Original subtitles

Julie, I ever tell you about my Cousin Lester?

No, and I appreciate it.

Well, your luck has run out.

My Cousin Lester always wanted to be an engineer

on a train, but he was kinda stupid.

Anyway, one day he goes in for an interview.

And the guy says, "Alright, Lester.

Now listen to this, I want you to tell me what to do."

Train, you're the engineer, right?

It's going down the track, you go around a big curb

all of a sudden you see coming at you

100 miles an hour, another train on the same track.

Now what do you do?

What'd Lester say?

Well Lester said, "Let me get this straight.

"I'm an engineer of a train

"train is going 90 miles an hour around a curb

"and there's another train coming on the same track

right at me?"

Guy says, "That's right, what would you do?"

Lester said, "Well, I'd call my sister."

What?

That's what he said, "I'll my sister."

And the guy said, "Why would you call your sister?"

Lester said, "Well, she ain't ever seen a train wreck before."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Morning!

Don't tell me Arnold's absent again today?

Mr. Kotter, Arnold's absent again today.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie, let me know if you get here.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Not only has Horshack been out of school all week

he ain't been nowhere.

Yeah, he's just a little nowhere, man.

You know, Arnold might be staying away

because of remarks just like that.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He can't hear those remarks, he ain't even here.

Look, let me try and make it clear.

Horshack takes a lot of abuse from you guys.

Let me tell you a little story.

- Oh, come on... - It's early in the morning.

Is this a Bonzo Meretti story?

No, this is a Harold Lavinsky story.

Who's that?

Harold Lavinsky was a Sweathog when

I went to school here.

Now, Harold had big ears, you know, that stuck out

from his head.

So all the guys, including me

used to say things like, "Hey, Lavinsky!

You look like a taxi cab with the doors open!"

Oh, that's funny.

Taxi cab with the doors open!

That's not the point, Vinnie.

The point is, I didn't want to hurt Harold.

I thought I was being cute

like you guys don't want to hurt Arnold

but Arnold has feelings, he's a person

he's a human being.

[tamborine jingling]

♪ Ba-ba-bee-bee ♪

[sing-song humming]

[tamborine jingling]

♪ Ba-ba-bee-bee bee-bee-bee ♪♪

Arnold?

It is not Arnold, Mr. Kotter.

My name is Abu Kareem Hassan.

Hey, Arnold, you're always falling

asleep in class and all

but it's the first time he ever wore his nightgown.

[laughing]

[Arnold laughing]

Mr. Kotter, I have found religion.

I now walk in the footsteps of the master

the great prophet...

...the Ba-ba-bee-bee.

Mr. Kotter, that Ba-ba-bee-bee

is that like junior achievement?

No, Ba-ba-bee-bee's are a religious cult

right Arnold?

The Bee-bee's are the only true cult, Mr. Kotter.

It all happened last week as I was walking

down Ludmon Place, when suddenly...

[tamborine rattle]

I was approached by this girl.

Oh, a vision of loveliness, I might add.

Who took my hand and walked with me.

I thought the cops cleaned up that area.

[laughing]

She told me that I was beautiful.

Her name Kalee Kalou.

Formerly Ms. Debbie Rothenberg of Forest Hills.

So what happened then?

Then... then she took me to the Ba-ba's holy shrine

and I learned two things, which I shall never forget

love a lot of people, sell a lot of flowers.

Um, Arnold... Abu, could you check your tambourine

and sit down?

I'd like to discuss this with you later, okay?

But right now, uh, let's open our workbooks.

- Now-- - Kotter!

Close your workbook.

Which one of your animals did it?

What?

Somebody's painted a big sign on the front door

of the school saying "Ba-ba loves the whole world."

Who is this girl, Ba-ba?

She must be in your class!

It is I, Abu Kareem Hassan, who wrote that message

of love.

Beautiful flowers for a very beautiful

person, Mr. Woodman.

That'll be 35 cents.

What's with this weirdo?

Arnold has had a religious experience, Mr. Woodman.

He's joined the cult of Ba-ba-bee-bee.

Ba-ba-bee-bee?

You mean the one who brainwashes young people?

My kind of guy!

Arnold!

Arnold!

What's the matter with him?

I think he's in a trance.

Oh, wow, boy, he's really out of it.

He looks like that thing my father's got

in the back of his car.

How does the place look, honey?

Julie, relax, Mrs. Horshack is a woman

with four kids.

To her, this place is gonna look neat.

Well, honey, what would you do if one of the girls

joined one of those religious cults?

Okay, girls, now which one of you tried to sell

your mother a flower?

Was it you?

Did you do it?

Yes, I think somebody shaved your head.

Oh, yes.

Come on, you go to sleep now.

You go to sleep now.

Maybe Arnold's just going through a phase.

You know, when I was a teenager in Nebraska

I joined a hippie commune for three days.

Why only three days?

I got thrown out.

They caught me doing my nails.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

They caught you doing your nails...

Mr. Kotter, hello.

I'm Arnold Horshack's mother.

I would've never guessed.

[snorty laugh]

Now I know where he gets it.

No, I got it from him.

Come on in, let me take your coat.

Okay, thank you.

This is my wife, Julie, Julie, this is Mrs. Horshack.

Ohh.

So nice to meet you, Mrs. Horshack.

Oh, actually it's Mrs. O'Hara.

I had Arnold by a previous mistake.

Oh, well, Arnold has told me so much about you.

Oh, and he's told me so much about you too.

And congratulations on your double blessing.

Oh, thank you.

You wanna see the babies?

Oh yeah!

Viewing room is right over here.

Ohh, they're gorgeous.

A matching set.

May I?

Sure.

Oohh.

They're so darling when they're little.

Oh, so pink and cute.

It's too bad they have to grow up.

And tear your heart out like my Arnold.

You think the time I dropped him

had anything to do with it?

No, um, I'm sure it didn't.

Let me just put her... She was sleeping.

Back to sleep now.

Yes, mwah.

Oh, come sit down.

Come on, you just sit down over here.

Now, between the three of us

we will figure this thing out.

You're very kind.

Dear, you should always keep a box of Kleenex out

you know?

- I'll get you some. - Thank you.

Here you go.

[knock on door]

Flowergram from the Ba-ba.

For you!

No charge.

- Come in, Arnold. - Abu.

It has come to my ears that the mother

of the former Arnold Horshack is here.

Look who it is, my son the religious fanatic.

Mother, you must not ridicule something

just because it's different.

Isn't that what you teach, Mr. Kotter?

Well, I try to tell my...

Arnold, I'm not ridiculing you because

I don't understand it and it's different

I'm ridiculing it because it's crazy.

Mother, please, as the great one says

"What is, is.

"What was will be.

What will be was, but will be again."

That's a beautiful sentiment, Arnold.

Make a great bumper sticker.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, it's more than mere sentiment.

It is the very cornerstone with which I want to build

my entire life.

Arnold, listen to me.

You're making a very important decision.

Don't you think you're being a little hasty about it?

Are you listening, Arnold?

Abu.

Arnold, this is an adult man with a mustache talking.

But mother, you do not understand.

Now I have a whole new family

and friends who truly love me.

Arnold, what about the Sweathogs?

They're your old friends, they really love you.

Love me?

Love me?

Love me, Mr. Kotter?

They do not love me.

What am I to them except someone

that they can laugh at, that they can poke fun of

that they can taunt and tease.

Oh, at least it's a start, Arnold.

Mom, no!

They have put me down for the last time.

That is why I have come here to tell you

that I am quitting school and moving to

the Ba-ba's holy commune

just adjacent to the shopping center in Nyack.

Commune? You're going to a commune?

Alright.

Just remember, when you're out there

rolling in the dirt, and the wheezing starts in

as it will, I just pray your Ba-ba

knows a good allergist.

Arnold!

Arnold, we've been friends for a long time.

Let's talk about this.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, words mean nothing.

And as the great one says, "Talk is cheap."

Arnold!

Arnold, come back, come back!

Arnold!

He's gone.

Oh!

Don't cry, Mrs. Horshack.

Mrs. O'Hara, dear.

You!

Horshack!

Why are you wearing that dress?

And what are you doing here so late?

Oh, Mr. Cummins, I am about to depart

these hallowed halls for a place

where love flourishes.

Ain't you a little young to be going to

a massage parlor?

Ah, Mr. Cummins, I will not say farewell

for we shall meet again

in a higher place.

Not tonight.

I already finished the third floor.

Oh, really?

What are you doing?

Let go of my being, please!

We're gonna de-program you, Arnold Horshack

for your own good.

Oh, you can torture me, but I shall never

reveal my mantra.

Well, nobody wants to see your mantra.

Forget about that, Freddie

now I saw how to do this on the eyewitness news.

Hey, you, repeat after me "My name is Arnold Horshack."

No, my name is Abu Kareem Hassan.

What is, is.

What was will be.

What will be was, but will be again.

We you better hurry up, I'm starting to understand him.

Now, look, Arnold.

We're gonna keep you here all night

without any food, without any water.

What care I for food and water?

For I am nourished by the fruit of the Ba-ba's teachings.

It keeps me pure and I don't break out.

Well, let's see if there's any reality here.

Put him in there! Alright, yeah!

You're gonna live your whole life, Arnold

right here in the men's room.

That's right, and after we're through with you

you won't care what the Ba-ba teaches you.

'Cause when you mess with the Sweathogs

your Ba-ba don' made a boo-boo.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

What was, was.

What isn't, isn't.

What you didn't do before you did.

My name is Abu Kareem Hassan.

What is, is.

What was will be.

What will be was, but will be again.

Arnold, what's going on here?

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Kotter!

Thank the Ba-ba you've arrived.

These boys here kept me awake all night

trying to force me to renounce my faith.

Come on, wake up.

Wake up, let's go, wake up.

- Hey, Vinnie, where are we? - Get up, Freddie.

Come on, get up.

What's the matter with you guys?

You can't force someone to give up

their religious beliefs just because you don't like them.

What'd I teach you three weeks ago

about freedom of religion?

Ain't no fair giving us a pop quiz

in the men's room.

Yeah!

Go ahead, go to class

I wanna talk to Arnold.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack!

Go on!

Your name is Mr. Kotter!

Your name is Mr. Kotter!

Forgive them, Mr. Kotter

they are but sheep, and you are the shepherd.

Guide them well to the next days' grazing.

What about you, Arnold?

Abu.

I must be going to join the Ba-ba.

Arnold, are you sure you're gonna be happy there?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, may the Ba-ba bless you.

But as the Majestic One says, "When it's right

you know it."

Ba-ba watches a lot of TV.

Arnold, you know, I've been doing

a little research about the Ba-ba

and his bee-bee's.

Oh, and you wish to join us?

What size sheet do you wear?

Do you know that the Ba-ba takes care

of your clothes, your money, all your worldly

possessions are his.

I am aware of the Ba-ba's yearly garage sale.

Arnold, he can tell you everything!

He tells you... if you wanna get married

he tells you who to marry.

He tells you when you can get married.

He tells you how many children you can have.

Well, someone has to tell me.

Arnold, listen to me.

Try and understand what I'm saying.

What about you?

You want... is this what you really want?

Do you want someone telling you what to do

all the time?

Arnold, that's not religion, that's slavery.

Please, Mr. Kotter, you must help me.

Why, Arnold? You wanna change your mind?

No, I wanna stand up, I've been sitting like this

all night long.

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

Aren't you gonna say goodbye to your friends?

And let them sink their claws into

my flesh once more?

Arnold, let's not be dramatic, alright?

I think you owe them a goodbye.

As you wish.

[humming "Wake up" bugle song]

Now come on, wake up school starts in 10 minutes

and uh, Arnold has something to say to you guys.

Goodbye, little Juan.

Goodbye, Frederic.

Goodbye, Vincent.

Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold!

Ah, you remember that time I told you the school dance

was a costume party?

- Oh, yeah. - And you believed me?

Yeah, and you came with aluminum foil

wrapped all around you like you was a baked potato.

[laughing]

It wasn't so bad until you put the sour cream in my hair.

I'm sorry about that, Arnold.

You deserve a lot better than being treated

like a side dish.

Arnold Horshack, um...

Hey look, um, I'm sorry about

all those times that I've been ranking on you.

You know, like that time, you know, like that time

when I said that you was so skiddy

that you need to rent a shadow, you remember that?

And then you said I looked like a pelican

with a permanent.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[tamborine jangling]

[male 1] Abu! Abu!

Abu! Abu! Abu!

- I must go now. - Wait a second!

I ain't talked to you yet.

Now look, I could understand you leaving

to go do something important like, you know

the roller derby or becoming a parking attendant

or something like that

you know, something with a future.

But this is going off with the tambourine bumps.

I mean, come on, where are your scruples?

But they want me, Vincent.

Arnold, do you think that we would waste

our best ranks on you if we didn't want you?

But they say they love me.

- We love you too. - Arnold, we love you too.

Yeah, but don't expect us to tell you that.

Why am I finding all of this out now?

When it's too late.

Goodbye.

My friends.

Well, I guess we were about a week late

with our sentiments.

Kotter, we got 20 people in front of the school in sheets!

It looks like a musical laundry line!

I'm running a high school not a white sale!

Oh, wow!

Hey, look at all the hippies!

Where's Arnold?

I don't see Arnold no place.

I don't know where he is.

Bye bye, Ba-ba!

Alright, gentlemen, let's say you repeat the part

about how you all love me but you can't say it.

I'm going... I'm going back to my office!

This display of love is making me nauseas.

Hey, Arnold, it's good to have you back.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, well, you know the old saying.

What is, ain't.

What was could not possibly be.

And what will be, is happening right here.

Mr. Woodman, before you leave

there's something I gotta tell you.

Not another one of your uncle jokes.

No, I can't think of an uncle joke.

This is cute.

These two flies are on the ceiling, right?

One looks at the other one and says

"Hey, your man is open."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome... ♪♪