Original subtitles

- Julie. - What?

Did I ever tell you about my uncle

who was an inventor?

No, what did he invent?

Well, he invented a new deodorant.

Hm, what was it called?

Invisible.

Why was it called "Invisible?"

Because if you put this deodorant on

you would disappear.

Smell would stay the same...

...but nobody knew where it was coming from.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay, anybody have a question about the war of 1812?

Yeah, when did it start?

[laughter]

1492.

I don't know what's the matter with you people today.

It's like your brains are absent.

Speaking about brains being absent, where's Barbarino?

Uh, Vinnie came out with some wisecracks

during gym class, so Caruso wanted to have

you know, a little chit-chat with him afterwards.

- What did Vinnie say? - Well, you know Vinnie.

He was clowning around during gymnastics

he got up on the side horse

and he was trying to do his Barbarino dance.

♪ I said ba ba ba ba Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba ba ba... ♪♪

Epstein!

Epstein, I get the picture.

It's a lucky thing he didn't break a leg.

- Oh, he did. - What?

Not Vinnie. He broke a leg on the side horse.

So, Mr. Caruso told Vinnie

to take the horse to woodshop and fix it.

And then he said

"Why don't we just shoot it?"

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

So, Mr. Caruso, he gets all red in the face

and he says, "I want to see you

in my office after class!"

I'm surprised that Caruso got upset

over one little wisecrack.

Oh, see, I think it was what Vinnie said to him yesterday.

Caruso got real mad when Vinnie told him to

"Go blow it out his whistle."

And on Tuesday, when Caruso told Vinnie he took track in college

Vinnie said he was the only guy to stop in the middle

of the race and ask for directions.

[laughter]

Well, well, well, well, well.

If it isn't Vinnie Youngman.

[Arnold] Hey, Vinnie, what happened with you and Mr. Caruso?

Nothing happened.

What was you teaching when I walked in?

Go back to teaching that thing.

Okay, let's get back to the war of 1812.

[Juan] Well, I'd rather hear about the war

between Vinnie and Mr. Caruso.

[all clamoring]

That's Vinnie's business.

I don't want to hear anything else about what happened

in gym between Barbarino and Mr. Caruso.

Oh, I'll tell 'em about what happened in gym

between Barbarino and Mr. Caruso.

Now there's a rumor floating around

that Caruso clobbered Barbarino outside his office

in full view of the girls' gym class.

[all gasping]

[indistinct chatter]

Hold on!

Are you saying that Caruso actually hit Vinnie?

That's what I'm trying to establish.

Now, you know, Kotter, there are rules

against hitting students, even Sweathogs.

Why, I don't know.

Vinnie, is this true? Did this actually happen?

No, it's not true.

Them girls must be seeing things.

Now that's the right attitude, Barbarino.

Uh, no visible bruises?

Good, that means no student was struck

parents don't have to come to school

and most of all

Principal Lazarus can get off my donkey.

[bell ringing]

Alright, alright, see you tomorrow.

Read that chapter on the war of 1812.

We already done that.

Then read chapter 14 again.

[all groan]

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

He's fine, he's fine.

Okay, Vinnie, you want to tell us what really happened?

[Freddie] What's happening, man, what's the problem?

What is to tell?

Look, I was in the office, right?

And Caruso was chewing me out about wisecracking all week.

So I go, I say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"

and I walk out the door, he turns around and he hits me.

Gee, Vinnie.

To get hit in front of the girls' gym class.

By tonight, all of Brooklyn is gonna know about this.

Are you kiddin'?

Those girls?

It'll be on the seven o'clock news.

Now look, Vinnie, I think we got a case here.

I'm gonna send you to my brother's public offender.

He's with a big law firm

Shapiro, Shapiro, and Whiplash.

Then we're gonna get Caruso right by the gym shorts.

Alright!

So, Vinnie, what are you gonna do?

Don't worry about it, I'm-I'm, I'm planning a strategy

right now, right while we're talking.

Yeah, like which fist he's gonna use first.

Yeah.

Ambush or broad daylight?

Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen

I think you have another class to go to

because I have another one coming in here

so why don't you cool down

and give Mr. Barbarino a chance to cool down?

- That's fine. - Alright.

- Be brave, little soldier. - Yup.

You do what you gotta do, Vinnie.

Yeah, it ain't nothin' to it, a baby can do it.

[Julie] Honey, would you get the door?

I got the refrigerator door, you get the front door.

[Julie groans]

Hi, Mrs. Kotter, how you doin'?

I just have a little cold, I'm okay.

That's good.

Listen, I'm sorry I barged in on you like this

but, you know.

Oh, it's alright.

Listen, we were expecting you.

Mr. Kotter told me all about it, Vinnie.

Hey, did you guys watch the news tonight?

Was there anything about me and Caruso in it?

No, but they broke right into the middle

of bowling for dentures.

"Caruso clouts Barbarino, film at 11."

Are you kiddin'?

Yes, Vinnie, he's kidding.

I'm kidding, Vinnie, come on, you want a soda?

Yeah, I'd love a soda, what kind you got?

Let's see, we got, uh, Pepsi, grape, orange

strawberry, raspberry, and non-carbonated.

You got root beer?

Got Pepsi, grape, orange

raspberry, strawberry, and non-carbonated.

No root beer?

Pepsi... grape... orange...

...strawberry... raspberry

non-carbonated.

I like root beer.

- Small or diet? - I'll have a Pepsi.

Have a Pepsi. Well, how'd it go today?

Terrible. I've been getting calls all day long.

My brother, he called me

he said he's been dishonored.

He's changing his name to Lefkowitz.

[chuckles] It's really stupid, ain't it?

Lefkowitz Barbarino?

Come on, Vinnie, sit down.

Look, you got a problem, and we're gonna work on it

solve it.

But you gotta tell me

that you're not seriously thinking of hitting him.

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter, I'm beyond that now.

I'm happy to hear you say that, Vinnie.

I'm gonna borrow my uncle's cement truck and run him over.

Vinnie!

It was a joke, Mrs. Kotter, just a joke.

Vinnie, be serious.

Don't let yourself get pushed into hitting him.

If you do, you could get thrown out of school.

Oh, come on, that's some choice.

If I hit him, I get thrown out of school, right?

If I don't hit him, I get laughed out of school.

What if I wait till I graduate, then I hit him?

Come on, Vinnie, you think you can wait 15 years?

[sarcastically laughs] Boy, you're funny today, aren't you?

Boy, everybody's on my case today, can't believe it.

Oh, Vinnie, I'm sure that your friends

understand the situation that you're in.

No, I don't-I don't think so, Mrs. Kotter.

I mean, all they know is that Vinnie Barbarino

got slapped around.

I feel like nothin'!

I feel like a crumb!

- Did you ever feel that way? - Oh, no, Vinnie, wait.

You're asking for one of his stories.

Let me tell you what happened once.

Too late.

There was this friend of mine...

Bonzo Moretti.

...Bonzo Moretti.

Now, Bonzo was just like you.

Bonzo was bigger than you, and one day, Caruso, boom

slaps him, right?

Bonzo had the same problem as you had.

He knew that if he hit Caruso back

he'd get thrown out of school

and that would really affect his family

especially his mother.

Yeah, so what happened?

Well, Bonzo decided that his family

was more important than any revenge

so he never laid a hand on Caruso.

Is that it, is that the story?

No, there's more.

Bonzo's mother found out what happened anyway

and she went to school the next week

and hit Caruso with an Italian salami.

Nah, my mother would never hit nobody.

She just prays, you know?

Like she'd pray that Caruso would have an accident.

Vinnie, do me a favor.

Promise me you won't do anything in school tomorrow.

[scoffs] Well, I haven't done anything for two years.

What should make tomorrow any different?

Look, just give me 24 hours.

I'll try and solve your problem.

Nah, I don't think I could do that.

I'll give you to the same time tomorrow.

[Julie] Look...

Vinnie, Mr. Kotter will handle things

I know that he'll do the right thing.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - I hope.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, could I talk to you for a minute?

[Julie] Sure, Vinnie.

Look, now, um...

...I don't want to tell you how to run your household or nothin'

but people do like root beer.

Bye, Vinnie.

Now, look, it don't matter what kind.

Draft, regular...

See you later, Vinnie. Have a nice night.

And Danish, a nice Danish.

You drink, you drink the root beer, you eat the Danish...

- Bye. - Good time, right?

- Tomorrow. - Bye, Vinnie.

[theme music]

Oh, you're brown-bagging it again, huh, Kotter?

What's the matter, cafeteria too expensive?

- Have a grape, Mr. Woodman. - Thank you.

I think I'm gonna be brown-bagging a lot

after that lunch yesterday.

Oh, you mean the roast leg of surprise?

Roast leg of surprise.

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of in my life.

Well, I enjoyed it very much.

Mine had a toy whistle in it.

Mr. Pearlman was the lucky one though.

He got a complete set of luggage.

Go ahead, have some more grapes, go ahead.

Alright.

Mr. Woodman, let me give you a hypothetical situation.

Suppose two of your teachers had a confrontation.

What would you do?

I'd probably fire you.

Can I have my grapes back?

Who's the other teacher?

Mr. Caruso.

Oh, that's different.

I'd definitely fire you.

Mr. Woodman, I don't know why everybody's afraid of Caruso.

I mean, everyone knows his methods are wrong

but nobody does anything about it.

He's an ordinary man, Mr. Woodman.

Try to imagine him in his underwear.

Oh, you're sick.

Sick, Kotter!

- Oh, hello, Lou. - Hi, Mr. Woodman.

You know, Lou, in the twenty-odd years

I've known you, I never once tried

to imagine you in your underwear.

Well, I think Woodman's gone over the edge, Kotter.

Yup, the old pilot light's gone out.

I think it's just a gas leak.

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, I had a note in my box you wanted to see me.

What's on your mind?

Lou, how long we known each other?

Fifteen, sixteen years?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, you and your friend, Bozo.

Bonzo!

Bonzo.

He was the one who had that wacky mother.

She hit me with a salami once. Remember?

Well, she felt bad, you know, you hit her kid.

How'd you feel when she hit you with the salami?

Greasy.

Lou, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Hitting kids.

Namely one Vinnie Barbarino.

Now, look, Gabe.

I like you, we get along just fine.

Let's keep it that way.

You work your way, I'll work mine, okay?

Lou, when I was a student

and I heard that you punched a kid

it bothered me.

Now that I'm a teacher, it bothers me a lot more.

Especially when they're my kids.

Now, listen, Gabe, this is a tough school

with tough kids.

I teach in the best way I know how.

Once in a while, one of them gets a little too fresh

and I might slap one of them.

Slap now, not punch.

It's nothing, anyway.

It was something to Barbarino.

Barbarino?

Oh, Gabe, let me tell you about this Barbarino.

Now, all week long, that kid

has been making wisecracks in my class

but yesterday, he went nuts on me.

He jumped up on top of a side horse

and starts hollering out his name.

♪ Ba ba ba Barbarino ♪♪

I swear, there's something wrong with that boy, Gabe.

Anyway, I took him into my office

for a little talk, you know? I said, "Now, listen, kid

I don't want to hear any more of those wisecracks."

He said, "What?" Now he talks.

I said, "The wisecracks you've been making all week."

He said, "Where?"

I said, "In the gym." he said, "Why?"

Gabe, this thing was driving me crazy.

Anyway, all of a sudden, he just gets up and walks out.

Well, I gave a little shot, didn't even hurt him.

Anyway, then he turned around and said

"What'd you do that for?"

So, just like him, I said, "What?"

He said, "What'd you hit me for?"

I said, "Where?"

And then he just left.

It's nothin', look, I'll see you tomorrow.

Lou!

Slapping, punching, it's no way

to get through to a kid.

It's just wrong.

Plus you were indiscreet, you slapped him

right in front of a girls' gym class.

Yeah, well, it wasn't supposed to happen that way.

Well, it did.

Vinnie's gonna do something about it

not because he wants to

he feels he has to.

Come on, now, Gabe, just what is he gonna do?

Lou, I don't think you understand.

You humiliated him.

He's a street kid.

He's not a scholar, he's not an athlete.

He's got his pride, his position.

You take that away from him, what's he got left?

His big mouth, that's what he's got left.

What do you want me to do anyway, apologize?

Yes, I want you to come to my class

this afternoon, I'm gonna have Vinnie

say he's sorry for making the wisecracks

and I want you to say you're sorry for hitting him.

Now, wait a minute, Gabe.

Look, I'm sorry that the girls saw what happened

but really now, come on

don't ask me to apologize in front of a class

especially this class.

Listen, Gabe

I've been in this school 28 years.

I got my pride, I got my position.

- Your what? - My pride, my...

Like Vinnie Barbarino?

Listen, Gabe, I'm a good teacher.

Those kids respect me.

Lou, they fear you.

Come here this afternoon and give them a chance

to respect you.

Okay.

Okay, Gabe.

Vinnie, Vinnie.

How'd it go in gym today?

I didn't go.

I wasn't gonna spend 40 minutes in that class.

Hey, your time is up. What'd you do?

Vinnie, I think I solved your problem.

Caruso is coming to our class today.

What? What did I cut gym for?

Listen, I made a deal.

When he comes in, I want you to apologize to him.

- Then I'm gonna... - That's some deal.

I get hit, and I gotta apologize to him?

It's a good thing I didn't give you 48 hours.

You'd have me painting his garage.

- Let me finish, okay? - Alright.

Now after you apologize to him, he's gonna say

that he's sorry for hitting you.

Yeah?

You're kiddin'.

In this class right over here, the Sweathogs?

Okay, then you're gonna shake hands with the man

and the whole thing is gonna be over, okay?

W-wait a minute, let me think about it.

Alright, let me think.

He comes in the class and I say to him I'm sorry

and the guys go, "Whoa, I can't believe it," right?

And then he says to me, "I'm sorry for hitting you."

And the kids go, "Wow!"

Alright, I'll do it.

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, didn't see in gym class, did we, guys?

No, no, that's because Vinnie didn't want

to meet up with another right...

...from Mr. Caruso.

Oh, come on, you guys.

I do not blame Vinnie for being afraid.

Mr. Caruso is a very brute person.

He's a bully, and-and-and a meanie.

And here he is now! Hello, Mr. Caruso!

Good afternoon, people.

Vinnie.

Um, Mr. Caruso, I'd just like to say to you...

I'd like to say to you that I'm sorry

for mouthing off in gym all week.

I didn't hear that! I hear nothing.

If I didn't hear that with my own eyes

I wouldn't have believed it.

Just wait a minute, would you? Just wait a minute.

He's got something to say to me, alright?

Okay, go ahead.

Lou, don't you have, uh, anything to say?

Yeah, he's got a lot to say.

Go ahead.

He's gonna say that he's sorry that he hit me

and then he's gonna apologize in front of the whole class.

Go on, say it, go ahead.

Oh, come on!

Say it!

Let's hear it, speak up!

A deal was made.

That's right, a deal was made, and the deal was

that you were supposed to apologize to me in this class

then I was supposed to apologize to you

but I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, I don't believe this.

No, that's just not my style, son.

My style is to settle this like a man.

[all gasping]

What?

Settle it, that's what.

Where?

Right here.

When?

Right now. Stand up, Barbarino.

Come over here.

- Lou, what are you doing? - Ju... Relax, will you, Gabe?

Relax.

Alright now, Barbarino.

I challenge you to arm wrestle.

[all clamoring]

You're in shape. Alright.

It's a good thing you told me "arm wrestling"

I was getting scared over there.

I didn't want to hurt you.

You know, my hands, they're registered.

At every drive-in in Brooklyn.

[laughter]

Well, okay, wise guy

let's go, let's see what you got.

Oh!

Dueling forearms!

- How macho! - Alright.

Alright, now, look, I'm gonna hold your hands.

Now, when I count to three, you start to go, okay?

Now, brace yourselves. One, two, three.

[all shouting]

Hey, look, look, look!

- There's Woodman! - Hey!

[indistinct chatter]

Vinnie, come on, come on.

You do this right, whether you win or lose.

- Alright. - Put your arm up there.

Now, you don't use this arm, and you stay on the floor, okay?

Alright, I lost my head for a second.

- Alright. - Alright.

One, two, three, go ahead.

[all shouting]

[all cheering]

Well, you may be a wise guy, kid

but you got a great forearm there.

Congratulations.

Yeah, well, you ain't so bad yourself for an old man.

[laughter]

And listen, the rest of you wise guys here

I'll see you in gym class tomorrow and don't be late.

And, Vinnie, I'll mark you present in gym class today.

He hit me again!

Hey, that was a little joke.

Alright. See you tomorrow, kids.

[Freddie] You did good, man, you did alright.

I gotta ask you one question, Lou.

Did you let Vinnie beat you?

You're a hell of a teacher, Gabe.

Put her there.

[groaning]

You know something, Gabe?

When you went to school here, I taught you

but today, you taught me.

Well, I'll tell you something

you're a better student than I was.

Listen, Gabe

everybody was a better student than you were.

I'll see you later.

[theme music]

Julie, did I ever tell you about what happened last year

when my Uncle Moe went to Miami Beach?

No, go ahead.

Okay, my Uncle Moe's in Miami Beach

and he's at the hotel, right, staying at a hotel

he wants to go swimming, so he goes down to the pool

he's about to jump in, and a little old man

is sitting there in a lounge chair, right

just getting his sun.

My Uncle Moe says to him

"Excuse me, sir, how's the water?"

What did the old man say?

Old man says, "Lukewarm."

[Julie] Uh-huh...

So, Lou jumps into the pool

and it's freezing, it's like polar bear time.

Ice, right? He swims as fast as he can to the other side

he gets out, he's cold

he goes up to the old man

he says, "How could you tell me...

[shivering]

...that that water was lukewarm?"

The old man said, "Well, I don't know

looked warm to me."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪