Original subtitles

Why don't you get your own paper?

'Cause I like yours better.

You know who this guy looks like?

One of your relatives?

My cousin, Sidney Kotter!

That's amazing!

Amazing isn't even...

Sidney's very stupid.

How stupid is he?

Well, Cousin Sid was so stupid

that one time he locked his keys in his car.

So he calls up the auto club

and he said, "Um...

"Uh, I forgot why I called.

"Oh, yeah, I locked my keys in my car.

"And I want you to come here and help me

get the keys out of the car."

Okay, what did the auto club say?

They said, "Well, sir, we'll be there

in about one hour."

A-ha!

You wanna know what Cousin Sidney said?

Yeah.

He said, "Well, you can't come here in an hour

"because it's raining out

"and the car's a convertible

and I left the top down."

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Okay.

Okay, where was the biggest battle

of World War II fought?

Newark when they tried to draft my uncle.

Ha-ha-ha!

Right.

- Now, the Allied Forces-- - Right?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I made a joke.

Well, don't do that.

Okay, now where was I?

Excuse Mr. Kotter-r-r-r!

I do not think that you are with us

in this classroom here.

Wanna go to the bathroom?

- Go ahead. - Huh?

Horshack, where are you doing?

You just can't get up and leave!

You just told me to go to the bathroom!

- I did? - Yeah!

I don't remember saying that.

Epstein, did I tell Horshack to go to the bathroom?

It's okay, Mr. Kotter, I don't gotta go no more.

What's the matter with you, Mr. Kotter man?

You've been acting like your mind's absent or something.

I think somebody should call Mr. Kotter's house

and find out if he left yet.

[school bell rings]

Man, what's the matter with you?

What's your problem?

I'm sorry, Freddie, you guys are right.

I'm a little out of it today.

I think, uh, well, just a couple of problems

I got going on at home.

I'll be alright.

I gotta get a new case.

Problems at home.

Ooohh, Mr. Kotter!

In due time, I'm sure the misses will

come back to you.

It's nothing to do with Julie!

Now, look, Mr. Kotter!

You gotta let it out!

It's okay to cry, bubby.

Come on, now, you're a broken man here.

Epstein, put that fungus back in your pocket.

Look, I'm telling you people, it has nothing

to do with Julie.

It's just...

It's just...

- Say it! - Say it!

- Say it! - Say it!

Tell the truth!

The truth will set you free!

[all] Say it, say it, say it!

Alright, alright, alright, alright!

My father's coming for a visit!

- Oh, boy. - I don't believe it.

That's all?

His pop's is coming for a visit?

What?

His father is coming for a visit.

Oh, is that what's making you dopier

than us all week?

Now, listen Vinnie, I want you to picture this

an old man travels 1,400 miles

to say hello to his son.

Now, try to imagine that.

How's he getting here?

I mean, is he taking a bus or a train?

Or a plane or what?

He's traveling 1400 miles, just imagine that, okay?

Well, I mean, how's he doing it?

The first class, the coach

the night coach?

The caboose?

He's on a scooter, alright?

Just imagine an old man 1400 miles traveling

to see his son, right? Ya got it?

That's really nice he's doing that.

- Yeah, I got it. - Good. Forget it.

That's not it.

Now, I want you to picture something else.

I want you to imagine it's New Years Eve.

- Alright. - Okay.

And you're on the Titanic.

You're there and you're dancing in your tuxedo

you're really feeling good.

You're doing a little bit of the conga, ya know?

♪ Up-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ Up-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ Up-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ Up-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪♪

And all of a sudden, you see it.

Looming high over the ocean.

Threatening, it's getting closer

and closer, and bigger, and bigger!

It's an iceberg, you got it?

Got it!

Put a sports shirt on that iceberg

and that's my father.

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

Aye-Ya-Ya-ya-yi!

Gabe, get up.

I'm up, I'm up.

Gabe, a man lying under a sheet

and two blankets in a fetal position

is not up.

Come on, you're gonna be late!

It's, uh, it's 7:13 in 37 seconds.

What did I marry, a digital wife?

Gabe, get up, come on.

Here.

Take the pillows too, thank you.

I wonder why your father's coming

all the way up from Fort Lauderdale

just like that.

Julie, Charlie Kotter's only done two things

in his life just like that.

One was me, and the other one was my Brother Mel.

Maybe he's bored.

Why should he be bored?

He's got my mom, he's got the store

and a steady stream of tourists

buying tee shirts that say

"Florida grapefruits, hands off."

Well, I don't care what you say.

I'm glad he's coming.

It's thoughtful, it's generous.

[knocking on door]

He's here.

You get the door, I'll check the flights

back to Miami.

Charlie!

Julie darling, you look beautiful!

Is he giving you any trouble?

You! Wash your teeth.

Well, it's nice to see you too, pop.

Already it starts!

Lies.

What is he talking about?

It's good to see you, I haven't seen you for a year!

Well, if you were so anxious to see me

how come you didn't meet me at the airport?

He's unbelievable, I don't believe this man.

I called him ten times, I said

"Pop, can I pick you up at the airport?"

He says ten times, "Don't bother."

Since when do you listen to your father?

What are you waiting for, a tip?

Put the suitcase down.

He came 1400 miles so he can insult his son.

So, pop, how's mom?

Well, you finally thought to ask.

He's been here for seven seconds.

Boy, did we have a scare.

We almost lost her!

Pop, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about a woman who almost

keeled over the counter.

She was so dizzy.

Oh, which reminds me...

Business is terrific.

We're moving four and a half groves

of coconut paperweights...

Forget about the coconut paperweights!

What happened with mom, what's wrong?

She broke her heel.

She hurt her foot?

No, she broke the heel on her shoe

she was walking around with a broken heel

and that's what made her dizzy.

So... this is it?

This is where you live now?

No, pop, we don't live here

we have a six room duplex on Park Avenue.

We're just staying here till they finish

the Backgammon room.

Listen, wise guy, the cab that drove me here

from the airport was bigger than this place.

It's a good thing I'm staying over

at your Brother Melvin's.

You remember Melvin?

The big shot doctor?

He's got a ten room house, he's got a swimming pool.

I remember, we slept together for five years,

I remember.

That you remember?

The man makes $100,000 a year!

Those days, he wasn't making $100,000 a year.

He was wetting the bed.

You were any different?

Look, will you two please stop?

Okay, Charlie, what do you wanna eat?

Darling, whatever you're cooking

I don't care what it is

I'm eating it.

Even if it's only two eggs over easy

buttered English muffins, a cup of tea

no sugar but a dab of natural honey.

Such an easy man to please.

Now, there's a person!

Huh, Gabe?

Did you found a real job yet?

Or are you still teaching those sweat hogs?

Pop, I feel good, I feel useful.

Sorta like you do when you sell someone

an alligator toilet seat.

Alligator toilet seat's are out.

Sharks are a big seller.

By the way, Gabe, whatever happened

to that, uh, that sweet little

school teacher that hated your guts?

Mikey Woodman I think it is.

Woodman's the vice principal now, still the same though.

Let's not talk about him, I'm eating, okay?

Pop, level with me.

What are you doing here?

Gabe, think about your future.

You know, there's no future in teaching sweat hogs.

Think beach towels.

Think beer can hats.

Think folding fishing rods.

What are you trying to say?

What am I trying to say?

Kotter and Son mementoes.

I got a proposition for you.

I wanna make you a partner. What do you say?

Pop.

We'll talk about it later, okay?

Charlie, you know, you don't understand.

The sweat hogs need Gabe.

He's working miracles with them.

Kotter the miracle worker!

Maybe you can cure my bunions, huh?

Look, I gotta go to school, pop.

I'll see you later.

Alright, get dressed and we'll go.

"We?"

Well, I wanna see, uh, some of these miracles for myself.

I'm sorry, pop, they don't allow

guests in school.

Listen, don't argue with me.

Where are the shirts? In here?

Yeah.

Oh, there's a nice shirt!

And here's a nice tie.

Pop! I can't wear that, look at that!

That clashes!

Don't tell me what clashes!

Who do you think made this little combination?

Picasso.

Put it on.

Julie, am I crazy or am I gonna lose this argument?

Both.

Gee, Charlie, I never had

a coconut paperweight before.

You got it below cost, too.

I didn't make a dime on it.

Those things don't grow on trees, you know?

Well, Charlie, you still have time

to back out or take some raw meat in with you.

Mikey, it's alright.

I just wanna see what my son does

for a living.

Well, when you find out, let me know.

He hasn't changed.

No, but we're still hoping.

Listen, pop, I want you to promise me

when we go in there, you're gonna behave yourself.

Don't worry.

I'll sit down.

I just wanna watch you work a quick miracle or two

with those sweat hogs in there.

They're nice kids.

No strings, no mirrors!

[blabbering]

Come to me, Sesame!

Come to me, Sesame!

Come to me... stop!

Stop!

[screaming]

Will you cut this out?

What?

Some miracle!

How you got these hyenas in blue jeans

I'll never know!

Go ahead, sit down all of you, go ahead.

- Yeah, right. - Sit down, little one.

Alright.

Hey, who is this guy?

Without this guy I wouldn't be

in school today.

Who are you, the bus driver?

I'm his son.

You give me one more hint.

He's married to my mother.

Alright, I almost got it, just one more hint.

He's my father!

Oh, I was gonna say that! I swear!

I was gonna say father, I was gonna say uncle.

Ohh, you must be the iceberg!

How do?

How come you hit the Titanic

in your sports shirt?

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

♪ Sports shirt on the iceberg ♪

[Gabe] Will you cut it out!

Gabe, this is worse than I thought!

Even Ripley wouldn't believe this.

Well, Mr. Kotter Sr.

I just got one thing to say to you.

Hi there.

- Sit down, Freddie. - Yeah, right.

Pop, why don't you take a seat, go ahead.

Charlie, about this coconut paperweight.

It seems to have sprung a leak.

It's dripping milk all over my attendance records.

Don't worry, I'll bring you a new one

this afternoon to your office.

You see, Kotter, there's a person.

I guess it's too late for you to take after him, huh?

By the way, Charlie, has he made a fool

of himself yet?

We just got here.

Don't worry.

Just give him a little time.

[laughs]

Pop, go ahead, take a seat.

Here you go, best seat in the house.

Okay.

Yesterday, I asked you to read about the Depression.

Now, who can tell me when it began?

Horshack.

Oh, boy, I remember!

- In 1929... - Pop! Pop!

You're supposed to be here to observe.

Excuse me!

I'll make myself the invisible man.

Okay, good.

Now, my father's right, it did start in '29.

Now, what was it like? Washington?

It was terrible!

People were jumping out of windows.

It was raining cats and Feldman's.

Hey, how do you know that Mr. Kotter the First?

Are you kidding? I was there!

My father did not come here to talk about his life.

He doesn't wanna tell you--

1929, I worked for my father

in his five and ten on Avenue L.

Now, those were the days, there were no muggings

there were no massage parlors

there was no disco duck.

Pop, pop, look.

Can I have my class back?

You wanna teach 'em about the Great Depression?

I'll tell them stories about the Great Depression.

Boy, two generations of dumb stories.

Well, I'm sorry, excuse me for breathing.

I just try to give you people some first-hand knowledge.

Gabe!

Go on and teach 'em.

This I wanna see.

♪ Once I built a railroad made of rock ♪

♪ Made a race against time ♪

♪ Wah wah wah wah wah ♪

♪ Once I built a railroad now it's done ♪

♪ Buddy can you spare a dime? ♪

♪ Wah wah wah ♪♪

This is Walter Winchell.

Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America

and all the ships at sea.

The time is 19:29 and I'm broke.

Why? The market just crashed.

We take you now to the stock market.

Hello, everybody, I'm Seymour Feldman.

I'm one of the people that jumped out the window!

You wanna know why?

'Cause the stock market is all crazy!

People are buying stocks on ten percent margin.

You put down ten cents, they get a dollar's worth of stock!

I'm telling you, it's not kosher!

Thank you very much, Seymour Feldman.

We take you now to Iowa.

My name is Eugene Hasey.

I'm a farmer, and I work hard for my money.

But I don't share in the wealth

neither did the unskilled laborers.

I tell you, it's not right!

Everybody should share in the wealth!

Thank you very much.

And now we take you to the president

of the United States, Mr. Herbert Hoover.

I'm Herbert Hoover, president of the United States.

I also make vacuum cleaners.

Now, we're making too much product.

That's right, we're overproducing!

Door knobs, you got too many door knobs.

Not enough doors to put them on!

I know what you're gonna say, say

"Why don't we sell them to the foreign countries?"

Well, we can't!

Tariffs are too high

and they don't wanna buy 'em!

♪ Once I built a railroad now it's done ♪

♪ Wah wah wah wah wah ♪

And that's the way it was 1929

this is Walter Winchell.

Goodnight!

[applause]

What was that? A floor show?

Washington.

What caused the stock market crash?

Uh, uh, 'cause them turkeys was putting down

ten cents on the dollar for all the stocks

that they was buying.

Right.

Epstein, why were the farmers and the unskilled

laborers mad?

Well, they were bumped out 'cause they weren't

getting their share of the profits.

I don't blame 'em.

Right, Horshack, what about over production?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Because everybody was overproducing...

...door knobs.

Barbarino, why didn't the other countries

buy our products?

What products?

Come on, Vinnie, why couldn't we sell them to

the foreign countries?

I don't know, something about taxes

tariff, whatever.

I've seen enough. Gabe, outside.

Oh, if you're ever in Fort Lauderdale

and you pass my house...

- Yeah? - ...keep going.

Alright, guys, I'm gonna be out for a minute.

No camp fires.

So, this is what you do?

This is what I do, pop.

It's very interesting.

There were accents and impressions...

What do you do for the summer?

Take this show on the road?

I suppose you're waiting for me to say

that it's more important to help these kids

than to come down to Fort Lauderdale

and help me?

That's what I'd like you to say.

Pop, it's not easy to teach these kids.

You know that.

But you can't compliment me.

You never could.

Ah, what are you talking about?

Pop, I'm 30 years old.

Tell me you're proud of me.

You should hear me talk about you

to my friends in Florida.

They're sick of hearing about you!

But what are we talking out here for?

Your sweat hogs are waiting for you.

Okay, pop.

I'll see you for dinner.

I'm proud of you, my son.

I heard you.

My son, the eavesdropper.

I'll see you at dinner, son.

♪♪

Julie dear, did you ever hear about

what happened to my brother Saul Kotter?

No, Charlie, why don't you tell me about it?

Well, one day Saul was walking across the street

and got hit by a diesel truck.

How awful.

It certainly was.

And a policeman ran up and he took off his jacket

and put it under Saul's head

and he loosens his tie.

And the policeman says, "Are you comfortable?"

And Saul looks up and says, "I make a good living."

Ah, how're you doing?

- Hello, Gabe. - Hi, honey.

Well, have a nice day today?

Yup, how was your day?

Oh, pretty good.

- Julie! - What?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Saul?

♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪