Original subtitles

[Gabe narrating] On the last episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter..."

Okay, your contractions start, you time them.

When they're four minutes apart you call me.

Uh-huh.

If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

Heya, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie!

Now, come on, you don't wanna be late on the first day of school

now do you?

I can't go in there, I got left back.

Vinnie, Vinnie, that's not why I'm going to the hospital!

Why not?

Haven't you noticed that I've... Put on a little weight lately?

Yeah, that's on account of, you know?

Yeah.

You're ready to do that right now?

Yeah.

[Mr. Woodman over PA] Now here this, all hands on deck, notify the captain

his wife is having a baby.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Now, look, now you don't worry about nothing, alright?

I'm gonna take care of everything here

you just go have your baby and relax, alright?

Okay, thanks, Vinnie.

Name?

Vinnie Barbarino.

Barbarino, Vinnie... And the mother's name?

The mother's name?

Uh, Maria Theresa Angelina Barbarino.

And her age?

Oh, she'll say 38, but you better put down 40

alright?

Okay, and uh, what month is this for her?

What month is this for her?

The same month that it is for you and me.

No-no-no-no-no-no, I mean, how many months

has mother been pregnant?

Who said my mother was pregnant?

I'll break his face.

My mother ain't been pregnant since she had me.

Then she figured, why tamper with success?

I'm not talking about your mother, Mr. Barbarino.

Well, you better not talk about my mother.

Uh, Mr. Barbarino, would you mind if we just

started at the beginning?

Alright, the beginning, alright this is what happened, right?

Mr. Woodman leaves me back, right, cause I missed this test

that I was supposed to make up, alright?

So, I get upset, I got to Mr. Kotter

I say, "Help me," alright?

So he says, "I can't help you Vinnie."

so I go, I go to Mrs. Kotter's house...

Uh, Mr. Barbarino, uh, hold it, time out.

I would just like the name of the pregnant woman

that was wheeled down the hall a few moments ago.

That's what I was getting to, that's Mrs. Kotter

that's all part of the story I was gonna tell you this.

Splendid, "Mrs. Kotter?"

Mrs. Kotter, yeah.

And who is Mr. Kotter?

Well that... that's my teacher.

What?

Alright, he's my ex-teacher now.

Well, given what you've done I'm not surprised.

Uh, excuse me?

I'm Mr. Kotter.

I know who you are.

Now, now Mr. Kotter, I know how you

and your associates here must feel, but please no trouble

I mean these things are best handled within the law.

What are you talking about?

I don't care what you're talking about.

- Where's my wife? - She's in a labor room.

"Labor room?"

They're making her work at a time like this?

Where's the labor room?

It's down the hall that way.

Thank you.

Hi there.

This must be your first.

My first what?

First baby.

Baby!

Hey, come on now, little Arnold here just reached puberty.

Yeah, it happened a week ago when I was watching

"American Bandstand."

My voice suddenly changed from "Ooh, ooh-ooh,"

to "Ooh, ooh-ooh!"

Well then, this kids stuff is a snap.

This is my eighth.

Eighth, yeah.

It's nice to see ya out of the house.

Well... here we are.

It worked.

So, this is what it's like to be a grown up.

Oh, ooh, ooh!

Julie, Julie, you okay?

Uh-huh, fine, uh, ooh!

You don't sound so fine.

Ooh, ooh!

[panting]

This is no time to be doing Arnold Horshack imitations.

Come on, sit up.

Look, you sure this natural childbirth thing

is a good idea?

Of course it's a good idea.

I don't know, I mean, you know, it's still not too late

to change your mind, what do you think?

And do what?

Have an unnatural childbirth?

It's not too late, if you want an anesthetic, you know?

They'll give you one, if you can't use it, uh

they'll give it to me.

Honey, relax.

I'm relaxed, I'm relaxed, I'm just a little tense.

It's okay, you know it takes a strong man

to be this open and sensitive.

- It does? - Uh-huh.

And I can really feel your love, honey.

You can?

Yeah, you're gonna be a wonderful father.

Oh, thank you, honey, that's really sweet of you to say that.

Now, can you say it one more time about this strong

and sensitive and this time...

Now, now, now, that's how we got here in the first place.

Oh, Dr. Melman, how're ya doing?

- How are ya? - How are ya, doctor?

Well, now then, let's see how we're doing here.

Incidentally Julie, did I ever tell you

Gabe was one of the first babies I ever delivered.

Yeah, but don't worry, I'm a lot better at it now.

Oh, we're getting closer!

Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Hi there!

You mind if I come in?

No, wait a minute, I'm sorry, but this is only for members

of the immediate family.

It's okay, doctor, you see I'm the cousin

they don't talk about.

You see, I'm the white sheep of the family.

Oh, a kidder?

It's alright, I like a kidder.

Freddie, uh, I think you better wait outside.

No, no, it's okay, come on in Freddie.

Oh, this ain't gonna take long, 'cause I know you all

got a lotta things to do, but um...

...this is from all of the guys to you, Mrs. Kotter.

Thank you, Freddie, how nice!

- That was really nice of you. - Oh, think nothing of it.

Honey, why don't you read the card?

The card, what a minute, what card?

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, don't touch the card!

"Dear, Manny, good luck with your kidney stones."

Freddie.

Hey, look, it's alright, Mr. Kotter, I mean, I mean

a guy, a guy doesn't need flowers just because

his kidneys got stoned.

See you later, Freddie.

Yeah, see ya later.

Oh, you going, huh?

White sheep.

So long, kidder.

Well, boy and girl, let's go have a baby.

Alright, be very careful, guys

this is the only wife I have, alright?

Don't worry.

Don't worry, we haven't dropped anyone all day.

- Take it easy! - This your first time?

Yeah it is.

Oh, my God, our first baby.

We're really going through with it!

You know something, honey?

I'm a little scared.

Don't worry, Julie, everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, did I ever tell you the story about the...

...man who loved his wife very much?

Yeah, I like that one.

I'm glad to say I know it.

Are you cryin'?

No, I...

I just had an onion sandwich.

Julie, I love you very much.

I'll see you later.

You'll see us later.

Hey, nurse, I wanna make a complaint about this here

vending machine!

Did you use the correct change?

Yeah, I just lost a good dime slug and nickel slug.

Why did I ever leave intensive care?

It was always so nice and quiet there.

Bet you liked that, huh?

Anybody gives you any trouble, you just pull the old plug

on 'em, huh?

Well, there is another vending machine in the lobby.

Oh, and if that one doesn't work, why don't you try

our sister hospital in Burma!

Hey, Vinnie, how do we get to Burma?

- Burma? - Yup.

Let's see now, how do you get to Burma, I know that.

You see, you gotta take the D train to the Bronx

and transfer there.

Or, wait, maybe it's the A train.

I forget, I used to know that, but I... I forget.

Oh, you guys aren't you all excited?

Excited, why did you see a cute nurse, or what?

I love those white stockings where you can see the...

Hey, Epstein, that number with the flowers

that went over pretty big.

Hey, why don't you check in with that dude Manny, you know

that cat with them stoned kidneys?

I think somebody sent him some chocolate turtles.

Yeah, yeah, eh that's a good idea

I mean he doesn't need that junk anyway, you know?

The sugar, it rots you out inside.

Hey, Arnold, let's go to the lobby, huh?

♪ Lets all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Lets all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Lets all go to the lobby ♪

♪ To have ourselves a treat ♪♪

Yeah!

Where'd those guys go, the lobby?

How are ya doing?

Okay, okay, thanks for coming, Freddie, Vinnie.

Hey, what's with that guy over there?

I think he od'd on fatherhood.

Look, I gotta talk to him in private, like, alright?

- Oh, no problem. - Alright.

I wanna talk to you.

Um, I'm really glad about what happens, you know?

Mrs. Kotter and everything, it's all really turned out

cool and everything, alright?

- Thanks a lot, Vinnie. - That's good.

Uh, but there are more important things going on in life too

you know?

Like me getting left back, I mean that's a big problem.

Vinnie, do you really think I can concentrate

on anything else other than what's going on

in that delivery room?

Well, look man, the chances are that Mrs. Kotter's

gonna come outta that delivery room, alright?

But I'm not so sure about the chances of me

getting out outta the tenth grade.

Vinnie, I promise you you'll get out of the tenth grade, okay?

Well there he is, a man who's about to spend

his entire life in the tenth grade.

See what I mean, you see that?

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, my man, don't worry about it.

Let's go down to the nurse's lounge.

Hey, maybe they'll let you donate your body.

Check it out.

That's a good idea, I'll get my mind off the situation.

- Yeah. - Now, don't tell them.

I got left back, right?

♪ Lets all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Lets all go to the lobby ♪♪

They're going to the lobby.

What are you doing here, Mr. Woodman?

I guess I'm sort of sentimental, Kotter, I like to be around

when a new delinquent is brought into the world.

Oh, come on, Mr. Woodman, admit it!

You're here because you care.

You keep this up and I'll leave.

I didn't plan to come here, I was passing by.

My bus suddenly caught fire.

I ran for my life and don't ask me how, I found myself here.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Woodman.

So, uh...

How's she doing, Kotter?

Julie's fine.

I'm so-so.

Well, remember, Gabe, there's nothing to worry about.

I've had a little experience with this sort of thing.

You?

Yeah, I got as girl in trouble once.

You got a girl in trouble?

Well, sort of...

I was going with a strange girl named Eunice Tishman.

She was convinced that once of her legs

was shorter than the other.

But she was fun.

Every day after school, we'd go shopping for shoes.

Mr. Woodman, this sounds like it's gonna be worse

than one of my stories.

No, it's not that bad, Kotter.

No, it's got a big finish.

Now, one day Eunice and I found this all night shoe store.

There was only one salesman.

Now, try to picture this in your mind.

A lonely guy, nothing to do between midnight and 7:00 a.m.

But buff wedgies.

Not your average guy.

Neither are you Mr. Woodman.

Lemme tell you, he knew feet.

Right away, he spots Eunice as one of his own people

he lets her try on every shoe in that place.

Pumps, sandals, keds, the works!

And he convinces her her legs are the same size!

Where is this story going, Mr. Woodman?

Hang in there, Kotter, I'm bringing it home.

Naturally, Eunice falls madly in love with this guy.

Even though he's older, with higher arches.

And now, are you ready for this?

They ran off together to a shoe convention in Salt Lake City.

Yeah?

They ran off together to a shoe convention in Salt Lake City.

Well, I don't understand, how did you get her in trouble?

Kotter, don't you get it, I'm the one who took her

to the shoe store in the first place!

Mr. Woodman, over the years we haven't been close

but I wanna give you some advice as a friend

never tell that story again.

[making siren sounds]

This is really a fun place, Mr. Kotter.

Uh, we just took Arnold up to plastic surgery

for an estimate.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, what are you doing in the hospital?

I like the food.

I couldn't believe it myself.

I couldn't believe... Oh, here they are.

Here they are, they're the ones who left me back.

Go operate on 'em.

Hey, Vinnie, my man, these are student nurses, not surgeons.

I know, it's better that way, that way when they operate

they don't know what they're doing.

Cork it, clowns!

Show some respect, Mrs. Kotter's having a baby!

Hey look, you show respect your way

we'll show respect our way, alright?

Alright guys, come on, cut it out

otherwise, we'll have Mr. Woodman

tell you his shoe story.

Let's go, come on, Epstein, Horshack

put the wheelchair back.

Yes, sir.

Washington, Barbarino, put the girls back.

Let the girls go back to their jobs.

I'll catch you after work, baby.

Wear those white stockings too, I like that.

Let's not make a circus out of this, okay?

Hey, relax, Mr. Kotter, there's nothing

to having this baby stuff!

Come on now, my mother's had 10 of 'em.

- Really? - That's right.

Most of 'em are normal.

Except for my brother Sanchez, but...

Hey, look these things happen, you know?

At least they let him come home every Christmas!

No, really, Mr. Kotter, there ain't no problem here

you know that?

I mean if it's ugly, we just switch babies.

- Vinnie-- - Look, it's very simple.

You tiptoe into the baby room, then you take the ugly baby out.

- And then put in-- - Alright, that's enough.

Alright, sit down, sit down!

Two hours and ten minutes, I wanna know what's going on!

I wanna know what's going on in there.

Two hours and ten minutes, why don't they say something?

I'm going in there, I'm tell...

- Mr. Kotter? - What?

Allow me to put your fears to rest.

We are all here to witness a miracle.

The miracle of birth and Mr. Kotter...

miracles cannot be rushed.

Look, Arnold I am...

Arnold, what you just said, that was beautiful

it made a lot of sense.

Of course, births cannot be rushed!

For example, first the stork has to be notified.

I'm going in there.

- Oh, no. - Mr. Kotter, relax!

Five minute, five minutes...

- Hey, Gabe. Gabe. Gabe! - Melman.

You got five minutes, if you don't--

Congratulations.

What? What is it?

You're the father of a bouncing--

Excuse me doctor!

- What, what? - Sit tight.

He said it was bouncing.

- Wait a minute, wait! - Hey, hey!

Take it easy!

Mr. Kotter would you calm down!

He didn't say what was bouncing!

Why would he come in here and say something was bouncing?

What's bouncing, am I the father of a ball, or what?

Is there a doctor in the house?

"Bouncing," that's all he said, "Bouncing."

Okay, just, just, it's gonna be alright

the doctor's gonna be here soon, alright, alright?

Why didn't he say what was bouncing?

Doc, what's bouncing?

Gabe, make that bouncing babies.

Twins?

Girls, girls, Gabe!

[laughing]

Twins, the mother and daughters are doing fine.

- Yes! - Yay!

[all cheering]

Have a cigar, have a cigar, have a cigar.

I've never smoked on of these before.

♪ I've got bouncing baby girls to a bed ♪

♪ Bouncing here bouncing there ♪

♪ Bouncing everywhere ♪

♪ Bouncing babies ♪

You okay?

Fine.

Have a cigar.

Thanks.

Twins.

I always was an overachiever.

I don't understand, honey, don't they usually

know about things like that?

Yeah, they do, one of them was hiding.

I love you, honey.

[knock on door]

I have a couple of visitors who want to see you.

Oh, I don't think right now.

[nurse] Oh, I think it's okay.

I think these two will be okay.

I'm your daddy.

She's talking to me.

What's she saying?

She's saying "Who is this masked man?"

That's no masked man, that's your father.

Dada Kotter, Kotter dada.

[Gabe narrating] Next, on "Welcome Back, Kotter..."

Okay, here we go, girls.

I know it's not what you're used to

but it's gonna have to do for now.

And no complains or daddy'll make you chip in for the rent.

Vinnie, I'll tell ya what, I promise as soon as we get

settled, I'll talk to Mr. Woodman and I'll get him

to give you the make-up test okay?

But leave us alone for a while, alright?

Go away, nobody's home!

Nobody's home, now that's enough!

Go away!

Go... Julie's mother and father!

- What? - Hey.

We brought you the finest everything.

We have baby peas, young lima beans

and tender golden niblets.

I just want them to leave.

Don't worry, it'll be taken care of.

I can't take it anymore.

It's driving me cr-crazy.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪