Original subtitles

I'll see you in a week, Julie.

- Buh-bye, honey. - Bye, baby.

- Have a good trip. - Thank you.

[door shuts]

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Habib Kotter?

- Habib Kotter... No, go ahead. - Well...

Old Uncle Habib was a traveling salesman

and he worked at the same company for 30 years

and he never got a promotion! How do you like that?

So one day he figured, "Why don't I get a promotion?"

He went in to the boss and said, "Look, boss, I've been workin'

here for 30 years, I want a promotion," boss said

"I can't do that, Habib, you're just not bright enough."

He said, "What do you mean I'm not bright enough?" The boss

said, "Here, I'll prove it to you," puts his hand

against the wall, he said, "Habib, hit my hand."

Habib takes a swing at his hand, the boss pulls the hand away.

- Habib hits the wall. - Huh!

"See, you're not bright enough.

You didn't know I was gonna do that."

So Habib walks out of the office a little dejected

the other salesman says, "Did you ask him for the raise?"

Habib says, "Yeah, I asked him for the raise."

"Well, what happened?" "He wouldn't give it to me.

Said I wasn't bright enough."

"What does he mean you're not bright enough?"

And Habib said, "Well, he proved it to me."

Guy said, "How did he prove it?"

Habib says, "Watch this, I'll prove it to you.

Hit my hand."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

I see the substitute teacher ain't here yet, huh?

Yeah, you know, I love it when Mr. Kotter goes

on those, uh, teacher conventions, it's terrific.

Gives my brain a chance to rest.

Just think.

Mr. Kotter is way up in Albany

learning all kinds of new teaching techniques.

Yeah, too bad he has to waste 'em on us, huh?

[male 1] Yeah.

I wonder how come Mr. Kotter

went up there without Mrs. Kotter.

Well, maybe it's because Mrs. Kotter is with child

and they can't afford three fares.

No, it's got nothin' to do with that.

Pregnant people ain't supposed to travel.

I think it's against the law or somethin'.

Hey, look at this, look at this.

- I got a bite, I got a bite! - Now pick him in easy.

Great. Now catch some tartar sauce, we can have lunch.

Here we are.

These are those wonderful, well-behaved children

I told you about.

Is he in the right class?

[laughs]

Children, this is your substitute teacher

Mr. Overly.

Overly what?

Maybe they should be calling you underly.

[laughing]

[Horshack] Mr. Underly? Oh, I loved it.

- That's so funny. - Right.

You see, Mr. Overly, they've accepted you already.

They, uh, they love to make their little jokes.

Oh, yes. Uh, but, uh, why are they called Sweathogs?

Well, that's cute.

Don't you, uh, recognize a term of endearment

when you hear one?

You, uh, just start your lesson.

- They're eager to learn. - Uh, Mr.--

Good to have you here at Buchanan, Overly.

He bought it! I think the fool bought it!

[laughs]

Uh, well, uh, uh, you all look like

a, uh, nice bunch of kids.

Reasonable, uh, eager to learn

uh, well-behaved.

[whistling]

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

I'm sorry, little Juan, but I, for one

am gonna miss Mr. Overly.

Yeah, well, I never seen a grown man

cry like that before.

I don't see why Mr. Overly was so upset

when we was just pullin' his leg.

Well, maybe it was too much when we pulled the other one

and made a wish.

Hey, there's Mrs. Kotter!

Yoo-hoo, Mrs. Kotter!

Arnold, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

I was afraid of that.

Come in, come in! Wow!

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, you shouldn't be carrying these

these heavy bags in your condition.

- Uh... - It's okay, Freddie, really.

You're supposed to carry heavy things.

It keeps your muscles toned.

Oh, good. You wanna carry my books?

Now, we'll have none of that, Vincent!

Mrs. Kotter is with child.

Where? I don't see no child.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, you really should

let us help you home with them bags.

Oh, no, guys, really, it's okay, I can manage.

Nah, nah, nah, that's very, very brave of you

Mrs. Kotter, very brave, but, uh

Mr. Kotter would have wanted it this way.

He's not dead, Juan.

Alright, here, here, come on, Vinnie, you take this one

and I'm gonna take this one right here, huh?

No, I don't like this bag, it's ugly.

Come on, then you and Freddie switch.

- Switch, switch. - No, really...

[Juan] Come on, Freddie, I don't wanna hold the milk.

I wanted to hold the chicken parts.

- I ate the chicken parts. - Hey, I still got the eggs.

We could grow our own chicken parts.

Why don't you guys just put what's left

of the groceries down on the counter?

- You betcha. - Hey, you got it, baby.

- Right on. - There you go.

- Right on. - Well, thanks a lot, guys.

I don't wanna keep you any longer.

Oh, now what have we here?

Oh, that's a sweater that I'm knitting for the baby.

Mrs. Kotter, he'll be fully grown before he fits into that.

Oh, well, I only learned how to knit one size sweater.

I figure, when I'm done with it

I'll just throw it in the washing machine.

Can you put a new baby like that in the washing machine?

[sighs] Well, it's been a really nice visit

and I wanna thank you guys for helping me.

They're not going.

Uh, look, Mrs. Kotter, we know what you're goin' through.

You may not believe this, but, uh

all of our mothers have been pregnant.

Not my mother.

She's a saint.

One day she woke up, and there I was.

And then there was these three wise men.

They all came with gifts.

There was a waffle iron, a toaster

and a Donald Duck night light.

[laughs]

Oh, catching up on our reading, Mrs. Kotter?

Oh, they're all baby books.

Oh, how nice. The kid'll have somethin' to read.

Oh, it's got pictures.

[chuckles]

Ah...

Ah...

Ah!

I'm sorry, but this doesn't look like no stork to me.

Ah, I feel faint.

Let me see that book.

You know, you are so dumb, I can't believe it.

Storks don't bring babies no more.

They used to, years ago.

But then they started makin' mistakes

bringin' 'em to the wrong houses and whatnot.

So they fired the storks.

Now they get ladies to have babies.

Less trouble, more fun.

Arnold, do you believe that story?

Not for a second.

- I do. - Thank you, Vinnie.

You have saved me hours of useless reading.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, what is this?

"The Lamaze."

Is that some kind of new car?

No, Juan, that's a method of natural childbirth.

You see, if we use this method

I'll be awake during the whole thing

and Mr. Kotter'll be there to help me.

And what's he gonna do? Tell you jokes?

No, Freddie, you see, he'll just help.

The doctor'll be there.

He'd better, he's charging $800 for the delivery.

Eight-hundred dollars?

Hey, you should have the baby at my dry-cleaners.

He has free deliveries.

Well, listen, I would really love to sit here all day

and swap prenatal experiences with you guys, but--

Well, I would like to oblige, Mrs. Kotter.

But it's been so long since before I was born

I've forgotten almost all of it.

Let me put it to you this way.

I'm a pregnant woman, right?

- Right. - Right. Okay.

Now, pregnant women have cravings.

- Right, right. - Right.

I have a craving.

- Pickles? - Privacy.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, we only came here to help.

You see, I feel that the next few years of your pregnancy...

...is gonna be very difficult.

I'll make a deal with you, Arnold.

If this pregnancy goes beyond two years

I'll call for your help.

Hey, now, Mrs. Kotter, now

n-now-now, don't go gettin' all upset, alright?

Okay, now you're gonna be a mother, right, okay.

But don't worry, you're gonna get better.

Will you stop treating pregnancy like it's some sort of disease?

Well, my mother thinks it is.

[Julie sighs]

She's been pregnant eight times, that's right

you count 'em, eight times.

She's taken to wearing garlic now.

Uh, I think it's workin', uh...

Now my father, he sleeps up on the roof.

Will you guys just leave me alone?

Hey, I think she's gettin' delirious. You got a fever?

I am not delirious, and I don't have a fever.

[Vinnie] Are you sure? Your face looks kind of red, you know?

Look, I would just like to be by myself.

I'm tired, I would like to take a nap and be alone.

Is it too much for me to ask to be alone in my own apartment?

Hey, take it easy.

[door shuts]

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, look, if, uh

if you wanna call me, I'll be at Debbie's, alright?

If I ain't at Debbie's, I'm at Sharon's.

If I ain't at Sharon's, I'm at home.

But if I'm home, don't call me, 'cause I'm depressed.

[Julia] Get out!

[theme music]

What are you talking about?

Come on, why should Mrs. Kotter be mad at us?

Okay, alright, let me ask you something, Vinnie.

Now, suppose your wife was gonna have a baby.

- I ain't married. - Well, it doesn't matter.

Oh, maybe it matters to her.

Come on, man, come on, just pretend.

But you don't know my wife.

It's an example, alright? You ain't got no wife!

Well, wait till she hears about this!

It's an example, alright? Okay.

Now, suppose your wife was gonna have a baby, alright

and four guys came over and got her so mad

she turned red and threw them out the apartment.

Now, you tell me, what would you do?

Who are those four guys? I'd kill 'em.

- Oh! - Dang...

The four guys is us.

So now what are we gonna do?

I'm gonna put my head in Epstein's locker.

Okay, but hold your breath, it's murder in there.

Come on, knock it off, alright?

Now we gotta do somethin' to make it up to her.

Now, let's think about this.

What would a young expectant mother want?

A husband.

Mr. Kotter is the husband.

Oh, well, we get her a better one.

Come on, what else would she want?

Uh, more closet space?

- It's obvious, a party. - Right.

I was gonna say that, I was gonna say party

I was gonna say closet space.

[school bell ringing]

Hey, you know, little Juan's got a great idea.

We'll have a surprise party. Oh, it'll be wonderful!

We could hang streamers from the rafters.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter and the baby will love it.

Yeah, but the baby ain't here yet.

So we keep the party goin' till the kid shows up.

Hm, thanks to you, Mr. Overly won't be with us today.

He called, something about entering a monastery.

Try to take it easier on today's victim. He's got a family.

I'd introduce you, but I don't know how long you'll be here.

[door shuts]

[clears throat] Look, guys, I don't want any trouble.

I'm a married man, and I'm just trying to earn

a, a f-f-few extra bucks.

I got two kids.

[whistling]

Two kids, huh?

They're gonna miss ya.

[theme music]

You know, it was nice of that superintendent

to give us these keys.

Yeah, you know what?

We gotta do somethin' nice for him

like, remember to let him out of the boiler room

when we leave.

[Freddie laughing]

Now, come on, let's get busy.

No tellin' when she's gonna be back.

- Hey, guys, gonna be terrific. - Yeah, yeah!

- Yeah, yeah! - Listen, let's get goin'.

- Horshack, do the dishes. - Oh, hm.

- Epstein, vacuum. - Got you, Vinnie, got you.

- You dust. - Okay.

- But I don't do windows. - Alright.

Hey, what are you gonna do, Vinnie?

I'm doin' the refrigerator.

Bein' in charge gets me hungry, you know?

Hey, look at this, Mrs. Kotter's got real taste

since she's been pregnant. She got liverwurst.

- She got root beer-- - Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, bubby.

You could help us out by makin' the bed, there's some

clean sheets, it looks like, right over there.

- Okay? - Yeah, it's a good idea.

I can't wait to-to yell "Surprise."

[imitating vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hey! What's the matter, you crazy or somethin'?

You might have a lot more luck

if you shut your mouth off and turn this on.

Come on, I was just practicing, that's all.

I was just practicing.

Oh, what a shame.

At such an early age, to suffer from dishpan hands.

Hey, hey, I can really see myself!

There's me and Mrs. Olsen...

and Mr. Whipple...

[scatting]

[whirring]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey!

Hey!

[clamoring]

Put it down!

[clamoring]

- Alright! - Turn it off!

I'm-I'm trying!

- Freddie! - I'm trying!

[clamoring]

Oh, boy.

If that's the way things work

no wonder a woman's work is never done.

Ah!

We're being attacked by Lawrence Welk!

Hm. Turn it off, dude! Turn it off!

- Turn it off! - Turn it off, Arnold!

You know we're doing the work of three guys here.

Moe, Larry and Curly.

It does look kind of messy, don't it?

You think she'll notice?

Surprise!

[sighs]

I don't believe it!

I go out for ten minutes, and I come back to a disaster movie.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're cleanin' up. What's it look like?

Yeah, you see and...

And then, a-and then, and then we was gonna

throw you and Kotter Junior a surprise party.

[chuckles]

By the time you get done cleaning this mess up

it's gonna be a graduation party.

Have to admit, you were very thorough.

Look, Mrs. Kotter, we really wanted to make it up to you for

making you so upset about what we did to you the other day.

Yeah.

Well, you made me forget about that, okay.

Well, would it help if we said that we were sorry?

[sighs] I guess not.

I guess it, I guess it would probably help

if we, uh, just took off and split, huh?

But we are sorry.

I feel like a crumb.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

- Oh, hi, Gabe! - Oh...

I feel like a dead crumb.

Oh. Lonely?

[chuckles] How could I be lonely?

I'm surrounded by Sweathogs.

W-what are they doing here?

Ms. Kotter, you let me explain.

Woman in your condition shouldn't have to explain.

- Alight? I'll take care of it. - You explain. Okay.

Hi there.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Kotter, yeah, it's Freddie. Yeah.

How you doin'? Yeah. No, no, no. No, you see, we were, we were...

We was just givin' Mrs. Kotter some tips on house cleanin'.

- Right. Yeah. - Can I talk to him?

A-and Arnold wants to say something, okay.

Then I wanna talk to him.

Hello, big buckaroo, can you hear me?

Yeah, oh, you'd be very proud of all of us. Yes.

Oh, one of your little friends

wants to say hello.

Hello there. Uh, Juan Epstein here.

And we wanna let you know we got the place

really shipshape, yes, sir.

Hi, honey.

Oh. Oh, no.

He, he's telling the truth.

You wouldn't believe what they've done here.

Oh, I-I could never have done it myself.

I miss you, too, honey.

Yeah, we miss you, honey.

Bye.

Oh-oh, okay, honey. Yeah, you hurry home.

I love you. Bye-bye.

Thank you for not spillin' the beans.

It's about the only thing that hasn't been spilled

in this apartment.

Look, it took a lot of good intentions

to ruin an apartment this well.

Where's my party?

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. - Alright.

- Here's... - Alright.

See, this is for you.

[chuckles]

And this is for the little baby.

Oh...

Well, I think I'll just send it right down to him.

- Alright. - Ha-ha-ha...

[indistinct chatter]

[theme music]

[coughs]

Okay.

I've got another one out in the hall.

I'm gonna try it again today.

Well, we are game if you are, huh?

[whistling]

[students cheering]

Hey, we had a pretty good week.

That makes it three for three.

[students cheering]

[theme music]

Mr. Woodman, what are you doing here?

Uh, Julie, I, uh, knew your husband was out of town

so I thought...

Well, I like what you've done with it.

Sweathogs left three days ago, I'm still cleaning up.

- Uh, you were saying? - Yeah, well, I, uh...

I know Kotter likes to tell you jokes, so I figured

I'd drop by and tell you the only joke I know.

- I mean, I only know one. - How thoughtful of you.

Yeah, well, anyway, it seems that there was this woman.

Why don't you make it a relative? You see...

Gabe always makes it one of his relatives.

I don't have any relatives.

Why don't you pretend? Make it your Aunt Sophie.

Alright, Aunt Sophie, anyway, one day Aunt Sophie's walkin'

down the street with a child, right, and a man comes up to her

and he says, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby

I have ever seen in my life."

Well, Aunt Sophie gets very upset, she runs to a policeman

right, she tells him, "A man just made an insulting remark

to me," policeman says, "Lady, calm down

"we'll go down to the stationhouse, fill in a report

make you a nice cup of coffee

might even find a banana for your monkey."

[laughs] You got it? The banana, the monkey?

I mean, this kid was really ugly, you get it?

[laughs] The banana, the monkey.

See, this kid was ugly, you understand?

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪