Original subtitles

What are you reading, honey?

Oh, this is a terrific book on reincarnation.

Hey, I ever tell you about my Aunt Brenda

who really believed in reincarnation?

[sighs] No, go ahead.

Well, my Uncle Sidney died about ten years ago

so she went to a seance to try to raise up his spirit

and she said, "Sidney...

Sidney, can you hear me, Sidney?"

He said, "Yeah, I hear you."

She said, "Sidney, how are you?"

"A lot better off than when I was with you."

"Sidney, what are you doing?"

He said, "My life is terrific.

"I wake up in the morning, have breakfast, and make love.

"Have lunch, then make love.

Have dinner, then make love."

She says, "Are you in heaven?"

He said, "No, I'm a bull in Montana."

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, what's up?

I have an announcement to make.

Me and Wendy are goin' steady.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Terrific! Congratulations!

Yeah, I just pinned her, best three out of five.

What a lovely couple.

Wendy's really happy, ain't ya?

Oh, I'm really happy, I am.

Yeah, but, um, did you pick up that lottery ticket?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Got it right here, got it right here.

Everybody cough up their quarter now.

- On the way. On the way. - Here's my money, little Juan.

Alright, best investment you ever made.

- Oh, Juan's right! - Yeah, yeah.

This week, we're really gonna hit the ole jackpot.

Oh, he's right, he's right.

Okay, okay, okay, you're right...

...but you said that last week.

Hey, but Juan was right last week.

That's right, I was right last week.

The people down at the lottery was wrong.

[laughing]

Good morning.

[indistinct chatter]

I can't believe it.

You guys are still throwing your money away on the lottery.

Uh, Mr. Kotter, I can feel it.

Look, this time we bought the million dollar ticket.

Let me tell you guys a little story.

[Arnold groaning]

When I was a young lad

I asked my Uncle Manny, the accountant

I said, "Manny, I want to have a lot of money."

He said, "Gabe, you want a million dollars?

There's only one way embezzle it."

Yeah.

You get it? He was an accountant.

[laughing]

wait, Mr. Kotter.

You see, um, our money

we ain't throwin' it away.

See, what we...

What we're doin' is we're buyin'

a piece of the dream.

We're buyin' a one-way ticket to the good life, you hear me?

To the good life!

I'm talkin' about fame and fortune.

What am I talkin' about?

[Arnold] You're talkin' about wealth.

I'm talkin' about wealth, that's what I'm talkin' about!

I'm talkin' about wealth, I wants to hear it in my head.

You're talkin' about power.

Power, power!

And wealth, and position

and a chance for the bettering of your soul!

Can I get a amen?

[cheering]

Can I get a amen?

Sit down.

That's good enough.

Okay, now, need I remind you people

that this is a classroom not a casino.

Oh.

No wonder why we ain't won nothing.

Sit down, sit down!

Okay, now, homework, I would like your homework

which covered the industrial revolution.

Please pass it to my right, which is your left

which is this way.

Look at me, look, look at me.

This way.

Oh, that way!

Did anyone visit Vinnie today at the hospital?

Who wants to visit a dying man?

He is not dying

he has just had his tonsils removed.

I gotta stop by and see Vinnie myself today.

I gotta tell him Woodman's gonna let him

take that make-up test.

If you're gonna go by the hospital

could you give this to Vinnie?

From all of us to all of him.

Oh, you got him a little something?

That's really nice of you people.

What is it?

It's a...

You know, it's a get well card.

Ooh!

This girl looks very healthy to me.

[laughing]

And, Mr. Kotter, could you put up

Vinnie's quarter for this week's lottery?

You want a quarter from me?

Are you people crazy?

I am the father of twins.

I do not have any extra quarters.

I'm saving them all for the tooth fairy.

He's gonna visit my house 64 times.

Now, come on, Mr. Kotter.

You know Vinnie, he gonna give it back to you.

Alright, look, if I give you people a quarter

can we get on with the lesson?

We are here to learn, Mr. Kotter-r-r-r-r-r.

Okay, here you go.

I got it!

Here you go, Vinnie.

Well, thank you, Vinnie, my man.

I knew you was good for the bread.

Alright, we will continue with today's lesson.

No more interruptions.

Sorry to interrupt, Kotter, I...

I just came by to pick up your monthly progress report.

- Where is it? - It's on the desk.

Ooh!

Mr. Woodman, that's not it.

[laughing]

Kotter, I thought you taught social studies, not anatomy.

What's the meaning of this?

That's not it, Mr. Woodman, that's a...

...get well card for Vinnie.

Oh, I see.

Well, uh, if you don't mind

I'll just take this back to my office

and add a few sentiments of my own.

[laughing]

It's shameful, Kotter.

It's... It's just shameful.

Isn't that a nice train?

Choo-choo.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.

Does teddy like the choo-choo?

Does he?

That's good.

Would teddy like to take a ride on the choo-choo?

No?

Teddy don't want to take a ride on the choo-choo?

Well, then maybe the choo-choo

should take a ride on teddy's face.

Vinnie, did they remove your tonsils or your brain?

Hey, welcome to the nursery.

Vinnie, listen, I got great news for you.

Mr. Woodman has decided to let you take the make-up test.

I got some homework I want you to do.

The test is gonna be a week from Wednesday.

Uh, I can't make it a week from Wednesday.

I got a date.

Listen, you've been driving me crazy for two weeks.

Take a make-up test, you want to get into the 11th grade.

Come on, they don't take babies in 11th grade.

I got a baby disease.

Vinnie, listen, a lot of adults have their tonsils removed.

Oh, yeah, well how come last night

the nurse had to come in and burp me?

If I know you, sailor

you probably tried to burp her first.

Well, even so...

Barbarino, now look--

Don't look at me, alright?

I just had a major operation.

Vinnie, get back in bed.

Carry me.

Vinnie!

Alright, Gabe.

Alright, listen.

I want you to do all this stuff here.

Start over here and you go all the way to the end.

By the way, you owe me a quarter.

Oh, now I gotta start payin' you to come visit me?

No, I put in your quarter for this week's lottery.

Oh, forget the lottery, forget it.

I've been tryin' the lottery for two years now.

I never won a dime.

You don't want it?

Nah, you keep it.

Vinnie-Winnie, guess what?

That's... That's the... That's the burping maniac.

Time for eatie-poo.

Oh, that's goodie.

Because you know what I had today?

I had a poached eggie, and I had toastie,

and I had jammie.

Well, for din-din,

you're having soupie and chickie

and cauliflowie.

Cauliflowie?

Can I, uh, talk to you a second?

Look, I know you're probably a highly-trained professional

but why are you treating him like a baby?

Why don't you, uh, treat him like a man?

Oh, I tried that.

Last night.

It, uh, took two orderlies to pull him off me.

Okay, listen, if you want to help

Mrs. Kotter with the babies

you're gonna have to learn about burping.

Hey, come on, you don't got to tell me about burping.

I mean, I can burp, you know, right on cue

you want to hear me?

N-n-no thanks, alright?

Go ahead, Wendy, continue.

Okay.

Look, place the baby on your shoulder

and pat it gently on the back, okay?

That's easy.

- So, what else is new? - Terrible!

You don't know nothin' about babies, give me that baby

let me show you how to burp this baby.

Come on, that's my baby.

It's my baby!

[screaming]

Boys, stop fightin'!

Boys!

Epstein, you keep the doll.

Washington, I'll buy you

a nice, little tea set to play with.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, we was just practicing

in case Mrs. Kotter needs some extra help.

Oh, I think Julie's quite capable

of handling Kotter on her own.

[laughing]

You get it, handling Kotter

burping Kotter, changing Kotter's diapers?

[laughing]

You people have no sense of humor.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, uh, Kotter.

They're practicing in case your wife

needs help changing you.

No more diaper rash, Kotter. Funny stuff, huh?

[laughing]

How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Woodman?

You're a cold person, Kotter.

You're a very cold person.

Oh, look, Epstein's got a nice doll.

Washington, maybe I'll buy you a nice, little tea set.

That's my joke, Kotter!

Vacation, Mr. Woodman.

Hey, you guys!

You guys, we won!

We won the lottery!

We won a million bucks? A million bucks?

Well, not exactly

but we made it to the semi-finals

and so far we've won a thousand dollars!

We're thousandaires!

We won, I don't believe it, we won, we won!

"We," Mr. Kotter?

Us.

No, no, no, no, no.

Us.

Little Juan and big Freddie

and me, and let us not forget Vincent.

Yeah, well, you see, when I went to the hospital, Vinnie...

Congratulations.

Come on, let's go over to the hospital, huh?

This is really gonna cheer Vinnie up.

Oh, he's gonna be so happy!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Gabe, I could use a little help out here.

- Be right in. - Okay.

I need help changing a baby, not delivering one.

Germs, you want me to give the girls germs?

Mine's dry.

Mine's not.

Gabe.

How come I always get the wet one?

Oh, she's just showing off for daddy.

We got to break her of this habit before she starts dating.

Honey, what are you gonna do about Vinnie's lottery ticket?

Well, I told you.

Technically, legally, morally, the money's mine.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Give it all to Vinnie.

Are you sure that's the right thing?

Julie, you're not suggesting...

- Honey-- - I don't believe it.

She's wet again.

I'm simply suggesting that if you hand the money

over to Vinnie, you're just gonna be rewarding him

for breaking an agreement, that's all.

You're all wet!

I am not.

[laughing]

Julie, I was talking to the baby.

Oh!

[knock on door]

You get that, I'll change her.

Go ahead.

Oh, hi, Arnold.

Hi, Mr. Kotter!

Mrs. Kotter!

Oh, the little ba...

Oh!

I was supposed to bring over Vinnie's homework.

Well, where is it?

I was supposed to tell you that I got held up

by the homework mugger.

Was I supposed to believe it?

Oh, Mr. Kotter

you shoulda seen Vinnie's face

when we told him about winning the lottery ticket.

He was so excited, he dropped his nurse.

Arnold, at, uh, 3 o'clock

Mr. Kotter stops being teacher and starts being daddy.

Oh, I see, Mrs...

I understand, say not another word.

Daddy!

[laughing]

Vinnie was transformed, just like a new man

full of plans for the future.

He is even thinking of starting

the Vincent Barbarino home for the incurably sexy.

I don't believe it

didn't Vinnie say anything to you about, uh...

...about anything?

We talked about a lot of things

but we didn't talk about anything.

Hey, I gotta go.

They're havin' a big sale over at Corvette's...

on slight irregulars.

This may come as a shock to you, Mr. Kotter

but I am slightly irregular.

[Arnold laughing]

Well, what are you gonna do?

You know, I don't believe Vinnie.

I mean, at least he could have waited

until I gave him the money before he started to spend it.

Honey, you know, that money is rightfully yours.

We could use it.

Oh, come on, we'd just waste it on luxuries.

Yeah.

Like food.

And clothes for the babies.

Hey, I have an idea about that.

Why don't we just buy one set of clothes and Xerox it?

I tell you what, I'll go see Vinnie.

Okay, that's a good idea.

You know what's amazing, Julie?

In this day and age, you can still get such a bargain.

What do you mean?

For 25 cents, look at all the aggravation I bought.

Oh, that's nice.

Listen, doll

if you do that hand as well as you did this hand

I might buy you that ring I promised you.

Good afternoon.

Gabriel, my boy!

How nice of you to drop by.

Care for a bonbon?

Nurse, could you leave us alone for a while?

I think this might get messy.

Alright.

I'll be back for the mudpack at five, V.R.B.

V.R.B?

Yeah, I'm gonna buy me a middle initial.

It's real classy-like.

You know, Vinnie, I think it's really nice

that you're spending my money like it was yours.

Your money?

Yeah, don't you remember?

I bought your share of the lottery this week.

Oh, I got... I got that quarter for you right here.

That's no problem.

How are the twins?

Are they housebroken yet or what?

Vinnie, we're talking about something

a lot more important than money.

What?

Your word.

Oh, my word ain't worth nothin'.

It ain't worth a dime.

Ask anybody.

Vinnie!

Come on, Mr. Kotter

I've been in this two years already.

You're just startin' out

I got a bigger investment than you.

Alright, alright, alright.

Take the robe, I hate it, it itches.

Go on, it's your money.

That's what I wanted to hear you say.

Okay, vin.

I tell you what we'll do.

We'll split everything right down the middle

50-50, what do you say?

Who gets the 50?

We both do, partners.

Oh, partners-like.

Oh, that's good.

Hey, we gotta celebrate.

I know, I know, I got something for you.

I got something for you, you're gonna love this.

You're gonna love this.

Look at that, check it out.

What's this?

That's my homework.

This is your homework?

I was sick!

Just think, in only two magical minutes

the lowly poor will become the hearty rich!

Don't become so hearty yet, Arnold, we haven't won.

[knock on door]

Come on in, Epstein.

Hey, Juan.

Sit down.

Epstein, what's that satchel for?

It's for the money.

What am I gonna do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?

Hey, Juan, um, they gonna give us a check.

Oh, no, I don't take checks, checks bounce.

This one's gonna be from New York State.

Especially those.

Well, uh, I finally decided

what I'm gonna do with my fortune.

Oh, yeah? What?

Well, you see, I'm real tired

of seein' my poor mama breakin' her back

year after year

puttin' all that old, dirty laundry

on that old clothesline.

Oh, that's nice, Freddie, you're gonna buy her

like a washer and dryer?

No, I was gonna buy her a new clothesline.

How about yourself?

Me, I'm happy, I don't need anything.

I got a job I really love

a beautiful wife, two terrific new babies.

I'm happy.

Well, should be just about time, huh?

[man on TV] And now the million dollar moment is here.

Come on, I need the money!

[man on TV] All the names and numbers of the finalists

are in this bowl.

We're ready, pop.

Just drop it right in here, and remember

no pennies!

[man on TV] I wish you all good luck.

I am now dipping my hand into the bowl.

Don't dip it.

Shove it down deep.

Deeper! Deeper!

I'm sorry.

[man on TV] I have the name in my hand. Juan...

[screaming]

[man on TV] I can't make out his last name.

Epstein! Juan Epstein!

E-P-S-T-E-I-N, Epstein!

[man on TV] It's ep-something.

Come on, say it!

[screaming]

[man on TV] Ep... Ep...

Eppinger.

Juan Eppinger.

You, Juan Eppinger, have won a million dollars.

That's me.

I won.

I am Juan Eppinger.

Don't let the "Epstein" fool ya.

It was a family name, we changed it

when we first came to this country.

- Epstein, it's alright. - I've got documents.

I've got papers!

Epstein goes all the way back to the Dead Sea Scrolls!

Epstein, take it easy.

Take it easy.

It's alright, we won $250 each.

Take it easy, it's alright.

Just check the Dead Sea Scrolls.

- It's okay. - Check the Dead Sea Scrolls.

We came close, huh?

So, what, I mean, who needs a million dollars?

Listen, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Eddie?

He was a thief, you know, he wanted a million dollars

wanted to rob a bank, you know, train...

Never made it, was always a small-time crook.

In fact, one time he was walkin' down the streets

in New York City, you know, with his girlfriend

and he saw a diamond bracelet in the window

and his girlfriend said... Listen, this is funny.

His girlfriend said, "Eddie, could you get me that bracelet?"

So he takes a brick, throws it through the window

and grabs the bracelet.

[mock laughing]

Then they're walkin', they keep walkin'

she sees a big fur coat in the window.

She says, "Eddie, could you get me that fur coat?"

he takes a brick, throws it through the window

gets her the fur coat.

[mock laughing]

Then they're walking through the most expensive store

on 5th avenue, right?

And she sees a beautiful dress

and she says, "Eddie, could you get me that dress?"

and he looks at her and says

"What do you think, I'm made out of bricks?"

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you... ♪♪