Original subtitles

Well, you're gonna be a daddy pretty soon.

Who me? What do I know about being a daddy?

You're gonna be a great daddy

don't worry about it.

You think so?

But... I'm too young to be a daddy.

And much too cute.

Don't worry about it, you're gonna be a great daddy.

You're gonna be as good a daddy as my Uncle Charlie.

Your Uncle Charlie?

Oh, how was your Uncle Charlie a good daddy?

Well, I'm glad you asked, Gabe.

See, my Uncle Charlie and my Aunt Tilly

had four kids, and they used up

all the good names.

Oh really?

Yes, you see? They used up Kermit Kotter

and Yitzah Kotter, you know, all the good ones.

So they put about 15 or 20 other names

into a hat and they decided to pick out one of the names

and that's what they would call the baby.

Well, then what happened?

Glad you asked.

You see, they picked out a name and you know what

they finally wound up calling the baby?

What?

Seven and five eighths Kotter.

[laughing]

I think you might be a good daddy

but not a funny one.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[sighs]

Julie!

Julie, what are you doing?

Why are you bending down?

Do you want the baby to be born with

a bad back?

Honey, I come from healthy mid-western stock.

The day I was born, my mother plowed a field.

Sit down, just sit down.

I don't wanna know about your mother plowing fields.

I come from sturdy Brooklyn stock

when I was born my mother filleted a whitefish.

Honey, I'll be fine.

Dr. Melmann said I'm not due for another week.

Sit down!

Now, you know that, and I know that.

Melmann knows that, but does the baby know that?

Okay, you got your stopwatch?

Yes.

I can time myself in the 100 yard waddle.

Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, now listen to me, carefully.

If you're contractions start...

My what?

Contractions.

- Say it! - Contractions.

Good!

Okay, if your contractions start, you time them.

When they're four minutes a part, you call me.

If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

There's nothing to worry about.

That's easy for you to say, you're the mother.

Something happens, you're gonna be here.

Gabe, go to school.

I'm going, I'm going.

But look, let's go over our plan one more time.

In case the time comes and I'm not here

I want you to promise me if I'm not here

the time is not gonna come.

- Promise? - I promise.

Okay, but if it does come, you call a cab

then you call me, I call Dr. Melmann,

he calls the hospital, and I meet you there.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, let me hear it.

Again?

Julie, it's important.

Okay, if the time comes when you're at school

which I promise you it won't

I call the cab, I call you at school

you call Dr. Melmann, he calls the hospital

we all meet there!

Yay, I got it!

Okay, and don't forget to bring the baby.

I almost forgot, I left without telling

the baby a joke.

Did I ever tell you about what happened

to my Cousin Eddie when he was 8 years old?

He went to a supermarket and he saw a pregnant lady.

He went up to her and he said, "What's that?"

She said, "That's my baby!"

He said, "Well, you don't like your baby, do you?"

She says, "I love my baby!"

He says, "Well, how come you ate it?"

And what'd you go this summer, Juan?

Performed great community service

during the old blackout.

Yeah, what?

I was serving lemonade to the looters.

Yeah, you can really work up quite a thirst

running around with a TV set under your arm.

Yeah, yeah, hey, Freddie, why don't

you tell her what you did this summer?

Uh, I hurt my back.

Aw, how?

Running with a TV set.

Hello fellow eager young minds!

So, are we all ready for another exciting year

of adventures and learning?

We still got 45 seconds of summer vacation left.

Be cool.

You guys notice anything different about me?

[Arnold laughing]

You're shorter?

No!

I reached puberty.

I always knew you had it in you, little Arnold.

Ah!

I got my first whisker.

I don't see nothing.

Well, of course not, I just took my first shave.

Hey, Vinnie, wait for us!

Pretend I don't know you, alright?

Hey, Vinnie, wanna go stand under the stairs

between classes and do some sightseeing?

- Beat it! - Aw, come on, Vinnie!

Go somewhere and squeeze your face.

Go on, get outta here.

Hey yo, Vinnie, my man.

Who's them peoples.

That's Felis Feldman and Benny Meretti

the up and coming dumbbells.

Ohh.

It's very difficult to believe that we

ever looked like that.

[bell ringing]

I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go!

Every year you do this!

No! No!

Hey yo, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie!

Now, come on, you don't wanna be late

on the first day of school, now do you?

I can't go in there, I got left back.

But, Vinnie!

You are already a Sweathog

where could they leave you back to?

Leave me back with those two dumbbells

that's what they could do.

How could a think like this happen to Vinnie Barbarino?

You're no dumber than the rest of us.

Maybe just a little.

Oh, Vincent, this is such a tragedy.

We all had such low hopes for you.

Hey, Vinnie, look, don't look at it like...

Like you're getting left back

look at it like you sorta majoring

in 10th grade.

I feel like a crumb, you know that?

I feel like nothing.

I don't feel like Vinnie Barbarino no more

you know?

So, come on, Vinnie, what happened buddy?

Remember that state test you gotta pass on

to get promoted, the one I missed last year

- Remember that? - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

On account you were out of town with business

with the Pope.

That's the best note I ever wrote!

But do you remember this, remember that Kotter

said he was gonna take care of it for me?

Alright, in the mail I get this little note here

and it says, "You've been left back."

read it and weep, look at this.

All signed official like and everything.

Forget it, I ain't gonna take it.

I mean, if they want me they gonna have to come

and get me, I'll tell you that right now.

I'll tell you, there's a man

with conviction, you know what I mean?

He's gonna make it, boy, and he's gonna stick with it.

Hey, now, listen Mr. Woodman.

Julie's gonna call a cab, then she's gonna call you

you tell me, we call Melmann

he calls the hospital, and we all meet there.

You got it?

I got it, I got it.

Just one thing, Kotter?

What?

I hope you like that suit you're wearing

'cause you're not gonna be able to afford

another one this century.

[Mr. Woodman laughing]

Well, good morning

and welcome to a new school year!

[in unison] Boo!

Well, I'm sure now that summer vacation's over

you're all anxious to get back to work!

Okay, let's start with a review of what we learned

last year.

Now that that's out of the way

let's talk about this year.

This is your new book...

Kotter!

Julie, Julie called, did she call?

No, no, no, Julie didn't call.

What are you getting me all excited for?

Forgive me, Kotter, I'm a sadist.

Just a little matter I neglected.

Principal Lazarus asked me to welcome

each class personally.

Now, remember this is not me talking

it's the principal.

Have a nice school year.

It's a pleasure to have you all back.

I did it.

No one can say I didn't do it!

Now remember clowns, I'll be laying for you

every minute and this year I'll get you.

That's me talking!

[maniacal laughter]

You are cheerful today, Mr. Woodman.

What happened, one of your old students

get the chair?

That's very funny, Kotter.

Okay, these are the new books

I'm gonna hand everybody one.

Now, this one's yours, you will keep it...

Barbarino!

What are you doing here?

I'm doing what I'm always doing, nothing.

Why shouldn't he be here?

Because he was left back, that's why.

Hey, now, wait a minute, if I was left back

how come I've been sitting in this seat right here?

[indistinct chatter]

Because you're not smart, you don't even know

how to get left back!

You didn't show up for your exams

you didn't show up for your make-ups

you know where that leaves you? Back!

Vinnie, didn't you take the make-up test?

Why should I take the make-up test

when you said you was gonna take care of it for me?

I did, I arranged a time and a place, everything.

That ain't taking care of it.

Taking care of it is going and sneaking into

the principal's office, and fixing the records.

You ain't gonna do this to me.

You ain't gonna let me back.

- Oh, yes I am. - Oh, no you're not.

Yeah?

Well, if you leave my man Vinnie back

you're gonna leave me back too, man.

That's right, me too, Vinnie!

Me too, Vinnie!

You stand here one more second

I will leave you back.

See, Vinnie, I'm sorry, but see, my family

was countin' on me to be the first Washington

to get through the 11th grade.

Look, that's alright, I don't need you guys

to help me get left back.

I got here on my own, didn't I?

Well, didn't I?

- Well, yeah, yeah! - He has a point.

He has a point.

Alright, Barbarino, to the dumbbells, dumbbell.

You know, this is your failure, too.

Vinnie, I...

You crumb! How could you do that?

I could've been somethin'!

I could've been somethin'!

I wanted my mother to see me graduate

before she died.

You know, she's pushing 40.

I've waited a long time for this day, Kotter.

I win.

I'm breaking up the Sweathogs.

It's like breaking up the old Yankees.

You thought you had me, didn't you?

Two outs, bottom of the ninth

but old woodman hit a home run!

And I win! I win Kotter!

How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Woodman?

Listen, these kids come from deprived backgrounds.

I mean, they need motivation not left back.

They banned saccharine, Kotter.

Give it a rest.

Just a second, Mr. Woodman.

I'm sick and tired of you coming in here

and putting down my students.

From now on, if you wanna see me

do it in your office.

And another thing, this is my ship

and I am the captain.

[cheering]

[applauding]

Good day to you, sir!

[Freddie] Alright!

Oh captain...

just one final interruption.

Don't look now, but your ship is sinking.

[laughing

Hi, guys.

Okay, now here's the plan, right?

Julie's gonna call a cab, she's gonna call me

I call Dr. Melmann, he calls the hospital

and we all meet there.

You got it?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, we got it, believe me

we all got it.

Not only do we got it, we put it to music.

Okay, now, let me see, let me see now.

Now, if Julie calls remember...

[humming da-da-dip-dip]

♪ She calls a cab ♪

♪ I call Dr. Melmann ♪

♪ He calls the hospital ♪

♪ And we all meet there ♪

♪ Shooby-doo ba doo-wa ♪♪

Got it.

On behalf of the band and meself

I hope we passed the audition.

Go ahead, get inside, get inside, get inside.

I don't know why having a baby is such a traumatic thing.

I mean, my Uncle Morris had eight babies.

[Vinnie] I'm dying, I'm dying!

Uncle Morris?

Mr. Kotter, you gotta help me.

You gotta help me.

Vinnie, look, it's a very bad day today.

Why don't you just relax?

I've tried, Woodman won't budge.

So why don't you blackmail him?

What we do is this, tell him we got pictures

of him and and that French teacher doing things.

Vinnie, I want you to understand something.

You were wrong in the first place.

Of course, I was wrong in the first place.

If I was right, I wouldn't need your help.

Vinnie, I can't do anything right now, alright?

I'll do something, but not now.

Just go to your new class, alright.

Just leave me alone today, just go to your new class.

Alright, I'll call you later, alright?

Edmund.

Francis. Nah.

Garth.

[knock on door]

Garth, Garth.

German for man with many Warts.

Where?

Not you, Vinnie, the baby.

The baby, huh, well, that's too bad

but I got my own problems.

So do I.

Vinnie, what do you think about the name

Maurice for a little boy?

- Maurice? - Yeah.

That's a good name

if you don't mind your kid getting beat up all his life.

But forget about that for a while

'cause I got more important things

to talk to you about.

Now, sit down.

Vinnie, don't you usually take your problems

to Mr. Kotter?

Yeah, so I usually do, but like now there's

nobody left, so I had to come to you.

Okay, tell me.

I can't.

I can respect that.

Weren't you gonna force me like?

Vinnie, my mind's somewhere else.

Alright, enough pressure, I'll talk.

I got left back.

Hard to believe.

I know! I know!

Me Vinnie Barbarino, right?

I couldn't believe it myself when I heard the news.

Alright, now, what you gotta do

to help me is you gotta talk to Mr. Kotter

because he don't wanna... He don't wanna help me, right?

So if you... If you talk to him, maybe we could help...

Help it so I don't get left back.

You know, do you realize what this could do

to my chances of getting into medical school?

Vinnie, I didn't know that you wanted

to be a doctor!

Oh yeah, I was gonna either become, like

a doctor or a longshoreman.

Oh, oh, Vinnie, I don't feel very well.

You don't feel very well?

Imagine how I must feel.

You know, this is really kinda weird, you know that?

I mean, a guy like Epstein, he gets promoted right?

And I don't.

I mean, don't you think that looks should account

for something?

Excuse me, Vinnie.

Where you going?

Wait a minute, look, I'm upset that he

left me back, but you don't gotta

leave the guy.

Could you please send a cab to 711 East Ocean Parkway?

Wait a minute, wait a minute

don't you think you should think about this?

I mean, like, marriage is really holy.

Mr. Woodman, hi, it's Julie.

Would you tell Gabe that I'm on the way

to the hospital right now.

The hospital!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Kotter, oh, my God!

I would've never told you if I thought it was

gonna get you sick and all that!

Vinnie, Vinnie, that's not why I'm going

to the hospital!

Why not?

Haven't you noticed that I've put on

a little weight lately?

Yeah, that's on account of you know?

Yeah.

You're ready to do that right now?

Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yes I'm sure.

- Are you really sure? - I'm positive.

Oh no, no, no.

Alright.

Don't... don't do nothing until we get to the hospital

alright?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I can't help you do nothing unless

you promise you bring up this kid catholic.

Oh!

Alright, forget I asked the question, alright?

This book is important.

Don't just throw it away and don't look at it.

Kotter, may I have a word with you?

I thought I made myself clear, Mr. Woodman after class.

Okay.

Don't get grease stains on it don't keep it in the kitchen

or it's gonna get soiled--

Oh, Gabe, captain, requesting permission

to come aboard, sir.

Permission denied.

After class.

I don't know what's wrong with that man.

He insists on interrupting me when I'm trying

to teach my class.

And we're not that easy to teach even under

most ideal circumstances.

Alright, turn to page 41.

[disturbance over PA]

[Mr. Woodman over PA] This is Vice Admiral Woodman speaking.

Now hear this, now hear this.

All hands on deck.

Notify the captain his wife is having a baby.

This is it!

Now, now, the plan, I forgot the plan!

We didn't, we didn't!

- Julie calls you. - And then she calls a cab.

You call Dr. Melmann and he calls the hospital!

And we all meet her there!

Let's go!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gabe narrating] Next on "Welcome Back Kotter..."

Now look, you don't worry about nothing, alright?

I'm gonna take care of everything here

you just go have your baby and relax, alright?

Okay, thanks Vinnie.

Don't worry, Julie, everything's gonna be fine.

Are you crying?

No.

I just had an onion sandwich.

I'm really glad about what happened, you know

Mrs. Kotter and everything's it's all really turned out

cool and everything.

- Thanks a lot. - That's good.

But there are more important things

going on in life, too, you know?

Like me getting left back, I mean, it's a big problem.

Vinnie, I promise you, you'll get out

of the 10th grade, okay?

Well, there he is.

A man who's about to spend his entire life

in the 10th grade.

See what I mean? See that?

Melmann, five minutes.

Melmann, you got five minutes...

Gabe, I'm calling congratulations!

What? What is it?

You're the father of a bouncing baby... what?

Sit tight.

He didn't say what was bouncing!

Wait a minute!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been... ♪♪