Original subtitles

What are you drawing?

A picture, a picture.

A picture of what?

A picture of you.

Well, let me see it.

Wait, it's not finished.

I'll tell you a joke in the meantime, okay?

Do I have any choice?

No choice at all.

Okay, tell me your joke.

I had an uncle, his name was Sidney, right?

- Uh-huh. - Big gambler, right?

- Uh-huh. - Now, one night he's sleeping.

And he sees a big number five in his dreams.

Number five, big, right?

- Okay. - So, he wakes up that morning.

And he says, "Wow, I had a premonition!"

Goes to the track, right?

Takes the fifth bus to the track

when he's in the track, goes up to the fifth window

he bets five dollars on number five.

What happened?

It worked, the horse came in fifth.

Lemme see it.

That's funnier than the joke.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Fine, right.

That's fine, no, I think...

I think Saturday'd be great.

Okay, so we'll see you guys this weekend?

Terrific.

There's someone at the door. I gotta go, okay, bye!

You read chapter six, Vinnie?

You know, Mr. Kotter?

I just wanna tell you that I really appreciate you

taking your time out to help me with my schoolwork.

- Oh, thank you, Vinnie. - Really.

Okay, chapter six, World War II.

I mean, how many teachers would give up the whole evening

just to help out a kid like me?

- Not many. - No?

Okay, World War II...

I mean, it means so much to me.

Really, I mean I figure you only go around

once in your life, right?

So why go around 11th grade twice?

That's what I say about this stuff.

Vinnie, enough, can we get started?

Oh, boy, look...

If you didn't wanna help me with my homework

why didn't you just say so?

Vinnie, let's get to it okay?

World War II.

Why'd we have world war II anyway, I mean

was the first one so popular?

It like "the Godfather," they had a sequel.

Alright, now how did it start?

Something about a horse's head being cut off or something.

Not "The Godfather!"

How did World War II start?

I don't know, I didn't see that.

Alright, alright, we'll take a different approach.

I wanna know how much you can tell me about specific events.

Now, what do you know about D-day?

D-day is the day that I bring home my report card.

[phone ringing]

hey, if that's a girl for me, just tell her I ain't here

alright?

Boy, wherever I go, they track me down, you know?

How the hell they do it!

All I do is give 'em your phone number.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Kotter isn't in.

Hey, you mind if I make myself a sandwich?

No, no, go ahead.

Oh, Dr. Mel Melman, how're you doing?

What do you got?

Excuse me a second?

We got, uh, salami, bologna, and tuna.

Hi. Wow, it's been a long time, how you been doctor?

You got any liverwurst?

Can you hold on a second?

We have salami, bologna, and tuna, that's it, Vinnie!

Look, uh, doc, I didn't know Julie was in to see you.

Hey, you know, a lot of people like liverwurst.

It's good for you.

My mother, she buys it for me all the time, delicious.

Vinnie, Vinnie, I'm having an important conversation

with a doctor, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Hey, you ask that doctor, you ask him if liverwurst

is good for you.

I bet he'll tell you yes.

Vinnie, why don't you have a banana?

Go ahead, enjoy yourself.

I'll see what I can do.

Uh, look, doc, I mean, I'm Julie 's husband

if something's wrong, I should know.

What?

Well, how long has she got?

Seven months?

That's terrific, doc!

Oh, okay, I'll see ya, thanks a lot!

Bye-bye!

Vinnie!

Julie's pregnant!

Don't look at me, me and Mrs. Kotter

we's just good friends, you know?

Don't be ridiculous, Vinnie, I know who the father is.

Who?

Me!

Good.

Because, you know what, what I was gonna say

was that if you wasn't, that could put

an awful strain on your marriage.

Boy, you know, it's hard to believe

me, a father.

I know what you mean.

I never been a father neither, you know?

But I worry about it all the time.

I can't wait to tell Julie!

She's gonna be so excited!

You know, I'm happy...

...but in a way, it makes me feel kinda old.

Well, you are kinda old.

- Hi! - Hi, honey!

Hi!

I didn't expect you home so early.

Well, I know, the bridge game broke up a little early.

We caught Candy Lieberman cheating.

You know, she had three tricks hidden down

the front of her dress?

Well, she needs all the help she can get.

- You want some coffee? - Yeah, yeah, coffee.

- Vinnie? - No, no for me, no.

- Okay. - Vinnie, Vinnie.

Listen, uh, don't you have something to do tonight?

No, I got the whole night free.

Vinnie, I bet you're wondering what Dolores Delvecchio's

doing tonight, huh?

I already know what she's doing, she's with Epstein.

Tuesday's his night.

Vinnie, I wanna talk to Julie alone.

Well, look, if you wanted me to leave

why didn't you just say, "Hey, Vinnie, leave."

Hey, Vinnie, leave.

Now, wasn't that simple?

And, uh, don't say anything to Julie, okay?

- I wanna tell her. - Alright.

Well, what about this World War II stuff?

Oh, yeah, World War II, uh, I'll tell ya the high point

we won.

- Hey, Mrs. Kotter? - What, Vinnie?

If in the next couple of months, you start to get real big--

Vinnie!

Just take it easy.

Real big, big, cravings...

Buy some liverwurst.

A lot of people like it.

- A lot of people eat it. - Thanks, Vinnie.

You can put it on your crackers.

- Yeah, okay. - You can put it on sandwiches.

Or, if you're in a hurry, you can eat it

right out of the tube, delicious.

How are ya feeling?

Fine, honey.

You look a little pale.

Oh, it's probably from trying to help Vinnie study.

Oh...

Julie?

What?

I want you to sit down.

Thank you, I prefer standing.

Okay, I have something important to tell you.

Okay, honey.

It's really heavy, so I want you to make sure

that you're ready for it.

If it's that we won World War II

I heard you tell Vinnie.

Julie, forget about World War II.

Okay.

Now, be calm, don't get excited.

I'm pregnant.

No, I'm not, uh...

We're preg... No, we're not.

You're pregnant, Dr. Mel Melman just called.

You mean it's true?

I'm gonna be a mother?

Right, and I'm gonna be a father, worked out just right.

Oh, boy.

You think it's safe for you to get so excited

in your condition?

That's right, my condition!

I have a condition all of a sudden!

I am actually pregnant!

But, Julie, I mean, we were always planning to have a baby.

I know, but not now, I mean, this year the most

I was planning on was a new coat.

This is better than a new coat, won't go out of style.

You know, it was my fault.

See, I had this system, every morning I'd go

into the bathroom and I'd brush my teeth

and I'd take my little pill...

...and one morning I forgot.

See what happens when you don't brush?

Julie, look, I'm excited!

Forget about excited, I'm ecstatic!

Honey, do you really think that I'm ready to be a mother?

I mean I can't even remember to water the plants!

Well, don't worry about that.

Baby's gonna water itself.

That's very funny, Gabe.

We don't even know how to handle a baby.

I know how to handle babies.

I handle Arnold Horshack every day.

Well, see, it's easier for you, you're good with children.

Julie, don't worry.

You're gonna be terrific.

You know it's gonna change our lives, Gabe.

This apartment isn't big enough.

We'll get a bigger one.

Baby's a big responsibility, honey.

Julie...

I think I know what the problem is, you're scared.

How do you know?

It's because I'm scared too.

We'll be scared together.

Okay.

We won't be fat together.

Julie, pregnant women are beautiful, you'll glow.

I don't know.

The thought of spending a half hour trying to hoist myself

out of a chair is not my idea of glowing.

Oh, honey, you just don't understand, you're a man

you don't have to go through it.

I know.

But I'll promise, I'll watch.

♪♪

♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

So, come on, Arnold, how much money we got?

Keep your shirt on, I'm still counting it!

So, what kind of present do we get a baby?

I don't know.

Let's throw him a party.

A party, Vinnie?

Yeah. He's new in the neighborhood.

Give him a chance to meet people, make friends.

Come on, Vinnie, babies don't have parties!

They do too, they sit around and drink milk, right?

And after a while, they burp up a lot.

I know, why don't we get the baby a savings bond?

On 89 cents?

Sure, in ten years, it'll be worth $1.14.

The kid'll be set for life.

Yeah, I wonder what they're gonna name it?

Probably "Kotter."

You know, it's gonna be nice having a little Kotter

running around here, yeah?

Well, at least,16 years from now, he's gonna be

going to school, right here!

Yeah, he could sit next to me.

[laughing]

- How're you doing, guys? - How are you?

Oh, Mr. Kotter!

You big devil!

Congratulations, Vinnie told us the good news, you big buckaroo!

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

Well, having a baby.

Yeah.

Let's hope it favors the missus.

Yeah, we wish you all the happiness in the world.

Yeah, that's right, even though the whole thing is kinda

hard to believe.

What's so hard to believe about Julie and me

having a baby?

Well, you know, we think of you as a teacher, not a person

you know?

He's right, and it's hard for us

to imagine a teacher doing stuff like that.

Well, they do. At least he does.

So, what's your preference, boy or girl?

You know, I haven't even thought about it.

I don't really care.

Oh, before I was born, my mother said

"Oh, birth is a miracle.

I don't care what it is."

Arnold, that's absolutely right.

And as the years go on and the miracle continues

people are still trying to figure out what it is.

Freddie!

Alright, guys, I think it's about time for everybody

to go to class, huh?

Nah, I don't think it's time to got to class.

- What time you got? - Oh, no, I got plenty of time.

How about yourself, Vin?

No, we prefer to be fashionably late.

Gentlemen, the old sundial in my head tells me

that it's time to go into school.

Hey, look, if you want us to go to class

why don't you just say, "Hey, guys, go to class."

Hey, guys, go to class.

Wasn't that simple?

Come on, let's go!

[Arnold] Oh, Mr. Woodman!

Mr. Woodman, did you hear the happy news?

Mr. Kotter is gonna be a father!

Oh, good grief, Kotter, this time you've gone too far.

Who is it, what's her name?

It's my wife!

Oh... thank heavens, what a relief.

Mr. Woodman, aren't you gonna tell me you're happy for me?

Sure, nice going, Kotter.

You got the wife pregnant...

...and the only way you're gonna support a family on your salary

is by holding up gas stations.

You're right, you know, there's one on Avenue West

I could be in and out in about two minutes.

Mr. Woodman...

...do you ever miss not having any children?

No, Kotter, I've got 2,000 kids right here

that won't listen to me.

Don't you ever wish you could hear the patter

of little feet around the house?

I've already got that, there are mice in my building.

You know, Mr. Woodman, I'm really happy about the baby

but... it seems my wife just isn't as thrilled

as I thought she'd be.

Well, if I were Julie, I wouldn't be too thrilled

about having your baby either.

[laughing]

[knocking on door]

Oh, boy.

Oh, somehow I just don't feel like I'm glowing.

Oh, no.

How ya doin'?

Oh, the lady in waiting!

Mrs. Kotter, we're so happy for you!

Thank you, Arnold.

So happy.

Happy, happy... happy.

But you'd better stop that or I'm not gonna make it

through this conversation.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, I bought you a little something

for good luck, you know?

It's my Brother Sanchez's baby booty.

We had it bronzed.

Sanchez was a big baby.

Nah, he just had big feet.

Well, thanks, Juan.

Now we won't have to buy a crib.

And just think, instead of tucking him in at night

we can just lace him in.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, what's that book you're reading?

Dr. Spock.

Dr. Spock!

Hey, I'm a big "Star Trek" fan too.

So, where is the little father?

I don't know, I was just wondering the same thing myself.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, you still don't got no liverwurst.

Sorry, Vinnie, I just haven't been able to work up

a craving for it yet.

Hey, ain't people in your condition

are supposed to get all kinds of strange cravings?

Well, when my mother was pregnant

she used to want hot peppers, you know?

Every day, hot peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers.

When we was born, the first thing we asked for

was a glass of water.

Listen, Vincent...

If you're still hungry, I still have a little

of my own gourmet lunch left over.

Let me se... Yes, I do!

I've got bacon, lettuce, and Eskimo pie sandwich.

Yuck!

Nah!

Ugh, no, get outta here!

Arnold, give me that!

I'm not that pregnant.

Hi, guys. Hi, Julie.

- Hey, how're ya doin? - Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Hi, honey, where ya been?

Well, I was walking around thinking.

Thinking!

In this neighborhood?

Well, what were you thinking about?

Getting mugged?

Haven't you guys got anything to do tonight?

- How about you, little Juan... - Oh, no, I got plenty of time.

You're in luck, we're free for the evening!

You know I remember one of ya telling me that there was

something, uh, important that you guys had to do tonight.

- Nah. - No.

We thought that we would stay here with you

and the little mother, and celebrate!

I have a good memory, really good memory

and one of you guys told me this afternoon

"We have something important to do tonight."

Hey, look, if you want us to leave, just say

"Hey, guys, leave."

Hey, guys, leave.

See, wasn't that simple?

- Alright, see ya. - I'm gonna watch TV tonight.

They're thinking of giving the bionic woman bigger transistors.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, I got me some tickets

to the Jimmie Walker Film Festival.

Dyn-o-mite!

Alright, see you guys tomorrow!

See ya tomorrow.

Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, nothing's gonna happen before then, is it?

- No, Arnold. - Okay, goodbye!

So, missus... come with me.

At last we are alone.

Yup, just the three of us.

Julie, I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking.

Wait a second, honey.

You know, while you were gone today

I was thinking too.

And I was thinking what if Gabe would just

come to me and said, "Hey, Julie, let's have a baby!"

You wanna know what I would have answered?

I would answer yes.

All you had to do was ask me.

Julie, would you like to have a baby?

Yes!

See, wasn't that simple?

Where's the baby?

It's not that simple.

Julie, the baby isn't something that you're doing for me, is it?

I mean, it's something you really want?

Yes, I want it very much.

'Cause I love you very much, honey.

I love you too.

I hope the baby has your hair.

And your eyes.

And your smile.

But not your jokes.

Hey, that's right, there'll be somebody new around the house!

Somebody that hasn't heard any of my jokes!

I could tell about my Uncle Ben and then there's the one about...

- My Uncle Mark, I could tell... - No, Gabe, Gabe, no...

Here, read this, you have a lot of things to learn.

Okay, read it.

♪♪

Julie?

She'll be right back, Roscoe.

Boy, baby's gonna love you, Roscoe.

Did I ever tell you about my uncle

who had a dog named Roscoe?

Yeah, my uncle had a dog named Roscoe, right?

Goes into a bar and he say to the bartender

"My dog here, Roscoe, can talk!"

Well, what did the bartender say?

Well, the bartender said, "That's ridiculous!"

So, I says, "Well, I'll show you.

Roscoe, what's on top of the building?"

Roscoe goes, "Ruff!"

Then he looks at Roscoe, he says, "Roscoe

who's the greatest ball player of all time?"

And roscoe goes, "Ruff!"

Bartender throws them both out.

They get on the street and Roscoe looks

at my uncle and says

"You think I should've said DiMaggio?"

♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who would have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who would have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need you ♪

♪ Back here where we need you ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how it must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene we were learning... ♪♪