The Amber rays of the morning sun fingered their way

"past the cottonwoods and into the swamp.

There to silence the lament of the loons."

I love loons.

Songbirds of the swamp.

Go ahead, read.

[clears throat]

"The fat frogs threw off their mantle of sleep

and began plop-plopping into the brackish water."

Remember that brackish water, I do a playback

on that at the end.

- Now, you see, Julie Luh... - Julie Luh?

Julie Luh, she's the beautiful, young wife

of the teacher deserter.

Oh, I see, and she runs off with the silver-haired fox?

Oh, no, she tries to but Beauregard Ravenna

is not the kind of person that would run away

with another man's wife.

What a guy, he sends her back to the deserter?

Here, let me read the end.

Look at this, adds the brackish water.

Uh-huh, brackish water.

"Looked, looked at Julie Luh's heels, she etched

"her suicide message into the quicksand

"with a cottonwood branch.

"Beauregard, Beauregard, Beauregard

"I love you, I love you, I love you

goodbye, goodbye, goodbye."

She dies.

Well, we find out in the sequel

that her hoop skirt snags on a jotting root.

- Pizza time! - ...pizza for groovy you.

[Arnold] Oh, you're groovy, guys and gals.

- Groovy. - Alright. Yeah.

- Time for pizza! - It's over there, here.

Julie, did you ever think about getting a couple

Doberman Pinschers for occasions like this?

Oh, Mr. Woodman, are you still here?

Don't you have to bring your pet spider to obedience class?

Now, Horshack, Mr. Woodman just came over to show me his novel.

Oh, yeah, let's see, let's check it out.

Hey!

"Swamp rats of Savannah."

What's in this book, Billy Carter's drinkin' buddies?

Hey, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Hey, hey, listen to this.

"Young master Kloberino..."

Boy, that sounds familiar.

"...was caught in the smoke house

his face smeared with barbequed liverwurst."

Hey, Vinnie, I think he wrote that book about you.

- I did not. - Here, check it out.

Look at this, look, look, look.

All of us is inside this book, look.

There's Warpstein.

Then it got Thorshack.

It got Baltimore.

Baltimore?

That's close to Washington.

Alright, so it is based loosely on you.

Yeah, but that don't give you the right to smear

liverwurst all over my face.

I'm a writer, I write like I see it.

Yeah, but, um, Mr. Woodman, you got us here

challengin' the church choir to a rumble.

I mean we don't do stuff like that.

- I mean we never hurt nobody. - Oh, yeah?

Read chapter six, where the swamp rats set fire

to every cotton field in the county.

For three months, Robert E. Lee

and his men couldn't find q-tips.

[maniacal laugh]

If they wanted cotton, all they had to do

was open their Aspirin bottles.

Guys, just look at the bright side

at least he didn't blame the Civil War on you.

Ho-ho-ho, yes he do, check it out, right here.

Right here, in chapter eight, it says we fired on Fort Sumter.

We can't let him do that to us.

We won't, gentlemen, Woodman wants war, then war it is.

- Right! - Right.

[indistinct chatter]

Now, guys, what are you gonna do, come on?

Guys?

Guys?

Oh, come on, guys, the Civil War is over.

Your regiment needs you.

Guys?

[theme music]

- Woodman can't write! - Right on!

- Woodman can't write! - Can you hear me?

- Woodman can't write! - Cornbread!

- Woodman can't write! - Peas and rice.

Alright, guys. Alright, knock it off!

Throw your signs in the shredders.

Demonstration's over.

Well, Beauregard Ravenna.

Did you drop by to count your slaves?

After what you did to the substitute, I'm taking over?

Oh, what'd we do that was so bad?

Yesterday afternoon, in the cafeteria

strapping trays to his feet.

And making him stamp the lumps out of the mashed potatoes.

Yeah, all that work for nothin'.

Turned out the lumps was in the gravy.

How'd you like our little protest, here?

- Yeah. - I loved it.

We authors thrive on controversy.

It's good for sales.

Well, let me tell you somethin', Mr. Woodman

the whole school is behind us.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I mean everywhere you go, you're gonna be badgered.

- That's right. - You're gonna be browbeaten.

And you're gonna be badmouthed, yes.

Mr. Woodman, if you publish that book

you are gonna have angry picketers all around your house

night and day.

So what, it's been going on for years.

I remodeled my kitchen with bricks that

were thrown through my window.

Mr. Woodman, you better not make light of this.

That book of yours is an insult to the Sweathog.

It is a gross distortion of the truth.

Truth?

What is truth?

Vincent, don't start.

It's true, I've been thinkin' about it lately a lot.

I think, "what is the truth?"

Right, I went out, I went out with Deloris

to the drive-in, right.

And I said to her, I said, um...

I said, "Deloris, what is the truth?"

And she said, "Vinnie, go get me some French fries."

I said, "Okay, but answer me one thing, what is the truth?"

She said, "Never mind, I'll go get the French fries."

You know what, I think maybe I'm too deep for her.

You know, Barbarino, I've met cabbage deeper than you.

[all] Ooh!

Where does that man go at night?

You wanna know the truth, read "Swamp rats of Savannah."

It's filled with the profound understanding

of human nature.

Oh, profound understanding, I see.

Like in that scene at the officer's ball.

A perfectly happy, married woman falls in love

with a complete stranger

and then, in front of a crowd of 300 guests

she drops to her knees, and she licks his boots.

And all this after only having one minuet.

So, Beauregard's a great dancer.

The secret's in the dip.

That-that Bogard, that Bogard story is so stupid.

I mean, remember that part when he asks, he says

"Hey, Julie Luh, would you have this minuet with me?"

How do I know you're not a Yankee spy?

But madam...

...I am a Southern gentleman.

You can tell by the way I tore off the union labels

from my clothes.

Come and dance.

[imitating instrumental music]

My, my, you do dance divine, there.

Oh, I bet you say that to everybody.

No, no, just the men.

Why, Beauregard, I do believe they are starin'.

The reason that they're starin' is because they never seen

such beauty.

You flatter me.

I was talkin' about myself.

[cheering]

[indistinct]

- Oh! Oh, yeah! - Yeah!

[imitating instrumental music]

Oh, Beauregard, Beauregard, you have stolen my heart.

Could you run away with the wife of a Yankee deserter

with a mustache?

Oh, no, 'cause I hate women with mustaches.

Then, I do believe I'll go throw myself in the swamp.

Don't wait up for me.

[clapping]

If that was for my benefit, it was disgusting.

Good, so is your book.

[all laughing]

Well, I'm not changing a word, it's pure gold!

Gentlemen, the time has come

to put down our swords, and pick up our pens!

[Freedie] Right on, yeah, alright!

- We have no choice. - Ah-huh.

- We must fight ink with ink! - Yeah!

- Woodman can't write! Write! - Woodman can't write!

- Woodman can't write! - Write!

- Woodman can't write! - Hallelujah!

- Woodman can't write! - Write!

- Woodman can't write! - Write!

Yeah, honey, I miss you, too.

Uh-huh, the girls are behaving.

No, they can't come to the phone

they're busy setting their hair.

I'm glad your father's okay.

Yeah, I love you, too, I'll see you Sunday, bye-bye.

[knocking]

Shh!

Alright, what's going on?

Mrs. Kotter, we're sitting on a time bomb.

This is the second bomb scare we've had here this week.

- We're written a novel. - Yeah.

What do I look like, Random House?

Come on, you gotta check it out, look at it, it's incredible.

Sensational expose, the school newspaper is gonna print

the first chapter on Friday.

Ugh, I hope it's not another Civil War epic.

Oh, no, no, no. It's called...

[imitating trumpeting]

"The Space Hogs...

...of Buchania."

Okay.

Oh, "Dawn came over the galaxy.

The Amber rays of the morning cosmos

silenced the lament of the space loons."

Ho-how do you like it so far?

Let me put it to you this way

if you guys have a Julie Luh doing the backstroke

through brackish waters, I've read it.

That's impossible, we just wrote it.

Now, wait till you get to the ending here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the ending, that's the best part

you see, that's when the Space Hogs

do battle with the evil vice tyrant...

...Woodnose.

Demento.

[beeping]

One day, news of Demento's evil

reaches the antennae of the mighty Space Hog!

Yeah, there was four of 'em.

There was four of 'em.

They were brave.

They were handsome.

They were powerful.

Yeah. And they were lacking in high school diplomas.

You get it, lacking in diplomas?

[beeping]

Into the vice tyrant's lounge

the mighty Space Hogs burst.

[beeping]

Burst.

[indistinct] Space Hogs.

Your corking days are over!

Shouted the Space Hogs as they zapped him

with their sweat gun.

Zap!

[beeping]

[groaning]

I'm melting.

I'm melting on my beautiful, evil mat.

- You killed him. - Yes!

[indistinct]

What?

I can't, what, what, what?

All that was left was a pile of grey-haired yogurt.

[Freddie] Until...

...until chapter two, when he returned

as a bowl of rice pudding.

What did you think, Mrs. Kotter, it was too deep, huh?

It was-it was too real... ...reality, right?

You had me until the rice pudding.

Oh, I knew, I knew we should've made it tapioca.

[Freedie] We should listen to you.

I'll get it.

[screaming]

It's the dreaded Demento!

Get out of the way. Come on in, Mr. Woodman.

Julie, have you read this trash, this slander?

Mr. Woodman, I am not taking any more submissions this week.

How dare you call me Demento?

This is all lies.

I never took a meteorite shower with an android.

But Mr. Woodman, now we ain't never burned no cotton fields

and we ain't never fired on Fort Sumter.

But you got my hijacking all the gravity in the universe

and holding it for ransom.

Well, you have us challenging the church choir

to a rumble...

...and losing.

Okay, okay, this has really gone far enough now, okay.

You know something, guys

this reminds me of a joke that Gabe once told to me.

No, this is a real funny joke, you're gonna love this.

There are these two guys and they were bragging

about this fishing that they did

and the one guy says to the other guy

"I caught a goldfish that was 400 pounds."

And the other guy says, "I caught a lantern

dated 1492 and the light was still burning."

So, the one guy says to the other

"I tell you what, I'll knock off a hundred pounds

if you blow out the light."

It has a point.

Well, maybe I did exaggerate a little.

Maybe you wouldn't burn every cotton field in the county.

Mr. Woodman just knocked off his hundred pounds, now come on.

Alright, so maybe you're not the kind of guy

that would take a shower with an android.

Well, why don't you show the man a little

good faith there, Freddie?

Okay, Mr. Woodman, you got it.

Well...

This is three years hard work

I mean, how can I just tear it up?

Mr. Woodman, you don't have to tear it up.

Just re-write it a little.

Yeah, just talk about our other side.

How we're kind and generous

and how we always help an underprivileged wino

crawl across the street.

But I never see that side.

- Give us a chance to show you. - Yeah.

- Alright, sit down over here. - Yeah, come on.

Come on, Mr. Woodman.

Now, do you remember, do you remember the part

when the character of Kloberino

when he gets the liverwurst on his face, remember that?

Of course, it's a literary delight.

No, I think it should be pizza in the face.

- What are you talkin' about? - Now, get your pen...

They wouldn't serve pizza at Applegate Hall.

Well, it's a start.

Hey, listen, Mr. Woodman, I need a look on this page.

I think we need more Warpstein lines.

Right there.

[indistinct chatter]

You know, when you were away, honey, Robin demanded

a crib with a better view.

I knew we should've rented the penthouse suite.

I'm glad everything's okay with your dad.

Oh, yeah, my mother was kind of worried for a second.

She kept saying, "Gabe, I don't know what I'll do

without your father, I mean I couldn't live

without your father

unless, of course, it was in the South of France."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome... ♪♪