Original subtitles

Here's that file you asked for, Kotter.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, did I ever tell you

about my Uncle Rodney who owned a jewelry store?

Oh, Kotter, please.

Mr. Woodman, you're gonna like this joke, listen.

My uncle owns a jewelry store, right?

So all of a sudden, he gets robbed.

You know, never happened to him before, he gets robbed

he calls the cops, the cops come over.

He says, "I was robbed."

Cop says, "who was the perpetrator?"

my uncle said, "The perpetrator was an elephant."

An elephant?

An elephant.

Cop said, "What kind of elephant was it?

African elephant or Indian elephant?"

My uncle said, "Well how should I know that?"

The cop says, "Well, an African elephant

has long ears, an Indian elephant has short ears."

So my uncle says, "I couldn't see

he had a stocking over his head."

Ha-ha-ha!

That's funny! Ha-ha-ha!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Now girls, I know that things are a mess

but it's gonna get a lot better around here

when I get used to being a mother, really.

Julie, uh, what is the coffee percolator

doing in the bathroom?

I ran out of sockets in the kitchen.

Why don't you bring the toaster in there?

We'll have breakfast in the bathroom.

It's cute, Gabe.

Just a joke.

Honey, where's my tie?

Your tie, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It's around here somewhere, saw it when I was cleaning up.

- Don't panic. - Where is it?

I'm looking for it.

Just wait... now come on.

What happened, run out of pampers?

Aw, it's your favorite tie.

Not anymore.

Oh, honey, I know everything's a mess.

I've really let this place go downhill.

Don't worry about it. It's probably my fault.

I tell you what, I'll be home at 3:30

and I'll take care of everything, alright?

We'll go shopping and hold out till then, okay?

Yeah, sure.

Don't worry about food.

If I get desperate, there are some ketchup stains

on this shirt.

Well, for dessert, there are some

chocolate pudding stains on my navy jacket.

Okay, bye-bye girls.

I'll see you, okay?

Why were you crying last night, you keep daddy up

yes you did.

You were so good last night.

Yes you were, you're a good little girl.

Yes, yes...

Girls, say goodbye to your father now.

He's gonna go to school and learn how to talk

like a grown man.

- I can talk like a grown man. - Mm-hmm.

Farewell, my lovelies.

The author of your being departs

for his daily toil.

So he can buy pabulum and milky.

Come on, Vinnie, the test is tomorrow.

Now, you get your head together.

Be a credit to your hair.

Alright, I'm gonna be serious about it now, guys.

You can ask me any question you want, I can answer.

Alright, alright, let's start

with the roughies.

You answer this one here, you get to go

to door number two.

Okay, Vinnie, my man.

When was the Spanish armada defeated

answer that question to me.

Friday afternoon.

[Freddie] When?

Alright, that's a easy one.

That's 1588.

[Freddie] Pretty good, that's nice.

Very impressive, Vinnie.

Now, um, what is the formula

for the area of a circle?

That's another easy one.

That's pi R-squared.

Very good, hey, I'm surprised.

Now, who said, "Get thee to a nunnery?"

Another easy one.

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing, what?

What is this?

I'm cheating, what does it look like I'm doin'?

You know, Vinnie, we skipped a whole lunch period

just to help you here.

I know, I know that, you're helping me

but I'm practicing, I'm practicin' cheatin'.

Come on, Vin, let's go, let's wash this stuff

off your hands and feet.

Well, you're gonna have to give me shower.

Look at this.

What a strange place to put the Monroe doctrine.

You want to see the Louisiana purchase?

- Hi, guys. - How you doing?

What are you doing here, you're missing your favorite subject.

Lunch.

Who's hungry, we're trying to help

Vinnie study.

Vinnie, haven't you been studying

for the last week?

Oh, yeah, I know it like the back of my hand.

What's going on here?

Gentlemen.

Uh...

- Mr. Horshack. - Yes, Mr. Washington.

Will you like to join me for a bite of lunch?

Oh, that sounds like a capital idea!

- Yeah, yeah. - Hear, hear.

- There, there. - Where, where.

Shall we say the school cafeteria?

Oh, that's a novel idea, Mr. Epstein!

Lovely, lovely.

We'll start with the pate de garbage.

Quite right, quite right.

Why haven't you been studying all week?

Well, I was gonna wait till tonight

so you could help me.

I can't help you tonight, I gotta help Julie.

Oh, of course you can help me tonight.

That's how I had it planned.

Vinnie, I don't care what you planned.

Tonight, you're on your own, I have to be

with my family.

That's final.

Look, Mr. Kotter, you may not believe this or not

but I would trade my face for your brains right now.

I'd trade my body too, but I need it

for the weekends.

Well, Barbarino.

You, uh, ready to fail a test tomorrow?

Mr. Woodman, why don't you go take a couple days off

and go hang gliding?

It's good weather for it, no wind.

There's no chance, Barbarino.

Oh, incidentally, just to be on the safe side

I'm making up a brand new test.

This'll be a breeze for Barbarino.

You do know the bylaws to the constitution

of Costa Rica, don't you?

How ya doin', Kotter?

See that? See what he does to me?

I don't know nothing about Costa Rica

I've never even seen the movie.

[babies crying]

Okay, girls, now here's the deal.

You can either go to sleep

or you can wash the dishes.

[crying stops]

I knew you'd take the easy way out.

[knock on door]

Shh!

Hey, how you doin', Mrs. Kotter?

Alright, bring him in, bring him in!

I'm scared to ask, but what's wrong with Vinnie?

You know anything about psychology?

- Yeah, a little. - Well, it ain't gonna help.

It's got nothing to do with psychology.

It's purely mental.

This man is a victim of overstudy.

Notice the swollen cranial area.

Thirty-six hours with his nose in a book.

Notice the crease in his nose.

His brain is on its last leg.

Sounds serious.

Must be, he's not laughing.

What are you guys doing?

We're trying to get this man back to his rightful station.

To give him back the cloak of respectability.

Maybe he left his cloak at the station.

- Maybe. - A possibility.

- Maybe not. - Vinnie.

Vinnie.

Vinnie.

Vinnie, what's your problem?

Mr. Kotter wouldn't help me study

so I had to study by myself.

Now my brain hurts.

Hi, honey.

What's going on here?

I think that Vinnie's mental circuits are overloaded.

Couldn't be, they're not even plugged in.

I don't feel so good.

Look what's happening, the kid's havin' a relapse.

- Oh, hold on, Vinnie. - Oh.

What do you guys want me to do?

Take the test for Vinnie?

Would you?

Oh, Mr. Kotter.

All I gotta do, I give you my jacket, right?

Straighten out your hair.

Maybe we'll have to take your mustache off

and you could miss a couple questions

that way they'd know that you was me.

Vinnie, go home and study.

Come on, Mr. Kotter, you gotta help me!

You gotta help me!

I'm gonna help you through the door

and then you're gonna go home

and you're gonna study.

Oh.

Mr. Kotter.

These are not the words of a gracious host.

You know, I ain't never seen you like this.

Yep. The times, they are a changin'.

Yes, they are a changin'.

Let me try and make you guys understand this.

I have a wife and two babies.

You guys are only part of my life.

Not all of it.

Come on, let's go, we're not wanted here.

Well, I had to do it, I mean...

Well, you did it.

I know I did it.

But I had to do it, I mean, I was right.

I was right, and I did it.

Yep. You know what you also did?

You topped Woodman on their "Least Wanted" list.

I had to do it, I was right, wasn't I?

I mean, it was the right thing to do.

I was doing the right thing when I did it, wasn't I?

I was right.

I had to do it, and I did it

and I was right.

Yes, Gabe, you were right.

I think you just may have gone a little bit too far.

I went a little bit too far?

Julie, I haven't heard you say that

since we were dating.

I haven't had to.

Look, okay, what I did was right.

Maybe I did it in the wrong way.

- But I was right, right? - It was right.

Yo-ho, Mr. Kotter!

Your conversation is very confusing

to those of us out here.

See, what I think

I think you did it wrong, but, uh

you said it right, right?

No, I think he said it wrong but he did it right, right?

Oh.

Never mind all that.

Well, we're here to forget the past.

We want you to give Vinnie another chance.

I didn't even want to come back here.

I think it is totally undignified.

Well, anyway, me and my boys

we talked it all over.

So, uh, would you like

to hear our plan?

- No. - Okay. Good.

Now, you go and help Vinnie study.

We'll stay here and help Mrs. Kotter

and the babies.

Are you guys crazy?

Yes.

I think you should go.

Look, Julie's ri...

You do?

What happened to the lady that, uh

didn't want to hear the word "Sweathog?"

She'll be back.

This is an emergency.

I think you should go, Vinnie really needs your help.

The guys will give me a hand.

Julie, what about, uh...

Don't worry about the babies, they'll be fine.

Okay.

I'll help Vinnie.

But while you guys are here, you stay away

from anything that moves.

Does that include the laundry?

I think I just saw it take a step

toward the door.

Ha-ha, Horshack.

Okay, come on, Vinnie, let's go.

Alright, now... now what do you want to do first?

You want to go to a movie or have some dinner or what?

Vinnie, we're not going on a date.

What's the matter, I ain't good enough for you?

Now look, Mrs. Kotter, you just sit right here

you relax your bones, the boys

are gonna take care of everything.

- That's right. - No problem.

Arnold, help me fold that laundry up.

Certainly, Frederick.

Where do you want this stuff, Mrs. Kotter?

Okay, the pants will go in this pile

and the sheets will go in that pile.

- Gotcha. - Alright, yeah.

Perfect.

Okay, Vinnie, so far, you're doing pretty good

now let's go on to the true/false questions.

Good, I like those.

True-true-false.

Come on, you can't answer the question

before it's asked.

True.

You keep this up, you're not gonna pass.

True!

Not taking this seriously.

False!

See now, I got three of them right in a row.

Forget about the true/false.

What is mitosis?

That's an easy one.

Mitosis is when the cells divide.

It's like, one part of the cell says

to the other part of the cell

"Look, it's been nice being with you

but I gotta split."

That's very close, Vinnie.

Now, what happens to the single cells

when they divide?

Well, the single cells go on their own

and they go out to single cell bars.

You had the general idea, now what causes mitosis

to occur?

Well, it's usually a fight over something little

like the one cell forgot to put the cap

on the toothpaste.

Okay, very good Vinnie, but for the test

just say cells divide, mitosis.

Okay, cells divide.

Oh, I thought I heard vandals.

What are you two doing here at this hour?

Just helping Vinnie brush up on the test.

How's it going?

Has he figured out how many N's in Vinnie yet?

I already knew that before.

I think Vinnie's gonna surprise you, Mr. Woodman,

he's really been cramming it in.

Oh, yeah?

Wait till you see what language

this test is in.

♪ Rock the boat rock the boat baby ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪

♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪

Y'all cool? You cool?

♪ Rock the boat ♪

♪ Rock the boat baby ♪

Hey, little Juan.

Little Juan, wake up, come on.

Our work ain't quite finished here.

Oh.

'scuse me, I thought I lived here.

You do, but if you don't feel at home

we can put back the rubble.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

How do you like what we did?

You guys did all this?

Incredible.

Oh, Mr. Kotter.

This evening, Arnold Horshack has learned

the joys and responsibilities of being a little mother.

I just hope that Vinnie worked as hard as we did.

Yeah, do you think he's gonna pass, Mr. Kotter?

Well, it's hard to say.

Wouldn't hurt, though, if you lit a candle

on your way home.

- See you later. - Yeah, see you later.

Bye-bye.

- Hey, uh, guys. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah, let's get out of here before he gets mushy.

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

Sleeping beauty, time to get up.

Hi, honey.

Must have fallen...

...this place is immaculate.

Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.

I didn't.

No.

That's right, we had three little elves

and you slept through the whole thing.

I couldn't... no, wait a minute.

The last thing I remember, they were sewing your pants

back together.

Well, I know it's a miracle, but...

...maybe the Sweathogs are growing up.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, that ain't fair

you gradin' my test while I'm still working on it.

Oh, is that what you're doing? I didn't know.

You know, these questions, they are so stupid.

I mean, this one about Whistler's Mother

why should I care about Whistler's Mother?

I ain't gonna date her.

Okay, that's time.

Pencils down.

Did you hear me?

Pencils down.

This is a pen.

You know what? I don't think I paced this much

when the twins were born.

Parade's over.

Clear the grounds.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, I know that Napoleon's

an emperor, but I got hungry

that's how I come up with the pastry.

Stop it, Barbarino, I'll take off two points

for groveling.

Mr. Woodman, how long is it gonna take you

to grade the test?

Oh, it's graded.

Already?

I like to stay on top of things.

And?

- And? - And?

Oh, by the way, Kotter, how are the twins doing

these days, I love 'em.

What does this have to do with the twins, how did Vinnie do?

It's embarrassing, Kotter.

It's very embarrassing.

He failed?

I should've come up with a tougher test.

He passed!

Alright, alright!

Alright, knock it off, he only made it

by one point, don't get so cocky.

Who would've guessed that he'd know

the meaning of mitosis?

Alright, Barbarino.

You're back in the Sweathogs.

Okay!

I'll see you tomorrow morning.

And don't be late.

Well, I'll see if I can put it in my schedule.

♪ He's a nice guy ♪

♪ He's a good guy ♪

♪ He's a nice guy ♪

♪ He's a good guy... ♪

Well, Mr. Woodman, tomorrow morning

is gonna be business as usual.

Unfortunately.

Let me see the test.

Why? You want to take it?

No, I just want to see it.

Come on!

This test is a very easy test, Mr. Woodman.

You wouldn't be turning into a nice guy, would you?

Nonsense, Kotter.

Don't ever let that get around.

Let's change the subject.

Why don't we say we go to a nice, uh

single-cell bar?

Honey, did I ever tell you I have two uncles

that live in Huntsville, Alabama?

No, what are their names?

Well, one's name is Elwood

and one's name is Arthur.

Elwood and Arthur?

That's right, they live about five miles apart.

So one day, my Uncle Elwood goes over

to see my Uncle Arthur.

He says, "How's things going, Artie?"

Artie says, "Not too good, I'm trying to sell

this here automobile here and no one wants to buy it."

said, "Well, how many miles you got on it?"

"142,000 miles."

Said, "Nobody's gonna buy a car

"with 142,000 miles on it, why don't you lower

that old speedometer, just lower it on down."

Goes back to see him about a week later.

He says, "Well, how'd you do, did you sell

that automobile?"

my Uncle Arthur says, "Why should I sell it?

It's only got 15,000 miles on it."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪