Original subtitles

Mr. Woodman, did I ever tell you about my uncle

that thought he was a steam radiator?

Well, nobody's perfect.

No, my aunt took him to see a psychiatrist anyway.

Now, what did she want the psychiatrist to do

convince him he wasn't a radiator?

No, just get him to stop hissing.

After hearing that joke, I know how your uncle felt.

[hissing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[bell ringing]

Alright, you young loudies

take your seats and clam up.

Uh, Mr. Horshack, who put you in charge?

It just so happens, that during Mr. Kotter's absenteeism

I have jun-iority.

Yeah, well where is Kotter anyway, he's gonna miss

my big surprise.

I don't know, you know what, maybe he took his kids

to the baby doctor.

That's stupid, babies can't be doctors.

What would they put on the prescription?

"Goo-goo?"

Good morning.

Good afternoon.

Look, I'm sorry I'm late.

You're sorry your late?

You're sorry for depriving these eager, young minds

of their much needed education?

You are sorry?

Horshack, you wanna be a teacher

you gotta wear a tie, you gotta keep tums

in your pocket at all times, and you gotta practice

being ignored, take a seat.

Did you hear me?

No, I'm ignoring you.

- You take a seat! - Alright.

The reason I'm late, guys, is because I went

to see apartments again.

Apartment hunting all week, can't find anything.

Well, say no more, Juan Epstein is here.

You say you're lookin' for an apartment?

You say you can't find one?

You say you looked in Brooklyn, Queens

and parts of StatenIsland?

Let me tell you what I'm gonna do.

What are you gonna do, sell me a Veg-O-Matic?

Close, but no cigar.

I have, here in my hand, the answer

to all your problems.

It's a lease to a two-bedroom apartment, at 1962 Linden Blvd.

What's the matter, Epstein, your mother stopped

writing notes and started writing leases?

No, my uncle did.

Wait a second, this is a real lease.

Of course it's a real lease, I got connections.

My uncle, he runs a chain of slums.

Yeah, but Linden Blvd. is a very nice neighborhood.

Yeah, well, you know the way Uncle Mo figured it out

he had to branch off.

Why just steal from the poor

when you can rip off everybody?

Epstein, I don't know if this is a put-on or not

but at this point, I'll grab at anything.

Now, what are you grabbing at now, Kotter?

Epstein may or may not have found me an apartment.

Well, it's my Uncle Mo's building.

Why would you wanna move to Puerto Rico?

That's the wrong side of the family.

My Uncle Mo, he runs a slick operation.

He's teachin' me the ropes.

Ropes?

What's the matter, the building has no elevators?

Look, kid around if you will, Mr. Woodman

but this looks legitimate.

When can I see it, Juan?

Anytime you want.

Better make it fast, before it gets condemned.

There is only one thing that can make a man that crabby

he buys his underwear too small.

Hey, you guys would be weird, too

if you were raised by lizards.

Was he really?

Joke,Barbarino, joke.

Oh, joke, a joke.

Julie, this has all gone so smoothly

it's makin' me nervous.

Honey, relax, we saw the new apartment, it's wonderful.

Okay, truck's loaded up.

The only thing left to go is the babies.

Arnold, could you get us a carton?

Wait a minute, wait a minute now, don't be stupid.

You don't pack babies in cartons, Epstein.

You strap 'em to the roof of the truck.

Yeah, otherwise they might get chipped.

Uh, okay, Santini Brothers, listen, you handle the hardware

we'll take care of the livestock.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, I think, I think your refrigerator's sick,

it looks all hot and sweaty.

Yeah, well, that's what generally happens

when you pull the plug out.

What are you gonna do with this root beer?

You're gonna leave it here to die?

Well, old pal, I know that over the years, you know

I took more than I gave...

...but you tempted me, you know that?

You tempted me with your liverwurst

and your Danish, and your anchovies

so stay... stay full and keep a cool upper chest.

That was very touching, Vinnie, very touching.

Now, we would like a moment alone with the stove.

Yeah, I mean you guys aren't the only ones

that have to confront a beloved appliance.

Arnold, would you take this?

You know, Mr. Kotter, I'm kind of glad you're moving

because we're all too old to be climbing

in and out of windows.

- See you in a while. - Bye.

Hey, guys, hey, y'all, come here for a second.

Guys, hey, um...

One more time for old time's sake.

[all] Mm-hmm.

[indistinct singing]

Well, honey, take a good look around.

Goodbye to our first apartment.

Yeah.

Hey, Julie, what do you say we leave the way

we first came in?

You mean in debt and unemployed?

I mean like this.

Oh, honey, you're so romantic.

I know.

[indistinct singing]

[Julie] Gabe, how could you?

How could you forget?

[Gabe] Well, you forgot, too.

[Julie] You forgot first.

[Gabe] No, you did.

No, you did, how could you forget the babies?

Alright, I'll take the express aisle.

- I got one baby or less. - Okay.

♪♪

Oh, oh, honey, it's even nicer than I remember it.

Yes, and I love the way it's decorated

early sweathog.

It's gonna be great to have enough room

for all four of us, honey.

I think we should've kept our old apartment though

you know, use it as a summer home.

Come on, let's show the girls to their nursery.

Hey, Rachie baby, you wanna see your new digs?

Come on, you wanna help us unpack?

- Come on. - Let's go.

I think Robin wants the crib by the phone.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm sick of Robin's demands.

A right, stroke, stroke

stroke, stroke.

Come on, Horshack, put some muscle into this couch.

Why, it's already stronger than I am?

Alright, then let's let biceps be biceps.

I'd like to congratulate everybody on a job well done.

All furniture presently accounted for, sir.

Anyway, except for that runaway bookcase that hit

that bump on ocean parkway.

You know what I think, I think that we moved the furniture

and we worked very hard, I think it's Miller time.

Well, we got the time, who's got the beer?

Would you settle for root beer?

Requesting permission to sit, sir.

Uh-huh, alright, everybody, just ease up.

Oh, boy.

Listen, you guys worked hard all day

I guess it's Miller time.

I just did that joke.

Oh.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I gotta hurry up downstairs

and get the driver, he wants to get paid.

What's his hurry?

Well, he's parked in a no-furniture zone.

Money, money, money, everybody wants money.

Hey, guys, I gotta congratulate you.

You didn't break a thing.

Well, I mean, like, uh, what did you expect?

We left all the broken stuff on the truck.

Vinnie, there's someone here I want you to meet.

Oh, yeah, who?

Over here, her name is Shirley.

Oh, hello, Shirley, boy, are you alone?

Yes, well, that's good, 'cause you got a nice face.

But you're empty inside.

Well, Vinnie, give her a chance to get turned on.

Well, Rachel loves the new nursery.

Oh, that's terrific.

But Robin's complaining about the wallpaper.

She says it clashes with her diapers.

I didn't when we put them on.

I got the driver. This way, Mac.

Alright, Kotter, how you wanna pay me?

By mile or by the hour?

Well, which is cheaper?

Well, for anybody else, it would be forty bucks.

For you, it's on the house.

Thank you, Mr. Woodman, that's nice of you.

Listen...

It's a hard trip, got stopped by a cop

I sold an end table and a lamp.

I need those for my living room!

That's what the cop said.

I could really use that forty bucks.

The price of Poligrip goes up every day.

Uh, you low-lifes want a ride back with me?

Yeah, yeah, let's go, osteo lumbago,baby.

Via con dios.

Chili con carne.

[baby crying]

I'll get it.

Phones you get, babies you take care of.

I'll be right back.

Well, I don't wanna be one to squeeze my own accordion

but did I do good or did I do good?

Well, Juan, given those choices, you did good.

Yeah, well, you got a real sweet deal here, Mr. Kotter.

I just hope you remember it the next time

you grade my tests, you know what I mean?

You see, a "D" can become a "B" very easily.

All you gotta do is just put a line right down

the middle of it.

What do you need me for, you been doin'

that yourself for two years?

Yeah, but if you get caught doin' it

I don't get in any trouble.

[knocking on door]

I'll get it, maybe it's the old refrigerator

looking for Vinnie.

Come in.

I'm Mo Epstein, your landlord.

Well, well, well, what do you know, Uncle Mo?

Epstein the young guy, how ya doin'?

Mr. Epstein, nice to meet ya, listen, I can't tell you

how much I appreciate this apartment.

Nah, don't mention it.

Juan, here, told me all about you.

Yeah. You're the famous Mr. Kotter.

A man who molds young minds.

Once in a while, of course, a mind is moldy

before it gets to you...

...but such is the life of a teacher.

So, I hear you have a beautiful wife.

Yeah, well, I'm a lucky man.

Ah.

Hi.

What is that?

That's my beautiful wife.

No, no, no, I mean the thing at the end of her arm there.

That's her beautiful hand.

I mean the thing in the blanket.

- This is Robin. - Juan, they have a baby.

Oh.

Actually, we have twins.

Juan, they have two babies.

Oh, oh.

What's "oh, oh," what's the matter?

Yeah, "what's the matter," tell him.

Tell him what's the matter.

Uh, Uncle Mo, Uncle Mo

these people, here, they were desperate.

Well, you know what my rules are.

No babies allowed!

They make noise.

They, they get sick.

They spit up.

Uncle Mo, these people, here, they need an apartment.

Yeah, well, they're gonna need a lawyer now

and you, you're gonna need a new future.

You're too soft-hearted to be in the apartment business.

Nice meetin' ya.

I was just tryin' to help, folks.

Juan, you wanna help, you better stop Woodman and the truck.

We might have to live in it for a while.

♪♪

Here's one, "large indoor-outdoor suite.

Fenced-in yard, wooded area."

And it's only $100 a month, Mr. Kotter...

Let me see that, $100 a month?

Arnold, this is an ad for a kennel.

Maybe they'll make an exception.

Look at that, looky, looky, looky, looky

check it out, check it out, look at this, look at this.

"Four rooms, over bowling alley, under pool hall

"next to a disco.

If no answer, knock louder."

That's nice, Freddie, but we were hopin'

for somethin' a little noisier, like an apartment

on an airport runway or somethin'.

Wait a minute, what's this?

"Unfurn appt., live room

effic kitch., st. shw."

You know, the guy who wrote this spells worse than me.

Vinnie, these are abbreviations.

It means unfurnished apartment, living room

it's an efficiency kitchen, stall shower.

$250 a month, not bad.

It's also my old apartment.

Mr. Kotter, I do not understand why you are giving up so easily.

Hey, you know, Mr. Kotter, um, Arnold's right.

I mean, Epstein's uncle, he don't got a leg to stand on.

Look, you know, Juan's in enough trouble as is.

I mean, he feels so bad, he didn't even

come to school today.

I'll just stay with my brother for a couple of weeks

until I can find something.

Hello, Kotter, what's this I hear about you

moving out of your new apartment?

Yeah, unfortunately it's true.

Didn't take your neighbors long to get up

a petition, did it?

Get it, Kotter, petition?

[laughs]

I'm too much, you know that, I'm too much.

Take your medicine, Mr. Woodman!

Maybe he was raised by lizards.

Well, one thing about leaving so fast

I didn't have time to get used to the place.

I'm really sorry, Mrs. Kotter, I didn't mean

to mess it up, you know?

Oh, it's okay, Juan, we can find another apartment.

I don't know if you're gonna find another uncle.

Oh, yeah, Uncle Mo's really bummed out at me

and he gave me the can.

Hey, look, I just had these cards ordered for myself.

Look at this, here.

"Juan Epstein, consultant, real estate rentals and sales

"ears pierced while you wait.

Special rate for groups."

- Hi, Julie. - Hi, honey.

- Hi, Juan. - Hi, honey.

I got a message for you from Mr. Woodman.

"Show up in school tomorrow, or else."

I got a lot of thinkin' to do, Mr. Kotter.

I really can't do that in school.

Listen, Juan, I know you got problems

but that's no reason to cut class.

Gabe, he was not cutting class.

I was tutoring him in moving and storage.

An accomplice.

[knocking on door]

Juan, I think we should find your family tree

and chop it down.

Oh, look who it is, Uncle Shmo.

If you're tryin' to make me feel bad, don't bother.

Better men than you have tried and failed.

Gabe, why don't you invite Mr. Epstein in?

The babies have already had their shots.

Very funny, but this is not a social call.

Oh, that's too bad, we were about to offer you some

flat beer and stale pizza.

Well, I came up to offer you this.

Don't bother reading it, I will summarize

all forty pages in five words.

Get out in thirty days.

That's not soon enough, we'll be out tomorrow morning.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

You mean you're not gonna fight me?

What?

You want us to fight you?

Sure, sure, of course.

I sue you, you sue me, court battles, lawyers.

Look, some people golf, some people bowl

I fight with my tenants, that's my fun.

What would life be without a little litigation, you know?

You are not only a mean man, you are a sick man.

And you people are crazy, don't you understand?

If you hang in for long enough, you'll win.

I don't have a leg to stand on, it'll be fun.

Look, Uncle Mo, Uncle Mo, they ain't gonna fight you

'cause you're my uncle and they don't wanna get me

in any more trouble than what I am.

Forget that I'm his uncle, forget that.

Think of me as a mad dog, as a beast, huh?

Look, look, Kotter, picture this, huh?

A courtroom, on one side a hated slumlord.

A man who started with a single tenant

and built it into a thriving ghetto.

I see, I see, I see, the one with the foam at the mouth.

- That's you, right? - Right, that's me, right?

Okay, now at the other side, right?

A dedicated teacher, a beautiful wife

sitting with their twins, can you see them?

Yeah, I can see it, Rachel's cooing for the jury.

- And Robin wants a mistrial. - Yeah, right.

And look, look, look at the jury.

You've won their hearts, they hate me.

They're climbing out of the jury box

to tear out the rest of my hair.

We don't have to go to court for that

I'll rip out the rest of your hair!

That's a contender, huh, now what about you, come on?

What about me, you wanna know about me?

You wanna fight, alright, alright, alright.

You got one, okay, we're not moving out of this apartment

and we're not even goin' to court to prove it!

[Mo] A staggering blow, okay

we don't go to court. Keep punching, come on.

You want more, you want more, alright.

I want Juan to get his job back and I want you

to give him a regular salary, how 'bout that?

Oh, beautiful, Kotter, you got me on the ropes.

I'm dazed, okay, give me, give me the knockout punch.

Alright, here it comes, you ready?

You're gonna let people with babies

in all your apartments.

You had me where you wanted me, but you went too far.

No, you guys with principals, you never know when to stop.

Alright, alright, stay if you want.

At least now you're fighters.

But one spit-up on the floor, and it'll...

...straight to the supreme court.

Uncle Mo, now, does that mean I can show up

at your office in the mornin'?

Yeah, yeah, come by, I'll teach you how

to evict the bed-ridden.

Nice seein' ya again.

[cheering]

There it is, there it is, there it is.

I'm back in business.

Honey, I have never seen you that mad.

That was very exciting.

Don't you have something to do?

Yeah, I gotta go over the rules and regulations of the building.

Alright, now, first of all, here's the situation

things have to be quiet around here around 10:00.

I don't want anybody just blastin' their stereo

you know, we got a lot of old folks underneath

yeah, and they're just gonna complain a lot.

Uh, the rent is due on the 15th of the month

not the 16th, but is due on the 15th of the month.

Uh, the garbage is picked up on Tuesdays.

You just, just pick up the garbage.

You pick up the garbage and you move it to the door.

Very easily, you open the door, and you take the garbage...

♪♪

Just think of it, Julie, this place is really ours.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Elsworth?

New apartment, but some things never change.

Well, listen to this, Uncle Elsworth

was a real fancy guy, liked to travel all the time

lived in St. Louis, right?

So, one time he's taking a train from St. Louis

to Kansas City, sits in a dining car

and a cannibal sits down next to him.

- A cannibal? - Yes, a cannibal.

- A cannibal. - Cannibal.

And the waiter comes over and says to the cannibal...

- The cannibal? - Yes.

He said, "Would you like to see a menu, sir?"

And the cannibal says, "No, just the passenger list."

♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪♪