Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle who was a hunter?

Your uncle was a Kotter, Gabe.

- Very funny, Julie. - I know.

My uncle, Caul Kotter, was a hunter.

Not really, but my Aunt Kay made him a hunter

'cause he didn't have a hobby and she thought it'd be nice

if he took up hunting, right? Bought him a gun and she said

"Go out in the woods and find some game."

What did he find?

Well, he was in the woods and this beautiful girl

comes out of the bushes, she's wearing this

beautiful hunter outfit, right?

Well, what happened?

Well, he looked at her and he said, "Are you game?"

And she said, "Yes."

So he shot her.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Look at this, look at this, the school newspaper's

doin' it again, they're puttin' down a sweathog.

"Boom boom blows big game

as Buchanan basket ballers bow."

Aw, poor Freddie.

Who lets 'em write this junk?

Who else, the faculty advisor.

Oh yeah? We're gonna have to get Kotter after him.

- Ah, we can't. - Why not?

Kotter is the faculty advisor.

Nice day, how you doin'?

Ah, Freddie, Freddie, my little Afro-American amigo.

Oh, Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, about

"Boom Boom blows big game

as Buchanan basket ballers bow."

Bad break, buckaroo.

Ah, don't worry about it, Freddie.

Now most guys go through their whole life

never even gettin' a chance to blow that big game.

Good morning!

Mr. Kotter, how could you let the bugle

print something like this?

"Boom boom blows big game--"

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

[Horshack] What?

If you say that one more time

you know what the next headline's gonna read?

What?

"Horshack hospitalized

as heavy hammer hits head hard."

- You got me? - Gotcha.

I'm sorry about the game, Freddie.

But, uh, I'm an advisor, not a censor.

Todd, Judy, and the rest of the kids down at the bugle

they have a right to their opinion.

Oh yeah, but not like this. Listen to this.

"Last night, Freddie was so bad

the only dribblin' he did was down the front of his shirt."

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I ain't no sore loser

but it just ain't basketball.

They blame everything on us.

- Yeah, they really do. - Everything.

Everything? Come on, guys.

Now you know that's not true.

Oh yeah? Then how come the last time

there was a solar eclipse, the headline ran

"Sweathogs Swipes Sun"?

Now I told them not to print that, but they had proof.

Hey, did you see this on the front page?

Listen to this.

"Principal Lazarus's office was broken into last night

and some of his confidential files were stolen."

They probably blame that on us, too.

Alright, alright. Come on, you guys are gettin' paranoid.

They're not gonna blame you for the Lazarus break-in.

Alright, Kotter.

Which one of your sweathogs is guilty of the Lazarus break-in?

Mr. Woodman, why do you blame everything that goes wrong

around here on the sweathogs?

Well, you're right, I shouldn't jump to conclusions

about your students.

Where were you last night?

I was at a PTA meeting, Mr. Woodman

one of the few who showed up for your speech.

Self defense with a number 2 pencil.

Look, all I know is Principal Lazarus ordered me

to make a full investigation of this burglary.

Now as long as I'm vice principal there will be

no whitewash at Buchanan.

Oh, well, Washington

"Boom boom blows big game

as Buchanan basket ballers bow."

I love that, uh, dribbling down the shirt line.

[laughs]

I gotta get you a bib, you get it, a bib.

Ain't that stupid?

Thinkin' one of us would steal those dumb files.

I mean, that's really an insult.

What was in 'em, Epstein?

Now wait a second now, wait a second.

Now I'm clean on this one.

You see that, Mr. Kotter?

I mean, now even we startin' to think everything's our fault.

- That's right. - Yeah, yeah, look.

We're not responsible for everything

that goes wrong around here.

Maybe about 75 percent.

On a good day, maybe 80, ah.

You wanna know why you people get blamed for everything?

Because you are never around to defend yourselves.

You know, not one, wait a second, not one sweathog

works on the student newspaper.

[Sweathogs] Aw come on.

Alright, tell you what I am going to do.

Any sweathog who works on the school newspaper

I will give extra credit.

Extra credit?

I don't even care about the regular credit.

Newspapers mold people's minds.

Who wants to make a moldy mind?

Don't you people understand?

Newspapers have changed history.

They've made kings, unseated presidents.

Newspapers have altered the course of human events.

Hey, he's-he's losin' control.

Somebody do somethin', it's embarrassing.

Sorry, I, uh...

I went away for a while, but now I'm back.

I'm just trying to show you that newspapers have real power.

Power?

- You hear that, Arnold? - Yeah.

Power.

Sweathog power.

- Power to the sweathog! - Yeah, yeah.

Power to the sweathog!

I can see it now.

The New York daily Barbarino.

The first newspaper with a centerfold.

Look, I'm saying use the press, don't abuse it.

Become part of it, contribute to it.

Maybe do some investigative reporting, huh?

Find out who's responsible for the Lazarus break-in.

Oh, it's just like "All The President's Men."

All right, but I get to be Robert Redford.

And I get to be Dustin Hoffman.

You don't look like Dustin Hoffman.

"I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here!"

Okay, Charlene, I want you to report on the school play.

It's called "Fiddler on my sister."

And Todd, I want you to follow up any leads

on the principal Lazarus burglary, okay?

- Right. - Good.

- Hi Judy. - Oh hi, Mr. Kotter.

Look, I brought some new recruits to the paper.

Sweathogs on the Bugle?

Chain the typewriters, stop the presses.

No, on second thought, hide the presses.

Why don't you just put 'em on the school crime beat?

That way they can be right there to report on themselves.

[laughing]

Excuse me a minute.

May I have a word with you, Todd?

In your ear with Rosy Grier.

Why don't you have a seat right here, Mr. Washington?

Mr. Washington would like to write the school's sports page.

Yeah.

And I would like to be

the Buchanan gossip columnist.

I happen to know where all the bodies

are buried around here.

Sure you do.

Like you and that little cheerleader

from Rod McHughan high school in Scarsdale, Todd?

The one with the big pom-poms?

[Judy laughing]

And what are you laughing at, Judith?

I hear there's a very fancy park Avenue plastic surgeon

who's using your old nose as his waiting room.

Oh, cute, real cute.

- Alright, alright, alright... - And we must not forget--

Just have a seat right over here, Rona Horshack.

I don't know about sweathogs on the school paper...

Oh, Judy, Judy don't you worry about it.

It's gonna work out just fine

and I have something else for you.

What every newspaper needs.

Your own team of crack investigative reporters.

Vinnie Barbarino and Juan Epstein.

Vin-Stein!

Hey, don't worry, chief.

We're gonna get the story on this Lazarus break-in.

Hey Epstein, why don't you just save time and confess?

[laughing]

Hey Todd, as you say in the newspaper biz...

...put your Sunday times where the Sun don't shine.

[telephone ringing]

Buchanan Bugle. Chief Bugle speaking.

The cafeteria was just broken into!

Thanks!

How much did they take?

No money, just 40 pounds of raw liver.

Who would want 40 pounds of raw liver?

Maybe some crazed delicatessen owner.

If we don't hurry, by tomorrow, that liver could be chopped up

and in sandwiches all over Brooklyn.

He's right. Todd, you go over to the cafeteria right away

and see what you can find out.

Vin-Stein, you guys stay on the

Lazarus burglary break-in. Okay?

Gotcha, chief. Come on, Vinnie, let's follow up our leads.

[Barbarino] Right.

What leads?

Oh yeah.

Well, in that case, let's go have lunch.

Oh, Kotter, Lazarus tells me you're

faculty advisor to the Bugle this month.

That's right, Mr. Woodman, and we're gonna get to

the bottom of this break-in, don't worry.

Yep, me and Vinnie gonna investigate the pants off it.

Well, principal Lazarus has thought it over.

And he wants the investigation dropped.

- What? Huh? - What for?

For a very good reason.

- He said so. - Whoa, whoa, wait a second,

We've been workin' on this thing all day.

Yeah, what's goin' on here, Mr. Woodman?

Well, I don't seem to be getting through to you people.

Let me phrase it in sweathog terms.

Put a cork in it, clowns.

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

Little too much heat in the kitchen?

Yeah, Mr. Woodman, the kids are gettin'--

A cork, Kotter. Cork it.

Why don't you just let 'em try--

Cork it.

- What are they afraid of? - Cork it!

[Horschack moans]

Since when did they start wrapping Twinkies

from the inside?

Hey, it's a note!

I got a fortune Twinkie.

- Let me see that, Arnold. - Here.

Not the Twinkie, the note. Give me the note.

[Freddie] What's in it?

This looks like a tip on the Lazarus break-in.

- Yeah. - Alright.

And it's signed Deep Throat.

Wow.

Deep throat?

So what are we gonna do?

Ah, no. No.

I got the feelin' someone's lookin' over my shoulder.

I'm not sure, Vinnie, but I think it's me.

Ah!

[knocking]

[knock from inside]

[back and forth knocking]

You got it, you got it.

Are you the guy who left the note in Horshack's Twinkie?

[deep throat] Yes, but I had no choice.

It wouldn't fit in his tootsie roll.

Well, who are ya?

[deep throat] I'm deep throat.

But you can call me Deep.

Well, Deep, do you know who broke into

Principal Lazarus's office?

[deep throat] Yes.

[throaty voice] And why they stole his files?

[deep throat] What?

And why they stole his files?

[deep throat] What?

You don't gotta disguise your voice.

[deep throat] If you want to learn the truth...

...follow the liver.

Follow the liver?

What do I do when I catch up to it?

[deep throat] The two break-ins are connected.

Now, this thing goes all the way to the top.

Now listen carefully.

Alright, what's goin' on?

Oh, look, I'm sorry to get you

down here, Mr. Kotter but you...

Yeah, but the paper goes to press tonight

and we need the faculty advisor's approval

before we can print this story on the Lazarus break-in.

That's alright, I was just home tellin' my wife a joke.

In a tuxedo?

Yeah, well, once a week we play nightclub.

I get dressed in a tuxedo and tell Julie jokes

and she sits there and heckles me in an evening gown.

Alright, let me read this.

I gotta get back for the 11 o'clock show.

Yeah, I understand. You married people

you do things like that, right?

Otherwise you get real bored.

Yeah, sure.

So what do you think of the story, huh?

Hey, we gonna blow the roof right off Buchanan.

You sure of your facts here, Juan?

Hey, you gotta be 18 to get into your nightclub?

I was only kidding, Vinnie. I was at a wedding.

Oh, that's too bad.

If you ever do that, let me know

'cause I'd love to come over and play busboy.

So come on, what do you think of the story?

Can we print it?

Let me get this straight.

You're saying that the liver robbery

and the Lazarus break-in are connected?

Right, right.

You see, some big shot down at the school board

hasn't been buyin' real liver.

Now he's been buyin' somethin' called textured protein.

Looks and tastes like real liver, except it's cheaper.

In other words, every Tuesday instead of not eating liver

I've been not eating textured protein?

Yeah, and that somebody has been pocketin' the difference.

And the files that were stolen from Lazarus's office

they're gonna prove it.

If what you're saying here is true, Epstein

then somebody at the Buchanan administration

had to know about it.

Right, and that somebody's bein' covered up

by the Mr. Big at the school board.

You've gotta be sure of your facts before you can

print a story like this. I mean, this is hot stuff.

How reliable are your sources?

Well, why don't you just come on and decide for yourself?

Yeah, he's waitin' out in the hall right now.

Now look, we can't get too close.

He wants to keep his identity a secret.

So walk this way.

[knocking back and forth]

[deep throat] Don't come any closer.

Keep looking straight ahead.

Alright, I'm looking straight ahead. Who are you?

You can call me Deep Throat.

- Okay, now what do you know-- - Or you can call me Deep.

- Alright, can I-- - Or you can call me Throat.

- Alright, Throat, can I-- - My friends just call me DT.

Enough already.

Alright.

Can you tell me what you know?

It's all true.

One of the board members was pulling

the old liver switch.

When he was afraid he might get caught

he had the files

and the fake liver heisted.

Now tell me, Deep, who else knew about this?

Certain people...

...in the Buchanan administration.

But they were afraid they'd lose their jobs

if they talked.

Now, go on, beat it.

I've already said too much.

I must go home and gargle.

So what do you think, what do you think?

Yeah, come on, can we print it?

But you realize it came straight from the top to cork it, right?

- Yeah, yeah, but come on-- - Wait a second.

Yeah, yeah, Epstein.

If you guys are wrong, I could lose my job.

And you know what they'd do to you.

What?

Put us in a dumber class?

Look, Mr. Kotter, you got us started on this newspaper thing.

Now what do you want, us to back down?

I'm not saying back down, I just want you to know

everything that's involved here.

I believe the story.

Well, don't just stand there.

Go with it.

[theme music]

I don't believe it!

How could you print this?

My article's the truth, Ludlow.

I'm not talkin' about your article, Epstein

I'm talkin' about Horshack's gossip column.

You mean "Up Arnold's Alley"?

[Todd] Yeah.

"What well-known Buchanan figure was just dumped on

"by his cheerleader girlfriend from Scarsdale?

Hint, his initials are Todd Ludlow."

Kotter, Principal Lazarus wants to know

if you gave Epstein and Barbarino permission

to print this article about the break-in.

That's right, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,

I had nothing to do with it.

I'm an honest student.

In my whole life, I've never even gotten a B.

Neither have I.

[laughing]

Do you realize the implications of this article?

You're accusing a board member of burglary, conspiracy

illegal possession of liver!

Hey, don't let him come down on you like that, Mr. Kotter.

They should put those guys in jail and throw away the key.

- Yeah. - Now, now, now, Juan.

You hot-blooded young Turk.

I'm a Puerto Rican Jew.

The same thing. Your blood is hot.

Now look, Principal Lazarus is grateful.

The board is conducting a full scale investigation

which will have his complete cooperation.

[indistinct shouting]

But it should make things pretty hot for old Lazarus.

He'll rue the day they made him principal over me.

You see this? This is what I was talkin' about.

This is the power of the press.

Exposing corruption, unseating the mighty

and bringing them before the bar of justice!

See, he's out of control again.

I'm sorry, you know, I'm-I'm alright.

I went away for a while.

I'm back.

Well, anyway, this board member will undoubtedly have to resign.

Oh, principal Lazarus told me to assure all of you

that from now on you'll be getting real liver every week.

- Ew. - Oh.

I hate liver.

But it's better than that textured protein stuff.

I love textured protein.

It has a nice texture.

- You know what puzzles me? - What's that?

- Who was Deep Throat? - I don't know.

[throaty voice] You can call me Deep.

It was you, Mr. Woodman?

Or you can call me Throat.

[Kotter] That's the voice, that's it!

- Or you can call me DT. - No.

[Kotter] That was Woodman!

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, forget about that for a second.

Listen, guys, I gotta tell you a joke

about my uncle Max who

hired some investigative reporters.

- Oh, please, don't do this. - Oh...

No, no, you guys are gonna like this joke.

It's a good joke. He was a barber, right?

And one day this guy comes into his shop, he says

"How long do I have to wait to get a hair cut?"

So my uncle Max says, "Well, about an hour."

The guy leaves, comes back the next day.

"How long do I have to wait to get a hair cut?"

Max says, "About an hour." The guy leaves.

This goes on for a week, every day.

"How long to get a hair cut?"

"Bout an hour," guy leaves.

Uncle Max is gettin' curious

so he hires an investigative reporter

to find out what was goin' on.

It's just like you and me, Vinnie.

So what happened?

Investigative reporter follows

the guy, goes back to my uncle's

barbershop, uncle Max said

"Well, did you find out where the guy

goes when he leaves here?"

Reporter said, "Yeah, to your house."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪