All language subtitles for Welcome.Back.Kotter.S02E18.Has.Anyone.Seen.Arnold.1.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

Julie, did I ever tell you about
my uncle, who was a skin diver?

No.

Go ahead, tell me about him.

His name was Mike Nelson Kotter.

One day he buys all this
new equipment and decides

to try it out, right?

So he goes down 20 feet
into the ocean, sees this guy

come down 20 feet
with no equipment.

So, my uncle goes down 40 feet.

He says, "I'll show this guy."

Guy comes down 40 feet,
no equipment.

My uncle can't believe it.

He takes his little slate out,
he says, "What are you doing

down 40 feet with no equipment?"

Guy grabs the slate, writes
back, "You jerk, I'm drowning."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Alright, alright, alright.

Now, did everybody do what they
were supposed to do last night?

Yeah, Mr. Kotter, I did
what I was supposed to do.

But then it was too late to do
homework after she left.

[all laughing]

That's a bad Vinnie Barbarino.

You're bad, bad.

You're bad.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

[Juan] Yes, yes, Arnold.

I did my homework, Mr. Kotter.

Well, that's a good boy.

Isn't he a good Arnold Horshack?

But that Vincent Barbarino,
he's bad!

You're bad!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Cool it, Mr. Kotter.

Don't you tell
Mr. Kotter, "Cool it."

You know what you are?

You're bad.

Just 'cause my jokes
aren't funny

and they don't make people
laugh, you're bad.

You're bad, bad...

What about me, Juan?

You're such a good boy.

Isn't he a good boy?

Alright, sit down, Epstein.

Hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?

I gotta go out and shave first.

I'll shave you.

Hey.

Here, take this home,
put it in water

and in three weeks
you'll have a full beard.

Sit down. Okay.

I have an announcement regarding
extracurricular activities.

The answer's forget it.

We ain't interested.

I didn't say what it was yet.

Give the man a chance.

What is it, Mr. Kotter?

It's about the school
drama festival.

Forget it. We ain't interested.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Some of us would
like to hear more.

Thank you, Arnold.

What we would have to do would
be a scene from one play

and I will volunteer to direct.

Acting is so dumb, you know it?

Going around pretending
you're somebody else.

Ridiculous.

Vinnie.

Vinnie, when I walked in
here Epstein was acting.

He was pretending to be me.

So what?

Epstein does a
lot of weird things.

Yes, that's true.

I have just been informed

that Epstein put Jell-O
in the birdbath yesterday

to watch the birds
bounce off.

We'll talk about
that later, Epstein.

Okay, right now, who wants
to take a crack at acting?

Oh, you wanna see acting?

Arnold Horshack will
show you acting.

Yeah.

Oh... never have I seen
such golden locks.

Indeed, it is the sun itself.

That's very good, Arnold.

Golden locks, was that
from Shakespeare?

No, it's from
"Charlie's Angels."

I can do better than that.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you remember
that scene between

Katharine Hepburn
and Sidney Poitiers in

"Guess who's out to lunch?"

That's, uh... That's
Sidney Poitier.

Right, Poitiers.

Okay, remember when
Miss Hepburn said to Sidney...

"So you're planning
to marry my daughter?

"That is a coincidence, for I am

planning to marry
Harry Belafonte."

♪ Hey oh ♪

♪ Hey said hey oh... ♪

[indistinct singing]

[applause]

Acting is simple.
Watch this.

I'll do somethin' for you.

Stella!

Stella!

Who am I?

Some weird guy named "Stella."

Wait, I'll do it one more time
for you, then you guess.

Stella!

Stella!

I could've been a contender.

[groaning]

You just confused
two of my movies.

You show me no respect
when you do that.

Do that again, I call

Clemenza, Barzini...

...Provolone, Spumoni

and linguini in clam sauce.

Who are you doing?

Marlon Brando.

I was doing John Wayne.

Well, I do not know about
the others, Mr. Kotter

but I am very seriously
interested in our school play.

[laughing]

Hey, stop it, stop it.

Stop it.

I'm proud of you, Arnold.

You know you'd be terrific
in "Cyrano de Bergerac."

Oh, yeah, wasn't he the guy
with mile-long nose?

Arnold, wait a minute.
Don't worry.

You know, if you get the part,
maybe we can shorten yours.

[laughs]

Cyrano was much more
than a big nose.

In fact, he was one
of the greatest romantics

in all of literature.

He used to hide
behind the bushes

just to talk to girls.

I got an uncle serving
five to ten for doing that.

Come on, come on,
Mr. Kotter, tell us

more about this Cyrano person.

Well, Arnold, Cyrano was in love

with a beautiful maiden
named Roxane.

But, alas, she was in
love with someone else.

Oh, well, that's it, Mr. Kotter.

It's the Arnold Horshack story.

Right. From this moment on,
"Cyrano de Bergerac"

shall be known as
"Cyrano de Horshack."

Mr. Woodman, I don't wanna be on
the same stage as a Sweathog.

I don't even wanna be on
the same planet as a Sweathog.

Well, do what I do.

When I'm in that classroom,
I think of myself

as a missionary among
savages in New Guinea.

You can almost hear the drums.

Water boiling in a giant pot,
and they grab me

and they drag me
over to their chief.

He has curly hair
and a big mustache.

He's about to tell me a joke.

"No," I begged him, "Please
throw me into the pot!

Throw me into the pot!"

Mr. Woodman, get
a hold of yourself.

It's okay, it's okay.

I was away for a while,
but I'm back.

I'm sorry, Judy, but principal
Lazarus insists that we balance

the underachievers
with an overachiever.

Kotter, here's my Roxanne.

- Oh, hi, Judy.
- Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Where's your Cyrano?

Mr. Woodman, I have
found a young man

with a sensitivity of a poet,
the grace of a dancer

and the voice of a...

[Arnold] I shall clap my hands
three times, o'full moon.

The voice of a wounded goat.

Three times, o' full moon.

At the third, you will be...

Putting a sword in the
hands of a Sweathog?

You're mad, Kotter, mad!

Principal Lazarus,
he's arming the Sweathogs.

Call out the National Guard!

Don't worry about Mr. Woodman.

His mother was frightened
by a shish kebab.

Okay, Judy, Arnold will be
playing opposite you.

I'd rather be stuck
in a shopping cart

and run through a car wash.

You know, Judy,
Evil Knievel just called.

He wants to know if
he can jump your mouth.

Alright, alright.

Alright. Cut it out, you two.

You both read the play, right?

Okay, let's take it
from Au du faire,Roxane.

Do it, Arnold.

Au du faire,Roxane.

Uh...

Yuck.

His nose is cold.

It just means he's healthy.

Come on, pick it up, Arnold.

Okay, uh, I am only a shadow
and you are a gleam of light.

You have no idea what
these moments mean to me.

And, tonight, when
I enter into the house of God

I shall have one thing--

Hey, Arnold, who are you
supposed to be

Florence of Arabia?

[laughing]

And, tonight when
I enter into the house of God

I shall have one thing--

Vinnie. Hey, Vinnie,
I think he's wearing his

grandmother's old pantaloons.

[laughs]

I shall have one thing
unstained above all others

and that is... my white plume.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.

Cut it out, huh?

I like the way he looks.

Hey, Arnold, would you like to
go to the junior prom with me?

[laughing]

Alright, cut it out, you guys.

Hey, listen, I'm supposed
to be the greatest swordsman

in all of France.

[audience laughing]

And I'm supposed to be
the fairest flower

in all of France.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you look like
ragweed to me, honey.

[laughing]

Mr. Kotter,
I am a serious actress.

I do not have to stand for this.

[gasps]

I'm gonna go to my dressing room
and have a tantrum!

[crying]

Hey, who does she think she is?

Tantrum O'Neal?

Why did you guys come in here
to disrupt our rehearsal?

We Sweathogs. It's our job.

Well, I, for one,
do not welcome your presence.

I was just getting into my part.

I don't think
they understand, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, what's there to understand?

You look like you should be

right in the middle
of a Rothschild.

[laughing]

That's it, Mr. Kotter.

Wait, wait.
I got one more.

Oh, don't do it.

No, Vinnie, no more!

Hey, look, I'm trying to do
something for all of us

and this is the thanks I get?

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter.

- You can't take a joke?
- Get back here, Arnold.

Hey, Pinocchio, come back.

Where are you going, Pinocchio?

Alright, alright, alright!

You guys happy now?

- We didn't do nothing.
- We didn't do nothing, man.

We didn't do nothing now.

You know
how sensitive actors are

just can't take
a little destructive criticism

that's all.

Look, Mr. Kotter, we're sorry.
We're gonna find him.

Come on let's go together.

Hey, we looked everywhere,
Mr. Kotter.

Didn't see Arnold,
no place all day.

Yeah, we called his house
ten times, no one answered.

How could you call his house?
He doesn't have a phone.

Oh, no wonder
there was no answer.

Why don't you go over there?

We did we went over there,
but nobody was home.

So, we went in
through the window

and watched a little TV.

I took a bath,
and Vinnie made a sandwich.

I don't believe you guys.

That's where he lives,
not a Holiday Inn.

Your best friend is missing
and what do you do?

You go where he lives,
and you raid his refrigerator.

Come on, I didn't
raid his refrigerator.

Vinnie raided the refrigerator.

I took a bath,
personal hygiene, you know?

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, look, we all real sorry

on the way we came down
on Arnold.

I mean, we really are.

We had no idea how important
this play really was to him.

Look, guys,
it was important to him

because he thought
he was doing somethin'

for the Sweathogs.

Now you made me feel bad.

Yeah, me, too.
I feel real bad.

But at least I'm clean.

I guess that's it.

I guess we better just go

tell Woodman
that we're out of it.

Unless...

Unless... we can get somebody

to substitute for Horshack.

Alright.

- Somebody suave.
- Yeah.

Somebody romantic.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody Italian.

Somebody who has a flair
for words.

What?

You, on stage in two hours
for Horshack.

Now, wait a second.

Now, wait a second now.

My client here, he can't work
without a contract.

- So, you're his agent?
- That's right, I represent him.

Now why don't you just step
into my office over here?

We gotta negotiate.

Now, what I'm talking about here

I'm talking about a house
in Beverly Hills.

I'm talking about a pool

I'm talking
about a limo service

I'm talking about a maid
named Esther.

Epstein... let's not haggle.

Here's the deal, you go out
and try to find Horshack

or I stuff you
in your gym locker.

Hey, that sounds fair to me.

That's a good deal.

Okay, we don't have much time.

Here you go, Vinnie,
page 46, right over here.

Freddie, you can play Roxane.

Me?

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.

Now, I know
I'm a lot of things...

but the fairest flower
of all France, I ain't.

Come on, Freddie,
we gotta get to it.

- Here you go.
- Come on, man.

Now, you go up here.
You're on your balcony.

This is where Cyrano
goes to Roxane's balcony.

Go ahead.
Take it away, Cyrano.

Stella!

Stella!

Vinnie, this is Roxane,
not Stella.

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter

I ain't Roxane,
and I ain't Stella, alright?

I'm Freddie, Freddie,
you got it? Freddie.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Freddie! Freddie!

Alright look,
this is ridiculous.

Okay, now, you're Cyrano.

You want to get Roxane

to let you come up
on the balcony

so you can kiss her, alright?

That's your motivation.

That's it.

I ain't no Roxane,
and I ain't no Stella.

Blah!

Alright,
let's forget about him.

I'll play Roxane.
You try and come on my balcony.

No way.

I'm dying Egypt, dying.

Only here impórtune
death a while

until many thousand kisses,
I lay upon thy lips.

That was Maxine Biffin.

And the death scene
from Shakespeare's

"Antony and Cleopatra."

Maxine, of course,
was playing Antony.

Thank you, Maxine.

Uh, Maxine, you can get up.

Mr. Woodman, I'm dead, remember?

Mr. Kotter!

Mr. Kotter, it's curtain time.

Where's Vinnie?

Don't worry, Judy.

I'm worried, Freddie.
Where's Vinnie?

Yeah, yeah,
I know you're worried.

But, see, we looked for Vinnie

and we couldn't find him
no place.

Everybody just
take it easy, okay?

Epstein,
he guarantees his clients.

Alright, you guarantee
your clients, Epstein.

Well, it's about time
for him to go on.

Now where is he?

Anybody open their mouth,
and I'll run through it.

[Judy laughing]

[snorts]

Look who's here,
"Lawrence of Arabia."

[laughing]

Hey, Roxane, eat my plumes.

Hey, you look fantastic. Great.

Yeah, you're about the tenth
person who told me that.

- Tenth?
- Yeah.

The others were a bunch
of Marines on Ocean Parkway.

Yeah, but, did you find Arnold?

No, but I ran
into Dolores Delvecchio.

I think it's over between us.

Okay, Vinnie, look.

Alright, now, you know
what you have to do.

No, I already did that
before I put on my tights.

Now our final contestants

are Judy Borden
and Vincent Barbarino

in the scene from
"Cyrano de Bergerac."

We'd appreciate it

if you'd throw
the lettuce first...

...then the eggs and tomatoes

but please save
the dressing for last

'cause it makes a better salad.

I've got the anchovies.

Is it you, Cyrano?

Yeah, it's me.

We couldn't find Arnold,
remember?

Vinnie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were speaking
of a kiss, Cyrano.

When?

Vinnie! Vinnie, kiss.

- The word is sweet.
- Oh, yeah.

Kiss. The word is sweet.

I do not see
why you should not try it.

Eeesh.

You don't believe me?

Ask Debbie.

Hey, Debbie,
my kisses are delicious, right?

Hey, Sharon, I didn't know
you was coming today.

Vinnie! Get to the play.

- Vinnie.
- I gotta get to this play.

I'll see you later.

People makin' me crazy.

Now, where were we?

You are making this
the most humiliating

embarrassing experience
of my entire life.

Good. Let's keep going.

Be serious, Vinnie.

Alright, alright.

A kiss, when all is said,
what is it?

A wish, which longs
to be confirmed.

A moment of infinity,
humming like a bee.

Vinnie!

Look at me! look at me!

A communion... tasting
the flowers.

Whatever that means.

And a way...

...of breathing
in a little of your heart.

Vinnie!

- Vinnie.
- I'm acting. Leave me alone.

And tasting
a little of your soul

with the edge of my lips.

Stella!

[Judy] Vinnie!

Stella!

Vinnie, you were great.

Vinnie, you were fantastic.

Yeah, you were swell.

You were wonderful, sweetheart.

Just sign right over here.

Look, I got you a booking.

It's gonna be
on the "Gong Show," okay?

Look, my people
will call your people.

We'll have lunch, sweetheart.

Wait a minute,
I wanna talk to you.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Come on, go back on stage.

Oh, come on,
I gotta do it again?

No, take a bow. Go ahead.

Oh, alright.

Excuse me, my number
5-5-5-3-2-8-1.

Diane, get the number
from Susan.

Susan, Diane's gonna call you,
alright?

Charlene, come on up to
my dressing room after this.

Mr. Kotter, I will never
be able to show my face

in that school again.

Judy, could you put that
in writin'?

Oh, shut up, Boom Boom!

Vinnie, Vinnie.

- Hey, stop.
- Vinnie, stop.

Vinnie, Vinnie!

Hey, superstar. Alright.

Hey, I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of what
all you guys did for Arnold.

Yeah, me, too.
Wait a minute.

Hey, that's right Arnold.
We still ain't found him.

Yeah, I kinda feel bad,
you know?

Like a crumb. This should've
been Arnold's moment.

Where could he be?

I don't know, but I think
it's something more serious

than the play.

But what?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪♪