Original subtitles

- Julie. - Honey.

- You forgot your lunch again. - My lunch again!

Well, as long as you're here

I'll tell you about one of my uncles.

[huffs] Terrific.

My Uncle Jonas, he was a doctor.

Okay.

What kind of doctor was he?

A very strange doctor.

One time, this guy came in to his office Uncle Jonas says

"Stick out your tongue and go to the window!"

The guy sticks out his tongue.

Goes to the window.

He's standing for about five minutes looks back at my uncle

he says, "Will this help me?"

My uncle said, "No, but I'm mad at the guy across the street."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Hi there.

Freddie Boom Boom, the dry look.

There, perfect.

Why'd you do that for?

Oh, you see, Freddie, I like it to look messy

like I didn't have to do nothin' and I happen to look

this cute just by accident.

Hey, listen to what somebody wrote on the wall.

"Sincere sensitive cultured young man

"seeks meaningful relationship with trashy blonde.

Must have references."

Well, what kind of a loser would write something like that?

Me.

[school bell rings]

Gentlemen.

Come on, that was the bell.

Combing period is over.

Can we go and do some work on the inside of your heads?

Come on, Mr. Kotter, just a couple little

last-minute touches here, alright?

You see, when you're the sweathog heartthrob

you got a responsibility to look perfect.

Let's go, come on, no more stalling, pronto!

Hey, uh, Vinnie.

If you keep teasing your hair, your scalp

is gonna leave you for a hot-comb.

Come on, come on.

Yeah, come on, Juan, we don't wanna be tardy.

Alright, I'll be right with ya.

As soon as I grab a smoke.

Oh, Juan, Juan, Juan.

[blows]

I am surprised at you!

Don't you know that cigarette smoking is against school rules?

Ah!

[coughs]

So why don't you report me, Arnold?

- What? Report? - Yeah, yeah.

- Oh no! - No!

- No! - No!

I would never report you for smoking, Juan.

What cigarette, I don't see a cigarette.

Hello, Mr. Woodman and Mr. Kotter.

It smells like smoking, it won't work, Epstein.

I saw you with a cigarette.

[toilet flushes]

What cigarette?

That cigarette.

And I oughta make you go after it.

Come on, Epstein, let's go, get outta there.

Come on.

When did you start smoking?

What smokin', hey.

I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you know?

I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got

the only time you get to use the bathroom by yourself

is on your birthday.

Nine brothers and sisters living in the ghetto.

Don't bother, Epstein, that underprivileged kid stuff

may work on Kotter, but it won't work on me.

Now remember, you're talking to a man

who hates "Captain Kangaroo!"

I'm takin' you over to principal Lazarus's office.

Wait a second, I didn't even get a chance to wash my hands!

How about personal hygiene?

[theme music]

Principal Lazarus is really gonna give it

to Epstein this time, you know, Kotter

I haven't had this much fun since I suspended

a cheerleader for showing her pom-poms to a rotary club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jack.

Look, there's no need to take Woodman off restroom patrol.

It, uh, makes his day, you know?

And by the way, Jack, don't forget what I told you.

This week, take the Jets and the points!

How'd you do, Juan?

I'm free, I just got a warnin'.

Well, alright.

I just don't understand.

Lazarus doesn't like anybody.

Except Epstein. Why?

Well, that's because, uh...

Why is that?

Well, that's because Jack thinks of me like a son.

Doesn't he have a son?

Oh, yeah, Harold, but Harold's a real

disappointment to Jack, you know?

Since he moved to Oregon and joined that

vegetarian nudist colony.

Oh, right, the vegetarian nudists, I read about them.

They have their own religion.

They believe that after you die, you return as a Cesar salad.

A vegetarian nudist colony.

Wow.

I bet you could have one wild weekend

with just a couple of bottles of Roquefort dressing.

Huh?

What does that mean, that I can get back into the dance?

It's not fair.

I don't want much out of life.

Just to transfer to a school in Scarsdale...

...and my real teeth back.

Come on, Vinnie, how about lunch, I'm buyin'.

Uh, uh, Juan, wait a second.

You know, just 'cause you didn't get in trouble that's no reason

you should smoke in school or anyplace else.

It's just not healthy.

Yeah, well, that's what principal Lazarus told me

so I promised him I was gonna quit.

Good boy, Juan.

- That's smart thinkin'. - Yeah.

Besides, I'm sure sooner or later

you'll pick up another bad habit.

Look, are you sure about the Jets and the points

I bet 50 cents with Julia, do you think you can--

Hey, hey, look who you're talking to, huh?

Sure, the Jets a sure thing.

[theme music]

Freddie, I never tried one of them things

this fro comb, let me try that.

Go ahead.

Ow!

I guess it don't work on Italian hair.

Hello, chaps!

Oh.

Smoke.

Well, as they say, where there's smoke, there's fire!

Fire in the school!

Fire in the school!

Ah!

You know, Arnold, you're gonna have a hard time

gettin' this baby lit.

What's goin' on here, what is this?

Epstein, I thought you said you were gonna stop smoking.

Look, I tried, Mr. Kotter, but I can't, okay?

I mean, I've been smokin' since I was 12

you know, on and off, on and off.

All of a sudden, I can't quit.

You can quit, Juan, it just might be

a little more difficult this time.

Do you know that since the surgeon general's report

on smoking in 1964, over 30 million people have quit?

[all] Really?

That's right, I think I read it in "Cosmopolitan."

Well, I don't buy it.

Julie buys it, so it's layin' around the house, so I read it.

So what, I mean, it's got some interesting articles.

"How costumes saved my marriage."

"Menu planning if you're dating a soccer team."

You know, Mr. Kotter.

It, it ain't easy to break a bad habit.

Let me tell you guys a little story.

- Oh. - Oh, there we go again.

You know, for a young guy, he's got a lot of stories.

Can't you wait till you get home and tell your wife?

No, I never told you this one before.

When I was about 12, I had a monkey on my back.

That's right, I was hooked on potato knishes.

It all started out innocent. You know I was in Coney Island.

A young kid walkin' around Coney Island.

This guy came up to me, he said

"Hey kid, come here.

Want a free knish?" I said, "Sure why not?"

It was free, so I took it. Next day, same guy.

"Hey, kid, come here, you want another free knish?"

I said, "great," it was free, it was easy

I was rolling in clover, free knish every day

when was it gonna stop?

I'll tell ya when it stopped, two weeks later.

I went up to the guy and said, "Hey, mister.

Where's my free knish?"

"Hey, I'm sorry kid.

"I gotta make a living.

Knishes aren't free anymore."

From that day on, all my money went on knishes

my whole allowance.

I was up to five knishes a day, Barbarino.

Five a day.

Then I found out I didn't get the same kick from knishes.

Had to move on to harder stuff.

Real junk food, Horshack.

Mallomars.

Devil dogs.

Twinkies.

And even Indiana fried chicken!

Got so bad, one morning, I woke up

I had half a burrito hanging out of my mouth.

And I had no idea how it got there.

Well, I had to make a decision, Epstein.

I had to decide whether or not I was gonna let

junk food rule my life.

Well, what did you do?

I went cold Turkey.

Cold Turkey!

That's right, for five days, instead of junk food

I ate nothing but cold Turkey.

That's how I kicked.

[claps] Oh.

Truly inspiring story, Mr. Kotter.

It oughta be a movie.

"Man with the Golden Knish."

"A hat Full of Knishes."

"The Knish Connection."

Okay, now hold on.

"The Knish Connection 2."

Enough already!

Look, Juan, you can quit.

People quit every day at those clinics, you know?

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, Epstein, man, he don't got the kind of money

they be payin' in them smoking clinics.

Epstein's family is so poor

that on Thanksgiving, they have to rent a Turkey.

Look, we'll help you. I mean, we'll do it ourselves.

We use the same principle they use at those

smoking clinics, it's called aversion therapy.

Oh, yeah, the perversion therapy.

We just torture Juan until he quits smoking.

It's not torture, Barbarino, it's just therapy

to help Juan break his bad habit.

Look what you get, look in the mirror.

- I can't look at that. - Look in the mirror.

And get a look at you!

The toughest kid in school.

A slave to little stick of tobacco.

Beside that, look, you need a haircut.

Juan, tomorrow, we shall open up

the sweathog clinic for the cure of smoking!

Are you ready?

I'll be right back.

- Where are you going? - Going outside to have a smoke.

[theme music]

"Up Mr. Kotter's nose with Miss Fishfeck's support hose"?

Well, it's not a bad picture of me.

Do you think this will really get me

to quit smokin', Mr. Kotter?

Well, we're gonna try, Juan,

the guys are gonna be here as soon as

they finish their last period.

Come on, sit down.

Now all we're gonna do is try

and help you unlearn a bad habit.

Well, I'm good at that, I already unlearned

the whole tenth grade!

Epstein. What are you doing here?

I figured after three o'clock, you'd be running around

the neighborhood, flickin' your beak.

Mr. Woodman, Juan's gonna try and stop smoking.

Oh?

Well, it's not that easy.

I remember when I quit.

You smoked?

Yes, years ago, Kotter.

I smoked king size.

I thought they made me look taller.

You know why I never smoked?

I think it was those cigarette commercials

on television, they turned me off.

I mean, I could never picture myself

living in Marlboro country.

You know the commercial always got to me

was the one with the, uh, dancing cigarettes.

You know, all I could see was the girls' legs sticking out

of the big cigarette box.

Kotter, they drove me crazy.

For three years, I wanted to marry a six-foot tall

pack of mentholated old golds!

That's not bad, Mr. Woodman, I heard about a guy once

who had a crush on a camel.

A crush on a camel!

That's funny, Kotter.

Relax, Juan, all we're gonna do

is try and help you unlearn a bad habit.

Yeah, well, I'll do anything it takes to stop smoking.

Hey, what are you gonna do with that?

Don't worry about it, it's the wall-to-wall

carpeting from Mr. Woodman's office.

Let's get him on the carpet.

- On the carpet, okay. - Okay, Juan.

I tell you what we're gonna do. Me and Vinnie, we're gonna

start a little bit electricity, you know

like, create a shock, okay?

Light up, come on, your favorite blend, light 'em up.

Now every time you take a puff of this, we're gonna shock you.

So then you won't wanna smoke no more.

Right. Okay, start, let's go.

- You ready? Ready? - Ready.

- Okay. - Okay.

[both] Ah!

So when are you guys gonna shock me?

Something's wrong, get up, sit over there.

Come on, try it on me.

- Okay, you ready? Ready? - Yeah.

Okay.

Ow!

Okay, sport, sit down. Let's do it.

You gotta have both your feet on the carpet.

- Put your feet on the carpet. - Ready?

- Alright. - Let's go.

One, two, three, four, five, six

seven, eight, nine, ten.

Ow!

Alright, this isn't workin', we have to go with

drastic measures. Let's get the specialist!

Send in the specialist!

Alright, send in the specialist.

Hello, are you the specialist?

Are you the doctor, yeah?

I'm the doctor.

I'm the specialist.

Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

How about the patient?

What about the patient?

I wanna see the patient!

I'm telling you, with you, I'm losing my Patience!

Is this the patient?

This is the patient.

The spots on your hand, you ever had them before?

- Yeah. - Well, you got 'em again!

Doctor, do you have the patient's file to sign?

I got the patient's file.

File the patient's file.

The patient's file is filed.

- Now let's file the patient. - Hey.

File the patient.

Doctor, this reminds me of a case I heard about.

A delicatessen owner who was only interested

in his wife when she dressed like a smoked salmon.

Ah, was it hard on the wife?

Yes, especially when he tried to filet her.

- Where's the patient? - Was in here before.

- Hello. Hello. - Where is it, hello?

So, tell us about your sex life.

What?

Your sex life.

- Oh, Horshack. - Huh?

What does his sex life have to do with smoking?

Nothing.

I just thought it would be fun to hear about it.

Horshack, let's leave people's sex lives out of this.

At least until you get one of your own.

Okay, therapy, let's go, first of all...

... sight aversion!

[all] Sight aversion!

Look at this, Juan.

Hi, there.

[coughs]

I've been smokin' four packs for ten years and...

...I feel perfectly fine.

[coughs]

Sound aversion!

Sound aversion!

[both] Don't smoke!

[both] Don't smoke!

Alright, smell aversion!

- Smell aversion! - What?

What?

[Kotter] Smell that!

Cigarette butts grounded together. Terrible!

Smell this cigar, soggy, wet, terrible, disgusting...

- Smell that! - Ah, come on.

That's the worst of the lot!

I know we went into your gym locker

and got your sweat socks.

You think this is easy for us?

Now, Juan, we are not here to judge you.

There is no right and no wrong.

Now Juan, do you truly wish to give up

your disgusting, repulsive smoking habit?

Yes.

Do you think that you can live

without the flavor and the aroma

of your favorite blend?

Yes.

And you will not miss a long

satisfying puff?

- I don't know. - Oh.

So you still like to smoke, huh? Here, have one.

- Give him two. - Hey, have three.

Have four, alright.

[Kotter] What do you have to say now, Mr. Puff?

[coughs] I can't...

[Kotter] Doesn't taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff?

[Freddie] That's what I thought.

Hey, Freddie, you want a trade?

I got liverwurst and chocolate sauce

on date nut bread.

No.

I don't even wanna think about it.

- Did you hear that? - Yeah.

It's the dumbest sandwich I ever heard of.

Now this, this is lunch.

Peanut butter and squid...

...on pumpernickel.

Hold the pickle, hold the relish.

Yeah, but you can't hold it down.

Now this is lunch.

Pig knuckles on Jewish rye.

With virgin island dressing. Nice.

Oh.

What do you got, Mr. Kotter?

Oh, nothing, it's just something Julie made

I don't know what it is, I don't know.

[Barbarino] Hey, Juan.

Hey, how you doin'? Hey.

Hey, it's been seven days since I had my last cigarette.

[cheering]

[clapping]

- You miss cigarettes? - Nah.

I got this pipe.

What do you think?

Frankly, Juan, you look like Sherlock Sheephead.

Look, Juan, look, I'm a little disappointed in you.

Mr. Kotter, I read that smokin' a pipe is a lot less harmful

than smokin' cigarettes.

Oh, yeah, well, where'd you read that?

I think it was "Cosmopolitan."

Alright, look, Juan. You gotta make up your own mind.

I mean, you're old enough to smoke.

If you wanna smoke, that's your business.

You can make your own decisions.

What is that?

What?

That's a potato knish, I thought you kicked the habit.

[students] Oh...

Very disillusioning, Mr. Kotter.

Alright, so I'm hooked, I have to have a knish

once in a while, so what's the big deal?

Well, gentlemen, there is only one thing

we can do to help this poor, tortured creature now.

- Smell aversion! - Yeah, no. Wait.

- Smell aversion! - Come on smell that.

- Smell that. - Get away! Get away! Get away!

I'm your teacher.

Not your ordinary knish junkie.

Look, if you had to eat Julie's tuna casserole

twice a week, you'd sneak a few knishes

once in a while, too.

Alright, look, Epstein, I got a proposition.

I'll give up knishes if you give up smoking, what do you say?

- You got a deal. - Alright.

[cheering]

[theme music]

What is that?

This is a bicentennial knish.

♪♪

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle

who is a famous explorer, famous frontiersman?

You mean he was in all the history books and everything.

Oh, I mean, alongside Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett,

you'll find the name of Hawkeye Kotter.

Yes, you look in any of books he's in all of these books

and Hawkeye Kotter was famous.

In fact, I remember one time my Uncle Hawkeye

this was written in history books I-I didn't know about it

but I read about it in history books.

He is riding along on his horse, right?

And he sees a man on the prairie with his ear to the ground.

Well, what was he doing with his ear to the ground?

My uncle Hawkeye figured he must be listening to something.

So he gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

- Good move. - Doesn't hear a thing.

He says, uh

"Excuse me, partner, I don't hear a thing."

Guy looks at him, and he says "I know.

It's been like that all day."

Alright, you didn't like that one?

I'll tell you another one about Uncle Hawkeye.

Uncle Hawkeye is riding and he sees an Indian.

This time, the Indian's got his ear to the ground, right?

Same as the guy before, okay?

- So he says to the Indian-- - It's getting funnier.

Shh!

"Covered wagon,14.

"Soldiers, cavalry.

"Woman in covered wagon.

"Have baby.

Fourteen wagon, one blue."

Uncle says, "That's amazing!

You can hear them coming?"

Indian says, "No.

Ran over me half hour ago."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene... ♪♪