Original subtitles

Julia, did I ever tell you about my uncle Pete

and my aunt Priscilla?

No, go ahead.

Okay, they won a lot of money in the sweepstakes

about $10,000.

Now, they had a little disagreement

because Priscilla wanted to buy a mint coat

and Pete wanted to buy this fancy, new car.

Well, who won?

They compromised, they bought a mint coat

but they keep it in the garage.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Epstein, for the last time, I don't know if they served

burritos during the Spanish-American war.

♪ She loves me ♪

♪ She loves me ♪

She loves me.

What happened to "she loves me not?"

The odds are just better this way.

I'm in love.

Kotter, new animal for your zoo.

Mr. Woodman, you have a marvelous way

of expressing yourself.

- Hi. - Hi.

What's goin' on here?

"Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse my daughter's ugly temper.

"Don't get her mad and she won't have to deck you.

Signed Epstein's sister's mother."

Epstein's sister? I'm gonna have two Epsteins in my class?

Your mother'll get writers cramp.

The name's Carmen.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, what's my baby sister doin' here?

I ain't your baby sister

I'm only ten months younger than you.

Why didn't you tell me your grades dropped

you had to become a Ssweat hogweathog?

Well, I was savin' it for a surprise.

Surprise!

You ain't kiddin' me, are you, baby sister?

Say I'm not your baby sister, say it

or you've breathed your last note, say it!

- Say it! - You're not my baby sister!

- Louder! - You're not my baby sister!

Alright, calm down, calm down.

Baby sister!

[grunting]

Ladies and gentlemen, in the center arena...

...the two Epsteins shall now attempt for the first time

a three and a half gainer into a garbage can.

Put her down, Juan.

You think this is somethin', you should see her

when she's mad. Alright, look...

Mr. Kotter's gonna introduce you around

so try and act like you is a real person, okay?

Take it easy, take it easy, come on, take it easy. Okay.

- Friends. - Sit down, Juan, sit down.

Carmen, I'd like to introduce the whole class to you.

Okay, this is Priscilla. That's Ricky, that's Mark.

- This is Freddie Washington. - Eh, I already know her.

Man, Carmen, Carmen is the only Epstein

to ever hit me in my mouth.

- We know Juan. Stop. - You!

Vinnie Barbarino, this is Carmen Epstein.

I know Carmen.

So, Carmen, you filled out.

Filled?

Hello.

How are ya?

I'm Arnold Horshack.

I wanna have your baby.

[bell ringing]

Alright, honeymoon's over.

See ya for social studies. See you, too, Carmen.

So listen, Carmen, you know, Vinnie Barbarino

always gets crack at the new stuff.

- What stuff? - Outside, let's go.

What are you talkin' about, "stuff?"

Hey, sisters ain't included in stuff.

- Nobody is stuff. Outside. - Juan, are you crazy?

- I'm operatin'. - Operate outside.

Listen...

Juan, isn't love a bowl of cherries?

- Cherries outside. - I think it's the pits.

Pits are outside with the cherries, let's go.

Have a nice day.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure, Arnold, it was love at first sight for Julie and me.

- Yeah? - We met at a costume party.

She came as a pot roast and I came as an electric knife.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I just fell in love with Carmen Epstein.

And she's gonna become another feather in Vinnie's cap.

Mr. Kotter, I don't got no feathers in my cap.

I'm featherless, Mr. Kotter, featherless!

Arnold, come on, don't be ridiculous.

You've got feathers.

Arnold, let me tell you a little story, okay?

When I was your age, I was shy also.

There was this girl I was crazy about.

Her name was Lelani Shapiro.

Never had the nerve to ask her to go out.

Finally, one day I'm sittin' in front of my house

and feelin' sorry for myself.

This little, old Italian man, who lived upstairs

Mr. Panetteri, comes down, he says

"What's the matter with you, Gabey?

"You a nice boy, you go up to this girl

"You say, I'm a Gabey Kotter, I'm a nice boy

and I wanna go out with you, I have confidence."

So next day, I went up to Lelani, I said

"Lelani, my name's a Gabey Kotter

I'm a nice boy, I have confidence."

She told me she didn't like Italian guys.

It's a joke, Arnold, it's a joke.

Come on, have faith in yourself, I have faith in you.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I am not one of life's heavy winners.

Alright, look, Arnold, you wanna be a loser?

- Go ahead, be a loser. - Hey, Mr. Kotter.

I do not like to be called that.

Arnold, let's face the facts, I mean

the truth is that you are a loser.

Don't call me that!

Then go out there and show me

some confidence!

Okay, Mr. Kotter

you wanna see confidence?

I'll show you confidence!

There's confidence!

Arnold, that is not confidence, that's Kurt Douglas.

Stomach in... now smile.

That's confidence.

I'll show you, Mr. Kotter.

I'll show you that I'm a something

that I'm a somebody.

I am Arnold Horshack!

[theme music]

[telephone ringing]

Buchanan High.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's not in, may I take a message?

Look, Carm, I know how Vinnie's been tryin' to hit on ya.

I want you to promise me you ain't gonna go out with him.

If you don't bug off, you are gonna find

your nose in Toledo.

Hey, Epstein, Principal Lazarus is waitin' for ya.

I bet you're really in for it this time.

[laughter]

Now, you wait right here. Don't move from this spot.

You move from this spot, lightning's gonna strike ya.

It will not.

Then I will.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Jack.

- Hi. - Hi.

I just became a full-fledged Sweathog.

I'd rather be glued to a tree.

You look like somebody removed your brain.

Uh, no!

[laughing]

My brain is right here, with me.

I hardly go anywheres without it.

[laughs]

Keep honkin' like that, you're gonna attract geese.

Funny you should mention geese.

Eh...

You got any hobbies?

- I blow trumpet. - You blow trumpet!

Oh, will wonders never cease?

- We got something in common. - You play?

I listen.

Are you in luck or are you in luck?

- What do you want to hear? - Oh, I don't know--

I know "Three Blind Mice," take your choice.

Another thing in common, I love mice.

[trumpet blowing]

Oh, yeah.

Play it for me.

[cheering and applauding]

Oh, I tell ya, catchy tune, Carmen.

Uh, hey, Carmen, would...

...would you like to go out with me?

On Saturday, maybe we could go to a movie?

Hey, Carmen, you wanna go out with me some place?

I got some free time in between dates.

[stammering] Juan said not leave here.

Don't you wanna go?

Go, wanna, wanna go. Yeah.

Carmen, if your personality keeps up like this

I might let you ask me out on Saturday.

Bye, Carmen.

Bye, Sweathogs.

Goodbye, Brooklyn.

Goodbye, Judy.

- Hi, Judy. - Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Where are the absentee forms?

Thanks, Arnold.

Arnold, you're not gonna find any confidence in there.

Oh, I know, Mr. Kotter.

Oh, Judy, I found your lunch.

I think I sat on your ding dong.

Thanks a lot, Arnold. Now my lunch is squished.

Things didn't go exactly as planned, huh?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I didn't even finish asking her.

Mr. Kotter, Horshack, y'all gotta hear this poem

I wrote in honor of my new love.

Listen.

"My love is like a red, red rose

"which sure beats a rubber hose

up your nose."

Makes sense to me.

- Alright, - Yeah, yeah, sure thing, Jack.

Any other problems, you feel free to let me know.

We was just in there shootin' the breeze.

Principal Lazarus said I was in his office so much last year

it's like we're old buddies, you know.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, Principal Lazarus

wants to see ya.

You better watch out, the man doesn't like ya.

Doesn't like me? Doesn't like me, principal doesn't like me...

You know, I could've been principal.

No, but they picked him.

And then he made sure my door was smaller.

And the lettering on my door is smaller.

My desk, my chair, my wastebasket, all smaller.

My American flag has 13 stars.

I'm planning a mutiny, Kotter.

Let me know if you want in.

Hey, where's Carmen?

Oh, I saw her down the hall with Vinnie.

He was sayin' somethin' about under the boardwalk

at Coney Island.

Vinnie, you're gonna die, Vinnie.

I'm gonna kill ya, Vinnie, I'm gonna kill ya, Vinnie!

It's all over, I want him, Frankie!

[indistinct shouting]

[theme music]

Hey, Juan, you calm down enough yet now?

Nah, I still wanna kill Vinnie.

I shall devote my life to worshipping Carmen Epstein

from afar until the funeral of her ninth husband

when she will finally realize that it is I whom am her

own true love.

The shock will of course kill me. Shock! Aah! Ugh!

Arnold, you're overreacting.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter, but when I fall in love

that's it, I'm a for keeps kind of guy.

Arnold, did I tell you the story about Lelani Shapiro?

- Yeah. - Okay, I got another story.

Oh.

When I was about four, there was this girl

Babsie. She was five. I always liked older women.

Anyway, we go and play doctor, we go under the porch

play doctor, she gimme her bill, I give her my bill

we'd sue each other for malpractice.

For years, I thought that was sex.

Anyway, my point is, at one time I loved Babsie

then I loved Lelani Shapiro, and now I love Julie.

A person is capable of more than one great love in their life.

Oh, I know, Mr. Kotter, but first, I'd like to love once.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just let me get this straight, alright?

Now, Epstein don't want Vinnie to go out with Carmen, right?

Alright, alright, alright, I got that, okay. Okay.

Horshack wants to go out with Carmen, right?

- Right? - Right?

[laughs]

Then why don't y'all two just put your heads together?

Well, half a brain is better than none.

Now that's a good idea, Kotter.

Hey, Arnold, come here.

What?

I guess you're better than nothin'.

I mean, uh, nothin' would ever happen with you on a date.

- Would it? - No.

- Alright, you got my blessing. - Oh, thank you, Juan.

Hey, Freddie, how we gonna fix him up with my sister?

Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo! I got it, I got it.

Horshack, pretend that Mr. Kotter, here, is Carmen.

Go ahead, just show us what your basic approach would be.

Go ahead, show me what your basic approach is gonna be.

Go ahead. You... I've got your back.

[clears throat]

Arnold, take me out a few times first.

I love you, Carmen, I love you, I love you--

Get your hands off my sister! Get your hands off my sister!

Take it easy, Juan. Take it easy, Juan.

Oh, thank you, Juan.

No one ever told me to get away from their sister before.

[bell ringing]

Alright, let's go, go to your next class.

Come on, see you later.

See you later, Mr. Kotter, I'm so happy!

[clanking]

[theme music]

Yeah, I guess everybody's here except for Freddie, huh?

She doesn't love me no more.

She don't love me no more, read that.

"Roses are red, violets are blue

I met a guy, who I like, better than you.

Bye-bye."

See, man, if I wasn't sure she was crazy about me

I'd think this was a kiss off.

Don't pay any attention, Freddie, until you get

your third notice.

I wanna use this period, or what we have left of it

to talk about something that we don't teach in school

but I think that you should know something about.

Love! Now, what does love mean to you?

Vinnie?

Love, class...

...means never having to hear "I'm pregnant."

Please, let me kill him, I promise the man

won't feel a thing. It's gonna be painless, Vinnie.

Juan, you've been acting like a nut lately.

- What's the matter with you? - Vinnie!

If you believe in the fist fairy

you're gonna stop hittin' on my sister!

Juan, I can't do that, I want to, but I can't.

I got a disease.

[both] You got a disease?

Yes, it's called girlitis.

Every time I see a beautiful girl

my teeth, they automatically flash.

My hips, they automatically shake.

And my eyes, they automatically sparkle.

How'd you like your eyes automatically black, huh?

Alright, come on, what's the matter with you guys?

It's like in kindergarten, sit down!

I'm tryin' to teach about love, not war.

Right you are, Mr. Kotter.

Love is a many splendid thing.

It's been good to me.

Oh, sure, Vincent.

Go ahead, make mock, treat love lightly like you always do!

You don't know what love is, Vinnie!

Horshack, I think you've forgotten who you're talkin' to.

Vinnie Barbarino!

Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Arnold, that was confidence.

No, it was Kurt Douglas.

Hey, Arnold, you got guts.

I like a man with guts.

Hey, wait a minute, I got guts.

I got guts all over the place.

Vinnie, you and your guts have got a lot to learn about women.

Now, sit down.

[chuckles]

And you, my very own brother, who I love

is only interested in who won't love me.

Don't you think I can take care of myself?

- Oh, yeah, sure-- - I can't hear you!

Alright, alright, alright, you can take care of yourself.

Hey, Carm, look, I'm sorry, okay.

It's just, uh, just my way of showin' I love ya.

I love you.

Nobody's ever turned down Vinnie Barbarino before.

Yeah, well my sister did.

[bell ringing]

Mr. Kotter, you-you think I'm losin' my touch or somethin'?

No, Vincenzo, you just got a little to learn about love.

Oh, yeah.

You're gonna have to excuse me, I gotta go practice.

Practice outside.

Hey, Carmen, why don't you come with me?

I wanna show you my shell collection under the boardwalk

at Coney Island.

Arnold! You're gonna die, Arnold.

I'm gonna get you.

[theme music]

Tomorrow's another day, you'll meet somebody else.

Bye-bye.

Another day, another three dollars and forty cents.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, honey.

Hey, how's Carmen Epstein doing?

Well, Mr. Woodman figured that one Epstein was enough

for one class and I kind of agree with him.

She's back in her old class.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Yeah, hey, did I ever tell you about my Sister Eileen?

Gabe, what does that have to do with Carmen Epstein?

Nothin', but I've been home for ten seconds

I haven't told one joke.

My sister, Eileen, when she was a little kid

she lost her first tooth, right, she comes up to me, she says

"Gabey, what should I do, I lose my tooth?"

I said, "Put it under your pillow

and the good fairy'll give you a quarter."

So, that night, I snuck in her room, I took the tooth.

- And I put a quarter there. - Did she see you?

I didn't think so, but next morning

she's running around the house, "My brother's a good fairy

my brother's a good fairy, my brother's a good fairy!"

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have ♪

♪ All changed since you ♪

♪ Hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams ♪

♪ Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought ♪

♪ They'd lead you? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪