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1
00:00:01,994 --> 00:00:03,300
Mr. Woodman, did I ever
tell you about my uncle
2
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:06,101
that thought he was
a steam radiator?
3
00:00:06,184 --> 00:00:08,306
Well, nobody's perfect.
4
00:00:08,548 --> 00:00:11,510
No, my aunt took him
to see a psychiatrist anyway.
5
00:00:11,593 --> 00:00:13,072
Now, what did she want
the psychiatrist to do
6
00:00:13,155 --> 00:00:15,916
convince him he wasn't
a radiator?
7
00:00:15,999 --> 00:00:18,368
No, just get him
to stop hissing.
8
00:00:19,685 --> 00:00:23,474
After hearing that joke,
I know how your uncle felt.
9
00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:26,228
[hissing]
10
00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:31,322
[theme song]
11
00:00:36,393 --> 00:00:39,095
♪ Welcome back ♪
12
00:00:39,178 --> 00:00:42,707
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
13
00:00:42,790 --> 00:00:45,188
♪ Welcome back ♪
14
00:00:45,271 --> 00:00:49,801
♪ To that same old
place that you laughed about ♪
15
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:54,284
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
16
00:00:54,367 --> 00:00:58,687
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
17
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:01,167
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
18
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:02,779
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
19
00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:04,736
♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪
20
00:01:04,819 --> 00:01:07,173
♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪
21
00:01:07,256 --> 00:01:11,221
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
22
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:13,484
♪ Welcome back ♪
23
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:18,419
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪
24
00:01:28,190 --> 00:01:29,953
[bell ringing]
25
00:01:32,238 --> 00:01:35,215
Alright,
you young loudies
26
00:01:35,298 --> 00:01:38,480
take your seats and clam up.
27
00:01:38,878 --> 00:01:42,742
Uh, Mr. Horshack,
who put you in charge?
28
00:01:42,825 --> 00:01:49,168
It just so happens, that during
Mr. Kotter's absenteeism
29
00:01:49,251 --> 00:01:51,971
I have jun-iority.
30
00:01:53,135 --> 00:01:54,934
Yeah, well where is Kotter
anyway, he's gonna miss
31
00:01:55,017 --> 00:01:56,295
my big surprise.
32
00:01:56,378 --> 00:01:58,557
I don't know, you know what,
maybe he took his kids
33
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,499
to the baby doctor.
34
00:02:00,582 --> 00:02:03,910
That's stupid,
babies can't be doctors.
35
00:02:05,922 --> 00:02:07,365
What would they put
on the prescription?
36
00:02:07,405 --> 00:02:09,106
"Goo-goo?"
37
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,557
Good morning.
38
00:02:24,322 --> 00:02:25,803
Good afternoon.
39
00:02:26,745 --> 00:02:28,747
Look, I'm sorry I'm late.
40
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:31,507
You're sorry your late?
41
00:02:31,590 --> 00:02:34,951
You're sorry for depriving
these eager, young minds
42
00:02:35,034 --> 00:02:38,294
of their much needed education?
43
00:02:38,377 --> 00:02:40,477
You are sorry?
44
00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:44,242
Horshack, you wanna be
a teacher
45
00:02:44,325 --> 00:02:46,124
you gotta wear a tie,
you gotta keep tums
46
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,887
in your pocket at all times,
and you gotta practice
47
00:02:48,970 --> 00:02:52,613
being ignored,
take a seat.
48
00:02:54,594 --> 00:02:56,077
Did you hear me?
49
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,357
No, I'm ignoring you.
50
00:03:00,196 --> 00:03:02,342
- You take a seat!
- Alright.
51
00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,205
The reason I'm late, guys,
is because I went
52
00:03:06,288 --> 00:03:07,507
to see apartments again.
53
00:03:07,590 --> 00:03:10,034
Apartment hunting all week,
can't find anything.
54
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:14,716
Well, say no more,
Juan Epstein is here.
55
00:03:14,799 --> 00:03:16,902
You say you're lookin'
for an apartment?
56
00:03:16,985 --> 00:03:18,808
You say you can't
find one?
57
00:03:18,808 --> 00:03:20,428
You say you looked
in Brooklyn, Queens
58
00:03:20,511 --> 00:03:22,233
and parts of StatenIsland?
59
00:03:22,252 --> 00:03:25,198
Let me tell you what
I'm gonna do.
60
00:03:25,198 --> 00:03:29,427
What are you gonna do,
sell me a Veg-O-Matic?
61
00:03:29,427 --> 00:03:32,217
Close, but no cigar.
62
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,304
I have, here in my hand,
the answer
63
00:03:33,304 --> 00:03:35,062
to all your problems.
64
00:03:35,145 --> 00:03:40,953
It's a lease to a two-bedroom
apartment, at 1962 Linden Blvd.
65
00:03:42,608 --> 00:03:43,957
What's the matter, Epstein,
your mother stopped
66
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,142
writing notes and started
writing leases?
67
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,248
No, my uncle did.
68
00:03:51,183 --> 00:03:53,166
Wait a second,
this is a real lease.
69
00:03:53,249 --> 00:03:56,273
Of course it's a real lease,
I got connections.
70
00:03:56,353 --> 00:03:59,247
My uncle, he runs
a chain of slums.
71
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:05,842
Yeah, but Linden Blvd.
is a very nice neighborhood.
72
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:08,088
Yeah, well, you know
the way Uncle Mo figured it out
73
00:04:08,088 --> 00:04:10,045
he had to branch off.
74
00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:12,975
Why just steal
from the poor
75
00:04:13,058 --> 00:04:15,359
when you can
rip off everybody?
76
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:18,104
Epstein, I don't know if this
is a put-on or not
77
00:04:18,187 --> 00:04:20,512
but at this point,
I'll grab at anything.
78
00:04:20,512 --> 00:04:23,832
Now, what are you grabbing
at now, Kotter?
79
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,919
Epstein may or may not
have found me an apartment.
80
00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:29,984
Well, it's my
Uncle Mo's building.
81
00:04:30,068 --> 00:04:32,750
Why would you wanna move
to Puerto Rico?
82
00:04:37,260 --> 00:04:39,262
That's the wrong side
of the family.
83
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:41,784
My Uncle Mo, he runs
a slick operation.
84
00:04:41,868 --> 00:04:43,748
He's teachin' me the ropes.
85
00:04:43,831 --> 00:04:44,909
Ropes?
86
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,629
What's the matter,
the building has no elevators?
87
00:04:49,178 --> 00:04:51,039
Look, kid around if you will,
Mr. Woodman
88
00:04:51,122 --> 00:04:53,561
but this looks legitimate.
89
00:04:53,645 --> 00:04:54,864
When can I see it, Juan?
90
00:04:54,947 --> 00:04:56,486
Anytime you want.
91
00:04:56,569 --> 00:04:59,680
Better make it fast,
before it gets condemned.
92
00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:06,190
There is only one thing
that can make a man that crabby
93
00:05:06,274 --> 00:05:08,864
he buys his underwear
too small.
94
00:05:10,779 --> 00:05:12,402
Hey, you guys
would be weird, too
95
00:05:12,402 --> 00:05:14,510
if you were raised by lizards.
96
00:05:17,428 --> 00:05:19,409
Was he really?
97
00:05:21,795 --> 00:05:23,255
Joke,Barbarino, joke.
98
00:05:23,797 --> 00:05:26,277
Oh, joke, a joke.
99
00:05:26,361 --> 00:05:27,780
Julie, this has all gone
so smoothly
100
00:05:27,863 --> 00:05:28,904
it's makin' me nervous.
101
00:05:28,904 --> 00:05:32,707
Honey, relax, we saw the new
apartment, it's wonderful.
102
00:05:33,694 --> 00:05:35,260
Okay, truck's loaded up.
103
00:05:35,344 --> 00:05:37,784
The only thing left to go
is the babies.
104
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:40,237
Arnold, could you get us
a carton?
105
00:05:40,909 --> 00:05:42,972
Wait a minute, wait a minute
now, don't be stupid.
106
00:05:43,056 --> 00:05:46,040
You don't pack babies
in cartons, Epstein.
107
00:05:47,642 --> 00:05:50,546
You strap 'em to the roof
of the truck.
108
00:05:51,689 --> 00:05:54,651
Yeah, otherwise they might
get chipped.
109
00:05:56,073 --> 00:06:00,039
Uh, okay, Santini Brothers,
listen, you handle the hardware
110
00:06:00,122 --> 00:06:02,581
we'll take care
of the livestock.
111
00:06:04,202 --> 00:06:07,287
Hey, Mrs. Kotter, I think, I
think your refrigerator's sick,
112
00:06:07,370 --> 00:06:10,291
it looks all hot
and sweaty.
113
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:11,734
Yeah, well, that's what
generally happens
114
00:06:11,817 --> 00:06:13,256
when you pull
the plug out.
115
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:14,599
What are you gonna do
with this root beer?
116
00:06:14,599 --> 00:06:16,969
You're gonna leave it
here to die?
117
00:06:18,366 --> 00:06:21,666
Well, old pal, I know that
over the years, you know
118
00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:24,426
I took more than I gave...
119
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,352
...but you tempted me,
you know that?
120
00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:28,476
You tempted me with
your liverwurst
121
00:06:28,559 --> 00:06:32,124
and your Danish,
and your anchovies
122
00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:37,210
so stay... stay full and keep
a cool upper chest.
123
00:06:38,594 --> 00:06:42,756
That was very touching, Vinnie,
very touching.
124
00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,403
Now, we would like a moment
alone with the stove.
125
00:06:48,248 --> 00:06:49,647
Yeah, I mean you guys aren't
the only ones
126
00:06:49,730 --> 00:06:52,492
that have to confront
a beloved appliance.
127
00:06:52,941 --> 00:06:53,941
Arnold, would you take this?
128
00:06:54,025 --> 00:06:57,588
You know, Mr. Kotter,
I'm kind of glad you're moving
129
00:06:57,671 --> 00:06:59,915
because we're all too old
to be climbing
130
00:06:59,915 --> 00:07:01,250
in and out of windows.
131
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,277
- See you in a while.
- Bye.
132
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,326
Hey, guys, hey, y'all,
come here for a second.
133
00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:08,740
Guys, hey, um...
134
00:07:12,345 --> 00:07:15,435
One more time
for old time's sake.
135
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,715
[all] Mm-hmm.
136
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:22,807
[indistinct singing]
137
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:38,866
Well, honey,
take a good look around.
138
00:07:38,949 --> 00:07:41,510
Goodbye to our first apartment.
139
00:07:41,593 --> 00:07:43,053
Yeah.
140
00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:45,695
Hey, Julie, what do you say
we leave the way
141
00:07:45,778 --> 00:07:47,361
we first came in?
142
00:07:47,381 --> 00:07:49,492
You mean in debt
and unemployed?
143
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:52,687
I mean like this.
144
00:07:52,770 --> 00:07:55,571
Oh, honey,
you're so romantic.
145
00:07:55,655 --> 00:07:57,275
I know.
146
00:07:58,254 --> 00:08:01,104
[indistinct singing]
147
00:08:03,646 --> 00:08:05,822
[Julie] Gabe, how could you?
148
00:08:05,905 --> 00:08:07,567
How could you forget?
149
00:08:07,650 --> 00:08:09,009
[Gabe] Well, you forgot, too.
150
00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:11,307
[Julie] You forgot first.
151
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,412
[Gabe] No, you did.
152
00:08:12,495 --> 00:08:16,869
No, you did, how could you
forget the babies?
153
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,023
Alright, I'll take
the express aisle.
154
00:08:22,106 --> 00:08:24,587
- I got one baby or less.
- Okay.
155
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,047
♪♪
156
00:08:34,185 --> 00:08:38,472
Oh, oh, honey, it's even nicer
than I remember it.
157
00:08:38,554 --> 00:08:40,735
Yes, and I love the way
it's decorated
158
00:08:40,818 --> 00:08:42,278
early sweathog.
159
00:08:42,682 --> 00:08:44,061
It's gonna be great
to have enough room
160
00:08:44,144 --> 00:08:45,827
for all four of us, honey.
161
00:08:45,827 --> 00:08:47,690
I think we should've kept
our old apartment though
162
00:08:47,690 --> 00:08:50,208
you know, use it as
a summer home.
163
00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,635
Come on, let's show the girls
to their nursery.
164
00:08:52,718 --> 00:08:55,602
Hey, Rachie baby,
you wanna see your new digs?
165
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:58,064
Come on, you wanna
help us unpack?
166
00:08:59,412 --> 00:09:00,312
- Come on.
- Let's go.
167
00:09:00,395 --> 00:09:03,276
I think Robin wants
the crib by the phone.
168
00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:06,100
Oh, yeah, well, I'm sick
of Robin's demands.
169
00:09:08,942 --> 00:09:12,528
A right, stroke, stroke
170
00:09:12,611 --> 00:09:14,071
stroke, stroke.
171
00:09:14,992 --> 00:09:19,054
Come on, Horshack, put some
muscle into this couch.
172
00:09:19,136 --> 00:09:23,079
Why, it's already stronger
than I am?
173
00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:27,516
Alright, then let's let
biceps be biceps.
174
00:09:27,599 --> 00:09:29,822
I'd like to congratulate
everybody on a job well done.
175
00:09:29,905 --> 00:09:33,108
All furniture presently
accounted for, sir.
176
00:09:33,191 --> 00:09:35,351
Anyway, except for that runaway
bookcase that hit
177
00:09:35,434 --> 00:09:38,078
that bump on ocean parkway.
178
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,421
You know what I think, I think
that we moved the furniture
179
00:09:41,504 --> 00:09:44,967
and we worked very hard,
I think it's Miller time.
180
00:09:50,017 --> 00:09:53,640
Well, we got the time,
who's got the beer?
181
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,184
Would you settle
for root beer?
182
00:09:57,250 --> 00:10:00,731
Requesting permission
to sit, sir.
183
00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:03,273
Uh-huh, alright, everybody,
just ease up.
184
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:09,485
Oh, boy.
185
00:10:12,104 --> 00:10:15,027
Listen, you guys worked hard
all day
186
00:10:15,110 --> 00:10:17,088
I guess it's Miller time.
187
00:10:20,736 --> 00:10:22,977
I just did that joke.
188
00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:24,431
Oh.
189
00:10:24,514 --> 00:10:26,574
Hey, Mr. Kotter,
I gotta hurry up downstairs
190
00:10:26,657 --> 00:10:28,836
and get the driver,
he wants to get paid.
191
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,238
What's his hurry?
192
00:10:30,321 --> 00:10:32,957
Well, he's parked in
a no-furniture zone.
193
00:10:33,804 --> 00:10:35,936
Money, money, money,
everybody wants money.
194
00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:38,502
Hey, guys, I gotta
congratulate you.
195
00:10:38,585 --> 00:10:39,585
You didn't break a thing.
196
00:10:39,586 --> 00:10:41,688
Well, I mean, like, uh,
what did you expect?
197
00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:44,592
We left all the broken stuff
on the truck.
198
00:10:45,617 --> 00:10:47,299
Vinnie, there's someone here
I want you to meet.
199
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:48,621
Oh, yeah, who?
200
00:10:48,703 --> 00:10:51,544
Over here, her name is Shirley.
201
00:10:51,627 --> 00:10:56,348
Oh, hello, Shirley,
boy, are you alone?
202
00:10:58,999 --> 00:11:02,457
Yes, well, that's good,
'cause you got a nice face.
203
00:11:05,045 --> 00:11:07,613
But you're empty inside.
204
00:11:07,696 --> 00:11:12,381
Well, Vinnie, give her a chance
to get turned on.
205
00:11:15,569 --> 00:11:17,153
Well, Rachel loves
the new nursery.
206
00:11:17,236 --> 00:11:18,456
Oh, that's terrific.
207
00:11:18,539 --> 00:11:20,843
But Robin's complaining
about the wallpaper.
208
00:11:20,884 --> 00:11:23,473
She says it clashes
with her diapers.
209
00:11:25,011 --> 00:11:27,381
I didn't when we
put them on.
210
00:11:29,041 --> 00:11:32,144
I got the driver.
This way, Mac.
211
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:38,585
Alright, Kotter,
how you wanna pay me?
212
00:11:38,668 --> 00:11:40,432
By mile or by the hour?
213
00:11:40,515 --> 00:11:42,731
Well, which is cheaper?
214
00:11:42,814 --> 00:11:44,934
Well, for anybody else,
it would be forty bucks.
215
00:11:45,017 --> 00:11:47,320
For you, it's on the house.
216
00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:49,904
Thank you, Mr. Woodman,
that's nice of you.
217
00:11:49,904 --> 00:11:51,364
Listen...
218
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:55,209
It's a hard trip,
got stopped by a cop
219
00:11:55,292 --> 00:11:57,928
I sold an end table and a lamp.
220
00:11:59,149 --> 00:12:01,718
I need those
for my living room!
221
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:04,022
That's what the cop said.
222
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:07,993
I could really use
that forty bucks.
223
00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:10,752
The price of Poligrip
goes up every day.
224
00:12:12,683 --> 00:12:15,904
Uh, you low-lifes want a ride
back with me?
225
00:12:15,987 --> 00:12:19,348
Yeah, yeah, let's go,
osteo lumbago,baby.
226
00:12:19,431 --> 00:12:21,031
Via con dios.
227
00:12:21,114 --> 00:12:23,214
Chili con carne.
228
00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:29,322
[baby crying]
229
00:12:29,405 --> 00:12:31,322
I'll get it.
230
00:12:31,405 --> 00:12:34,709
Phones you get,
babies you take care of.
231
00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:36,729
I'll be right back.
232
00:12:39,813 --> 00:12:42,685
Well, I don't wanna be one
to squeeze my own accordion
233
00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:46,410
but did I do good
or did I do good?
234
00:12:46,410 --> 00:12:49,628
Well, Juan, given those choices,
you did good.
235
00:12:49,711 --> 00:12:53,014
Yeah, well, you got a real
sweet deal here, Mr. Kotter.
236
00:12:53,097 --> 00:12:54,816
I just hope you remember it
the next time
237
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,660
you grade my tests,
you know what I mean?
238
00:12:57,660 --> 00:13:02,062
You see, a "D" can become a "B"
very easily.
239
00:13:02,145 --> 00:13:03,763
All you gotta do is just put
a line right down
240
00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,366
the middle of it.
241
00:13:05,449 --> 00:13:06,849
What do you need me for,
you been doin'
242
00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:08,985
that yourself for two years?
243
00:13:09,068 --> 00:13:10,771
Yeah, but if you get caught
doin' it
244
00:13:10,853 --> 00:13:12,837
I don't get in any trouble.
245
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,062
[knocking on door]
246
00:13:14,145 --> 00:13:16,706
I'll get it, maybe it's
the old refrigerator
247
00:13:16,789 --> 00:13:18,889
looking for Vinnie.
248
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:23,526
Come in.
249
00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:25,387
I'm Mo Epstein,
your landlord.
250
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:27,976
Well, well, well,
what do you know, Uncle Mo?
251
00:13:27,996 --> 00:13:29,935
Epstein the young guy,
how ya doin'?
252
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,022
Mr. Epstein, nice to meet ya,
listen, I can't tell you
253
00:13:32,105 --> 00:13:33,708
how much I appreciate
this apartment.
254
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,182
Nah, don't mention it.
255
00:13:35,192 --> 00:13:37,815
Juan, here, told me
all about you.
256
00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:41,303
Yeah. You're the famous
Mr. Kotter.
257
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:46,084
A man who molds young minds.
258
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,367
Once in a while, of course,
a mind is moldy
259
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:51,234
before it gets to you...
260
00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:53,056
...but such is the life
of a teacher.
261
00:13:53,076 --> 00:13:55,454
So, I hear you have
a beautiful wife.
262
00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:58,322
Yeah, well, I'm a lucky man.
263
00:13:58,405 --> 00:13:59,865
Ah.
264
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:02,567
Hi.
265
00:14:02,969 --> 00:14:04,751
What is that?
266
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:06,531
That's my beautiful wife.
267
00:14:06,614 --> 00:14:09,935
No, no, no, I mean the thing
at the end of her arm there.
268
00:14:10,018 --> 00:14:12,081
That's her beautiful hand.
269
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:14,523
I mean the thing
in the blanket.
270
00:14:14,606 --> 00:14:19,031
- This is Robin.
- Juan, they have a baby.
271
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:20,794
Oh.
272
00:14:22,359 --> 00:14:24,100
Actually, we have twins.
273
00:14:24,183 --> 00:14:25,895
Juan, they have two babies.
274
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,394
Oh, oh.
275
00:14:28,565 --> 00:14:30,609
What's "oh, oh,"
what's the matter?
276
00:14:30,692 --> 00:14:31,894
Yeah, "what's the matter,"
tell him.
277
00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:33,411
Tell him
what's the matter.
278
00:14:33,494 --> 00:14:35,016
Uh, Uncle Mo, Uncle Mo
279
00:14:35,099 --> 00:14:36,742
these people, here,
they were desperate.
280
00:14:36,802 --> 00:14:38,304
Well, you know what
my rules are.
281
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,444
No babies allowed!
282
00:14:42,431 --> 00:14:44,111
They make noise.
283
00:14:44,194 --> 00:14:45,753
They, they get sick.
284
00:14:45,836 --> 00:14:47,936
They spit up.
285
00:14:48,618 --> 00:14:50,621
Uncle Mo, these people, here,
they need an apartment.
286
00:14:50,704 --> 00:14:52,184
Yeah, well, they're gonna need
a lawyer now
287
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,747
and you, you're gonna need
a new future.
288
00:14:53,749 --> 00:14:57,135
You're too soft-hearted
to be in the apartment business.
289
00:14:57,218 --> 00:14:59,360
Nice meetin' ya.
290
00:15:01,951 --> 00:15:04,320
I was just tryin'
to help, folks.
291
00:15:06,744 --> 00:15:09,429
Juan, you wanna help, you better
stop Woodman and the truck.
292
00:15:09,512 --> 00:15:12,505
We might have to live
in it for a while.
293
00:15:12,588 --> 00:15:14,048
♪♪
294
00:15:21,218 --> 00:15:27,050
Here's one,
"large indoor-outdoor suite.
295
00:15:27,146 --> 00:15:30,454
Fenced-in yard, wooded area."
296
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:34,055
And it's only $100 a month,
Mr. Kotter...
297
00:15:34,055 --> 00:15:36,905
Let me see that,
$100 a month?
298
00:15:39,423 --> 00:15:42,059
Arnold, this is an ad
for a kennel.
299
00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:48,232
Maybe they'll make
an exception.
300
00:15:49,487 --> 00:15:50,708
Look at that, looky, looky,
looky, looky
301
00:15:50,791 --> 00:15:52,793
check it out, check it out,
look at this, look at this.
302
00:15:52,873 --> 00:15:56,133
"Four rooms, over bowling alley,
under pool hall
303
00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:58,293
"next to a disco.
304
00:15:58,376 --> 00:16:00,998
If no answer, knock louder."
305
00:16:01,081 --> 00:16:02,402
That's nice, Freddie,
but we were hopin'
306
00:16:02,402 --> 00:16:04,882
for somethin' a little
noisier, like an apartment
307
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,848
on an airport runway
or somethin'.
308
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:09,827
Wait a minute, what's this?
309
00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:14,131
"Unfurn appt., live room
310
00:16:14,214 --> 00:16:16,314
effic kitch., st. shw."
311
00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:22,383
You know, the guy who wrote
this spells worse than me.
312
00:16:26,407 --> 00:16:28,061
Vinnie, these are abbreviations.
313
00:16:28,144 --> 00:16:31,843
It means unfurnished apartment,
living room
314
00:16:31,852 --> 00:16:34,992
it's an efficiency kitchen,
stall shower.
315
00:16:35,075 --> 00:16:37,701
$250 a month, not bad.
316
00:16:37,784 --> 00:16:39,905
It's also my old apartment.
317
00:16:41,443 --> 00:16:45,066
Mr. Kotter, I do not understand
why you are giving up so easily.
318
00:16:45,149 --> 00:16:48,129
Hey, you know, Mr. Kotter,
um, Arnold's right.
319
00:16:48,212 --> 00:16:51,916
I mean, Epstein's uncle,
he don't got a leg to stand on.
320
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,935
Look, you know, Juan's in enough
trouble as is.
321
00:16:55,018 --> 00:16:56,496
I mean, he feels so bad,
he didn't even
322
00:16:56,579 --> 00:16:58,158
come to school today.
323
00:16:58,241 --> 00:16:59,899
I'll just stay with my brother
for a couple of weeks
324
00:16:59,982 --> 00:17:01,744
until I can find something.
325
00:17:01,744 --> 00:17:03,945
Hello, Kotter, what's this
I hear about you
326
00:17:03,945 --> 00:17:05,783
moving out of your
new apartment?
327
00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:07,926
Yeah, unfortunately it's true.
328
00:17:08,009 --> 00:17:10,108
Didn't take your neighbors
long to get up
329
00:17:10,191 --> 00:17:11,751
a petition, did it?
330
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:14,374
Get it, Kotter, petition?
331
00:17:14,374 --> 00:17:17,315
[laughs]
332
00:17:17,398 --> 00:17:20,621
I'm too much,
you know that, I'm too much.
333
00:17:24,246 --> 00:17:27,048
Take your medicine,
Mr. Woodman!
334
00:17:28,811 --> 00:17:31,232
Maybe he was raised
by lizards.
335
00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:35,959
Well, one thing about
leaving so fast
336
00:17:35,979 --> 00:17:38,895
I didn't have time
to get used to the place.
337
00:17:38,978 --> 00:17:40,658
I'm really sorry, Mrs. Kotter,
I didn't mean
338
00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,183
to mess it up, you know?
339
00:17:42,183 --> 00:17:44,684
Oh, it's okay, Juan,
we can find another apartment.
340
00:17:44,767 --> 00:17:46,767
I don't know if you're gonna
find another uncle.
341
00:17:46,850 --> 00:17:48,893
Oh, yeah, Uncle Mo's really
bummed out at me
342
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,612
and he gave me the can.
343
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:53,176
Hey, look, I just had these
cards ordered for myself.
344
00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:54,631
Look at this, here.
345
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:58,744
"Juan Epstein, consultant,
real estate rentals and sales
346
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,808
"ears pierced while you wait.
347
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,026
Special rate for groups."
348
00:18:05,798 --> 00:18:07,734
- Hi, Julie.
- Hi, honey.
349
00:18:08,993 --> 00:18:10,712
- Hi, Juan.
- Hi, honey.
350
00:18:12,551 --> 00:18:14,494
I got a message for you
from Mr. Woodman.
351
00:18:14,578 --> 00:18:17,001
"Show up in school tomorrow,
or else."
352
00:18:17,084 --> 00:18:19,165
I got a lot of thinkin'
to do, Mr. Kotter.
353
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:21,670
I really can't do that
in school.
354
00:18:24,609 --> 00:18:26,430
Listen, Juan, I know
you got problems
355
00:18:26,513 --> 00:18:28,971
but that's no reason
to cut class.
356
00:18:29,054 --> 00:18:32,020
Gabe, he was not cutting class.
357
00:18:32,103 --> 00:18:35,308
I was tutoring him
in moving and storage.
358
00:18:35,308 --> 00:18:36,822
An accomplice.
359
00:18:36,906 --> 00:18:38,610
[knocking on door]
360
00:18:38,694 --> 00:18:40,174
Juan, I think we should find
your family tree
361
00:18:40,257 --> 00:18:42,193
and chop it down.
362
00:18:43,824 --> 00:18:47,205
Oh, look who it is,
Uncle Shmo.
363
00:18:48,782 --> 00:18:50,945
If you're tryin' to make
me feel bad, don't bother.
364
00:18:51,028 --> 00:18:52,987
Better men than you
have tried and failed.
365
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:55,732
Gabe, why don't you invite
Mr. Epstein in?
366
00:18:55,732 --> 00:18:58,932
The babies have already
had their shots.
367
00:18:59,015 --> 00:19:01,334
Very funny,
but this is not a social call.
368
00:19:01,417 --> 00:19:03,436
Oh, that's too bad,
we were about to offer you some
369
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,801
flat beer and stale pizza.
370
00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:08,340
Well, I came up
to offer you this.
371
00:19:08,423 --> 00:19:10,342
Don't bother reading it,
I will summarize
372
00:19:10,425 --> 00:19:12,223
all forty pages
in five words.
373
00:19:12,306 --> 00:19:14,381
Get out in thirty days.
374
00:19:14,465 --> 00:19:17,727
That's not soon enough,
we'll be out tomorrow morning.
375
00:19:17,811 --> 00:19:19,041
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
376
00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:21,973
You mean you're not
gonna fight me?
377
00:19:22,056 --> 00:19:23,471
What?
378
00:19:23,554 --> 00:19:24,815
You want us to fight you?
379
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:26,798
Sure, sure, of course.
380
00:19:26,881 --> 00:19:30,521
I sue you, you sue me,
court battles, lawyers.
381
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:33,624
Look, some people golf,
some people bowl
382
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:36,343
I fight with my tenants,
that's my fun.
383
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:40,830
What would life be without
a little litigation, you know?
384
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:46,231
You are not only a mean man,
you are a sick man.
385
00:19:46,314 --> 00:19:48,776
And you people are crazy,
don't you understand?
386
00:19:48,859 --> 00:19:50,762
If you hang in for long enough,
you'll win.
387
00:19:50,802 --> 00:19:53,343
I don't have a leg to stand on,
it'll be fun.
388
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:55,686
Look, Uncle Mo, Uncle Mo,
they ain't gonna fight you
389
00:19:55,726 --> 00:19:57,569
'cause you're my uncle
and they don't wanna get me
390
00:19:57,569 --> 00:19:59,172
in any more trouble
than what I am.
391
00:19:59,172 --> 00:20:01,355
Forget that I'm his uncle,
forget that.
392
00:20:01,415 --> 00:20:05,019
Think of me as a mad dog,
as a beast, huh?
393
00:20:06,221 --> 00:20:09,242
Look, look, Kotter,
picture this, huh?
394
00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:12,827
A courtroom,
on one side a hated slumlord.
395
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:15,129
A man who started with
a single tenant
396
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:18,115
and built it into
a thriving ghetto.
397
00:20:18,839 --> 00:20:21,340
I see, I see, I see, the one
with the foam at the mouth.
398
00:20:21,424 --> 00:20:23,944
- That's you, right?
- Right, that's me, right?
399
00:20:24,027 --> 00:20:26,465
Okay, now at the other
side, right?
400
00:20:26,549 --> 00:20:28,811
A dedicated teacher,
a beautiful wife
401
00:20:28,830 --> 00:20:31,292
sitting with their twins,
can you see them?
402
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:35,396
Yeah, I can see it,
Rachel's cooing for the jury.
403
00:20:35,396 --> 00:20:38,279
- And Robin wants a mistrial.
- Yeah, right.
404
00:20:38,299 --> 00:20:39,820
And look, look,
look at the jury.
405
00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:42,242
You've won their hearts,
they hate me.
406
00:20:42,262 --> 00:20:44,164
They're climbing out
of the jury box
407
00:20:44,164 --> 00:20:45,885
to tear out the rest
of my hair.
408
00:20:45,885 --> 00:20:48,007
We don't have to go to court
for that
409
00:20:48,027 --> 00:20:49,571
I'll rip out the rest
of your hair!
410
00:20:49,571 --> 00:20:52,794
That's a contender, huh,
now what about you, come on?
411
00:20:52,874 --> 00:20:54,790
What about me,
you wanna know about me?
412
00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:57,318
You wanna fight,
alright, alright, alright.
413
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,941
You got one, okay, we're not
moving out of this apartment
414
00:21:00,023 --> 00:21:01,946
and we're not even goin'
to court to prove it!
415
00:21:01,946 --> 00:21:03,349
[Mo] A staggering blow, okay
416
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,791
we don't go to court.
Keep punching, come on.
417
00:21:04,811 --> 00:21:06,314
You want more,
you want more, alright.
418
00:21:06,314 --> 00:21:09,600
I want Juan to get
his job back and I want you
419
00:21:09,684 --> 00:21:11,427
to give him a regular salary,
how 'bout that?
420
00:21:11,427 --> 00:21:13,350
Oh, beautiful, Kotter,
you got me on the ropes.
421
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:16,836
I'm dazed, okay, give me,
give me the knockout punch.
422
00:21:16,836 --> 00:21:19,120
Alright, here it comes,
you ready?
423
00:21:20,261 --> 00:21:21,900
You're gonna let people
with babies
424
00:21:21,984 --> 00:21:23,925
in all your apartments.
425
00:21:26,330 --> 00:21:28,811
You had me where you wanted me,
but you went too far.
426
00:21:28,894 --> 00:21:33,016
No, you guys with principals,
you never know when to stop.
427
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:37,865
Alright, alright,
stay if you want.
428
00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:41,070
At least now you're fighters.
429
00:21:41,153 --> 00:21:43,597
But one spit-up on the floor,
and it'll...
430
00:21:43,597 --> 00:21:45,976
...straight to the
supreme court.
431
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:47,660
Uncle Mo, now, does that mean
I can show up
432
00:21:47,743 --> 00:21:48,965
at your office
in the mornin'?
433
00:21:48,965 --> 00:21:50,144
Yeah, yeah, come by,
I'll teach you how
434
00:21:50,227 --> 00:21:52,186
to evict the bed-ridden.
435
00:21:55,362 --> 00:21:57,213
Nice seein' ya again.
436
00:21:58,103 --> 00:21:59,705
[cheering]
437
00:21:59,788 --> 00:22:02,046
There it is, there it is,
there it is.
438
00:22:02,129 --> 00:22:04,021
I'm back in business.
439
00:22:04,051 --> 00:22:07,775
Honey, I have never
seen you that mad.
440
00:22:07,775 --> 00:22:11,366
That was very exciting.
441
00:22:18,927 --> 00:22:21,948
Don't you have
something to do?
442
00:22:22,978 --> 00:22:27,067
Yeah, I gotta go over the rules
and regulations of the building.
443
00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:30,053
Alright, now, first of all,
here's the situation
444
00:22:30,137 --> 00:22:32,916
things have to be quiet
around here around 10:00.
445
00:22:32,999 --> 00:22:34,913
I don't want anybody
just blastin' their stereo
446
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:37,300
you know, we got a lot
of old folks underneath
447
00:22:37,383 --> 00:22:39,925
yeah, and they're just gonna
complain a lot.
448
00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,347
Uh, the rent is due
on the 15th of the month
449
00:22:42,348 --> 00:22:45,603
not the 16th, but is due
on the 15th of the month.
450
00:22:45,686 --> 00:22:47,349
Uh, the garbage is picked up
on Tuesdays.
451
00:22:47,432 --> 00:22:49,954
You just, just pick up
the garbage.
452
00:22:49,954 --> 00:22:52,087
You pick up the garbage
and you move it to the door.
453
00:22:52,096 --> 00:22:56,556
Very easily, you open the door,
and you take the garbage...
454
00:23:00,433 --> 00:23:01,893
♪♪
455
00:23:09,676 --> 00:23:11,598
Just think of it, Julie,
this place is really ours.
456
00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:16,430
Hey, did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Elsworth?
457
00:23:16,513 --> 00:23:19,580
New apartment,
but some things never change.
458
00:23:19,757 --> 00:23:21,000
Well, listen to this,
Uncle Elsworth
459
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:23,433
was a real fancy guy,
liked to travel all the time
460
00:23:23,487 --> 00:23:24,869
lived in St. Louis, right?
461
00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:26,390
So, one time he's taking
a train from St. Louis
462
00:23:26,473 --> 00:23:28,606
to Kansas City,
sits in a dining car
463
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,746
and a cannibal sits down
next to him.
464
00:23:31,746 --> 00:23:33,869
- A cannibal?
- Yes, a cannibal.
465
00:23:33,888 --> 00:23:35,167
- A cannibal.
- Cannibal.
466
00:23:35,251 --> 00:23:38,472
And the waiter comes over
and says to the cannibal...
467
00:23:38,555 --> 00:23:39,827
- The cannibal?
- Yes.
468
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:42,438
He said, "Would you like
to see a menu, sir?"
469
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:47,085
And the cannibal says,
"No, just the passenger list."
470
00:23:47,182 --> 00:23:48,642
♪♪
471
00:23:53,709 --> 00:23:56,517
[theme song]
472
00:24:00,935 --> 00:24:03,636
♪ Welcome back ♪
473
00:24:03,719 --> 00:24:07,293
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
474
00:24:07,376 --> 00:24:09,730
♪ Welcome back ♪
475
00:24:09,813 --> 00:24:14,605
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
476
00:24:14,688 --> 00:24:18,739
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
477
00:24:18,822 --> 00:24:23,135
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
478
00:24:23,218 --> 00:24:25,441
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
479
00:24:25,524 --> 00:24:27,096
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
480
00:24:27,178 --> 00:24:29,315
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
481
00:24:29,398 --> 00:24:31,447
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
482
00:24:31,530 --> 00:24:35,626
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause
we got him on the spot ♪
483
00:24:35,709 --> 00:24:37,889
♪ Welcome back ♪
484
00:24:37,972 --> 00:24:42,110
♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪
485
00:24:42,193 --> 00:24:44,286
♪ Welcome back
welcome back ♪
486
00:24:44,369 --> 00:24:47,028
♪ Welcome back ♪
487
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,770
♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪
488
00:24:50,853 --> 00:24:53,295
♪ Welcome back ♪
489
00:24:53,378 --> 00:24:58,126
♪ And I smile when I think
how you must've been ♪
490
00:24:58,209 --> 00:25:02,391
♪ And I know what a scene
you were learnin' in ♪
491
00:25:02,474 --> 00:25:05,608
♪ Was there something that made
you come back again ♪♪
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