Original subtitles

Julie, what are you doing?

Why are you bending down?

Do you want the baby to be born with a bad back?

Hey, Vinnie. Vinnie, Vinnie.

Now, come on, you don't want to be late

on the first day of school, now, do you?

I can't go in there, I got left back.

[Mr. Woodman] Now, hear this.

All hands on deck.

Notify the captain his wife is having a baby.

Bouncing babies.

Twins?

Girls. Girls, Gabe!

[laughs] Twins.

The mother and daughters are doing fine.

[cheering]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

That was the dullest story I ever heard.

Dull.

It was boring!

You know, you should be charged with P.D.

Premeditated dullness.

Alright, cork it, clowns.

Teaching this class is about as much fun as root canal work.

I thought all the roots to your canal

dried up a long time ago.

[laughing]

See, Epstein, that statement is like your existence.

It has no meaning.

Mr. Woodman.

Allow me to clarify little Juan's statement.

His reference to your roots and your canals

was merely his little way of saying you look old.

And dried up.

Sit down.

This is what I get for giving Kotter the afternoon off

to take his wife and babies home from the hospital.

While you're being Mr. Nice guy, you know, why don't you

let Barbarino back in this class, huh?

With the rest of us guys?

When Barbarino improves his grades

I'll let him take the make-up test.

Until then, he stays where he is.

What's the matter with you, you out of Geritol or what?

Oh, why didn't Kotter let those babies take a cab home?

[bell ringing]

Wait a minute!

Not before me, feebs.

Yes, now look.

I know this is not what you're used to.

But it's gonna have to do for now.

And no complaints or daddy will make you chip in for the rent.

There you go.

Okay, alright. Okay.

Julie, you okay? You look a little tired.

I am tired, honey, I don't know why, though

I had my usual week.

I did the laundry, I picked up the cleaning

I gave birth to twins...

- Go ahead, sit down. - Okay.

Okay, girls.

Now.

You each got your own cribs.

When I was your age, I didn't have my own crib.

I want you to follow the rules.

Don't let anybody get near your safety pins on the first date.

Be home by 10:00 every night.

And there'll be no trouble.

Honey. You know, we can't put this off any longer.

We have been arguing for months.

What are we going to name the babies?

Well, what's wrong with This One and That One?

Too common.

Come on, we've got to agree on something and just do it.

Well, you didn't like my last suggestions. Ethel and Lucy.

Yeah, that's a great idea, and then I'll call you Ricky

and you can call me Fred!

Let's just, let's name one after your mother

one after my mother.

- Now, that's a good idea. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, you can be Mrs. Kotter.

And you can be Mrs. Hanson.

What's wrong with Rachel and Robin?

[baby crying]

There's your answer.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you now?

Look at daddy.

♪ Doo dee do do do... ♪♪

Look at silly daddy.

[knock on door]

Oh, no.

What do you want, Julie, we had five uninterrupted minutes.

Vinnie.

I'm surprised you remembered my name.

Come in.

So, these are the babies, huh?

They're cute.

You know, I don't even know, if I was really not

a very good-looking baby. I really wasn't.

I had the-I had the kind of face you had to grow into.

Makes perfect sense.

Yeah, I mean, it's the old grow into your face syndrome.

[Julie] Mm-hmm.

Thanks for complimenting the babies.

Yeah, well, that's enough talk about your babies

I mean, they're beautiful kids and everything worked out

terrific just like I told you it would, didn't I?

Nice day, the sun is shining right?

People in Montana to make milk.

People in Switzerland, they're making cheese

which is very nice.

People in Paris are makin' love

which is also very nice.

But nobody, nobody cares about Vinnie Barbarino.

[clears throat] Vinnie.

If you were making love in Paris

would you be caring about Vinnie Barbarino?

Well, you got a point there, but that don't excuse the people

in Montana and Switzerland.

Vinnie, listen, I'll try and do what I can with Woodman

but you're gonna have to let us get settled first, okay?

We'll see you later.

Alright, look, look, I've been selling points

all my life, right?

Goodbye, babies.

Goodbye, Mrs. Kotter.

[Julie] Bye.

I have to make Woodman to give him the make-up test.

Hey, look girls, daddy's back.

Look at daddy.

[knock on door]

Go away!

Nobody's home!

Look, Vinnie, I told you I'll do something about it.

Now go away!

Julie's mother and father.

- Wow! - What?

- Ah. - Come on in.

Mom!

[laughing]

Dad, I'm glad to see you.

Come on in, good to see you, wow.

Hey, I'm sorry about what I said at the door.

I-I thought you were the Sweathogs.

Uh, that-that's my students, Barbarino.

Why didn't you call and tell us you were coming?

Oh, did you think we'd leave our little girl alone

with two brand new babies?

I was never keen about leaving her alone with you.

Ah, so these are the little angels.

Oh, lookie there, mama.

They have your eyes.

Oh and your nose, papa.

You see any of me in there a little bit, huh?

Yes, I do, but let's hope they'll grow out of it.

Julie, they're beautiful children!

I'm so proud of you.

You did a wonderful job.

Oh, thanks, but Gabe had a little to do with it, too.

Really?

Just needlin' you Gabe, just needlin' ya.

Ah, well, come sit down.

Well, what's happening back home?

Mm, I don't know.

We're not there.

[laughing]

Yeah, I know you're not there.

How were things when you were there?

Big changes, Julie. Big.

Nothing ever changes in rural Nebraska.

Maybe something exciting happened

like the rooster overslept.

Oh, hey, that's a good one, Gabe.

[laughing]

By golly, I'm starved. Let's eat.

Ah, I'm sorry, but we weren't prepared.

Well, we are.

Here you go.

Good old Nebraska produce, huh.

There, finest corn there is.

- Julie, look at all that stuff. - Gosh.

Wow, I'm glad you're not a cattle rancher.

Yet another good one, Gabe.

Come on, son, give me a hand with this.

Yes, sir, we sure did bring you the very finest.

Yes, there's baby peas, young Lima beans

and tender golden niblets.

Baby peas, young Lima beans, and tender golden niblets.

Ho-ho-ho.

Are you alright, Gabe?

Oh, sure, everything's fine in the valley.

[knock on door]

I'll get it, I'll get it, honey, sit down, I'll get it.

Okay.

♪ Hello ♪♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

[Julie] Come on in. Come on in and meet my parents.

Mr. and Mrs. Hanson, these are Gabe's students.

A pleasure, you got a great daughter there.

- How are you doing, miss lady? - How do?

How do you do?

Oh, and here's the little babies.

Yes, the infants Kotter.

Hey, wait a minute. They ain't infants.

They twins.

Oh, Mr. Kotter.

Are they fraternal or identical?

Well, when they grow up we're gonna let them

make up their own minds.

[laughing]

Come on, they're sleeping. Come, come.

Shh.

- Sorry babies. - Bye, babies.

[wheezy laughing]

They sure grow 'em different out here.

Hey, papa, are they staying for dinner, too?

- Yes! - No!

Well, the eyes have it.

We're gonna do like we do on the farm.

If you wanna eat, you gotta help.

So that means you got to shell the peas

and you got to fetch the water and you

you gotta shuck the corn.

Well, how about if he shucks the water

and I fetch the corn?

Yeah, Epstein was always better at fetching than shucking.

Sure, honey.

Are you really a farmer?

I sure am. I got a dozen goats back on the farm

that call me "boss."

Have you ever been to a locust plague?

Julie, you know, I really like your parents

but it's gonna be very crowded around here.

They're gonna go to a hotel, aren't they?

Hotel? I wouldn't think of it.

We're all gonna pitch in together

why, there's too much to do around here.

Feedin' the young ones, wrestlin' up grub

and keepin' the corn fresh.

Now I know why John Boy left the Waltons.

Ah, that's a really good one, Gabe!

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Shh. Shh.

♪ Old man Kotter had a farm ee-eye ee-eye-oh ♪

♪ And on his farm he had a cow ee-eye ee-eye-oh ♪

♪ With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there moo moo ♪♪

Ahh!

We're just trying to make you feel at home.

Home.

Home all week has been a Nebraska State Fair.

Hey, look, guys.

You gotta help me. I got a problem.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, this is wonderful.

You coming to us for help.

First, pass your homework to the left.

Alright, listen.

My in-laws have been at my house now for five days.

I mean, I like them, they're nice people

but I can't do anything.

I-I can't get near my babies.

I can't get near my wife.

I'm sleeping on the fire escape.

I can't take it anymore.

It's driving me cr-crazy.

Okay, Kotter, you got it.

Got what?

Don't worry. It'll be taken care of.

We have this friend in the Bronx.

He owes us a favor.

I just want them to leave.

They will.

Permanently.

Well, will you stop kiddin' around?

I just want to get 'em out of my house and back to Nebraska.

Then Mr. Kotter, you must be kind and gentle

and dignified and tactfully tell 'em to get out.

I can't do that, Arnold, they're my wife's parents.

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter, uh, pretend

pretend that I'm your father-in-law.

It's a little bit of a stretch, isn't it?

Shuck the corn, Gabe, a-hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!

Tactfully ask them to leave?

[Freddie] Alright.

Mr. Hanson, I really appreciate

you and mama coming out here, I mean, to help us

in our time of need.

But I think that Julie and I are capable

of handling it by ourselves now.

So we'd really like to thank you for coming

and you can go.

Wouldn't think of it, Gabe, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.

You're right, it's not gonna work.

It's not.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, man, you know what to do, man?

You got to, you got to get down with it.

You know what I'm talking about, man, I mean you got to be hip.

You got be clever, I mean, they ain't gonna

expect that from you.

You know, try it.

Okay, just check it out. Just check me out.

Imma show you how it's supposed to be done, alright.

This is how you gotta handle it with

them peoples.

Alright, daddy-in-law and mommy-in-law

I want y'all to go away today 'cause me and my old lady

are gonna play, so, yay.

You don't seriously expect me to do that?

[chuckles] No.

Lookie here, Mr. Kotter.

You just listen to old Juan Epstein.

What you gotta do is

you gotta go for the throat, see?

And then, and then you drive 'em into the ground, see?

And then you make 'em eat it.

You show no mercy!

And if that don't work

you just gotta get rough with them.

Maybe you're right.

Ah, Juan Epstein's always right.

Maybe I should get tough.

You listen to me, Mr. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Go back to Nebraska and fertilize it!

Get out of Brooklyn!

Leave me, my wife, my babies

'cause they're mine, not yours!

I don't want any farm-fresh vegetables.

I want frozen, I want canned

I want processed everything...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Wait! - It's okay.

Hey, hey, hey, save it for ma and pa kettle, alright?

I'm sorry.

I went away for a while, but now I'm back.

- Come on, let's go do it. - Okay. Right on.

- Alright, where are they? - Shh, shh, shh.

They're in the cribs. Shh.

They're in the cribs?

I mean your parents, where are your parents?

Oh, they're on their way to the airport.

Why, they don't sell broccoli at the airport.

'Cause they're going back to Nebraska.

- Why? - Because they live there.

They left?

Uh-huh.

Well, how come they didn't say goodbye to me?

Oh, honey.

They were on standby for three days.

They finally got a flight out. They had to take it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Here, they left a note for you.

"Dear Gabe, hope you don't mind the imposition.

"For a city boy, you're not bad.

"Thoughtful, generous, and the best husband

"we could wish for our daughter, Julie.

Love and kisses, mom and dad."

- That's nice. - Yeah.

- You know what's nicer? - What?

I don't have to sleep on the fire escape.

[knock on door]

Oh.

Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming.

Oh-ho, you did it, huh?

You drove them out of here?

Mission accomplished, huh?

Well, guys...

...man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Thanks for your help.

You know, we really would love to ask you to stay

but the old man and I would like to spend just

a little time alone, you understand, don't you?

Yeah, but before we split, we just want to give

the babies theirs presents.

Oh, you got the babies pre...

You didn't have to do that, guys.

See, I told ya we didn't have to do that!

Hi there.

Hi, babies, hi, hey.

Welcome to Earth.

I'm Uncle Freddie.

Got you all a nice little present here and I hope it fits.

Freddie.

Freddie, where did you get these hats?

Oh, them hats, they used to belong to my brother Leroy.

Had 'em ever since he was born.

He was a very flashy baby.

See, he used to wear this one during the week

and this one was for Sundays.

I, too, have a littlie gift

for the little babies, Mrs. Kotter.

This was my rocking horse.

I think I could part with it now.

Thank you, Arnold.

Goodbye, Pepper.

I got a little something here from old Juan Epstein.

Here you are.

Yeah, yeah, this here's my sister's old tiny Tim doll.

But you gotta be careful, see, 'cause she don't cry anymore.

She just leaks.

Thank you very much, Juan.

Thank you guys, really, it's really nice of you.

Well, Mrs. Kotter, we gonna be splittin'

shovin' off, you know, check y'all out later on, babies.

- Hey. - Mrs. Kotter, be cool.

- Thanks for the presents, huh? - Hey, no problem.

Don't do anything funny in front of the babies.

Bye-bye.

I don't believe it, we're alone at last.

Yep. Just the four of us.

Just think of it, Julie, a whole night

with nothing to do but feed the babies.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

No.

You don't think it could be your parents.

I mean, the flight couldn't have been cancelled

could it, I mean, overbooked?

Nebraska's not closed on Thursdays, is it?

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, what are you doing here?

I just came by to offer my condolences

to your daughters on their choice of...

On their choice of father.

I brought you this.

Oh, thanks, you didn't have to do that.

I know, I'm just an old softie.

Oh, you don't have to open it now, it's just a little

something I picked up last winter

at a vice principals convention.

Ah.

So these are the babies.

No, no, that's the laundry, the babies are in the hamper.

Hiya, babies.

Goo-goo-goo.

I love babies, Kotter, just love 'em.

Can I pick one up, Julie?

[cleats throat] Do you know how?

Well, of course, I never told you this

but during the second world war, I was a nurse's aide.

[baby cooing]

Okay, Mr. Woodman.

Here we go, but be very careful.

Here's Uncle Woody.

I love babies, Kotter.

Just love 'em.

Hi, baby.

Mr. Woodman, thanks for the gifts you gave the babies.

That really wasn't necessary.

Why not, Kotter?

I'm a classy guy.

Hey, would you like to be a really classy guy

and give their father a present, too?

Now you want a puka shell rattle, too?

No, I'd like you to give Vinnie a make-up test.

Alright, but if he fails by one point

he stays in the tenth grade.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Woodman, I really appreciate it.

Hey, did I ever tell ya about my uncle who spent

three years in the tenth grade?

[clears throat]

Kotter.

I'll buy gifts for your babies.

I'll even let Barbarino take a make-up test.

But I will not, absolutely not listen

to one of your uncle jokes.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪