Original subtitles

Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you what happened to my cousin Mark?

- No, tell me. - Okay.

He's in the attic, and he's looking through

one of his old suits and he sees a shoe ticket

from a shoe he bought it to fix about 20 years ago.

So he starts thinking.

Maybe I'll try to go back to the old neighborhood

and see if the shoe store's still there.

The proprietor's name was Giuseppe.

And he was a nice guy, everybody liked him

in the neighborhood.

"As I haven't been back to the old neighborhood

in a long time anyway, I'll take a ride back there."

So he goes back to the old neighborhood

and he sees Giuseppe Shoe Store!

And he walks in

and there's Giuseppe, 20 years older

but the same guy.

Walks up to him he says, "Giuseppe, remember me?"

"Wait a minute...

"Yeah! I remember you.

"You're the little boy, you're name is...

...uh, Kotter, right?"

He says, "That's right."

"Giuseppe, I was going through this old suit of mine

"and I happened to see I had a ticket for shoes

I left here 20 years ago." How about that?

And Giuseppe said, "Let me see your ticket.

Come on, let me see."

So he shows him the ticket. He looks.

"Let me look in the back. Maybe they're still there."

"You wait here. I'll go look in the back."

So he goes in the back, and he hears all this rumbling.

And you know he's going around

he's looking through all the shoes

and he comes out he says, "Wait a second.

"Your shoes brown shoes

you bought them in for heels and soles?"

My cousin said, "Yeah, that's right."

Giuseppe says, "Well, they'll be ready Tuesday."

[laughing]

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they're turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay.

So, the supreme court, has left it up to each community

to determine what's obscene.

Was the community around when Keke Kornberg

tried to squeeze into them size 26 jeans?

Now, that was obscene, you know what I mean?

Man, you wanna see obscene?

You should see the drawing that Epstein handed in in art class.

Oh, yeah, saw that. That's a beautiful chick you drew.

Hey, could you fix me up with that drawing?

Epstein, are you drawing racy pictures in art class?

Hey, I'm no racist.

Ms. Holtzgang said we could draw our favorite thing.

So, I drew this beautifulgirl.

Oh!

I drew a picture of a cheese whopper.

Yeah, and I drew a picture of Arnold getting heartburn.

And I drew a picture of me.

Look, Epstein, whatever you do in art class

that's Ms. Holtzgang's jurisdiction.

You're safe here.

As long as you don't draw a naked picture

of George Washington.

Hey, come on, who'd wanna see a naked picture

of George Washington?

Maybe, Martha.

Horshack, I'm surprised at you.

You are talking about the father of our country.

Men like that never took his cloths off.

Then how did he get to be the father of our country?

[bell ringing]

Saved by the bell. See you tomorrow.

- Alright, see you later. - Bye bye.

- Be cool. - Bye, Mr. Kotter.

- Be cool, man. - Hey, little Juan!

Here comes Ms. Holtzgang, I think she's gonna show

your X-rated drawing to Mr. Kotter.

I have to stall her.

Juan, if I was you, I'd go to Puerto Rico

and check out my roots.

- Hi, Gabe. - Oh, hi, Paula.

Oh, I see your busy.

Are you busy? I can come back later.

No, no, that's okay. I know why you're here.

Really?

Yeah, Epstein told me about his drawing in art class.

[Paula] Oh, wasn't it wonderful!

So expressive, such powerful lines.

You liked it? No problems?

- None at all. - Oh.

Nice day, huh?

I don't know. I haven't noticed.

Think there's gonna be a garbage strike?

- I hope not. - Me too.

Last one was awful.

Mountains of garbage pilled up in front of everybody's house.

Gabe, I've fallen in love with you.

Does this mean we're finished talking

about the garbage strike?

[Paula] Gabe, it-it wasn't easy for me to say it.

Come on,Paula, stop kidding around.

I'm not kidding.

Come on, Paula, you're kidding.

I guess you're not kidding.

Paula, look, this is crazy.

Come on, we hardly know each other.

Believe me, it's just physical.

Don't be silly. It's not at all physical.

It isn't?

No, no, Gabe, it's just something about you.

Your sense of humor, the way you handle those kids.

Your, your poise, your charm.

The way you dress on a teachers salary.

Argyle. It always made me crazy.

Paula, I think I should tell you.

I know what you're gonna say Gabe, you're married

and you love your wife, but...

Paula, look, let me finish.

Alright, Gabe, I'm sorry, go ahead

what were you going to say?

I'm married. I love my wife.

You see what I mean about you.

Your sense of humor.

Oh, Gabbie, Gabbie, you're wonderful.

You're everything I've always wanted in a man.

Paula, believe me, you wouldn't like me.

I mean, I got lot of problems.

Uh, uh, uh, I-I tell bad jokes.

It doesn't matter.

I eat crackers in bed.

I eat crackers too, I'm used to crumbs in bed.

Paula, look, I'm flattered, but...

Alright, Gabe, I... I understand.

- Paula. - Yes.

You're sure, it was nothing physical?

- Yes, I'm sure. - Oh.

Nothing physical at all. Nothing.

Alright. I heard about Epstein's picture.

Where is the Picasso of pornography?

Uh, Mr. Woodman, uh, pornography is determined now

by community standards.

Who came up with that garbage?

Supreme court.

What can nine old men know about smut?

I wanna take that picture to a higher authority

Principal Lazarus.

At last, I've got something to nail one of you Sweathogs.

Oh, but, Mr. Woodman.

Rembrandt painted plenty of nudes.

Well, I wanna see Rembrandt in my office too.

You think he's a real person?

Hey!

Hey, you guys don't know what's going on up there.

Epstein, I think you better forget

about going to Puerto Rico.

Mr. Woodman, he found out.

I figured you better go to Israel

and check up on your other roots.

Well, you just forget about that. Listen to this.

Ms. Holtzgang is hitting on Kotter.

- What? - You bet, yeah.

She just said that she's fallen in love with him.

Now, why would she do that?

'Cause she's an art teacher.

She smells all that turpentine, makes you weird.

- Then what happened? - Get this.

They started kissing.

Kissing what?

Kissin' each other.

Where?

In the class room, dummy.

You mean, they was kissing each other's class rooms?

Maybe, it's his birthday.

Hey, listen, it was no birthday kiss.

It straightened his hair.

O-o-oh.

Mrs. Kotter is not going to be too thrilled

when she hears about this.

Why, why would Mr. Kotter do it?

Him? Why would she do it?

Well, I'm sure it's nothing physical.

Come on, come on, the man is obviously turned on.

Now the point is, we gotta do something

or else it's gonna wreck his marriage.

You know, he's right.

If the Kotters broke up, who'll get custody of us?

Oh. Suppose nobody wanted us...

...we'd all end up in a Sweat-orphanage.

Maybe, we could find her another guy.

Yeah, somebody she can't resist, huh?

I know what you guys are thinking.

What?

It's obvious to me, you want me to do it, right?

You want me to get in there and give my Vinnie Barbarino smile.

My Vinnie Barbarino walk, right?

Bye, guys. I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, go on, get going, go ahead, go ahead.

For Mr. Kotter, for Mrs. Kotter.

And for their little infant Kotter too.

Alright, alright, I'll do it. I'll do it.

But she better not fall in love with me too long.

I got a date with Delores on Tuesday.

- Hey, Ms. Holtzgang. - Yes, Vinnie.

Vinnie, do you feel alright?

Just wait a minute. Wait right here.

I used the wrong one.

I got to use my special Vinnie Barbarino over 21 walk.

Okay.

Vinnie, are you sure you don't want a pass

to the nurse's office?

Well, come on.

See, it worked too good.

How do you like that?

She'll never get over me by Tuesday.

What are you talking about? She walked away from you.

It takes a while.

By the time she gets to the corner

it'll hit her, she'll come running back.

♪ She's almost at the corner ♪

♪ She's waiting for the bus ♪

She'll come running back.

♪ She's walking on to bus now ♪

♪ It don't look like she's got the exact change ♪

♪ Yes she does there goes the bus ♪♪

Well, come on.

[all] Well, come on.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Hey, junior, how're you doing today?

Feel alright? You get a job yet?

Stop it.

Don't tell me to stop it. I'm sick of supporting you.

When I was his age, I had my own paper route.

How was your day?

Oh, the usual.

I sat around, thinking about names for the baby.

Now, look, I've thought of this new name

and I want you to sit or stand

think about it, and don't react, okay?

Sylvester.

When can I react?

Think about it a little more.

Now?

- Okay. - I hate it.

Honey, I just don't want our child walking through life

with an ordinary name.

Well, how's this?

If it's a boy, we'll call him Farrah Fawcett Kotter.

No, he can't.

He'll have to have his hair done

every 15 minutes.

How was your day, honey?

Oh, the usual.

Kids got a little crazy.

Woodman got a little hostile.

Oh, yeah, and the art teacher told me she loves me.

Oh, that's nice.

Uh, why don't you sit down and have your dinner?

Here, start on the grapefruit.

You know, those high school infatuation

go on all the time, honey.

Yeah, I know. Smells good. What're we having for dinner?

Uh, lets see, meatloaf, and baked potatoes, and spinach.

- Art teacher, huh? - Yeah.

Did you remember the French bread?

Mm-hm.

Yes, it's heating up.

Does this art teacher have a name?

Yeah. Do I smell garlic bread?

Did you make garlic bread, honey?

Oh, thank you.

Gabriel...

...what is the name of this art teacher

who says she's in love with you?

Her name is Paula Holtzgang. She's 26 years old.

I think I said ten words to her my entire life.

All of a sudden, today, she comes to my class

and she tells me she's in love with me.

I tell her I'm happily married, she leaves

and I hope that's the end of it.

[laughs] I'm just being silly.

I'll check the garlic bread.

Is she pretty?

Yes.

She prettier than me?

Can I have a piece of French bread?

Is she prettier than me?

Different type.

She's prettier than me.

I don't know, Julie. I don't care.

I don't love her. I love you.

Well, Gabe

why don't you just go over to her house

and have her draw you a piece of garlic bread?

Because you're not getting any here.

Or anything else for that matter.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

I'm going where I always go when we have an argument.

To the candy store, I'll get a soda.

I'll give you a chance to calm down, I'll calm down.

And I'll be back in 15 minutes.

Going somewhere, Mr. Kotter?

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we was just passing by, huh?

Figured you might be going out tonight.

Yeah, we wouldn't want you to get mugged

or nothing like that.

Yeah, we thought we'd walk you wherever you have to go.

Just incase you go some place you shouldn't be.

I am going to get a soda.

[indistinct chattering]

What is going on here?

Is everybody going crazy?

Gabe, what is all this about?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

Gentlemen, over here. On the double, let's go.

Alright, at ease.

Out with it. Fast. What's happening here?

Listen, Mr. Kotter, I heard everything.

I was right outside your door

and we know all about you and Ms. Holtzgang.

You were outside my door, eves dropping, huh?

Oh, don't think of it as eves dropping.

Think of it as spying.

Well, we'll talk about that later, Little Bo Peep.

Right now, come over here, for your information

I told Julie everything that went on

between me and Ms. Holtzgang.

[indistinct chattering]

Julie, Epstein was outside the door.

I want you to tell her exactly what you heard.

Every detail, the truth, go ahead.

Well, it all started with this highly expressive

drawing I drew in art class--

Forget about that drawing.

Well, Ms. Holtzgang told Mr. Kotter she loved him.

And then, he said he hoped there wouldn't be a garbage strike.

And she said she loved him again

and he said he hoped

there wouldn't be a garbage strike again.

Then she kissed him.

And uh...

That's-that's when I left.

Twenty minutes later, she came downstairs.

What?

Julie, I'm sorry, I forgot about the kiss.

You forgot about the kiss.

Is there anything else you forgot?

Like homework at her place?

Guys, I think, you better leave. I'll see you tomorrow.

Look, Mr. Kotter, I've lied on anybody

and you always told me the truth would never hurt anybody, right?

Epstein, there's a time and a place for everything.

Yeah.

Okay, Mr. Kotter, we're gonna leave.

But before we leave...

...you want us to make your bed on the fire escape?

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, I tried to break it up.

I used my over 21 walk and everything.

But she wouldn't buy it.

That Ms. Holtzgang, she, she a very cold person.

She'll drop him in a week.

- Maybe, even three days. - Goodnight, Vinnie.

Maybe, even tomorrow, she'll drop him.

Mrs. Kotter.

Fret not.

The same thing happened to Mary Hortman, Mary Hortman.

Only her husband, her husband

came back, came back!

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Okay. Okay.

- Goodbye. Goodbye. - Get out!

So, 20 minutes later, she came downstairs.

Julie, I didn't tell you about the kiss

because, one, it meant nothing to me.

Two, I knew it'd put you in a chair staring at me

like you are now, like I'm some kinda criminal.

Julie... if you don't trust me

especially at a time like this in our lives...

...then we're nowhere.

Oh, okay, honey.

I trust you, I'm sorry.

No, not so chummy.

See, I planned on being mad for at least another 15 minutes.

Can we eat first and have mad for dessert?

Okay, I'll go check the garlic bread.

So, what color were her eyes?

Paula, please, I got a class coming in five minutes.

Don't worry, Gabe. This won't take long.

I've been thinking about what I said to you yesterday

and I was wrong.

We were wrong.

We should have never started.

Who started?

Don't you see? It was just a crazy fling.

Wasn't a fling. It wasn't even a toss.

We were doomed from the start.

Don't ask me why.

Something you said, something I said.

It doesn't matter.

But what about all we meant to each other?

We'll always have the memories, Gabe, that's what's important.

Take care of yourself, Mr. Kotter.

What about the children?

We're here!

So she dumped you, eh, Mr. Kotter?

Yeah, she dumped me.

Hey, come on, don't feel bad now.

Yeah.

You still got us.

I feel a lot better now.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Mabel

who went to see this big fancy psychiatrist on Park Avenue?

No.

- Go ahead. - Okay.

She goes to this big fancy psychiatrist on Park Avenue.

She walks in the door, and she sees two more doors.

- Amazing. - Isn't it amazing?

One says, "consultant" the other one says, "analyst."

Well, which one did she go into?

She goes into the one that says "analyst."

When she gets in there, she sees two more door.

- Wanna know what they say? - Sure. What did they say?

One says, "with couch" and one says, "without couch."

Which one did she pick?

She goes into the one that says "with couch."

And as soon as she gets there, she sees two more doors.

One says, "really sick"

the other one says, "just kidding around."

Okay. Which one did she pick?

Well, you know my family.

She goes into the one that says "really sick."

Okay? Then soon as she gets in there, she sees two more doors.

One says "income, over $35,000 a year"

and one says "income, under $35,000 a year."

Come on.

She goes into the one that says "income, under $35,000 a year"

and she finds herself back on Park Avenue.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they're turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪