Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle, who was a skin diver?

No.

Go ahead, tell me about him.

His name was Mike Nelson Kotter.

One day he buys all this new equipment and decides

to try it out, right?

So he goes down 20 feet into the ocean, sees this guy

come down 20 feet with no equipment.

So, my uncle goes down 40 feet.

He says, "I'll show this guy."

Guy comes down 40 feet, no equipment.

My uncle can't believe it.

He takes his little slate out, he says, "What are you doing

down 40 feet with no equipment?"

Guy grabs the slate, writes back, "You jerk, I'm drowning."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Alright, alright, alright.

Now, did everybody do what they were supposed to do last night?

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, I did what I was supposed to do.

But then it was too late to do homework after she left.

[all laughing]

That's a bad Vinnie Barbarino.

You're bad, bad.

You're bad.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

[Juan] Yes, yes, Arnold.

I did my homework, Mr. Kotter.

Well, that's a good boy.

Isn't he a good Arnold Horshack?

But that Vincent Barbarino, he's bad!

You're bad!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Cool it, Mr. Kotter.

Don't you tell Mr. Kotter, "Cool it."

You know what you are?

You're bad.

Just 'cause my jokes aren't funny

and they don't make people laugh, you're bad.

You're bad, bad...

What about me, Juan?

You're such a good boy.

Isn't he a good boy?

Alright, sit down, Epstein.

Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?

I gotta go out and shave first.

I'll shave you.

Hey.

Here, take this home, put it in water

and in three weeks you'll have a full beard.

Sit down. Okay.

I have an announcement regarding extracurricular activities.

The answer's forget it.

We ain't interested.

I didn't say what it was yet.

Give the man a chance.

What is it, Mr. Kotter?

It's about the school drama festival.

Forget it. We ain't interested.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Some of us would like to hear more.

Thank you, Arnold.

What we would have to do would be a scene from one play

and I will volunteer to direct.

Acting is so dumb, you know it?

Going around pretending you're somebody else.

Ridiculous.

Vinnie.

Vinnie, when I walked in here Epstein was acting.

He was pretending to be me.

So what?

Epstein does a lot of weird things.

Yes, that's true.

I have just been informed

that Epstein put Jell-O in the birdbath yesterday

to watch the birds bounce off.

We'll talk about that later, Epstein.

Okay, right now, who wants to take a crack at acting?

Oh, you wanna see acting?

Arnold Horshack will show you acting.

Yeah.

Oh... never have I seen such golden locks.

Indeed, it is the sun itself.

That's very good, Arnold.

Golden locks, was that from Shakespeare?

No, it's from "Charlie's Angels."

I can do better than that.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you remember that scene between

Katharine Hepburn and Sidney Poitiers in

"Guess who's out to lunch?"

That's, uh... That's Sidney Poitier.

Right, Poitiers.

Okay, remember when Miss Hepburn said to Sidney...

"So you're planning to marry my daughter?

"That is a coincidence, for I am

planning to marry Harry Belafonte."

♪ Hey oh ♪

♪ Hey said hey oh... ♪

[indistinct singing]

[applause]

Acting is simple. Watch this.

I'll do somethin' for you.

Stella!

Stella!

Who am I?

Some weird guy named "Stella."

Wait, I'll do it one more time for you, then you guess.

Stella!

Stella!

I could've been a contender.

[groaning]

You just confused two of my movies.

You show me no respect when you do that.

Do that again, I call

Clemenza, Barzini...

...Provolone, Spumoni

and linguini in clam sauce.

Who are you doing?

Marlon Brando.

I was doing John Wayne.

Well, I do not know about the others, Mr. Kotter

but I am very seriously interested in our school play.

[laughing]

Hey, stop it, stop it.

Stop it.

I'm proud of you, Arnold.

You know you'd be terrific in "Cyrano de Bergerac."

Oh, yeah, wasn't he the guy with mile-long nose?

Arnold, wait a minute. Don't worry.

You know, if you get the part, maybe we can shorten yours.

[laughs]

Cyrano was much more than a big nose.

In fact, he was one of the greatest romantics

in all of literature.

He used to hide behind the bushes

just to talk to girls.

I got an uncle serving five to ten for doing that.

Come on, come on, Mr. Kotter, tell us

more about this Cyrano person.

Well, Arnold, Cyrano was in love

with a beautiful maiden named Roxane.

But, alas, she was in love with someone else.

Oh, well, that's it, Mr. Kotter.

It's the Arnold Horshack story.

Right. From this moment on, "Cyrano de Bergerac"

shall be known as "Cyrano de Horshack."

Mr. Woodman, I don't wanna be on the same stage as a Sweathog.

I don't even wanna be on the same planet as a Sweathog.

Well, do what I do.

When I'm in that classroom, I think of myself

as a missionary among savages in New Guinea.

You can almost hear the drums.

Water boiling in a giant pot, and they grab me

and they drag me over to their chief.

He has curly hair and a big mustache.

He's about to tell me a joke.

"No," I begged him, "Please throw me into the pot!

Throw me into the pot!"

Mr. Woodman, get a hold of yourself.

It's okay, it's okay.

I was away for a while, but I'm back.

I'm sorry, Judy, but principal Lazarus insists that we balance

the underachievers with an overachiever.

Kotter, here's my Roxanne.

- Oh, hi, Judy. - Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Where's your Cyrano?

Mr. Woodman, I have found a young man

with a sensitivity of a poet, the grace of a dancer

and the voice of a...

[Arnold] I shall clap my hands three times, o'full moon.

The voice of a wounded goat.

Three times, o' full moon.

At the third, you will be...

Putting a sword in the hands of a Sweathog?

You're mad, Kotter, mad!

Principal Lazarus, he's arming the Sweathogs.

Call out the National Guard!

Don't worry about Mr. Woodman.

His mother was frightened by a shish kebab.

Okay, Judy, Arnold will be playing opposite you.

I'd rather be stuck in a shopping cart

and run through a car wash.

You know, Judy, Evil Knievel just called.

He wants to know if he can jump your mouth.

Alright, alright.

Alright. Cut it out, you two.

You both read the play, right?

Okay, let's take it from Au du faire,Roxane.

Do it, Arnold.

Au du faire,Roxane.

Uh...

Yuck.

His nose is cold.

It just means he's healthy.

Come on, pick it up, Arnold.

Okay, uh, I am only a shadow and you are a gleam of light.

You have no idea what these moments mean to me.

And, tonight, when I enter into the house of God

I shall have one thing--

Hey, Arnold, who are you supposed to be

Florence of Arabia?

[laughing]

And, tonight when I enter into the house of God

I shall have one thing--

Vinnie. Hey, Vinnie, I think he's wearing his

grandmother's old pantaloons.

[laughs]

I shall have one thing unstained above all others

and that is... my white plume.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.

Cut it out, huh?

I like the way he looks.

Hey, Arnold, would you like to go to the junior prom with me?

[laughing]

Alright, cut it out, you guys.

Hey, listen, I'm supposed to be the greatest swordsman

in all of France.

[audience laughing]

And I'm supposed to be the fairest flower

in all of France.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you look like ragweed to me, honey.

[laughing]

Mr. Kotter, I am a serious actress.

I do not have to stand for this.

[gasps]

I'm gonna go to my dressing room and have a tantrum!

[crying]

Hey, who does she think she is?

Tantrum O'Neal?

Why did you guys come in here to disrupt our rehearsal?

We Sweathogs. It's our job.

Well, I, for one, do not welcome your presence.

I was just getting into my part.

I don't think they understand, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, what's there to understand?

You look like you should be

right in the middle of a Rothschild.

[laughing]

That's it, Mr. Kotter.

Wait, wait. I got one more.

Oh, don't do it.

No, Vinnie, no more!

Hey, look, I'm trying to do something for all of us

and this is the thanks I get?

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter.

- You can't take a joke? - Get back here, Arnold.

Hey, Pinocchio, come back.

Where are you going, Pinocchio?

Alright, alright, alright!

You guys happy now?

- We didn't do nothing. - We didn't do nothing, man.

We didn't do nothing now.

You know how sensitive actors are

just can't take a little destructive criticism

that's all.

Look, Mr. Kotter, we're sorry. We're gonna find him.

Come on let's go together.

Hey, we looked everywhere, Mr. Kotter.

Didn't see Arnold, no place all day.

Yeah, we called his house ten times, no one answered.

How could you call his house? He doesn't have a phone.

Oh, no wonder there was no answer.

Why don't you go over there?

We did we went over there, but nobody was home.

So, we went in through the window

and watched a little TV.

I took a bath, and Vinnie made a sandwich.

I don't believe you guys.

That's where he lives, not a Holiday Inn.

Your best friend is missing and what do you do?

You go where he lives, and you raid his refrigerator.

Come on, I didn't raid his refrigerator.

Vinnie raided the refrigerator.

I took a bath, personal hygiene, you know?

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, look, we all real sorry

on the way we came down on Arnold.

I mean, we really are.

We had no idea how important this play really was to him.

Look, guys, it was important to him

because he thought he was doing somethin'

for the Sweathogs.

Now you made me feel bad.

Yeah, me, too. I feel real bad.

But at least I'm clean.

I guess that's it.

I guess we better just go

tell Woodman that we're out of it.

Unless...

Unless... we can get somebody

to substitute for Horshack.

Alright.

- Somebody suave. - Yeah.

Somebody romantic.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody Italian.

Somebody who has a flair for words.

What?

You, on stage in two hours for Horshack.

Now, wait a second.

Now, wait a second now.

My client here, he can't work without a contract.

- So, you're his agent? - That's right, I represent him.

Now why don't you just step into my office over here?

We gotta negotiate.

Now, what I'm talking about here

I'm talking about a house in Beverly Hills.

I'm talking about a pool

I'm talking about a limo service

I'm talking about a maid named Esther.

Epstein... let's not haggle.

Here's the deal, you go out and try to find Horshack

or I stuff you in your gym locker.

Hey, that sounds fair to me.

That's a good deal.

Okay, we don't have much time.

Here you go, Vinnie, page 46, right over here.

Freddie, you can play Roxane.

Me?

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.

Now, I know I'm a lot of things...

but the fairest flower of all France, I ain't.

Come on, Freddie, we gotta get to it.

- Here you go. - Come on, man.

Now, you go up here. You're on your balcony.

This is where Cyrano goes to Roxane's balcony.

Go ahead. Take it away, Cyrano.

Stella!

Stella!

Vinnie, this is Roxane, not Stella.

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter

I ain't Roxane, and I ain't Stella, alright?

I'm Freddie, Freddie, you got it? Freddie.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Freddie! Freddie!

Alright look, this is ridiculous.

Okay, now, you're Cyrano.

You want to get Roxane

to let you come up on the balcony

so you can kiss her, alright?

That's your motivation.

That's it.

I ain't no Roxane, and I ain't no Stella.

Blah!

Alright, let's forget about him.

I'll play Roxane. You try and come on my balcony.

No way.

I'm dying Egypt, dying.

Only here impórtune death a while

until many thousand kisses, I lay upon thy lips.

That was Maxine Biffin.

And the death scene from Shakespeare's

"Antony and Cleopatra."

Maxine, of course, was playing Antony.

Thank you, Maxine.

Uh, Maxine, you can get up.

Mr. Woodman, I'm dead, remember?

Mr. Kotter!

Mr. Kotter, it's curtain time.

Where's Vinnie?

Don't worry, Judy.

I'm worried, Freddie. Where's Vinnie?

Yeah, yeah, I know you're worried.

But, see, we looked for Vinnie

and we couldn't find him no place.

Everybody just take it easy, okay?

Epstein, he guarantees his clients.

Alright, you guarantee your clients, Epstein.

Well, it's about time for him to go on.

Now where is he?

Anybody open their mouth, and I'll run through it.

[Judy laughing]

[snorts]

Look who's here, "Lawrence of Arabia."

[laughing]

Hey, Roxane, eat my plumes.

Hey, you look fantastic. Great.

Yeah, you're about the tenth person who told me that.

- Tenth? - Yeah.

The others were a bunch of Marines on Ocean Parkway.

Yeah, but, did you find Arnold?

No, but I ran into Dolores Delvecchio.

I think it's over between us.

Okay, Vinnie, look.

Alright, now, you know what you have to do.

No, I already did that before I put on my tights.

Now our final contestants

are Judy Borden and Vincent Barbarino

in the scene from "Cyrano de Bergerac."

We'd appreciate it

if you'd throw the lettuce first...

...then the eggs and tomatoes

but please save the dressing for last

'cause it makes a better salad.

I've got the anchovies.

Is it you, Cyrano?

Yeah, it's me.

We couldn't find Arnold, remember?

Vinnie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were speaking of a kiss, Cyrano.

When?

Vinnie! Vinnie, kiss.

- The word is sweet. - Oh, yeah.

Kiss. The word is sweet.

I do not see why you should not try it.

Eeesh.

You don't believe me?

Ask Debbie.

Hey, Debbie, my kisses are delicious, right?

Hey, Sharon, I didn't know you was coming today.

Vinnie! Get to the play.

- Vinnie. - I gotta get to this play.

I'll see you later.

People makin' me crazy.

Now, where were we?

You are making this the most humiliating

embarrassing experience of my entire life.

Good. Let's keep going.

Be serious, Vinnie.

Alright, alright.

A kiss, when all is said, what is it?

A wish, which longs to be confirmed.

A moment of infinity, humming like a bee.

Vinnie!

Look at me! look at me!

A communion... tasting the flowers.

Whatever that means.

And a way...

...of breathing in a little of your heart.

Vinnie!

- Vinnie. - I'm acting. Leave me alone.

And tasting a little of your soul

with the edge of my lips.

Stella!

[Judy] Vinnie!

Stella!

Vinnie, you were great.

Vinnie, you were fantastic.

Yeah, you were swell.

You were wonderful, sweetheart.

Just sign right over here.

Look, I got you a booking.

It's gonna be on the "Gong Show," okay?

Look, my people will call your people.

We'll have lunch, sweetheart.

Wait a minute, I wanna talk to you.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Come on, go back on stage.

Oh, come on, I gotta do it again?

No, take a bow. Go ahead.

Oh, alright.

Excuse me, my number 5-5-5-3-2-8-1.

Diane, get the number from Susan.

Susan, Diane's gonna call you, alright?

Charlene, come on up to my dressing room after this.

Mr. Kotter, I will never be able to show my face

in that school again.

Judy, could you put that in writin'?

Oh, shut up, Boom Boom!

Vinnie, Vinnie.

- Hey, stop. - Vinnie, stop.

Vinnie, Vinnie!

Hey, superstar. Alright.

Hey, I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of what all you guys did for Arnold.

Yeah, me, too. Wait a minute.

Hey, that's right Arnold. We still ain't found him.

Yeah, I kinda feel bad, you know?

Like a crumb. This should've been Arnold's moment.

Where could he be?

I don't know, but I think it's something more serious

than the play.

But what?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪♪